I Dream of Jeannie (1965) s02e28 Episode Script

[.]
Jeannie.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Uh, Jeannie.
Oh.
Good morning, master, darling.
Oh.
Morning, Jeannie.
Are you ready for breakfast? No, I'm gonna have to skip breakfast this morning.
I'm giving a lecture.
Oh.
The kind you always give me? [CHUCKLES.]
No.
No.
This is on military strategy.
Oh, that sounds exciting.
Ha.
Uh Uh, what does it mean? Militar Oh.
Oh, it's, um Well, we study ancient battles and, uh, how they were planned, and the mistakes that were made, and so forth.
Oh, what are you going to talk about? I'll be talking about the Napoleonic Wars and Waterloo, and the, uh, Russian invasion.
Oh, I've never heard of them.
You mean, you're not interested in history? Oh, history is so dull, master.
Dull? The Napoleonic Wars? Uh Uh, Marat? Uh, Mme.
Pompadour? Uh Marie Antoinette saying to the starving peasants, "Let them eat cake," you call that dull? Did she say that at Waterloo, master? No.
No.
No, Jeannie.
Uh, at Waterloo, Wellington defeated Napoleon Bonaparte.
Oh, I have heard of Napoleon.
Oh, really.
I should hope so.
As a matter of fact, there's a picture in here somewhere.
Oh, yeah The Here There's a picture of him.
JEANNIE: Why does he have his hand in his jacket, master? Well, I don't know why [SCOFFS.]
Anyhow, he was one of the greatest generals that ever lived.
He saved France and started to bring democracy to all of Europe.
And then what happened? Well, he was He was badly advised.
He trusted a general named Pichegru.
And this Pichegru later tried to kill Napoleon.
I think that it was he that persuaded Napoleon that he could conquer the whole world.
I wish I could have just one hour with Napoleon.
Well, I'll see you.
[CHATTERING.]
[PEOPLE LAUGHING.]
Jeannie, what What are you doing? Look at all the lovely dresses, master.
Yes, yes Say There's Napoleon.
That's Napoleon Bonaparte.
Oh, yes, of course.
You said you wished to spend an hour with him, master.
Go talk.
I didn't know I could do it now.
Oh, you have no medals.
Huh, I don't need Need any medals.
Ah.
Oh.
[GIGGLES.]
Oh.
Thank you.
Oh.
Lovely.
Huh? Jeannie, Jeannie this is going a little too far.
Just leave me one.
Oh, no, master.
No, I mean it.
One.
[CLICKS TONGUE, WHINES.]
[GIGGLES.]
Oh, boy.
Thank you, Jeannie.
Do you know, this is the greatest thing you've ever done? Oh.
I can change the whole course of history.
Well, enjoy yourself, master.
I I will go around and explore the palace, and look at the dresses.
[GIGGLES.]
Oh, master, there's a lovely one.
Bye-bye.
Bye.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Uh, pardon me.
I-I don't mean to intrude.
Uh, my name is Major Anthony Nelson.
You don't know me, but I certainly know you.
You're "the Little Corporal.
" Execute him.
[.]
[.]
W-wait, wait.
Now, please.
I Take it easy.
I, uh I don't mean to offend you, sir.
Everybody calls you "the Little Corporal.
" Those who do regret it.
I have some very valuable information.
As a matter of fact, the fate of Europe may depend on your listening to me.
The fate of Europe? Who sent you to me? Uh, well, no one sent me.
I-I I came with a friend.
Well [CLEARS THROAT.]
As a matter of fact, I was about to deliver a lecture on you this morning.
A lecture? What is this? Pichegru, get rid of him.
At once, sire.
Pichegru.
P I wouldn't do that if I were you, Mr.
Napoleon.
I This man is about to assassinate you.
General Pichegru? [CHUCKLES.]
Take him out of here! Hold on a minute.
Wait, wait, wait! This man amuses me.
I want to speak to him alone.
Nappy.
Ah, my dear.
I don't believe we've met.
Uh, Major, uh Oh, N-Nelson.
Major Anthony Nelson.
You're the Empress Josephine, aren't you? Oh.
Oh, I love that speech you made about, "Let them eat cake.
" Oh, that was very kind of you.
That was Marie Antoinette.
Oh.
Well, I I'm sorry.
I was never very good at history.
[ALL CHUCKLE.]
Come, major.
Tell me some more of those funny stories.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, yes.
Is he not wonderful? Who is he? Oh, Major Nelson is a An expert on military strategy.
He is? Oh, yes.
He has some wonderful advice for Napoleon Bonaparte.
About what? Oh, it has something to do with war.
War? Hm.
Well, Major Nelson, who sent you to me? Oh, no one sent me to you, sir.
You see, I I lecture on military strategy at a Uh, well Never mind.
It It Where did you hear this rumor about General Pichegru? I-It's not a rumor, sir.
It's history.
History? Yes, yes.
Or at least it will be.
What I mean is you don't have to worry.
He's gonna try to kill you, but you're gonna have him strangled.
Strangled? [CHUCKLES.]
You amuse me.
Well, thank you very much.
I can't tell you what a thrill it is to meet you, sir.
I mean, well, it's You don't meet someone every day who Who devised a legal code that's used all over the world.
A legal what? The Code Napoleon.
Your code for abolishing imprisoning men for debt, um, ending slavery, protecting women's claims on property.
Those are excellent ideas.
You thought of them, sir.
Or at least you will.
You're a fortuneteller? Oh.
No, no, no, no.
I'm a Or a spy? Yeah, a fortuneteller.
Yes, that's right.
Well, major tell me about the future.
All right, sir.
I can, uh, tell you just about anything you'd want to know.
Uh, what year is this? You're a fortuneteller, and you don't know what year it is? Well, um Uh It's 1803.
Get rid of it.
Get rid of what? Uh, the Republic, sir.
You've been thinking of changing the Republic into an empire? Who gave you that information? Well, that's not important, sir.
The important thing is that you shouldn't do it.
Don't listen to Pichegru.
If If you try to conquer Europe, you're going to fail.
What else do you know about my plans? Uh, well, uh Oh, these are your brothers, aren't they? [CLEARS THROAT.]
Ah.
Oh, yes, you're going to turn the Batavian republic into the kingdom of Holland, and you're gonna give it to your brother Louis.
And, uh That's an excellent idea.
You're gonna turn Hanover and Prussia, um over to your brother, Jerome, and call it What was Westphalia.
Westphalia.
And Joseph is going to get the Bourbon throne of the two Sicilys.
Why not? You're a genius.
What I really want to warn you about is Russia.
What about Russia? Well, the Russian campaign's a mistake.
What Russian campaign? You're going to attack it.
Attack Russia? Are you mad? Now, you mustn't go through with it, sir.
If you attack Russia, you're gonna suffer one of the worst defeats in history.
Napoleon, defeated? Yes.
I'm coming to that.
You're coming to what? Oh, uh Uh, Waterloo.
Don't fight Wellington there.
If you do, you'll You'll end up being sent to Elba.
Never mind Elba.
So you think it will be a mistake for me to turn Europe into an empire? A disaster.
I must think about this.
Well, you'll never regret talking to me, sir.
We will talk again later.
Join the others.
There's plenty of food and drink.
Yes, yes.
Oh, I've, uh, been meaning to ask you about, uh These wool uniforms.
Tell General Pichegru I want him immediately.
Attack Russia.
It would be an insanity.
The man is mad.
Mad or a spy.
But who would've sent him? Russia, of course.
I've been thinking of Russia.
The hungry iceberg waiting to destroy an unwary army.
And suddenly this clumsy spy comes to me and tells me not to attack it.
Oh, why would Russia send him here to tell you that? For only one reason, my dear Pichegru.
It could be that the iceberg is not as terrifying as it seems.
Russia must have something to fear.
And it could only have something to fear if it's vulnerable.
We will attack! And it shall be my greatest victory.
As you wish, sire.
And what shall we do with this spy? [BLOWS.]
It certainly is a pleasure meeting you, madam.
Of course.
I've read a great deal about you, but I must say, you're much more beautiful than your paintings.
Am I? Yes.
[CHUCKLES.]
Master? [COUGHS.]
May I speak with you a moment, please? "Master"? Yes.
Yeah, it's a pet name.
Ah.
Would you excuse me, please? [CLEARS THROAT.]
Pardon me.
Jeannie, um I'm busy.
Mm.
So I see.
Ye What do you want? Master, you wish to change the course of history.
Yes.
Then I think you have done it.
What do you mean? You have just talked Napoleon into attacking Russia.
He thinks you're a spy, and he's going to kill you.
No, no, no.
I'm sure you misunderstood him.
Yes, he is.
I had a long talk with him.
He was very amenable to everythi We Now, fellas.
Wait a minute.
Wait.
Napoleon.
[MAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY.]
You are new? Oh, no, no, no.
I am old.
I mean, you are new at my court? Oh, yes, sir.
But, of course, it is a very old court.
Ha.
You are very beautiful.
Oh, thank you.
What is your name, my child? Oh Uh, Jeannie.
Jeannie? Uh-huh.
Well, Jeannie.
I would like to see and talk to you, and get to know you better.
And perhaps, we could meet later tonight? Oh.
I am afraid not.
Uh A friend of mine is in terrible trouble.
I could get your friend out of trouble.
Oh.
No, thank you.
But you are going to be much too busy worrying about Russia.
[GASPS.]
Hey, I'm a major.
You guys can't go around hitting an officer.
What's the matter Go in the cell.
Get in there.
What time is this, uh [MAKES CUTTING SOUND.]
Dawn.
Sorry, madam.
No visitors.
Oh.
Wha? I'm sorry I am late, master, but your friend Napoleon Bonaparte wanted to talk with me.
Yes? He asked me to return later.
[GIGGLES.]
Well, are you ready to go home now? Yeah, we can't go now.
Oh, of course we can, master.
No, no.
I mean we can't go and leave Napoleon in the lurch like this.
Oh, but he thinks you're a spy.
He will not listen to you.
Yeah.
That's right.
Jeannie.
Hm? You can make him listen.
I? Yes, yes.
Didn't you say he wanted you to return? Yes.
Did he seem interested in you? Well yes.
But you are the only man that I I want you to go to his palace.
Oh, but why? Because you've got to convince him that if he starts a war, it's gonna lead to a catastrophe.
Now, you think you can do that? Oh.
But I do not know anything about war, master.
[CHUCKLES.]
But you know something about men.
[GIGGLES.]
I do.
I want you to flatter him.
He has a tremendous ego.
Uh, you've got to make him think that all of this is his idea.
Jeannie this is a tremendously important mission.
Oh, master.
Are you choosing me for this mission because I am the only one in the world who can do it? I'm choosing you for this mission because there's nobody else here.
Now, pop over to the palace and go to work on him.
Go to work on him.
Yes, master.
And do not worry.
I will handle it brilliantly.
And remember, be subtle.
He's got to think it's his idea.
Oh, I am probably the most subtle genie in the whole world.
[BOTH CHUCKLING.]
Oh.
That's my girl.
Oh.
What does "subtle" mean? Go! Our troops will march in through here, toward the soft underbelly of Europe, and into the Caucasus.
No, Pichegru.
I have changed my mind.
But why? Russia sits on Europe like a sleepy bear, ready to devour anything that comes near it.
Only a fool would attack.
Then what do we do about this, uh, Major Nelson, the spy? We have no proof that he was sent by Russia.
I am back.
Oh, what a pleasant surprise.
Ha-ha.
You have met General Pichegru? This is Mademoiselle Jeannie.
Oh.
You are the one who is going to try to kill Napoleon, and he is going to have you strangled.
But she's outrageous, sire.
But so beautiful.
Oh.
[GIGGLES.]
Pichegru, would you excuse us? You, uh You would not, uh, change your mind? No, call all the plans off.
As you command, sire.
I thought you were not coming.
You said you had to help a friend.
Oh, but I am helping him.
That is why I am here.
But I don't understand.
Oh, Major Nelson sent me here to work on you.
To work on me? Yes.
But he said that I must be subtle.
What does "subtle" mean? It means honest.
It means that you must tell me everything Major Nelson said.
Oh.
Well, he said that it was very important that I try to talk you out of attacking Russia, but that you must think that it is your own idea, because you have a tremendous ego.
Is that subtle enough? Indeed it is.
Oh, I knew I could do it.
So he's trying to trick Napoleon into not declaring war.
Any fool can see that the bear is sleeping.
Oh.
Waiting to fall into the hands of an invading army.
Nothing shall stop me.
Thank you, my dear.
Oh, you are welcome.
What did I do? You have reminded me of France's glorious destiny.
[RINGS BELL.]
Nothing shall stop France from ruling the world.
Oh.
Arrest this woman.
Oh, am I going to the Bastille? I'm afraid so.
Oh, thank you.
Mwah.
[LAUGHS.]
Come along.
["LA MARSEILLAISE" PLAYING.]
[KEYS JINGLING.]
[GIGGLES.]
Ah, thank you.
Thank heavens you're back, Jeannie.
I knew you could do it.
[DOOR LOCKS.]
I said to myself What went wrong? Nothing, master.
I was very subtle.
I told him everything.
You You told him everything? It is all fixed.
It's all fixed.
Napoleon has decided not to attack Russia.
Ha.
Good girl.
He is going to attack a big bear instead.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh.
Oh.
You're kidding.
May we go home now, master? No.
What am I gonna do? [SNAPS.]
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
I got one last chance.
I've got to get to Josephine.
Oh, believe me, master, she's much too old for you.
She's the only one Napoleon will listen to.
Now, if I can just talk to her, yeah, I'm sure she'll help.
Oh, master, would it not be much simpler if we just went home? No, we can't leave him like this.
Can you get Josephine here? Well, if that is what you wish.
That is what I wish.
[SIGHS.]
Thank you.
Uh, now Oh.
You have five minutes.
I received a message that you wish to see me about my husband.
The messenger said it was life and death.
Yes.
He's absolutely right.
Uh Your husband is about to make a terrible mistake.
Now, you've got to stop him from attacking Russia.
Oh, I do not mix in His Majesty's military affairs.
Well, if you don't use your influence, he's gonna wind up on Elba.
Elba? That's the island where they're gonna exile him.
You are joking.
Of course, you won't be there.
He'll be married to Louise, but still I Louise? He's going to escape from Elba, raise an army, and fight Wellington at Waterloo.
And believe me, he's going to lose.
Who is this "Louise"? Well, that's not important.
The important thing is you've got to convince Napoleon not to go into battle.
How long has he known her? Who? Louise! Gosh, I don't know.
Will you talk to Napoleon? No.
N No? But you're the only chance I have Don't you love him? I love him more than life itself.
But how do I know that anything you're saying is true.
Can you prove that they are going to exile him to Elba? Well, no, I can't prove it.
I Uh, perhaps if you can tell me who this Louise is, I could find out whether you are lying, or whether you really know what's going to happen.
You You mean, if I could show her to you, you'd believe me? Perhaps.
Her name is Marie Louise, and she's the daughter of the empress of Austria.
He has never mentioned her to me.
Do you think you can find her? [KEYS JINGLING.]
Don't worry.
I'll find her.
Yeah.
Thank you very much.
Uh You don't have a moment to lose.
Have you finished, Your Majesty? Yes.
For now.
Master.
Oh.
How did it go? Oh, just fine.
I think I finally found a way to persuade Josephine that I'm telling the truth.
We can help Napoleon now.
Do you know what I think, master? What? That I should have let you go to your lecture this morning.
Yeah.
[KEYS JINGLING.]
Ah.
Did you find her? Oh, mais oui, monsieur.
But first, I want to be very sure of what you have told me.
This Marie Louise of Austria and my husband are in love, and are going to be married? Oh, yes.
Oh, yes.
They're madly in love.
[CHUCKLES.]
Bring her in.
[BABY GIGGLES.]
Ah.
Ah- ha-ha-ha-ha.
Hi there, huh? [MAKES BABY NOISES.]
Who Who's this? She This is the princess Marie Louise of Austria.
Take her away.
Happy guillotine, monsieur.
Hey.
Wait.
Uh, wait a minute Uh I-I-I made a mistake.
I-I got the dates mixed up.
If you just wait 18 years, I assure you, they're gonna be married.
Happily.
Ah! Master.
[SIGHS.]
When I was at the palace, I saw the most beautiful dresses.
Oh, I would love to have a new dress.
Is that all you think of, is dresses? You never take me to Paris, master.
And while we are here, let me get one new dress.
Yeah, would you forget the dresses I will be back in a few minutes.
Yeah, but Jeannie, you can't leave me now.
They're gonna come for me any minute.
I'm not kidding.
They're gonna cut my head off.
Now, come on back.
[FOOTSTEPS.]
"Major Anthony Nelson, "by the order of the Emperor of France You're bringing a pardon.
Right.
[LAUGHS.]
I knew it.
But Yes, yes? First you are being guillotined! Now, let's go! I just want you to know about killing majors.
I happen to be an American.
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
Wait a minute! Wait! GUARD: Move! Move! Hey, just a minute.
Listen, I want to see a lawyer.
Come on, monsieur.
Up, up, up.
Where do you think you are? Believe me, monsieur.
It will be over in less than a minute.
I'm not interested in your timetable.
I demand to see Napoleon Bonaparte.
You are really not in a position to demand anything, are you? Take him, executioner.
Oh! Come on! We would like to see you die.
[TONY SHOUTING.]
Hey.
Hey, you.
Come here.
Listen, you're making a mistake, fella.
I'm on detached duty to NASA.
Go on! Down! [GRUNTS.]
Monsieur.
Do you have any last words? Just one.
Jeannie! [WHIMPERING.]
Jeannie! Jeannie! Yeah [GRUNTING.]
Jeannie! Get me out of here.
Jeannie, where are you? Here it is, master.
Is it not beautiful? Oh, yes, it's just gorgeous.
Now, would you mind taking this thing off of me.
Huh? Hm? Oh.
Yes.
[SIGHS.]
Oh, thank you.
Thank you very much.
Uh Oh, would you mind? Here.
The ropes too, huh? Hm? Oh.
Oh.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
J-Jeannie, can't you do anything right? Oh, I am sorry, master, but after all, I am only human.
What are you writing, master? Oh, just a minute.
There.
Read it.
JEANNIE: "Able was I ere I saw Elba.
" Mm-hm.
Huh.
Well, what does it mean? Oh.
Well, when you spell it backwards, it comes out exactly the same.
"Able was I, E, R" Eh Oh, "I saw" [LAUGHS.]
Oh.
It does.
Yes.
Oh, you're a genius, master.
Oh, no.
You know, I'm glad we took that trip before I gave that lecture on Napoleon.
Are you.
Why? Well I was wrong about one thing.
You remember I said that Napoleon was a great general, but he had bad advice? Yes, master.
Well, I was wrong there.
He had He had great advice.
He just wouldn't listen.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
W-w-what is wrong, master? Hm? Oh, it's these darn wool uniforms.
Oh.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Right Right below the shoulder blade, huh.
[.]