I Dream of Jeannie (1965) s03e03 Episode Script
The Second Greatest Con Artist in the World
[.]
[WHISPERS.]
Master.
Oh! Uh Jeannie.
Well What are you doing? I'm trying to sneak out of here.
Oh.
Are you trying to get away from someone? That's right, Jeannie.
Shh! I will help you.
Who are you trying to get away from? [GIGGLES.]
You! [GASPS.]
[.]
[.]
You mean you do not want me to go with you? Well, that's the general idea, Jeannie.
Look, I have a very important press conference, and well, I just don't want you to attract any attention.
Why don't you go to D-Diamond Head or something, huh? Because I want to be with you.
I will not attract any attention, master.
[CHUCKLING.]
Oh, come on.
Oh, I promise.
I will sit in a corner like a small little mouse, and no one will even know I am there.
I'll know.
I Look, I- I don't have time to Look what you've done to my papers.
I gotta collect all these Oh, I will get them for you, master.
Uh Thank you.
[CHUCKLES.]
Then I may go with you? Well, I really don't have a choice, do I? Mm-mm.
Oh, brother.
TONY: Uh, good morning, gentlemen.
Good morning, Major Nelson.
Major.
Uh, this is Miss Jeannie.
How do you do? How do you do? Why don't you tilt your hat back a little, major, and we'll get a few pictures.
JEANNIE: Oh, I will stay in the corner like a small little mouse.
Oh.
Good girl.
Boy, that's an interesting pin.
It must be a copy of the King Tut scarab.
A copy? Huh! This is the original.
The original? Why, that's worth a half million dollars.
Let's get this picture here.
PHOTOGRAPHER: A half a million dollars? Is it true? Can't believe it.
Yes.
[.]
TONY: "I will sit in the corner like a little mouse" I am sorry, master.
[GRUNTS.]
Jeannie, why did you have to wear that pin? I wanted to look nice for you.
Oh.
I see.
Did that thing really cost a half a million dollars? I do not know.
King Tut did not say.
Did King Tut really give you this? Oh, yes.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, he was quite fond of me.
He was a very nice man, you know.
Bit of an egomaniac.
I mean, most people are satisfied with a little tiny tombstone.
But King Tut had to have the biggest in whole land, the pyramid, a golden coffin I know.
I know, I know.
I am sorry if I upset you, master.
That's all right.
I guess I'm just being overcautious.
[CHUCKLES.]
There's no harm done.
[GIGGLING.]
No, master.
[.]
Excuse me.
[SNAPS TWICE.]
I want you back here in exactly 17 minutes.
Yes, Mr.
Vanderhaven.
Don't keep me waiting.
No, Mr.
Vanderhaven.
My name is Vanderhaven.
I'm looking for Major Anthony Nelson.
Mr.
Vanderhaven.
Yes.
It is a great pleasure to have you in our hotel.
I hear that you never come ashore, and it is such Stop fawning.
Where can I find Major Nelson? He's on a beach terrace, sir.
Yeah.
I will be happy to take you to I'll find him myself.
Phew.
Master, it is such a beautiful day.
Why do we not go boating? Well, for one reason, I don't have a boat Major Nelson? Yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]
Forgive me for intruding.
My name is Vanderhaven.
Oh, yes, sir.
How do you do? I I heard that you were in Honolulu, and I came to tell you what a great honor it is to have you with us.
Well, thank you.
Uh, this is Miss Jeannie.
How do you do? Mister, uh? Vanderhaven.
Very glad to see you.
How do you do? Well Would you join us? Well, I'll only be a minute.
You know being in town makes me very, very nervous.
Oh, where do you live? On my yacht.
[GASPS.]
You have a yacht? Yes.
And I was hoping you'd come aboard and have lunch with me today.
Of course you're invited too.
[GASPING.]
Oh! Well, that's very kind of you, but I do have a mission It's the least I can do for one of our brave young astronauts.
I'll have you picked up about 1:00, okay? One o'clock would be fine.
Are you enjoying yourself on the island, uh, major? Oh, yes, yes.
The islands are beautiful.
I'd like to have a little house on the beach, you know, for vacation time.
Would you like a house on the beach? TONY: Uh I'll buy one when I can afford it, Jeannie.
Excuse my curiosity, but I, uh I'm a collector of antique jewelry.
Is that, uh? Is that scarab genuine? Oh, yes.
King Tut gave it to To a friend of his in court.
It's lovely.
Thank you.
Well, I, uh I guess I'd better be going.
I'm expecting a call from my London office, I'll see you at lunch, major.
A pleasure meeting you, sir.
A pleasure meeting you too.
Thank you.
You found him! Mr.
Vanderhaven, if there's anything Stop fawning.
TONY: Oh, Mr.
Chang.
Uh, pardon me.
Who is he? Mr.
Vanderhaven? He's the richest man in the world.
[SEA GULLS CAWING.]
[SNAPS THREE TIMES.]
Would you, uh, care to have a little more pineapple? Oh, no, thank you.
No, thanks.
I couldn't eat another bite.
This is certainly a beautiful yacht.
I'm very, very glad you like it.
I keep my large yacht at Nassau.
Would you like to have a beautiful yacht? No.
No, Jeannie.
You know, you two are very, very good friends, aren't you? Oh, yes, I would do anything for my Jeannie's very generous.
I admire that.
That's the trouble with the world today.
People only think of themselves.
[BELL CHIMING.]
Th Th That must be my call from my Brazil office.
Would you pardon me? Certainly.
Make yourself comfortable.
All right! [BELL CHIMING.]
All right, all right.
Take care with the old man's coat, he's gonna kill ya.
Oh, okay.
Drive me crazy.
Here.
Here.
He's in a very bad mood today.
Isn't he always? That miserable Working, working all the time.
All right, all right.
Calm, calm.
I look all right, Eddie? Yeah, yeah.
His favorite.
Here.
[EXHALES.]
What the devil kept you?! Oh, I-I've been preparing your luncheon, Mr.
Vanderhaven.
And I thought It's freezing in here.
No, it's very warm in here, sir.
You are contradicting me? Oh.
N-now that you mention it, sir, it is quite chilly in here.
Here's your luncheon, sir.
Ah, slop! Slop! Slop! I'm t But I'm the richest man in the world, and all I can eat is slop served me by incompetents.
Would you care to have another one, sir? No! I don't want anything else.
All I want to do is get out of this freezing climate.
Freezing, sir? But we're in Hawaii.
Well, from all I've seen of it, might as well be in the South Pole.
Get me my wheelchair, I'm going up on deck.
On deck? N-n-n-now, sir? Right now? Is there any reason I should not go on the deck of my own yacht? Well, no, I don't see any reason to I'll I'll get your umbrella, because there's a cold rain falling.
Again? Yes.
I'll stay in bed.
Whatever you say.
You sure you don't want anything else? No! I don't want anything else! Just get your stupid face out of here.
Out, out, out, out! Out! Yes, sir.
[.]
I hope you know what you're doing.
Have I ever let you down? Well, there was the time Never mind.
Do you wanna work for that cheap, miserable millionaire for the rest of your life? Well, there are worse jobs.
Yeah? Well, we're in his will.
What? For $10,000? Well, that's a lot of money.
Chickenfeed, pal.
Chickenfeed.
Do you realize that he'll outlive the both of us? There's over a half a million dollars ready to be taken.
But we'll never get away with it.
That That scarab is too well-known.
Even if you steal it, you'll never be able to get rid of it.
Do what? Steal it?! Yeah.
Who's talking about stealing? She's going to give it to us.
Why would she do that? Because we're smarter than she is.
Do you realize what we can do with a half a million dollars? Here we could invest it.
Yeah.
Yachts.
Girls.
How much we got in the bank? Twenty-five hundred dollars.
[SNAPS TWICE.]
Get it out.
What for? Bait.
We're going into town this afternoon for three things: A real-estate broker, a jeweler and a lumberyard.
Real-estate broker a jeweler and a lumberyard? I'm sorry I was detained, but those overseas calls are a nuisance, aren't they? Well, it's a pleasant place to get them.
And what would be more pleasant is for me to show you two around Oahu tomorrow.
Oh! Oh, thank you, Mr.
Vanderhaven, but I have quite a lot of work to do tomorrow.
Oh, that's a pity.
Uh, are you free? Am I free? Well, uh I am free.
Oh, good, good.
I'll, uh I'll pick you up in the morning, and I'll show you around the islands.
Oh, thank you.
Well, thank you.
Believe me, major this is going to be a rewarding experience.
[.]
CHARLES: Twenty-three, 24, 25.
The boys will never believe this, Mr.
Hinkey.
Yeah? May I ask what you want this land for? Is this in confidence? Of course.
It's for the president's anti-poverty program.
Oh.
[.]
Uh, good morning, miss.
Good morning.
Uh, where shall we go first, sir? Oh, I am so excited.
I want to be taken everywhere.
Don't worry.
You'll be taken.
Heh.
I told you to order the large helicopter.
You mean you have more than one? Yes, my dear, I have a fleet of them.
Heh.
Now make Jeannie comfortable, take her into the helicopter.
Mr.
Vanderhaven.
Yeah, that is correct.
I am Mr.
Vanderhaven.
Heh-heh.
How much is a half-hour ride? Fifty dollars.
Give me $11 worth.
Go ahead.
[.]
JEANNIE: Oh, look down there! That is Diamond Head! Is it not lovely? [GASPS.]
Oh! There is the Punchbowl.
I have seen pictures of it.
I wish Major Nelson were along.
Honolulu is so beautiful from the air.
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE.]
Are the guards off duty, Edward? Uh.
They They must be at lunch, sir.
All right.
Open the gate.
Open the gate.
Yes, sir.
And then I'll I'll help the lady down.
You help me down.
I'll help you down.
Step right this way, Jeannie.
Be very, very careful.
That's fine.
Walk right in here.
This is my pride and joy, this piece of land.
Would you like to see it? Oh, I would love to.
Well, fine.
Let's go.
Why do all the signs say "danger" and "keep off"? Well I'm afraid I can't discuss it now.
Even with you.
Heh-heh.
[QUIETLY.]
Step right up.
[.]
Oh! This is so wild and beautiful! Yes.
It's very relaxing.
Heh-heh.
In fact, the real-estate broker that I bought it from told me that there's not another beach like this on the island.
Oh, it would be a beautiful place to build a home.
Oh, yes, indeed.
A great place for somebody who wanted to rest.
Who wanted to get away from all the The pressure of being in space all the time.
Like Major Nelson.
Yes.
Like Major Nelson.
Oh.
He would adore this.
I'm sorry, dear, it's not for sale.
Oh.
[MOUTHING WORDS.]
Look how white the sand is.
It is lovely.
Yeah, they They don't make sand like this anymore.
Isn't it beautiful? Oh, yes.
All over.
Oh! This looks like a diamond.
Shh! Not so loud.
You mean it is a diamond? You have stumbled on my secret.
This beach is full of diamonds.
I did not know they had diamonds in Hawaii.
Sh.
They do have diamonds in Hawaii.
Why you think they call this Diamond Head? Oh.
Jeannie, look.
Look at that diamond.
[SQUEALS.]
Oh.
This is why you have the The guards and the gate and the signs Shh.
I was hoping it wouldn't leak out.
I Oh.
Look at that color.
Eddie, have them clean this beach.
EDDIE: Yes, Mr.
Vanderhaven.
This beach hasn't been cleaned since yesterday.
The tide is so high, it keeps washing the diamonds ashore.
That is why you do not wish to sell this land.
Well, I Like to say that money isn't everything.
Jeannie, I I thought if it would make you and Major Nelson very happy, you could have the land, I'd give it to you.
You are going to let me have it? I'm tempted.
Oh! That would be won No good.
Why not? Tsk.
He will never allow me to do anything for him.
Oh, my dear.
This wouldn't cost you anything.
It would not? No.
I'd give it to you for free.
Sit right down.
Oh.
Thank you.
That's fine, Jeannie.
Get the motor running.
Yes, Mr.
Vanderhaven.
Now I'll show you how the whole thing will work.
You pay for the land, and you'll get your money back on the diamonds.
That's how simple it is.
You are right.
That way it would not cost anyone anything.
How much money would you like for the land? Ooh.
I never gave it a thought, because money doesn't mean anything That's a beautiful scarab you're wearing.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh.
Would you take the scarab for the land? I guess so, if I was persuaded.
Oh, thank you! Oh.
Be careful.
It's the The diamond.
There's another one there.
Oh.
No, no.
Keep it, keep it, dear.
There's more where that came from.
Oh, Jeannie, I can just picture Major Nelson relaxing in the lanai of his beautiful home that he'll build here.
Oh-ho-ho.
Major Nelson will be so thrilled.
Yeah.
We're all going to be very thrilled.
Heh.
Uh, here is the deed to the land.
Oh, thank you! The, uh [SNAPS ONCE.]
Let's get the pin.
Oh.
Oh, yes.
That's fine.
Everything legal and above-board.
Heh-heh.
Uh, what time is it? It's quarter to 12, sir.
Quarter of 12.
We gotta be running along.
Let's Come on.
[.]
[BEEPING.]
VANDERHAVEN: Charles! [WHISTLES.]
Oh, there you are.
Where have you been? Eh Sightseeing.
You're smoking my cigar.
Yes, I am.
It's the last one I'm gonna smoke.
I can't stand these crummy cigars.
What? And I'm not crazy about you either.
Yeah You gone out of your? Have you lost your senses? Is that any way to talk to a sick man? You're not sick.
You're a hypochondriac.
I've had five years of cleaning up after you, being yelled at, watching you wheel and deal and cheat people.
Well, let me tell you something, Mr.
Vanderhaven.
I've been doing a little wheeling and dealing myself, and I'm quitting! You are not quitting, you're fired! Fired? I had you in my will for $10,000.
Peanuts, pal! Peanuts.
I am raising it to $50,000! Fifty thousand? Then I'm cutting you out of my will! All right! If you ever wanna sell this tub, get in touch with me.
I may be in the market.
Heh.
Keep warm, you old crook.
[STAMMERING.]
[.]
Master.
Oh.
Oh.
What is it? Master, I have the most exciting surprise for you.
Now I thought you were out touring the island with Mr.
Vanderhaven.
You now own the most beautiful beach in "Ohooha.
" [CHUCKLES.]
No, it's "Oahu.
" And you are going to build a beautiful home there and sit under the palm trees, and eat the coconuts as they fall.
Mm, Jeannie, I told you, whenever I wanted land I'd buy it myself.
Oh, but you do not have to buy it, master.
This land did not cost anything.
How'd you get it? Hm.
Oh, I was very clever.
How'd you get it? I was much smarter than Mr.
Vanderhaven.
And he is the richest man in the whole world.
How'd you get it? Hm.
All I had to do was to give him my scarab, and he gave me that.
Two acres of sand for For a jewel worth a half a million dollars? Oh, but it is not just sand, master.
It is covered with diamonds.
It's covered with diamonds? Yes.
Your land is full of them.
Hundreds are washed ashore from the big volcano.
[CHUCKLES.]
And that is why it is called Diamond Head.
Who told you that? Mr.
Vanderhaven.
Hm.
I have really done it this time, have I not, master? [CHUCKLING.]
You sure have.
You've been taken by the greatest con artist in the world.
Con artist? Yeah, Jeannie, there aren't any diamonds in Hawaii.
Oh, but you are wrong, master.
Heh.
I picked these up off your beach myself.
Oh, Jeannie.
These are probably just industrial diamonds that he scattered on the bea You've been taken by the oldest trick in the book.
Oh, no.
Oh, yeah.
No! Oh, my scarab.
Oh, King Tut will be furious with me.
Yeah.
Well, I will call the police and tell them exactly what happened.
Yeah, listen, Jeannie, uh, why don't you do that.
Uh, you call the police, and they'll wanna know who you are and where you're from.
And you'll say you're a genie.
Yes.
And you come out of a bottle.
That is right.
And they'll put us all away.
But what shall I do, master? Nothing.
Oh, but I must do some No, absolutely noth Maybe this will be a lesson to you.
Tsk.
Yes, master.
Mm.
Well, you didn't come off too badly.
I mean, you got three diamonds out of it.
Yes.
At least I got the diamonds out of it.
Yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well.
I shall be running along.
Where you going? [CHUCKLES.]
[YAWNING.]
Oh, I I will take a nap.
I, uh, am very sleepy.
I always get sleepy when I have been cheated.
Uh-huh.
Mr.
Vanderhaven.
I'm I didn't see you come in, Jeannie.
I wanted to speak to you about our land.
Oh, no.
You'll have to talk to my lawyer.
Now, we We have an ironclad deal.
If you have any complaints I did not come here to complain.
I came here to thank you.
There isn't a court in the world To thank me? Yes! I have just come from my beach.
You did not tell me how large the diamonds were.
No.
No.
CHARLES: They're diamonds.
They're diamonds.
They're real diamonds! Yes.
The tide keeps washing them up on the shore faster than the trucks can take them away.
T Trucks? Truckloads of Of diamonds? It was very generous of you.
Jeannie, you, uh You can't have that land.
Why not? Because this There's a curse on it.
There's a curse of the ancient gods of the volcanoes.
The Maman Doodan Dun curse.
Well, I I do not believe in curses.
Aw, y-you're a brave girl, and I would never forgive myself if I let anything happen to you.
Oh, but really Now don't argue.
We can't take any chances.
Now, I suggest one thing: Just leave this here.
And here, you You take You take back the scarab, huh? Heh.
Are you sure? Sure? I'm positive.
And, uh Uh, Jeannie, give me the deed to the land, please.
[MAGIC BOINGS.]
There you are.
I'm rich.
I'm the richest man in the world.
[LAUGHS.]
Truckloads! Truckloads! Enjoy yourself.
Oh.
You bet I will.
I w Let's go.
Let's go.
I Eddie.
W-where's the scarab? The what? The scarab.
You're kidding.
What scarab? You kidding, Eddie? I gave back that half- a-million-dollar trinket.
That scarab, ha-ha-ha-ha! You what? I gave it back.
Look at this, Eddie.
Look at this! You know what this is? Do you know what this is!? Rock candy.
Sure, it's rock ca [.]
Where will you be sailing next, Mr.
Vanderhaven? Uh, Tahiti.
I intend to spend six months there.
Oh, if you happen to run into Captain Bligh, will you say hello for me? [CHUCKLES.]
Jeannie.
Hello, Charles.
Hello, miss.
Yes, uh, ahem, Charles is a terrible scoundrel, but he's an excellent worker.
You know, I'm so thankful that the Honolulu police turned him over to me.
Impersonating someone else is a prison offense, isn't it, Charles? Yes, Mr.
Vanderhaven.
But Charles likes living the life of luxury.
Uh, don't you, Charles? [QUIETLY.]
Yes, sir.
When you've cleared away the dishes, you can clean up the galley.
Yes, sir.
And then press all of my clothes.
CHARLES: Yes, sir.
After that, you can, uh You were wrong, master.
Yeah? About what? You said he was the greatest con artist in the world.
Yeah? He is the second greatest.
[.]
[.]
[WHISPERS.]
Master.
Oh! Uh Jeannie.
Well What are you doing? I'm trying to sneak out of here.
Oh.
Are you trying to get away from someone? That's right, Jeannie.
Shh! I will help you.
Who are you trying to get away from? [GIGGLES.]
You! [GASPS.]
[.]
[.]
You mean you do not want me to go with you? Well, that's the general idea, Jeannie.
Look, I have a very important press conference, and well, I just don't want you to attract any attention.
Why don't you go to D-Diamond Head or something, huh? Because I want to be with you.
I will not attract any attention, master.
[CHUCKLING.]
Oh, come on.
Oh, I promise.
I will sit in a corner like a small little mouse, and no one will even know I am there.
I'll know.
I Look, I- I don't have time to Look what you've done to my papers.
I gotta collect all these Oh, I will get them for you, master.
Uh Thank you.
[CHUCKLES.]
Then I may go with you? Well, I really don't have a choice, do I? Mm-mm.
Oh, brother.
TONY: Uh, good morning, gentlemen.
Good morning, Major Nelson.
Major.
Uh, this is Miss Jeannie.
How do you do? How do you do? Why don't you tilt your hat back a little, major, and we'll get a few pictures.
JEANNIE: Oh, I will stay in the corner like a small little mouse.
Oh.
Good girl.
Boy, that's an interesting pin.
It must be a copy of the King Tut scarab.
A copy? Huh! This is the original.
The original? Why, that's worth a half million dollars.
Let's get this picture here.
PHOTOGRAPHER: A half a million dollars? Is it true? Can't believe it.
Yes.
[.]
TONY: "I will sit in the corner like a little mouse" I am sorry, master.
[GRUNTS.]
Jeannie, why did you have to wear that pin? I wanted to look nice for you.
Oh.
I see.
Did that thing really cost a half a million dollars? I do not know.
King Tut did not say.
Did King Tut really give you this? Oh, yes.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, he was quite fond of me.
He was a very nice man, you know.
Bit of an egomaniac.
I mean, most people are satisfied with a little tiny tombstone.
But King Tut had to have the biggest in whole land, the pyramid, a golden coffin I know.
I know, I know.
I am sorry if I upset you, master.
That's all right.
I guess I'm just being overcautious.
[CHUCKLES.]
There's no harm done.
[GIGGLING.]
No, master.
[.]
Excuse me.
[SNAPS TWICE.]
I want you back here in exactly 17 minutes.
Yes, Mr.
Vanderhaven.
Don't keep me waiting.
No, Mr.
Vanderhaven.
My name is Vanderhaven.
I'm looking for Major Anthony Nelson.
Mr.
Vanderhaven.
Yes.
It is a great pleasure to have you in our hotel.
I hear that you never come ashore, and it is such Stop fawning.
Where can I find Major Nelson? He's on a beach terrace, sir.
Yeah.
I will be happy to take you to I'll find him myself.
Phew.
Master, it is such a beautiful day.
Why do we not go boating? Well, for one reason, I don't have a boat Major Nelson? Yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]
Forgive me for intruding.
My name is Vanderhaven.
Oh, yes, sir.
How do you do? I I heard that you were in Honolulu, and I came to tell you what a great honor it is to have you with us.
Well, thank you.
Uh, this is Miss Jeannie.
How do you do? Mister, uh? Vanderhaven.
Very glad to see you.
How do you do? Well Would you join us? Well, I'll only be a minute.
You know being in town makes me very, very nervous.
Oh, where do you live? On my yacht.
[GASPS.]
You have a yacht? Yes.
And I was hoping you'd come aboard and have lunch with me today.
Of course you're invited too.
[GASPING.]
Oh! Well, that's very kind of you, but I do have a mission It's the least I can do for one of our brave young astronauts.
I'll have you picked up about 1:00, okay? One o'clock would be fine.
Are you enjoying yourself on the island, uh, major? Oh, yes, yes.
The islands are beautiful.
I'd like to have a little house on the beach, you know, for vacation time.
Would you like a house on the beach? TONY: Uh I'll buy one when I can afford it, Jeannie.
Excuse my curiosity, but I, uh I'm a collector of antique jewelry.
Is that, uh? Is that scarab genuine? Oh, yes.
King Tut gave it to To a friend of his in court.
It's lovely.
Thank you.
Well, I, uh I guess I'd better be going.
I'm expecting a call from my London office, I'll see you at lunch, major.
A pleasure meeting you, sir.
A pleasure meeting you too.
Thank you.
You found him! Mr.
Vanderhaven, if there's anything Stop fawning.
TONY: Oh, Mr.
Chang.
Uh, pardon me.
Who is he? Mr.
Vanderhaven? He's the richest man in the world.
[SEA GULLS CAWING.]
[SNAPS THREE TIMES.]
Would you, uh, care to have a little more pineapple? Oh, no, thank you.
No, thanks.
I couldn't eat another bite.
This is certainly a beautiful yacht.
I'm very, very glad you like it.
I keep my large yacht at Nassau.
Would you like to have a beautiful yacht? No.
No, Jeannie.
You know, you two are very, very good friends, aren't you? Oh, yes, I would do anything for my Jeannie's very generous.
I admire that.
That's the trouble with the world today.
People only think of themselves.
[BELL CHIMING.]
Th Th That must be my call from my Brazil office.
Would you pardon me? Certainly.
Make yourself comfortable.
All right! [BELL CHIMING.]
All right, all right.
Take care with the old man's coat, he's gonna kill ya.
Oh, okay.
Drive me crazy.
Here.
Here.
He's in a very bad mood today.
Isn't he always? That miserable Working, working all the time.
All right, all right.
Calm, calm.
I look all right, Eddie? Yeah, yeah.
His favorite.
Here.
[EXHALES.]
What the devil kept you?! Oh, I-I've been preparing your luncheon, Mr.
Vanderhaven.
And I thought It's freezing in here.
No, it's very warm in here, sir.
You are contradicting me? Oh.
N-now that you mention it, sir, it is quite chilly in here.
Here's your luncheon, sir.
Ah, slop! Slop! Slop! I'm t But I'm the richest man in the world, and all I can eat is slop served me by incompetents.
Would you care to have another one, sir? No! I don't want anything else.
All I want to do is get out of this freezing climate.
Freezing, sir? But we're in Hawaii.
Well, from all I've seen of it, might as well be in the South Pole.
Get me my wheelchair, I'm going up on deck.
On deck? N-n-n-now, sir? Right now? Is there any reason I should not go on the deck of my own yacht? Well, no, I don't see any reason to I'll I'll get your umbrella, because there's a cold rain falling.
Again? Yes.
I'll stay in bed.
Whatever you say.
You sure you don't want anything else? No! I don't want anything else! Just get your stupid face out of here.
Out, out, out, out! Out! Yes, sir.
[.]
I hope you know what you're doing.
Have I ever let you down? Well, there was the time Never mind.
Do you wanna work for that cheap, miserable millionaire for the rest of your life? Well, there are worse jobs.
Yeah? Well, we're in his will.
What? For $10,000? Well, that's a lot of money.
Chickenfeed, pal.
Chickenfeed.
Do you realize that he'll outlive the both of us? There's over a half a million dollars ready to be taken.
But we'll never get away with it.
That That scarab is too well-known.
Even if you steal it, you'll never be able to get rid of it.
Do what? Steal it?! Yeah.
Who's talking about stealing? She's going to give it to us.
Why would she do that? Because we're smarter than she is.
Do you realize what we can do with a half a million dollars? Here we could invest it.
Yeah.
Yachts.
Girls.
How much we got in the bank? Twenty-five hundred dollars.
[SNAPS TWICE.]
Get it out.
What for? Bait.
We're going into town this afternoon for three things: A real-estate broker, a jeweler and a lumberyard.
Real-estate broker a jeweler and a lumberyard? I'm sorry I was detained, but those overseas calls are a nuisance, aren't they? Well, it's a pleasant place to get them.
And what would be more pleasant is for me to show you two around Oahu tomorrow.
Oh! Oh, thank you, Mr.
Vanderhaven, but I have quite a lot of work to do tomorrow.
Oh, that's a pity.
Uh, are you free? Am I free? Well, uh I am free.
Oh, good, good.
I'll, uh I'll pick you up in the morning, and I'll show you around the islands.
Oh, thank you.
Well, thank you.
Believe me, major this is going to be a rewarding experience.
[.]
CHARLES: Twenty-three, 24, 25.
The boys will never believe this, Mr.
Hinkey.
Yeah? May I ask what you want this land for? Is this in confidence? Of course.
It's for the president's anti-poverty program.
Oh.
[.]
Uh, good morning, miss.
Good morning.
Uh, where shall we go first, sir? Oh, I am so excited.
I want to be taken everywhere.
Don't worry.
You'll be taken.
Heh.
I told you to order the large helicopter.
You mean you have more than one? Yes, my dear, I have a fleet of them.
Heh.
Now make Jeannie comfortable, take her into the helicopter.
Mr.
Vanderhaven.
Yeah, that is correct.
I am Mr.
Vanderhaven.
Heh-heh.
How much is a half-hour ride? Fifty dollars.
Give me $11 worth.
Go ahead.
[.]
JEANNIE: Oh, look down there! That is Diamond Head! Is it not lovely? [GASPS.]
Oh! There is the Punchbowl.
I have seen pictures of it.
I wish Major Nelson were along.
Honolulu is so beautiful from the air.
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE.]
Are the guards off duty, Edward? Uh.
They They must be at lunch, sir.
All right.
Open the gate.
Open the gate.
Yes, sir.
And then I'll I'll help the lady down.
You help me down.
I'll help you down.
Step right this way, Jeannie.
Be very, very careful.
That's fine.
Walk right in here.
This is my pride and joy, this piece of land.
Would you like to see it? Oh, I would love to.
Well, fine.
Let's go.
Why do all the signs say "danger" and "keep off"? Well I'm afraid I can't discuss it now.
Even with you.
Heh-heh.
[QUIETLY.]
Step right up.
[.]
Oh! This is so wild and beautiful! Yes.
It's very relaxing.
Heh-heh.
In fact, the real-estate broker that I bought it from told me that there's not another beach like this on the island.
Oh, it would be a beautiful place to build a home.
Oh, yes, indeed.
A great place for somebody who wanted to rest.
Who wanted to get away from all the The pressure of being in space all the time.
Like Major Nelson.
Yes.
Like Major Nelson.
Oh.
He would adore this.
I'm sorry, dear, it's not for sale.
Oh.
[MOUTHING WORDS.]
Look how white the sand is.
It is lovely.
Yeah, they They don't make sand like this anymore.
Isn't it beautiful? Oh, yes.
All over.
Oh! This looks like a diamond.
Shh! Not so loud.
You mean it is a diamond? You have stumbled on my secret.
This beach is full of diamonds.
I did not know they had diamonds in Hawaii.
Sh.
They do have diamonds in Hawaii.
Why you think they call this Diamond Head? Oh.
Jeannie, look.
Look at that diamond.
[SQUEALS.]
Oh.
This is why you have the The guards and the gate and the signs Shh.
I was hoping it wouldn't leak out.
I Oh.
Look at that color.
Eddie, have them clean this beach.
EDDIE: Yes, Mr.
Vanderhaven.
This beach hasn't been cleaned since yesterday.
The tide is so high, it keeps washing the diamonds ashore.
That is why you do not wish to sell this land.
Well, I Like to say that money isn't everything.
Jeannie, I I thought if it would make you and Major Nelson very happy, you could have the land, I'd give it to you.
You are going to let me have it? I'm tempted.
Oh! That would be won No good.
Why not? Tsk.
He will never allow me to do anything for him.
Oh, my dear.
This wouldn't cost you anything.
It would not? No.
I'd give it to you for free.
Sit right down.
Oh.
Thank you.
That's fine, Jeannie.
Get the motor running.
Yes, Mr.
Vanderhaven.
Now I'll show you how the whole thing will work.
You pay for the land, and you'll get your money back on the diamonds.
That's how simple it is.
You are right.
That way it would not cost anyone anything.
How much money would you like for the land? Ooh.
I never gave it a thought, because money doesn't mean anything That's a beautiful scarab you're wearing.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh.
Would you take the scarab for the land? I guess so, if I was persuaded.
Oh, thank you! Oh.
Be careful.
It's the The diamond.
There's another one there.
Oh.
No, no.
Keep it, keep it, dear.
There's more where that came from.
Oh, Jeannie, I can just picture Major Nelson relaxing in the lanai of his beautiful home that he'll build here.
Oh-ho-ho.
Major Nelson will be so thrilled.
Yeah.
We're all going to be very thrilled.
Heh.
Uh, here is the deed to the land.
Oh, thank you! The, uh [SNAPS ONCE.]
Let's get the pin.
Oh.
Oh, yes.
That's fine.
Everything legal and above-board.
Heh-heh.
Uh, what time is it? It's quarter to 12, sir.
Quarter of 12.
We gotta be running along.
Let's Come on.
[.]
[BEEPING.]
VANDERHAVEN: Charles! [WHISTLES.]
Oh, there you are.
Where have you been? Eh Sightseeing.
You're smoking my cigar.
Yes, I am.
It's the last one I'm gonna smoke.
I can't stand these crummy cigars.
What? And I'm not crazy about you either.
Yeah You gone out of your? Have you lost your senses? Is that any way to talk to a sick man? You're not sick.
You're a hypochondriac.
I've had five years of cleaning up after you, being yelled at, watching you wheel and deal and cheat people.
Well, let me tell you something, Mr.
Vanderhaven.
I've been doing a little wheeling and dealing myself, and I'm quitting! You are not quitting, you're fired! Fired? I had you in my will for $10,000.
Peanuts, pal! Peanuts.
I am raising it to $50,000! Fifty thousand? Then I'm cutting you out of my will! All right! If you ever wanna sell this tub, get in touch with me.
I may be in the market.
Heh.
Keep warm, you old crook.
[STAMMERING.]
[.]
Master.
Oh.
Oh.
What is it? Master, I have the most exciting surprise for you.
Now I thought you were out touring the island with Mr.
Vanderhaven.
You now own the most beautiful beach in "Ohooha.
" [CHUCKLES.]
No, it's "Oahu.
" And you are going to build a beautiful home there and sit under the palm trees, and eat the coconuts as they fall.
Mm, Jeannie, I told you, whenever I wanted land I'd buy it myself.
Oh, but you do not have to buy it, master.
This land did not cost anything.
How'd you get it? Hm.
Oh, I was very clever.
How'd you get it? I was much smarter than Mr.
Vanderhaven.
And he is the richest man in the whole world.
How'd you get it? Hm.
All I had to do was to give him my scarab, and he gave me that.
Two acres of sand for For a jewel worth a half a million dollars? Oh, but it is not just sand, master.
It is covered with diamonds.
It's covered with diamonds? Yes.
Your land is full of them.
Hundreds are washed ashore from the big volcano.
[CHUCKLES.]
And that is why it is called Diamond Head.
Who told you that? Mr.
Vanderhaven.
Hm.
I have really done it this time, have I not, master? [CHUCKLING.]
You sure have.
You've been taken by the greatest con artist in the world.
Con artist? Yeah, Jeannie, there aren't any diamonds in Hawaii.
Oh, but you are wrong, master.
Heh.
I picked these up off your beach myself.
Oh, Jeannie.
These are probably just industrial diamonds that he scattered on the bea You've been taken by the oldest trick in the book.
Oh, no.
Oh, yeah.
No! Oh, my scarab.
Oh, King Tut will be furious with me.
Yeah.
Well, I will call the police and tell them exactly what happened.
Yeah, listen, Jeannie, uh, why don't you do that.
Uh, you call the police, and they'll wanna know who you are and where you're from.
And you'll say you're a genie.
Yes.
And you come out of a bottle.
That is right.
And they'll put us all away.
But what shall I do, master? Nothing.
Oh, but I must do some No, absolutely noth Maybe this will be a lesson to you.
Tsk.
Yes, master.
Mm.
Well, you didn't come off too badly.
I mean, you got three diamonds out of it.
Yes.
At least I got the diamonds out of it.
Yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well.
I shall be running along.
Where you going? [CHUCKLES.]
[YAWNING.]
Oh, I I will take a nap.
I, uh, am very sleepy.
I always get sleepy when I have been cheated.
Uh-huh.
Mr.
Vanderhaven.
I'm I didn't see you come in, Jeannie.
I wanted to speak to you about our land.
Oh, no.
You'll have to talk to my lawyer.
Now, we We have an ironclad deal.
If you have any complaints I did not come here to complain.
I came here to thank you.
There isn't a court in the world To thank me? Yes! I have just come from my beach.
You did not tell me how large the diamonds were.
No.
No.
CHARLES: They're diamonds.
They're diamonds.
They're real diamonds! Yes.
The tide keeps washing them up on the shore faster than the trucks can take them away.
T Trucks? Truckloads of Of diamonds? It was very generous of you.
Jeannie, you, uh You can't have that land.
Why not? Because this There's a curse on it.
There's a curse of the ancient gods of the volcanoes.
The Maman Doodan Dun curse.
Well, I I do not believe in curses.
Aw, y-you're a brave girl, and I would never forgive myself if I let anything happen to you.
Oh, but really Now don't argue.
We can't take any chances.
Now, I suggest one thing: Just leave this here.
And here, you You take You take back the scarab, huh? Heh.
Are you sure? Sure? I'm positive.
And, uh Uh, Jeannie, give me the deed to the land, please.
[MAGIC BOINGS.]
There you are.
I'm rich.
I'm the richest man in the world.
[LAUGHS.]
Truckloads! Truckloads! Enjoy yourself.
Oh.
You bet I will.
I w Let's go.
Let's go.
I Eddie.
W-where's the scarab? The what? The scarab.
You're kidding.
What scarab? You kidding, Eddie? I gave back that half- a-million-dollar trinket.
That scarab, ha-ha-ha-ha! You what? I gave it back.
Look at this, Eddie.
Look at this! You know what this is? Do you know what this is!? Rock candy.
Sure, it's rock ca [.]
Where will you be sailing next, Mr.
Vanderhaven? Uh, Tahiti.
I intend to spend six months there.
Oh, if you happen to run into Captain Bligh, will you say hello for me? [CHUCKLES.]
Jeannie.
Hello, Charles.
Hello, miss.
Yes, uh, ahem, Charles is a terrible scoundrel, but he's an excellent worker.
You know, I'm so thankful that the Honolulu police turned him over to me.
Impersonating someone else is a prison offense, isn't it, Charles? Yes, Mr.
Vanderhaven.
But Charles likes living the life of luxury.
Uh, don't you, Charles? [QUIETLY.]
Yes, sir.
When you've cleared away the dishes, you can clean up the galley.
Yes, sir.
And then press all of my clothes.
CHARLES: Yes, sir.
After that, you can, uh You were wrong, master.
Yeah? About what? You said he was the greatest con artist in the world.
Yeah? He is the second greatest.
[.]
[.]