I Dream of Jeannie (1965) s02e15 Episode Script
Jeannie Breaks the Bank
[.]
Jeannie? Uh, Jeannie? Good morning, master.
Good morning, Jeannie.
Oh I cannot imagine why I'm so sleepy.
I can.
You exhausted yourself making that dinner last night.
Ah, did you enjoy it? It was one of the best meals I ever had in my life.
What was it? We had caviar and champagne, Mm-hm.
Uh, duck a I'orange Mm-hm.
Pomme soufflé.
Pomme soufflé, that's right, and, uh, for desert, uh Crepes Suzette.
Crepes Suzette, oh, they were wonderful.
You know, it'd take me a month's salary to pay for a meal like that.
Ah Jeannie, before you came, my food bills used to be ridiculous.
Now, take the market bill I got this morning for example.
In the old days, it would have been Oh, I don't know, around 100 dollars, and now it's only $1047 and 63 One thousand dollars? Oh, yes, master.
That is for the banquets you have been having all week.
But I-I thought you just, you know Well, sometimes.
But usually I just shop at the corner grocer where you have your charge account.
Well, there is a little Persian market I know of, but the meat there is very tough.
Why didn't you tell me this before? About the Persian market? Well, I didn't think you No, no, no, no, no.
I don't think you realize what you've done, Jeannie.
You see, Roger was gonna come over and pick me up, and we were gonna go down and buy a sailboat that we'd had our eyes on, but Well, now, I just can't afford it.
Well how much is the sailboat, master? Well, it's 1000 dollars more than I've got.
Ha-ha-ha! [WIND GUSTING.]
Hey! Oh! Anchors away! [LAUGHS.]
Do you like it, master? [.]
[.]
[.]
ROGER: Oh, boy! Fine friend you are.
You went out and bought the boat without me.
Why didn't you wait for me? Huh? What'd you say? Jeannie, would you turn the wind off? [WIND STOPS.]
Thank you.
What'd you say, Roger? I said, "You went out and bought the boat without me.
Why didn't you wait for me?" Well, I didn't wait for you because this is not my boat.
You just brought this over on approval? Yeah, well Would you get rid of it? Oh, get rid of it? G-get rid It's beautiful.
Would you like another color? I'd like another boat.
What's the matter with this one? Nothing, Roger, except it's not mine.
Ours.
Uh, Jeannie, you see, I I don't want anybody to give me a boat.
The fun of having something like this is Is working for it.
And saving for it.
And then buying it.
I know exactly what you mean, and that's a wonderful spirit.
Uh, I'll tell you what, Jeannie.
I'll I'll take the boat, but I'd like a few changes.
I thought we could have a swimming pool Would you get rid of it.
No, no [LAUGHS.]
Oh, well.
I get seasick anyway.
Shall we go down and pick out our boat? I can't.
You can't? Wait a minute.
You said we were gonna go partners.
Sixteen hundred dollars a piece on a boat.
Yeah, I I know, Roger.
[CHUCKLING.]
I don't have the money.
Well, what did you do with it? I ate it.
Sometimes I think Bellows is right about you.
There you are, master.
What is it? Oh, well, Jeannie.
No, no, no.
I don't think you understood what I was trying to say.
You see, I like to work for what I get.
Well, I'll just take that and be running along.
Well, easy come, easy go.
Oh, I just remembered! I invited a lot of people to go sailing this weekend.
Well, I'm sorry, Roge, there's just nothing I Well, what's the matter with me? I can borrow the money.
Where would you borrow the money, master? At a bank.
That's what they're for.
Oh, no.
No, master, I cannot let you do that.
Why not? Because! If you do not repay the loan, they will cut off your ears.
Who told you that? Earless Abdul.
Earless Abdul? He did not become earless until he failed to repay a loan at the First National Bank of Pompeii.
Nothing's gonna happen.
Hm, that is what Earless said before he became earless.
Look, I'm going to the bank, I'm gonna get the loan, Roger and I will buy the sailboat, and then I'll pay the bank back in monthly installments.
I still do not like it.
Jeannie Look, I-I thought, before I leave, could I just see the boat once more? Certainly.
Oh, well.
It's not my color anyway.
You, uh? You coming? No, I'll meet you at the base.
I'm gonna stop off at the bank on the way down.
Master? May I go to the bank with you? I have never seen a Cocoa Beach Bank.
Well, sure.
Sure, you can.
Well, look, I guess I better be running along.
I'll, uh I'll see you two later.
Look, do me a favor, will you? Dr.
Bellows.
Oh, forgive me for barging in, major, I That's a boat in your living room.
[STAMMERING.]
Yes.
Yes, that's exactly what it is, sir, a boat.
Uh, last week, there was a apple tree there.
Well, you know the old saying, "An apple a day keeps the doctor" Now, it's a boat.
Yeah.
I don't believe we've met.
Oh This is Pedro.
[SWEDISH ACCENT.]
I been happy to meet you, Dr.
Bellows.
Pedro? Pedro Sven.
I didn't know you had a boat, major.
Yeah, well, it's not mine.
He's just showing it to me.
Yah.
It's just the right thing to the ocean.
I suppose you have some explanation for this boat being in your living room.
Yeah, well, it was too big for the bedroom.
It's going to be another one of those weeks, isn't it, major? Sir? Well, I was hoping that this week, you'd Oh, never mind.
One of these days, Major Nelson.
One of these days.
[.]
"Too big for the bedroom.
" Sven, would you get the boat out now? If you want me to, master.
Yah, I want you to.
I am ready for the Cocoa Beach Bank, master.
But is the Cocoa Beach Bank ready for you? Yes, sir, can I help you? I'd like to speak to somebody about taking out a loan.
Yes, Mr.
Wilfred will take care of you.
If you'll just sit down a moment.
Thanks.
We'll be very happy to help you, madam.
Our greatest joy in life is seeing that wonderful look on people's faces when we give them loans.
Oh, thank you.
You see? There's nothing to it.
Hm! What is the purpose of this loan? Well, you see, my husband died and left me without a penny.
A penniless widow.
Excuse me, but that's That's heartbreaking.
If I could borrow 70 dollars, I could buy a secondhand sewing machine and take in sewing.
That is the spirit that built this great country.
Here you are, madam.
Just make a list of your cash securities and real estate holdings.
But I haven't any.
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE.]
WIDOW: That's right.
But I'll work my fingers to the bone to pay you back.
I have three young children to support.
Three young children.
Yes.
You see, what'd I tell ya? I do not like him.
I'm sorry, madam, but I'm afraid you've mistaken us for the charitable institution.
We do not make loans without first-class security.
You mean you won't help me? Now, I didn't say that, madam.
Of course we'll help you.
You see? You come back here some other time when you have some property or blue chip securities.
I will be glad to arrange a loan.
He is exactly like the man who took care of Earless Abdul.
WILFRED: Next! [.]
Well, what can I do for you this lovely day, general? Uh, major.
Major.
I-I want to discuss taking out a loan.
That's what I'm here for.
You know my motto? "Money can buy you happiness.
" And I am here to make you happy.
What's this loan for? I want to buy a boat.
Ah, the briny deep, the seven seas, Moby Dick and all that sort of thing.
How much is this boat? It's $3200, but I'm buying it with a friend of mine, so it'll only be $1600 a piece.
WILFRED: Is that all? Think of all the hours of pleasure you can have for $1600.
Well, I have thought about it, and that's the reason I wanna discuss taking out a loan.
I'm $1000 short.
A thousand dollars? Yes.
Tell me, lieutenant Major.
Major? Yeah.
How much real estate do you own? None.
I have a house, but it's got a mortgage on it.
But you do have securities.
No.
No wonder you want a boat.
You want to escape from poverty.
Well, I do have a bank account here.
Well, why didn't you say so? You're one of the family.
You know, I hate making loans to strangers, but I do love making loans to one of our big depositors.
Oh, I'm not a big depositor, I How much do you have in your accounts? It's just one account.
A Christmas fund account.
Christmas fund account? Yes.
Oh, I think I have about $600 in it.
Six hundred dollars? And you want to borrow a thousand? Let us go.
Jeannie, there's not gonna be any trouble with the loan.
But I can give you everything you need.
She's a very close friend.
Oh, don't apologize.
You'd be surprised how much of that goes on at Cocoa Beach.
Mr.
Wilfred, I, um I do have a steady job.
So I see.
Your name? Anthony Nelson.
Not the astronaut? Yes, that's right.
Well, I don't know.
We've never made a loan to an astronaut before.
It would be very interesting trying to get our money back if you went up there and Excuse me a moment.
I think I'll check on your account.
I do not like that man, master.
He reminds me of the one who took care of Earless.
Don't worry, Jeannie.
All he can do is say no, and I'll just have to get along without the boat for a while.
I will be right back, master.
I am going to look around the bank a little.
Jeannie? Mm? Don't get into any trouble.
Of course not, master.
[.]
Well, Wilfred.
And how's it going? Splendidly, Mr.
Melnick.
I'm on my seventh turndown this morning.
This one's an astronaut.
He wants to borrow $1000.
And all he has in his Christmas fund account is $3,000,614.
Three million, six hundred and fourteen dollars? MELNICK: And you're going to turn him down for a loan? Certainly not, Mr.
Melnick.
Give him anything he wants.
Yes, Mr.
Melnick! Yes, Mr.
Melnick! We mustn't let a man like that borrow only $1000, must we, Mr.
Melnick? Excuse me, sir.
Sorry to have kept you waiting, general.
Major.
Oh, you'll be a general.
I have a feeling in my bones.
Well, thank you.
Now, about the loan, if it's not too much trouble Trouble? Why, it's an honor to do business with you, sir.
Suppose we just fill out this form for $100,000, payable at your convenience.
A hundred thousand No, no, no, I don't need $100,000 dollars, I just need $1000.
Take the hundred thousand, master.
"Master.
" You don't see that kind of respect anymore, do you? Really, $100,000 is too much.
I just need 1000.
Well, suppose you decide to buy a larger boat, or take on a few accessories.
A seaplane on board, perhaps? No, no, really.
This is just a little sailboat.
Well, it could be a little bigger one, couldn't it, major general? Let's make this out for $150,000.
Take it, master.
Let us go.
Well, what would I use for security? Your face.
[GASPS.]
I knew it.
He wants your face.
That is worse than what happened to Earless.
Please, let us give you $200,000.
But I-I don't need $200,000.
Sir, if you're so anxious to loan money, why don't you loan money to the poor widow that was just in here? Is that what you want? Well, it'd be very nice.
How much shall we give her? I don't know.
A thousand dollars? WILFRED: A nice round figure.
She'll have the money this afternoon.
Now, just sign here, and we'll have the money sent over to you by special messenger.
Well, that's certainly very nice of you.
If we can ever be of any help to you, general, day or night, you just don't hesitate to call on us.
Let us go, master.
Thank you very much.
I-It was most pleasant.
I told ya I told ya it would be easy.
Sir, the second window.
Oh, Mr.
Wilfred? Yes, Mr.
Melnick? How much did Major Nelson borrow? Well, I'm sorry, Mr.
Melnick, but he only borrowed $1000.
I tried to get him to take $200,000, but he wouldn't accept it.
I can't understand it.
A man with $3,000,000 in his Christmas fund wanting to borrow $1000.
[.]
Uh, excuse me, gentlemen.
Good morning, Dr.
Bellows.
Mr.
Wilfred.
Good morning.
Doctor.
Did you say that Major Anthony Nelson has $3,000,000 in his Christmas fund account? Yes, indeed.
And he borrowed some money? Well, just $1000.
Perhaps you could talk to him and persuade him to borrow more.
I'll talk to him, all right.
Thank you, Dr.
Bellows.
It's going to be my pleasure.
Excuse me.
I got the loan without losing my ears, didn't I? Hm.
Yes, master.
And I got the loan without your help.
Y-yes, master.
You know, I've been thinking of buying a new car.
Uh, maybe I'll negotiate another little loan.
I do not think I would do that if I were you, master.
Mm Hm? I know how to handle these people much better than you do, really.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
I think that's Roger.
Oh Oh, Jeannie, I wish you wouldn't do that.
Oh, I'm sorry, Major Healey.
Jeannie, next time you let him walk up the flight of stairs.
What happened at the bank? Get your loan? Oh, there's nothing to it.
They couldn't do enough for me.
Really? I've been trying to borrow money there for two years.
Well, next time you go in, just mention, uh, that you're a friend of mine.
ROGER: That's funny.
We make the same amount of money.
Boy, you must have something that I don't have.
Oh, Major Nelson is very good at handling people.
Yeah, hey, look, let's go over and pick out our boat, okay? Do you know the loveliest boat I ever saw was Cleopatra's barge.
No kidding.
Really? ROGER: I'd love to have seen that.
Well, we better get going.
I'll see you tonight, Jeannie.
Okay.
And, uh, no blinking.
I'll walk down, okay? [.]
Hey, here's a beauty.
Wow! Look at that spinnaker.
TONY: Yeah, it's also $5000.
Roge, we've only got 3200.
I'm ready to go sailing, master.
Hi.
Hi.
We don't have the boat yet, Jeannie.
Say That's a cute outfit.
Yeah.
Do you like it? Yeah.
Jeannie! You look darling.
Major Nelson, I Well, I'll see you later, Tony.
Stay right where you are, Major Healey.
Major, what do you think you're dressed for? Uh, this is, uh Well, it's for sailing, sir.
The sailing number in the Christmas show that Roger and I are rehearsing.
What show? Oh, that show.
You talkin'.
You're rehearsing for a Christmas show in August? Yeah, well, these things take time.
Hm.
Has anyone left you a large sum of money recently? No, sir.
Good.
Major Nelson, I want you to wait right here, do you understand? Right here.
Oh, quick thinking.
"What show?" Oh, very good.
Jeannie! Oh, nice work.
I am sorry, master, but in Greece, the warriors wore skirts, and in Scotland, the men wear kilts all the time Yeah, but this is Cocoa Beach, and Dr.
Bellows, well, uh Why did he ask me if I'd been left a large sum of money? He's wearing a sweater and a skirt and has $3,000,000 in his Christmas fund? That's right, general.
Doctor, have you been analyzed recently? Oh, general.
This time, Major Nelson won't get away with it.
His money is in the Cocoa Beach City Bank, and he's in his office.
Dr.
Bellows, if this is another one of your wild hallucinations, you're going through psychoanalysis again.
Gladly.
That's good.
Hm.
While we were at the bank, you didn't do anything, did you? Do what? Well, if I knew, I wouldn't be asking you.
Why would anybody wanna lend me $200,000? You mean they wanted to lend you $200,000, and you didn't accept it? Jeannie, what did you do at the bank? I-if I tell you, you will not be angry with me? Me, angry? Me? Why would I get angry? I've never seen a girl Who are you talking to, Major Nelson? Oh, uh, we were just rehearsing, sir.
You know, the Christmas play? You You've got the next line, Roge.
My line next? Oh, goodbye.
Just a moment, major.
You said he was in a skirt and sweater.
Well, obviously he changed clothes, general.
I can't wait to hear him explain away the money in his account.
Oh, oh, is that all? [CHUCKLING.]
Is that all you're worried about? Well? Oh, yes.
Well, I started the account last January, and every week I stick a certain amount of money in there, and it all adds up, you know.
To $3,000,614? Three million, six hundred BELLOWS: And this time you can't blame it on any Christmas play.
The money is in the bank, and it's yours.
Now, would you like to explain it now? Or at your court-martial, major? Well, I I can't explain it, sir.
I don't have $3,000,000.
The bank says you do.
Well, there's only one way to find out.
We'll all go down there right now.
After you, major.
[.]
I have done it to him again.
Wilfred? Yes, Mr.
Melnick? This is Mr.
Peterfy, the federal auditor.
How do you do, Mr.
Peterfy? Mr.
Peterfy wants to ask you a question.
Always delighted to answer questions.
Mr.
Melnick tells us that you said that one of your savings club depositors had an account containing $3,000,000.
Yes, Major Nelson.
I made him a loan this morning, personally.
Mr.
Wilfred, if Major Nelson has $3,000,000 in his account, this bank is $3,000,000 short.
Three million dollars short? PETERFY: That is correct.
We've tracked it down to your department.
I'm sure you don't think that I-I-I I mean to say, you don't suspect that I But I didn't take it.
That money is in Major Nelson's Christmas account.
Here it is.
Six hundred and fourteen dollars.
What? B-but I saw it here myself.
With management like this, I think I shall have to audit your books from top to bottom.
A three million dollar mistake.
That must be a new world's record.
There's Mr.
Wilfred.
He'll tell you.
BELLOWS: Oh, Mr.
Wilfred? This is General Peterson.
And you know Major Nelson.
I certainly do.
Mr.
Wilfred, I want to talk to you about Major Nelson's Christmas account.
Do you really? Will you please tell the general how much Major Nelson has in that account? I'd be delighted.
He's got $614.
BELLOWS: That's a mistake.
I'm talking about Major Nelson's account.
I don't know what you're trying to pull, Dr.
Bellows.
But swindling a bank is a federal offense.
Me? Swindler? You told me he had $3,000,000.
Yeah, well, he hasn't.
And about that loan, major, you better come up with some security.
This isn't the Salvation Army, you know.
Doctor.
No, sir.
This time I'm not going to back down.
Somewhere in this bank is $3,000,000 belonging to Major Nelson, and I demand to know where he got it.
Doctor, I think I found that $3,000,000.
Good.
I knew it.
Let me have it as evidence.
May I see that, sir? Well, Dr.
Bellows, this is your card.
Mine? That's impossible.
I can start my analysis in the morning.
[.]
Jeannie? Jeannie? Jeannie, it's all right, you can come out.
Are you sure you are not angry with me, master? Millionaires don't get angry, Jeannie.
I'm sorry about that.
But I was only trying to be helpful.
Trying to be helpful.
Yeah, I know.
Yes, master.
I must say, it was kind of fun thinking I had $3,000,000 in the bank.
That's all right, I'm perfectly happy with things the way they are.
Yes, master.
Hi.
Well, how's my friend, the millionaire? I'm fine, Roge.
Hey, did you hear what happened to poor Dr.
Bellows? Yeah, yeah.
Well, at least one nice thing came out of this.
That poor widow will be able to buy a sewing machine now.
Oh, I do not think she's going to need one, master.
Why not? I believe she has a beautiful, little dress shop of her own.
Oh, that's wonderful, Jeannie.
You can buy all your clothes there.
That's funny.
Oh, you're funny.
I kind of like you in skirts.
Are we gonna buy the boat, or aren't we? We're gonna have to wait.
I had to give the loan back to the bank.
That is terrible.
I will take that bank and tear it apart! No, don't do anything.
They're in business to make money.
That's their business.
I doubt if Mr.
Wilfred has ever been at sea.
He looks like he's never been out of the bank before.
Boy, if he could feel the rolling deck of a ship beneath his feet and feel the wind and the spray on his face, he'd maybe know what he was missing.
I do not think he is ready for that yet, master.
Maybe we ought to start him off on a raft.
[.]
TONY & ROGER: Jeannie! Jeannie! ROGER: Get us off! [.]
Jeannie? Uh, Jeannie? Good morning, master.
Good morning, Jeannie.
Oh I cannot imagine why I'm so sleepy.
I can.
You exhausted yourself making that dinner last night.
Ah, did you enjoy it? It was one of the best meals I ever had in my life.
What was it? We had caviar and champagne, Mm-hm.
Uh, duck a I'orange Mm-hm.
Pomme soufflé.
Pomme soufflé, that's right, and, uh, for desert, uh Crepes Suzette.
Crepes Suzette, oh, they were wonderful.
You know, it'd take me a month's salary to pay for a meal like that.
Ah Jeannie, before you came, my food bills used to be ridiculous.
Now, take the market bill I got this morning for example.
In the old days, it would have been Oh, I don't know, around 100 dollars, and now it's only $1047 and 63 One thousand dollars? Oh, yes, master.
That is for the banquets you have been having all week.
But I-I thought you just, you know Well, sometimes.
But usually I just shop at the corner grocer where you have your charge account.
Well, there is a little Persian market I know of, but the meat there is very tough.
Why didn't you tell me this before? About the Persian market? Well, I didn't think you No, no, no, no, no.
I don't think you realize what you've done, Jeannie.
You see, Roger was gonna come over and pick me up, and we were gonna go down and buy a sailboat that we'd had our eyes on, but Well, now, I just can't afford it.
Well how much is the sailboat, master? Well, it's 1000 dollars more than I've got.
Ha-ha-ha! [WIND GUSTING.]
Hey! Oh! Anchors away! [LAUGHS.]
Do you like it, master? [.]
[.]
[.]
ROGER: Oh, boy! Fine friend you are.
You went out and bought the boat without me.
Why didn't you wait for me? Huh? What'd you say? Jeannie, would you turn the wind off? [WIND STOPS.]
Thank you.
What'd you say, Roger? I said, "You went out and bought the boat without me.
Why didn't you wait for me?" Well, I didn't wait for you because this is not my boat.
You just brought this over on approval? Yeah, well Would you get rid of it? Oh, get rid of it? G-get rid It's beautiful.
Would you like another color? I'd like another boat.
What's the matter with this one? Nothing, Roger, except it's not mine.
Ours.
Uh, Jeannie, you see, I I don't want anybody to give me a boat.
The fun of having something like this is Is working for it.
And saving for it.
And then buying it.
I know exactly what you mean, and that's a wonderful spirit.
Uh, I'll tell you what, Jeannie.
I'll I'll take the boat, but I'd like a few changes.
I thought we could have a swimming pool Would you get rid of it.
No, no [LAUGHS.]
Oh, well.
I get seasick anyway.
Shall we go down and pick out our boat? I can't.
You can't? Wait a minute.
You said we were gonna go partners.
Sixteen hundred dollars a piece on a boat.
Yeah, I I know, Roger.
[CHUCKLING.]
I don't have the money.
Well, what did you do with it? I ate it.
Sometimes I think Bellows is right about you.
There you are, master.
What is it? Oh, well, Jeannie.
No, no, no.
I don't think you understood what I was trying to say.
You see, I like to work for what I get.
Well, I'll just take that and be running along.
Well, easy come, easy go.
Oh, I just remembered! I invited a lot of people to go sailing this weekend.
Well, I'm sorry, Roge, there's just nothing I Well, what's the matter with me? I can borrow the money.
Where would you borrow the money, master? At a bank.
That's what they're for.
Oh, no.
No, master, I cannot let you do that.
Why not? Because! If you do not repay the loan, they will cut off your ears.
Who told you that? Earless Abdul.
Earless Abdul? He did not become earless until he failed to repay a loan at the First National Bank of Pompeii.
Nothing's gonna happen.
Hm, that is what Earless said before he became earless.
Look, I'm going to the bank, I'm gonna get the loan, Roger and I will buy the sailboat, and then I'll pay the bank back in monthly installments.
I still do not like it.
Jeannie Look, I-I thought, before I leave, could I just see the boat once more? Certainly.
Oh, well.
It's not my color anyway.
You, uh? You coming? No, I'll meet you at the base.
I'm gonna stop off at the bank on the way down.
Master? May I go to the bank with you? I have never seen a Cocoa Beach Bank.
Well, sure.
Sure, you can.
Well, look, I guess I better be running along.
I'll, uh I'll see you two later.
Look, do me a favor, will you? Dr.
Bellows.
Oh, forgive me for barging in, major, I That's a boat in your living room.
[STAMMERING.]
Yes.
Yes, that's exactly what it is, sir, a boat.
Uh, last week, there was a apple tree there.
Well, you know the old saying, "An apple a day keeps the doctor" Now, it's a boat.
Yeah.
I don't believe we've met.
Oh This is Pedro.
[SWEDISH ACCENT.]
I been happy to meet you, Dr.
Bellows.
Pedro? Pedro Sven.
I didn't know you had a boat, major.
Yeah, well, it's not mine.
He's just showing it to me.
Yah.
It's just the right thing to the ocean.
I suppose you have some explanation for this boat being in your living room.
Yeah, well, it was too big for the bedroom.
It's going to be another one of those weeks, isn't it, major? Sir? Well, I was hoping that this week, you'd Oh, never mind.
One of these days, Major Nelson.
One of these days.
[.]
"Too big for the bedroom.
" Sven, would you get the boat out now? If you want me to, master.
Yah, I want you to.
I am ready for the Cocoa Beach Bank, master.
But is the Cocoa Beach Bank ready for you? Yes, sir, can I help you? I'd like to speak to somebody about taking out a loan.
Yes, Mr.
Wilfred will take care of you.
If you'll just sit down a moment.
Thanks.
We'll be very happy to help you, madam.
Our greatest joy in life is seeing that wonderful look on people's faces when we give them loans.
Oh, thank you.
You see? There's nothing to it.
Hm! What is the purpose of this loan? Well, you see, my husband died and left me without a penny.
A penniless widow.
Excuse me, but that's That's heartbreaking.
If I could borrow 70 dollars, I could buy a secondhand sewing machine and take in sewing.
That is the spirit that built this great country.
Here you are, madam.
Just make a list of your cash securities and real estate holdings.
But I haven't any.
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE.]
WIDOW: That's right.
But I'll work my fingers to the bone to pay you back.
I have three young children to support.
Three young children.
Yes.
You see, what'd I tell ya? I do not like him.
I'm sorry, madam, but I'm afraid you've mistaken us for the charitable institution.
We do not make loans without first-class security.
You mean you won't help me? Now, I didn't say that, madam.
Of course we'll help you.
You see? You come back here some other time when you have some property or blue chip securities.
I will be glad to arrange a loan.
He is exactly like the man who took care of Earless Abdul.
WILFRED: Next! [.]
Well, what can I do for you this lovely day, general? Uh, major.
Major.
I-I want to discuss taking out a loan.
That's what I'm here for.
You know my motto? "Money can buy you happiness.
" And I am here to make you happy.
What's this loan for? I want to buy a boat.
Ah, the briny deep, the seven seas, Moby Dick and all that sort of thing.
How much is this boat? It's $3200, but I'm buying it with a friend of mine, so it'll only be $1600 a piece.
WILFRED: Is that all? Think of all the hours of pleasure you can have for $1600.
Well, I have thought about it, and that's the reason I wanna discuss taking out a loan.
I'm $1000 short.
A thousand dollars? Yes.
Tell me, lieutenant Major.
Major? Yeah.
How much real estate do you own? None.
I have a house, but it's got a mortgage on it.
But you do have securities.
No.
No wonder you want a boat.
You want to escape from poverty.
Well, I do have a bank account here.
Well, why didn't you say so? You're one of the family.
You know, I hate making loans to strangers, but I do love making loans to one of our big depositors.
Oh, I'm not a big depositor, I How much do you have in your accounts? It's just one account.
A Christmas fund account.
Christmas fund account? Yes.
Oh, I think I have about $600 in it.
Six hundred dollars? And you want to borrow a thousand? Let us go.
Jeannie, there's not gonna be any trouble with the loan.
But I can give you everything you need.
She's a very close friend.
Oh, don't apologize.
You'd be surprised how much of that goes on at Cocoa Beach.
Mr.
Wilfred, I, um I do have a steady job.
So I see.
Your name? Anthony Nelson.
Not the astronaut? Yes, that's right.
Well, I don't know.
We've never made a loan to an astronaut before.
It would be very interesting trying to get our money back if you went up there and Excuse me a moment.
I think I'll check on your account.
I do not like that man, master.
He reminds me of the one who took care of Earless.
Don't worry, Jeannie.
All he can do is say no, and I'll just have to get along without the boat for a while.
I will be right back, master.
I am going to look around the bank a little.
Jeannie? Mm? Don't get into any trouble.
Of course not, master.
[.]
Well, Wilfred.
And how's it going? Splendidly, Mr.
Melnick.
I'm on my seventh turndown this morning.
This one's an astronaut.
He wants to borrow $1000.
And all he has in his Christmas fund account is $3,000,614.
Three million, six hundred and fourteen dollars? MELNICK: And you're going to turn him down for a loan? Certainly not, Mr.
Melnick.
Give him anything he wants.
Yes, Mr.
Melnick! Yes, Mr.
Melnick! We mustn't let a man like that borrow only $1000, must we, Mr.
Melnick? Excuse me, sir.
Sorry to have kept you waiting, general.
Major.
Oh, you'll be a general.
I have a feeling in my bones.
Well, thank you.
Now, about the loan, if it's not too much trouble Trouble? Why, it's an honor to do business with you, sir.
Suppose we just fill out this form for $100,000, payable at your convenience.
A hundred thousand No, no, no, I don't need $100,000 dollars, I just need $1000.
Take the hundred thousand, master.
"Master.
" You don't see that kind of respect anymore, do you? Really, $100,000 is too much.
I just need 1000.
Well, suppose you decide to buy a larger boat, or take on a few accessories.
A seaplane on board, perhaps? No, no, really.
This is just a little sailboat.
Well, it could be a little bigger one, couldn't it, major general? Let's make this out for $150,000.
Take it, master.
Let us go.
Well, what would I use for security? Your face.
[GASPS.]
I knew it.
He wants your face.
That is worse than what happened to Earless.
Please, let us give you $200,000.
But I-I don't need $200,000.
Sir, if you're so anxious to loan money, why don't you loan money to the poor widow that was just in here? Is that what you want? Well, it'd be very nice.
How much shall we give her? I don't know.
A thousand dollars? WILFRED: A nice round figure.
She'll have the money this afternoon.
Now, just sign here, and we'll have the money sent over to you by special messenger.
Well, that's certainly very nice of you.
If we can ever be of any help to you, general, day or night, you just don't hesitate to call on us.
Let us go, master.
Thank you very much.
I-It was most pleasant.
I told ya I told ya it would be easy.
Sir, the second window.
Oh, Mr.
Wilfred? Yes, Mr.
Melnick? How much did Major Nelson borrow? Well, I'm sorry, Mr.
Melnick, but he only borrowed $1000.
I tried to get him to take $200,000, but he wouldn't accept it.
I can't understand it.
A man with $3,000,000 in his Christmas fund wanting to borrow $1000.
[.]
Uh, excuse me, gentlemen.
Good morning, Dr.
Bellows.
Mr.
Wilfred.
Good morning.
Doctor.
Did you say that Major Anthony Nelson has $3,000,000 in his Christmas fund account? Yes, indeed.
And he borrowed some money? Well, just $1000.
Perhaps you could talk to him and persuade him to borrow more.
I'll talk to him, all right.
Thank you, Dr.
Bellows.
It's going to be my pleasure.
Excuse me.
I got the loan without losing my ears, didn't I? Hm.
Yes, master.
And I got the loan without your help.
Y-yes, master.
You know, I've been thinking of buying a new car.
Uh, maybe I'll negotiate another little loan.
I do not think I would do that if I were you, master.
Mm Hm? I know how to handle these people much better than you do, really.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
I think that's Roger.
Oh Oh, Jeannie, I wish you wouldn't do that.
Oh, I'm sorry, Major Healey.
Jeannie, next time you let him walk up the flight of stairs.
What happened at the bank? Get your loan? Oh, there's nothing to it.
They couldn't do enough for me.
Really? I've been trying to borrow money there for two years.
Well, next time you go in, just mention, uh, that you're a friend of mine.
ROGER: That's funny.
We make the same amount of money.
Boy, you must have something that I don't have.
Oh, Major Nelson is very good at handling people.
Yeah, hey, look, let's go over and pick out our boat, okay? Do you know the loveliest boat I ever saw was Cleopatra's barge.
No kidding.
Really? ROGER: I'd love to have seen that.
Well, we better get going.
I'll see you tonight, Jeannie.
Okay.
And, uh, no blinking.
I'll walk down, okay? [.]
Hey, here's a beauty.
Wow! Look at that spinnaker.
TONY: Yeah, it's also $5000.
Roge, we've only got 3200.
I'm ready to go sailing, master.
Hi.
Hi.
We don't have the boat yet, Jeannie.
Say That's a cute outfit.
Yeah.
Do you like it? Yeah.
Jeannie! You look darling.
Major Nelson, I Well, I'll see you later, Tony.
Stay right where you are, Major Healey.
Major, what do you think you're dressed for? Uh, this is, uh Well, it's for sailing, sir.
The sailing number in the Christmas show that Roger and I are rehearsing.
What show? Oh, that show.
You talkin'.
You're rehearsing for a Christmas show in August? Yeah, well, these things take time.
Hm.
Has anyone left you a large sum of money recently? No, sir.
Good.
Major Nelson, I want you to wait right here, do you understand? Right here.
Oh, quick thinking.
"What show?" Oh, very good.
Jeannie! Oh, nice work.
I am sorry, master, but in Greece, the warriors wore skirts, and in Scotland, the men wear kilts all the time Yeah, but this is Cocoa Beach, and Dr.
Bellows, well, uh Why did he ask me if I'd been left a large sum of money? He's wearing a sweater and a skirt and has $3,000,000 in his Christmas fund? That's right, general.
Doctor, have you been analyzed recently? Oh, general.
This time, Major Nelson won't get away with it.
His money is in the Cocoa Beach City Bank, and he's in his office.
Dr.
Bellows, if this is another one of your wild hallucinations, you're going through psychoanalysis again.
Gladly.
That's good.
Hm.
While we were at the bank, you didn't do anything, did you? Do what? Well, if I knew, I wouldn't be asking you.
Why would anybody wanna lend me $200,000? You mean they wanted to lend you $200,000, and you didn't accept it? Jeannie, what did you do at the bank? I-if I tell you, you will not be angry with me? Me, angry? Me? Why would I get angry? I've never seen a girl Who are you talking to, Major Nelson? Oh, uh, we were just rehearsing, sir.
You know, the Christmas play? You You've got the next line, Roge.
My line next? Oh, goodbye.
Just a moment, major.
You said he was in a skirt and sweater.
Well, obviously he changed clothes, general.
I can't wait to hear him explain away the money in his account.
Oh, oh, is that all? [CHUCKLING.]
Is that all you're worried about? Well? Oh, yes.
Well, I started the account last January, and every week I stick a certain amount of money in there, and it all adds up, you know.
To $3,000,614? Three million, six hundred BELLOWS: And this time you can't blame it on any Christmas play.
The money is in the bank, and it's yours.
Now, would you like to explain it now? Or at your court-martial, major? Well, I I can't explain it, sir.
I don't have $3,000,000.
The bank says you do.
Well, there's only one way to find out.
We'll all go down there right now.
After you, major.
[.]
I have done it to him again.
Wilfred? Yes, Mr.
Melnick? This is Mr.
Peterfy, the federal auditor.
How do you do, Mr.
Peterfy? Mr.
Peterfy wants to ask you a question.
Always delighted to answer questions.
Mr.
Melnick tells us that you said that one of your savings club depositors had an account containing $3,000,000.
Yes, Major Nelson.
I made him a loan this morning, personally.
Mr.
Wilfred, if Major Nelson has $3,000,000 in his account, this bank is $3,000,000 short.
Three million dollars short? PETERFY: That is correct.
We've tracked it down to your department.
I'm sure you don't think that I-I-I I mean to say, you don't suspect that I But I didn't take it.
That money is in Major Nelson's Christmas account.
Here it is.
Six hundred and fourteen dollars.
What? B-but I saw it here myself.
With management like this, I think I shall have to audit your books from top to bottom.
A three million dollar mistake.
That must be a new world's record.
There's Mr.
Wilfred.
He'll tell you.
BELLOWS: Oh, Mr.
Wilfred? This is General Peterson.
And you know Major Nelson.
I certainly do.
Mr.
Wilfred, I want to talk to you about Major Nelson's Christmas account.
Do you really? Will you please tell the general how much Major Nelson has in that account? I'd be delighted.
He's got $614.
BELLOWS: That's a mistake.
I'm talking about Major Nelson's account.
I don't know what you're trying to pull, Dr.
Bellows.
But swindling a bank is a federal offense.
Me? Swindler? You told me he had $3,000,000.
Yeah, well, he hasn't.
And about that loan, major, you better come up with some security.
This isn't the Salvation Army, you know.
Doctor.
No, sir.
This time I'm not going to back down.
Somewhere in this bank is $3,000,000 belonging to Major Nelson, and I demand to know where he got it.
Doctor, I think I found that $3,000,000.
Good.
I knew it.
Let me have it as evidence.
May I see that, sir? Well, Dr.
Bellows, this is your card.
Mine? That's impossible.
I can start my analysis in the morning.
[.]
Jeannie? Jeannie? Jeannie, it's all right, you can come out.
Are you sure you are not angry with me, master? Millionaires don't get angry, Jeannie.
I'm sorry about that.
But I was only trying to be helpful.
Trying to be helpful.
Yeah, I know.
Yes, master.
I must say, it was kind of fun thinking I had $3,000,000 in the bank.
That's all right, I'm perfectly happy with things the way they are.
Yes, master.
Hi.
Well, how's my friend, the millionaire? I'm fine, Roge.
Hey, did you hear what happened to poor Dr.
Bellows? Yeah, yeah.
Well, at least one nice thing came out of this.
That poor widow will be able to buy a sewing machine now.
Oh, I do not think she's going to need one, master.
Why not? I believe she has a beautiful, little dress shop of her own.
Oh, that's wonderful, Jeannie.
You can buy all your clothes there.
That's funny.
Oh, you're funny.
I kind of like you in skirts.
Are we gonna buy the boat, or aren't we? We're gonna have to wait.
I had to give the loan back to the bank.
That is terrible.
I will take that bank and tear it apart! No, don't do anything.
They're in business to make money.
That's their business.
I doubt if Mr.
Wilfred has ever been at sea.
He looks like he's never been out of the bank before.
Boy, if he could feel the rolling deck of a ship beneath his feet and feel the wind and the spray on his face, he'd maybe know what he was missing.
I do not think he is ready for that yet, master.
Maybe we ought to start him off on a raft.
[.]
TONY & ROGER: Jeannie! Jeannie! ROGER: Get us off! [.]