I Dream of Jeannie (1965) s02e11 Episode Script
The Girl Who Never Had a Birthday (2)
[.]
It must be nice to have someone give you a birthday party.
Well, you should know.
You must have had hundreds Thousands of 'em.
Oh, I have never had a birthday party, master.
You? You've never had? Well, how can that be, Jeannie? I do not know when my birthday is.
I'm afraid there's no way to find out.
You You see, it all happened so long ago, that it's almost impossible Jeannie! What are you doing? Doing? I hate to seem rude, but, uh one of your feet is missing.
[GASPS.]
It is happening.
TONY & ROGER: What's happening? Whenever I get very unhappy, I begin to vanish.
What are you going to do, master? Jeannie, you can't stay there.
Now, pull yourself together and go on home.
I have tried, master.
It is no use.
Oh, I have become so unhappy because I do not know when my birthday is, that I have lost my power.
Yeah, but [DOOR OPENS.]
Sorry.
Is, uh, part of Jeannie still missing? Yeah, I'm afraid so.
ROGER: You know what they say, half a genie is better than none at all.
That's what they say.
Yeah, Roger, we've gotta find out when her birthday is.
Well, back to ERIC.
Who is this ERIC? ERIC is a computing machine, uh, Jeannie.
It's the greatest mechanical brain in the world.
A-and this machine knows when my birthday is? Well, it will when we're through feeding it some information.
Oh! Dr.
Bellows.
Oh, Dr.
Bellows.
Major Healey.
Yes, sir.
What do you have there, sir? My files.
I'm ready to move in.
[.]
[.]
[.]
Did you say you're ready to move in now, sir? Well, yes.
I'm gonna use your office while they're painting mine.
Oh, uh, do you really think you'd better? Well, you'll be in Alaska.
Is there any reason why I shouldn't use your office? Oh, no, no, of course not.
No, no.
Of course not.
You can use my office.
It has a nice southern exposure.
Yes.
The southern exposure here is just fine, thank you.
Let me clean out my desk for you.
I've got a few Don't bother.
I'll just, uh, move your things to one side.
Well Excuse me.
Oh, uh, do you have a pencil? Oh, yes.
[TONY & ROGER BABBLING.]
It's no bother, sir.
[STAMMERING.]
Oh.
Here we are.
That'll be all, gentlemen.
Oh, yes, of course, sir.
I'll just, uh, pick up some of my personal things.
Roge.
Gentlemen? [CHUCKLING.]
Sorry, sir.
Of course, sir.
Feel free to use any Anything in the office.
Feel free, sir.
Very free.
Why don't we go in my office and plan some strategy, okay? Look, you can't let Dr.
Bellows stay in your office.
He'll find Jeannie.
I know that.
I gotta get him out of there.
You know what you need? What? A genie.
Yeah Why don't we go over to the computer and find out Jeannie's birthday, huh? I'm afraid you'll have to do it alone, Roge.
I gotta think of a way to keep Dr.
Bellows busy.
Well, how? I don't know how.
I'll think of something.
While you're thinking, why don't I have ERIC figure out Jeannie's birthday? She'll get happy, her powers will come back and all of our troubles will be over.
You know how to work ERIC? There's only one thing: We don't have enough information to feed it.
Well, it gave us the date before.
Yeah, but we don't know if the dates are correct.
What we need is more facts.
Facts? Her own mother doesn't even remember her birthday.
How are we gonna come up with any information? Ah, that's it.
That's it.
Astrology.
Astrology? Astrology.
Astro I don't believe in astrology.
I don't even believe in genies.
But Jeannie believes in astrology.
Now, do you want to help her or don't you? Of course.
I'd do anything in the world for her.
This is your only chance.
All right, all right, how could it help? All right.
Different people were born in different months with different characteristics, right? We have to find out Jeannie's characteristics, feed them to the machine, and we come up with her birthday.
[LAUGHING.]
That's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard of.
I mean, even if I went along with you on this, where would we find a book on astrology at NASA? Now, don't laugh.
Astrology For You.
Tony, it'll work.
Now, we know Jeannie was born in 64 B.
C.
Now, all we have to do is feed her characteristics to the machine.
And the fact that Neptune was in Scorpio when she was born, we'll come up with the whole thing.
All right, we'll do it.
And you know why? Why? Because I'm desperate.
I'm telling you, it'll work.
It's a cinch.
Now, all we have to do is program her personality.
How would you describe her? What do you mean? Nice, funny, happy? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Uh, stubborn.
She's stubborn.
She's stubborn.
She's imprac I better write this down.
Yes, stubborn's good.
That's a good start.
Stubborn.
Stubborn.
Um impractical.
Impractical.
Now, she's impulsive.
Impulsive.
Warm-hearted.
Warm-hearted.
Yeah.
Generous.
Very generous.
Generous, yes.
Very generous.
Sentimental.
Loyal.
Loyal's good.
Um, she's, uh friendly.
Friendly.
And beautiful.
Scratch beautiful.
Why? I think she's beautiful.
Don't you? To you, she may be beautiful, but not to ERIC.
Huh? To him, beautiful is another machine that looks just like him.
Well, that oughta do it.
I'll get back to Dr.
Bellows.
Yeah, you sure you can handle this, huh? Yeah.
Can you? Good luck.
Oh, hello, sir.
Is everything all right? Well, shouldn't it be? Yeah, oh, yes, of course.
Uh, do you find the office comfortable? Oh, it's just fine, major.
Uh, was that all? No, sir.
I'd like to speak to you, please.
Well, could it wait until a little later? I I'm in the middle of a report that General Peterson's It's urgent, sir.
I feel it's really quite urgent.
Oh? Sit down.
If you don't mind, I'd rather lie down.
What's your problem? Well, it all started when I was a small boy.
"Impractical and irresponsible.
" It sounds like a girlfriend of mine.
Let's see And then when I was 3 years old, I wanted a dog.
Oh, not just any kind of a dog.
No, not for me.
I I wanted a mongrel.
Uh, major Is that significant, doctor? If you could just tell me what your problem is.
I'm getting there.
My father wouldn't buy me a dog.
So I stole one.
BELLOWS: Major, General Peterson is waiting for this report.
If your dog can wait.
Oh, the dog can wait, I can't.
You see, when I walk down the street now and I see a dog, I have this terrible compulsion to kidnap it.
Kidnap it? [LAUGHS.]
Oh, it's not just dogs.
It's chickens and sheep and goats and horses Just a moment.
Let me get my pad.
Now, uh, you were saying that you had this urge to kidnap horses? "Mischievous and optimistic.
" Ah, there, that should do it.
Now, ERIC, you've got to come through for us, ERIC.
I've never asked you to do any favors before.
Okay? And so, in less than a year, I collected 33 dogs, And a milk cow.
That's the most amazing thing I've ever heard.
Um, where do you keep all these animals, major? Oh, in In barns mostly.
Why, that's amazing.
Is it? Oh, yeah.
We're really onto something.
Where you going, doctor? Well, I'm going to start writing this up.
I haven't told you about the fish.
Fish? Yes.
Fine machine you are.
You can't even figure out a date that happened 2000 years ago.
Jeannie was born Oh, oh, we did it.
We did it! Oh, I'm so happy, I'll kiss you.
I sure hope you're a girl machine.
Well, that's what happened to me.
That's not so unusual, major.
And then it started talking to me.
You mean, it, uh, moved its mouth? I mean it talked.
What did it say? Well, it had this high, squeaky, little voice, and it said It said [DOOR OPENS.]
ROGER: Tony! Major Healey.
Oh, Dr.
Bellows.
I'm busy, Major Healey.
Oh, sorry, just came in to wish someone a happy birthday.
Oh, you found somebody's birthday? Certainly did.
TONY: Wonderful.
I'm just as sentimental as the next man, Major Healey, but I'm in the middle of a psychoanalysis.
Would you mind closing the door behind you as you leave? Oh, I'm finished telling you about my dream, sir.
Your dream? Yes, oh, didn't I tell you? That was a dream I had last night.
You mean, you don't have a compulsion to steal animals? Well, no, sir.
I mean, I love animals, but I certainly wouldn't go around stealing them.
Not Tony.
A dream? Well, excuse me, stay right here.
Yes.
I'll be right back.
I did it! I did it! I'm proud of you.
Oh, ERIC and I are probably the smartest brains in the world.
Oh! Hey, Jeannie, Jeannie, did you hear that? We found your birthday.
Oh, yes, master.
I am so happy.
[LAUGHING.]
Oh! Oh, master, look, look! Oh, my feet are back, my feet are back.
Oh, I am so happy.
Oh, thank you, Major Healey, thank you.
Well, it's really nothing, Jeannie.
It's just, uh Are you sure there's no mistakes? Mistake? ERIC and I never make mistakes.
Give us the date.
This will kill you.
It was so obvious.
We should've thought about it in the first place.
When is my birthday, Major Healey? All right, I'll give you a clue.
Uh, the month is in the title of a popular song.
Ugh! Roge, there's a lot of months in the title of songs.
Yeah.
Okay, I'll give you another clue.
Uh, it's my favorite month of the year.
TONY: That's all very well, but I don't know your favorite month of the year.
Now, come on, stop horsing around and give us the date.
Well, look, I spent a lot of time looking for this.
I mean, I got a right to tell it to you slowly.
Ooh, Major Healey! All right, I'll give you another clue.
My grandfather was born on the same day.
Roger, if you don't give us the date, your grandfather is gonna have a grandson that was murdered on this date.
I am dying to know.
Okay, boy, you're gonna love your birthday.
I wish I was born on this date.
What is it? Uh, Jeannie's birthday is When is it? What? What? Oh, uh, General Peterson.
Tony, you were scheduled to go on a survival mission to Alaska.
Yes, sir, I'll be ready in a few minutes.
I'm changing your orders.
What for, sir? Dr.
Bellows tells me you're in the middle of some therapy.
Therapy? Oh, no, sir.
I was just telling him about a dream I had last night.
It's not just an ordinary dream, major.
That dream is gonna prove to be the key to your whole problem.
You'll be going in Tony's place.
Me? A survival mission to Alaska? PETERSON: That's right.
There's a B-57 waiting for you on the field.
You mean, we're leaving right away? Right now! Well, he can't leave right now, sir.
May I have a word with him alone? There isn't time.
You're going to have a word with me, major.
Why don't we just lie down right where we can talk.
And we're going to start at the beginning.
Uh, remember the friend we were talking about, the information you had for him? Yeah, well, just tell your friend Let's go, major.
We're on a tight schedule.
Sir I He can't leave now.
He better leave now! As you were saying, you have no problem.
Oh, boy, do I have a problem.
[.]
Jeannie! Jeannie, would you come out please? I'd like to talk to you.
Ooh! Look, I I know you're upset, but I want you to know it's not my fault.
You tricked me.
I do not believe Major Healey knows when my birthday is.
Now, tell the truth.
Now, listen, that'll be enough of that, young lady.
I'll tell you, I'm not gonna stand for any of this I should never have listened to you.
You lied to me.
Admit it.
Now, knock that off.
It isn't my fault Roger likes to play games.
[BLEATING.]
Both you and Major Healey deceived me.
I I am going to leave here and find a new master.
Someone who will care about me.
Jeannie, please, would you stop just a minute and listen to me? I wasn't lying to you.
We did find out when your birthday is.
Ah, then when is it? Major Healey knows.
Now, now, please, he'll be back in two weeks.
I cannot wait two weeks! Oh, I would like to turn Major Healey into a A mosquito and put him into a pond full of frogs.
You know, that's one of the best ideas you ever had.
[CHUCKLING.]
Oh.
Don't be unhappy, Jeannie.
Just be patient, hm? Oh, it is not easy, master.
I know.
Well, now, please don't do that again.
Please don't do that again.
I got something in my eye.
Huh, oh, let me see.
Now, look up.
All right, look down.
I am sorry if I was difficult, master.
Oh, that's all right.
I understand.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Here.
Hello, Tony Nelson here.
ROGER: Hello, Tony? Oh, hi, Roge.
You see, our problems are solved.
Oh! I only got a minute.
We're going out on a mission.
Yeah, but Jeannie's pretty anxious about this, Roge.
Yeah, I can imagine.
It was funny what happened, wasn't it? Ha, ha.
Roger, unless you're eager to become a mosquito in a pond of frogs, you better give me the date.
Is it a good month, master? I don't know.
He hasn't told me yet.
Listen, Jeannie's gonna love her birthday.
Remember the clue? I said the month was in a song title? Ooh, when is my birthday, master? When is my birthday? He hasn't told me yet.
He's giving me clues.
Oh, hold on a minute, will ya? Roger! Roger! Oh.
You still there? Yeah, and it's my favorite month of the year.
Never mind all that.
Just tell me the date.
Well, here it is: Jeannie's birthday is Major, major, everything is ready, let's go.
Yeah, look, I gotta go now.
All right, I'll see you in a couple of weeks.
Roger List Roger.
He's done it again.
I don't believe it.
He's done it again.
Ooh! Now, what are you gonna do? I am going to blink Major Healey here.
Yeah, well, you can't do that.
Watch me, master.
No, I know you can, Jeannie, but you mustn't.
Now, he's on a very important mission.
You mustn't pull him off of it.
I want to know when I was born.
Well, he'll be back in two more weeks.
Two whole weeks.
Look, you haven't known what your birthday is for 2000 years, a few days is not gonna make that much difference.
Huh? Please.
Very well, master.
[LAUGHING.]
Good girl.
I tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna give you a birthday party.
But you do not know when my birthday is.
Well, it doesn't matter.
You can consider this one kind of a A pre-birthday party, hm? Oh, that is a lovely idea.
When shall we have it? Well, um, tonight.
Oh, it will be the first birthday party I have ever had.
Whom shall we invite? Yeah, that kind of presents a problem, doesn't it? Oh, what problem, master? Well, for one thing, my friends don't know about you, so I can't ask them.
And you don't have any friends, so It'll just be the two of us.
Jeannie, we'll have a birthday cake, and we'll have presents and I guarantee you, it'll feel like a party.
Whatever you say, master.
Good, good.
Well, I gotta get going.
I'll be back about 6:00.
Oh, where are you going? To think up some more dreams for Dr.
Bellows.
Jeannie! Oh, Jeannie! Jeannie? Good evening, master.
Oh.
Do you like my pre-birthday dress? Oh, it's beautiful.
Oh, thank you.
Leonardo da Vinci designed it.
[LAUGHING.]
Yeah.
Who else? Oh, here.
Oh, master.
I am going to cry.
We got champagne, and we have caviar and we're gonna have the most beautiful party anybody ever had.
Oh, I am so excited.
Oh, and it was such a surprise.
How did you know that I wanted a birthday party? Psychic, I guess.
Oh, you are the most wonderful master a genie ever had.
Well, I haven't had too much experience with this, Jeannie, but you're the most wonderful genie a master ever had.
Oh.
Here.
[GASPS.]
Oh.
Oh, oh, it is lovely.
Oh, master, thank you.
A little genie bottle.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
I wish we could have a lot of people at the party.
Would you? [LAUGHING.]
Whee! Oh, uh, uh, Jeannie, who are all these people? Oh, these are just a few of my friends.
Oh, this is Major Nelson.
Thank you.
Benjamin Franklin.
How do you do, sir? Cleopatra.
How do you do? Have you seen Mark Anthony? Well, not lately.
Excuse us, please.
This is Major Nelson, Marie Antoinette.
How do you do? William Shakespeare.
How do you do, sir? You remind me of my old friend, Yorick.
Alas, poor Yorick.
I knew him well.
Romeo and Juliet.
I I beg your pardon, sir.
That's Hamlet.
It was? Oh, well, Hamlet, Romeo when you've written one, you've written them all.
Yes.
[LAUGHING.]
[SCREAMING.]
Henry, behave yourself.
Oh, that is perfectly normal behavior.
This is Major Nelson.
Uh, Sigmund Freud.
Oh, how do you do, sir? And King Henry VIII.
How do you do, sir? How do you do, lad? Uh I hope you do not mind, master.
Mind? Of course not.
This is wonderful.
Oh, then I do not have to send them away? Oh, no, no, of course Oh, there is somebody I would like to see here.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Um, Jeannie? Jeannie, don't leave me here with all these people.
Major Nelson? Oh, Dr.
Bellows.
How are you, sir? I wasn't expecting you.
Aren't you, uh? Benjamin Franklin.
Oh, yes.
Well Marie Antoinette.
And isn't this William Shakespeare? Well, he's not really the real William Oh, and aren't you King Henry VIII? Well, I Oh, Cleopatra.
You caught me.
Caught you? Yes, sir.
You're looking at some of the greatest figures in history.
Oh, yes.
Sir, I knew this day was gonna come.
I might as well tell you everything.
Yes, and after you've told me, you think that I'm gonna rush back and tell General Peterson that you're entertaining Cleopatra, Shakespeare, and King Henry VIII? Yes, well No, major.
I don't know why you have these guilt feelings about not inviting me to your costume party, but we'll settle that at our next little session, won't we? Cos? Costume party? You know, uh, some of the costumes are, uh, quite effective.
Although I think you're overdoing the padding a bit, don't you? Oh, uh, Mr.
Shakespeare? I've enjoyed your work.
Thank you.
And, uh, who are you supposed to be? I am Dr.
Sigmund Freud.
Oh, I am a psychiatrist too.
Hm, well, uh, enjoy your party, major.
Yes.
I'll see you in the morning.
[GRUNTS.]
Jeannie.
Je Is everything all right, master? Nothing is all right.
Do you know how close I came to getting thrown out of the space program? Oh, I am sorry, master.
You're sorry.
Listen, get rid of these people.
But you just said that Yeah, I know, but get rid of them.
Oh.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
All except Dr.
Freud.
Um, oh, doctor? May I see you for just a moment, sir? Uh, you see, I have a little problem, and seeing you're here, I might as well use your talents.
I, uh I'm an astronaut.
And one day, I landed on this This Well, this deserted island, and I picked up a genie out of a bottle and ever since, I I haven't had a night's sleep [.]
Good morning, master.
Good morning, Jeannie.
Did you sleep well, master? Well, to tell you the truth, I was a little excited to sleep.
It's not every day a guy gets to chat with Cleopatra and Henry VIII and Sigmund Freud, huh? It was a lovely party, was it not, master? Well, that it was.
I can hardly wait for Major Healey to return, so that I can find out when my real birthday is.
Hm.
Oh! It is so exciting to think that from now on, I am going to have a birthday just like everyone else.
Yeah, that's right.
Each year I am going to be a year older.
That's right.
A year older.
Oh, oh.
[YELPS.]
Master, look.
Hm? Look, look, right there, right there.
There is a wrinkle.
Right No, no, there.
Oh, that's not a wrinkle.
That's not a wrinkle, Jeannie.
It certainly is a wrinkle.
That was not there yesterday.
I am getting old and wrinkled.
Oh, do you realize that every year I am going to be a year older? Oh, if I had known that having a birthday was going to be like this, I would have never of allowed you to find out when my real birthday is.
Oh, this will make me so nervous, master.
This is terrible.
Why did you allow me to do this? You are my master.
You were supposed to take care of me.
After all, I'm only a genie [.]
It must be nice to have someone give you a birthday party.
Well, you should know.
You must have had hundreds Thousands of 'em.
Oh, I have never had a birthday party, master.
You? You've never had? Well, how can that be, Jeannie? I do not know when my birthday is.
I'm afraid there's no way to find out.
You You see, it all happened so long ago, that it's almost impossible Jeannie! What are you doing? Doing? I hate to seem rude, but, uh one of your feet is missing.
[GASPS.]
It is happening.
TONY & ROGER: What's happening? Whenever I get very unhappy, I begin to vanish.
What are you going to do, master? Jeannie, you can't stay there.
Now, pull yourself together and go on home.
I have tried, master.
It is no use.
Oh, I have become so unhappy because I do not know when my birthday is, that I have lost my power.
Yeah, but [DOOR OPENS.]
Sorry.
Is, uh, part of Jeannie still missing? Yeah, I'm afraid so.
ROGER: You know what they say, half a genie is better than none at all.
That's what they say.
Yeah, Roger, we've gotta find out when her birthday is.
Well, back to ERIC.
Who is this ERIC? ERIC is a computing machine, uh, Jeannie.
It's the greatest mechanical brain in the world.
A-and this machine knows when my birthday is? Well, it will when we're through feeding it some information.
Oh! Dr.
Bellows.
Oh, Dr.
Bellows.
Major Healey.
Yes, sir.
What do you have there, sir? My files.
I'm ready to move in.
[.]
[.]
[.]
Did you say you're ready to move in now, sir? Well, yes.
I'm gonna use your office while they're painting mine.
Oh, uh, do you really think you'd better? Well, you'll be in Alaska.
Is there any reason why I shouldn't use your office? Oh, no, no, of course not.
No, no.
Of course not.
You can use my office.
It has a nice southern exposure.
Yes.
The southern exposure here is just fine, thank you.
Let me clean out my desk for you.
I've got a few Don't bother.
I'll just, uh, move your things to one side.
Well Excuse me.
Oh, uh, do you have a pencil? Oh, yes.
[TONY & ROGER BABBLING.]
It's no bother, sir.
[STAMMERING.]
Oh.
Here we are.
That'll be all, gentlemen.
Oh, yes, of course, sir.
I'll just, uh, pick up some of my personal things.
Roge.
Gentlemen? [CHUCKLING.]
Sorry, sir.
Of course, sir.
Feel free to use any Anything in the office.
Feel free, sir.
Very free.
Why don't we go in my office and plan some strategy, okay? Look, you can't let Dr.
Bellows stay in your office.
He'll find Jeannie.
I know that.
I gotta get him out of there.
You know what you need? What? A genie.
Yeah Why don't we go over to the computer and find out Jeannie's birthday, huh? I'm afraid you'll have to do it alone, Roge.
I gotta think of a way to keep Dr.
Bellows busy.
Well, how? I don't know how.
I'll think of something.
While you're thinking, why don't I have ERIC figure out Jeannie's birthday? She'll get happy, her powers will come back and all of our troubles will be over.
You know how to work ERIC? There's only one thing: We don't have enough information to feed it.
Well, it gave us the date before.
Yeah, but we don't know if the dates are correct.
What we need is more facts.
Facts? Her own mother doesn't even remember her birthday.
How are we gonna come up with any information? Ah, that's it.
That's it.
Astrology.
Astrology? Astrology.
Astro I don't believe in astrology.
I don't even believe in genies.
But Jeannie believes in astrology.
Now, do you want to help her or don't you? Of course.
I'd do anything in the world for her.
This is your only chance.
All right, all right, how could it help? All right.
Different people were born in different months with different characteristics, right? We have to find out Jeannie's characteristics, feed them to the machine, and we come up with her birthday.
[LAUGHING.]
That's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard of.
I mean, even if I went along with you on this, where would we find a book on astrology at NASA? Now, don't laugh.
Astrology For You.
Tony, it'll work.
Now, we know Jeannie was born in 64 B.
C.
Now, all we have to do is feed her characteristics to the machine.
And the fact that Neptune was in Scorpio when she was born, we'll come up with the whole thing.
All right, we'll do it.
And you know why? Why? Because I'm desperate.
I'm telling you, it'll work.
It's a cinch.
Now, all we have to do is program her personality.
How would you describe her? What do you mean? Nice, funny, happy? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Uh, stubborn.
She's stubborn.
She's stubborn.
She's imprac I better write this down.
Yes, stubborn's good.
That's a good start.
Stubborn.
Stubborn.
Um impractical.
Impractical.
Now, she's impulsive.
Impulsive.
Warm-hearted.
Warm-hearted.
Yeah.
Generous.
Very generous.
Generous, yes.
Very generous.
Sentimental.
Loyal.
Loyal's good.
Um, she's, uh friendly.
Friendly.
And beautiful.
Scratch beautiful.
Why? I think she's beautiful.
Don't you? To you, she may be beautiful, but not to ERIC.
Huh? To him, beautiful is another machine that looks just like him.
Well, that oughta do it.
I'll get back to Dr.
Bellows.
Yeah, you sure you can handle this, huh? Yeah.
Can you? Good luck.
Oh, hello, sir.
Is everything all right? Well, shouldn't it be? Yeah, oh, yes, of course.
Uh, do you find the office comfortable? Oh, it's just fine, major.
Uh, was that all? No, sir.
I'd like to speak to you, please.
Well, could it wait until a little later? I I'm in the middle of a report that General Peterson's It's urgent, sir.
I feel it's really quite urgent.
Oh? Sit down.
If you don't mind, I'd rather lie down.
What's your problem? Well, it all started when I was a small boy.
"Impractical and irresponsible.
" It sounds like a girlfriend of mine.
Let's see And then when I was 3 years old, I wanted a dog.
Oh, not just any kind of a dog.
No, not for me.
I I wanted a mongrel.
Uh, major Is that significant, doctor? If you could just tell me what your problem is.
I'm getting there.
My father wouldn't buy me a dog.
So I stole one.
BELLOWS: Major, General Peterson is waiting for this report.
If your dog can wait.
Oh, the dog can wait, I can't.
You see, when I walk down the street now and I see a dog, I have this terrible compulsion to kidnap it.
Kidnap it? [LAUGHS.]
Oh, it's not just dogs.
It's chickens and sheep and goats and horses Just a moment.
Let me get my pad.
Now, uh, you were saying that you had this urge to kidnap horses? "Mischievous and optimistic.
" Ah, there, that should do it.
Now, ERIC, you've got to come through for us, ERIC.
I've never asked you to do any favors before.
Okay? And so, in less than a year, I collected 33 dogs, And a milk cow.
That's the most amazing thing I've ever heard.
Um, where do you keep all these animals, major? Oh, in In barns mostly.
Why, that's amazing.
Is it? Oh, yeah.
We're really onto something.
Where you going, doctor? Well, I'm going to start writing this up.
I haven't told you about the fish.
Fish? Yes.
Fine machine you are.
You can't even figure out a date that happened 2000 years ago.
Jeannie was born Oh, oh, we did it.
We did it! Oh, I'm so happy, I'll kiss you.
I sure hope you're a girl machine.
Well, that's what happened to me.
That's not so unusual, major.
And then it started talking to me.
You mean, it, uh, moved its mouth? I mean it talked.
What did it say? Well, it had this high, squeaky, little voice, and it said It said [DOOR OPENS.]
ROGER: Tony! Major Healey.
Oh, Dr.
Bellows.
I'm busy, Major Healey.
Oh, sorry, just came in to wish someone a happy birthday.
Oh, you found somebody's birthday? Certainly did.
TONY: Wonderful.
I'm just as sentimental as the next man, Major Healey, but I'm in the middle of a psychoanalysis.
Would you mind closing the door behind you as you leave? Oh, I'm finished telling you about my dream, sir.
Your dream? Yes, oh, didn't I tell you? That was a dream I had last night.
You mean, you don't have a compulsion to steal animals? Well, no, sir.
I mean, I love animals, but I certainly wouldn't go around stealing them.
Not Tony.
A dream? Well, excuse me, stay right here.
Yes.
I'll be right back.
I did it! I did it! I'm proud of you.
Oh, ERIC and I are probably the smartest brains in the world.
Oh! Hey, Jeannie, Jeannie, did you hear that? We found your birthday.
Oh, yes, master.
I am so happy.
[LAUGHING.]
Oh! Oh, master, look, look! Oh, my feet are back, my feet are back.
Oh, I am so happy.
Oh, thank you, Major Healey, thank you.
Well, it's really nothing, Jeannie.
It's just, uh Are you sure there's no mistakes? Mistake? ERIC and I never make mistakes.
Give us the date.
This will kill you.
It was so obvious.
We should've thought about it in the first place.
When is my birthday, Major Healey? All right, I'll give you a clue.
Uh, the month is in the title of a popular song.
Ugh! Roge, there's a lot of months in the title of songs.
Yeah.
Okay, I'll give you another clue.
Uh, it's my favorite month of the year.
TONY: That's all very well, but I don't know your favorite month of the year.
Now, come on, stop horsing around and give us the date.
Well, look, I spent a lot of time looking for this.
I mean, I got a right to tell it to you slowly.
Ooh, Major Healey! All right, I'll give you another clue.
My grandfather was born on the same day.
Roger, if you don't give us the date, your grandfather is gonna have a grandson that was murdered on this date.
I am dying to know.
Okay, boy, you're gonna love your birthday.
I wish I was born on this date.
What is it? Uh, Jeannie's birthday is When is it? What? What? Oh, uh, General Peterson.
Tony, you were scheduled to go on a survival mission to Alaska.
Yes, sir, I'll be ready in a few minutes.
I'm changing your orders.
What for, sir? Dr.
Bellows tells me you're in the middle of some therapy.
Therapy? Oh, no, sir.
I was just telling him about a dream I had last night.
It's not just an ordinary dream, major.
That dream is gonna prove to be the key to your whole problem.
You'll be going in Tony's place.
Me? A survival mission to Alaska? PETERSON: That's right.
There's a B-57 waiting for you on the field.
You mean, we're leaving right away? Right now! Well, he can't leave right now, sir.
May I have a word with him alone? There isn't time.
You're going to have a word with me, major.
Why don't we just lie down right where we can talk.
And we're going to start at the beginning.
Uh, remember the friend we were talking about, the information you had for him? Yeah, well, just tell your friend Let's go, major.
We're on a tight schedule.
Sir I He can't leave now.
He better leave now! As you were saying, you have no problem.
Oh, boy, do I have a problem.
[.]
Jeannie! Jeannie, would you come out please? I'd like to talk to you.
Ooh! Look, I I know you're upset, but I want you to know it's not my fault.
You tricked me.
I do not believe Major Healey knows when my birthday is.
Now, tell the truth.
Now, listen, that'll be enough of that, young lady.
I'll tell you, I'm not gonna stand for any of this I should never have listened to you.
You lied to me.
Admit it.
Now, knock that off.
It isn't my fault Roger likes to play games.
[BLEATING.]
Both you and Major Healey deceived me.
I I am going to leave here and find a new master.
Someone who will care about me.
Jeannie, please, would you stop just a minute and listen to me? I wasn't lying to you.
We did find out when your birthday is.
Ah, then when is it? Major Healey knows.
Now, now, please, he'll be back in two weeks.
I cannot wait two weeks! Oh, I would like to turn Major Healey into a A mosquito and put him into a pond full of frogs.
You know, that's one of the best ideas you ever had.
[CHUCKLING.]
Oh.
Don't be unhappy, Jeannie.
Just be patient, hm? Oh, it is not easy, master.
I know.
Well, now, please don't do that again.
Please don't do that again.
I got something in my eye.
Huh, oh, let me see.
Now, look up.
All right, look down.
I am sorry if I was difficult, master.
Oh, that's all right.
I understand.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Here.
Hello, Tony Nelson here.
ROGER: Hello, Tony? Oh, hi, Roge.
You see, our problems are solved.
Oh! I only got a minute.
We're going out on a mission.
Yeah, but Jeannie's pretty anxious about this, Roge.
Yeah, I can imagine.
It was funny what happened, wasn't it? Ha, ha.
Roger, unless you're eager to become a mosquito in a pond of frogs, you better give me the date.
Is it a good month, master? I don't know.
He hasn't told me yet.
Listen, Jeannie's gonna love her birthday.
Remember the clue? I said the month was in a song title? Ooh, when is my birthday, master? When is my birthday? He hasn't told me yet.
He's giving me clues.
Oh, hold on a minute, will ya? Roger! Roger! Oh.
You still there? Yeah, and it's my favorite month of the year.
Never mind all that.
Just tell me the date.
Well, here it is: Jeannie's birthday is Major, major, everything is ready, let's go.
Yeah, look, I gotta go now.
All right, I'll see you in a couple of weeks.
Roger List Roger.
He's done it again.
I don't believe it.
He's done it again.
Ooh! Now, what are you gonna do? I am going to blink Major Healey here.
Yeah, well, you can't do that.
Watch me, master.
No, I know you can, Jeannie, but you mustn't.
Now, he's on a very important mission.
You mustn't pull him off of it.
I want to know when I was born.
Well, he'll be back in two more weeks.
Two whole weeks.
Look, you haven't known what your birthday is for 2000 years, a few days is not gonna make that much difference.
Huh? Please.
Very well, master.
[LAUGHING.]
Good girl.
I tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna give you a birthday party.
But you do not know when my birthday is.
Well, it doesn't matter.
You can consider this one kind of a A pre-birthday party, hm? Oh, that is a lovely idea.
When shall we have it? Well, um, tonight.
Oh, it will be the first birthday party I have ever had.
Whom shall we invite? Yeah, that kind of presents a problem, doesn't it? Oh, what problem, master? Well, for one thing, my friends don't know about you, so I can't ask them.
And you don't have any friends, so It'll just be the two of us.
Jeannie, we'll have a birthday cake, and we'll have presents and I guarantee you, it'll feel like a party.
Whatever you say, master.
Good, good.
Well, I gotta get going.
I'll be back about 6:00.
Oh, where are you going? To think up some more dreams for Dr.
Bellows.
Jeannie! Oh, Jeannie! Jeannie? Good evening, master.
Oh.
Do you like my pre-birthday dress? Oh, it's beautiful.
Oh, thank you.
Leonardo da Vinci designed it.
[LAUGHING.]
Yeah.
Who else? Oh, here.
Oh, master.
I am going to cry.
We got champagne, and we have caviar and we're gonna have the most beautiful party anybody ever had.
Oh, I am so excited.
Oh, and it was such a surprise.
How did you know that I wanted a birthday party? Psychic, I guess.
Oh, you are the most wonderful master a genie ever had.
Well, I haven't had too much experience with this, Jeannie, but you're the most wonderful genie a master ever had.
Oh.
Here.
[GASPS.]
Oh.
Oh, oh, it is lovely.
Oh, master, thank you.
A little genie bottle.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
I wish we could have a lot of people at the party.
Would you? [LAUGHING.]
Whee! Oh, uh, uh, Jeannie, who are all these people? Oh, these are just a few of my friends.
Oh, this is Major Nelson.
Thank you.
Benjamin Franklin.
How do you do, sir? Cleopatra.
How do you do? Have you seen Mark Anthony? Well, not lately.
Excuse us, please.
This is Major Nelson, Marie Antoinette.
How do you do? William Shakespeare.
How do you do, sir? You remind me of my old friend, Yorick.
Alas, poor Yorick.
I knew him well.
Romeo and Juliet.
I I beg your pardon, sir.
That's Hamlet.
It was? Oh, well, Hamlet, Romeo when you've written one, you've written them all.
Yes.
[LAUGHING.]
[SCREAMING.]
Henry, behave yourself.
Oh, that is perfectly normal behavior.
This is Major Nelson.
Uh, Sigmund Freud.
Oh, how do you do, sir? And King Henry VIII.
How do you do, sir? How do you do, lad? Uh I hope you do not mind, master.
Mind? Of course not.
This is wonderful.
Oh, then I do not have to send them away? Oh, no, no, of course Oh, there is somebody I would like to see here.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Um, Jeannie? Jeannie, don't leave me here with all these people.
Major Nelson? Oh, Dr.
Bellows.
How are you, sir? I wasn't expecting you.
Aren't you, uh? Benjamin Franklin.
Oh, yes.
Well Marie Antoinette.
And isn't this William Shakespeare? Well, he's not really the real William Oh, and aren't you King Henry VIII? Well, I Oh, Cleopatra.
You caught me.
Caught you? Yes, sir.
You're looking at some of the greatest figures in history.
Oh, yes.
Sir, I knew this day was gonna come.
I might as well tell you everything.
Yes, and after you've told me, you think that I'm gonna rush back and tell General Peterson that you're entertaining Cleopatra, Shakespeare, and King Henry VIII? Yes, well No, major.
I don't know why you have these guilt feelings about not inviting me to your costume party, but we'll settle that at our next little session, won't we? Cos? Costume party? You know, uh, some of the costumes are, uh, quite effective.
Although I think you're overdoing the padding a bit, don't you? Oh, uh, Mr.
Shakespeare? I've enjoyed your work.
Thank you.
And, uh, who are you supposed to be? I am Dr.
Sigmund Freud.
Oh, I am a psychiatrist too.
Hm, well, uh, enjoy your party, major.
Yes.
I'll see you in the morning.
[GRUNTS.]
Jeannie.
Je Is everything all right, master? Nothing is all right.
Do you know how close I came to getting thrown out of the space program? Oh, I am sorry, master.
You're sorry.
Listen, get rid of these people.
But you just said that Yeah, I know, but get rid of them.
Oh.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
All except Dr.
Freud.
Um, oh, doctor? May I see you for just a moment, sir? Uh, you see, I have a little problem, and seeing you're here, I might as well use your talents.
I, uh I'm an astronaut.
And one day, I landed on this This Well, this deserted island, and I picked up a genie out of a bottle and ever since, I I haven't had a night's sleep [.]
Good morning, master.
Good morning, Jeannie.
Did you sleep well, master? Well, to tell you the truth, I was a little excited to sleep.
It's not every day a guy gets to chat with Cleopatra and Henry VIII and Sigmund Freud, huh? It was a lovely party, was it not, master? Well, that it was.
I can hardly wait for Major Healey to return, so that I can find out when my real birthday is.
Hm.
Oh! It is so exciting to think that from now on, I am going to have a birthday just like everyone else.
Yeah, that's right.
Each year I am going to be a year older.
That's right.
A year older.
Oh, oh.
[YELPS.]
Master, look.
Hm? Look, look, right there, right there.
There is a wrinkle.
Right No, no, there.
Oh, that's not a wrinkle.
That's not a wrinkle, Jeannie.
It certainly is a wrinkle.
That was not there yesterday.
I am getting old and wrinkled.
Oh, do you realize that every year I am going to be a year older? Oh, if I had known that having a birthday was going to be like this, I would have never of allowed you to find out when my real birthday is.
Oh, this will make me so nervous, master.
This is terrible.
Why did you allow me to do this? You are my master.
You were supposed to take care of me.
After all, I'm only a genie [.]