I Dream of Jeannie (1965) s02e13 Episode Script
My Master, the Great Caruso
[.]
[YAWNS.]
Oh, good morning, master.
I am sorry.
I must have overslept.
Good morning, Jeannie.
[GASPS.]
You made breakfast all by yourself.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, how clever of you.
Oh, help yourself.
Is there any mail for me? Who would be writing to you? Oh, Omar Khayyám, Julius Caesar.
Oh.
No, I'm sorry.
It seems to be all for me.
Oh, here's a reminder about the television show tomorrow night.
What show is that, master? Oh, uh, once a year the American Air Force bases all over the world put on a talent show.
They they pick a contestant from each base.
Oh, that sounds exciting.
Mm-hm.
Oh, they're gonna beam the show on Telstar.
They'll have, uh, someone broadcasting from Alaska and Hawaii and here at Cape Kennedy.
The winner gets a trophy.
Oh, good.
We will put it on the mantel.
What are you going to do? I'm gonna sit in the audience to applaud.
Oh, but you must be in the contest.
[CHUCKLING.]
Well, what would I do? Well, does it matter? Well, yeah, a little.
Well, you can do anything.
Uh, no, no, Jeannie.
You can do anything, And don't.
Oh, but the mantel needs a trophy.
Well, blink one in.
I'm not gonna be in that contest.
I know you can sing.
[CHUCKLING.]
Have you ever heard me sing? Oh, yes.
You have a beautiful voice.
Oh, come on, Jeannie.
Sing something, master.
Oh, come on.
No, no.
Oh, please, please.
Sing something from the opera we saw last night.
What, Rigoletto? Mm-hm.
Really? Uh-huh.
Okay, why not.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[WARBLES VERDI'S "LA DONNA Ã MOBILE".]
Yeah, well, that's That's it.
Oh, that's beautiful, master.
Yeah? [GIGGLES.]
Sing something else.
Uh Please.
All right, um, why don't I try a? A light scale, hm? Mm-hm.
Mm-hm.
[IN KEY.]
La, la, la La, laaa Laaaa, laaaa, laaaaa [STAMMERING.]
Did you see that? Saw it, but I don't believe it.
[.]
[.]
[.]
[STAMMERING.]
Well, good morning, Dr.
Bellows.
Major, uh, where did you learn to sing like that? Oh, it's a It's a gift.
Oh, I've heard you sing before, but it didn't sound anything like this.
Well, you know what they say.
Practice makes perfect.
BELLOWS: Uh, Major Nelson.
Do you mind letting me hear that voice again? Uh, I'd really rather not, sir.
You see, the strain in the morning air Just a few notes.
TONY: If you don't mind, I'd, uh Why not.
[CRESCENDOING.]
La, la, la, la, la La, la, la, laaaaa Fantastic.
Yes, I think you might say that, sir.
Is there anything I can do for you? Well, um, I had some forms for you to fill out, but, uh, with a voice like that, you mustn't waste your time.
I'll see you later, major.
[.]
[SNICKERS.]
Ahhhhh [GLASS CRACKS.]
Fantastic.
[GIGGLING.]
What am I doing? Jeannie.
[JEANNIE LAUGHS.]
Jeannie.
Oh, yes, master.
I'd like to speak to you.
Yes, master.
No.
No, what? No, I'm not gonna be in that contest.
Oh, but you must.
How will I look if some other genie's master wins? Well, I doubt if that'll ever come up.
Now, just forget about the contest.
If you say so, master.
Oh, no you don't.
Oh, no you don't.
You're gonna blink that voice away, or I won't forgive you.
I swear.
But it is such a lovely voice Ah, no, ah-ah, Jeannie.
No, I'm not kidding.
But No.
Plea Mm.
Very well, master.
I promise that you will not sing like Caruso again.
Wait.
Hm? Goodbye All right.
[SINGS NOTES OFF-KEY.]
And that makes you happier? No, it just makes me feel a lot safer.
Usually, when you do these things, I get into a lot of trouble.
Luckily, this time there's There's been no trouble, and Well, if you promise not to do it again, we'll just forget about the whole thing.
Yes, master.
Oh.
Oh, master.
When will Major Healey return? Uh, he oughta be back tomorrow.
Look at this.
Oh, good.
Then I will find out when my birthday is.
Yeah, I I've got to get back to the base.
Would you clean up all this glass and that stuff, huh? Oh, certainly, master.
[SIGHS.]
I'll see you later.
Mm.
Bye-bye.
Goodbye.
[.]
Caruso? Tony Nelson's got a voice like Caruso? That's right, general.
I heard it myself.
Now, that's hard to believe.
Well, general.
No one's more surprised than I am.
I don't know what happened, but as you know, I'm somewhat of an opera bug.
Yeah.
And I'm telling you, Major Nelson has one of the greatest voices I've ever heard.
And you think he oughta represent Cape Kennedy on that television show tomorrow night? I've already entered him.
We can't lose.
Well, you oughta know.
Boy, I'd like to get that trophy.
It would look awful good.
Up on the mantel.
In the Officers' Club.
That's what I thought, general.
What did Tony say? Oh, I haven't told him yet.
Oh, but he'll be thrilled.
After all, it's quite an honor to represent the space center.
Yeah Oh, I want to see his face when you tell him.
[LAUGHS.]
[LAUGHING.]
You entered me in what? PETERSON: I knew you'd be pleased, Tony.
Oh, sir.
I can't sing, general.
I really I can't sing.
I admire your modesty, major, but in this case, believe me, it's misplaced.
You have a voice that even Caruso would have been proud of.
Yeah, he was.
Well, I mean You're gonna have to find somebody else to represent Cape Kennedy, sir.
Well, I don't understand.
I thought you'd be proud to be up there, giving your all.
Well, that's just it, it's not my all to give.
Major, you have the only voice I've ever heard that shatters glass.
He did that? More than once.
I saw it.
[STAMMERING.]
It was an accident, sir.
Just an accident.
Uh, believe me, if I went out there, I'd be singing under false pretenses.
Why would you? Well, I I don't have a trained voice, sir.
I don't have any control over it.
Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
Tony, I have my heart set on this trophy.
Now, you're gonna go in and you're going to win, aren't ya? Well, I [SNAPS.]
Uh The [SNEEZES.]
I've had this cold coming on.
I feel it's gonna get worse.
We can't let that happen, can we, doctor? Oh, no.
You go home and take care of it.
Oh, well, I I want you in good shape for tomorrow night.
Yes, sir, I'll I'll certainly try.
I I It's all right, thank you.
[TONY SNEEZES.]
[SNEEZES.]
Oh, good, good.
Cold, good! Master, your dinner is ready.
Do you want it? What are you doing, master? Committing suicide.
But you could catch your death of cold like that.
That's the idea.
Oh, well, you did not think I would let you catch cold, did you? Jeannie, you don't understand.
I'm trying to catch cold.
Oh, I could not let you do that.
As long as I am your genie, you are going to remain in perfect health.
Oh.
[SHOUTING.]
Ow! [HOARSELY.]
"And so, my fellow members of Congress, "I say that on this great and glorious Fourth of July, "we should commemorate the magnificent pioneer spirits "of those who blazed the trail for us, those who sent us on the march to victory" Master? Hm? Master, it is 3:00 in the morning.
What are you doing? I I'm just reading a little.
Your voice sounds hoarse.
Does it? Yeah, oh, no, I feel fine.
You go to bed.
You sure you feel all right? [CHUCKLING.]
I never felt better in my life.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
"In 1776, when our brave forefathers took "this first magnificent step towards liberty "and went into battle, "it was because they heard the voices of the oppressed crying, [NORMAL VOICE.]
'Help.
'" [GROANS.]
Help.
Help.
Help.
[.]
Jeannie.
[MAGIC BOINGS.]
Good morning, master.
[CHUCKLING.]
Oh, good morning.
Did you sleep well? No, as a matter of fact, I didn't.
I didn't close my eyes once last night.
Spent the whole night coming to a decision.
Oh What decision was that, master? Well, I decided that since I can't get out of the contest, I might as well go in and win it.
[CHUCKLING.]
That's nice.
Thank you, master.
As a matter of fact, I kind of enjoyed singing like Caruso.
[SNICKERS.]
Did you? Mm-hm.
As a matter of fact, I think the trophy oughta go right here.
Oh, perhaps a nice vase would be better, master.
Who needs a vase when I have a trophy? [OFF-KEY.]
La, la, la, laaaaa Laaaaaa Oh, thank you.
Ahem.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Wouldn't they be surprised if I sang like that tonight, huh? [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Okay, go ahead.
Go ahead? Yeah, you know, uh, blink in Caruso.
No.
No, what? No, master? Jeannie, I want to sing like Caruso.
Thou canst not.
Who said I canst not? You did.
Oh, remember? You made me promise that you would never sing like Caruso again, or you would never forgive me.
Don't listen to what I told you, listen to what I'm telling ya.
Oh, I knew you were yelling at me.
Yelling at you? This is a whisper compared to If you want me, I will be shopping Shopping? Jeannie In Baghdad.
Don't do this to me.
Jeannie! Now, come on! Naaah! Listen, you see Ahh, ahh, ahh.
[SINGS NOTE OFF-KEY.]
Jeannie.
[OFF-KEY.]
Naaaaaaa Oooaahh Ah! What is it? Oh, when'd you get back? Couple of minutes ago.
Uh, what are you trying to do, anyway? I'm trying to break that.
You can't break that? No.
Would you like some help? You think you could? [.]
[.]
Thanks.
Forget it.
Hey, listen, uh, where's Jeannie? I'd like to tell her about her birthday.
She went shopping.
Shopping! Yeah.
Hey, look, why don't we get dressed up tonight and have a celebration, huh? I'm sorry.
I'm busy tonight.
Oh, doing what? I think you better sit down.
I don't wanna sit down.
I'm singing in the Air Force contest tonight.
You're singing in the That's right.
Why don't I sit down? Mm-hmm.
You're sing? You're singing in a contest with your voice? No, originally it was somebody else's voice.
Now, you may find this hard to believe, but yesterday I sang a lot like Caruso.
Now or when he was living? Oh, I'm serious.
Jeannie.
Jeannie? That's right.
Jeannie gave you Caruso's voice? Well, maybe she changed it back again.
Why don't you sing something.
Ahem.
All right.
[WARBLES VERDI'S "LA DONNA Ã MOBILE".]
[CRYING.]
I'm desperate, Roger.
If I don't sing tonight, General Peterson and Dr.
Bellows are gonna think I'm letting 'em down.
And if you do sing, you'll by lynched.
Do you realize about 30 million people are gonna be watching that show tonight? They'll probably laugh themselves to death.
Thanks.
Thanks, Roge.
I needed a friend like you to come back from the Arctic and tell me really honest and straight.
Wait a minute, wait a minute, You don't have to sing tonight.
Oh, you don't have to sing.
I just solved your whole problem.
What? Oh, catch cold.
Catch cold.
Catch cold.
All you have to do is take off your clothes, stand in front of an open window with the fan on you, put your feet in a tub of ice water! I'm out of ice cubes.
I already tried it.
You're out of ice cubes and you didn't catch cold.
Jeannie wouldn't let me.
Wait a minute.
Oh, are you lucky to have me for a friend.
What? Look at this.
Now, just read out loud at the top of your voice, and I guarantee you within one hour, your throat will be Cut.
You tried it? Tony You got a problem.
Yes.
Oh, boy.
Why can't Jeannie make you sing like Caruso again? Because one of the greatest minds of our time made her promise not to.
Well, what do you do now? I don't know.
I don't know.
Do I? Do I throw myself on the mercy of General Peterson, or do I jump in front of a truck? Jump in front of a truck.
PETERSON: Seventy, 80, 90, 100.
I feel guilty about this.
I should really give you odds.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Come in.
Oh, I'm sorry Oh, Tony.
Come on in, Tony.
We were just talking about you.
Oh, uh, just talking about me, sir? This is General Brill from Edwards Air Force Base.
This is Major Nelson.
Oh, how do you do, sir? So this is "The Golden Thrush.
" "The Golden Thrush.
" PETERSON: Yeah, I was telling him about you.
As a matter of fact, I just bet $100 on it.
A hundred dollars? Well, $100 is nothing You're right.
You want to make it 200? You're on.
I was telling General Brill he's in for a big surprise tonight.
Yes.
You think we oughta give him a little sample, or, uh? Shall we save our ammunition? I think we oughta save our ammunition.
Right.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Excuse me.
Yes.
Yeah.
What? What! Well, if you tell them, if they're not able to do the job properly, they're not fit to be officers representing this command! And I, personally, will see that they're transferred to duties elsewhere! Ah, Tony, my boy.
That trophy's gonna look wonderful sitting up there on the mantel in the Officers' Club.
Or else you're gonna have a very unhappy general on your hands.
[LAUGHS.]
[ALL LAUGHING.]
Yes.
Well, if you gentlemen will excuse me, please.
Off to rehearse? Uh, no, sir, to find a truck.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
[TOOTHBRUSH BUZZING.]
[HUMS.]
[SINGS IN ITALIAN.]
[SIGHS.]
I wonder why they didn't ask me to sing in that contest tonight? I wish they had.
Oh, hi, uh, have you heard from Jeannie yet? No, but I've heard from General Peterson.
Roge, we're gonna have an accident tonight.
Hey, I think you've had an accident already.
No, no.
I mean, we're gonna fake an accident.
We're gonna go up to the country club for dinner tonight, and on the way, we're gonna have a flat tire or, uh, bump a tree or Oh, I get it.
You don't have to show up at the broadcast, and nobody blames you.
Good thinking.
That's right.
There's only one thing.
What? We'll use your car.
Oh, gentlemen.
Oh, hi.
I'm glad I caught you.
Caught us? Caught us? Uh, yes.
Have you made any plans for dinner this evening? Well, yes, we're going out to the country club, sir.
Yeah, they have a lot of accidents on that road.
Oh, why don't we all have dinner together? The three of us? Yes.
Uh, no, no.
Roge.
Uh, yes.
Then we can go back to your house with you while you change, and then we'll escort you to the studio.
Oh.
We wouldn't want anything to happen to you tonight, would we, Major Nelson? BELLOWS: Shall we go? [.]
Come on.
I'd just be in the way! Now, Major Nelson, during the rehearsal, I want you to Major Nelson.
Yes Yes, sir.
Hey, look at all this, anyway.
I feel like I'm in show business.
Oh, uh, Mr.
Hennessy.
Uh, just a moment.
Uh, this is Major Nelson.
How do you do? And Major Healey.
Sir.
Uh, Mr.
Hennessy will be your accompanist.
I was getting worried.
Well, I'm sorry we're late.
We had two flat tires and almost hit a tree.
Um, I'm afraid we aren't gonna have any time to rehearse, major.
You probably don't have my music anyway.
You told me he sang opera.
Well, I can play the arias from any opera ever written.
Wagner, Verdi, Bizet.
What would you like to sing? Do you know "Melancholy Baby"? "Melancholy Baby"? [LAUGHS.]
Good old Tony, always kidding around.
Gentlemen, we only have a short amount of time.
Now, how 'bout doing "La donna è mobile" from Rigoletto? Rigoletto? Yes, and what key do you sing at? F.
HENNESSY: F.
TONY: Or a C.
F or C? G.
Uh, he has a fantastic range, Mr.
Hennessy.
I promise you, this will be an experience you'll never forget.
Well, come with me, major.
Yes.
This is going to be an experience none of us will ever forget.
What? Oh, nothing, sir.
Excuse me.
[ACCORDION PLAYING.]
Major Healey! Oh! Shh! Oh, I am so happy to see you.
Really? Gee, it's nice to know you been missed.
Well, I I have been dying to know when my birthday is.
Yeah, I bet you have.
Sorry about the delay.
Well, it does not matter now.
When is it, Major Healey? Remember I told you the month was the title of a song? [APPLAUSE OVER TV.]
You'll just love your birthday.
Uh-huh.
It's on And now, ladies and gentlemen, in just a moment, we'll switch you from Hickam Field in Hawaii to Cape Kennedy in Florida, and Major Anthony Nelson.
Oh, they're getting ready for my master.
Um, this is your music.
Yeah.
And now, watch for the red light on that camera.
And that's the stage manager.
He'll give you your cue.
Ah, oh, listen, uh, believe me, I'm not ready.
Honestly, I'm not.
Oh, now, there's nothing to be nervous about.
The microphone! Oh.
You know, this I hope I didn't break that.
There's nothing to be nervous about.
Now, look, you have an eight bar introduction here.
I will be playing on the piano.
Yeah.
And you come in right there.
Yeah.
And when you come in there, you be sure you take that camera.
Yeah.
And then Oh! That's it That's That's all right.
I have another copy.
Jeannie, you've got to do something.
Look at him.
What can I do? Well, give him back Caruso's voice.
I want to.
But I promised him that I would not.
TV ANNOUNCER: And now, to Cape Kennedy and Major Anthony Nelson.
[PLAYS VERDI'S "LA DONNA Ã MOBILE" ON PIANO.]
[WHISPERING.]
Excuse me, can I look at this? [HENNESSY STARTS PIECE OVER.]
[HENNESSY REPEATS THE SAME BAR.]
You gotta help him.
[HENNESSY STARTS PIECE OVER.]
H-how can I? I gave him my word.
Look at the poor devil.
[WHISPERING.]
Excuse me.
[HENNESSY STARTS PIECE OVER.]
Oh, I can't watch.
Poor Major Nelson.
How does he get himself into these things? Major Healey.
Yeah.
I promised him that he would not sing like Caruso again.
I know.
But I did not promise that he would not sing like anyone else! Huh? [MAGIC BOINGS.]
Now! Oh! All right.
[HENNESSY STARTS PIECE OVER.]
[HIGH FEMALE VOICE.]
La donna é mobile Qual piuma al vento Muto d'accento He's singing soprano.
E di pensiero [MAGIC BOINGS.]
[HENNESSY STARTS PIECE OVER.]
[DEEP MALE VOICE.]
La donna é mobile Qual piuma al vento Muto d'accento I don't think that's right either.
Oh? E di pensiero [MAGIC BOINGS.]
[NORMAL FEMALE VOICE.]
La donna é mobile Qual piuma al vento Muto d'accento E di pensiero [MAGIC BOINGS.]
[BETTY BOOP'S VOICE.]
E di pensiero Boop-Oop-A-Doop [.]
[ALL LAUGHING.]
ROGER: That's the Boop-Oop-A-Doop.
That's the funniest thing I ever heard in my whole life! Oh! I tell you, I almost died laughing.
Major Healey, when is my birthday? And the thing that breaks me up is you won! [CHUCKLING.]
Yeah, I know.
What did it say on the trophy? "For the most versatile voice of the century.
" And my birthday, huh? You sang notes that haven't even been invented before.
Oh, I'm sorry I couldn't bring the trophy home, but, uh, General Peterson was very adamant.
He wanted to keep it at the Officers' Club.
That's all right.
He may have it.
Major Healey, please! When is my birthday? Oh, your birthday, your birthday Hey, when is her birthday? Oh, listen.
I've got a clue.
Only this time, we're gonna play a game.
Ah! We're gonna play charades No.
No! No! Now, the first word It's a long word April first! Your birthday's April first! April first.
Oh, what a lovely birthday.
Oh, Jeannie, these are sharp.
I was only kidding.
Oh, April's my favorite month of the year! [.]
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE.]
[.]
[YAWNS.]
Oh, good morning, master.
I am sorry.
I must have overslept.
Good morning, Jeannie.
[GASPS.]
You made breakfast all by yourself.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, how clever of you.
Oh, help yourself.
Is there any mail for me? Who would be writing to you? Oh, Omar Khayyám, Julius Caesar.
Oh.
No, I'm sorry.
It seems to be all for me.
Oh, here's a reminder about the television show tomorrow night.
What show is that, master? Oh, uh, once a year the American Air Force bases all over the world put on a talent show.
They they pick a contestant from each base.
Oh, that sounds exciting.
Mm-hm.
Oh, they're gonna beam the show on Telstar.
They'll have, uh, someone broadcasting from Alaska and Hawaii and here at Cape Kennedy.
The winner gets a trophy.
Oh, good.
We will put it on the mantel.
What are you going to do? I'm gonna sit in the audience to applaud.
Oh, but you must be in the contest.
[CHUCKLING.]
Well, what would I do? Well, does it matter? Well, yeah, a little.
Well, you can do anything.
Uh, no, no, Jeannie.
You can do anything, And don't.
Oh, but the mantel needs a trophy.
Well, blink one in.
I'm not gonna be in that contest.
I know you can sing.
[CHUCKLING.]
Have you ever heard me sing? Oh, yes.
You have a beautiful voice.
Oh, come on, Jeannie.
Sing something, master.
Oh, come on.
No, no.
Oh, please, please.
Sing something from the opera we saw last night.
What, Rigoletto? Mm-hm.
Really? Uh-huh.
Okay, why not.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[WARBLES VERDI'S "LA DONNA Ã MOBILE".]
Yeah, well, that's That's it.
Oh, that's beautiful, master.
Yeah? [GIGGLES.]
Sing something else.
Uh Please.
All right, um, why don't I try a? A light scale, hm? Mm-hm.
Mm-hm.
[IN KEY.]
La, la, la La, laaa Laaaa, laaaa, laaaaa [STAMMERING.]
Did you see that? Saw it, but I don't believe it.
[.]
[.]
[.]
[STAMMERING.]
Well, good morning, Dr.
Bellows.
Major, uh, where did you learn to sing like that? Oh, it's a It's a gift.
Oh, I've heard you sing before, but it didn't sound anything like this.
Well, you know what they say.
Practice makes perfect.
BELLOWS: Uh, Major Nelson.
Do you mind letting me hear that voice again? Uh, I'd really rather not, sir.
You see, the strain in the morning air Just a few notes.
TONY: If you don't mind, I'd, uh Why not.
[CRESCENDOING.]
La, la, la, la, la La, la, la, laaaaa Fantastic.
Yes, I think you might say that, sir.
Is there anything I can do for you? Well, um, I had some forms for you to fill out, but, uh, with a voice like that, you mustn't waste your time.
I'll see you later, major.
[.]
[SNICKERS.]
Ahhhhh [GLASS CRACKS.]
Fantastic.
[GIGGLING.]
What am I doing? Jeannie.
[JEANNIE LAUGHS.]
Jeannie.
Oh, yes, master.
I'd like to speak to you.
Yes, master.
No.
No, what? No, I'm not gonna be in that contest.
Oh, but you must.
How will I look if some other genie's master wins? Well, I doubt if that'll ever come up.
Now, just forget about the contest.
If you say so, master.
Oh, no you don't.
Oh, no you don't.
You're gonna blink that voice away, or I won't forgive you.
I swear.
But it is such a lovely voice Ah, no, ah-ah, Jeannie.
No, I'm not kidding.
But No.
Plea Mm.
Very well, master.
I promise that you will not sing like Caruso again.
Wait.
Hm? Goodbye All right.
[SINGS NOTES OFF-KEY.]
And that makes you happier? No, it just makes me feel a lot safer.
Usually, when you do these things, I get into a lot of trouble.
Luckily, this time there's There's been no trouble, and Well, if you promise not to do it again, we'll just forget about the whole thing.
Yes, master.
Oh.
Oh, master.
When will Major Healey return? Uh, he oughta be back tomorrow.
Look at this.
Oh, good.
Then I will find out when my birthday is.
Yeah, I I've got to get back to the base.
Would you clean up all this glass and that stuff, huh? Oh, certainly, master.
[SIGHS.]
I'll see you later.
Mm.
Bye-bye.
Goodbye.
[.]
Caruso? Tony Nelson's got a voice like Caruso? That's right, general.
I heard it myself.
Now, that's hard to believe.
Well, general.
No one's more surprised than I am.
I don't know what happened, but as you know, I'm somewhat of an opera bug.
Yeah.
And I'm telling you, Major Nelson has one of the greatest voices I've ever heard.
And you think he oughta represent Cape Kennedy on that television show tomorrow night? I've already entered him.
We can't lose.
Well, you oughta know.
Boy, I'd like to get that trophy.
It would look awful good.
Up on the mantel.
In the Officers' Club.
That's what I thought, general.
What did Tony say? Oh, I haven't told him yet.
Oh, but he'll be thrilled.
After all, it's quite an honor to represent the space center.
Yeah Oh, I want to see his face when you tell him.
[LAUGHS.]
[LAUGHING.]
You entered me in what? PETERSON: I knew you'd be pleased, Tony.
Oh, sir.
I can't sing, general.
I really I can't sing.
I admire your modesty, major, but in this case, believe me, it's misplaced.
You have a voice that even Caruso would have been proud of.
Yeah, he was.
Well, I mean You're gonna have to find somebody else to represent Cape Kennedy, sir.
Well, I don't understand.
I thought you'd be proud to be up there, giving your all.
Well, that's just it, it's not my all to give.
Major, you have the only voice I've ever heard that shatters glass.
He did that? More than once.
I saw it.
[STAMMERING.]
It was an accident, sir.
Just an accident.
Uh, believe me, if I went out there, I'd be singing under false pretenses.
Why would you? Well, I I don't have a trained voice, sir.
I don't have any control over it.
Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
Tony, I have my heart set on this trophy.
Now, you're gonna go in and you're going to win, aren't ya? Well, I [SNAPS.]
Uh The [SNEEZES.]
I've had this cold coming on.
I feel it's gonna get worse.
We can't let that happen, can we, doctor? Oh, no.
You go home and take care of it.
Oh, well, I I want you in good shape for tomorrow night.
Yes, sir, I'll I'll certainly try.
I I It's all right, thank you.
[TONY SNEEZES.]
[SNEEZES.]
Oh, good, good.
Cold, good! Master, your dinner is ready.
Do you want it? What are you doing, master? Committing suicide.
But you could catch your death of cold like that.
That's the idea.
Oh, well, you did not think I would let you catch cold, did you? Jeannie, you don't understand.
I'm trying to catch cold.
Oh, I could not let you do that.
As long as I am your genie, you are going to remain in perfect health.
Oh.
[SHOUTING.]
Ow! [HOARSELY.]
"And so, my fellow members of Congress, "I say that on this great and glorious Fourth of July, "we should commemorate the magnificent pioneer spirits "of those who blazed the trail for us, those who sent us on the march to victory" Master? Hm? Master, it is 3:00 in the morning.
What are you doing? I I'm just reading a little.
Your voice sounds hoarse.
Does it? Yeah, oh, no, I feel fine.
You go to bed.
You sure you feel all right? [CHUCKLING.]
I never felt better in my life.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
"In 1776, when our brave forefathers took "this first magnificent step towards liberty "and went into battle, "it was because they heard the voices of the oppressed crying, [NORMAL VOICE.]
'Help.
'" [GROANS.]
Help.
Help.
Help.
[.]
Jeannie.
[MAGIC BOINGS.]
Good morning, master.
[CHUCKLING.]
Oh, good morning.
Did you sleep well? No, as a matter of fact, I didn't.
I didn't close my eyes once last night.
Spent the whole night coming to a decision.
Oh What decision was that, master? Well, I decided that since I can't get out of the contest, I might as well go in and win it.
[CHUCKLING.]
That's nice.
Thank you, master.
As a matter of fact, I kind of enjoyed singing like Caruso.
[SNICKERS.]
Did you? Mm-hm.
As a matter of fact, I think the trophy oughta go right here.
Oh, perhaps a nice vase would be better, master.
Who needs a vase when I have a trophy? [OFF-KEY.]
La, la, la, laaaaa Laaaaaa Oh, thank you.
Ahem.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Wouldn't they be surprised if I sang like that tonight, huh? [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Okay, go ahead.
Go ahead? Yeah, you know, uh, blink in Caruso.
No.
No, what? No, master? Jeannie, I want to sing like Caruso.
Thou canst not.
Who said I canst not? You did.
Oh, remember? You made me promise that you would never sing like Caruso again, or you would never forgive me.
Don't listen to what I told you, listen to what I'm telling ya.
Oh, I knew you were yelling at me.
Yelling at you? This is a whisper compared to If you want me, I will be shopping Shopping? Jeannie In Baghdad.
Don't do this to me.
Jeannie! Now, come on! Naaah! Listen, you see Ahh, ahh, ahh.
[SINGS NOTE OFF-KEY.]
Jeannie.
[OFF-KEY.]
Naaaaaaa Oooaahh Ah! What is it? Oh, when'd you get back? Couple of minutes ago.
Uh, what are you trying to do, anyway? I'm trying to break that.
You can't break that? No.
Would you like some help? You think you could? [.]
[.]
Thanks.
Forget it.
Hey, listen, uh, where's Jeannie? I'd like to tell her about her birthday.
She went shopping.
Shopping! Yeah.
Hey, look, why don't we get dressed up tonight and have a celebration, huh? I'm sorry.
I'm busy tonight.
Oh, doing what? I think you better sit down.
I don't wanna sit down.
I'm singing in the Air Force contest tonight.
You're singing in the That's right.
Why don't I sit down? Mm-hmm.
You're sing? You're singing in a contest with your voice? No, originally it was somebody else's voice.
Now, you may find this hard to believe, but yesterday I sang a lot like Caruso.
Now or when he was living? Oh, I'm serious.
Jeannie.
Jeannie? That's right.
Jeannie gave you Caruso's voice? Well, maybe she changed it back again.
Why don't you sing something.
Ahem.
All right.
[WARBLES VERDI'S "LA DONNA Ã MOBILE".]
[CRYING.]
I'm desperate, Roger.
If I don't sing tonight, General Peterson and Dr.
Bellows are gonna think I'm letting 'em down.
And if you do sing, you'll by lynched.
Do you realize about 30 million people are gonna be watching that show tonight? They'll probably laugh themselves to death.
Thanks.
Thanks, Roge.
I needed a friend like you to come back from the Arctic and tell me really honest and straight.
Wait a minute, wait a minute, You don't have to sing tonight.
Oh, you don't have to sing.
I just solved your whole problem.
What? Oh, catch cold.
Catch cold.
Catch cold.
All you have to do is take off your clothes, stand in front of an open window with the fan on you, put your feet in a tub of ice water! I'm out of ice cubes.
I already tried it.
You're out of ice cubes and you didn't catch cold.
Jeannie wouldn't let me.
Wait a minute.
Oh, are you lucky to have me for a friend.
What? Look at this.
Now, just read out loud at the top of your voice, and I guarantee you within one hour, your throat will be Cut.
You tried it? Tony You got a problem.
Yes.
Oh, boy.
Why can't Jeannie make you sing like Caruso again? Because one of the greatest minds of our time made her promise not to.
Well, what do you do now? I don't know.
I don't know.
Do I? Do I throw myself on the mercy of General Peterson, or do I jump in front of a truck? Jump in front of a truck.
PETERSON: Seventy, 80, 90, 100.
I feel guilty about this.
I should really give you odds.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Come in.
Oh, I'm sorry Oh, Tony.
Come on in, Tony.
We were just talking about you.
Oh, uh, just talking about me, sir? This is General Brill from Edwards Air Force Base.
This is Major Nelson.
Oh, how do you do, sir? So this is "The Golden Thrush.
" "The Golden Thrush.
" PETERSON: Yeah, I was telling him about you.
As a matter of fact, I just bet $100 on it.
A hundred dollars? Well, $100 is nothing You're right.
You want to make it 200? You're on.
I was telling General Brill he's in for a big surprise tonight.
Yes.
You think we oughta give him a little sample, or, uh? Shall we save our ammunition? I think we oughta save our ammunition.
Right.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Excuse me.
Yes.
Yeah.
What? What! Well, if you tell them, if they're not able to do the job properly, they're not fit to be officers representing this command! And I, personally, will see that they're transferred to duties elsewhere! Ah, Tony, my boy.
That trophy's gonna look wonderful sitting up there on the mantel in the Officers' Club.
Or else you're gonna have a very unhappy general on your hands.
[LAUGHS.]
[ALL LAUGHING.]
Yes.
Well, if you gentlemen will excuse me, please.
Off to rehearse? Uh, no, sir, to find a truck.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
[TOOTHBRUSH BUZZING.]
[HUMS.]
[SINGS IN ITALIAN.]
[SIGHS.]
I wonder why they didn't ask me to sing in that contest tonight? I wish they had.
Oh, hi, uh, have you heard from Jeannie yet? No, but I've heard from General Peterson.
Roge, we're gonna have an accident tonight.
Hey, I think you've had an accident already.
No, no.
I mean, we're gonna fake an accident.
We're gonna go up to the country club for dinner tonight, and on the way, we're gonna have a flat tire or, uh, bump a tree or Oh, I get it.
You don't have to show up at the broadcast, and nobody blames you.
Good thinking.
That's right.
There's only one thing.
What? We'll use your car.
Oh, gentlemen.
Oh, hi.
I'm glad I caught you.
Caught us? Caught us? Uh, yes.
Have you made any plans for dinner this evening? Well, yes, we're going out to the country club, sir.
Yeah, they have a lot of accidents on that road.
Oh, why don't we all have dinner together? The three of us? Yes.
Uh, no, no.
Roge.
Uh, yes.
Then we can go back to your house with you while you change, and then we'll escort you to the studio.
Oh.
We wouldn't want anything to happen to you tonight, would we, Major Nelson? BELLOWS: Shall we go? [.]
Come on.
I'd just be in the way! Now, Major Nelson, during the rehearsal, I want you to Major Nelson.
Yes Yes, sir.
Hey, look at all this, anyway.
I feel like I'm in show business.
Oh, uh, Mr.
Hennessy.
Uh, just a moment.
Uh, this is Major Nelson.
How do you do? And Major Healey.
Sir.
Uh, Mr.
Hennessy will be your accompanist.
I was getting worried.
Well, I'm sorry we're late.
We had two flat tires and almost hit a tree.
Um, I'm afraid we aren't gonna have any time to rehearse, major.
You probably don't have my music anyway.
You told me he sang opera.
Well, I can play the arias from any opera ever written.
Wagner, Verdi, Bizet.
What would you like to sing? Do you know "Melancholy Baby"? "Melancholy Baby"? [LAUGHS.]
Good old Tony, always kidding around.
Gentlemen, we only have a short amount of time.
Now, how 'bout doing "La donna è mobile" from Rigoletto? Rigoletto? Yes, and what key do you sing at? F.
HENNESSY: F.
TONY: Or a C.
F or C? G.
Uh, he has a fantastic range, Mr.
Hennessy.
I promise you, this will be an experience you'll never forget.
Well, come with me, major.
Yes.
This is going to be an experience none of us will ever forget.
What? Oh, nothing, sir.
Excuse me.
[ACCORDION PLAYING.]
Major Healey! Oh! Shh! Oh, I am so happy to see you.
Really? Gee, it's nice to know you been missed.
Well, I I have been dying to know when my birthday is.
Yeah, I bet you have.
Sorry about the delay.
Well, it does not matter now.
When is it, Major Healey? Remember I told you the month was the title of a song? [APPLAUSE OVER TV.]
You'll just love your birthday.
Uh-huh.
It's on And now, ladies and gentlemen, in just a moment, we'll switch you from Hickam Field in Hawaii to Cape Kennedy in Florida, and Major Anthony Nelson.
Oh, they're getting ready for my master.
Um, this is your music.
Yeah.
And now, watch for the red light on that camera.
And that's the stage manager.
He'll give you your cue.
Ah, oh, listen, uh, believe me, I'm not ready.
Honestly, I'm not.
Oh, now, there's nothing to be nervous about.
The microphone! Oh.
You know, this I hope I didn't break that.
There's nothing to be nervous about.
Now, look, you have an eight bar introduction here.
I will be playing on the piano.
Yeah.
And you come in right there.
Yeah.
And when you come in there, you be sure you take that camera.
Yeah.
And then Oh! That's it That's That's all right.
I have another copy.
Jeannie, you've got to do something.
Look at him.
What can I do? Well, give him back Caruso's voice.
I want to.
But I promised him that I would not.
TV ANNOUNCER: And now, to Cape Kennedy and Major Anthony Nelson.
[PLAYS VERDI'S "LA DONNA Ã MOBILE" ON PIANO.]
[WHISPERING.]
Excuse me, can I look at this? [HENNESSY STARTS PIECE OVER.]
[HENNESSY REPEATS THE SAME BAR.]
You gotta help him.
[HENNESSY STARTS PIECE OVER.]
H-how can I? I gave him my word.
Look at the poor devil.
[WHISPERING.]
Excuse me.
[HENNESSY STARTS PIECE OVER.]
Oh, I can't watch.
Poor Major Nelson.
How does he get himself into these things? Major Healey.
Yeah.
I promised him that he would not sing like Caruso again.
I know.
But I did not promise that he would not sing like anyone else! Huh? [MAGIC BOINGS.]
Now! Oh! All right.
[HENNESSY STARTS PIECE OVER.]
[HIGH FEMALE VOICE.]
La donna é mobile Qual piuma al vento Muto d'accento He's singing soprano.
E di pensiero [MAGIC BOINGS.]
[HENNESSY STARTS PIECE OVER.]
[DEEP MALE VOICE.]
La donna é mobile Qual piuma al vento Muto d'accento I don't think that's right either.
Oh? E di pensiero [MAGIC BOINGS.]
[NORMAL FEMALE VOICE.]
La donna é mobile Qual piuma al vento Muto d'accento E di pensiero [MAGIC BOINGS.]
[BETTY BOOP'S VOICE.]
E di pensiero Boop-Oop-A-Doop [.]
[ALL LAUGHING.]
ROGER: That's the Boop-Oop-A-Doop.
That's the funniest thing I ever heard in my whole life! Oh! I tell you, I almost died laughing.
Major Healey, when is my birthday? And the thing that breaks me up is you won! [CHUCKLING.]
Yeah, I know.
What did it say on the trophy? "For the most versatile voice of the century.
" And my birthday, huh? You sang notes that haven't even been invented before.
Oh, I'm sorry I couldn't bring the trophy home, but, uh, General Peterson was very adamant.
He wanted to keep it at the Officers' Club.
That's all right.
He may have it.
Major Healey, please! When is my birthday? Oh, your birthday, your birthday Hey, when is her birthday? Oh, listen.
I've got a clue.
Only this time, we're gonna play a game.
Ah! We're gonna play charades No.
No! No! Now, the first word It's a long word April first! Your birthday's April first! April first.
Oh, what a lovely birthday.
Oh, Jeannie, these are sharp.
I was only kidding.
Oh, April's my favorite month of the year! [.]
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE.]
[.]