I Dream of Jeannie (1965) s02e16 Episode Script
My Master, the Author
[.]
Hi, Tony.
Guess what I just bought.
A new bowling bag.
Very funny.
So are you going bowling with us tonight? Oh, I can't, Roger.
Jeannie expects me to be with her every minute.
She's got a list of things for me to do as long as you're arm.
She wants to go to the movies and plays and the museums and picnics.
I That sounds like fun.
Yeah, well, it would be fun if I had time for it, but, well, I'm I'm scheduled to do the Lunar Landing Research Vehicle next month.
Hm.
You know what you should do? What? You should get her a hobby.
That would solve all your problems.
Can you imagine Jeannie with a hobby? [CHUCKLES.]
Hey, wait a minute.
That's not a bad id You're brilliant.
Yeah, something that'll keep her busy 24 hours a day.
Well, I could, uh Good morning, master.
Good morning, Major Healey.
Good morning.
Good morning, Jeannie.
Uh, listen, uh, Tony was just telling me he's going to try to get you to take up some kind of a hobby Roger.
Roge Oh, a hobby? Have you ever thought of studying, uh, oh designing or sculpture? Oh, no.
I would not be interested.
Um, uh, dancing? Uh Karate? Roge.
Isn't there anything that interests you? Oh, yes, master.
I am interested in all those things.
But, if I studied any of them, I would not be able to spend all my time with you.
Nice try.
Nice try.
Are you ready to go to the art exhibit? No.
No, I'm not going to the art exhi I've told you three times, I can't go.
Oh, but you must.
No, I mustn't.
Now, you've gotta realize that when I say no, I mean no.
Right.
He has a will of iron.
Yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, a will of iron, hah.
[.]
Jeannie, what? Welcome to the art exhibit, master.
Yeah.
[.]
[.]
[.]
[.]
[GASPS.]
Oh, look, master.
Oh, it is an original Aunt Sarah.
[CHUCKLING.]
Yeah.
Mom, I'm tired.
I wanna go.
Shut up and stop whining.
You're gonna have culture if it kills ya.
I cannot stand to hear people treat children like that.
Neither can I.
My feet hurt.
Can't we go home? Do you wanna be ignorant, like your father? Ooh! Jeannie, don't get into this.
Jeannie.
[HONKING.]
Mom? [HONKING.]
Jeannie, come on, come on.
Harold.
Jeannie, why did you turn that boy's mother into a goose? Because she was a goose, master.
I could not stand to see the way she treated him.
There is a very special way to treat children.
Yeah, I'm sure there is, but turning a mother into a goose I know everything about children.
Someday, I am going to write a book about it.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, you do that.
It would be the best book in the whole world.
Do? Do you really think you could write a book about bringing up kids? Of course, master.
How long do you think it'd take? Oh, I do not know.
Maybe, hm, three or four weeks.
Three or four weeks, huh? You wouldn't be able to do anything else.
I mean, you'd have to concentrate on it.
Oh, I would not mind, master.
Hm.
Do you really think I should do it? Oh, yeah, I I do, I I really do.
Very well, master, I shall.
[CHUCKLING.]
I am afraid you will not be seeing much of me for a while, master.
We all have to make sacrifices, Jeannie.
Now, take your time.
And don't rush it.
Oh, do not worry, master.
It will be a good book.
You will like it.
[CHUCKLING.]
I already like it.
Aw.
[MOUTHING WORDS.]
Master.
Oh, hi, Jeannie.
How's the book? It is finished, master.
How to Be a Fantastic Parent.
Do you like the title, master? Yeah, yeah, it's fine.
What about How to Be a Fantastic Mother? [GASPS.]
Oh, that is a splendid idea.
You like it? Mm.
[JEANNIE CHUCKLES.]
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
I do not think I should put my name on it.
Do you? No.
No, I don't think so.
How about? Why don't you try Anonymous? Who is Anonymous? [CHUCKLES.]
Well, you can use any name you want to.
Uh, I've gotta get to the office.
I'm a little late.
I'll see you later, huh? Oh, very well, and And thank you, master.
For what? Your splendid title.
Oh, thank you too.
For what, master? Uh, three weeks' training on the LLRV.
[CHUCKLING.]
Oh.
LLRV? [DOOR CLOSES.]
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
Now who shall publish my book? [SIGHS.]
Let's see.
Ah, "Woodhouse Publishing Company, New York City, New York.
" I will let them publish my book.
[SIGHS.]
Anonymous.
Aww, that is better.
"Major Anthony Nelson.
" [LAUGHS.]
[.]
Yeah, but Sam Marcus is one of the best astronauts in the program.
They really haul him on the carpet? [DOORBELL RINGS.]
That poor devil.
[GASPS.]
It's from the publisher.
Well, let that be a lesson to all of us.
I am sure sorry for him, Roger, but [GASPS.]
Oh, they have accepted my master's book.
Oh.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, all we can do in the future is just be more careful.
Yeah.
I'll I'll see you down at the center.
Well, that's a shame.
Wha? What is a shame, master? Oh, one of our best astronauts, Sam Marcus, just got himself in a lot of trouble.
How? He wrote a magazine article, didn't clear it.
And that got him into trouble, master? Hm? Oh, yeah, sure.
Every time that an astronaut writes anything he's gotta clear it through NASA.
He does? Yeah, well, sure.
Oh, is? Did you get the mail? Mm-hm.
It's just advertising.
I better get down to the office.
I wanna see how poor old Sam is gonna make out.
I'll see you tonight.
Yes, master.
[.]
[SIGHS.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Oh, well, who will know? No one will read the book, anyway.
[.]
It's all set to go, major.
Oh, thanks.
Well, good luck, Tony, and, look, do a good job, huh? When we use this flying mattress to scoot along the surface of the moon, we don't want anything to go wrong.
Huh? I said, when we, uh N-nev Never mind.
Never mind.
Good luck.
Good luck.
That's what I said.
[.]
Hey, it worked.
It worked.
Look at him go.
Is that Major Nelson up there? Yes, sir.
[.]
Hi.
It has a perfect checkout.
Couldn't have handled better.
That's great, major.
Oh, major, there are some reporters in my office to see you.
Thank you.
Sir? There are some reporters in my office to see you.
Oh, they probably heard about the test.
Shall we go? Uh, pardon me? Shall we go? Oh, yes, yes.
Here.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is Major Nelson.
How do you do? I understand you all wanna ask me some questions? Would you explain your theory about breast-feeding? In chapter three in your book, you said that How do you feel about getting a National Baby Award from the Mothers' Organization of America? Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
I-I don't understand what you are all talking about.
They're talking about your book, major.
How to Be a Fantastic Mother.
My book? Mm-hm.
Well, I I never wrote a Wrote a better book in my life.
How does it feel to be the new Dr.
Spock, major? I'd like to know something more about your theory on feeding too.
I read that It's amazing how, for one hour and a half, you managed to say absolutely nothing.
You're, um, a bachelor, aren't you, major? Yes, yes.
Well, I'm a psychiatrist, and I'm staking my reputation that this book was not written by a bachelor.
Doctor, believe me, it came off my typewriter.
I'm going to give you a chance to prove it.
Yea Uh, prove it? Pro? How, sir? Hm.
Do you remember what you said in, uh, chapter 13? Chapter? Chapter 13? Well, no, uh, not Not word for word.
Uh, you said that in one evening, you could take the most incorrigible child in the world and change him into a loving human being.
Uh, did? Did I say that? I mean That was in chapter 13.
Yes, major.
And I happen to have the most incorrigible child in the world.
Uh, that is, he belongs to my sister.
He's 12 years old.
He's already gone through three analysts, of which I was one.
Well, it sounds like, uh, quite a challenge, sir.
However, I'm afraid I'm not gonna have time to work with him.
One evening.
Yes, sir? You said you could do it in one evening.
He'll be at your house tonight, major.
Oh, uh, tonight? Ahem.
Tonight's it's impossible, sir.
I have to work on the LLRV And we're going to have another press conference.
Where I will tell the reporters how successful you've been, or you can explain that this book is a fraud, and that you didn't write it.
I needn't remind you how NASA feels about astronauts getting phony publicity, need I, major? No, no.
You're excused.
Thank you.
Remember Sam Marcus? Oh, Mother Nelson, I, uh, just read your book, and I [CHUCKLES.]
Ni Nice reading.
[.]
Jeannie? Jeannie, I'd like to talk to you.
Good evening, master.
Oh, hello.
Say, uh, how'd my name get on that book? The publisher made a mistake.
[CHUCKLES.]
No, no, you did.
And you know what it's gonna cost me? My job.
Oh, but why, master? Just because you are an expert on children No, I'm not an expert on children, and Dr.
Bellows knows that.
Oh, he cannot prove it.
Oh, yes, he can.
He's bringing his nephew over here tonight, and from what I'm led to believe, his nephew is the youngest juvenile delinquent on record.
And if I don't make that kid into a bundle of love before the evening is out, I'm finished.
Finished.
Over.
Finished.
Oh, well, that is easy, master.
I will show you the chapter You'll do nothing.
Oh, but, master You leave that kid alone.
If that is what you wish.
That's what I wish.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh! How do you get yourself into these things? [STAMMERS.]
[.]
TONY: Oh, hello, Dr.
Bellows.
Good evening, Major Nelson.
This is my nephew, Richard.
Oh, hello, Richard.
Uh, you look like a fine young man.
You an astronaut? Uh, yes, yes.
You wanna be an astronaut when you grow up? You think I'm some kind of a creep? Uh, tell him what you're going to do when you grow up, Richard.
I'm gonna join the Mafia.
[LAUGHING.]
TONY: Um Has anybody ever given him a spanking? Lots of times, but nobody ever spanks me more than once.
Oh, is that right? Oh, yes.
Uh, tell him why, Richard.
'Cause every time somebody spanks me, I set fire to somethin'.
You wanna try it? Uh, no, no, no.
Uh, well, I'll, uh, just run along and leave you two to each other.
No, no, you're not gonna You have three hours, major.
You're not gonna leave him him? Doctor? Uh Say, uh, uh [CHUCKLES.]
There, Richard, I spent a lot of time on that.
Hey, you know, I think we can work out our problems by talking and getting to understand each other, huh? You seem like a pretty bright fella.
My uncle, the head shrinker, says if you don't straighten me out tonight, you're in a bunch of trouble.
He say that, huh? Yeah, and you know somethin'? What? You're in a bunch of trouble.
Got anything to eat around here? Yeah Oh, sure, sure.
We got cookies and milk Hold this.
[.]
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh, General Peterson.
Tony, forgive me for barging in on you like this.
That's quite all right, sir.
What can I do for you? Why, it's about that book you wrote.
Book? Congratulations.
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.]
I had no idea that you that you knew so much about raising children.
It's Uh, I really don't know that much about it, sir.
I It's just an instinctive thing, I suppose.
Well, now, don't be modest.
When a book like that gets to be a bestseller, there's gotta be a good reason for it.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, uh, I suppose there is, sir.
Uh, thank you for dropping by to congratulate me on it.
Well, I didn't come by just for that, Tony.
I Well, I have a little granddaughter, 11 years old.
Uh, she's a nice girl, but she's terribly shy, and because of that, she's withdrawn in a kind of a protective shell.
It's It's ruining her life.
We can't even get her to talk anymore.
Oh, if you help us, Tony, I certainly would appreciate it.
Well, I I I'd like to try, sir, but I I'm really not qualified Dr.
Bellows doesn't even believe that you wrote it.
This time we're really gonna teach him a lesson, aren't we? [BOTH CHUCKLING.]
Yeah.
Gina.
Oh Gina.
Oh, uh, this is my little granddaughter, Gina.
Uh, this is Major Nelson.
How do you do, Gina? Uh, Gina's gonna have a birthday party next week aren't you, Gina? Now Now, you stay here You stay here with Major Nelson.
Oh, wait till Dr.
Bellows hears about this, heh.
I'll see you in about three hours.
Uh, sir And good luck, good luck.
Well, thank you, but I Uh, keep it.
[BUZZING.]
Uh, Gina Gina, why don't you go upstairs and play, huh? I'll I'll be up in just Just one minute.
What are ya doin'? Makin' a mess.
So are you gonna spank me? Uh, give me those things.
Listen, you shouldn't be H-h-how'd you like to, uh? To play with a pretty little girl, huh? Where is she? No, I guess that's not such a good idea, after all.
[.]
I want you to clean this place Would you stop that? I want you to clean this place up, understand? I'll be back in about two minutes.
Master.
Oh.
What is it? Is he not a darling boy? A darling boy? That kid wants to join the Mafia.
You know what? I don't think they'll take him.
Master, he is not that bad.
Do you know what I would do with him? No, but I know what I'd do with him.
That's against the law.
I've got a kid upstairs I can't make talk, and I got a kid in the kitchen that I can't turn my back on.
Now I gotta keep 'em apart.
Oh.
[.]
[SIGHS.]
Hi there.
I brought you something.
How would you like some cookies and milk, huh? Oh, say, you're not afraid of me, are you, Gina? Yeah, come on, you're You're too pretty to be shy.
Anybody ever tell you that? You're a beautiful young girl.
Uh, do you have any brothers or sisters? Hey, I bet you had You don't have anybody to talk to, do you? Gina, um How would you like to play with a rocket? Or a? A? A globe? I I bet you've never seen one like this? It's a real antique.
How about this telescope? I can show you, through this telescope, the Sea of Tranquility.
It's on the moon.
I'm gonna be landing there one of these days.
Look, Gina I'm just trying to help.
Oh.
Look.
Say, look here.
Here's a doll.
Her name is Heh.
It's Jeannie.
[BUZZING.]
You You You wait right here.
I'll I'll be back.
What's going on around here, huh? [SCREAMS.]
It took me three weeks to make that.
Back to the old drawing board.
Richard.
Come here.
You know, Richard, you shouldn't touch something that belongs to somebody else.
Now, I'll tell you what.
I've got the makings for a new plane out in the patio.
Now, why don't you go out there and build it, hm? That's kids' stuff.
Oh, no, it isn't.
It takes quite a bit of intelligence to build one.
My IQ is 170.
What's yours? Forget it.
Well, how are we getting along, Gina? Feeling any better, huh? Wh? What did we talk about, hm? Uh, look, darling, I I don't know how to explain this, but we don't have a lot of time.
You see, I've gotta get you talking before your grandfather comes back to pick you up.
You're a very sweet young girl, and I And I'm sure you have a lot to say.
All you need is a little sympathetic understanding.
And believe me, I'm a sympathetic guy.
[STUTTERING.]
Ju Just Just talk to me.
Just say the first thing that comes into your mind.
I smell smoke.
[LAUGHING.]
You see? You see how easy that was? Three little words: I smell smoke.
[LAUGHING.]
Wonderful.
Yee Oh Well, oh Master.
Oh.
Later.
You think I'm gonna fall for an old gag like that, huh? [COUGHS.]
What do you think you're doin'? I was making some rocket fuel.
Yeah? Well, stay away from the stove.
And And clean this mess up.
And fix that plane! Master.
Oh.
If you would read chapter 17, it says here Cha? Read? I don't have time to read.
My whole life is going down the drain.
But What? No.
Well, have you thought of any games for us to play, huh? Huh? What's the matter, Gina? [CRYING.]
I want to go home.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh.
That's Dr.
Bellows.
I You just You just stay right here, honey.
Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
[.]
I'm back.
Has it been three hours already? Why, yes, it has.
Yeah, it's amazing how time will pass when you're having fun.
Have you been having fun? A ball.
A ba Richard's a wonderful kid.
A really wonderful kid.
Uh, Richard? Sure, oh, yes, yes, yes.
It's All he needs is a little understanding.
It's amazing how much fun you can have when you understand each other.
We've been having such a good time, I was wondering if he can spend the night.
I could bring him over in the morning Major Nelson.
We could Major Nelson.
Yes, sir.
Where is he? Who? Uh, oh, Richard.
I'm sorry.
Yes, he's Well, he's out on the patio assembling some model airplanes we've been working on.
He didn't smash them? Mm, well, there were a couple of little accidents.
Nothing important.
Uh, yes.
Uh, may I see him now? Uh, well, I'd rather you didn't Uh, now, major.
[SIGHING.]
Yeah.
[.]
PETERSON: Gentlemen.
Ah, good evening, general.
Yes, yes, general.
How are you, sir? Good evening.
How is Gina? Gina? Oh, wonderful.
Wonderful kid.
Just a charming girl.
Aren't you proud of him, doctor? I will be as soon as I see my nephew changed into a well-behaved little boy.
Richard? Uh, doctor Uh, general You don't have to say a word, major.
The evidence will speak for itself.
Intelligent to make a model as beautiful as that.
I didn't make it.
I just fixed it.
Most girls would think that's kids' stuff.
GINA: Oh, no, I think it's wonderful.
You do? Really? I'm making a rocket at home.
I don't believe it.
Gina's talking.
Come over and see it sometime.
BELLOWS: I certainly owe you an apology, Major Nelson.
How in the world did you ever do it? Chapter 13.
[CHUCKLES.]
May I see you to your car? Mm-hm.
[GIGGLING.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Amazing.
How'd you say you did that? Yeah, read the book, sir.
Oh, I did, I did.
It all seemed so terribly simple in school.
Good night, major.
Oh, good night, sir.
And thanks [CHUCKLES.]
Oh, yeah.
[SIGHS.]
I-I-I hope you're happy, master.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, thank you, Jeannie.
Thank you very much.
There's only one problem.
Well, what is that, master? If you used magic on those children Oh, but I did not.
I did not.
All I did was bring them together.
Yeah, and then what happened? Oh, you must read the last chapter, master.
It is about boys and girls.
[.]
[.]
Hi, Tony.
Guess what I just bought.
A new bowling bag.
Very funny.
So are you going bowling with us tonight? Oh, I can't, Roger.
Jeannie expects me to be with her every minute.
She's got a list of things for me to do as long as you're arm.
She wants to go to the movies and plays and the museums and picnics.
I That sounds like fun.
Yeah, well, it would be fun if I had time for it, but, well, I'm I'm scheduled to do the Lunar Landing Research Vehicle next month.
Hm.
You know what you should do? What? You should get her a hobby.
That would solve all your problems.
Can you imagine Jeannie with a hobby? [CHUCKLES.]
Hey, wait a minute.
That's not a bad id You're brilliant.
Yeah, something that'll keep her busy 24 hours a day.
Well, I could, uh Good morning, master.
Good morning, Major Healey.
Good morning.
Good morning, Jeannie.
Uh, listen, uh, Tony was just telling me he's going to try to get you to take up some kind of a hobby Roger.
Roge Oh, a hobby? Have you ever thought of studying, uh, oh designing or sculpture? Oh, no.
I would not be interested.
Um, uh, dancing? Uh Karate? Roge.
Isn't there anything that interests you? Oh, yes, master.
I am interested in all those things.
But, if I studied any of them, I would not be able to spend all my time with you.
Nice try.
Nice try.
Are you ready to go to the art exhibit? No.
No, I'm not going to the art exhi I've told you three times, I can't go.
Oh, but you must.
No, I mustn't.
Now, you've gotta realize that when I say no, I mean no.
Right.
He has a will of iron.
Yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, a will of iron, hah.
[.]
Jeannie, what? Welcome to the art exhibit, master.
Yeah.
[.]
[.]
[.]
[.]
[GASPS.]
Oh, look, master.
Oh, it is an original Aunt Sarah.
[CHUCKLING.]
Yeah.
Mom, I'm tired.
I wanna go.
Shut up and stop whining.
You're gonna have culture if it kills ya.
I cannot stand to hear people treat children like that.
Neither can I.
My feet hurt.
Can't we go home? Do you wanna be ignorant, like your father? Ooh! Jeannie, don't get into this.
Jeannie.
[HONKING.]
Mom? [HONKING.]
Jeannie, come on, come on.
Harold.
Jeannie, why did you turn that boy's mother into a goose? Because she was a goose, master.
I could not stand to see the way she treated him.
There is a very special way to treat children.
Yeah, I'm sure there is, but turning a mother into a goose I know everything about children.
Someday, I am going to write a book about it.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, you do that.
It would be the best book in the whole world.
Do? Do you really think you could write a book about bringing up kids? Of course, master.
How long do you think it'd take? Oh, I do not know.
Maybe, hm, three or four weeks.
Three or four weeks, huh? You wouldn't be able to do anything else.
I mean, you'd have to concentrate on it.
Oh, I would not mind, master.
Hm.
Do you really think I should do it? Oh, yeah, I I do, I I really do.
Very well, master, I shall.
[CHUCKLING.]
I am afraid you will not be seeing much of me for a while, master.
We all have to make sacrifices, Jeannie.
Now, take your time.
And don't rush it.
Oh, do not worry, master.
It will be a good book.
You will like it.
[CHUCKLING.]
I already like it.
Aw.
[MOUTHING WORDS.]
Master.
Oh, hi, Jeannie.
How's the book? It is finished, master.
How to Be a Fantastic Parent.
Do you like the title, master? Yeah, yeah, it's fine.
What about How to Be a Fantastic Mother? [GASPS.]
Oh, that is a splendid idea.
You like it? Mm.
[JEANNIE CHUCKLES.]
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
I do not think I should put my name on it.
Do you? No.
No, I don't think so.
How about? Why don't you try Anonymous? Who is Anonymous? [CHUCKLES.]
Well, you can use any name you want to.
Uh, I've gotta get to the office.
I'm a little late.
I'll see you later, huh? Oh, very well, and And thank you, master.
For what? Your splendid title.
Oh, thank you too.
For what, master? Uh, three weeks' training on the LLRV.
[CHUCKLING.]
Oh.
LLRV? [DOOR CLOSES.]
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
Now who shall publish my book? [SIGHS.]
Let's see.
Ah, "Woodhouse Publishing Company, New York City, New York.
" I will let them publish my book.
[SIGHS.]
Anonymous.
Aww, that is better.
"Major Anthony Nelson.
" [LAUGHS.]
[.]
Yeah, but Sam Marcus is one of the best astronauts in the program.
They really haul him on the carpet? [DOORBELL RINGS.]
That poor devil.
[GASPS.]
It's from the publisher.
Well, let that be a lesson to all of us.
I am sure sorry for him, Roger, but [GASPS.]
Oh, they have accepted my master's book.
Oh.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, all we can do in the future is just be more careful.
Yeah.
I'll I'll see you down at the center.
Well, that's a shame.
Wha? What is a shame, master? Oh, one of our best astronauts, Sam Marcus, just got himself in a lot of trouble.
How? He wrote a magazine article, didn't clear it.
And that got him into trouble, master? Hm? Oh, yeah, sure.
Every time that an astronaut writes anything he's gotta clear it through NASA.
He does? Yeah, well, sure.
Oh, is? Did you get the mail? Mm-hm.
It's just advertising.
I better get down to the office.
I wanna see how poor old Sam is gonna make out.
I'll see you tonight.
Yes, master.
[.]
[SIGHS.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Oh, well, who will know? No one will read the book, anyway.
[.]
It's all set to go, major.
Oh, thanks.
Well, good luck, Tony, and, look, do a good job, huh? When we use this flying mattress to scoot along the surface of the moon, we don't want anything to go wrong.
Huh? I said, when we, uh N-nev Never mind.
Never mind.
Good luck.
Good luck.
That's what I said.
[.]
Hey, it worked.
It worked.
Look at him go.
Is that Major Nelson up there? Yes, sir.
[.]
Hi.
It has a perfect checkout.
Couldn't have handled better.
That's great, major.
Oh, major, there are some reporters in my office to see you.
Thank you.
Sir? There are some reporters in my office to see you.
Oh, they probably heard about the test.
Shall we go? Uh, pardon me? Shall we go? Oh, yes, yes.
Here.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is Major Nelson.
How do you do? I understand you all wanna ask me some questions? Would you explain your theory about breast-feeding? In chapter three in your book, you said that How do you feel about getting a National Baby Award from the Mothers' Organization of America? Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
I-I don't understand what you are all talking about.
They're talking about your book, major.
How to Be a Fantastic Mother.
My book? Mm-hm.
Well, I I never wrote a Wrote a better book in my life.
How does it feel to be the new Dr.
Spock, major? I'd like to know something more about your theory on feeding too.
I read that It's amazing how, for one hour and a half, you managed to say absolutely nothing.
You're, um, a bachelor, aren't you, major? Yes, yes.
Well, I'm a psychiatrist, and I'm staking my reputation that this book was not written by a bachelor.
Doctor, believe me, it came off my typewriter.
I'm going to give you a chance to prove it.
Yea Uh, prove it? Pro? How, sir? Hm.
Do you remember what you said in, uh, chapter 13? Chapter? Chapter 13? Well, no, uh, not Not word for word.
Uh, you said that in one evening, you could take the most incorrigible child in the world and change him into a loving human being.
Uh, did? Did I say that? I mean That was in chapter 13.
Yes, major.
And I happen to have the most incorrigible child in the world.
Uh, that is, he belongs to my sister.
He's 12 years old.
He's already gone through three analysts, of which I was one.
Well, it sounds like, uh, quite a challenge, sir.
However, I'm afraid I'm not gonna have time to work with him.
One evening.
Yes, sir? You said you could do it in one evening.
He'll be at your house tonight, major.
Oh, uh, tonight? Ahem.
Tonight's it's impossible, sir.
I have to work on the LLRV And we're going to have another press conference.
Where I will tell the reporters how successful you've been, or you can explain that this book is a fraud, and that you didn't write it.
I needn't remind you how NASA feels about astronauts getting phony publicity, need I, major? No, no.
You're excused.
Thank you.
Remember Sam Marcus? Oh, Mother Nelson, I, uh, just read your book, and I [CHUCKLES.]
Ni Nice reading.
[.]
Jeannie? Jeannie, I'd like to talk to you.
Good evening, master.
Oh, hello.
Say, uh, how'd my name get on that book? The publisher made a mistake.
[CHUCKLES.]
No, no, you did.
And you know what it's gonna cost me? My job.
Oh, but why, master? Just because you are an expert on children No, I'm not an expert on children, and Dr.
Bellows knows that.
Oh, he cannot prove it.
Oh, yes, he can.
He's bringing his nephew over here tonight, and from what I'm led to believe, his nephew is the youngest juvenile delinquent on record.
And if I don't make that kid into a bundle of love before the evening is out, I'm finished.
Finished.
Over.
Finished.
Oh, well, that is easy, master.
I will show you the chapter You'll do nothing.
Oh, but, master You leave that kid alone.
If that is what you wish.
That's what I wish.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh! How do you get yourself into these things? [STAMMERS.]
[.]
TONY: Oh, hello, Dr.
Bellows.
Good evening, Major Nelson.
This is my nephew, Richard.
Oh, hello, Richard.
Uh, you look like a fine young man.
You an astronaut? Uh, yes, yes.
You wanna be an astronaut when you grow up? You think I'm some kind of a creep? Uh, tell him what you're going to do when you grow up, Richard.
I'm gonna join the Mafia.
[LAUGHING.]
TONY: Um Has anybody ever given him a spanking? Lots of times, but nobody ever spanks me more than once.
Oh, is that right? Oh, yes.
Uh, tell him why, Richard.
'Cause every time somebody spanks me, I set fire to somethin'.
You wanna try it? Uh, no, no, no.
Uh, well, I'll, uh, just run along and leave you two to each other.
No, no, you're not gonna You have three hours, major.
You're not gonna leave him him? Doctor? Uh Say, uh, uh [CHUCKLES.]
There, Richard, I spent a lot of time on that.
Hey, you know, I think we can work out our problems by talking and getting to understand each other, huh? You seem like a pretty bright fella.
My uncle, the head shrinker, says if you don't straighten me out tonight, you're in a bunch of trouble.
He say that, huh? Yeah, and you know somethin'? What? You're in a bunch of trouble.
Got anything to eat around here? Yeah Oh, sure, sure.
We got cookies and milk Hold this.
[.]
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh, General Peterson.
Tony, forgive me for barging in on you like this.
That's quite all right, sir.
What can I do for you? Why, it's about that book you wrote.
Book? Congratulations.
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.]
I had no idea that you that you knew so much about raising children.
It's Uh, I really don't know that much about it, sir.
I It's just an instinctive thing, I suppose.
Well, now, don't be modest.
When a book like that gets to be a bestseller, there's gotta be a good reason for it.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, uh, I suppose there is, sir.
Uh, thank you for dropping by to congratulate me on it.
Well, I didn't come by just for that, Tony.
I Well, I have a little granddaughter, 11 years old.
Uh, she's a nice girl, but she's terribly shy, and because of that, she's withdrawn in a kind of a protective shell.
It's It's ruining her life.
We can't even get her to talk anymore.
Oh, if you help us, Tony, I certainly would appreciate it.
Well, I I I'd like to try, sir, but I I'm really not qualified Dr.
Bellows doesn't even believe that you wrote it.
This time we're really gonna teach him a lesson, aren't we? [BOTH CHUCKLING.]
Yeah.
Gina.
Oh Gina.
Oh, uh, this is my little granddaughter, Gina.
Uh, this is Major Nelson.
How do you do, Gina? Uh, Gina's gonna have a birthday party next week aren't you, Gina? Now Now, you stay here You stay here with Major Nelson.
Oh, wait till Dr.
Bellows hears about this, heh.
I'll see you in about three hours.
Uh, sir And good luck, good luck.
Well, thank you, but I Uh, keep it.
[BUZZING.]
Uh, Gina Gina, why don't you go upstairs and play, huh? I'll I'll be up in just Just one minute.
What are ya doin'? Makin' a mess.
So are you gonna spank me? Uh, give me those things.
Listen, you shouldn't be H-h-how'd you like to, uh? To play with a pretty little girl, huh? Where is she? No, I guess that's not such a good idea, after all.
[.]
I want you to clean this place Would you stop that? I want you to clean this place up, understand? I'll be back in about two minutes.
Master.
Oh.
What is it? Is he not a darling boy? A darling boy? That kid wants to join the Mafia.
You know what? I don't think they'll take him.
Master, he is not that bad.
Do you know what I would do with him? No, but I know what I'd do with him.
That's against the law.
I've got a kid upstairs I can't make talk, and I got a kid in the kitchen that I can't turn my back on.
Now I gotta keep 'em apart.
Oh.
[.]
[SIGHS.]
Hi there.
I brought you something.
How would you like some cookies and milk, huh? Oh, say, you're not afraid of me, are you, Gina? Yeah, come on, you're You're too pretty to be shy.
Anybody ever tell you that? You're a beautiful young girl.
Uh, do you have any brothers or sisters? Hey, I bet you had You don't have anybody to talk to, do you? Gina, um How would you like to play with a rocket? Or a? A? A globe? I I bet you've never seen one like this? It's a real antique.
How about this telescope? I can show you, through this telescope, the Sea of Tranquility.
It's on the moon.
I'm gonna be landing there one of these days.
Look, Gina I'm just trying to help.
Oh.
Look.
Say, look here.
Here's a doll.
Her name is Heh.
It's Jeannie.
[BUZZING.]
You You You wait right here.
I'll I'll be back.
What's going on around here, huh? [SCREAMS.]
It took me three weeks to make that.
Back to the old drawing board.
Richard.
Come here.
You know, Richard, you shouldn't touch something that belongs to somebody else.
Now, I'll tell you what.
I've got the makings for a new plane out in the patio.
Now, why don't you go out there and build it, hm? That's kids' stuff.
Oh, no, it isn't.
It takes quite a bit of intelligence to build one.
My IQ is 170.
What's yours? Forget it.
Well, how are we getting along, Gina? Feeling any better, huh? Wh? What did we talk about, hm? Uh, look, darling, I I don't know how to explain this, but we don't have a lot of time.
You see, I've gotta get you talking before your grandfather comes back to pick you up.
You're a very sweet young girl, and I And I'm sure you have a lot to say.
All you need is a little sympathetic understanding.
And believe me, I'm a sympathetic guy.
[STUTTERING.]
Ju Just Just talk to me.
Just say the first thing that comes into your mind.
I smell smoke.
[LAUGHING.]
You see? You see how easy that was? Three little words: I smell smoke.
[LAUGHING.]
Wonderful.
Yee Oh Well, oh Master.
Oh.
Later.
You think I'm gonna fall for an old gag like that, huh? [COUGHS.]
What do you think you're doin'? I was making some rocket fuel.
Yeah? Well, stay away from the stove.
And And clean this mess up.
And fix that plane! Master.
Oh.
If you would read chapter 17, it says here Cha? Read? I don't have time to read.
My whole life is going down the drain.
But What? No.
Well, have you thought of any games for us to play, huh? Huh? What's the matter, Gina? [CRYING.]
I want to go home.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh.
That's Dr.
Bellows.
I You just You just stay right here, honey.
Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
[.]
I'm back.
Has it been three hours already? Why, yes, it has.
Yeah, it's amazing how time will pass when you're having fun.
Have you been having fun? A ball.
A ba Richard's a wonderful kid.
A really wonderful kid.
Uh, Richard? Sure, oh, yes, yes, yes.
It's All he needs is a little understanding.
It's amazing how much fun you can have when you understand each other.
We've been having such a good time, I was wondering if he can spend the night.
I could bring him over in the morning Major Nelson.
We could Major Nelson.
Yes, sir.
Where is he? Who? Uh, oh, Richard.
I'm sorry.
Yes, he's Well, he's out on the patio assembling some model airplanes we've been working on.
He didn't smash them? Mm, well, there were a couple of little accidents.
Nothing important.
Uh, yes.
Uh, may I see him now? Uh, well, I'd rather you didn't Uh, now, major.
[SIGHING.]
Yeah.
[.]
PETERSON: Gentlemen.
Ah, good evening, general.
Yes, yes, general.
How are you, sir? Good evening.
How is Gina? Gina? Oh, wonderful.
Wonderful kid.
Just a charming girl.
Aren't you proud of him, doctor? I will be as soon as I see my nephew changed into a well-behaved little boy.
Richard? Uh, doctor Uh, general You don't have to say a word, major.
The evidence will speak for itself.
Intelligent to make a model as beautiful as that.
I didn't make it.
I just fixed it.
Most girls would think that's kids' stuff.
GINA: Oh, no, I think it's wonderful.
You do? Really? I'm making a rocket at home.
I don't believe it.
Gina's talking.
Come over and see it sometime.
BELLOWS: I certainly owe you an apology, Major Nelson.
How in the world did you ever do it? Chapter 13.
[CHUCKLES.]
May I see you to your car? Mm-hm.
[GIGGLING.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Amazing.
How'd you say you did that? Yeah, read the book, sir.
Oh, I did, I did.
It all seemed so terribly simple in school.
Good night, major.
Oh, good night, sir.
And thanks [CHUCKLES.]
Oh, yeah.
[SIGHS.]
I-I-I hope you're happy, master.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, thank you, Jeannie.
Thank you very much.
There's only one problem.
Well, what is that, master? If you used magic on those children Oh, but I did not.
I did not.
All I did was bring them together.
Yeah, and then what happened? Oh, you must read the last chapter, master.
It is about boys and girls.
[.]
[.]