I Dream of Jeannie (1965) s02e26 Episode Script

[.]
[WHISTLING.]
Master, I have been thinking.
Good, good.
It makes me look bad to have a master who is only a major.
You should be a general.
Yes, at least.
Mm.
If I spent some time at NASA with you, I could help you.
Now, wait a minute.
I could tell your general how important you are, and he would He would transfer me.
Oh, no, I would tell him how brilliant Stay away from NASA.
General Peterson's not ready for you.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Oh, good morning, Major Healey.
Morning, Jeannie.
Good morning, Tony.
Sit down.
Oh, yeah, here's your mail.
What lovely flowers.
Yeah, they're for Miss Perkins.
Who is Miss Perkins? Uh, well, she's General Peterson's, uh, secretary.
Ugh.
She's retiring today.
No kidding.
I didn't know that.
Yeah, I guess old Stonehead's gonna find himself a new secretary.
Oh, that's too bad.
She's a nice lady.
And good secretaries are hard to find.
No, I am not.
[.]
[.]
I would make a wonderful secretary for your general.
Oh, boy.
Hey, that's a great idea.
She'd make a great secretary.
Oh, thanks.
It would solve everything.
I would be around your general all day long, and by the time I am finished, he will want to make you a general.
I'm ordering you.
Don't go near General Peterson.
Oh, but I get so tired waiting around all day for you.
Yes, I know you do.
Why don't you watch television.
There should be some good shows on.
Hey, that's a great idea.
Uh, uh, let's see, what is today? Oh, here.
Uh, there's a movie that starts in a few minutes, Jeannie.
It's, um, a three-hour movie, and there's two more movies just like it right afterwards.
Oh, but that would take me all day.
And by then your general will probably have hired another secretary.
Promise me you'll watch them all the way through.
Very well, I promise.
Yeah.
We better get to the office.
[SIGHS.]
That's for you.
Can you imagine her being a secretary, the chaos it would wreak.
[SIGHS.]
[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING.]
[LAUGHS.]
This way out, please.
Hello, miss? Hey, Roge.
Who are all the girls? Oh, they're the gals that tried out for General Peterson's secretary.
Boy, if those are the rejects, I'd love to see who he picked.
Whew.
I wonder if Jeannie's enjoying her movies, huh? Yeah.
What I wanted to talk to you about Roge? Roge? [CLEARS THROAT.]
Excuse me, is this the general's office? Yes, it is.
Oh, I am so sorry it took me so long to get here, but I had to see that last movie.
Hee-hee! I am the general's new secretary.
Well, I'm afraid you're a little late, honey.
I've, uh, already gotten the job.
Oh, but it is very important that I have it.
You see, it is not so much for me, but for my master.
Uh, tough luck.
Uh, why don't you just go find yourself a crying towel.
A crying towel? Beat it.
I'm busy.
[INTERCOM BUZZES.]
PETERSON: Will you come in, please? Ah, right away, general.
Better luck next time, honey.
Yes? [SCREAMS.]
Oh.
You may have the job.
[GIGGLES.]
Look, don't send me any more women.
Find me a male secretary fast.
Oh.
Who are you? I am your new secretary, General Patterson.
Peterson.
I'm sorry, I can't use you.
Oh, but I would be very valuable to you.
[PHONE RINGING.]
Ah, that will be Admiral Billings.
General Peterson here.
Admiral Billings? Yeah, put him on.
Oh, hello, Chick.
It's nice to hear your voice.
Yes, I heard there was gonna be a meeting, but nobody's notified me officially yet.
Oh, Washington? Oh, sure, I'll make it a point to be there.
Oh, everything's fine here.
We're beginning to get our Apollo off the ground.
Yeah.
Our next meeting may be up on the moon.
I know, there's no such thing as science fiction anymore.
Well, I'll be looking forward to seeing you.
Thanks for letting me know.
Goodbye.
Oh, I tell you what you can do.
Until my secretary gets here, you can, uh, clean up the Oh, I have already done that.
Well, you can type the They are typed.
Well, you can straighten up my Oh, I have already done it.
This is General Peterson.
Forget about sending me another secretary.
I found one.
Thank you, General Patterson.
Peterson.
Oh, yes, I am sorry.
Well, you and I are gonna get along very nicely, Miss, uh Jeannie.
Miss Jeannie.
What's your first name? Jeannie.
Jeannie Jeannie.
That's unusual.
Yes.
Well, I-I will file these.
Fine.
Now, I have an 11:00 appointment with Dr.
Bellows and, uh Major Anthony Nelson.
Oh, is he not wonderful? I will see to it that you are not disturbed.
Good morning.
I'm, uh, here to see General Peterson.
I'm Anthony Nelson.
I know.
What are you doing? What are you doing here? I saw all the movies.
Would you like to hear the plot? In one of them, this poor cowboy Get out of here before General Peterson sees you.
He's already seen me.
I am his new secretary.
Yeah You're his what? Huh? Yes.
And now that I am going to be here, we can have lunch in the cafeteria every day.
Oh, I love cafeterias.
You're not gonna be here because we're not gonna have lunch together Now, you pop out and go home right now.
Come on, go.
Oh, but I cannot do that.
Why not? Because, I would lose my unemployment insurance.
Lose your unemployment? Oh, Dr.
Bellows.
How are you, sir? Good morning, major.
Oh, I, uh I don't believe we've met.
I'm Dr.
Alfred Bellows.
Yes, Major Nelson is always telling me how I hate to be late for appointments.
I don't think we ought to keep General Peterson waiting.
Uh, you go in.
I'll be right there.
Yeah.
You look very familiar.
Have we met before? Yes.
Remember when you came No.
No, now Now, that I think of it, uh, I was someone else.
I could swear I know you from somewhere.
She has one of those faces.
It could fit almost anybody.
I do not.
I never forget a face.
Perhaps if we had a chat, we could remember where.
Are you free for lunch? In the cafeteria? If you like.
Oh, I would like that.
Fine.
Now, I'll pick you up here.
Come along, major.
We don't want to keep the general waiting.
Yeah, right.
Uh, major.
Would you make a copy of that? Uh, major.
Yes, sir.
[SIGHS.]
You are three minutes late.
I'm sorry.
Very sorry, sir.
Well, look that over.
Yes, sir.
Now, if you see those two formulas at the top of the page, you'll notice one is neutral and one is acid.
Yes, sir.
It's very important to keep that in mind.
I'm sorry.
I broke your pencil, sir.
I'll get one from your secretary.
Major, here's a pencil.
Would you like some coffee, sir? No, thank you, major.
Please, forget about the coffee.
Now, if you'll just take your diagrams there.
Oh, I think I have them in here.
I know I had them, uh I-I-I-I suppose I left them in my office, sir.
Major.
Yes? Go get your diagrams.
Yes, sir.
I'm terribly sorry for the delay.
Excuse me.
What's the matter with him? He seems very nervous.
I think he has a reason to be nervous, general.
What? Does your secretary have a security clearance? Security clearance? Yes.
[SCOFFS.]
This is a very sensitive base, general.
I know I've seen that girl before.
But she denies it.
Why? Where'd she come from? What is she after? I'm gonna take her to lunch today.
And I'm gonna get some answers.
And if she doesn't talk? I'm a psychiatrist.
Yeah, that's right.
Yes.
Yes, that's right.
Seven p.
m.
Mm-hm.
I will tell him.
Bye-bye.
I have taken my first phone message.
Oh, good.
Oh.
Oh! What is it? I forgot to ask who was calling.
Jeannie, has Dr.
Bellows ever seen you before? Well, yes, yes When? Remember, he He came into the kitchen one time when I was preparing your dinner.
Yeah.
Ha-ha! I do not know what gave him that silly idea, but he thought that you and I were Were gonna get married, yeah.
Yes, yes.
But you can't have lunch with him.
Oh, but why not? Look, he's only seen you once.
If he spends any time with you, he'll know that you were the girl in my kitchen.
Oh, do not worry, master.
I will outsmart him.
Outsmart Outsmart him No, no, that's the one thing you mustn't do.
You mustn't try to outsmart him.
You see, he's a psychiatrist.
It's his job to outsmart people Did you get the diagram? Yes, sir, I have it.
We're still having lunch, aren't we? Oh, in the cafeteria.
Oh, I am looking forward to it.
Uh, so am I.
So am I.
Major.
Yes, yes, sir, I'll I'll be right there.
Here we are.
Well.
Oh.
This is so exciting.
Exciting? Oh, yes.
I am not allowed out of the house very often.
You're not? No.
And you know, it gets so tiring watching three movies on television.
Of course, the plot to the second one was lovely.
It was this boy and girl who were engaged, and the mother objected Engaged.
That's it.
Now I remember.
Weren't you and Major Nelson engaged? I-I hardly know Major Nelson.
I see.
Um, tell me, where are you from? Where am I from? Yes.
Uh, where were you born? Where was I born? Well, you must have been born somewhere.
You know where you were born.
Oh, of course, of course.
In, uh, I-oh-ho.
I-oh-ho? Oh-I-oh-want? Oh-I-oh-want What? Chicago? Oh, yes.
Lovely city.
Tell me what part of, uh, Chicago did you live in? The lake section? No, no.
The mountains.
The mountains? Mm-hm.
Did you, um, ever climb to the top of, uh, Mount Chicago? Oh, yes.
We used to do it all the time.
Did you? Hmm.
Fascinating.
Tell me, um, what business was your father in? He was a used camel salesman.
I beg your pardon? Uh, a used car salesman.
Oh, very interesting.
I like this.
Well, so do I.
As a matter of fact, it may turn out to be the best lunch I've ever had in my whole life.
Oh.
Ha-ha.
Tell me more about yourself.
May I? Oh, I love to talk about myself.
Well, when I was a little girl in Chicago, my mommy and daddy and I could never go away for weekends.
We loved to climb Mount Chicago, but Daddy always had to be home to feed the camels.
The cars.
And Mama used to pack this marvelous lunch in a wicker basket Hi, Al.
Tony, you gotta see the new dish in General Peterson's office.
Whew.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
- Around the base? - What about dinner tonight? I asked her first about dinner.
Gentlemen, please.
I'm sure you all have some work to do.
[INDISTINCT CHATTERING.]
Gentlemen, please, I'm sure this young lady has some work to You have some work, don't you? Yes, I do.
I better get back to work.
Fine.
I will see you all later.
I'm going to take you up on that.
All right.
Bye-bye.
Thank you very much.
Bye.
[GIGGLES.]
Ohh, they are all so friendly.
Ha-ha! Yes, aren't they? What about lunch? Hm? Lunch.
Oh, well, it was wonderful.
We had roast beef with mashed potatoes and gravy and green beans and I'm not interested in the menu.
What did you and Dr.
Bellows talk about? Oh, you do not have to worry, master.
He was like a child in my hands.
Yeah You He wasn't suspicious? Oh, not anymore.
He was at first.
Yeah.
But then, I told him that my father was a used car salesman in Chicago.
From then on, it was easy.
Really? Yes.
I had him eating out of my hand.
Yeah.
Well, this-this-that's wonderful.
But I don't think we ought to take any chances.
You better pop out of here and go home.
No.
No? No.
No.
Not until I've had General Peterson promote you to a general.
Huh? I'm not interested in becoming a general.
Oh, of course you are.
And you do not have to worry about Dr.
Bellows.
Yeah.
[GIGGLES.]
He will be no problem at all.
Long distance? This is Dr.
Alfred Bellows at Cape Kennedy.
Let me speak to the CIA in Washington.
Tony! Oh, Tony Oh.
Oh, do I have news for you.
Guess who General Peterson's new secretary is? Jeannie.
Je You knew? Yeah, but it's only temporary.
Well, what does that mean? It just means that General Peterson, within the hour, is gonna have a new secretary.
You're gonna make her quit? I'm not gonna make her do anything.
She's gonna wanna quit.
Oh, you should write a book.
I'll see you later.
I've gotta get this plan into action.
[TYPEWRITER CLACKING RAPIDLY.]
Hello, Jeannie.
Hello, master.
You came to watch me work.
No, I came to tell you some very exciting news.
Really? Mm-hm.
[MAGIC BOINGS, TYPING STOPS.]
What happened? [GASPS.]
Oh, master.
Oh, the stars of a general.
Mm, yes, I just got the news.
Oh, that is wonderful.
And I hardly mentioned you at all to General Patterson Peterson.
Yeah, well, he must've gotten the message.
He has a very fast mind.
Oh, I am so happy.
Oh! Now I can hold my head up in front of all those other genies.
Yeah, I thought you'd be pleased.
Oh! And you can tell General Peterson that he He's just gonna have to get himself a new secretary.
Mm.
I will.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
General Anthony Nelson.
Yeah.
Oh, that sounds wonderful.
Well, I Jeannie.
Uh, hello, Tony.
General.
Can you make five copies of those, please? I'd like them in the afternoon mail.
Oh, yes, sir.
Why, major? I'm glad you asked me that, sir.
Oh, but it is not "major.
" It is "general.
" Uh, general.
General Anthony Nelson.
Did they not tell you? No.
Did they tell you? No, sir.
No, sir.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Um, I can explain, sir.
I was trying to impress the girl.
You know how it is.
A beautiful girl and a pair of stars on the shoulder.
It's a very impressive thing and, uh You were young When you were young It's a practical joke, really.
Next time you try a little joke like this, you'll be headed straight for a court-martial.
Take those stars off, major.
So you are not a general.
You You tried to trick me, so that I would quit my job.
Well Well, now N-now I will never quit.
Not until you are a full-bird general.
What do you want? [MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY.]
[KNOCK AT DOOR.]
Come in.
Dr.
Bellows.
Yes? Amos Lincoln, CIA.
Oh, hello, Mr.
Lincoln.
Uh, sit down, won't you.
Thank you.
I'm sorry I couldn't get here sooner.
Our flight from Washington was delayed.
You flew in from Washington? Uh-huh.
Oh, you really needn't have bothered, Mr.
Lincoln.
I was only making a routine inquiry about one of our employees.
Well, it may have started out as a routine matter, doctor, but at this point, it's on the top priority list of half a dozen government agencies.
I don't understand.
First of all, there's no record of a Miss Jeannie Jeannie having been born in Chicago.
I knew it.
Or anywhere else in the United States.
You mean, she's an alien? Well, if she is, she's here illegally.
The Immigration Department has no record of her ever having entered the country.
The Department of Health, Education and Welfare has no social security application from her.
And the Air Force has no security clearance on Miss Jeannie Jeannie.
LINCOLN: The FBI is investigating it for a possible sabotage angle.
You beginning to get the picture? That's incredible.
Doctor, I've been with the bureau for over 15 years, and this is the first time we haven't been able to turn up one single statistic on a person.
For all we've been able to find out, she might've sprung up out of thin air.
BELLOWS: She came from somewhere.
That's right.
Don't worry.
Before we're through, we'll be able to tell you everything there is to know about that girl.
I've gotta talk to you.
Here, look at this.
General Gillian and his wife are sponsoring a ball for the orphans Saturday night.
Boy, some of those generals' wives.
Whew.
Roger.
We're in trouble.
We're in trouble? I mean, I'm in trouble.
Oh, you are.
The CIA is here.
Shh.
The CIA is here? That's right.
Not only that, every department and agency in the United States government is after Jeannie.
Oh.
Well, what happened to your plan? Did it work? No.
It backfired.
If they get ahold of her, they're gonna have her whole life story in two minutes, and mine.
Your only chance is to get her out of here, then.
Don't you think I've tried that? She won't go.
She's She's staying here because she thinks she's doing me some kind of a favor.
I've got it.
Hm? I've got it.
The last time you got it, you really had it.
I'm gonna need your help.
Now, I want you to listen carefully.
What? You know those pictures? Yeah.
The ones you have in your drawer of the girlfriends.
Drawer pictures.
Yeah.
[KNOCK AT DOOR.]
Jeannie.
H-hello, master.
Hello.
You are not angry with me? Angry with you? No.
As a matter of fact, I'm grateful to you.
You are? Well.
What have I done? Oh, it's not what you've done.
It's what you're gonna do.
General Anthony Nelson.
I thought you did not want to be a general? [LAUGHING.]
No, Jeannie, I must've been out of my mind.
Do you realize what this means to me? This means that I'm gonna be the youngest general in the United States Air Force.
Yes.
Mm.
It's gonna be a pay hike, uh, uh, power, uh, more prestige, privilege Oh, I knew you would change your mind.
How soon can you arrange it? Oh, right away.
Uh This afternoon? Good, good, good.
That's wonderful.
And now, uh Now, wait a minute.
You better give me a couple of days.
Uh, I still have a few things to clear up first.
What? Well, I just, uh I have a few things to clear up first.
Everything's all set.
Oh, good.
I thought you'd never get here.
I thought you could take Eloise out to breakfast.
Uh-huh.
And you could take Edna out to lunch.
Yeah.
And you could just pick one of these beauties here for dinner, huh.
Any one of those.
Ah, yeah.
Juanita.
I'll take her out to dinner, and we'll see which one of these will do.
Ooh, wh-wh-which one of these will do what? Who? Who are they? Oh, one of these girls is gonna be my wife.
Your wife? Isn't that great? Tony told me you arranged to have him made general, and, of course, everybody knows a general has to be married.
So I brought over a few pictures here to view the eligible girls in town.
Generals have to be married? Oh, yes.
Yes.
Uh, that's one of the rules.
Now What have I done? Master? About Juanita, I think You mean, in order to be a general, you must have a wife? Oh, yeah.
That's right.
Oh! You cannot marry any of these girls.
Why not? They're really all quite nice.
Yes, you don't have to worry.
I'm gonna pick out a good one.
Well, I think I have made a mistake.
Huh? Uh, uh, y-y-you are much too young to be a general.
I am? Would you be terribly upset if you were not a general? Well, I don't know.
I kinda had my heart set on it, Jeannie.
But if If you don't think it's a good idea, then Oh, it is a terrible idea, master.
Yeah.
All right, then I won't.
Oh, thank you.
Ha-ha! You go home and fix some dinner, and I'll be there later.
Oh, no.
Please let me stay with you.
No, really.
I'd rather you go home now.
But I want to play secretary.
Now, really.
Now.
Very well.
I did it.
I did it.
You did it? I did it.
I was helping.
I was the one who brought the pictures.
Oh, you were great.
Ha-ha-ha! I told you, when she saw those pictures, she'd flip.
One picture is worth a thousand words.
Oh, you sure fooled her, boy.
[MAGIC BOINGS.]
[LAUGHS.]
Well, you're still the old master.
Yeah.
Oh, God, I hated to do it We're looking for Miss Jeannie.
Have you seen her? Uh, Jean Miss Jeannie.
Oh, no, you mean the girl that was just here? No, she's gone.
When will she be back? I don't think she's coming back.
Uh, that's right.
Well, we'll find her.
You're wearing sergeant stripes, major.
Yeah, what are you doing in these sergeant stripes? Would you mind explaining that, Major Nelson? Yes Yeah.
Whose side are you on? Uh, uh, uh, uh, sir, it It actually Well, I have this girlfriend, a-and she sometimes just doesn't [.]