I Dream of Jeannie (1965) s03e20 Episode Script
Please Don't Feed the Astronauts
[.]
Surprise, master.
Surprise, Major Healey.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hey.
I am preparing luncheon.
Is it not scrumptious? Mmm.
I could eat a horse.
Really? Yeah.
Well, if that is what you wish.
No, no, Jeannie.
No horses and no lunch.
Roger and I volunteered for a nutritional experiment at the base hospital.
Yeah, duty.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
I'll get it.
Oh, but, master, you know how cranky you get when you do not eat.
Yeah, no, this is duty, Jeannie.
Really.
Yes, but this is red meat, whole protein.
ROGER: Dr.
Bellows! It's Dr.
Bellows, he's here.
Uh, would you pop out now, Jeannie? Please? Oh, master, the steaks will burn.
Dr.
Bellows is gonna drive us to the base hospital, please.
Thank you.
Okay.
What are you doing up there? Dr.
Bellows! Oh, it's him.
Dr.
Bellows.
Dr.
Bellows.
Well, are you ready and eager to get underway, gentlemen? TONY: Oh, yes, quite ready.
Right.
You seem rather tense.
Oh, me? No, no, no, I'm moose as a loose Noose as a goose You know what I mean.
[LAUGHING.]
Of course, I understand.
At first, I couldn't imagine why you were eager to volunteer your services.
And then I remembered the new Swedish nurses at the hospital.
Naive of me, wasn't it? Swedish nurses? Well, how about that? Did you know there were Swedish nurses over at the hospital? You kidding? You mean Sonia and Ingrid, the beautiful girls? [LAUGHS.]
Let's go, sir.
Whatever Oh, yeah, well, I mean, you know, you just have to They're a little ugly there.
They've got big noses and hair like spaghetti.
Well, we'll just have to bear it, huh? Ha-ha-ha! Duty, duty.
[.]
Oh, thanks.
Thank you very much, thank you.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, thanks for setting that up for us.
Thank you, bye.
Ho-ho-ho! Goodbye, see you later.
Goodbye.
Well, my three looked great.
I can't believe that we're here.
Did you see those blonds Greta and Ingrid and Sonia? Yeah, Greta's the one with the big Master! Nose and skinny legs and knobbly knees.
Yeah.
Oh, hey, look who's here.
Now, I know what you're thinking and you're absolutely wrong.
We volunteered for this job, Jeannie.
Ooh! Now, now, now Hey, wait.
Oh.
There you are.
What did you? Get it off.
Come on, pull it down.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Here we are, commander.
[GRUNTING.]
[LAUGHS.]
[.]
[.]
Uh, Commander Porter intends to use you to prove that the astronaut nutrition program is inadequate.
That's right.
I'm really gonna put the pressure on you.
Brutal hard pressure.
And if you think your astronaut diet of rich food and ladyfingers is gonna keep you going, you're wrong.
Boys, in just 24 hours, I'm gonna reduce you to broken, sniveling wrecks.
[CHUCKLES.]
For For the good of our country, of course.
And, uh what have you to, uh, say to that? Sounds great.
Can't wait.
Good.
I like doomed men to show spirit.
Ha-ha-ha! Okay, let's warm up with, uh, Uh, t-the water tower, sir? That's on the roof, Dr.
Bellows.
That's 12 floors.
You do mean for them to take the elevator, don't you? [CHUCKLES.]
Up the fire escape.
Go.
[BLOWS WHISTLE.]
[.]
Faster.
Four hundred and ninety-nine.
Five hundred.
Fifty more.
[WHISTLE BLOWS.]
Till you drop.
[GRUNTS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
[.]
Commander Porter's vitamin pill.
[BOTH GRUNTING.]
I see those nurses have worn you out.
Jeannie, we're in the hands of a madman.
Ha! No, honestly, the nurses didn't have anything to do with it.
I I Tell her, Roge.
Tell her, tell Jeannie.
Jeannie, he's trying to kill us.
No, not that.
Jeannie Oh! Oh, Jeannie.
Oh, are we glad to see you.
Jeannie, look at me.
Look Look at me.
Look at my hollow eyes.
My sunken cheeks.
We've been starved, steamed and strained.
Why did you not tell me this Commander Porter was mistreating you? Why didn't we tell her? Because Oh, well, I guess it was just his foolish pride.
You are sure you have not been having fun with these nurses? My word of honor.
And you are very hungry? Yeah, hungry.
Starved.
Oh, so hungry.
Oh, yeah.
Oh.
Food! Oh, remind me to have your bottle air-conditioned.
Yes, Roge.
Mmm.
Oooh.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
WOMAN: Major Nelson.
Major Healey.
Your favorite nurse is here again.
You naughty boys.
Naughty boys? Oh, no, no, it's not what you think.
Ohhh.
No, it really isn't.
Jeannie, now, now, don't Don't take your food.
Here, get Oh! Ow! Ow! Jeannie, come back.
[.]
Time to take more blood, dear boys.
Ha-ha-ha! Amazing.
You know something, Healey? You and Nelson have lost enough fat to make a full-grown jockey.
[LAUGHS.]
I can't tell you how this pleases me.
How much longer is this gonna take, sir? Oh, we're just getting started.
Yes, sir, we're just getting started.
I want Dr.
Bellows to see you.
Oh, uh, come along, Miss, uh, Lugosi.
You can take more blood later.
That should put a smile on your face.
[.]
Oh, my poor master.
I saw everything and I am so ashamed.
I am not fit to be your genie.
I am a complete flip.
Flop.
Flop.
Jeannie, is that you? Oh.
Poor sweet master.
You have grown so skinny, even your head feels thin.
Oh, but do not worry.
I shall arrange a feast of the ages.
Poached ears of the camel.
Pomegranates and honey.
Hummingbird's feet.
Ohhh.
Hold the bird feet, Jeannie, it's too late.
I think we've had it.
Oh, we're too bushed to move.
Well, then I will unbush you.
[.]
[LAUGHING.]
I'm up.
I'm moving.
I feel great.
I feel like a tiger.
[GRUNTING.]
Ha-ha-ha! Now no one will be ashamed of you.
Jeannie, Jeannie, it's too fast.
Slow us down.
Oh.
Oh, take it easy, Jeannie.
We're going too fast.
Too fast.
Slow us down.
Wait a minute.
We're too fast.
Oh, dear.
I think my unbushing spell needs work.
What shape are they in, commander? I'd say they we're shapeless.
Ha-ha-ha-ha! It's pitiful.
No stamina, colonel.
No stamina.
Well, look for yourself.
[CHUCKLES.]
[GASPS.]
Incredible.
Sickening the way those chowhounds fell apart, isn't it? Fell apart? You better take another look, commander.
I don't know how they're doing it but they're hopping around like jumping beans on a skillet.
What? Let me see.
I say this proves that your analysis of the astronaut's diet was incorrect.
No, I I was right.
Their diet was trash.
What's keeping those boys going is my special vitamin pills.
Your vitamin pills? Secret formula.
I broke 'em down, but my pills built 'em right up again.
They can take it.
Now, I can hit 'em with the real test.
Five days and nights on Skull Island without supplies.
Living off the land like wild animals.
Wild animals? Well, do you think they can take it, commander? Look at 'em.
I'll give 'em the works.
The works.
[.]
[.]
Skull Island.
Well, gentlemen, do you think you're ready to withstand five days of animal survival here? Does fainting answer your question? Never mind, they're ready.
You have plenty of my special vitamins and these little beauties.
The Commander Porter Handbook for Survival.
Use these properly and you won't starve, understand? And if we get hungry, we can eat the book.
Ha-ha! Ha-ha! That's the spirit.
Commander, starvation is not the real danger.
No? The real danger is the mental disorientation that accompanies acute hunger.
It may impair their judgment and cause frightening hallucinations.
Don't worry, doc.
Nobody's gonna start seeing things.
My vitamins and my handbooks will pull us through.
All right, men.
Let's go to work.
Scrounge! [WHISTLE BLOWS.]
Scrounge.
[.]
[BOTH PANTING.]
Ohhh.
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
Phew! Oh, boy, I don't know about you, but I'm starved.
Oh, do not worry, Jeannie is here.
What are you? What are you doing here? Oh, thanks, Jeannie, but no thanks.
We can't.
You do not like turkey and cranberries and And sweet potatoes and white potatoes and pickles.
No, you see, Commander Porter is taking the same test with us.
He's eating everything we do.
It's him against us.
Right, we're gonna beat him at his own game.
Yeah.
I think you are both being very foolish.
If you do not eat, you are going to get sick.
PORTER: Nelson, Healey, yo! Get out, go on, out.
Take this with you, go on.
Well, well.
Hey, sir.
[CHUCKLING.]
Came up empty-handed, didn't you, from the hunt? Well, lucky for you, Commander Porter's a master at the art of food-finding.
Yeah.
Today, we feast.
Yes, sir.
Swamp roots, lily buds, nice juicy snails.
Here, boys, try one of the crickets.
They're delicious.
[SNIFFING.]
Hey, uh y-you guys smell roast turkey? Yeah, we smell turkey No, we can't be smelling roast turkey.
If we were smelling roast turkey, we'd be having a hallucination.
And we can't be having a hallucination, not with The Commander Porter Handbook for Survival.
Ha-ha! Yeah, yeah.
You're right, I-I didn't smell roast turkey.
Come on, Healey, chomp on a snail.
[SNIFFS.]
No, I I don't smell roast turkey or cranberry sauce and pumpkin pie.
Uh, check? Check.
I don't even smell oyster dressing.
[CHUCKLING.]
No.
Hey, this looks good.
Funny, uh Well, chow down.
"First man lures fish in close by making sounds in water's surface.
" Okay, Nelson.
Huh? Make sounds in water's surface.
"Second man readies spear and strikes when the fish approaches.
" Ready, Healey? Oh! I think I see something, sir.
Here goes.
Get anything? Yes, sir.
My foot.
[.]
[BOTH GRUNTING.]
You must let me help you, master.
You are getting weaker by the minute.
No, no, I'm gonna do it.
Ohhh, I will not allow my master to go hungry.
I know, I will fix you a A A Cornish hen.
No, a squab with No, that is not big enough for two hungry men.
I know.
A nice big chicken.
[ROARING.]
Oh, dear.
[CLUCKING LOUDLY.]
Oh! No, no, no, no.
Hello, Dr.
Bellows.
Eh, Commander Porter here.
Are you alone? Yes, I am, commander.
What seems to be the difficulty? A turkey dinner that wasn't there? There's nothing wrong with you, commander.
Uh, don't ask me how I know, but believe me, you're as sane as I am.
Just take two aspirins and stay away from Major Nelson and Major Healey.
Thanks, doc.
I-I knew my Porter system wouldn't fail me.
I feel a lot better.
W-what? Uh, sorry, I couldn't hear you on account of the giant chicken.
A giant chicken.
Giant chicken? [MOUTHED SPEECH.]
I don't see a giant chicken.
Jeannie, now you get rid of that thing.
You just get rid of it.
Yes, master.
All right.
All right.
All right, uh, please just don't try to help us anymore.
Roger, let's go and try to find some real food, huh? Oh, please, master, let me get you some food.
No, Jeannie, we're not allowed to accept food unless it's from the natives, like it says in the handbook.
Yeah, come on.
Yeah.
[.]
"Food and shelter may sometimes be found at a friendly native village.
" PORTER: No Th-there was no chicken.
Dr.
Bellows knows what he's talking about.
I didn't see nothing.
All right.
Friendly native village.
Looks like one But it isn't here.
M-m-m-my vitamins.
I'll take some more of my vitamins.
When I open my eyes, it'll It'll all be gone.
All gone.
You may accept this food, please.
We are friendly native village.
Just like in your book.
You aren't here.
It's like I could just reach out and touch you but But you're not here.
It's a What do you call it? A A mirage.
That's what it is, a mirage.
And I'll I'll I'll prove it, it's a mirage.
[SCREAMING.]
Infidel dog.
You have desecrated the tents of the women.
For this, you must die.
D-die? [CHUCKLES.]
Wh-what am I worried about? There's nobody here.
I'm all alone with a big hairy mirage.
You don't exist.
Seize him.
Th-this isn't happening.
Uh, put me down, fellows, will you? Put me down.
Oh.
Master? Master? PORTER: Put me down.
"Approach nest from north side of tree.
Carefully remove eggs.
" Ungh! Uh, steady, little to the right, okay? TONY: Okay.
Look, pull.
JEANNIE: Master! Master! Be careful will you.
Huh? Master! Oh, master! What is it? Danger What's that? [CREAKING.]
Huh? Oh, sorry, Roge.
Oh, Major Healey.
Oh, master, please hurry, you must go.
What is it? Oh, there's no time to explain.
[MAN GRUNTING.]
You aren't here.
That big knife isn't gonna hurt anybody.
And that bevy of handclapping beauties ain't here, neither.
[CHUCKLING.]
What a great mirage.
[GRUNTS.]
If this was real, I'd, uh, sure be worried.
What is it? Oh, Cousin Hamid, no! Do not kill him.
The infidel must die.
Who are they? Oh, friends, this is Cousin Hamid.
This is my beloved master Major Nelson and Major Healey.
Welcome to my humble village.
My tent is your tent.
And now, if you will excuse me, I must cut your friend to ribbons.
Uh, wait.
Wait.
Hi, Nelson.
You in my mirage too? [CHUCKLES.]
Hi.
Can't you help? Can't you help him? That is Cousin Hamid.
[GROWLS.]
Ha! What's the matter, big stuff? Can't you aim good? [LAUGHS.]
[GROWLS.]
Oh, now my mirage is mad.
Why don't you try it again? Now you pay.
For a mirage, you have terrible breath.
No, no Did you do it? Did you? I cannot kill a man who shows no fear.
His courage has won him life and the right to wear the robes of Hadjibaba.
Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
But thank you, cousin, for a very entertaining diversion.
I will see you in 2000 years at the family picnic? [CHUCKLES.]
Dress will be casual.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Don't bother.
I know the way out.
Bye-bye.
[JEANNIE LAUGHING.]
TONY: Well JEANNIE: You see? I knew it would work out all right.
Oh.
Let's get Porter off that stake.
[WHISTLES.]
Oh, master, the robes of Hadjibaba.
Yeah, never mind that, come on.
ROGER: Whoa! Oh.
Are you all right? You all right? Hi, Nelson.
Hi, Healey.
You're here too.
Gee, what a crowded mirage.
Where'd you get her? Never mind.
I'll snap out of this and you'll all be gone.
Uh, sir, I think we'd better explain Step back.
I'd like to try out this big knife.
That guy in the mirage really tried to give it to me.
Hey, you know something? This knife is real.
Whoa! Are you all right, sir? Are you all right, sir? Commander Porter? Are you all right, sir? BELLOWS: Major Healey, commander, can you hear me? Oh, it must be Dr.
Bellows.
Oh, it must be a search party.
How are we gonna? How are we gonna explain Sheikh Ali Ben Porter? Um, Jeannie? Oh, well, you will think of something.
I wish I could.
Yeah Oh.
Oh, are you all right? Sir? Sir? Jeannie, will you come back? Jeannie.
Mirage.
It was real.
Nelson.
Yes, sir.
Healey, it was real! Yes, yes.
The knife.
It It's gone, but it was here.
It was right here.
Sir, you're weak from lack of food.
Don't baby me.
There was a giant with a beard and And tents and a blond.
Sir, you're an inspiration to all your men, giving us your food like that.
A-and the giant chicken, I saw it too.
A-and this knife Where's the knife? He tried to cut me to ribbons.
No, no, no.
I gave you my food? Yes.
No, I had on this weird housecoat, a-and my shoes curled up at the toes.
Dr.
Bellows is Is searching for us, sir.
Uh, uh, let me explain what happened.
After the landslide [.]
[.]
And so, gentlemen, although the space agency was disappointed in the failure of Commander Porter's program, they were most impressed with your showing.
TONY: We only did our duty, sir.
We learned from Commander Porter's example.
Mmm, it was his principles of self-sacrifice.
I'm glad to hear you say that because the Department of Defense would like you to share the survival techniques.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
[ALL CHATTERING.]
BELLOWS: Ah, come in, sir.
Hi, fella.
It's me.
Now, you're going to show me how you did it.
We're going back out to Skull Island and we're gonna stay there until I know everything you know.
So stop sitting there like lard-bellied yo-yos and move.
Move! [BLOWS WHISTLE.]
Roge.
[.]
[.]
Surprise, master.
Surprise, Major Healey.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hey.
I am preparing luncheon.
Is it not scrumptious? Mmm.
I could eat a horse.
Really? Yeah.
Well, if that is what you wish.
No, no, Jeannie.
No horses and no lunch.
Roger and I volunteered for a nutritional experiment at the base hospital.
Yeah, duty.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
I'll get it.
Oh, but, master, you know how cranky you get when you do not eat.
Yeah, no, this is duty, Jeannie.
Really.
Yes, but this is red meat, whole protein.
ROGER: Dr.
Bellows! It's Dr.
Bellows, he's here.
Uh, would you pop out now, Jeannie? Please? Oh, master, the steaks will burn.
Dr.
Bellows is gonna drive us to the base hospital, please.
Thank you.
Okay.
What are you doing up there? Dr.
Bellows! Oh, it's him.
Dr.
Bellows.
Dr.
Bellows.
Well, are you ready and eager to get underway, gentlemen? TONY: Oh, yes, quite ready.
Right.
You seem rather tense.
Oh, me? No, no, no, I'm moose as a loose Noose as a goose You know what I mean.
[LAUGHING.]
Of course, I understand.
At first, I couldn't imagine why you were eager to volunteer your services.
And then I remembered the new Swedish nurses at the hospital.
Naive of me, wasn't it? Swedish nurses? Well, how about that? Did you know there were Swedish nurses over at the hospital? You kidding? You mean Sonia and Ingrid, the beautiful girls? [LAUGHS.]
Let's go, sir.
Whatever Oh, yeah, well, I mean, you know, you just have to They're a little ugly there.
They've got big noses and hair like spaghetti.
Well, we'll just have to bear it, huh? Ha-ha-ha! Duty, duty.
[.]
Oh, thanks.
Thank you very much, thank you.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, thanks for setting that up for us.
Thank you, bye.
Ho-ho-ho! Goodbye, see you later.
Goodbye.
Well, my three looked great.
I can't believe that we're here.
Did you see those blonds Greta and Ingrid and Sonia? Yeah, Greta's the one with the big Master! Nose and skinny legs and knobbly knees.
Yeah.
Oh, hey, look who's here.
Now, I know what you're thinking and you're absolutely wrong.
We volunteered for this job, Jeannie.
Ooh! Now, now, now Hey, wait.
Oh.
There you are.
What did you? Get it off.
Come on, pull it down.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Here we are, commander.
[GRUNTING.]
[LAUGHS.]
[.]
[.]
Uh, Commander Porter intends to use you to prove that the astronaut nutrition program is inadequate.
That's right.
I'm really gonna put the pressure on you.
Brutal hard pressure.
And if you think your astronaut diet of rich food and ladyfingers is gonna keep you going, you're wrong.
Boys, in just 24 hours, I'm gonna reduce you to broken, sniveling wrecks.
[CHUCKLES.]
For For the good of our country, of course.
And, uh what have you to, uh, say to that? Sounds great.
Can't wait.
Good.
I like doomed men to show spirit.
Ha-ha-ha! Okay, let's warm up with, uh, Uh, t-the water tower, sir? That's on the roof, Dr.
Bellows.
That's 12 floors.
You do mean for them to take the elevator, don't you? [CHUCKLES.]
Up the fire escape.
Go.
[BLOWS WHISTLE.]
[.]
Faster.
Four hundred and ninety-nine.
Five hundred.
Fifty more.
[WHISTLE BLOWS.]
Till you drop.
[GRUNTS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
[.]
Commander Porter's vitamin pill.
[BOTH GRUNTING.]
I see those nurses have worn you out.
Jeannie, we're in the hands of a madman.
Ha! No, honestly, the nurses didn't have anything to do with it.
I I Tell her, Roge.
Tell her, tell Jeannie.
Jeannie, he's trying to kill us.
No, not that.
Jeannie Oh! Oh, Jeannie.
Oh, are we glad to see you.
Jeannie, look at me.
Look Look at me.
Look at my hollow eyes.
My sunken cheeks.
We've been starved, steamed and strained.
Why did you not tell me this Commander Porter was mistreating you? Why didn't we tell her? Because Oh, well, I guess it was just his foolish pride.
You are sure you have not been having fun with these nurses? My word of honor.
And you are very hungry? Yeah, hungry.
Starved.
Oh, so hungry.
Oh, yeah.
Oh.
Food! Oh, remind me to have your bottle air-conditioned.
Yes, Roge.
Mmm.
Oooh.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
WOMAN: Major Nelson.
Major Healey.
Your favorite nurse is here again.
You naughty boys.
Naughty boys? Oh, no, no, it's not what you think.
Ohhh.
No, it really isn't.
Jeannie, now, now, don't Don't take your food.
Here, get Oh! Ow! Ow! Jeannie, come back.
[.]
Time to take more blood, dear boys.
Ha-ha-ha! Amazing.
You know something, Healey? You and Nelson have lost enough fat to make a full-grown jockey.
[LAUGHS.]
I can't tell you how this pleases me.
How much longer is this gonna take, sir? Oh, we're just getting started.
Yes, sir, we're just getting started.
I want Dr.
Bellows to see you.
Oh, uh, come along, Miss, uh, Lugosi.
You can take more blood later.
That should put a smile on your face.
[.]
Oh, my poor master.
I saw everything and I am so ashamed.
I am not fit to be your genie.
I am a complete flip.
Flop.
Flop.
Jeannie, is that you? Oh.
Poor sweet master.
You have grown so skinny, even your head feels thin.
Oh, but do not worry.
I shall arrange a feast of the ages.
Poached ears of the camel.
Pomegranates and honey.
Hummingbird's feet.
Ohhh.
Hold the bird feet, Jeannie, it's too late.
I think we've had it.
Oh, we're too bushed to move.
Well, then I will unbush you.
[.]
[LAUGHING.]
I'm up.
I'm moving.
I feel great.
I feel like a tiger.
[GRUNTING.]
Ha-ha-ha! Now no one will be ashamed of you.
Jeannie, Jeannie, it's too fast.
Slow us down.
Oh.
Oh, take it easy, Jeannie.
We're going too fast.
Too fast.
Slow us down.
Wait a minute.
We're too fast.
Oh, dear.
I think my unbushing spell needs work.
What shape are they in, commander? I'd say they we're shapeless.
Ha-ha-ha-ha! It's pitiful.
No stamina, colonel.
No stamina.
Well, look for yourself.
[CHUCKLES.]
[GASPS.]
Incredible.
Sickening the way those chowhounds fell apart, isn't it? Fell apart? You better take another look, commander.
I don't know how they're doing it but they're hopping around like jumping beans on a skillet.
What? Let me see.
I say this proves that your analysis of the astronaut's diet was incorrect.
No, I I was right.
Their diet was trash.
What's keeping those boys going is my special vitamin pills.
Your vitamin pills? Secret formula.
I broke 'em down, but my pills built 'em right up again.
They can take it.
Now, I can hit 'em with the real test.
Five days and nights on Skull Island without supplies.
Living off the land like wild animals.
Wild animals? Well, do you think they can take it, commander? Look at 'em.
I'll give 'em the works.
The works.
[.]
[.]
Skull Island.
Well, gentlemen, do you think you're ready to withstand five days of animal survival here? Does fainting answer your question? Never mind, they're ready.
You have plenty of my special vitamins and these little beauties.
The Commander Porter Handbook for Survival.
Use these properly and you won't starve, understand? And if we get hungry, we can eat the book.
Ha-ha! Ha-ha! That's the spirit.
Commander, starvation is not the real danger.
No? The real danger is the mental disorientation that accompanies acute hunger.
It may impair their judgment and cause frightening hallucinations.
Don't worry, doc.
Nobody's gonna start seeing things.
My vitamins and my handbooks will pull us through.
All right, men.
Let's go to work.
Scrounge! [WHISTLE BLOWS.]
Scrounge.
[.]
[BOTH PANTING.]
Ohhh.
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
Phew! Oh, boy, I don't know about you, but I'm starved.
Oh, do not worry, Jeannie is here.
What are you? What are you doing here? Oh, thanks, Jeannie, but no thanks.
We can't.
You do not like turkey and cranberries and And sweet potatoes and white potatoes and pickles.
No, you see, Commander Porter is taking the same test with us.
He's eating everything we do.
It's him against us.
Right, we're gonna beat him at his own game.
Yeah.
I think you are both being very foolish.
If you do not eat, you are going to get sick.
PORTER: Nelson, Healey, yo! Get out, go on, out.
Take this with you, go on.
Well, well.
Hey, sir.
[CHUCKLING.]
Came up empty-handed, didn't you, from the hunt? Well, lucky for you, Commander Porter's a master at the art of food-finding.
Yeah.
Today, we feast.
Yes, sir.
Swamp roots, lily buds, nice juicy snails.
Here, boys, try one of the crickets.
They're delicious.
[SNIFFING.]
Hey, uh y-you guys smell roast turkey? Yeah, we smell turkey No, we can't be smelling roast turkey.
If we were smelling roast turkey, we'd be having a hallucination.
And we can't be having a hallucination, not with The Commander Porter Handbook for Survival.
Ha-ha! Yeah, yeah.
You're right, I-I didn't smell roast turkey.
Come on, Healey, chomp on a snail.
[SNIFFS.]
No, I I don't smell roast turkey or cranberry sauce and pumpkin pie.
Uh, check? Check.
I don't even smell oyster dressing.
[CHUCKLING.]
No.
Hey, this looks good.
Funny, uh Well, chow down.
"First man lures fish in close by making sounds in water's surface.
" Okay, Nelson.
Huh? Make sounds in water's surface.
"Second man readies spear and strikes when the fish approaches.
" Ready, Healey? Oh! I think I see something, sir.
Here goes.
Get anything? Yes, sir.
My foot.
[.]
[BOTH GRUNTING.]
You must let me help you, master.
You are getting weaker by the minute.
No, no, I'm gonna do it.
Ohhh, I will not allow my master to go hungry.
I know, I will fix you a A A Cornish hen.
No, a squab with No, that is not big enough for two hungry men.
I know.
A nice big chicken.
[ROARING.]
Oh, dear.
[CLUCKING LOUDLY.]
Oh! No, no, no, no.
Hello, Dr.
Bellows.
Eh, Commander Porter here.
Are you alone? Yes, I am, commander.
What seems to be the difficulty? A turkey dinner that wasn't there? There's nothing wrong with you, commander.
Uh, don't ask me how I know, but believe me, you're as sane as I am.
Just take two aspirins and stay away from Major Nelson and Major Healey.
Thanks, doc.
I-I knew my Porter system wouldn't fail me.
I feel a lot better.
W-what? Uh, sorry, I couldn't hear you on account of the giant chicken.
A giant chicken.
Giant chicken? [MOUTHED SPEECH.]
I don't see a giant chicken.
Jeannie, now you get rid of that thing.
You just get rid of it.
Yes, master.
All right.
All right.
All right, uh, please just don't try to help us anymore.
Roger, let's go and try to find some real food, huh? Oh, please, master, let me get you some food.
No, Jeannie, we're not allowed to accept food unless it's from the natives, like it says in the handbook.
Yeah, come on.
Yeah.
[.]
"Food and shelter may sometimes be found at a friendly native village.
" PORTER: No Th-there was no chicken.
Dr.
Bellows knows what he's talking about.
I didn't see nothing.
All right.
Friendly native village.
Looks like one But it isn't here.
M-m-m-my vitamins.
I'll take some more of my vitamins.
When I open my eyes, it'll It'll all be gone.
All gone.
You may accept this food, please.
We are friendly native village.
Just like in your book.
You aren't here.
It's like I could just reach out and touch you but But you're not here.
It's a What do you call it? A A mirage.
That's what it is, a mirage.
And I'll I'll I'll prove it, it's a mirage.
[SCREAMING.]
Infidel dog.
You have desecrated the tents of the women.
For this, you must die.
D-die? [CHUCKLES.]
Wh-what am I worried about? There's nobody here.
I'm all alone with a big hairy mirage.
You don't exist.
Seize him.
Th-this isn't happening.
Uh, put me down, fellows, will you? Put me down.
Oh.
Master? Master? PORTER: Put me down.
"Approach nest from north side of tree.
Carefully remove eggs.
" Ungh! Uh, steady, little to the right, okay? TONY: Okay.
Look, pull.
JEANNIE: Master! Master! Be careful will you.
Huh? Master! Oh, master! What is it? Danger What's that? [CREAKING.]
Huh? Oh, sorry, Roge.
Oh, Major Healey.
Oh, master, please hurry, you must go.
What is it? Oh, there's no time to explain.
[MAN GRUNTING.]
You aren't here.
That big knife isn't gonna hurt anybody.
And that bevy of handclapping beauties ain't here, neither.
[CHUCKLING.]
What a great mirage.
[GRUNTS.]
If this was real, I'd, uh, sure be worried.
What is it? Oh, Cousin Hamid, no! Do not kill him.
The infidel must die.
Who are they? Oh, friends, this is Cousin Hamid.
This is my beloved master Major Nelson and Major Healey.
Welcome to my humble village.
My tent is your tent.
And now, if you will excuse me, I must cut your friend to ribbons.
Uh, wait.
Wait.
Hi, Nelson.
You in my mirage too? [CHUCKLES.]
Hi.
Can't you help? Can't you help him? That is Cousin Hamid.
[GROWLS.]
Ha! What's the matter, big stuff? Can't you aim good? [LAUGHS.]
[GROWLS.]
Oh, now my mirage is mad.
Why don't you try it again? Now you pay.
For a mirage, you have terrible breath.
No, no Did you do it? Did you? I cannot kill a man who shows no fear.
His courage has won him life and the right to wear the robes of Hadjibaba.
Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
But thank you, cousin, for a very entertaining diversion.
I will see you in 2000 years at the family picnic? [CHUCKLES.]
Dress will be casual.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Don't bother.
I know the way out.
Bye-bye.
[JEANNIE LAUGHING.]
TONY: Well JEANNIE: You see? I knew it would work out all right.
Oh.
Let's get Porter off that stake.
[WHISTLES.]
Oh, master, the robes of Hadjibaba.
Yeah, never mind that, come on.
ROGER: Whoa! Oh.
Are you all right? You all right? Hi, Nelson.
Hi, Healey.
You're here too.
Gee, what a crowded mirage.
Where'd you get her? Never mind.
I'll snap out of this and you'll all be gone.
Uh, sir, I think we'd better explain Step back.
I'd like to try out this big knife.
That guy in the mirage really tried to give it to me.
Hey, you know something? This knife is real.
Whoa! Are you all right, sir? Are you all right, sir? Commander Porter? Are you all right, sir? BELLOWS: Major Healey, commander, can you hear me? Oh, it must be Dr.
Bellows.
Oh, it must be a search party.
How are we gonna? How are we gonna explain Sheikh Ali Ben Porter? Um, Jeannie? Oh, well, you will think of something.
I wish I could.
Yeah Oh.
Oh, are you all right? Sir? Sir? Jeannie, will you come back? Jeannie.
Mirage.
It was real.
Nelson.
Yes, sir.
Healey, it was real! Yes, yes.
The knife.
It It's gone, but it was here.
It was right here.
Sir, you're weak from lack of food.
Don't baby me.
There was a giant with a beard and And tents and a blond.
Sir, you're an inspiration to all your men, giving us your food like that.
A-and the giant chicken, I saw it too.
A-and this knife Where's the knife? He tried to cut me to ribbons.
No, no, no.
I gave you my food? Yes.
No, I had on this weird housecoat, a-and my shoes curled up at the toes.
Dr.
Bellows is Is searching for us, sir.
Uh, uh, let me explain what happened.
After the landslide [.]
[.]
And so, gentlemen, although the space agency was disappointed in the failure of Commander Porter's program, they were most impressed with your showing.
TONY: We only did our duty, sir.
We learned from Commander Porter's example.
Mmm, it was his principles of self-sacrifice.
I'm glad to hear you say that because the Department of Defense would like you to share the survival techniques.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
[ALL CHATTERING.]
BELLOWS: Ah, come in, sir.
Hi, fella.
It's me.
Now, you're going to show me how you did it.
We're going back out to Skull Island and we're gonna stay there until I know everything you know.
So stop sitting there like lard-bellied yo-yos and move.
Move! [BLOWS WHISTLE.]
Roge.
[.]
[.]