I Dream of Jeannie (1965) s03e01 Episode Script
Fly Me to the Moon
[.]
We really should wait for Tony, sir.
He should be here any minute.
Major Nelson has exactly three minutes.
If he isn't here, we'll start the procedures without him.
Yes, sir.
Couldn't we delay it a little while, doctor? Two minutes, Major Healey.
But, doctor [TICKING.]
[.]
[GROANS.]
Jeannie! Jeannie! [SCREAMS.]
Good morning, master.
Uh, Jeannie, you let me oversleep.
I-I told you we were gonna have a dry run of a spaceshot today.
Well, I woke on time, but I I dreamed that we were married, and I could not resist going back for the honeymoon.
Get me to the base, would you, please? Now? Yes, now.
Oh, very well.
[SIGHS.]
It's not like Tony to be late, sir.
Major, we're gonna start.
Oh, uh, Dr.
Bellows.
[CHUCKLES.]
Uh, would you like some breakfast, sir? [.]
[.]
[.]
Five, four, three, two You're home, Sam.
[PHONE BUZZES.]
This is Cap-Com Control signing off.
[CHUCKLING.]
Yeah.
Perfect.
Hi, Tony.
Hello, major.
Take him down.
Oh, hello, doctor.
How'd it go at your end? An unqualified success, Major Nelson.
Your protégé is green for go for the real thing tomorrow.
I'm certain Sam appreciates your contribution.
Well, I didn't join the, uh, astronaut program to become a radio announcer, sir.
I was hoping NASA would put me in the driver's seat.
Well, I'm with Tony.
We're the senior astronauts on this project.
And who gets to make the first shot? Sam.
I mean, it isn't fair.
Now, don't be bitter, gentlemen.
If you really wanted first crack at this mission, why, you [CHUCKLES.]
You should have been more selective in choosing parents.
It's all a matter of heredity.
Well done, Sam.
[GIBBERING.]
All right, uh, Sam, press the green one.
[GIBBERING.]
ROGER: Hey.
TONY: Good boy.
Good boy, Sam.
There's something wrong with this.
I'm gonna have to check it.
I'm gonna have to get a technician to take a look at this panel.
Hurry up, will ya, Tony? Everybody else has gone for lunch.
Master! [GASPS.]
Oh! Jeannie! Oh, thank heavens.
Oh, for a minute, I thought that What are you doing here? I told you never come to NASA.
Never.
But it is important, master.
You said I could come if it was an emergency.
Well, what happened? What's the matter? I got lonely.
You got lonely?! You got lonely?! Why do we not go to a movie this afternoon? Because Roger and I have a lot of work to do.
Now, get out, and I mean it.
Now.
[SIGHS.]
Hey! Look what Sam's doing.
Yeah? Oh, uh, S-Sam.
Sam, please, now, don't touch any of the buttons until I give you the orders, huh? Red for red, and green for green, okay? Don't worry.
He'll be all right when the time comes.
Yeah, but what good is it? He can't make any decisions.
We might as well have a robot up there.
I will buy lunch.
I know a wonderful little restaurant along the banks of the Nile.
Really? Well, I'm starved.
I Roger, we've got work to do.
Lots of work to do.
BELLOWS: Oh, uh, Major Nelson, I was Doctor.
Uh Insha'Allah, effendi.
Um who was that? The water boy.
Yes.
Come along, Sam.
We have a lot of work to do.
[.]
Whew.
[LAUGHS.]
Was that not brilliant, master? He did not suspect a thing.
[CHUCKLES.]
No.
He probably just thought you were one of the regular, run-of-the-mill NASA Arabs.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Goodbye, Jeannie.
No lunch? No lunch.
Dr.
Bellows is expecting too much out of this.
What do you mean? Even if Sam does his job properly, we're gonna get limited information.
What Orbiter 5 needs up there is a man.
Well let's stop dreaming and get back to work.
We don't have a man, we've got a monkey.
Master.
Jeannie, please.
Where shall I go? Where does any woman go? Spend the day at the beauty parlor.
Very well, master.
Jeannie.
Mm.
Yes, master? Please.
Goodbye, master.
You've done very well this morning, Sam.
Here's a reward for you.
[.]
Now, Sam the next test we're gonna Sam? Sam?! Look, I-I That wiring's loose.
I think we'd better get an electrician in here.
Uh I don't think we ought to fool around with it.
Hold on.
I got an idea.
[GRUNTS.]
Give me Give me the screwdriver, will ya? Mm-hm.
Hi.
Oh, hi.
That was fast.
Um, there's something wrong with the signal switch.
Would you look at it, please? Sure.
Come out, come out, wherever you are.
Here's a nice banana for you.
Now, you've got to be in this room somewhere.
Yeah, you're new around here, aren't you? Mm.
Hm? Where? Where are you from? The Cameroons.
Equatorial West Africa.
That's where I was born and raised as a kid.
[CHUCKLES.]
No kidding.
Yeah.
And then my My whole family got captured.
Captured? Wire ends.
Sam is irreplaceable.
You are not.
I want you to find that chimp.
Oh, I will, general.
I will.
And I think I know just where to look.
I said to myself, if I were a chimpanzee, where would I go? And what did you decide? I'd go to where Major Nelson is.
Major Nelson? Yes, sir.
My theory is that Sam has gone in search of his mother substitute.
And Tony Nelson is Sam's mother substitute.
That's right, general.
After all, Major Nelson has worked very closely with Sam.
Sam's animal instincts told him that he was being placed in jeopardy.
And he felt an overwhelming need for the warmth and comfort of the maternal bosom.
How does that sound to you, sir? It sounds to me as though you've been seeing too many jungle pictures.
Find Sam.
Um I-I-is that gonna take you long, uh Sam.
Sam.
You wouldn't like another electrician to help you, would you? I'm no electrician.
I'm a scientist.
A scientist, huh? Yeah.
It's a beautiful success story.
I'm the first scientist in our family.
One of my brothers made it big in show business.
Maybe you saw him on The Jerry Lewis Show.
Mm, no, I I don't think I caught it.
Uh Y-you're gonna You're gonna be able to, uh, put that back together, aren't you? [BUZZ.]
Uh, will you excuse me, please? Hello, Major Nelson here.
Oh, hello, Dr.
Bellows.
[GUTTURAL GRUNTS.]
Huh? Just a minute.
Y-you, uh You say Sam's escaped? You think he's on his way over here.
Well, w-why? Huh A mother what? Oh.
Oh, yeah.
Yes, sir.
Of course we'll keep our eyes open for him.
Right, sir.
Yeah.
Hey, uh, Dr.
Bellows is on his way over here.
He thinks Sam is coming.
Don't let him get me.
I wanna stay here with you.
Now, wait a minute here.
Eh, would you get off, huh? I don't wanna go back in that cage.
You know, look Get off, will you? Nobody's gonna put you back in a cage.
What's the matter with you, Sam? Sam.
That's Sam.
I know it's Sam.
Sam? It can't be Sam.
Yeah-heh.
Uh, yes, it can be.
Jeannie.
Jeannie! Why would Jeannie do a thing like that? Why does she do anything? Jeannie! Don't let 'em take me.
He treated me like a monkey.
Yeah, but, Sam, you are a monkey.
Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.
Who are you calling a monkey? Uh, Sam, I'm sorry about this, but you're just gonna have to become a chimpanzee again.
You wanna be a chimpanzee? Be a chimpanzee.
I'm staying a man.
Eh, Sam.
This whole thing is a mistake.
Uh, uh, uh, uh So you see, a friend of mine, I have this [.]
[WOMEN CHATTERING.]
Good afternoon.
Good afternoon.
Can I help you? Oh, I hope so.
My master sent me.
Uh, well, what exactly can we do for you? Well I-I-I am not sure.
I've never been to a beauty parlor before.
You've never Just one minute.
I'll get Mr.
Sidney, okay? Mm.
[CHATTER, LAUGHTER.]
Uh, good afternoon.
Oh.
I understand you've never been in a beauty salon before.
That is right.
What would you like? Well, what do you have? I'm glad you asked.
Uh, get ready for one super deluxe.
[GIGGLES.]
[LAUGHS.]
Right this way, please.
TONY: Sam, now Now Try Sam Uh, what I've been trying to say is that, uh, according to Darwin, it's gonna be several thousand years before you reach our level of development.
Uh Oh Sam, you You'd be Be much happier as a chimp.
Oh, yeah? Have you ever seen a chimp driving around in a convertible with a blond.
Heh-heh.
I've got a mate you wouldn't believe.
Big, hairy Rrr.
[SNIFFS.]
He's coming.
I smell it.
You smell who? Hey, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Don't go up there.
[BOTH SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
Any sign of Sam? Oh, y-yeah.
Uh, no.
Nothing to talk about.
Nothing to talk about, sir.
Well, I have a general alarm out, and I've had the base sealed off.
Oh, he won't get away.
After all, how far can a chimpanzee get before someone sees him.
Well, I I think I can, uh, guarantee he'll be up in that capsule tomorrow.
Yeah, he's gone! Who's gone? Well, Sam.
We know that, major.
That's why I put out a general alarm.
You'd better pull yourself together.
Yes.
Come on, let's go.
Wait, where? Where? Come on.
[CHATTERING.]
And you have a lovely complexion.
It's hard to believe you've never been in a beauty salon.
Well, I used to go to the Roman baths a lot.
The Roman baths? Yes.
Nero's wife and I used to go every Saturday morning before the chariot races.
Oh.
Oh, I hope my master likes the way I look.
Oh-ho-ho.
I'm sure he will.
[GRUNTS.]
There we go.
[SCREAMS.]
What? Madam.
Oh.
This isn't beauty parlor.
[BUZZING.]
Sam.
Oh, Sam.
[WHISTLES.]
Sam.
Sam! What are we gonna do, Tony? I'm afraid he's gotten away.
Oh, how could he have gotten away? There's There's nowhere to go.
There's guards all over the place.
Yeah.
I know.
We'll use psychology.
Think like a chimp.
No, I'm serious.
Now, if you were a chimpanzee, and And you wanted to hide, where would you go? Well, I don't know.
The first place I'd go is up a tree.
[.]
[GRUNTS AGGRESSIVELY.]
[SQUEALS.]
Now, come on down, Sam.
Nobody's gonna hurt you.
I'm staying here till that missile goes up.
How would you like a banana? Or some peanuts? I'll get you a bag of peanuts.
What do ya say? Major Nelson.
Yes? Would you mind telling me what you're doing? Uh Oh, I was speaking to the gardener, sir.
He's pruning the trees.
Well, I suggest that you get on with your search for Sam.
That's what I was doing, sir.
I thought perhaps the gardener had seen him.
Have you? [SCREECHES AGGRESSIVELY.]
A simple yes or no would have been sufficient.
Help these days is impossible.
ROGER: Now what? I mean, even if we get him down, how are we gonna turn him back into a chimpanzee again? Yeah.
[TARZAN YELL.]
Shh.
Be quiet.
Uh, Jeannie.
Jeannie what? Jeannie'll change him back.
That's the answer Would you? But Jeannie isn't here.
Well, she will be.
Whenever I'm in trouble, I just concentrate on her, and she comes to me.
Now, I gotta concentrate.
Ahem.
Jeannie.
Jeannie.
Would you like some coffee? I cannot hear you.
Would you like some coffee? Oh, yes, I would.
Jeannie.
Yeah, it's no use, Roge.
You mean your friend's not gonna change me back again.
Yeah, that's right.
Come on, let's go.
ROGER: Wait a minute.
Hey! Wait for me.
Do you hear something? No.
I thought I heard someone calling my name.
May I use your phone? Oh, yes.
There's one in the other room.
Oh.
I'll get it.
Please do not bother.
The first thing I'm gonna do is move in with you.
I'm a lot of laughs once you get to know me.
Boy, we'll really be swinging.
At the end of a noose.
What? Nothing.
Sam, you wouldn't want to hold up the space program, would you? What? Who, me? I'm all ready to go up.
All you have to do is call Dr.
Bellows and tell him who I am.
He's got you there.
Hey.
What do you say we all go nightclubbing? Someplace where they got a lot of swinging chicks.
Zowie.
[INTERCOM BUZZES.]
That's probably Dr.
Bellows.
Give him my love.
Hello.
Major Nelson here.
JEANNIE: Hello, master.
Oh.
Heh-heh.
Hello, uh Hello, major.
Major? [GIGGLES.]
This is Jeannie, master.
Yes, I know.
You know that package you exchanged for me? Package? [GASPS.]
Oh.
You must mean Sam.
I knew that would make you happy, master.
Heh-heh.
Well, happy's not really the word for it.
Yeah, I'd like you to take it back.
Oh, but I thought that Yeah, look Jeannie, I'd like you to take it back right now.
If that is what you wish.
That's what I wish.
Ohh! [GASPS.]
Hello? I don't think we'll ever get this place back together again.
[GIBBERING.]
What did you say? Sam.
Hey, Tony, it's that Jeannie's turned him back again.
Oh, you're not gonna do any nightclubbing after all.
You're going up in space tomorrow.
Not if I can help it.
Say on him it looks good.
See you later.
[GIBBERING.]
Tony? Is that you Tony? Don't worry about a thing.
I'm gonna sneak you out of here.
Sam! Where? You found Sam.
Oh, this Found Sam.
Oh, that's, uh That's not Sam, sir.
Then who is it? Who is that? Oh, that's, uh That's Ernie.
It's his cousin.
Used to hang around at the zoo, and Now, don't be ridiculous, Major Healey.
There's only one chimpanzee around here.
Why Besides, I know Sam when I see him.
Here we are.
Come along, Sam.
Whoa, whoa.
Wait a minute.
You can't take Sam with you, sir.
And why not? Well, he's just a baby.
Oh, Major Healey.
Sam has been trained for this mission.
Where's Major Nelson? I-I think he's at the end of his rope.
Send him to me as soon as you find him.
This mission is going up on schedule.
Sir? Oh.
Jeannie.
Jeannie.
Jeannie.
There.
That looks truly elegant.
No.
Thank you very much but I think I like it better the other way.
There.
Do you not think this is bet? [THUMP.]
RECEPTIONIST: Mr.
Sidney.
Yes, General Wisten, that's right.
Sam is right here in my office.
And he's in fine shape for his little trip into space.
[GIBBERING.]
Oh.
Don't worry, sir.
Hm-hm.
I intend to keep Sam here right with me every second until blastoff.
Thank you, general.
That's very kind of you.
Well, it was just a question of understanding animal psychology.
Yes.
The animal mind is so different [HIGH-PITCHED WAIL.]
Dr.
Bellows.
Are you there? General Wisten I've just discovered the missing link.
[GIBBERING.]
Oh, excuse me.
I'll see ya later, honey.
I gotta visit a sick friend.
[GRUNTING SOFTLY.]
Well How you doing, buddy boy? [GIBBERING.]
I know just how you feel.
I'm up to here with them bananas myself.
Hey, you know this evolution you was telling me about.
I kind of like it.
Master.
Master, I'm home.
[BRAKES SCREECH.]
Jeannie! Oh, Major Healey.
Oh.
Where's Major Nelson? Where? You're asking me where Major Nelson is? He's a monkey, that's where he is.
I do not understand.
Yeah, well, you blinked cockeyed and turned him into a chimpanzee.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Wait for me! Wait.
Oh, wait.
Wait! I'd help you out, buddy boy, but I have this date tonight with a brunette.
This is the life.
I'm taking her up to our place for a drink.
Good luck, Tony.
Oh.
Hi.
How's tricks? I will show you.
Oh.
Oh.
Jeannie.
Oh, master.
You are not angry with me? Uh Angry with you? You're the most beautiful person I've ever seen.
You're the most beautiful person I've ever seen in my life.
Where have ya been? I went to the beauty parlor, where you sent me.
JEANNIE: Why did you not call me? [TONY LAUGHS.]
Why didn't I call you? Mm.
Uh Uh Excuse me.
Yes.
Excuse me.
Uh, I'm afraid you're not gonna be able to keep that date tonight.
You're not really dressed for it, you know.
Sam.
You may not believe this but I envy you.
I really do.
You're gonna g Go up there and have a wonderful trip.
And we're gonna get you down safely.
Thattaboy.
Oh.
Oh.
Roger.
Roger.
He's gotta be going crazy.
Roger.
I gotta find Roger.
[GIGGLES.]
There you are, love bug.
Oh, yeah.
Good one.
[GIGGLES.]
BELLOWS: This is the most miraculous thing I've ever seen.
Oh.
If this is a joke of some kind General.
I'm telling you, I saw him write that with my own eyes.
Well I'll go down in history.
Ask him to write something.
Yes, sir.
Oh, Sam.
Uh, uh This is General Wisten.
He would, uh, like to see you write something.
Now, it doesn't have to be anything fancy.
Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.
You really believe this.
Oh, you'll see it for yourself, general.
Now here we are.
"The Gettysburg Address.
" Written by a monkey.
You almost had it right, doctor.
It was dictated by a monkey.
Psychiatrists! [DOOR SLAMS.]
Where did I go wrong? [GIBBERS.]
[MEN CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY.]
This is Control to Orbiter 5.
Control to Orbiter 5.
Can you hear me, Sam? TONY: Good.
You're doing fine.
Just Just relax.
I want you to press the green button, Sam.
The green button on the panel board.
[MAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY OVER PA.]
He did it.
I knew he could.
Heh.
All right, you're doing great.
Now, Sam, I want you to press the red button.
Yeah.
Excellent.
All right now, Sam, you You're just doing fine.
I want you to press the red and the green button at the same time.
TONY: Red and green, Sam.
Green and red, Sam.
SAM: Red and green? Are you kidding? I've only got two hands, you know.
It's do this, do that.
Do you know the trouble with you human beings? You're never satisfied.
Why can't you make up your mind about? [.]
We really should wait for Tony, sir.
He should be here any minute.
Major Nelson has exactly three minutes.
If he isn't here, we'll start the procedures without him.
Yes, sir.
Couldn't we delay it a little while, doctor? Two minutes, Major Healey.
But, doctor [TICKING.]
[.]
[GROANS.]
Jeannie! Jeannie! [SCREAMS.]
Good morning, master.
Uh, Jeannie, you let me oversleep.
I-I told you we were gonna have a dry run of a spaceshot today.
Well, I woke on time, but I I dreamed that we were married, and I could not resist going back for the honeymoon.
Get me to the base, would you, please? Now? Yes, now.
Oh, very well.
[SIGHS.]
It's not like Tony to be late, sir.
Major, we're gonna start.
Oh, uh, Dr.
Bellows.
[CHUCKLES.]
Uh, would you like some breakfast, sir? [.]
[.]
[.]
Five, four, three, two You're home, Sam.
[PHONE BUZZES.]
This is Cap-Com Control signing off.
[CHUCKLING.]
Yeah.
Perfect.
Hi, Tony.
Hello, major.
Take him down.
Oh, hello, doctor.
How'd it go at your end? An unqualified success, Major Nelson.
Your protégé is green for go for the real thing tomorrow.
I'm certain Sam appreciates your contribution.
Well, I didn't join the, uh, astronaut program to become a radio announcer, sir.
I was hoping NASA would put me in the driver's seat.
Well, I'm with Tony.
We're the senior astronauts on this project.
And who gets to make the first shot? Sam.
I mean, it isn't fair.
Now, don't be bitter, gentlemen.
If you really wanted first crack at this mission, why, you [CHUCKLES.]
You should have been more selective in choosing parents.
It's all a matter of heredity.
Well done, Sam.
[GIBBERING.]
All right, uh, Sam, press the green one.
[GIBBERING.]
ROGER: Hey.
TONY: Good boy.
Good boy, Sam.
There's something wrong with this.
I'm gonna have to check it.
I'm gonna have to get a technician to take a look at this panel.
Hurry up, will ya, Tony? Everybody else has gone for lunch.
Master! [GASPS.]
Oh! Jeannie! Oh, thank heavens.
Oh, for a minute, I thought that What are you doing here? I told you never come to NASA.
Never.
But it is important, master.
You said I could come if it was an emergency.
Well, what happened? What's the matter? I got lonely.
You got lonely?! You got lonely?! Why do we not go to a movie this afternoon? Because Roger and I have a lot of work to do.
Now, get out, and I mean it.
Now.
[SIGHS.]
Hey! Look what Sam's doing.
Yeah? Oh, uh, S-Sam.
Sam, please, now, don't touch any of the buttons until I give you the orders, huh? Red for red, and green for green, okay? Don't worry.
He'll be all right when the time comes.
Yeah, but what good is it? He can't make any decisions.
We might as well have a robot up there.
I will buy lunch.
I know a wonderful little restaurant along the banks of the Nile.
Really? Well, I'm starved.
I Roger, we've got work to do.
Lots of work to do.
BELLOWS: Oh, uh, Major Nelson, I was Doctor.
Uh Insha'Allah, effendi.
Um who was that? The water boy.
Yes.
Come along, Sam.
We have a lot of work to do.
[.]
Whew.
[LAUGHS.]
Was that not brilliant, master? He did not suspect a thing.
[CHUCKLES.]
No.
He probably just thought you were one of the regular, run-of-the-mill NASA Arabs.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Goodbye, Jeannie.
No lunch? No lunch.
Dr.
Bellows is expecting too much out of this.
What do you mean? Even if Sam does his job properly, we're gonna get limited information.
What Orbiter 5 needs up there is a man.
Well let's stop dreaming and get back to work.
We don't have a man, we've got a monkey.
Master.
Jeannie, please.
Where shall I go? Where does any woman go? Spend the day at the beauty parlor.
Very well, master.
Jeannie.
Mm.
Yes, master? Please.
Goodbye, master.
You've done very well this morning, Sam.
Here's a reward for you.
[.]
Now, Sam the next test we're gonna Sam? Sam?! Look, I-I That wiring's loose.
I think we'd better get an electrician in here.
Uh I don't think we ought to fool around with it.
Hold on.
I got an idea.
[GRUNTS.]
Give me Give me the screwdriver, will ya? Mm-hm.
Hi.
Oh, hi.
That was fast.
Um, there's something wrong with the signal switch.
Would you look at it, please? Sure.
Come out, come out, wherever you are.
Here's a nice banana for you.
Now, you've got to be in this room somewhere.
Yeah, you're new around here, aren't you? Mm.
Hm? Where? Where are you from? The Cameroons.
Equatorial West Africa.
That's where I was born and raised as a kid.
[CHUCKLES.]
No kidding.
Yeah.
And then my My whole family got captured.
Captured? Wire ends.
Sam is irreplaceable.
You are not.
I want you to find that chimp.
Oh, I will, general.
I will.
And I think I know just where to look.
I said to myself, if I were a chimpanzee, where would I go? And what did you decide? I'd go to where Major Nelson is.
Major Nelson? Yes, sir.
My theory is that Sam has gone in search of his mother substitute.
And Tony Nelson is Sam's mother substitute.
That's right, general.
After all, Major Nelson has worked very closely with Sam.
Sam's animal instincts told him that he was being placed in jeopardy.
And he felt an overwhelming need for the warmth and comfort of the maternal bosom.
How does that sound to you, sir? It sounds to me as though you've been seeing too many jungle pictures.
Find Sam.
Um I-I-is that gonna take you long, uh Sam.
Sam.
You wouldn't like another electrician to help you, would you? I'm no electrician.
I'm a scientist.
A scientist, huh? Yeah.
It's a beautiful success story.
I'm the first scientist in our family.
One of my brothers made it big in show business.
Maybe you saw him on The Jerry Lewis Show.
Mm, no, I I don't think I caught it.
Uh Y-you're gonna You're gonna be able to, uh, put that back together, aren't you? [BUZZ.]
Uh, will you excuse me, please? Hello, Major Nelson here.
Oh, hello, Dr.
Bellows.
[GUTTURAL GRUNTS.]
Huh? Just a minute.
Y-you, uh You say Sam's escaped? You think he's on his way over here.
Well, w-why? Huh A mother what? Oh.
Oh, yeah.
Yes, sir.
Of course we'll keep our eyes open for him.
Right, sir.
Yeah.
Hey, uh, Dr.
Bellows is on his way over here.
He thinks Sam is coming.
Don't let him get me.
I wanna stay here with you.
Now, wait a minute here.
Eh, would you get off, huh? I don't wanna go back in that cage.
You know, look Get off, will you? Nobody's gonna put you back in a cage.
What's the matter with you, Sam? Sam.
That's Sam.
I know it's Sam.
Sam? It can't be Sam.
Yeah-heh.
Uh, yes, it can be.
Jeannie.
Jeannie! Why would Jeannie do a thing like that? Why does she do anything? Jeannie! Don't let 'em take me.
He treated me like a monkey.
Yeah, but, Sam, you are a monkey.
Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.
Who are you calling a monkey? Uh, Sam, I'm sorry about this, but you're just gonna have to become a chimpanzee again.
You wanna be a chimpanzee? Be a chimpanzee.
I'm staying a man.
Eh, Sam.
This whole thing is a mistake.
Uh, uh, uh, uh So you see, a friend of mine, I have this [.]
[WOMEN CHATTERING.]
Good afternoon.
Good afternoon.
Can I help you? Oh, I hope so.
My master sent me.
Uh, well, what exactly can we do for you? Well I-I-I am not sure.
I've never been to a beauty parlor before.
You've never Just one minute.
I'll get Mr.
Sidney, okay? Mm.
[CHATTER, LAUGHTER.]
Uh, good afternoon.
Oh.
I understand you've never been in a beauty salon before.
That is right.
What would you like? Well, what do you have? I'm glad you asked.
Uh, get ready for one super deluxe.
[GIGGLES.]
[LAUGHS.]
Right this way, please.
TONY: Sam, now Now Try Sam Uh, what I've been trying to say is that, uh, according to Darwin, it's gonna be several thousand years before you reach our level of development.
Uh Oh Sam, you You'd be Be much happier as a chimp.
Oh, yeah? Have you ever seen a chimp driving around in a convertible with a blond.
Heh-heh.
I've got a mate you wouldn't believe.
Big, hairy Rrr.
[SNIFFS.]
He's coming.
I smell it.
You smell who? Hey, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Don't go up there.
[BOTH SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
Any sign of Sam? Oh, y-yeah.
Uh, no.
Nothing to talk about.
Nothing to talk about, sir.
Well, I have a general alarm out, and I've had the base sealed off.
Oh, he won't get away.
After all, how far can a chimpanzee get before someone sees him.
Well, I I think I can, uh, guarantee he'll be up in that capsule tomorrow.
Yeah, he's gone! Who's gone? Well, Sam.
We know that, major.
That's why I put out a general alarm.
You'd better pull yourself together.
Yes.
Come on, let's go.
Wait, where? Where? Come on.
[CHATTERING.]
And you have a lovely complexion.
It's hard to believe you've never been in a beauty salon.
Well, I used to go to the Roman baths a lot.
The Roman baths? Yes.
Nero's wife and I used to go every Saturday morning before the chariot races.
Oh.
Oh, I hope my master likes the way I look.
Oh-ho-ho.
I'm sure he will.
[GRUNTS.]
There we go.
[SCREAMS.]
What? Madam.
Oh.
This isn't beauty parlor.
[BUZZING.]
Sam.
Oh, Sam.
[WHISTLES.]
Sam.
Sam! What are we gonna do, Tony? I'm afraid he's gotten away.
Oh, how could he have gotten away? There's There's nowhere to go.
There's guards all over the place.
Yeah.
I know.
We'll use psychology.
Think like a chimp.
No, I'm serious.
Now, if you were a chimpanzee, and And you wanted to hide, where would you go? Well, I don't know.
The first place I'd go is up a tree.
[.]
[GRUNTS AGGRESSIVELY.]
[SQUEALS.]
Now, come on down, Sam.
Nobody's gonna hurt you.
I'm staying here till that missile goes up.
How would you like a banana? Or some peanuts? I'll get you a bag of peanuts.
What do ya say? Major Nelson.
Yes? Would you mind telling me what you're doing? Uh Oh, I was speaking to the gardener, sir.
He's pruning the trees.
Well, I suggest that you get on with your search for Sam.
That's what I was doing, sir.
I thought perhaps the gardener had seen him.
Have you? [SCREECHES AGGRESSIVELY.]
A simple yes or no would have been sufficient.
Help these days is impossible.
ROGER: Now what? I mean, even if we get him down, how are we gonna turn him back into a chimpanzee again? Yeah.
[TARZAN YELL.]
Shh.
Be quiet.
Uh, Jeannie.
Jeannie what? Jeannie'll change him back.
That's the answer Would you? But Jeannie isn't here.
Well, she will be.
Whenever I'm in trouble, I just concentrate on her, and she comes to me.
Now, I gotta concentrate.
Ahem.
Jeannie.
Jeannie.
Would you like some coffee? I cannot hear you.
Would you like some coffee? Oh, yes, I would.
Jeannie.
Yeah, it's no use, Roge.
You mean your friend's not gonna change me back again.
Yeah, that's right.
Come on, let's go.
ROGER: Wait a minute.
Hey! Wait for me.
Do you hear something? No.
I thought I heard someone calling my name.
May I use your phone? Oh, yes.
There's one in the other room.
Oh.
I'll get it.
Please do not bother.
The first thing I'm gonna do is move in with you.
I'm a lot of laughs once you get to know me.
Boy, we'll really be swinging.
At the end of a noose.
What? Nothing.
Sam, you wouldn't want to hold up the space program, would you? What? Who, me? I'm all ready to go up.
All you have to do is call Dr.
Bellows and tell him who I am.
He's got you there.
Hey.
What do you say we all go nightclubbing? Someplace where they got a lot of swinging chicks.
Zowie.
[INTERCOM BUZZES.]
That's probably Dr.
Bellows.
Give him my love.
Hello.
Major Nelson here.
JEANNIE: Hello, master.
Oh.
Heh-heh.
Hello, uh Hello, major.
Major? [GIGGLES.]
This is Jeannie, master.
Yes, I know.
You know that package you exchanged for me? Package? [GASPS.]
Oh.
You must mean Sam.
I knew that would make you happy, master.
Heh-heh.
Well, happy's not really the word for it.
Yeah, I'd like you to take it back.
Oh, but I thought that Yeah, look Jeannie, I'd like you to take it back right now.
If that is what you wish.
That's what I wish.
Ohh! [GASPS.]
Hello? I don't think we'll ever get this place back together again.
[GIBBERING.]
What did you say? Sam.
Hey, Tony, it's that Jeannie's turned him back again.
Oh, you're not gonna do any nightclubbing after all.
You're going up in space tomorrow.
Not if I can help it.
Say on him it looks good.
See you later.
[GIBBERING.]
Tony? Is that you Tony? Don't worry about a thing.
I'm gonna sneak you out of here.
Sam! Where? You found Sam.
Oh, this Found Sam.
Oh, that's, uh That's not Sam, sir.
Then who is it? Who is that? Oh, that's, uh That's Ernie.
It's his cousin.
Used to hang around at the zoo, and Now, don't be ridiculous, Major Healey.
There's only one chimpanzee around here.
Why Besides, I know Sam when I see him.
Here we are.
Come along, Sam.
Whoa, whoa.
Wait a minute.
You can't take Sam with you, sir.
And why not? Well, he's just a baby.
Oh, Major Healey.
Sam has been trained for this mission.
Where's Major Nelson? I-I think he's at the end of his rope.
Send him to me as soon as you find him.
This mission is going up on schedule.
Sir? Oh.
Jeannie.
Jeannie.
Jeannie.
There.
That looks truly elegant.
No.
Thank you very much but I think I like it better the other way.
There.
Do you not think this is bet? [THUMP.]
RECEPTIONIST: Mr.
Sidney.
Yes, General Wisten, that's right.
Sam is right here in my office.
And he's in fine shape for his little trip into space.
[GIBBERING.]
Oh.
Don't worry, sir.
Hm-hm.
I intend to keep Sam here right with me every second until blastoff.
Thank you, general.
That's very kind of you.
Well, it was just a question of understanding animal psychology.
Yes.
The animal mind is so different [HIGH-PITCHED WAIL.]
Dr.
Bellows.
Are you there? General Wisten I've just discovered the missing link.
[GIBBERING.]
Oh, excuse me.
I'll see ya later, honey.
I gotta visit a sick friend.
[GRUNTING SOFTLY.]
Well How you doing, buddy boy? [GIBBERING.]
I know just how you feel.
I'm up to here with them bananas myself.
Hey, you know this evolution you was telling me about.
I kind of like it.
Master.
Master, I'm home.
[BRAKES SCREECH.]
Jeannie! Oh, Major Healey.
Oh.
Where's Major Nelson? Where? You're asking me where Major Nelson is? He's a monkey, that's where he is.
I do not understand.
Yeah, well, you blinked cockeyed and turned him into a chimpanzee.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Wait for me! Wait.
Oh, wait.
Wait! I'd help you out, buddy boy, but I have this date tonight with a brunette.
This is the life.
I'm taking her up to our place for a drink.
Good luck, Tony.
Oh.
Hi.
How's tricks? I will show you.
Oh.
Oh.
Jeannie.
Oh, master.
You are not angry with me? Uh Angry with you? You're the most beautiful person I've ever seen.
You're the most beautiful person I've ever seen in my life.
Where have ya been? I went to the beauty parlor, where you sent me.
JEANNIE: Why did you not call me? [TONY LAUGHS.]
Why didn't I call you? Mm.
Uh Uh Excuse me.
Yes.
Excuse me.
Uh, I'm afraid you're not gonna be able to keep that date tonight.
You're not really dressed for it, you know.
Sam.
You may not believe this but I envy you.
I really do.
You're gonna g Go up there and have a wonderful trip.
And we're gonna get you down safely.
Thattaboy.
Oh.
Oh.
Roger.
Roger.
He's gotta be going crazy.
Roger.
I gotta find Roger.
[GIGGLES.]
There you are, love bug.
Oh, yeah.
Good one.
[GIGGLES.]
BELLOWS: This is the most miraculous thing I've ever seen.
Oh.
If this is a joke of some kind General.
I'm telling you, I saw him write that with my own eyes.
Well I'll go down in history.
Ask him to write something.
Yes, sir.
Oh, Sam.
Uh, uh This is General Wisten.
He would, uh, like to see you write something.
Now, it doesn't have to be anything fancy.
Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.
You really believe this.
Oh, you'll see it for yourself, general.
Now here we are.
"The Gettysburg Address.
" Written by a monkey.
You almost had it right, doctor.
It was dictated by a monkey.
Psychiatrists! [DOOR SLAMS.]
Where did I go wrong? [GIBBERS.]
[MEN CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY.]
This is Control to Orbiter 5.
Control to Orbiter 5.
Can you hear me, Sam? TONY: Good.
You're doing fine.
Just Just relax.
I want you to press the green button, Sam.
The green button on the panel board.
[MAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY OVER PA.]
He did it.
I knew he could.
Heh.
All right, you're doing great.
Now, Sam, I want you to press the red button.
Yeah.
Excellent.
All right now, Sam, you You're just doing fine.
I want you to press the red and the green button at the same time.
TONY: Red and green, Sam.
Green and red, Sam.
SAM: Red and green? Are you kidding? I've only got two hands, you know.
It's do this, do that.
Do you know the trouble with you human beings? You're never satisfied.
Why can't you make up your mind about? [.]