I Dream of Jeannie (1965) s02e14 Episode Script
The World's Greatest Lover
[.]
Ah.
Oh.
Thanks.
What time will you be home, master? Oh, I'll be home early tonight, Jeannie.
We're going out on a double date with Major Healey, And then we're going to dinner.
And I have tickets for the theater.
Oh, I love the theater! Will we see a play by Aristophanes? Uh, no.
No, uh, Aristophanes is not as popular as he once was.
Oh, that is too bad.
He is such a nice man.
Yeah, yeah.
Who Who will Major Healey be taking? I don't know.
He didn't say.
Ah.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh, it's Roge.
Will you let him in? Mm-hm.
Hi.
Good morning.
Hi, Roge.
Say, uh, where would you like to go to dinner tonight? Uh, dinner? Yeah, we got a date, remember? Oh, I'm I'm sorry.
I can't make it tonight.
I Oh, why not? Well, I'm I'm up to my ears in work.
What are you talking about? We're working on the same project.
We're way ahead of schedule.
I know, but I wouldn't feel right letting it go just to go out on a date.
Uh, you go and have fun, and I'll work.
Oh, but you must eat, Major Healey.
Well, I can pick up a sandwich over at the office.
Well, what about your date? Well, my date.
Well, she, uh Uh, I cancelled it.
You know, you surprise me.
There's more to life than running around having fun all the time.
Let's go, huh? [.]
[.]
[.]
Well, it-it-it has been a long time.
[LAUGHS.]
You know, the funny thing, I was just saying to myself the other day, why don't I give old Sue a call.
[LAUGHS.]
Look, uh, if you're not doing anything tonight, I thought maybe the two of us could, uh It's Roger Healey.
[LINE GOES DEAD.]
Hello? Well She's too tall for me anyway.
Oh, boy.
Who wants to go out with a girl that's [CLEARS THROAT.]
Hi.
Marilyn? This is Roger Healey.
Heh.
Well, I, uh I-I met you at Francis Gordon's party last year.
It's, uh Uh, no, no, no.
I'm not the tall, blonde banker.
No.
No, I'm the short, cute, dark-haired astronaut.
Heh-heh.
Look, uh Look, uh, I was wondering, if you're not doing anything tonight, maybe the two of us could, uh Uh-huh.
Well, ma-ma-maybe next month, uh It's a bad month for you.
Well, maybe some other month.
[LINE GOES DEAD.]
Nice talking to you.
General Peterson asked me to give these to you, Major Healey.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, Evelyn? Yes.
Uh, Evelyn, I was just thinking, uh Yes, major? Tony and I are going on a double date tonight.
And I thought if you weren't doing anything, maybe the two of us could, uh I'm afraid my fiancé wouldn't like it.
He's very jealous.
Jealous.
Fiancé.
Heh.
I didn't know you were engaged.
That's great, though.
That's great.
Well, maybe, uh, some other time.
I've got a lot of work to do anyway.
Oh, uh, Evelyn? Thinking, uh, you, uh You don't happen to have a roommate, do you? I live with my mother.
Well, if she's not doing anything tonight, uh [CHUCKLES.]
Hi, Roge.
Oh, hi, hi.
Uh How are you? Fine.
Oh, thanks.
A little coffee for you.
Thank you.
You change your mind about tonight? Uh, tonight? Oh, tonight.
Oh.
Look, I told you, I'm not interested in dating.
I've got a lot of work to do.
Well, you haven't been out in weeks.
You're not dating anybody? Am I? Are you kidding me?! Ha-ha.
Am I dating anybody? I'm dating dozens of girls.
Listen, they don't call me "Casanova" Healey for nothing, you know.
No girl in particular, huh? Well, they're all particular.
That's why they go out with me.
You know how I am.
I play the field.
They just have to line up and wait their turn.
Okay, we'll go out with Eddie and Jean-Anne.
Yeah, nice couple.
Do that, that's really nice.
Oh, uh, Tony.
Yeah.
Uh, I, uh Uh, the-that's That's a pretty tie.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Oh.
Well.
Thank you.
Oh, Jeannie, if you're gonna be here, be here, huh? Thank you.
Jeannie, what are you doing here? I am worried about Major Healey, master.
Wh Uh, Roger? Why are you worried about him? Is he going with us tonight? Uh, no.
No, he's not.
I did not think so.
And I think I know why.
Hm? Oh, yeah, well, he told us why.
He's, uh He's gotta work tonight.
I do not think that is the real reason.
Master.
I do not believe Major Healey can get a date.
[LAUGHS.]
What? Old Casanova Healey? He can get all the dates he wants.
Oh, I do not think so.
But would that not be a lovely idea? What? If Major Healey could get all the dates he wants.
If all women found him irresistible.
Yeah.
Yeah, I suppose it would.
[LAUGHS.]
Well I shall go home now, master.
I want to get dressed so that Major Healey and his date will think that I am beautiful.
Uh, Jeannie, I told you that, uh, Roger's not going out with us tonight.
Oh, I think so.
No, I don't think so [RINGS.]
Roger Healey.
Mm-hm.
Sue who? Sue? Oh, yeah, w-w-we We were probably disconnected.
You would like to go out to dinner with me tonight? Yeah, but you said [PHONE RINGS.]
Oh, wait.
Ca-can you hold on, Sue? Yeah.
I've got someone on the other line.
Roger Healey.
Look, can you hold on, sir? Marilyn? Oh, oh, oh, is-is the date still on? Well, I-I-I thought you said you were busy.
Well, it's It's nice of you to break a date just for me.
I-I'm flattered.
Yeah.
You couldn't keep me off your mind all year? Hold on.
Don't go away.
Don't go away.
[CLICK.]
Hello, Sue? Major Healey? Hold on.
Yes? What time did you say dinner was tonight? Dinner tonight? W What about your fiancé? What about him? [STAMMERING.]
Don't go away.
Hello.
Yeah.
Yeah, Sue? Yeah, uh Yeah, something's come up.
I'm afraid I can't make it tonight.
And And And don't wait by the phone.
I-I may not be able to get back to you.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Okay.
Goodbye.
[LAUGHS.]
Bye! Yes.
Okay.
[CLICK.]
Don't go away.
Not a chance.
Uh, hello, Marilyn? Yeah.
[LAUGHS UNCOMFORTABLY.]
Marilyn, I-I-I'm afraid I'm not gonna get to you tonight.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
I-I'm awfully sorry.
And, look, maybe I can get back to you in a couple weeks, huh? Yeah.
Don't try Don't Wait Goodbye, Marilyn.
It's the strangest thing.
It's as though I've never really looked at you before.
You're the most exciting man I have ever met.
Oh.
Well Let's not tell your fiancé about this.
Ha-ha.
Sh.
Till tonight.
Well, what time shall I pick you up? Oh, don't bother.
I'll meet you at your place.
I'll be there at 7:00.
If I can wait that long.
Whoo! Ohh! I'm irresistible.
Oh! Oh.
Eh, what have you done to Roger? Every girl in town is after him.
[GIGGLES.]
I have made him irresistible.
[LAUGHS.]
What? Roger? Believe me, master.
No woman can keep from falling in love with him.
I saw it done once in a play from Aristophanes.
Oh, there was this man, and Yeah, uh, Jeannie, why did you do it to him? Oh.
Because the reason Major Healey would not come with us tonight was because he was ashamed.
He could not get a date.
Oh.
So you changed all that? Yes, master.
Are you not pleased? You're right, Jeannie, I'm not pleased.
But, why? Well, I don't know, really.
It's I do know that if you did this to him somehow, somewhere, it's got to lead to a disaster.
Oh, no, master.
Not this time.
This time you will see you were wrong.
I have made Major Healey the happiest man in the world.
And And no trouble will come from it.
Believe me.
No trouble.
Hm.
Hey, where did we get this, by the way? Hmm? Nice, nice.
If you look at the chart, you can see that after 10 minutes in the vacuum chamber, they, uh Well, the respiration rate starts to change.
[PHONE RINGS.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Excuse me, sir.
[SIGHS.]
Roger Healey.
[WHISPERS.]
Look, I told you not to call me at the office.
Look, I know it's hard to get along without me, but you'll just have to.
No, no, no.
I can't see you till next week.
Hold on.
Maybe Maybe I can fit you in here.
Uh, how about, uh, Saturday? Saturday, early.
Okay.
Saturday.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
All right.
So if there's a cancellation, I'll fit you in.
Okay? All right.
Bye, Betty.
Heh.
Sorry, it's an old friend of mine.
I understand.
I wish I did.
What? Oh, nothing, sir.
Uh, what were you saying about these two charts? Now, if we Yes? I didn't know you were busy.
Well, I'm busy.
Ha.
Will you be tied up long? Tied up long.
A bit.
Call me later.
I'll call you.
I'll call you.
Please, don't forget.
Yeah, I won't forget.
[KISS.]
Major.
When do you find time to work? Well, sir, work is really all I'm interested in.
Now, uh [PHONE RINGING.]
We'll finish this in my office this afternoon.
This afternoon.
Yes, sir.
I'll see that the phones are shut off.
Roger Healey.
Oh, hi.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, listen, a party on your father's yacht? The 19th? Oh, I'm sorry, the 19th I'm booked up.
Oh, yeah.
How about, uh How about the 27th? A party Okay.
Party at your father's yacht.
The 27th.
Got it.
Bye-bye.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Sue, Marilyn, Alice, Mary, Gina, Zeld Zelda? See, Zelda [WHISTLES.]
You don't have the same name down here twice.
Well, it wouldn't be fair to the rest of them.
You know that I'm booked every day clear through November? It's the most fantastic thing that ever happened to me.
Oh, I I can't beli You know You know something? You may not believe this, but I'm irresistible.
I've always found you irresistible.
Come on, I mean it.
I'm kind of a cross between, oh, Sean Connery, Richard Burton and Rex Harrison.
[LAUGHS.]
No, come on, now.
I've I've always known it, but it seems like, lately, every woman in the whole world has discovered it.
Yeah? Well, I-I must say, you must be having a lot of fun.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, I just I just hope I live long enough to enjoy it.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Yes? Major Healey's office.
Oh.
Just a moment, please.
It's your mother.
Come on.
Ha-ha.
Roger Healey.
I'm all booked up through Nove Hello, Mother.
Now, you see, on this graph, the test that Roger and I made show that the up curve on the respiration charts Where is Major Healey? I asked him to be here.
Oh, he ought to be along shortly, sir.
The last time I saw him, he was talking to his mother.
Yes, I've seen some of his mothers.
They're beautiful.
Yes.
Hello, dear.
Oh.
Oh, I'm sorry, darling.
Am I interrupting something? Oh, no, dear.
We're almost finished.
Just came from the dullest Ladies Aid meeting.
It is my last year as chairman, I promise you, Alfred.
Yes, dear.
Oh, I'm sorry.
This is Major Nelson.
Mrs.
Bellows.
How do you do, Major Nelson? Pleasure to meet you.
Major Nelson.
Yes, my husband talks about you night and day.
[SIGHS.]
Sorry I'm late, sir.
I got tied up.
Ah, yes.
Oh.
Oh, this is Major Healey.
Mrs.
Bellows.
ROGER: Mrs.
Bellows? I didn't know you were married, sir.
How do you do, Mrs.
Bellows.
You have a fine husband.
Major Healey? Yes.
My husband and I insist that you join us for dinner this evening.
Oh.
Beg your pardon.
I want to talk to you.
Well, I'm rather busy right now.
If you'd like to make an appointment, I'll I want to talk to you now, and you better listen good.
Look, uh, whoever you are, I'm not used Just call me Morgan, Major Healey.
Oh, I'm not Major Healey.
You're not? No.
Oh.
Well, that's my mistake.
Uh, can you tell me where, uh, I might find him? Oh, sure.
He's, uh He's right down the hall there.
Thank you.
Sorry Sorry to bother you.
Yeah.
Bowling2 to 4.
Okay.
Well, honey I'm doing the best I can.
I'm I'm only one man.
Now, you know I do Now, honey, I've said it before, I Of course I do.
Roger.
Oh, hi, Tony.
Uh, I gotta talk Now, will you Will you pull yourself together? Well, what happened to the last autographed picture I gave you? Roger, this is urgent.
I gotta talk to you.
You don't know what urgent is.
I-I've got Zelda on the phone.
Look.
Look, if I have a cancellation on the 7th, uh, I'll call you, okay? Would you h Would you just hang up? Look, I've gotta hang up, dear.
Yeah.
Someone has to handle things around here.
Goodbye.
Uh, what is it? Say hello to Morgan.
Hello, Morgan.
You Roger Healey? Ask anyone.
Just dropped by to congratulate you.
Oh, congratulate me? What for? On your wedding, Sunday.
I'm not getting married Sunday.
Yes, you are.
Ah-hah.
The boys and me are picking you up at your apartment at 10:00 sharp.
Be ready.
I hate to be nosy, but, uh, wh-who is it I'm marrying? I ought to give it to you for that.
Well, if I offended you, heh Forget I asked.
Evelyn and me was gonna be married.
Evelyn? But she's crazy about you.
What Evelyn wants, she gets.
Sunday, 10:00.
And if you're not there, you better be up in space, because that's the only place you're gonna be safe.
You astronauts.
[PATS BACK.]
You're doing a great job.
You think he meant it? Yeah, I think we're doing a great job.
Oh, boy.
I better find out if there's a space shot Sunday.
Listen, are you really in love with this girl, Evelyn? Whatever her name is? Of course I'm in love with Evelyn.
I'm in love with all of them: Agnes, Ann, Georgia You can't be in love with all of them.
I don't know what it is.
It's like turning a hungry kid loose in a candy store.
Look, I can't get married.
There'll be a mass wave of suicides.
Oh, uh, excuse me.
Yes, sir.
I wonder if I could speak to you a moment, Major Healey.
Oh, certainly, sir.
I don't, uh, quite know how to begin, major but, um Well, if it's about, um, Miss Mrs.
Bellows, sir, why, I Yes, it's about Mrs.
Bellows.
Well, I can assure you, sir, there's Oh, I'm not trying to pin the blame on anyone, major.
As a psychiatrist, I realize how complex these things can be.
Well, sir, it's not just Mrs.
Bellows.
It seems that all the girls But, uh, because of my wife's infatuation, I find it, uh awkward for both of us to be here on the same base.
I agree with you, sir.
It's I think it best if one of us leaves.
Well, I'll miss you, sir.
I'm sorry So, uh, I'm having you transferred to the Aleutians.
The Aleutians? Sir, I've been to the Aleutians.
I wouldn't send my worst enemy to the Aleutians.
I would.
You can plan on leaving in the morning.
I can't go to the Aleutians! I'm getting married Sunday.
[GIGGLES.]
Jeannie? Jeannie, I'd like to talk to you.
Oh.
Hello, master.
You're home early.
Yes, yes.
I have some news for you.
Oh.
Do you remember me telling you that, uh, somehow, somewhere, what you did to Roger would lead to a disaster? Yes.
And you were wrong, were you not, master? No, I were not.
The "somehow" is the mafia, and the "somewhere" is the Aleutians.
I do not understand.
Oh.
Well, you see, uh, Roger, on Sunday, is going to have to marry this gangster's girlfriend.
Only he's not gonna be able to be there, because Dr.
Bellows is sending him to the Aleutian Islands.
Well, that is terrible.
Mm-hm.
How does Major Healey get himself into these things? Jeannie, you've gotta help him.
I know.
I will fix it so that all women hate him.
Then there will be no reason for him to get married or be sent to the Aleutians.
No, you can't do that.
Mm-hm.
No, you Don't, really! Why not? Well, you can't destroy a man's ego.
Couldn't you just make it possible for him to be a little less lovable? Oh.
Well, I I I do not know, master.
It may be too late.
Huh? Excuse me.
Now, where are you? Going.
Yeah Oh.
Jeannie? [SIGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
Goodbye, Zelda.
Goodbye, Nancy.
Goodbye, girls.
[SIGHS.]
Goodbye, office.
Roger.
Oh, Roger, I just heard.
Oh, take it easy, Mrs.
Bellows.
We're on government property.
Can't bear the thought of your being sent away.
I'll go to the Aleutians with you.
You wouldn't like it.
There's igloos and polar bears.
I love igloos and polar bears.
Oh! Oh, Mrs.
Bellows.
You're You're just gonna have to be brave.
Just gotta hold on.
Oh.
So here you are.
Yes, I was just telling Mrs.
Bellows that she and the other girls are gonna have to do without me.
And, uh, what do you say? What do I say? I say we've been getting along just fine without him all these years.
I think we can continue to do so.
You mean you don't mind if Major Healey leaves? Mind? Darling, why should I mind? Couldn't care less whether he stays or goes.
What about the igloos and the polar bears? Oh, dear.
Maybe you should keep him here.
Keep him under observation.
Well, under the circumstances, major, I don't see there's any point in your going to the Aleutians.
We'll consider that order cancelled.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh! Thank you, sir.
Oh, thank you.
I get chilblain.
Shall we go, dear? Yes.
Goodbye, major.
Bye.
Oh, doctor? Oh, um Yes? Uh, don't count on me for dinner tonight.
[LAUGHING.]
Oh! [CLAPS.]
Hello, girls.
Hello, girls.
Hello.
Ah! Nancy, Nancy, Nancy.
And Zelda.
Oh! EVELYN: Oh, darling.
Oh.
I heard you were leaving! Oh, listen.
Don't panic, dear.
Don't panic.
I'm not leaving! I'm staying.
About that marriage Sunday [GROANS.]
Married? Oh.
Me marry you? Ha.
You're joking.
Uh I-I told you I was engaged.
You better pull yourself together, major.
Hi.
Roger Healey here.
Hi, Mary.
Uh, you remember Remember we had a date, uh, this coming June? I had a few cancellations, and I thought that you'd like [MARY HANGS UP.]
Hello.
[JIGGLES CRADLE.]
[LAUGHS.]
Jeannie, you did the one single thing I asked you not to do.
But the problem is solved.
No, it's not.
It's not solved at all.
It's worse than ever.
Do you know what it means not to be loved? Well, yes.
But I fixed it Poor Roger must be shattered.
Oh, no, master.
Major Healey feels very loved.
How could he? There's not a girl in the world who would speak to him.
Well, I [FRANTIC KNOCKING AT DOOR.]
ROGER: Tony! Tony, open up! What's the matter? What's the matter? Oh.
Oh, Tony, help me.
Huh? Why? What's the matter? They're after me! TONY: Jeannie, I thought you said you fixed that! Oh, I did.
I did, master.
Oh, don't open it up! [DOGS BARKING.]
[MOUTHS.]
Okay, okay.
All right.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Oh.
Oh.
Okay.
[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY.]
[.]
Ah.
Oh.
Thanks.
What time will you be home, master? Oh, I'll be home early tonight, Jeannie.
We're going out on a double date with Major Healey, And then we're going to dinner.
And I have tickets for the theater.
Oh, I love the theater! Will we see a play by Aristophanes? Uh, no.
No, uh, Aristophanes is not as popular as he once was.
Oh, that is too bad.
He is such a nice man.
Yeah, yeah.
Who Who will Major Healey be taking? I don't know.
He didn't say.
Ah.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh, it's Roge.
Will you let him in? Mm-hm.
Hi.
Good morning.
Hi, Roge.
Say, uh, where would you like to go to dinner tonight? Uh, dinner? Yeah, we got a date, remember? Oh, I'm I'm sorry.
I can't make it tonight.
I Oh, why not? Well, I'm I'm up to my ears in work.
What are you talking about? We're working on the same project.
We're way ahead of schedule.
I know, but I wouldn't feel right letting it go just to go out on a date.
Uh, you go and have fun, and I'll work.
Oh, but you must eat, Major Healey.
Well, I can pick up a sandwich over at the office.
Well, what about your date? Well, my date.
Well, she, uh Uh, I cancelled it.
You know, you surprise me.
There's more to life than running around having fun all the time.
Let's go, huh? [.]
[.]
[.]
Well, it-it-it has been a long time.
[LAUGHS.]
You know, the funny thing, I was just saying to myself the other day, why don't I give old Sue a call.
[LAUGHS.]
Look, uh, if you're not doing anything tonight, I thought maybe the two of us could, uh It's Roger Healey.
[LINE GOES DEAD.]
Hello? Well She's too tall for me anyway.
Oh, boy.
Who wants to go out with a girl that's [CLEARS THROAT.]
Hi.
Marilyn? This is Roger Healey.
Heh.
Well, I, uh I-I met you at Francis Gordon's party last year.
It's, uh Uh, no, no, no.
I'm not the tall, blonde banker.
No.
No, I'm the short, cute, dark-haired astronaut.
Heh-heh.
Look, uh Look, uh, I was wondering, if you're not doing anything tonight, maybe the two of us could, uh Uh-huh.
Well, ma-ma-maybe next month, uh It's a bad month for you.
Well, maybe some other month.
[LINE GOES DEAD.]
Nice talking to you.
General Peterson asked me to give these to you, Major Healey.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, Evelyn? Yes.
Uh, Evelyn, I was just thinking, uh Yes, major? Tony and I are going on a double date tonight.
And I thought if you weren't doing anything, maybe the two of us could, uh I'm afraid my fiancé wouldn't like it.
He's very jealous.
Jealous.
Fiancé.
Heh.
I didn't know you were engaged.
That's great, though.
That's great.
Well, maybe, uh, some other time.
I've got a lot of work to do anyway.
Oh, uh, Evelyn? Thinking, uh, you, uh You don't happen to have a roommate, do you? I live with my mother.
Well, if she's not doing anything tonight, uh [CHUCKLES.]
Hi, Roge.
Oh, hi, hi.
Uh How are you? Fine.
Oh, thanks.
A little coffee for you.
Thank you.
You change your mind about tonight? Uh, tonight? Oh, tonight.
Oh.
Look, I told you, I'm not interested in dating.
I've got a lot of work to do.
Well, you haven't been out in weeks.
You're not dating anybody? Am I? Are you kidding me?! Ha-ha.
Am I dating anybody? I'm dating dozens of girls.
Listen, they don't call me "Casanova" Healey for nothing, you know.
No girl in particular, huh? Well, they're all particular.
That's why they go out with me.
You know how I am.
I play the field.
They just have to line up and wait their turn.
Okay, we'll go out with Eddie and Jean-Anne.
Yeah, nice couple.
Do that, that's really nice.
Oh, uh, Tony.
Yeah.
Uh, I, uh Uh, the-that's That's a pretty tie.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Oh.
Well.
Thank you.
Oh, Jeannie, if you're gonna be here, be here, huh? Thank you.
Jeannie, what are you doing here? I am worried about Major Healey, master.
Wh Uh, Roger? Why are you worried about him? Is he going with us tonight? Uh, no.
No, he's not.
I did not think so.
And I think I know why.
Hm? Oh, yeah, well, he told us why.
He's, uh He's gotta work tonight.
I do not think that is the real reason.
Master.
I do not believe Major Healey can get a date.
[LAUGHS.]
What? Old Casanova Healey? He can get all the dates he wants.
Oh, I do not think so.
But would that not be a lovely idea? What? If Major Healey could get all the dates he wants.
If all women found him irresistible.
Yeah.
Yeah, I suppose it would.
[LAUGHS.]
Well I shall go home now, master.
I want to get dressed so that Major Healey and his date will think that I am beautiful.
Uh, Jeannie, I told you that, uh, Roger's not going out with us tonight.
Oh, I think so.
No, I don't think so [RINGS.]
Roger Healey.
Mm-hm.
Sue who? Sue? Oh, yeah, w-w-we We were probably disconnected.
You would like to go out to dinner with me tonight? Yeah, but you said [PHONE RINGS.]
Oh, wait.
Ca-can you hold on, Sue? Yeah.
I've got someone on the other line.
Roger Healey.
Look, can you hold on, sir? Marilyn? Oh, oh, oh, is-is the date still on? Well, I-I-I thought you said you were busy.
Well, it's It's nice of you to break a date just for me.
I-I'm flattered.
Yeah.
You couldn't keep me off your mind all year? Hold on.
Don't go away.
Don't go away.
[CLICK.]
Hello, Sue? Major Healey? Hold on.
Yes? What time did you say dinner was tonight? Dinner tonight? W What about your fiancé? What about him? [STAMMERING.]
Don't go away.
Hello.
Yeah.
Yeah, Sue? Yeah, uh Yeah, something's come up.
I'm afraid I can't make it tonight.
And And And don't wait by the phone.
I-I may not be able to get back to you.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Okay.
Goodbye.
[LAUGHS.]
Bye! Yes.
Okay.
[CLICK.]
Don't go away.
Not a chance.
Uh, hello, Marilyn? Yeah.
[LAUGHS UNCOMFORTABLY.]
Marilyn, I-I-I'm afraid I'm not gonna get to you tonight.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
I-I'm awfully sorry.
And, look, maybe I can get back to you in a couple weeks, huh? Yeah.
Don't try Don't Wait Goodbye, Marilyn.
It's the strangest thing.
It's as though I've never really looked at you before.
You're the most exciting man I have ever met.
Oh.
Well Let's not tell your fiancé about this.
Ha-ha.
Sh.
Till tonight.
Well, what time shall I pick you up? Oh, don't bother.
I'll meet you at your place.
I'll be there at 7:00.
If I can wait that long.
Whoo! Ohh! I'm irresistible.
Oh! Oh.
Eh, what have you done to Roger? Every girl in town is after him.
[GIGGLES.]
I have made him irresistible.
[LAUGHS.]
What? Roger? Believe me, master.
No woman can keep from falling in love with him.
I saw it done once in a play from Aristophanes.
Oh, there was this man, and Yeah, uh, Jeannie, why did you do it to him? Oh.
Because the reason Major Healey would not come with us tonight was because he was ashamed.
He could not get a date.
Oh.
So you changed all that? Yes, master.
Are you not pleased? You're right, Jeannie, I'm not pleased.
But, why? Well, I don't know, really.
It's I do know that if you did this to him somehow, somewhere, it's got to lead to a disaster.
Oh, no, master.
Not this time.
This time you will see you were wrong.
I have made Major Healey the happiest man in the world.
And And no trouble will come from it.
Believe me.
No trouble.
Hm.
Hey, where did we get this, by the way? Hmm? Nice, nice.
If you look at the chart, you can see that after 10 minutes in the vacuum chamber, they, uh Well, the respiration rate starts to change.
[PHONE RINGS.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Excuse me, sir.
[SIGHS.]
Roger Healey.
[WHISPERS.]
Look, I told you not to call me at the office.
Look, I know it's hard to get along without me, but you'll just have to.
No, no, no.
I can't see you till next week.
Hold on.
Maybe Maybe I can fit you in here.
Uh, how about, uh, Saturday? Saturday, early.
Okay.
Saturday.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
All right.
So if there's a cancellation, I'll fit you in.
Okay? All right.
Bye, Betty.
Heh.
Sorry, it's an old friend of mine.
I understand.
I wish I did.
What? Oh, nothing, sir.
Uh, what were you saying about these two charts? Now, if we Yes? I didn't know you were busy.
Well, I'm busy.
Ha.
Will you be tied up long? Tied up long.
A bit.
Call me later.
I'll call you.
I'll call you.
Please, don't forget.
Yeah, I won't forget.
[KISS.]
Major.
When do you find time to work? Well, sir, work is really all I'm interested in.
Now, uh [PHONE RINGING.]
We'll finish this in my office this afternoon.
This afternoon.
Yes, sir.
I'll see that the phones are shut off.
Roger Healey.
Oh, hi.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, listen, a party on your father's yacht? The 19th? Oh, I'm sorry, the 19th I'm booked up.
Oh, yeah.
How about, uh How about the 27th? A party Okay.
Party at your father's yacht.
The 27th.
Got it.
Bye-bye.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Sue, Marilyn, Alice, Mary, Gina, Zeld Zelda? See, Zelda [WHISTLES.]
You don't have the same name down here twice.
Well, it wouldn't be fair to the rest of them.
You know that I'm booked every day clear through November? It's the most fantastic thing that ever happened to me.
Oh, I I can't beli You know You know something? You may not believe this, but I'm irresistible.
I've always found you irresistible.
Come on, I mean it.
I'm kind of a cross between, oh, Sean Connery, Richard Burton and Rex Harrison.
[LAUGHS.]
No, come on, now.
I've I've always known it, but it seems like, lately, every woman in the whole world has discovered it.
Yeah? Well, I-I must say, you must be having a lot of fun.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, I just I just hope I live long enough to enjoy it.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Yes? Major Healey's office.
Oh.
Just a moment, please.
It's your mother.
Come on.
Ha-ha.
Roger Healey.
I'm all booked up through Nove Hello, Mother.
Now, you see, on this graph, the test that Roger and I made show that the up curve on the respiration charts Where is Major Healey? I asked him to be here.
Oh, he ought to be along shortly, sir.
The last time I saw him, he was talking to his mother.
Yes, I've seen some of his mothers.
They're beautiful.
Yes.
Hello, dear.
Oh.
Oh, I'm sorry, darling.
Am I interrupting something? Oh, no, dear.
We're almost finished.
Just came from the dullest Ladies Aid meeting.
It is my last year as chairman, I promise you, Alfred.
Yes, dear.
Oh, I'm sorry.
This is Major Nelson.
Mrs.
Bellows.
How do you do, Major Nelson? Pleasure to meet you.
Major Nelson.
Yes, my husband talks about you night and day.
[SIGHS.]
Sorry I'm late, sir.
I got tied up.
Ah, yes.
Oh.
Oh, this is Major Healey.
Mrs.
Bellows.
ROGER: Mrs.
Bellows? I didn't know you were married, sir.
How do you do, Mrs.
Bellows.
You have a fine husband.
Major Healey? Yes.
My husband and I insist that you join us for dinner this evening.
Oh.
Beg your pardon.
I want to talk to you.
Well, I'm rather busy right now.
If you'd like to make an appointment, I'll I want to talk to you now, and you better listen good.
Look, uh, whoever you are, I'm not used Just call me Morgan, Major Healey.
Oh, I'm not Major Healey.
You're not? No.
Oh.
Well, that's my mistake.
Uh, can you tell me where, uh, I might find him? Oh, sure.
He's, uh He's right down the hall there.
Thank you.
Sorry Sorry to bother you.
Yeah.
Bowling2 to 4.
Okay.
Well, honey I'm doing the best I can.
I'm I'm only one man.
Now, you know I do Now, honey, I've said it before, I Of course I do.
Roger.
Oh, hi, Tony.
Uh, I gotta talk Now, will you Will you pull yourself together? Well, what happened to the last autographed picture I gave you? Roger, this is urgent.
I gotta talk to you.
You don't know what urgent is.
I-I've got Zelda on the phone.
Look.
Look, if I have a cancellation on the 7th, uh, I'll call you, okay? Would you h Would you just hang up? Look, I've gotta hang up, dear.
Yeah.
Someone has to handle things around here.
Goodbye.
Uh, what is it? Say hello to Morgan.
Hello, Morgan.
You Roger Healey? Ask anyone.
Just dropped by to congratulate you.
Oh, congratulate me? What for? On your wedding, Sunday.
I'm not getting married Sunday.
Yes, you are.
Ah-hah.
The boys and me are picking you up at your apartment at 10:00 sharp.
Be ready.
I hate to be nosy, but, uh, wh-who is it I'm marrying? I ought to give it to you for that.
Well, if I offended you, heh Forget I asked.
Evelyn and me was gonna be married.
Evelyn? But she's crazy about you.
What Evelyn wants, she gets.
Sunday, 10:00.
And if you're not there, you better be up in space, because that's the only place you're gonna be safe.
You astronauts.
[PATS BACK.]
You're doing a great job.
You think he meant it? Yeah, I think we're doing a great job.
Oh, boy.
I better find out if there's a space shot Sunday.
Listen, are you really in love with this girl, Evelyn? Whatever her name is? Of course I'm in love with Evelyn.
I'm in love with all of them: Agnes, Ann, Georgia You can't be in love with all of them.
I don't know what it is.
It's like turning a hungry kid loose in a candy store.
Look, I can't get married.
There'll be a mass wave of suicides.
Oh, uh, excuse me.
Yes, sir.
I wonder if I could speak to you a moment, Major Healey.
Oh, certainly, sir.
I don't, uh, quite know how to begin, major but, um Well, if it's about, um, Miss Mrs.
Bellows, sir, why, I Yes, it's about Mrs.
Bellows.
Well, I can assure you, sir, there's Oh, I'm not trying to pin the blame on anyone, major.
As a psychiatrist, I realize how complex these things can be.
Well, sir, it's not just Mrs.
Bellows.
It seems that all the girls But, uh, because of my wife's infatuation, I find it, uh awkward for both of us to be here on the same base.
I agree with you, sir.
It's I think it best if one of us leaves.
Well, I'll miss you, sir.
I'm sorry So, uh, I'm having you transferred to the Aleutians.
The Aleutians? Sir, I've been to the Aleutians.
I wouldn't send my worst enemy to the Aleutians.
I would.
You can plan on leaving in the morning.
I can't go to the Aleutians! I'm getting married Sunday.
[GIGGLES.]
Jeannie? Jeannie, I'd like to talk to you.
Oh.
Hello, master.
You're home early.
Yes, yes.
I have some news for you.
Oh.
Do you remember me telling you that, uh, somehow, somewhere, what you did to Roger would lead to a disaster? Yes.
And you were wrong, were you not, master? No, I were not.
The "somehow" is the mafia, and the "somewhere" is the Aleutians.
I do not understand.
Oh.
Well, you see, uh, Roger, on Sunday, is going to have to marry this gangster's girlfriend.
Only he's not gonna be able to be there, because Dr.
Bellows is sending him to the Aleutian Islands.
Well, that is terrible.
Mm-hm.
How does Major Healey get himself into these things? Jeannie, you've gotta help him.
I know.
I will fix it so that all women hate him.
Then there will be no reason for him to get married or be sent to the Aleutians.
No, you can't do that.
Mm-hm.
No, you Don't, really! Why not? Well, you can't destroy a man's ego.
Couldn't you just make it possible for him to be a little less lovable? Oh.
Well, I I I do not know, master.
It may be too late.
Huh? Excuse me.
Now, where are you? Going.
Yeah Oh.
Jeannie? [SIGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
Goodbye, Zelda.
Goodbye, Nancy.
Goodbye, girls.
[SIGHS.]
Goodbye, office.
Roger.
Oh, Roger, I just heard.
Oh, take it easy, Mrs.
Bellows.
We're on government property.
Can't bear the thought of your being sent away.
I'll go to the Aleutians with you.
You wouldn't like it.
There's igloos and polar bears.
I love igloos and polar bears.
Oh! Oh, Mrs.
Bellows.
You're You're just gonna have to be brave.
Just gotta hold on.
Oh.
So here you are.
Yes, I was just telling Mrs.
Bellows that she and the other girls are gonna have to do without me.
And, uh, what do you say? What do I say? I say we've been getting along just fine without him all these years.
I think we can continue to do so.
You mean you don't mind if Major Healey leaves? Mind? Darling, why should I mind? Couldn't care less whether he stays or goes.
What about the igloos and the polar bears? Oh, dear.
Maybe you should keep him here.
Keep him under observation.
Well, under the circumstances, major, I don't see there's any point in your going to the Aleutians.
We'll consider that order cancelled.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh! Thank you, sir.
Oh, thank you.
I get chilblain.
Shall we go, dear? Yes.
Goodbye, major.
Bye.
Oh, doctor? Oh, um Yes? Uh, don't count on me for dinner tonight.
[LAUGHING.]
Oh! [CLAPS.]
Hello, girls.
Hello, girls.
Hello.
Ah! Nancy, Nancy, Nancy.
And Zelda.
Oh! EVELYN: Oh, darling.
Oh.
I heard you were leaving! Oh, listen.
Don't panic, dear.
Don't panic.
I'm not leaving! I'm staying.
About that marriage Sunday [GROANS.]
Married? Oh.
Me marry you? Ha.
You're joking.
Uh I-I told you I was engaged.
You better pull yourself together, major.
Hi.
Roger Healey here.
Hi, Mary.
Uh, you remember Remember we had a date, uh, this coming June? I had a few cancellations, and I thought that you'd like [MARY HANGS UP.]
Hello.
[JIGGLES CRADLE.]
[LAUGHS.]
Jeannie, you did the one single thing I asked you not to do.
But the problem is solved.
No, it's not.
It's not solved at all.
It's worse than ever.
Do you know what it means not to be loved? Well, yes.
But I fixed it Poor Roger must be shattered.
Oh, no, master.
Major Healey feels very loved.
How could he? There's not a girl in the world who would speak to him.
Well, I [FRANTIC KNOCKING AT DOOR.]
ROGER: Tony! Tony, open up! What's the matter? What's the matter? Oh.
Oh, Tony, help me.
Huh? Why? What's the matter? They're after me! TONY: Jeannie, I thought you said you fixed that! Oh, I did.
I did, master.
Oh, don't open it up! [DOGS BARKING.]
[MOUTHS.]
Okay, okay.
All right.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Oh.
Oh.
Okay.
[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY.]
[.]