I Dream of Jeannie (1965) s02e10 Episode Script
The Girl Who Never Had a Birthday (1)
[.]
[WHISTLING.]
Jeannie.
Jeannie, come on out.
Jeannie.
Good morning, master.
Ah, good morning, Jeannie.
Oh, my, you look handsome this morning.
[CHUCKLING.]
Thank you.
I'd like to ask a favor of you.
Oh, thank you, master.
You haven't heard what it is.
Oh, it does not matter.
You never give me a chance to do anything for you.
Oh, well, this is not exactly for me.
It's for Roger.
Uh, he's got a birthday coming up next week, and I wanna give him a surprise party.
Oh, I love surprises.
[CHUCKLING.]
Yeah.
Yeah, I know.
I've invited a few of his friends over here, and I'll keep him at the base just as long as possible, yeah.
I don't want him to suspect anything.
Wh-what is it you want me to do, master? Well, I haven't had any time to plan for the party.
I I want something different, you know.
Oh, we used to have some wonderful parties in the old days.
[CHUCKLING.]
Yeah, I'll bet you did.
So I was wondering if you could come up with an idea for the party.
Oh, yes! [GASPS.]
I remember a party that Nero gave.
Yeah? Well, no, no.
I don't want anything quite that extravagant.
[GROWLS.]
[.]
[.]
[.]
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Hi, there, fella.
Oh! [TIGER GROWLS.]
[.]
Hey, you're a mean-looking thing, aren't ya? [GROWLS.]
You're having a circus? [CHUCKLING.]
Oh, Dr.
Bellows.
Would you mind telling me what that's doing here, major? Yes, I suppose it does seem strange.
No, no.
Doesn't everyone have a tiger in his living room? Well, you see, Roger's having a He has a birthday coming up, and I wanted to do something special for him.
Feed him to the tiger? [CHUCKLING.]
Oh, no.
No, no.
You see, uh [CHUCKLES.]
Well, I I just want to give him a surprise party, something like, uh Well, like Nero used to do, you know.
I not only don't know, I'm sorry I asked.
General Peterson wants to see you and Major Healey in the computer room at 11:00.
Yes, sir.
And, uh come alone.
Yes, sir.
[GROWLING.]
[STAMMERS.]
Jeannie.
Jeannie! Jeannie, where are ya? Come on.
Jean Oh! [LAUGHING.]
Would you mind, please? Oh.
Thanks.
Well, thank you.
Thank you very much.
I I think we'd better think of something a little simpler.
Oh, yes, master.
Oh, it must be wonderful to have someone give you a birthday party.
Well, you should know.
You must have had hundreds Thousands of 'em.
Oh, I have never had a birthday party, master.
You haven't had? Well, now, how can that be? I do not know when my birthday is.
Well, I think that's terrible.
Well, it is a strange feeling not to know when you were born.
It usually does not bother me, but when I see someone else is having a birthday, I I do wish I knew when mine was.
I'll tell you what.
Why don't you celebrate Roger's birthday with him.
We'll make that your birthday party.
Oh, no, thank you, master.
It would not be the same thing.
I would like to have a birthday of my very own.
Heh.
Yeah.
Oh, do not worry about it.
Forget I ever mentioned No, I'm not gonna forget about it.
I'm gonna find out when your birthday is.
How? Uh You go home and ask your mother.
[LAUGHING.]
Oh.
Well, it was so long ago, master.
She may have forgotten.
Believe me, mothers always remember birthdays.
Do you really think so? Yes.
Yes.
I'll, uh, tell you what you do.
You go and find out when your birthday is, you come back and tell me, and I'll give you the biggest and best birthday party anybody ever saw in Cocoa Beach.
Oh! You're wonderful, master.
[LAUGHING.]
Oh, I am so happy.
Now, I'm going to be just like everybody else.
[CHUCKLING.]
Yes.
Well, maybe.
Have a good trip.
Oh, thank you, master.
Oh, goodbye, master.
Goodbye.
[SHRIEKS.]
[.]
[ROGER SIGHS.]
Hi, Tony.
Oh, hi, Roge.
Where's, uh? Where's Jeannie? Jeannie? Oh, she went home to her mother.
Home to her mother? You two quarrel? [CHUCKLING.]
No, no.
She went home to find out when her birthday was.
You mean, she doesn't know? No.
No.
When she gets back and tells me, I'm gonna give her a birthday party she'll never forget.
You wanna help me? Okay, you pay for the candles, I'll pay for the party.
Heh, heh.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Come in.
Well, good morning, gentlemen.
Morning, sir.
Good morning, sir.
Well, if, uh, you gentlemen are ready, General Peterson's waiting.
Would you mind telling me what this is all about, sir? Not at all.
General Peterson wants you to meet ERIC.
ERIC? You mean, this whole room is ERIC? Electronic Rapid Input Computer.
This is the fastest computing machine in existence.
It can figure out the answer to any question you put to it.
I wonder if it can tell me about that redhead I have a date with Saturday night? BELLOWS: Don't press your luck.
That machine cost I just wanted you both to be aware it's available to help you solve any problems you may run into.
Here's the control panel.
Here's the manual.
Oh, thank you, sir.
I'm sure ERIC's gonna be a great help.
If you need this machine, just let me know.
I'll have Captain Reynolds program it for you.
Yes, sir.
Five million dollars.
How 'bout that, huh? [WHISTLES.]
Ahhh.
You little devil.
Ho, ho, ho.
I bet you could tell me about that redhead I have a date with, huh? You know, I've been thinking about this.
Now, if ERIC could give us the ratios on this input chart, we could save about a week's work.
Well, what'll they think of next? Master, I am back.
Oh, hi, Jeannie.
Hi, Jeannie.
Did you have a nice trip? Mm, nice trip, master.
Did you see your mother? Yes, master.
How is she? Oh, she's fine, thank you.
Did you find out the day you were born? My mother says I was born in February, master.
February? You're an Aquarius.
Uh, what? What day in February? It does not matter, master.
My father says I was born in December.
He remembers the icicles hanging from the roof.
My sister says it was in June because she remembers picking roses to bring to me.
Our next-door neighbor swears it was in October.
Oh, it was so long ago, nobody remembers what month it was.
You mean, there There's no clue at all? Well, all anyone is sure of is that the planet Neptune was in Scorpio when I was born.
[CHUCKLES.]
Neptune was in what? Those are astrological signs.
Uh, weren't there any records kept? Records? Yeah, well, usually when a child is born, there's some kind of a record kept.
Uh, wasn't there the equivalent of a Hall of Records? Of course.
I remember now.
The Emperor Caligula had everything removed to the courthouse of ancient Rome.
Oh, it will be there.
Oh, you are brilliant, master.
I will be right back.
You know, I'm generally not too fond of genies, - but, uh Whew! - She's an exception.
[CHUCKLES.]
[.]
Good evening, master.
Good evening, Jeannie.
Say, I was beginning to worry about you.
Did you find the records? No, master.
The Hall of Records burned down during the great fire of 64 when Rome burned.
Oh, while Nero fiddled.
How did you know that? Well, never mind.
Say, Jeannie, I'll tell you what.
Why don't we, um? Why don't we just pick a day and celebrate that as your birthday, hm? No, master.
I want my own birthday.
Yeah, well, I know, but when we can't find out what it is, you just have to pick the next best thing.
[CHUCKLES.]
No, master.
I do not want the next best thing.
I I want the best thing.
Yes, I know, but My own birthday.
Jeannie, look.
Well, I I just can't get it for you, that's all.
It's humanly impossible.
You are my master.
Yes.
If you cared for me, you would find my birthday.
Yeah, but how? Oh, you will think of something.
Good night, master.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
How do I get myself into these things? How do I get myself into these things? [KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Come in! Hi.
Oh, hi, Tony.
What brings you here? I need your help.
Oh, my help? What, is anything wrong? Yeah.
Jeannie couldn't find the records on her birthday.
Oh, that's That's too bad, Tony.
She expects me to find out when her birthday was.
It was 2000 years ago.
Well, you came to the right man for advice.
You mean, you know what to do? 'Course I do.
What? Lie to her.
Pick a day out of a hat.
She'll never know the difference.
I couldn't do that.
Well, why not? It wouldn't be right.
Well, if your conscience bothers you, uh, just tell her you picked a day out of a hat.
I already did.
I gave her your birthday.
What did she say? Well, she wants her own birthday.
Now, come on.
Help me, will you? Help you pick out a day that happened 2000 years ago? What do you think I am? ERIC? [SNAPS FINGERS.]
That's it.
What's it? I'm ERIC? No, ERIC's gonna help me solve the problem.
What are you talking about? I mean, ERIC only operates if you feed it information, and we don't have any.
Sure we do.
Sure we do.
We know that, uh, Neptune was in what, uh? What? What? Scorpio? Was in Scorpio the day she was born.
What kind of clue is that? Well, it's the only one we've got.
Neptune's been in Scorpio millions of times.
Well, once, maybe.
All right, but we know she was born about 2000 years ago.
That narrows it down.
Oh Yeah.
And if General Peterson catches us fooling around with that machine, he's gonna narrow us down.
It's the only way we're gonna find that date.
You with me? Okay, I'm with you.
Boy.
Well, I guess we sink together.
This is wax.
I know, they're all wax.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Good morning, Roge.
I'm afraid you're gonna have to sink without me.
What do you mean? Can I come in? Oh, sure, come on in.
[SIGHS.]
Boy, I couldn't sleep at all last night.
I hate to tell you, but I can't go through with this.
You can't go through with what? ERIC! We get caught fooling around with that thing, we're gonna get wiped out.
Believe me, Jeannie will forget about her birthday.
I'm not so sure about that.
I know women better than you.
What's life and death today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Yeah, well, I hope you're right.
[SIGHS.]
[YELPS.]
What are you doing? Oh, forgive me, master, but whenever I get unhappy, my powers weaken.
Yeah, well [STAMMERS.]
That vase cost a lot of I paid a lot of money for that.
Oh, do not worry, master.
I will get you another one.
What is that? It's a Christmas present for Dr.
Bellows.
Oh, forgive me, master.
Oh, boy.
Oh, if you could only find out when my birthday is Yeah, well, I'm afraid it happened a long time ago, Jeannie.
We've run into trouble.
What? What are you doing? Doing? I I don't want to be rude or anything, but, ahem, one of your feet is missing.
[YELPS.]
What's happening? TONY: What's happening? What's happening? Oh, whenever I am very unhappy, I begin to vanish.
You vanish? Vanish? Yes.
Jeannie, you stop that right now.
I cannot help it, master.
Goodbye.
Goodbye? Goodbye? Now, don't fade away.
This is your master talking.
I cannot help it, master.
If I am unhappy, I just fade.
Well, you get happy, and I mean it.
I mean, right now! You think this is the right way to handle this problem? Oh, uh Yeah.
Yeah, you're absolutely right.
Let's think of happy things, shall we? Oh, yes, yes, master.
I do not want to vanish.
Yeah.
Now, um, what about the picnic we had? Oh, yes, that That was a lovely day.
Remember in the museum when you found your slippers? [LAUGHING.]
Oh, yes! I enjoyed that.
[LAUGHING.]
Hey.
Hey! One of her feet's back.
Hey, how 'bout that? Oh! Now, what about the time when the, uh When I stuffed the Blue Djinn in the vacuum cleaner, and you got rid of him, remember? [LAUGHS.]
Yes.
Oh, that was funny.
I could never forget that, master.
[CHUCKLING.]
Yeah.
Hey, both her feet are back.
Oh! Thank you, master.
Ha, ha.
You just keep thinking happy thoughts, okay? I will.
I will.
Good girl.
Who needs a birthday anyway? Heh.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, no! Nice work, Roger.
Oh, I was only I can feel myself vanishing again.
Hold on, Jeannie.
I'm afraid I cannot stay if I do not know my birthday.
We're gonna find out your birthday.
I I thought you said there was no way.
Well Well, we have a way.
Yeah, it's It's known as a suicide mission.
Jeannie, just hold on.
Give us a little time.
I will try, master.
Just think about the time Don't say a word.
I was only Not a word.
Come on.
Can I ask you where we're going? To see ERIC.
Can I say one word? What's that? Help.
[QUIETLY.]
Wait Wait a minute.
Know what's gonna happen to us if we get caught? Don't think about it.
It's easy for you to say.
Roger, I want you to stay out here and warn me if anybody comes.
Yeah, I'll give you two sharp whistles.
[WHISTLES TWICE.]
Sharp, sharp.
[TWO WHISTLES.]
[WHISPERS.]
What is it? I was just practicing.
[WHISTLES QUIETLY.]
Sorry.
[WHISTLES QUIETLY.]
[.]
[CLICKS.]
[COMPUTER WHIRRING.]
[TYPING.]
Tony.
Tony.
[YELPS.]
What are you doing in here? What am I doing in here? Will you hurry up? You've been in here over an hour.
Well, I'm almost through.
Do you know what you're doing? Yeah, I know what I'm doing.
I just hope ERIC knows what he's doing.
I'm feeding him the information.
We ought to have the answer in a minute.
If you ask me, it looks stupid.
Huh? [SHOUTING.]
I said, if you ask me, it looks stupid.
Would you go out and guard the door? Two sharp whistles.
[WHISTLES TWICE.]
Right.
Two.
Sharp.
Okay.
[WHISTLES ONCE.]
[BLOWS SILENTLY.]
Major Healey.
[BLOWS AIR.]
Yes, sir.
Are you all right? Oh, yes, sir.
It's a friend of mine that I'm worried about.
Anyone I know? Well, not exactly, sir.
You see, I have a 15-year-old cousin, and she fell in love with the milkman.
'Course, the family made her stop drinking milk altogether.
That became a malnutrition problem.
Of course, we got Dr.
Bellows? Oh! Well, I think we've done it.
Do you? Yes, yes.
Oh! Hello, Dr.
Bellows.
What are you doing here, sir? The question is: What are you doing with this machine, Major Nelson? What machine, sir? That machine.
Oh, ERIC.
I I think of him as human.
[WHISTLES TWICE.]
Thanks a lot, Roger.
You haven't answered my question.
What question was that? What are you doing? Oh, yes.
I was feeding it some information.
I'm trying to find a certain date.
Yes, and if he doesn't find the date, a certain thing he's got could disappear.
Oh, I see.
You're computing a launch date.
Yes, you might say that.
Is the machine being helpful? I certainly hope so, sir.
Well, I think that General Peterson will be very pleased that you're using it.
Yes, sir, he's gonna get a real kick out of it.
[CHUCKLING.]
You had no trouble programming it? No, sir.
Good.
Well, uh, I'll leave you to your work.
Thank you, sir.
[TYPING RAPIDLY.]
Oh, no.
Uh, not now.
Wow! You're getting a readout.
Uh Yes.
May I see it? Sir? I said, may I see it? I don't think it'll be anything you'd be interested in, sir.
Oh, I'm fascinated by these machines.
May I? Yeah, all right.
There you are.
No, no, no.
The entire slip.
Oh, yes.
You were born in the year 64 B.
C.
BOTH [IN UNISON.]
: Sixty-four B.
C.
What kind of data is that? Oh.
Well, I I must have fed it some wrong information.
Oh.
It had a case of indigestion.
Yes.
Does it say anything else? Yes, it gives a birth date.
It does? May I have the date, sir? Major Nelson, if you think ERIC is a Chinese fortune cookie, you're very much mistaken.
In the future, if you want to use this machine, Captain Reynolds will program it for you.
Is that clear? I'll hold those for I said, is that clear? Yes, yeah Uh, uh Would you mind giving me the date, sir? As a matter of fact, I would.
Now, if you gentlemen are through with your games.
Gotta do this all over again.
Major Nelson! What is it? Major Nelson! Yes, sir.
Did you understand what I said? Yes, sir.
Sorry, sir.
I had it in my hand.
I had the date right in my hand.
Do you understand that? We could've knocked Dr.
Bellows down and taken it away from him.
Oh, good thinking.
[CHUCKLING.]
Yeah, that's great.
Master, I came to say goodbye.
Goodbye? You can't go, Jeannie.
Looks like she's half-gone already.
Oh, I'm sorry, master, but when I am unhappy, I just Oh, I have no control over this.
Remember when I found you in the bottle on the beach, and I opened it up and you were so happy? It is no use, master.
I am slipping away.
Remember the time I let you drive my car? Remember? Do not forget me, master, please.
Major Nelson is using ERIC to find out somebody's birthday? I was there, sir.
Why would he do that? I have no idea, general.
Maybe we should ask ERIC.
What? Oh, uh, nothing, sir.
Oh, um, this is the, um The date the machine gave him.
He seemed most anxious to have it.
Hm.
My mother was born on that day.
But, uh, not in 64 B.
C.
Sixty-four B.
C.
? Yes, sir.
The person they were looking up was born in that year.
Sounds to me like ERIC had a breakdown.
That's what they tried to claim.
No, general, there's something behind this.
For some reason, this date is most important to Major Nelson.
But he didn't say why? Uh, no, sir.
I told him to stay away from ERIC, unless Captain Reynolds was there to program his questions.
I want you to rescind that order.
But why, sir? Let Major Nelson use the machine any time he wants to, only he'll be watched.
That's an excellent idea, sir.
He's going to Alaska for two weeks.
I'll tell him when he returns that ERIC will be available to him.
The next time the machine gives him any information, I want it sent directly to me.
I don't want Major Nelson to see it.
Hm.
Amazing.
What's amazing? That it took a 5-million-dollar computer to catch Major Nelson.
Uh moonlight ride in the park.
A chocolate ice-cream soda.
Mm.
The The time you suspended me over the pit of crocodiles.
That was funny.
That was funny.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
You remember the time you blinked me to the South Pole? [ALL LAUGHING.]
You happy now? No, master.
[GROANS.]
I'm sorry I ever had a birthday.
Jeannie, have I ever lied to you? Yes, master.
Yeah.
Well, I'm gonna make you a promise.
If you'll just hold on, I'm gonna find your birthday, your real birthday.
I will try, master.
Good girl.
You just pop back to your bottle, and I'll see you tonight.
Yes, master.
What's the matter? I'm losing my power.
You mean, you can't get out of the office? No.
Well, you can't stay here.
You're not government issue.
Oh, what should I do? Huh? Oh, here.
Get Get into, uh Get in here.
In here.
Right in here.
Come on, come on.
I will try, master.
Come on.
Come on.
BELLOWS: Good afternoon, sergeant.
Are you feeling better? Good.
Jeannie.
Jeannie? Where are you? Jeannie? Here I am, master.
Are you all right, Jeannie? I think so.
Good.
You just stay right there.
Everything's gonna be fine.
Dr.
Bellows.
How are you? Heh.
Dr.
Bellows.
[CHUCKLES.]
Is your desk all right? Oh, yes, yes, fine.
[CHUCKLING.]
Yeah.
Well, you know, a desk is a desk.
BELLOWS: Yes.
Uh, I just came in to tell you that when you return from Alaska, you can have free access to ERIC again.
Oh, oh, that's wonderful, sir.
You'll be leaving in the morning, won't you? Yes, yes.
BELLOWS: They're painting my office, so, uh, while you're gone, if you don't mind, I'll be using this office.
Oh, good, good.
[.]
What are we going to do, master? Well, we have to find out when your birthday is before Dr.
Bellows moves in.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Hi, Tony.
Hi, Roge.
Brought you a glass of milk and a donut.
[CHUCKLING.]
A glass of milk and a donut? What? What for? What for? At a time like this, you gotta keep up your strength.
[TONY CHUCKLES.]
You're right.
Well, let's get going.
ROGER: Get going? Where are we going? To see ERIC.
Wait a minute.
Look, I hate to sound like a pessimist, but this whole thing seems like a trap.
Well, it can't be helped, Roger.
ERIC's our only chance.
And besides, look at the kid.
She's She's really fading away.
Good luck, master.
Thank you, Jeannie.
And Jeannie Yes? Whenever it is, happy birthday.
Oh Mm-ah.
[.]
[.]
[WHISTLING.]
Jeannie.
Jeannie, come on out.
Jeannie.
Good morning, master.
Ah, good morning, Jeannie.
Oh, my, you look handsome this morning.
[CHUCKLING.]
Thank you.
I'd like to ask a favor of you.
Oh, thank you, master.
You haven't heard what it is.
Oh, it does not matter.
You never give me a chance to do anything for you.
Oh, well, this is not exactly for me.
It's for Roger.
Uh, he's got a birthday coming up next week, and I wanna give him a surprise party.
Oh, I love surprises.
[CHUCKLING.]
Yeah.
Yeah, I know.
I've invited a few of his friends over here, and I'll keep him at the base just as long as possible, yeah.
I don't want him to suspect anything.
Wh-what is it you want me to do, master? Well, I haven't had any time to plan for the party.
I I want something different, you know.
Oh, we used to have some wonderful parties in the old days.
[CHUCKLING.]
Yeah, I'll bet you did.
So I was wondering if you could come up with an idea for the party.
Oh, yes! [GASPS.]
I remember a party that Nero gave.
Yeah? Well, no, no.
I don't want anything quite that extravagant.
[GROWLS.]
[.]
[.]
[.]
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Hi, there, fella.
Oh! [TIGER GROWLS.]
[.]
Hey, you're a mean-looking thing, aren't ya? [GROWLS.]
You're having a circus? [CHUCKLING.]
Oh, Dr.
Bellows.
Would you mind telling me what that's doing here, major? Yes, I suppose it does seem strange.
No, no.
Doesn't everyone have a tiger in his living room? Well, you see, Roger's having a He has a birthday coming up, and I wanted to do something special for him.
Feed him to the tiger? [CHUCKLING.]
Oh, no.
No, no.
You see, uh [CHUCKLES.]
Well, I I just want to give him a surprise party, something like, uh Well, like Nero used to do, you know.
I not only don't know, I'm sorry I asked.
General Peterson wants to see you and Major Healey in the computer room at 11:00.
Yes, sir.
And, uh come alone.
Yes, sir.
[GROWLING.]
[STAMMERS.]
Jeannie.
Jeannie! Jeannie, where are ya? Come on.
Jean Oh! [LAUGHING.]
Would you mind, please? Oh.
Thanks.
Well, thank you.
Thank you very much.
I I think we'd better think of something a little simpler.
Oh, yes, master.
Oh, it must be wonderful to have someone give you a birthday party.
Well, you should know.
You must have had hundreds Thousands of 'em.
Oh, I have never had a birthday party, master.
You haven't had? Well, now, how can that be? I do not know when my birthday is.
Well, I think that's terrible.
Well, it is a strange feeling not to know when you were born.
It usually does not bother me, but when I see someone else is having a birthday, I I do wish I knew when mine was.
I'll tell you what.
Why don't you celebrate Roger's birthday with him.
We'll make that your birthday party.
Oh, no, thank you, master.
It would not be the same thing.
I would like to have a birthday of my very own.
Heh.
Yeah.
Oh, do not worry about it.
Forget I ever mentioned No, I'm not gonna forget about it.
I'm gonna find out when your birthday is.
How? Uh You go home and ask your mother.
[LAUGHING.]
Oh.
Well, it was so long ago, master.
She may have forgotten.
Believe me, mothers always remember birthdays.
Do you really think so? Yes.
Yes.
I'll, uh, tell you what you do.
You go and find out when your birthday is, you come back and tell me, and I'll give you the biggest and best birthday party anybody ever saw in Cocoa Beach.
Oh! You're wonderful, master.
[LAUGHING.]
Oh, I am so happy.
Now, I'm going to be just like everybody else.
[CHUCKLING.]
Yes.
Well, maybe.
Have a good trip.
Oh, thank you, master.
Oh, goodbye, master.
Goodbye.
[SHRIEKS.]
[.]
[ROGER SIGHS.]
Hi, Tony.
Oh, hi, Roge.
Where's, uh? Where's Jeannie? Jeannie? Oh, she went home to her mother.
Home to her mother? You two quarrel? [CHUCKLING.]
No, no.
She went home to find out when her birthday was.
You mean, she doesn't know? No.
No.
When she gets back and tells me, I'm gonna give her a birthday party she'll never forget.
You wanna help me? Okay, you pay for the candles, I'll pay for the party.
Heh, heh.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Come in.
Well, good morning, gentlemen.
Morning, sir.
Good morning, sir.
Well, if, uh, you gentlemen are ready, General Peterson's waiting.
Would you mind telling me what this is all about, sir? Not at all.
General Peterson wants you to meet ERIC.
ERIC? You mean, this whole room is ERIC? Electronic Rapid Input Computer.
This is the fastest computing machine in existence.
It can figure out the answer to any question you put to it.
I wonder if it can tell me about that redhead I have a date with Saturday night? BELLOWS: Don't press your luck.
That machine cost I just wanted you both to be aware it's available to help you solve any problems you may run into.
Here's the control panel.
Here's the manual.
Oh, thank you, sir.
I'm sure ERIC's gonna be a great help.
If you need this machine, just let me know.
I'll have Captain Reynolds program it for you.
Yes, sir.
Five million dollars.
How 'bout that, huh? [WHISTLES.]
Ahhh.
You little devil.
Ho, ho, ho.
I bet you could tell me about that redhead I have a date with, huh? You know, I've been thinking about this.
Now, if ERIC could give us the ratios on this input chart, we could save about a week's work.
Well, what'll they think of next? Master, I am back.
Oh, hi, Jeannie.
Hi, Jeannie.
Did you have a nice trip? Mm, nice trip, master.
Did you see your mother? Yes, master.
How is she? Oh, she's fine, thank you.
Did you find out the day you were born? My mother says I was born in February, master.
February? You're an Aquarius.
Uh, what? What day in February? It does not matter, master.
My father says I was born in December.
He remembers the icicles hanging from the roof.
My sister says it was in June because she remembers picking roses to bring to me.
Our next-door neighbor swears it was in October.
Oh, it was so long ago, nobody remembers what month it was.
You mean, there There's no clue at all? Well, all anyone is sure of is that the planet Neptune was in Scorpio when I was born.
[CHUCKLES.]
Neptune was in what? Those are astrological signs.
Uh, weren't there any records kept? Records? Yeah, well, usually when a child is born, there's some kind of a record kept.
Uh, wasn't there the equivalent of a Hall of Records? Of course.
I remember now.
The Emperor Caligula had everything removed to the courthouse of ancient Rome.
Oh, it will be there.
Oh, you are brilliant, master.
I will be right back.
You know, I'm generally not too fond of genies, - but, uh Whew! - She's an exception.
[CHUCKLES.]
[.]
Good evening, master.
Good evening, Jeannie.
Say, I was beginning to worry about you.
Did you find the records? No, master.
The Hall of Records burned down during the great fire of 64 when Rome burned.
Oh, while Nero fiddled.
How did you know that? Well, never mind.
Say, Jeannie, I'll tell you what.
Why don't we, um? Why don't we just pick a day and celebrate that as your birthday, hm? No, master.
I want my own birthday.
Yeah, well, I know, but when we can't find out what it is, you just have to pick the next best thing.
[CHUCKLES.]
No, master.
I do not want the next best thing.
I I want the best thing.
Yes, I know, but My own birthday.
Jeannie, look.
Well, I I just can't get it for you, that's all.
It's humanly impossible.
You are my master.
Yes.
If you cared for me, you would find my birthday.
Yeah, but how? Oh, you will think of something.
Good night, master.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
How do I get myself into these things? How do I get myself into these things? [KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Come in! Hi.
Oh, hi, Tony.
What brings you here? I need your help.
Oh, my help? What, is anything wrong? Yeah.
Jeannie couldn't find the records on her birthday.
Oh, that's That's too bad, Tony.
She expects me to find out when her birthday was.
It was 2000 years ago.
Well, you came to the right man for advice.
You mean, you know what to do? 'Course I do.
What? Lie to her.
Pick a day out of a hat.
She'll never know the difference.
I couldn't do that.
Well, why not? It wouldn't be right.
Well, if your conscience bothers you, uh, just tell her you picked a day out of a hat.
I already did.
I gave her your birthday.
What did she say? Well, she wants her own birthday.
Now, come on.
Help me, will you? Help you pick out a day that happened 2000 years ago? What do you think I am? ERIC? [SNAPS FINGERS.]
That's it.
What's it? I'm ERIC? No, ERIC's gonna help me solve the problem.
What are you talking about? I mean, ERIC only operates if you feed it information, and we don't have any.
Sure we do.
Sure we do.
We know that, uh, Neptune was in what, uh? What? What? Scorpio? Was in Scorpio the day she was born.
What kind of clue is that? Well, it's the only one we've got.
Neptune's been in Scorpio millions of times.
Well, once, maybe.
All right, but we know she was born about 2000 years ago.
That narrows it down.
Oh Yeah.
And if General Peterson catches us fooling around with that machine, he's gonna narrow us down.
It's the only way we're gonna find that date.
You with me? Okay, I'm with you.
Boy.
Well, I guess we sink together.
This is wax.
I know, they're all wax.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Good morning, Roge.
I'm afraid you're gonna have to sink without me.
What do you mean? Can I come in? Oh, sure, come on in.
[SIGHS.]
Boy, I couldn't sleep at all last night.
I hate to tell you, but I can't go through with this.
You can't go through with what? ERIC! We get caught fooling around with that thing, we're gonna get wiped out.
Believe me, Jeannie will forget about her birthday.
I'm not so sure about that.
I know women better than you.
What's life and death today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Yeah, well, I hope you're right.
[SIGHS.]
[YELPS.]
What are you doing? Oh, forgive me, master, but whenever I get unhappy, my powers weaken.
Yeah, well [STAMMERS.]
That vase cost a lot of I paid a lot of money for that.
Oh, do not worry, master.
I will get you another one.
What is that? It's a Christmas present for Dr.
Bellows.
Oh, forgive me, master.
Oh, boy.
Oh, if you could only find out when my birthday is Yeah, well, I'm afraid it happened a long time ago, Jeannie.
We've run into trouble.
What? What are you doing? Doing? I I don't want to be rude or anything, but, ahem, one of your feet is missing.
[YELPS.]
What's happening? TONY: What's happening? What's happening? Oh, whenever I am very unhappy, I begin to vanish.
You vanish? Vanish? Yes.
Jeannie, you stop that right now.
I cannot help it, master.
Goodbye.
Goodbye? Goodbye? Now, don't fade away.
This is your master talking.
I cannot help it, master.
If I am unhappy, I just fade.
Well, you get happy, and I mean it.
I mean, right now! You think this is the right way to handle this problem? Oh, uh Yeah.
Yeah, you're absolutely right.
Let's think of happy things, shall we? Oh, yes, yes, master.
I do not want to vanish.
Yeah.
Now, um, what about the picnic we had? Oh, yes, that That was a lovely day.
Remember in the museum when you found your slippers? [LAUGHING.]
Oh, yes! I enjoyed that.
[LAUGHING.]
Hey.
Hey! One of her feet's back.
Hey, how 'bout that? Oh! Now, what about the time when the, uh When I stuffed the Blue Djinn in the vacuum cleaner, and you got rid of him, remember? [LAUGHS.]
Yes.
Oh, that was funny.
I could never forget that, master.
[CHUCKLING.]
Yeah.
Hey, both her feet are back.
Oh! Thank you, master.
Ha, ha.
You just keep thinking happy thoughts, okay? I will.
I will.
Good girl.
Who needs a birthday anyway? Heh.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, no! Nice work, Roger.
Oh, I was only I can feel myself vanishing again.
Hold on, Jeannie.
I'm afraid I cannot stay if I do not know my birthday.
We're gonna find out your birthday.
I I thought you said there was no way.
Well Well, we have a way.
Yeah, it's It's known as a suicide mission.
Jeannie, just hold on.
Give us a little time.
I will try, master.
Just think about the time Don't say a word.
I was only Not a word.
Come on.
Can I ask you where we're going? To see ERIC.
Can I say one word? What's that? Help.
[QUIETLY.]
Wait Wait a minute.
Know what's gonna happen to us if we get caught? Don't think about it.
It's easy for you to say.
Roger, I want you to stay out here and warn me if anybody comes.
Yeah, I'll give you two sharp whistles.
[WHISTLES TWICE.]
Sharp, sharp.
[TWO WHISTLES.]
[WHISPERS.]
What is it? I was just practicing.
[WHISTLES QUIETLY.]
Sorry.
[WHISTLES QUIETLY.]
[.]
[CLICKS.]
[COMPUTER WHIRRING.]
[TYPING.]
Tony.
Tony.
[YELPS.]
What are you doing in here? What am I doing in here? Will you hurry up? You've been in here over an hour.
Well, I'm almost through.
Do you know what you're doing? Yeah, I know what I'm doing.
I just hope ERIC knows what he's doing.
I'm feeding him the information.
We ought to have the answer in a minute.
If you ask me, it looks stupid.
Huh? [SHOUTING.]
I said, if you ask me, it looks stupid.
Would you go out and guard the door? Two sharp whistles.
[WHISTLES TWICE.]
Right.
Two.
Sharp.
Okay.
[WHISTLES ONCE.]
[BLOWS SILENTLY.]
Major Healey.
[BLOWS AIR.]
Yes, sir.
Are you all right? Oh, yes, sir.
It's a friend of mine that I'm worried about.
Anyone I know? Well, not exactly, sir.
You see, I have a 15-year-old cousin, and she fell in love with the milkman.
'Course, the family made her stop drinking milk altogether.
That became a malnutrition problem.
Of course, we got Dr.
Bellows? Oh! Well, I think we've done it.
Do you? Yes, yes.
Oh! Hello, Dr.
Bellows.
What are you doing here, sir? The question is: What are you doing with this machine, Major Nelson? What machine, sir? That machine.
Oh, ERIC.
I I think of him as human.
[WHISTLES TWICE.]
Thanks a lot, Roger.
You haven't answered my question.
What question was that? What are you doing? Oh, yes.
I was feeding it some information.
I'm trying to find a certain date.
Yes, and if he doesn't find the date, a certain thing he's got could disappear.
Oh, I see.
You're computing a launch date.
Yes, you might say that.
Is the machine being helpful? I certainly hope so, sir.
Well, I think that General Peterson will be very pleased that you're using it.
Yes, sir, he's gonna get a real kick out of it.
[CHUCKLING.]
You had no trouble programming it? No, sir.
Good.
Well, uh, I'll leave you to your work.
Thank you, sir.
[TYPING RAPIDLY.]
Oh, no.
Uh, not now.
Wow! You're getting a readout.
Uh Yes.
May I see it? Sir? I said, may I see it? I don't think it'll be anything you'd be interested in, sir.
Oh, I'm fascinated by these machines.
May I? Yeah, all right.
There you are.
No, no, no.
The entire slip.
Oh, yes.
You were born in the year 64 B.
C.
BOTH [IN UNISON.]
: Sixty-four B.
C.
What kind of data is that? Oh.
Well, I I must have fed it some wrong information.
Oh.
It had a case of indigestion.
Yes.
Does it say anything else? Yes, it gives a birth date.
It does? May I have the date, sir? Major Nelson, if you think ERIC is a Chinese fortune cookie, you're very much mistaken.
In the future, if you want to use this machine, Captain Reynolds will program it for you.
Is that clear? I'll hold those for I said, is that clear? Yes, yeah Uh, uh Would you mind giving me the date, sir? As a matter of fact, I would.
Now, if you gentlemen are through with your games.
Gotta do this all over again.
Major Nelson! What is it? Major Nelson! Yes, sir.
Did you understand what I said? Yes, sir.
Sorry, sir.
I had it in my hand.
I had the date right in my hand.
Do you understand that? We could've knocked Dr.
Bellows down and taken it away from him.
Oh, good thinking.
[CHUCKLING.]
Yeah, that's great.
Master, I came to say goodbye.
Goodbye? You can't go, Jeannie.
Looks like she's half-gone already.
Oh, I'm sorry, master, but when I am unhappy, I just Oh, I have no control over this.
Remember when I found you in the bottle on the beach, and I opened it up and you were so happy? It is no use, master.
I am slipping away.
Remember the time I let you drive my car? Remember? Do not forget me, master, please.
Major Nelson is using ERIC to find out somebody's birthday? I was there, sir.
Why would he do that? I have no idea, general.
Maybe we should ask ERIC.
What? Oh, uh, nothing, sir.
Oh, um, this is the, um The date the machine gave him.
He seemed most anxious to have it.
Hm.
My mother was born on that day.
But, uh, not in 64 B.
C.
Sixty-four B.
C.
? Yes, sir.
The person they were looking up was born in that year.
Sounds to me like ERIC had a breakdown.
That's what they tried to claim.
No, general, there's something behind this.
For some reason, this date is most important to Major Nelson.
But he didn't say why? Uh, no, sir.
I told him to stay away from ERIC, unless Captain Reynolds was there to program his questions.
I want you to rescind that order.
But why, sir? Let Major Nelson use the machine any time he wants to, only he'll be watched.
That's an excellent idea, sir.
He's going to Alaska for two weeks.
I'll tell him when he returns that ERIC will be available to him.
The next time the machine gives him any information, I want it sent directly to me.
I don't want Major Nelson to see it.
Hm.
Amazing.
What's amazing? That it took a 5-million-dollar computer to catch Major Nelson.
Uh moonlight ride in the park.
A chocolate ice-cream soda.
Mm.
The The time you suspended me over the pit of crocodiles.
That was funny.
That was funny.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
You remember the time you blinked me to the South Pole? [ALL LAUGHING.]
You happy now? No, master.
[GROANS.]
I'm sorry I ever had a birthday.
Jeannie, have I ever lied to you? Yes, master.
Yeah.
Well, I'm gonna make you a promise.
If you'll just hold on, I'm gonna find your birthday, your real birthday.
I will try, master.
Good girl.
You just pop back to your bottle, and I'll see you tonight.
Yes, master.
What's the matter? I'm losing my power.
You mean, you can't get out of the office? No.
Well, you can't stay here.
You're not government issue.
Oh, what should I do? Huh? Oh, here.
Get Get into, uh Get in here.
In here.
Right in here.
Come on, come on.
I will try, master.
Come on.
Come on.
BELLOWS: Good afternoon, sergeant.
Are you feeling better? Good.
Jeannie.
Jeannie? Where are you? Jeannie? Here I am, master.
Are you all right, Jeannie? I think so.
Good.
You just stay right there.
Everything's gonna be fine.
Dr.
Bellows.
How are you? Heh.
Dr.
Bellows.
[CHUCKLES.]
Is your desk all right? Oh, yes, yes, fine.
[CHUCKLING.]
Yeah.
Well, you know, a desk is a desk.
BELLOWS: Yes.
Uh, I just came in to tell you that when you return from Alaska, you can have free access to ERIC again.
Oh, oh, that's wonderful, sir.
You'll be leaving in the morning, won't you? Yes, yes.
BELLOWS: They're painting my office, so, uh, while you're gone, if you don't mind, I'll be using this office.
Oh, good, good.
[.]
What are we going to do, master? Well, we have to find out when your birthday is before Dr.
Bellows moves in.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Hi, Tony.
Hi, Roge.
Brought you a glass of milk and a donut.
[CHUCKLING.]
A glass of milk and a donut? What? What for? What for? At a time like this, you gotta keep up your strength.
[TONY CHUCKLES.]
You're right.
Well, let's get going.
ROGER: Get going? Where are we going? To see ERIC.
Wait a minute.
Look, I hate to sound like a pessimist, but this whole thing seems like a trap.
Well, it can't be helped, Roger.
ERIC's our only chance.
And besides, look at the kid.
She's She's really fading away.
Good luck, master.
Thank you, Jeannie.
And Jeannie Yes? Whenever it is, happy birthday.
Oh Mm-ah.
[.]
[.]