I Dream of Jeannie (1965) s03e07 Episode Script

[.]
Two three.
Mm.
Would you like a ham on rye? No.
I'm not programmed to eat for another 15 minutes in here yet.
Forgot the mustard again.
Mm! Hey.
Look at this.
Pardon my glove.
Oh, thanks.
What are you doing, master? What is it you think? Oh.
This is a heat test chamber, Jeannie.
We're trying to find out how much heat a human body can stand.
Y You're not supposed to eat that.
Excuse me, Gary.
How long have they been in there? Four hours and 30 minutes, Dr.
Bellows.
Oh.
That's enough.
Yes, sir.
We're bringing you out, gentlemen.
I don't want them to bring me out.
This is the first good steam bath I've had in months.
If you enjoy this, master, you can do it in your very own living room.
Goodbye.
Oh.
Very well.
I will see you at dinner.
Mwah.
Ah.
How you feeling, Major Nelson? Fine.
Good.
Fine.
And you, Major Healey? The sandwich was a little dry.
Sandwich? Oh, the tube sandwich, with the Oh, yes.
We're assigning you to a special mission, Major Nelson.
Oh, the Apollo project, sir? I, uh, heh-heh No, uh, not quite.
NASA has approved of making the documentary film and, uh they're going to, uh, bring in a movie expert from Hollywood.
Oh? Oh, really? W-what does that have to do with me, sir? Well, you're going to act in the film.
Oh, really? Oh, ha-ha, here we are.
This is your director, Mr.
Allen Kerr.
This is, uh, Major Healey and, uh, Major Nelson.
How do you do, sir? A star is born.
[LAUGHS.]
[.]
But I-I think you have the wrong man.
Uh, I've never done any acting, Mr.
Kerr.
Allen.
Allen.
Won't be necessary for you to do any acting, major.
I want the real you.
The whole idea is to photograph an average day in the life of an average astronaut.
Your Your home life, everything.
My My home life? That's what I said.
I really don't think it would work.
Why not, major? Well, I'm not an average astronaut.
I Actually, I don't have any family.
I Uh, Major Nelson, um, General Brindley has asked us for full cooperation.
Now, uh, since Mr.
Kerr has been kind enough to come out here from Hollywood and lend his assistance, it's, uh, up to us to make everything as easy as possible for him.
There's nothing to worry about, major.
As long as you have me behind the camera.
I-I do think that perhaps we ought to give it just a little more thought.
Did you send for me, sir? Oh, uh, yes, major.
I thought you'd be sending for me.
Well, here are the results of the heat-chamber tests.
Take them to the lab for me, will you? Yes, sir.
Was there anything else, major? Well, I heard you were filming a documentary, and I've had acting experience.
And I thought you might be needing me.
Oh, were you an actor, Major Healey? Well, I played King Lear.
King Lear? O-on Broadway? Horace Mann High School.
"Horace Mann High School.
" We're making a documentary, major.
Uh, we don't need actors.
Well, if Roger'd like to do this instead of me, uh, I have no objection.
Why don't you both do it? You work as a team anyway.
And I could help Tony out.
Well, that's settled.
I'm not too familiar with, uh, movie techniques.
Uh, could you answer a question? Shoot.
What's Ann-Margret really like? I'd like to, uh, spend as much time as I can with you, major.
I really like to get to know my actors.
Oh.
Yes, I can understand that.
Splendid.
But how about dinner tonight at your house? Uh-uh, dinner tonight? Uh, you know, tonight really is not the best Why not? We're having Turkish leftovers.
I've never had Turkish leftovers.
That sounds intriguing.
Oh.
Major, I think it'd be a very good idea for Mr.
Kerr to see you in your home environment.
We're gonna shoot you there too.
I believe it.
What? I We're redecorating.
The whole place is a mess.
You didn't decorate your house.
You kidding? Perfect.
It'd make it seem more homey.
See you at 7.
Homey.
At 7.
Yes, uh, right.
Would you all excuse me? I have a A A pressing engagement.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[RINGS.]
Yes, master.
Uh, hello, Jeannie? Look, I want you to mess up the house.
Mess up the house? I just finished vacuuming.
Look, this is important.
I have a very important guest coming.
And, uh Uh, well, the house has got to be messed up for him.
Uh I want you to make it look terrible.
Oh.
Well if that is what you wish.
Don't overdo it.
Make it look like I've been redecorating.
Yes, master.
And try to look inconspicuous.
"Inconspicuous"? Yeah.
Do the best you can.
Uh, here we are.
Oh.
Wow.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
You, uh Y-you live here? Well, it's just an experiment, you see.
It Wow.
What happened to your place? I like it.
You do? It breathes.
Reminds me of a wild bird soaring into space.
I can't wait to photograph you in this room.
Good evening.
Oh, good evening.
I'm uh I'm Allen Kerr.
I am Jeannie.
I am Major Nelson's Decorator.
She's my interior decorator.
Oh, you've done a marvelous job, darling.
Oh, thank you.
Uh, Mr.
Kerr is here to direct a documentary.
Oh, how exciting.
Oh, will you sit down, please? Thank you.
Being a director must be very interesting.
It has its rewards.
There's nothing like the satisfaction of getting a good performance from a clod.
A "clod"? Most actors are clods.
Well, how do you get a good performance out of them? I whip them into it.
You whip them into it? In the old days, when I made B pictures, I was known as "The Beast of the Bs.
" [ALL LAUGHING.]
I can't stand incompetence.
Well, I don't blame you.
When I have an actor in front of my camera, I expect him to know his job.
Heaven help him if he doesn't.
[LAUGHTER.]
I'll have my camera crew here first thing in the morning.
I think we'll, um start in this corner.
He sounds pretty tough.
Don't worry, I'll pull you through.
It's gonna work.
Oh? See you at the crack of dawn.
All right.
We're gonna pick up.
Major Healey coming in the door in a In a wide shot Yeah.
And then go to a tight two.
And then the next, uh W-where's my script girl? What does he mean by a "tight two"? Why are the little people always frustrating me? May I help you? Do you have a stopwatch? A stopwatch? Heh.
Yes.
[CHUCKLES.]
Uh Uh, shall we, um? Shall we go over the scene once more? I don't think that'll be necessary.
I know my lines.
An old pro never forgets.
Ha-ha-ha-ha.
Let's do it anyway.
You've come over to have breakfast with Tony, and you're discussing the new project.
Now, have you got that? Got it.
Now go out the door and get ready for your entrance.
Right.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Tony, there's the door.
I'm sorry.
Do not worry.
Go, go, go.
Tony, please! Sorry, sorry.
[TONY CLEARS THROAT.]
Hi, Roge.
Good morning, Tony.
How you feeling this morning? Oh, fine, fine.
It's a pretty exciting day.
I can't wait to test the new scale model of the lunar landscape.
Neither can I.
Like some coffee before you go to work? I'd love a cup of coffee before we go to work.
How do you take it? Cream and sugar.
I wonder what it's gonna be like to be the first man to land on the moon.
I guess we won't know until we get there.
ALLEN: Very good.
Uh, you really like it? Wait till I say "cut.
" "Cut"? What was the timing on that? Oh.
The timing? Uh Nine and three-quarter seconds.
What's that, a psychedelic egg timer? [LAUGHS.]
[LAUGHS.]
Okay, let's shoot it.
Be calm.
All right, here we go.
Like in rehearsal.
Like in rehearsal.
Your entrance from the front door.
From the front door.
Hm.
Major? Yes, yes, yes.
Whenever you're ready.
I'm ready.
Oh, one more.
Ready, ready.
[CHUCKLES.]
All right, here we go.
[BANGING.]
And let's have it quiet.
I don't even want breathing.
Ready? Roll 'em! Action! [WHISPERS.]
The bell.
[WHISPERS.]
The bell.
The Ring the doorbell, Major Healey.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Thank you.
[WHISPERS.]
Major Nelson.
[WHISPERS.]
Major Nelson.
That's you, Tony baby.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
Oh, hi, Roge.
Morning, Tony.
How you feeling this morning? Fine.
Pretty exciting day.
I can't wait to test the new scale model of the lunar landscape.
Neither can I.
Uh, would you like a cup of coffee before we go to work? I'd love a cup of coffee before we go to work.
How do you take it? I guess we won't know until we get there.
I wonder what it's gonna be like to be the first man to land on the moon.
Cream and sugar.
What? Uh Uh, what? Cut! Cut? What are you doing? What do you mean, what am I doing? That "cream and sugar" stuff on the moon.
Ah.
I know what you mean.
You're too tense.
Relax.
It's too much.
Too much for him.
L-let's try it again.
It's a long scene.
W-what? Just ALLEN: Open the door.
Morning, Tony.
How you feeling this morning? ALLEN: Cut! What What What time is it? Oh.
I-it is Lunch! Lunch? That was pretty good, Roge.
[.]
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Come in.
Ah, Mr.
Kerr.
Oh, uh, anything the matter? Yes.
Roger Healey.
You know, King Lear.
Well, if you're having any trouble getting cooperation The problem is, I'm getting a little too much cooperation.
He's the lousiest actor I've ever seen.
Well, I'm sure that everything will turn out.
What about Major Nelson? Dr.
Bellows, can I level with you? Well, of course.
I'd like to make Tony Nelson a star.
Take him to Hollywood.
I got a part in my next picture that he'd be perfect for.
Oh.
I'm sure Major Nelson would never be interested in going to Hollywood.
I was hoping he might have a vacation coming up.
I've worked with the biggest stars in this business, and he's a natural if I ever saw one.
He'll be the biggest star in Hollywood.
You really think so? I know so.
He has a quality that nobody teaches you.
It's a gift.
Well, I always thought he was colorful, but Shines right out at you.
Blinds you.
Doctor, you put him on the screen, and he'll have every woman in the country swooning.
One picture and he'll be bigger than Rock Hudson.
Me bigger than Rock Hudson? Oh, my Yes? Yeah, Major Healey.
Right.
Oh, all right.
Thank you very much.
Uh, Roger reported to the main gate an hour ago, nobody's seen him since.
Shall I go look for Major Healey? No.
I have a better idea.
We'll shoot this scene without him.
Oh, but I'm sure I can find him.
Let's not press our luck.
We'll make it now.
We'll pick it up right over here.
Hi, hi, hi, hi.
How's it going? Good morning, good morning, good morning.
Uh, good morning, good morning.
Good morning.
Hi, Roge.
What's the outfit for? Oh, this old thing? Ha.
Well, I thought I'd give the scene a little color.
I came to Cape Kennedy to make a documentary in three days.
You're turning this into War and Peace.
[PATS.]
Don't you think I've suffered too? I know things have been going slowly, but old Roge will help.
I don't need any help! Sorry, gang.
Let's do it! ALLEN: Quiet, please.
Believe it or not, gang, I think we're finally ready.
Now, in this shot Major Healey will be out of frame, and reenter and rendezvous with Major Nelson.
One note: Please don't act, Major Healey.
Be honest.
Natural.
Honest.
Just be yourself.
Tony.
Do it just the way you've been doing it.
It's perfect.
Okay.
This will be picture.
Take him out.
Roll 'em.
MAN: Speed.
Action! Over here, Roge.
Roge! Rendezvous.
Roge.
R-rendezvous.
Cut! Cut! Cut! Let him down.
Let him down.
Let him down.
Major Healey.
We're not doing Peter Pan.
Call Hollywood.
I'll get this shot if it kills me.
And you too.
[SIGHS.]
Three thousand miles for this.
Uncle Sam, I've done more than my share.
Hey.
What's gotten into you, anyway? What's gotten into me? I'm gonna be a big star.
That's what's gotten into me.
Yeah? Who says so? Haven't you heard? I'm going to be bigger than Rock.
Rock who? Rock Hudson.
Well, who said that? I heard our director telling Dr.
Bellows.
And he should know.
Well, back to the old grind.
I think I'll get a little makeup on.
It's a little dark around here.
Roger's no actor.
[LAUGHS.]
You can say that again, baby.
I was talking about you.
You Me? Poor Major Healey.
Look, I'm sorry if there's been some misunderstanding, but Major Healey is King Clod.
Well, I don't think we really have a problem.
He's a dedicated astronaut.
I I don't think he's interested in Hollywood.
Oh, that's a break.
For Hollywood, I mean.
Yes.
Major Healey reminds me of an actor I once knew who was in a play by Aristotle.
His name was Xerxes.
Homer Xerxes.
Yeah.
He rode a chariot up a hill, over three A A-a chariot? Oh, she's an old theater buff.
Yeah.
Sweetheart, you and I are gonna have to have a little chat.
Oh, I would enjoy that.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Well, I'm gonna force myself to go over and look at the rushes.
Would you, uh, care to see 'em? Uh, I'd like to, but I think I'd better straighten Roger out.
I'd rather watch the rushes.
Okay.
Okay.
Major Healey is going to be very unhappy.
Oh, don't be silly.
You don't really think he's interested in acting, do you? Yes, master.
BELLOWS: Oh, just place those on my desk, sergeant.
I will see you on the set.
Yeah, all right.
All right [CLEARS THROAT.]
Um Uh, Major Nelson.
Yes, sir.
Uh Major Healey seems to think he's a cross between Tony Curtis and, uh, Alec Guinness.
The Oh, well, Roger is, uh Well, I know what he is, major.
I've had a talk with Mr.
Kerr.
Now, are you gonna tell him he's the worst actor in the world or shall I? I'll tell him.
I'll tell him, sir.
Well, you better hurry.
He's going all over the base inviting people to his premiere.
I'll get right on it, sir.
Mm.
I don't want any place too elaborate.
Uh, someplace in Beverly Hills or Bel-Air? Yeah, with a lot of grounds.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'd like a swimming pool and a tennis court.
Mm-hm.
And, uh, don't worry about the price, huh? You can take it out of my first week's salary.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
And look, Harry you're invited to all my premieres, huh? And get on it and get back to me, right? Okay, Hare.
Right.
Hi, Roge.
That was my Hollywood real-estate broker.
You don't smoke, do you? I know.
It's not lit.
Oh.
Your Your eyes all right? What? Oh, these.
Oh, well, I've gotta get used to 'em.
You know how your fans are when they recognize you.
They just mob you.
[LAUGHS.]
Roge, I think we ought to have a little talk.
Oh, I know what you're going to say.
I know, I know.
And I'm going to miss you too.
We've We've been through a lot together.
You're gonna be able to leave all this? "Leave all this?" I don't wanna leave it all, but, you know, when you're talented well, I can't be selfish.
I can't disappoint my fans.
Roge, you're an astronaut.
I know.
Astronaut, movie star.
I just happen to be gifted.
You know something? When I build my pool, I think I'm gonna have it shaped in the form of a capsule.
Something small with about 75 girls, you know.
You're invited to all my premieres.
Roge [PHONE RINGS.]
Hey Excuse me.
Yeah.
Yeah? Wait a minute.
Wh What was it? Nothing.
You I'll talk to you later.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Seventy-five rooms? Harry, I don't need seven bedrooms.
All right Yeah.
Call you back.
Well, I see that Major Nelson talked to you.
Oh, yeah.
He's a great guy.
Great.
Hm.
Frankly, I thought you'd be a little more upset.
Me upset, sir? Well, I suppose it is something to be the worst actor in the world.
"The w-worst actor in the world?" I didn't wanna tell you this, major, but, uh Mr.
Kerr said that he'd never seen anyone quite like you.
That you You reminded him of his old hog-calling days.
Oh.
Are you sure he meant me? I'm sorry, major, but, uh, I'm afraid so.
W-what happened to the masculine quality and looking And looking like Rock Hudson? Yes.
He was quite impressed with, uh, Major Nelson.
But, of course, Major Nelson wouldn't be interested.
Yeah.
Well, I mean I mean, who wants all that glamour? Hollywood glamour.
I mean, you know, it's just, ha Yes.
Uh, why don't you get on with the report, major? Oh, yeah.
And, uh, I am sorry.
Oh, it's all right.
Nothing at all.
I couldn't tell him.
I just couldn't tell him, Jeannie.
It would have broken his heart.
Well, what are you going to do? Well, I don't know.
How do you tell a man he doesn't have any Have any talent? It'd shatter him.
Just I know.
I will get Homer Xerxes to coach him.
Uh, yeah, that'll do it.
I'm sure that would cheer him up.
Yeah.
That's That's That's [DOORBELL RINGS.]
Hi.
Hi.
We were just talking about you.
Oh, really? Yeah.
You know all this talk about me being a movie star.
Would you like to meet Homer Xerxes? [SIGHS.]
Well, as I was saying, all this talk about me being a movie star Yeah, well, we We were just discussing that, Roge.
Uh Oh.
Oh, you didn't think I was serious, did you? You mean, you weren't? About being a movie star? Yeah.
Oh, did I have you fooled.
Ha.
Oh, that is wonderful news.
I was just playing a game.
There's more important things in life than having girls chasing you around asking for your autograph.
Roger, I I can't tell you how relieved I am.
Well, we'll finish the picture Monday, and then we can get back to work again.
I wonder where I can get another job as a script supervisor.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
I'll get that.
Well, I'm I'm sorry I-I kidded around, but I Oh.
Uh, hello.
Hello, Tony.
Oh exactly wanted to be an actor Hello, Mr.
Kerr.
Jeannie.
I wanna talk to you.
Uh Oh, well, we've already discussed it.
Everything's all right.
ROGER: I think All right? Everything's fantastic.
Fantastic? Did I do something? I just looked at the rushes.
Do you know you're the funniest man I've ever seen? Me? A natural comic.
The The way you move, it's unbelievable.
I didn't spot it till I saw it on the film.
You could be the biggest thing in Hollywood.
Me? Oh, well, he's not interested.
Uh, he's dying to go back Wait, wait.
"Not interested?" Me, the biggest thing in Hollywood? I can get you a contract at Columbia Pictures.
They're casting a picture right now that you would be perfect for.
Roger's not interested.
Uh, he's, uh We've discussed it.
We're going to the moon.
Are you kidding? And let my fans down? [CLAPS HANDS.]
No, sirree.
Only this time, I wanna pick my own leading lady.
Ha.
I'll start off with Lollobrigida.
That's it.
I want my own Pick my own director.
And I want a limousine, I want a chauffeur.
And I want you to get me one of those ascots right around the neck.
[TALKING INDISTINCTLY.]
Are you all right, master? Mm? Yeah, fine.
Are you unhappy? About what? Because of Major Healey.
Oh.
No, no.
No, the space program has just assigned somebody else to go up on that mission with me, that's all.
Well, I will miss him.
Well, we can always go see him in his movies.
[CHUCKLES.]
Major Healey.
Oh.
Hi, Jeannie.
Hi, Tony.
We thought you were leaving for Hollywood.
Oh, me leaving for Hollywood? Oh, come on.
They wanted me to sign a seven-year contract.
And we're going up in the moon shot in six weeks.
Huh? I wouldn't leave.
Are you kidding? Come on, now.
You didn't believe all that.
Now, come on, now.
Really? You know I'm not leaving.
You're back with us! Oh! I wasn't going anyway, now.
I wouldn't How could I leave you? I mean, I would Hi, gang.
Oh, hi, Mr.
Kerr.
Just dropped by to say goodbye.
Sorry we lost you, Major Healey, but, uh, our loss is the space program's gain, right? [LAUGHS.]
Oh.
Oh, I'm sorry.
This is Miss Gigi Dubois.
Oh, uh Anthony Nelson.
How are you? This is Jeannie.
Hello.
She was going to be your leading lady.
My leading lady? Well, I'll tell you what.
If we could back up the moon shot about seven years, maybe I could do the contract, and maybe we could work together.
And maybe we could make pictures together.
And then we could just roll over [TALKING INDISTINCTLY.]
Now, uh, R-Roge.
Now, wait a minute [BOTH TALKING.]
[.]