I Dream of Jeannie (1965) s02e17 Episode Script

[.]
Is there any more coffee, Jeannie? Oh, thank you.
Master.
Hm? Why do you not work at home today? Is this not much nicer than a stuffy, old office? No, it's not a stuffy, old office.
Besides, Roger's gonna be picking me up in a few minutes.
We have a conference with General Peterson.
And I'm taking up a 104 with some experimental equipment on it.
Now, that's not stuffy.
And you find that exciting? It's not supposed to be exciting.
Well, then why do you do it? 'Cause I like it.
Good morning, Major Healey.
Oh, hi, Roge.
Come on out.
Roge? What's wrong? Look, uh, we'd better get over to the office.
We have a meeting in, uh, Well, you got time for a cup of coffee.
Very nice.
Sit down.
Tell me what's worrying you.
Oh, what could be worrying me when I have a friend like you? Have you had any other nice wishes today? What's on your mind? There's nothing on my mind.
I'll tell you what's on my mind.
You know what's on my mind? If I had my own private genie and my best friend wanted to borrow her from me, I'd let him.
Oh, not again.
Roger, we've been through all this.
Jeannie won't do me any harm.
Oh, of course not.
You see? She won't mean to, but that's what will happen, anyway.
Well, you know that.
I don't want to keep her.
All I want is three little wishes.
No.
Two wishes? Roger.
One teensy-weensy wish? Oh, please, may I, master? Listen, I'll never ask you another thing in my whole life.
Just one wish.
What have you got to lose? I don't know.
I haven't heard the wish yet.
All right, go ahead, give him a wish.
[GIGGLES.]
All I want is one One? One wish? You're going to give me a wish? Oh! Only one now.
Don't go crazy.
Go crazy? I'm the richest man in the whole world.
Oh, am I rich.
Yachts, chateaus.
Ah.
You wish to be the richest man in the whole world.
No! Oh, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Maybe I should look like Gregory Peck.
Ah, can you imagine all those girls falling in love with me? Ah Gregory Peck.
Wait! Wait a minute, wait a minute.
With all that money, I don't have to look like Gregory Peck.
With all that money, I should live long enough to spend it.
Maybe I should wish for a long life.
Long life.
Oh, wait! Roger, would you hurry up? We got a meeting, remember? Hold your tongue, will ya? You may be talking to the next president of the United States.
Can you imagine that? The president of the United States.
Oh, I'm so sorry, Tony.
Oh, I wished I hadn't done that.
Oh, Jeannie, you're wonderful.
And I wished I hadn't done that.
I wished I hadn't done it? Oh, no! [.]
[.]
[.]
You can't do this to the next president of the United States.
You said one wish.
And you've had it.
You mean, I've been had.
Oh, I am sorry, Major Healey, but you did wish for the stain to disappear.
That's right.
Thanks, Roge.
Oh, thanks, think nothing of it.
That's the only 5 billion dollar stain in history.
Goodbye, Jeannie.
Wait a minute! You mean that was my wish? That's right.
Oh, wait.
Stains don't count.
[ARGUING.]
[.]
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE.]
[HOSE BLOWING AIR.]
Boy, these flies are killing me.
Whew! Get 'em.
Get 'em, get 'em.
Hey, hey.
Will ya? Will ya? I'm I'm sorry.
Whew.
Listen, I wanna Oh.
Sorry.
Look at the grease on that thing.
All right, what were you saying? Oh, I was just saying that, uh I was just saying Oh, Major Nelson.
Hey, look out! Roger, what are you doing? Oh, I'm so I don't understand.
I just saw you smear him with that grease, and his uniform is absolutely clean.
Yes.
Yes, it is, isn't it? Well, how do you explain that, Major Nelson? Well, there's really nothing to explain, sir.
I know what I saw.
Yeah, Roger, will you put that thing down? Just put it down.
We gotta stop horsing around.
[YELPS.]
Your blouse won't get dirty.
Yeah, it must be the experiment we're working on, sir.
This is the most incredible thing I've ever seen.
And since you've been here, Major Nelson, I've seen some pretty incredible things.
Yeah.
Well, there's nothing to it, sir.
It's the simplest thing in the world.
How do you do it? It's the X Factor, sir.
You just, uh, spray this fluid on the material, and it keeps it from permeating.
Remarkable.
Yes.
Well, if you'll excuse us, we have a briefing.
Briefing.
What do you mean? Oh, briefing.
ROGER: Briefing.
Let's don't be late for the briefing.
Oh, general, I've got to talk to you.
Is anything wrong? Wrong? Oh, uh, just a moment, sir.
Oh, captain, would you please see the general isn't disturbed? Thank you.
General Peterson, unless I miss my guess, we'll be showing this to the president of the United States by nightfall.
Looks like a can of fly spray.
It might look like a can of fly spray, sir, but it's probably the most exciting discovery ever made.
Would you mind standing up? You want me to stand up? Please, general.
Well, uh, what does it do? You'll see, general.
You'll see.
It has a X Factor in it.
Now, first we spray on the X Factor, then we put on some black grease.
Just like this.
Now, you watch.
Watch closely.
Tea? Yeah.
No, no, no.
Oh, I wish I hadn't blown that wish this morning.
You oughta consider yourself lucky.
It's the first time I've ever known Jeannie to grant a wish and not have it cause a disaster.
A disaster? Yeah.
Oh, a disaster.
Wait a minute.
You know how big this is? A material that's indestructible? Indestructible? Who said? Listen, when Jeannie blinks, she doesn't fool around.
Of course not.
Say, you know you've stumbled on something really marvelous.
Oh, do you really think so, master? Yeah.
Do you have any idea what this could do to the housewives all over the world? Well, they'll never have to wash clothes or mend anything.
Nothing will ever get dirty.
Or torn.
Or torn, right.
Torn.
What are you doing? What are you doing to my? Well, what are you gonna do? I want to cut a piece out of this and have it analyzed.
What are you doing? I broke the scissors.
The scissors.
I saw it.
Your blouse broke the scissors.
Well, how do you explain that, major? Well, it's part of the same experiment we're working on.
Well, then why didn't the other fluid work? Oh, the other? Well, it, uh, probably wasn't fresh.
No, it has to be fresh.
Right.
Exactly.
Is this fresh? Yes.
Oh, we just got it.
If you don't mind, I'll take this.
Why don't he get his own coffee? Tea.
Tea.
Believe me, general, I know what went wrong.
The X Factor wasn't fresh.
The X Factor wasn't fresh.
I've just seen this demonstrated.
Watch the scissors break.
Did you realize we can make anything in the world with this material? We can make suits and dresses and fabrics.
There's no limit to what we can do.
Roger, we're not gonna make anything out of it.
Oh, but why, master? Well, think, Jeannie, if this ever got on the market, it could Well, it could destroy our whole economy.
I don't think there'd be a fabric firm in existence.
It would affect, uh Well, tailoring establishments, and, uh, cleaning and And clothing manufacturers, and finally, it'd get down to trucks and rail road cars and gasoline.
You dirty blouse.
Let's destroy it before it destroys us.
How are you going to destroy it? I'm gonna burn it.
Here.
But I do not think it will burn, master.
I wasn't planning on using a match.
[.]
I'll hold the torch, Tony.
You light it.
There we are.
Here.
You hold it.
Let's get this thing There we are.
Stand back.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
ROGER: Watch that we don't burn the garage down.
All right.
Let's give this a try.
There's not a mark on it.
I can't believe it.
I don't believe it, either.
But I I just saw it.
BELLOWS: You shot that flame at this blouse.
TONY: Yes, I I Yes, I did.
You saw it, Major Healey.
Well, I And this blouse is untouched.
You said so yourself.
Did I? Yeah.
Oh, I did.
Yes.
Don't think I don't know what you're up to.
You're trying to keep this to yourself.
TONY: Oh, no, sir.
It's just not ready yet.
BELLOWS: I want the secret formula that you used on this, major.
The X Factor.
Uh, we just ran out, sir.
As a matter of fact, we just ran out right now.
What's this? "Secret Formula.
" Uh-huh.
"X Factor.
" This is it.
Oh, no, sir.
That's really not it.
It's not I'll just take this with me.
[STAMMERING.]
Sir, you see, it's not It's still in the experimental stage.
Mm, Major Nelson, I want you to keep yourself available.
Unless I miss my guess, within 24 hours, we're going to be at the White House.
Now, keep your eye on the blouse, general.
It won't even be touched.
[.]
[.]
Here.
Let me get it for you.
Are you moving to another office, sir? You might say that.
Permanently.
I beg your pardon, sir? Oh, haven't they told you? General Peterson has transferred me out of Cape Kennedy.
Why? Because he's found a place where he thinks I might be more useful.
I'm going to Iceland.
Sir? To work with the Eskimo.
Why would General Peterson do a thing like that? Your X Factor, major.
My what? Well, I, uh I tried to show General Peterson how it worked.
I destroyed three of his uniforms.
You didn't.
I don't understand it, but, uh, the X Factor seems only to have worked for you, yes? Sir, if I knew you were gonna do a thing like that, I would have stopped you.
Would you? Yes.
I'm sorry I couldn't have stayed around here long enough to find out what makes you tick.
Next to me, you're probably the most interesting psychiatric case I've ever come across.
Next to you, sir? Yes.
Sometimes I think I'm losing my mind.
One minute I'm rational and then the next minute You do things that Oh, well, maybe the Eskimos will be good for me.
They're simple people.
They don't float in the air or change the days of the week or control the weather.
Sir, perhaps if I have a word with General Peterson myself It won't do any good.
He's in a very upset state.
I, uh When I left him, he was bellowing.
No, I I wouldn't go in there if I were you.
Uh, sir, perhaps Oh, I'd appreciate it very much if you'd write to me from time to time and, uh, let me know what you're doing.
Yes, sir.
Good luck, sir.
Thank you.
[WHISTLES.]
Quartermaster? Oh, hi, captain.
Yeah, this is Major Healey.
Mm-hm.
Look, I was just wondering, how much do we spend a year on uniforms? Oh, that much.
Look, I was just wondering, uh, what would you think about this, uh What if I came up with a uniform that if you put grease on it, it wouldn't spot.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
And you couldn't cut it.
I mean, you couldn't tear it or rip it or anything.
Or, if you put a torch to it, it wouldn't burn.
[LINE CLICKS.]
Captain? Why would I keep Dr.
Bellows here? He's dangerous.
Well, sir, I've worked with Dr.
Bellows for the last two years.
And believe me, he's a man I know what he is.
He walked into this office, said we were going to Washington, D.
C.
, put some fly spray on me, and he smeared grease all over my uniform.
Yes, but I-I Then he came back with a pair of scissors, put some tea on me and started cutting up another uniform.
And then he came in, and he set fire to this.
Kind of scorched it.
I-I-I don't suppose it could be patched.
I've got to get him out of here before I run out of clothes.
Look what I gotta wear! Well, uh, you see, Dr.
Bellows is rather highly-strung, sir.
Highly-strung? He's snapped.
I'm sure if you'd give him another chance, general, he would be If I gave him another chance, by next Monday I'd be naked.
No, sir.
Let the Eskimos worry about him for a while.
Well, I feel partially responsible for this, general.
You see, Dr.
Bellows saw Major Healey and I conducting an experiment, and he thought we were able to take an ordinary piece of cloth and make it practically indestructible.
Tony, I admire loyalty in any man.
I'm only coming to his defense, sir, because I don't want to see an injustice done.
Tony, I want to give you a little advice.
Yes, sir.
It's the same advice I'd give you if you were my own son.
Yes, sir.
Get out.
[.]
Check.
[SIGHS.]
[LAUGHS.]
Checkmate.
Congratulations.
Oh, thank you, master.
Is anything wrong? They're sending Dr.
Bellows to Iceland.
Oh! And this does not please you? No.
It does not please me.
Oh, well, where would you like him to go? I wouldn't like him to go anywhere.
Jeannie, Dr.
Bellows is being punished for something that was not his fault.
And would you like to know whose fault it is? Hm, no, I do not think so.
One little wish.
You grant Roger Healey one little wish, and we lose Dr.
Bellows.
He's a very good man.
This base can't afford to lose him.
Well, did you explain this to General Peterson? General Peterson.
He just tossed me out of his office.
He He toss [GRUNTING.]
Now, wait a minute! Now, don't, please.
Not General Peterson.
I don't need that.
No, I really don't need that.
Well, surely there must be someone above General Peterson? Yeah.
Well, there's General Burke.
That's his immediate superior.
But he's at the Pentagon.
How would I ever explain that to him? Oh, do not worry, master.
I will explain it.
Yeah [.]
Oh! [JEANNIE'S VOICE.]
Good afternoon, airman.
Yes? Ah, it's General Patterson.
Peterson.
Ah, of course.
I'm Colonel Harris.
General Burke sent me.
Well, I'm very happy to know you, colonel.
General Burke here? Here? No, he'll be down later.
He wanted me to tell you how pleased he is with the work you've been doing, general.
Is he? Well, we all try to do our best.
We have a good team here, you know.
Those are the general's exact words.
Um, may I tell you something in confidence? Why, certainly, colonel.
The reason the general is coming here is to give a special commendation to one of the members of your team.
Well, that's wonderful.
Who is he? Uh, Dr.
Bellows.
Dr.
Bellows.
Uh, General Burke says he's been doing a great job.
Well, where is he, general? Well, as a matter of fact, Dr.
Bellows is Is just leaving on a little trip.
He may even be gone by now.
General Burke is gonna be surprised to hear you could spare him.
But I suppose it's just for the weekend.
You know, General Burke and Dr.
Bellows are old classmates.
Old classmates.
I didn't know that.
Oh, yes.
General Burke thinks the world of Dr.
Bellows.
He does? Yes, they're cousins.
They're cousins.
First cousins.
Well, I don't think Dr.
Bellows will be going away on that trip after all.
You tell General Burke I'd find it hard to get along without him.
Oh, goody! Um, uh, the General will be pleased to hear that.
Will you excuse me for a moment, colonel? Just make yourself at home.
[LAUGHING.]
Whee! Oh, Dr.
Bellows, I Yes, general? What are you doing? Doing? I'm packing.
Packing? Where you going? Where am I going? You've sent me to Siberia Um, I mean, Iceland.
Do you know the trouble with you, doctor? [CHUCKLING.]
You're too sensitive.
I'm too sensitive? Well, you don't really think we could get along around here without you, did ya? But, general, you ordered me to pack my things and get out.
[CHUCKLING.]
Oh.
And you thought I meant it? Didn't you? Well, as I was just saying to a friend of your cousin's, I couldn't possibly get along without you.
My cousin's? After all, uh, what's a few uniforms? General, you mean I don't have to leave Cape Kennedy? Why, I wouldn't dream of letting ya go.
I'll deduct the uniforms from your pay.
I don't know what to say.
Well, don't say anything.
And Doctor? Yes? Try to get plenty of rest.
I certainly will.
Oh, and I'm awfully sorry about your uniforms.
Oh, forget it.
Oh, I'll never forget it, general.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
So Jeannie came back here, and she called General Peterson and told him that General Burke would not be able to make it until the later part of the month.
Oh, that's marvelous.
Well, I guess the old quack is still with us.
He's not a quack, Roger.
He's a very competent man.
Oh, I enjoyed getting him out of trouble.
Mm.
Well, you should.
You enjoyed getting him into it enough.
I did not.
You did too.
Are you finished? Huh? Yeah.
Look, Jeannie I did not.
You did too.
Listen, I know you didn't mean to [ARGUING.]
Wait a minute, will ya? I'm the one that got cheated out of the wish.
I didn't get to finish my strawberry shortcake.
Now, all I want is one wish.
What's wrong with that? No, no, Roger.
Just one.
I'm not gonna grant Now, wait a minute.
Please, master, may I, please? Now, don't you start on me.
She wants to give me I've had enough of this.
No! No All right! All right! All right? You mean you're gonna give me one wish? Oh, boy! I'm rich.
Oh, yachts and chateaus.
Chateaus and yachts.
Yeah, I got it.
Wait, no.
Wait, wait, wait! I'll be a rich movie star, that's it.
A movie star.
Movie star? Rich movie star.
No, no, no, no! Oh, wait.
Maybe I should be a brain surgeon.
Brain surgeon.
Roger, you know, you're the funniest man I've ever met.
You know something? You know what I wished when I was a little boy? I-I wished I were the funniest man in the world.
Here, you hold this and I'll hold this.
Aw.
Hi, Groucho.
[.]