I Dream of Jeannie (1965) s02e19 Episode Script
You Can't Arrest Me... I Don't Have a Driver's License
[.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
I am ready, master.
Hm? Oh.
Oh, good, good.
Shall we leave now? Uh, leave for where? [CHUCKLING.]
Why? Why'd you do that, Jeannie? Because you said that we were going for a drive, and I am ready.
Oh, I love to ride in your car.
Oh, uh, I'm I'm sorry, I can't take you for a drive today.
You promised.
Yea I I know I did, Jeannie, but I have an awful lot of work to do.
[STAMMERING.]
It's very technical.
Would you mind giving me my papers back, huh? [SIGHS.]
Oh, well, thank you.
Oh, thanks.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
You, uh, you are sure that you cannot go for a drive today? Yes, I'm I'm, uh I'm positive.
Maybe tomorrow, huh? It is such a pretty car.
Perhaps I could go driving without you.
Yeah, yeah, why don't you do that.
Thank you, master.
[ENGINE STARTS.]
Jeannie.
Jeannie! Jeannie! [TIRES SQUEAL.]
Jeannie! Jeannie! [.]
[.]
[.]
[.]
[HORN HONKS.]
[TIRES SCREECH.]
Oh, I [CHUCKLES.]
Hi, how are ya, Dr.
Bellows? Are you all right, sir? I was until I got on the street where you live.
That was your car that I just saw moving down the street without a driver in it, wasn't it? Hm? Oh, yes, yes, well, I can explain that Uh, don't explain it, Major Nelson.
I'm gonna try to convince myself that this never happened.
Drop in any time, sir.
[.]
[TIRES SCREECH.]
[HONKING.]
[ALL CARS HONKING.]
Good morning, officer.
Is something wrong? Do you know this is a one-way street? Mm.
I was only going one way.
Very amusing, but you went through a red light to get here.
Let me see your driver's license.
My what? Your license to drive.
Do you have one? Oh, yes, but it is a little old.
You mean, it's expired? To tell you the truth, I would not be at all surprised.
Uh, let's see it.
There is a license to drive a chariot.
Yes, I told you it was a little old.
Is this your car? Oh, no, Major Nelson let me borrow it.
Here.
Thank you.
It is very pretty.
[GIGGLES.]
Uh, what do I do with it? Bring it with you when you come to court Monday morning.
Court? Oh, I do not think Major Nelson would like it if I went to court.
You have a nice face.
I am sure you would not want to see Major Nelson unhappy.
If you will forget about everything, I will give you anything you wish.
Are you, um, offering me money? If that is what you wish.
How much? Oh, how much would you like? Ten dollars? If that is what you want.
Attempted bribery, $10.
Twenty dollars? Twenty dollars.
[HORNS HONKING.]
All right.
All right! May I go now? Not in this car you can't.
But why not? Because this isn't a chariot.
You don't have a license, lady.
Well, what are you going to do with the car? I'm going to have it towed in.
Would you step out, please? [ALL CARS HONKING.]
You went down a one-way street the wrong way.
Well, that is what the policeman said, but the red light was so tiny, I did not see And you went through a red light? Y-yes, but it was not my fault.
And they towed the car away? Oh, yes, master.
But But otherwise, I had no problem at all.
[CHUCKLING.]
Yeah.
Jeannie, you You I gotta get my car back.
Well, have you, uh, talked to the police yet? Yeah, I talked to the sergeant at the desk.
He said an officer named Anderson gave Jeannie the ticket.
Anderson.
Don Anderson.
Don Anderson.
I've heard that name before.
He was written up in Theme magazine for giving more tickets than any other policeman in America.
Oh, that guy.
How'd you get mixed up with him? Roger, I didn't get mixed up with him.
Jeannie got mixed What's the matter with you? Well, Dr.
Bellows could probably get your car back.
He has the whole Air Force behind him.
Naw, he'd never do it.
He'd say I deserved what I was getting by lending my car to somebody who'd Who'd, uh Hey, wait a minute.
I can get my car back within the hour.
What do you mean? I know how to get Dr.
Bellows to do it for me.
Oh, that should be easy.
All you have to do is to tell him that you lent your car to a genie who hasn't driven in 2000 years, and she's a little rusty.
No, no, all I need to use is a little psychology.
[.]
Guy finally gets a genie, and they took his car away.
I'm sorry I'm late with these lab reports, sir.
I would have been here sooner, but I had to wait for a taxi.
Taxi? Where's your car? You mean, the secret experimental car that you saw me in this morning? Mm.
Well, the police have it.
Uh, that's about it, sir.
I think I'd better get back to work.
Just a moment.
Yes, sir.
Did you say the police have it? [CHUCKLING.]
Oh, yes, sir.
They impounded it for some minor traffic and violation.
It's nothing really important.
Major Nelson.
Yes, sir.
It's full of secret equipment and you let it fall into the hands of the police? Well, there's really nothing I could do about it.
They just took it.
Well, they're not gonna get away with that.
The name of the officer that impounded it is named Don Anderson.
Pretty tough guy.
Oh, tough? Yeah.
So is the Air Force.
Hello? Sergeant.
Get me the police commissioner.
You'll have your car back within an hour.
No, I don't know, sir.
I don't think they'll give it back.
Don Anderson Oh, won't he? Well, we'll see about that.
[.]
I see.
Uh I wasn't aware of that, sir.
Thank you, commissioner.
The Air Force appreciates it, sir.
Goodbye.
Well, you didn't give me all the facts in the case, major.
The facts, sir? You allowed a young lady to drive this secret car of yours.
Oh, that, yes, well, uh This Officer Anderson, who issued the summons, is objecting strenuously, but because of the military secrecy involved, the commissioner's agreed to drop all the charges.
Oh, that's wonderful, sir.
You certainly handled this brilliantly, I must say.
Mm, didn't I.
I don't know anyone who could've done so well.
Well, after all, I am a psychiatrist.
We deal in all kinds of situations.
Those years of study have really paid off, haven't they? Well, I'll go pick up the car.
Oh, major.
Yes? I think this is the first time I've ever had a snow job in July.
That's all, major.
[.]
Oh, he is back.
Oh, master! Master, you got our car back.
Not our car.
No, no, my car.
You're not to go near that car, Jeannie.
You mean, I cannot drive anymore? Yes, that's exactly what I mean.
Oh, but I love to drive.
It is more fun than a flying carpet.
Jeannie, you are not If you go near that car, I'm gonna get in a lot of trouble.
Oh.
Well, I do not want you to get into trouble.
That's a good girl.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Say, uh, Jeannie, how'd you like a bicycle? I'm sorry I'm not a better driver, master.
Oh, that's all right.
[SIGHS.]
I am too stupid to learn.
Oh, no, you're not, it's just, well, our laws are different.
It's not like driving in the old days.
You're right, master.
I could never learn to drive here.
Sure, you could.
It's easy.
Well, I don't know, it would take me 100 years to learn.
Jeannie, I could teach you in an hour, just like that, really.
Could you, master? Sure.
I am ready.
You are the most wonderful master in the whole world.
But not the brightest.
[CHUCKLES.]
All right, I'm gonna teach you about intersections.
I want you to go back to that one-way street.
Oh, I want to learn, master.
With me in the car, there's nothing to worry about.
Okay, start her up.
[ENGINE STARTS.]
[TIRES SQUEAL.]
We're coming to the one-way street, turn left.
Left.
Right.
Right.
Huh? [TIRES SQUEAL.]
[ALL CARS HONKING.]
Jeannie, do you know what you've done to me? You've done it to me again.
Uh, hello, officer.
Having a good time? I'll just move it out of the way right now.
You were driving from the wrong side of the car.
Oh, yes, well, it's one of these cars we used to Hey, wait a minute, I've seen this car before Aren't you Major Anthony Nelson? Yes, yes, that's correct, United States Air Force.
I've sure been anxious to get your autograph.
Oh, I'd be glad to give it to you.
Violation of city ordinances Here you are, please sign right there.
[.]
[.]
ROGER: "Astronaut who found his way through space gets lost on a one-way street .
" [WHISTLES.]
Hi, Tony, I'm just reading about you.
Did you, uh, see the front page yet? Yes, I've seen it, and Dr.
Bellows has seen it, and General Peterson has seen it, and It's a good picture of you.
A good picture? What are you talking about? I don't go around like that.
Wait a minute, what happened? I was teaching Jeannie how to drive.
I should've had my head examined.
I think you're going to.
Yeah? I have been looking for you, Major Nelson.
Yes, sir.
I've just had a meeting with General Peterson about you.
Oh, how is the general? The general is upset.
He just had a call from Washington from General Burke.
General Burke is upset.
Well, if you ask me, the whole thing's pretty funny.
Oh, uh, do you? The press has been calling me all morning.
They're having quite a field day with this little joke.
Oh, is that right, sir.
Well, I'm sure they'll forget about it as soon as you call the police commissioner again and Well, General Peterson has asked me not to call anyone.
You see, uh, Officer Anderson, who issued the ticket to your friend, is complaining that, uh, the Air Force has exercised undue influence.
Sounds like a troublemaker to me.
General Peterson asked me to tell you that from now on, you're on your own.
Do you understand, major? Oh, yes, yes, sir.
Oh, nice picture of you, major.
And, uh, we'll be reading the newspapers very closely.
You see, even Dr.
Bellows likes it.
Huh? Aw.
Boy, listen to him, you'd think you'd committed a murder or something.
All you did was go down a one-way street the wrong way.
Hey, that's pretty funny when you think about it.
A one-way street [BOTH LAUGHING.]
Yeah, I just hope the judge thinks it's that funny.
Well, you shouldn't have had Dr.
Bellows fix that ticket.
They're really mad now.
When Officer Anderson gets you in front of that court He's going to love you.
Huh? Oh, why didn't I think about this before.
All you have to do is apologize.
What are you talking about? Just say you're sorry.
Have a nice man to man talk with him.
Yeah, I don't know, Roge.
Doesn't sound like it would work Well, you got nothing to lose.
Yeah, and I suppose it I could try it.
I could go down to the station and ask the desk sergeant if he could put me on No, no, no, don't go to the station.
Too cold.
Go to his house.
That's nice and friendly.
Nice and warm, and remember: Yeah? BOTH: Be jolly nice.
[.]
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Uh, Officer Anderson? Yeah? Oh, hello, major.
Hello.
What do you want? Oh, I was just wondering if I could talk to you a couple of minutes.
Come on in.
Thank you.
What can I do for you, major? Frankly, I'd like to talk to you about the summons you gave me.
Oh, you would.
Yeah.
Just let me get a cigarette.
TONY: Of course.
[.]
ANDERSON: Thank you.
Sit down, major.
Oh, thank you.
Probably more comfortable.
Yes, I'm terribly sorry.
Say, uh, you, uh You have quite a reputation.
You, uh, I-I read the article in Theme magazine last week, and it was excellent, really excellent.
Oh, thank you.
You have quite a reputation yourself.
Well, that's part of the reason I wanted to talk to you.
I suppose being celebrities of a sort.
You mean, you came to talk to me about the ticket? Yes.
Um Well, I wanted to apologize for what happened.
You mean you admit you were wrong? Yes, I did make a mistake.
You violated the law.
Well, I-I don't want you to think it was intentional.
It certain But you did.
Yes, yes, I did, and, uh, I Now that I've said I'm sorry, I feel much better for it.
Um, I'm a serviceman myself.
I understand about duty.
Right, well, I'll see you in court on Monday.
Huh? Oh, thank you.
Well, it's certainly been nice talking to you, and Oh, what a splendid-looking, young chap.
Is this your son? My nephew.
Loves the space age.
Big fan of yours.
Oh, really.
Say, uh, I'll bet he would like a model of the X-15.
Is that an offer? Oh, well, yes, yes.
Oh, thank you.
If you would just give me his address, I could I beg your pardon.
I said if you could give me his address, I could send it immediately.
Oh, that won't be necessary, major.
The offer is all I wanted to hear.
Nice boy.
You just tried to bribe me.
[.]
[WHISTLES.]
Hi.
Oh, hi, Roge.
Hi, hi.
Can I talk to you a minute? I'm I'm sorry, I'm kind of busy right now, I'm going to court.
Yeah, well, that's what I'd like to talk to you about.
I'd like to go with you.
What for? Well, I thought maybe I could be your lawyer.
You don't have one, do you? I don't think I need a lawyer.
Well, that's where you almost made a very serious mistake.
You gotta have somebody speak for you.
It's just a small, little case.
It's a traffic case, you know.
There's nothing small or simple in law, you know.
What do you know about it? Well, I studied pre-law before I was an astronaut.
I probably could fix it up, so you wouldn't get a fine at all.
Hey, you did, you had a whole year of law.
Listen, if you can't help your best friend, why, who can you help? Hey, that's right.
You'll be out in two seconds.
You would be a lot better than me.
Just let me do all the talking.
Don't say anything.
TONY: Yeah.
JUDGE: You've heard the facts of the case, Mr.
Zane.
What have you got to say about it? ZANE: I have been stealing fruits, Your Honor, but I've been out of work for four months and have six kids at home to feed.
As soon as I get a job, I'll pay it all back.
Mm-hm.
All right.
I'm sorry, but I have to give you $30 or 30 days.
However, I'll suspend that sentence when restitution is made.
Look, don't worry about a thing.
Just leave it to me.
The meaner they are, the better I like 'em.
Don't do anything flashy.
Just leave it to me.
BAILIFF: Anthony Nelson.
That's us.
[.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Uh, Your Honor, I'm representing Major Nelson.
JUDGE: Is the arresting officer here? Officer Anderson, Your Honor.
Ah, the defendant is charged with, uh, going the wrong way down a one-way street.
Uh, sir, I We plead guilty.
I'd like to pay the fine.
And attempting to bribe an officer in the performance of his duty.
How do you plead? A-a-a bribe? A bribe.
A bribe.
A bribe.
Sir, could I talk to my client a couple of minutes? One minute.
One minute.
What's this about a bribe? You didn't tell me anything about a bribe Roge Roger, Roger, I promised Wait a minute, I promised to send his nephew a model of the X-15, that's all.
That's all? And he We'll fix him.
Your Honor, this whole thing has become ridiculous.
I would hardly call an offer of a model plane a bribe.
What do you have to say to that? ANDERSON: It wouldn't be an important bribe to you or to me, but to a 10-year-old boy, it would mean a lot.
And he was trying to reach me through that little boy.
Gee, that's right.
I never thought of it that way.
How could you possibly do that to a little boy? I don't believe that you could Oh, ahem, well, if Officer Anderson's going to take that attitude, my client and I are not gonna plead guilty to anything.
Don't worry about a thing.
They made a mistake.
They made me mad.
Since the defendant denies all the charges, does the arresting officer wish to offer evidence? Yes, Your Honor.
I was at the scene.
I saw Major Nelson violating the ordinances cited.
I object! JUDGE: Sit down.
Yes, sir.
For the record, could you identify Major Nelson? Certainly, Your Honor.
Major Nelson is right there.
[MAGIC BOINGS.]
And there.
There.
And there.
[LAUGHING.]
What are you talking about, Officer Anderson? Can you identify Major Nelson or not? ANDERSON: My eyes are a little blurred, Your Honor, but I-I would like to show the court a motion picture I took of Major Nelson's confession.
I think this will clear up any questions the court may have.
Uh, bailiff, please.
[.]
ANDERSON [ON SCREEN.]
: Hello, major.
Come on in.
Sit down here, major.
[GIGGLES.]
[WHACK.]
[ALL LAUGHING.]
[LAUGHING.]
Oh! [.]
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
Hey, did you see the look on Anderson's face when he ran that film? Yeah, now, look, I don't want you to be too amused, especially in front of Jeannie.
All right, come on, cool it.
Uh, Jeannie, would you come out, please? Did it go well, master? Oh, yes, yes, it just It went fine, Jeannie.
But I don't want you to think that all police officers are like Officer Anderson.
Oh, I do not, master.
Good, and in the future, you just stay out of his way, huh.
Oh, I will, master.
Hey, how about me in there, huh? Me, was I pretty good? Maybe I should've been a lawyer? [CHUCKLING.]
Yeah, sure.
Hey, you want to stay for dinner? No, I've gotta be going.
I'm having trouble with my car.
Can I use yours? Oh, sure.
May I have the keys, please? Are you going driving, Major Healey? No, Jeannie.
I'm going straight home.
I will drive you home.
Sure, you will, yeah.
[ENGINE REVVING.]
[.]
Jeannie.
Jeannie! Wait! Jeannie! Jeannie! Oh, oh, good morning, officer.
Watch it, don't turn, don't turn.
ROGER: Whoa, Jeannie.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Watch it.
Tony! [YELLING.]
[.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
I am ready, master.
Hm? Oh.
Oh, good, good.
Shall we leave now? Uh, leave for where? [CHUCKLING.]
Why? Why'd you do that, Jeannie? Because you said that we were going for a drive, and I am ready.
Oh, I love to ride in your car.
Oh, uh, I'm I'm sorry, I can't take you for a drive today.
You promised.
Yea I I know I did, Jeannie, but I have an awful lot of work to do.
[STAMMERING.]
It's very technical.
Would you mind giving me my papers back, huh? [SIGHS.]
Oh, well, thank you.
Oh, thanks.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
You, uh, you are sure that you cannot go for a drive today? Yes, I'm I'm, uh I'm positive.
Maybe tomorrow, huh? It is such a pretty car.
Perhaps I could go driving without you.
Yeah, yeah, why don't you do that.
Thank you, master.
[ENGINE STARTS.]
Jeannie.
Jeannie! Jeannie! [TIRES SQUEAL.]
Jeannie! Jeannie! [.]
[.]
[.]
[.]
[HORN HONKS.]
[TIRES SCREECH.]
Oh, I [CHUCKLES.]
Hi, how are ya, Dr.
Bellows? Are you all right, sir? I was until I got on the street where you live.
That was your car that I just saw moving down the street without a driver in it, wasn't it? Hm? Oh, yes, yes, well, I can explain that Uh, don't explain it, Major Nelson.
I'm gonna try to convince myself that this never happened.
Drop in any time, sir.
[.]
[TIRES SCREECH.]
[HONKING.]
[ALL CARS HONKING.]
Good morning, officer.
Is something wrong? Do you know this is a one-way street? Mm.
I was only going one way.
Very amusing, but you went through a red light to get here.
Let me see your driver's license.
My what? Your license to drive.
Do you have one? Oh, yes, but it is a little old.
You mean, it's expired? To tell you the truth, I would not be at all surprised.
Uh, let's see it.
There is a license to drive a chariot.
Yes, I told you it was a little old.
Is this your car? Oh, no, Major Nelson let me borrow it.
Here.
Thank you.
It is very pretty.
[GIGGLES.]
Uh, what do I do with it? Bring it with you when you come to court Monday morning.
Court? Oh, I do not think Major Nelson would like it if I went to court.
You have a nice face.
I am sure you would not want to see Major Nelson unhappy.
If you will forget about everything, I will give you anything you wish.
Are you, um, offering me money? If that is what you wish.
How much? Oh, how much would you like? Ten dollars? If that is what you want.
Attempted bribery, $10.
Twenty dollars? Twenty dollars.
[HORNS HONKING.]
All right.
All right! May I go now? Not in this car you can't.
But why not? Because this isn't a chariot.
You don't have a license, lady.
Well, what are you going to do with the car? I'm going to have it towed in.
Would you step out, please? [ALL CARS HONKING.]
You went down a one-way street the wrong way.
Well, that is what the policeman said, but the red light was so tiny, I did not see And you went through a red light? Y-yes, but it was not my fault.
And they towed the car away? Oh, yes, master.
But But otherwise, I had no problem at all.
[CHUCKLING.]
Yeah.
Jeannie, you You I gotta get my car back.
Well, have you, uh, talked to the police yet? Yeah, I talked to the sergeant at the desk.
He said an officer named Anderson gave Jeannie the ticket.
Anderson.
Don Anderson.
Don Anderson.
I've heard that name before.
He was written up in Theme magazine for giving more tickets than any other policeman in America.
Oh, that guy.
How'd you get mixed up with him? Roger, I didn't get mixed up with him.
Jeannie got mixed What's the matter with you? Well, Dr.
Bellows could probably get your car back.
He has the whole Air Force behind him.
Naw, he'd never do it.
He'd say I deserved what I was getting by lending my car to somebody who'd Who'd, uh Hey, wait a minute.
I can get my car back within the hour.
What do you mean? I know how to get Dr.
Bellows to do it for me.
Oh, that should be easy.
All you have to do is to tell him that you lent your car to a genie who hasn't driven in 2000 years, and she's a little rusty.
No, no, all I need to use is a little psychology.
[.]
Guy finally gets a genie, and they took his car away.
I'm sorry I'm late with these lab reports, sir.
I would have been here sooner, but I had to wait for a taxi.
Taxi? Where's your car? You mean, the secret experimental car that you saw me in this morning? Mm.
Well, the police have it.
Uh, that's about it, sir.
I think I'd better get back to work.
Just a moment.
Yes, sir.
Did you say the police have it? [CHUCKLING.]
Oh, yes, sir.
They impounded it for some minor traffic and violation.
It's nothing really important.
Major Nelson.
Yes, sir.
It's full of secret equipment and you let it fall into the hands of the police? Well, there's really nothing I could do about it.
They just took it.
Well, they're not gonna get away with that.
The name of the officer that impounded it is named Don Anderson.
Pretty tough guy.
Oh, tough? Yeah.
So is the Air Force.
Hello? Sergeant.
Get me the police commissioner.
You'll have your car back within an hour.
No, I don't know, sir.
I don't think they'll give it back.
Don Anderson Oh, won't he? Well, we'll see about that.
[.]
I see.
Uh I wasn't aware of that, sir.
Thank you, commissioner.
The Air Force appreciates it, sir.
Goodbye.
Well, you didn't give me all the facts in the case, major.
The facts, sir? You allowed a young lady to drive this secret car of yours.
Oh, that, yes, well, uh This Officer Anderson, who issued the summons, is objecting strenuously, but because of the military secrecy involved, the commissioner's agreed to drop all the charges.
Oh, that's wonderful, sir.
You certainly handled this brilliantly, I must say.
Mm, didn't I.
I don't know anyone who could've done so well.
Well, after all, I am a psychiatrist.
We deal in all kinds of situations.
Those years of study have really paid off, haven't they? Well, I'll go pick up the car.
Oh, major.
Yes? I think this is the first time I've ever had a snow job in July.
That's all, major.
[.]
Oh, he is back.
Oh, master! Master, you got our car back.
Not our car.
No, no, my car.
You're not to go near that car, Jeannie.
You mean, I cannot drive anymore? Yes, that's exactly what I mean.
Oh, but I love to drive.
It is more fun than a flying carpet.
Jeannie, you are not If you go near that car, I'm gonna get in a lot of trouble.
Oh.
Well, I do not want you to get into trouble.
That's a good girl.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Say, uh, Jeannie, how'd you like a bicycle? I'm sorry I'm not a better driver, master.
Oh, that's all right.
[SIGHS.]
I am too stupid to learn.
Oh, no, you're not, it's just, well, our laws are different.
It's not like driving in the old days.
You're right, master.
I could never learn to drive here.
Sure, you could.
It's easy.
Well, I don't know, it would take me 100 years to learn.
Jeannie, I could teach you in an hour, just like that, really.
Could you, master? Sure.
I am ready.
You are the most wonderful master in the whole world.
But not the brightest.
[CHUCKLES.]
All right, I'm gonna teach you about intersections.
I want you to go back to that one-way street.
Oh, I want to learn, master.
With me in the car, there's nothing to worry about.
Okay, start her up.
[ENGINE STARTS.]
[TIRES SQUEAL.]
We're coming to the one-way street, turn left.
Left.
Right.
Right.
Huh? [TIRES SQUEAL.]
[ALL CARS HONKING.]
Jeannie, do you know what you've done to me? You've done it to me again.
Uh, hello, officer.
Having a good time? I'll just move it out of the way right now.
You were driving from the wrong side of the car.
Oh, yes, well, it's one of these cars we used to Hey, wait a minute, I've seen this car before Aren't you Major Anthony Nelson? Yes, yes, that's correct, United States Air Force.
I've sure been anxious to get your autograph.
Oh, I'd be glad to give it to you.
Violation of city ordinances Here you are, please sign right there.
[.]
[.]
ROGER: "Astronaut who found his way through space gets lost on a one-way street .
" [WHISTLES.]
Hi, Tony, I'm just reading about you.
Did you, uh, see the front page yet? Yes, I've seen it, and Dr.
Bellows has seen it, and General Peterson has seen it, and It's a good picture of you.
A good picture? What are you talking about? I don't go around like that.
Wait a minute, what happened? I was teaching Jeannie how to drive.
I should've had my head examined.
I think you're going to.
Yeah? I have been looking for you, Major Nelson.
Yes, sir.
I've just had a meeting with General Peterson about you.
Oh, how is the general? The general is upset.
He just had a call from Washington from General Burke.
General Burke is upset.
Well, if you ask me, the whole thing's pretty funny.
Oh, uh, do you? The press has been calling me all morning.
They're having quite a field day with this little joke.
Oh, is that right, sir.
Well, I'm sure they'll forget about it as soon as you call the police commissioner again and Well, General Peterson has asked me not to call anyone.
You see, uh, Officer Anderson, who issued the ticket to your friend, is complaining that, uh, the Air Force has exercised undue influence.
Sounds like a troublemaker to me.
General Peterson asked me to tell you that from now on, you're on your own.
Do you understand, major? Oh, yes, yes, sir.
Oh, nice picture of you, major.
And, uh, we'll be reading the newspapers very closely.
You see, even Dr.
Bellows likes it.
Huh? Aw.
Boy, listen to him, you'd think you'd committed a murder or something.
All you did was go down a one-way street the wrong way.
Hey, that's pretty funny when you think about it.
A one-way street [BOTH LAUGHING.]
Yeah, I just hope the judge thinks it's that funny.
Well, you shouldn't have had Dr.
Bellows fix that ticket.
They're really mad now.
When Officer Anderson gets you in front of that court He's going to love you.
Huh? Oh, why didn't I think about this before.
All you have to do is apologize.
What are you talking about? Just say you're sorry.
Have a nice man to man talk with him.
Yeah, I don't know, Roge.
Doesn't sound like it would work Well, you got nothing to lose.
Yeah, and I suppose it I could try it.
I could go down to the station and ask the desk sergeant if he could put me on No, no, no, don't go to the station.
Too cold.
Go to his house.
That's nice and friendly.
Nice and warm, and remember: Yeah? BOTH: Be jolly nice.
[.]
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Uh, Officer Anderson? Yeah? Oh, hello, major.
Hello.
What do you want? Oh, I was just wondering if I could talk to you a couple of minutes.
Come on in.
Thank you.
What can I do for you, major? Frankly, I'd like to talk to you about the summons you gave me.
Oh, you would.
Yeah.
Just let me get a cigarette.
TONY: Of course.
[.]
ANDERSON: Thank you.
Sit down, major.
Oh, thank you.
Probably more comfortable.
Yes, I'm terribly sorry.
Say, uh, you, uh You have quite a reputation.
You, uh, I-I read the article in Theme magazine last week, and it was excellent, really excellent.
Oh, thank you.
You have quite a reputation yourself.
Well, that's part of the reason I wanted to talk to you.
I suppose being celebrities of a sort.
You mean, you came to talk to me about the ticket? Yes.
Um Well, I wanted to apologize for what happened.
You mean you admit you were wrong? Yes, I did make a mistake.
You violated the law.
Well, I-I don't want you to think it was intentional.
It certain But you did.
Yes, yes, I did, and, uh, I Now that I've said I'm sorry, I feel much better for it.
Um, I'm a serviceman myself.
I understand about duty.
Right, well, I'll see you in court on Monday.
Huh? Oh, thank you.
Well, it's certainly been nice talking to you, and Oh, what a splendid-looking, young chap.
Is this your son? My nephew.
Loves the space age.
Big fan of yours.
Oh, really.
Say, uh, I'll bet he would like a model of the X-15.
Is that an offer? Oh, well, yes, yes.
Oh, thank you.
If you would just give me his address, I could I beg your pardon.
I said if you could give me his address, I could send it immediately.
Oh, that won't be necessary, major.
The offer is all I wanted to hear.
Nice boy.
You just tried to bribe me.
[.]
[WHISTLES.]
Hi.
Oh, hi, Roge.
Hi, hi.
Can I talk to you a minute? I'm I'm sorry, I'm kind of busy right now, I'm going to court.
Yeah, well, that's what I'd like to talk to you about.
I'd like to go with you.
What for? Well, I thought maybe I could be your lawyer.
You don't have one, do you? I don't think I need a lawyer.
Well, that's where you almost made a very serious mistake.
You gotta have somebody speak for you.
It's just a small, little case.
It's a traffic case, you know.
There's nothing small or simple in law, you know.
What do you know about it? Well, I studied pre-law before I was an astronaut.
I probably could fix it up, so you wouldn't get a fine at all.
Hey, you did, you had a whole year of law.
Listen, if you can't help your best friend, why, who can you help? Hey, that's right.
You'll be out in two seconds.
You would be a lot better than me.
Just let me do all the talking.
Don't say anything.
TONY: Yeah.
JUDGE: You've heard the facts of the case, Mr.
Zane.
What have you got to say about it? ZANE: I have been stealing fruits, Your Honor, but I've been out of work for four months and have six kids at home to feed.
As soon as I get a job, I'll pay it all back.
Mm-hm.
All right.
I'm sorry, but I have to give you $30 or 30 days.
However, I'll suspend that sentence when restitution is made.
Look, don't worry about a thing.
Just leave it to me.
The meaner they are, the better I like 'em.
Don't do anything flashy.
Just leave it to me.
BAILIFF: Anthony Nelson.
That's us.
[.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Uh, Your Honor, I'm representing Major Nelson.
JUDGE: Is the arresting officer here? Officer Anderson, Your Honor.
Ah, the defendant is charged with, uh, going the wrong way down a one-way street.
Uh, sir, I We plead guilty.
I'd like to pay the fine.
And attempting to bribe an officer in the performance of his duty.
How do you plead? A-a-a bribe? A bribe.
A bribe.
A bribe.
Sir, could I talk to my client a couple of minutes? One minute.
One minute.
What's this about a bribe? You didn't tell me anything about a bribe Roge Roger, Roger, I promised Wait a minute, I promised to send his nephew a model of the X-15, that's all.
That's all? And he We'll fix him.
Your Honor, this whole thing has become ridiculous.
I would hardly call an offer of a model plane a bribe.
What do you have to say to that? ANDERSON: It wouldn't be an important bribe to you or to me, but to a 10-year-old boy, it would mean a lot.
And he was trying to reach me through that little boy.
Gee, that's right.
I never thought of it that way.
How could you possibly do that to a little boy? I don't believe that you could Oh, ahem, well, if Officer Anderson's going to take that attitude, my client and I are not gonna plead guilty to anything.
Don't worry about a thing.
They made a mistake.
They made me mad.
Since the defendant denies all the charges, does the arresting officer wish to offer evidence? Yes, Your Honor.
I was at the scene.
I saw Major Nelson violating the ordinances cited.
I object! JUDGE: Sit down.
Yes, sir.
For the record, could you identify Major Nelson? Certainly, Your Honor.
Major Nelson is right there.
[MAGIC BOINGS.]
And there.
There.
And there.
[LAUGHING.]
What are you talking about, Officer Anderson? Can you identify Major Nelson or not? ANDERSON: My eyes are a little blurred, Your Honor, but I-I would like to show the court a motion picture I took of Major Nelson's confession.
I think this will clear up any questions the court may have.
Uh, bailiff, please.
[.]
ANDERSON [ON SCREEN.]
: Hello, major.
Come on in.
Sit down here, major.
[GIGGLES.]
[WHACK.]
[ALL LAUGHING.]
[LAUGHING.]
Oh! [.]
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
Hey, did you see the look on Anderson's face when he ran that film? Yeah, now, look, I don't want you to be too amused, especially in front of Jeannie.
All right, come on, cool it.
Uh, Jeannie, would you come out, please? Did it go well, master? Oh, yes, yes, it just It went fine, Jeannie.
But I don't want you to think that all police officers are like Officer Anderson.
Oh, I do not, master.
Good, and in the future, you just stay out of his way, huh.
Oh, I will, master.
Hey, how about me in there, huh? Me, was I pretty good? Maybe I should've been a lawyer? [CHUCKLING.]
Yeah, sure.
Hey, you want to stay for dinner? No, I've gotta be going.
I'm having trouble with my car.
Can I use yours? Oh, sure.
May I have the keys, please? Are you going driving, Major Healey? No, Jeannie.
I'm going straight home.
I will drive you home.
Sure, you will, yeah.
[ENGINE REVVING.]
[.]
Jeannie.
Jeannie! Wait! Jeannie! Jeannie! Oh, oh, good morning, officer.
Watch it, don't turn, don't turn.
ROGER: Whoa, Jeannie.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Watch it.
Tony! [YELLING.]
[.]