I Dream of Jeannie (1965) s03e22 Episode Script

[.]
TONY: Jeannie! I'm ready for breakfast.
Ah.
Good morning, Jeannie.
Good morning, master.
Beautiful.
How was your dinner party at At the Bellow" last night? Ho-ho.
Wonderful, wonderful.
I wish I could have taken you.
I tell you what a cook.
Thank you.
She must have learned to cook in Paris.
Ooh, is she a A better cook than I am? Mm.
Well, it's not the same.
She cooks all her own meals.
So she didn't You just you know, blink.
I see.
Remarkable woman, Mrs.
Bellows.
She cooks all his dinners cleans his clothes irons his shirts.
Yeah, yeah, he's a very lucky man.
Why, I'm sorry if you have been suffering.
How did we get into this? You attacked me.
No, I didn't attack you.
All I was doing is praising Mrs.
Bellows.
That is what I said.
You attacked me.
I am sure that even if I were not a genie, I could do all these things better than she can.
I'm sure you could, Jeannie.
I'm sure you could.
But we'll never know, will we? Morning.
Good morning, Tony.
Hi, Roge.
Good morning, Jeannie.
Good morning, Major Healey.
Would you care for some breakfast? No, thank you.
I'm still stuffed from last night.
That meal was something, wasn't it? Fair.
Fair? That was one of the greatest meals I ever had in my whole life.
What a housekeeper.
Mrs.
Bellows We're a little late.
We better get to the office.
Wait, it's not that late.
Wait a minute, what do you mean it's late? Very well then.
If that is what he wants, that is what he is going to get.
It is war.
[.]
[.]
No.
No, no.
And you have summoned Haji here for this? Oh, yes, great Haji.
In all my years as master of the genies, I've never heard anything like it.
You wish me to take away your magic powers? Oh, please.
It is the last request I will make of you.
If I take away your powers, it'll be the last request you'll be able to make.
You'll be like everyone else, a mere mortal.
Yes.
That is exactly what I wish to be.
Just like everyone else.
Oh, the kids today have no appreciation.
Oh, please.
This is very important to me.
I shall never understand this younger generation.
Well, as long as I am a genie, my My master has no respect for me.
[SIGHS.]
He takes me for granted.
Then you must do more for him.
The more I do for him, the more he takes me for granted.
Oh? But let another woman cook or clean or sew for him, and he never stops talking about it.
Heh.
You would think they were performing miracles.
And you believe that if you did these things without magic powers, for him, it will impress him.
Oh, I know it will.
I should never have taken on this job.
I think I'm getting an ulcer.
Thank you.
What is it? Chicken soup.
Ah.
You remembered.
Delicious.
Delicious.
What you're asking is against the rules, you know.
But you will do it? Mm.
Yes.
Oh, thank you, Haji.
For one week.
One week? I will not tolerate my genies turning into a bunch of Into a bunch of hippies.
But you will do it? One moment.
Beautiful.
Beautiful.
Thank you, thank you.
[GIGGLES.]
Now [.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Your powers are gone.
Good luck.
Oh, thank you, Haji.
Thank you.
Oh.
Oh! My master is in for the most wonderful surprise.
Brilliant.
You're the only one on the base who could've done that.
I don't know what's gotten into Jeannie.
Every time I open my mouth, she starts an argument.
That's not like her.
She generally has a great disposition.
Yeah.
Unless she gets mad, then look out.
I know.
Oh, you must have said something to her.
All I did was tell her what a wonderful cook Amanda Bellows was.
Major Nelson, you're very sweet.
Mrs.
Bellows.
Hello.
Please.
Sit down.
Oh, thank you.
But now, don't let me interrupt you gentlemen.
You were saying what a great cook I am? Oh, Amanda.
AMANDA: Darling, don't be jealous.
I'm sure they say marvelous things behind your back too.
I'll say.
Major, who were you telling about my cooking? Who? Whom.
Yes, you said she got angry and started an argument.
Oh, my housekeeper, Jeannie.
Oh, I didn't know you had a housekeeper.
She's new.
Brand new.
And she can't cook? Well Let's say she can't cook the way you do.
I would say that's a fair statement.
Well, perhaps you are asking too much from her.
After all, women like Amanda don't come along every day.
Oh, darling.
Women like his housekeeper don't come along every day either.
Well Come along, Amanda.
We'll just leave you to your work.
Oh, yes, I just wanted to say hello.
I wanted to thank you for a wonderful evening.
It's nothing at all.
Thank you for coming.
Okay, goodbye.
Oh, Dr.
Bellows, I hope I didn't go too far with those party tricks at your house the other night.
[CHUCKLES.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, no.
The other guests thought you were very entertaining.
Well, I always try to have fun.
You forgot your socks.
Oh.
Thank you, sir.
They're mine.
[SIGHS.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
I was wondering what I did with these.
[HUMMING.]
[SIZZLING.]
Jeannie.
Hello? Hey! [BLOWING.]
Uh! Oh! Jeannie! Hey Jeannie, what's going on here anyhow? Mm.
[MUFFLED.]
Sorry, master.
I'm sorry.
I burned my finger.
I can't understand a word you're saying.
I'm sorry.
I burned my finger.
Oh, let me see.
Oh, that is all right.
It's fine.
Well, it's not the only thing you've burned.
Look at this.
[GASPS.]
Oh, that is terrible.
Just as I was getting the hang of it.
Well, you know I always send out my own shirts.
From now on, I am going to do them for you.
I don't think I can afford you.
Oh.
I will fix that.
What do I smell, besides this, that's burning? Hm? My dinner.
Dinner? You're cooking dinner by hand? Wait a minute.
Wait a minute! Jeannie! [SCREAMS.]
What is going on here? Are you all right, master? Look, Jeannie, I've had a very hard day.
A very hard day.
Now, I want all this stuff out of here.
The ironing board in the living room, and all of this, and Whatever that is.
I'm gonna count to three.
I want it gone, you understand? One, two, three.
They're still here, you see.
All of this, it's still here.
All of this.
Master? Yes? I have the most wonderful news for you.
TONY [LAUGHS.]
: You gotta be kidding.
Oh, please, master.
I will learn how to do everything.
You will be surprised.
Well, you've lost your powers now.
I don't really have a choice, do I? Oh, thank you, master.
[GASPS.]
I will be the best housewife in the whole world.
You will see.
Could I make a suggestion? Certainly, master.
Don't starch the pajamas.
But they are bigger now.
Don't.
Oh.
Good night.
Good night, master.
Oh, hi, Tony.
I was just talking to Doc Have you outgrown all your uniforms? It's a new style.
Uh, mini-sleeves.
[LAUGHS.]
[LAUGHS.]
Mini-sleeves.
They're very chic.
Jeannie's at it again, huh? She washed it.
That's carrying things too far.
Yeah.
Oh, Major Nelson.
I, um just wanna go over the details of this Major, what are you wearing? Well, I've got work to do, sir.
Excuse me.
Ahem.
It shrunk, sir.
My other uniforms are in the cleaners.
Well, it looks terrible.
Take that jacket off.
[CHUCKLES.]
You look like Little Major Fauntleroy.
I-I'd rather not.
Well.
Don't stand on formality.
This is your office.
Take it off.
If you say so, sir.
[VASE BREAKS.]
Oh.
That is three.
Hm.
WOMAN: Hello? Oh! Oh, wow.
Is Major Nelson home? Hello? Hello? Well, I've heard of shy, but this is ridiculous.
Oh, you must be Jeannie.
You have heard of me? Oh, yes, of course.
Major Nelson told me all about you.
I'm Amanda Bellows.
Oh, I know.
My master has told me all about you.
Oh, I'm glad that he told Your master? Well, that is what I call him.
Oh.
I baked this for him.
Oh.
He will be so pleased.
He does not think I am a very good cook.
He does not think I am a very good housewife either.
Housewife? Oh.
You and Major Nel And I want to be the best housewife in the whole world.
And he never said a word.
He didn't bring you to dinner last night.
Oh, no.
My master never takes me out with him.
He said it would be too embarrassing if people knew about me.
He did, did he? Mm-hm.
But now that he has told you about me, it is all right.
He will be pleased that we have met.
Uh.
Pleased isn't the word for it.
Now, let me get this straight.
Honey, didn't you have any idea what you were getting involved in? Well Perhaps I was a little too hasty.
This morning, I wanted to go to the grocery store, and I didn't have anything to wear.
You didn't have anything to wear? Do you mean to tell me that this is the only thing you have? Doesn't he buy you any dresses? Oh, no.
My master has never bought me any clothes.
I will make some coffee.
Won't you please sit down.
I Oh.
Oh, dear.
I've not made up my bed yet.
You sleep on the couch? Well, yes, uh That does it.
Ha! Boy, that does it.
Listen, I am going to get you out of this mess if it's the last thing I ever do.
Oh, thank you.
If I could just learn how to clean the house.
Honey, you don't need a clean house.
What you need is a divorce! Major Nelson marry? Oh, really, Amanda, I don't believe it.
You haven't heard anything.
Well, he certainly would have told me if he were married.
Darling, you don't know a thing about the real Major Nelson.
I know that man's psyche like the back of my own hand.
How would you describe him, psychiatric-wise? Anthony Nelson is a very capable young man.
Sensitive, generous Ha! Ha? Major Nelson is a sadistic, penny-pinching miser.
What are you talking about? I'm talking about a man who treats his wife like a slave.
And dresses her the same way.
You keep talking about Major Nelson's wife.
Where is she? Upstairs.
Under my protection.
Upstairs? Under your protection? Uh, wait, darling.
I am going to tell you about the real psyche behind the psyche of Major Nelson.
Jeannie? Jeannie.
I got a surprise Wonder what this place was like before she started cleaning it up.
I got a surprise for you, Jeannie.
Hey, where are you? I got a "She's left you, you louse.
" "You louse?" She's left me? Wait! I've heard of separate bedrooms.
But separate couch? Check.
Checkmate.
Alfred, it's unbelievable.
I helped her pack, darling.
And she She doesn't even own a pair of stockings.
And he keeps her running around the house in some flimsy Arabian Night thing.
You know, so she can't even go out.
She's practically a prisoner.
Do you know what this means? What? I'm gonna have to do a whole new profile chart on him.
Alfred, what about that poor girl upstairs? Yes.
We must do something.
Keeping her in slavery [HUFFS.]
[SNAPS.]
That's the classic Zimmerman pattern.
A frustrated, infantile, sadistic Alfred, this isn't a lecture.
This is real life.
I'm sorry, my dear.
Well, what are we gonna do? I'm going to have a little talk with Major Nelson.
Cocoa Beach Hotel? Yes.
Uh, I wonder if a young lady's checked in there in the last hour or so.
Jeannie.
Well, she could have used any last name.
She's a blond, and she was wearing kind of a pink harem costume.
[PHONE CLICKS.]
Hello? Hello? [DOORBELL RINGS.]
Yes? Oh! Good evening, Dr.
Bellows.
Is it? Yes.
Yes, it is.
As a matter of fact, it's quite nice.
Uh, you seem, uh, agitated.
Is anything wrong? Uh Oh, no.
No, no, nothing Well, my housekeeper is missing, as you can see.
I was just trying to locate her.
And that's what I came here to discuss.
What? My housekeeper? If that's what you wish to call her.
You see, major, I know all about her.
Y-you do? I What I mean is, there's nothing to know.
She's just your ordinary everyday housekeeper.
In a pink harem costume? [LAUGHS.]
Pink harem You've seen her.
Where is she, Dr.
Bellows? I mean, she shouldn't run around loose.
You have no idea what kind of trouble she can get in.
She's perfectly safe, major.
She's staying at my house until Mrs.
Bellows can arrange for the divorce.
Divorce? [WHISPERS.]
Jeannie.
Jeannie.
It's me.
Louse.
Come on, I've come to take you out of here.
You Would you? Come on.
I wanna take you home.
Now, don't you pretend to be asleep, young lady.
Come on.
All right.
I'll get you out of here even if I have to carry you out.
Mm.
Shh! Good evening, Dr.
Bellows.
What are you doing? I'm taking her home.
Good evening, Mrs.
Bellows.
Dr.
Bellows, if I could just talk to Jeannie just for a minute No, major.
You've done enough to that poor girl.
Uh, has she complained? That poor innocent child doesn't even know how badly you've treated her.
That poor innocent child? Do you happen to know how old she is? No.
How old is she? Well, her age has nothing to do with it.
You're not ready for marriage, Major Nelson.
I know I'm not.
I never said I was, sir.
Do you know what you are ready for, major? No, sir.
In-depth analysis.
Starting tomorrow morning, Sir, I don't need in-depth analysis.
All I need is A whip and chain.
I'll handle this, Amanda.
You should be arrested.
BELLOWS: Good night, major.
Good night, sir.
Mrs.
Bellows.
It shatters the imagination to think what some women will put up with.
Yes.
What's gonna happen to him now, Alfred? BELLOWS: Well, first, I'm gonna straighten him out.
And then I'm gonna have him transferred out of NASA.
Oh, no.
Oh.
My poor master.
Oh, I cannot let them transfer him out of NASA.
Uh, because if they do he will kill me.
Haji.
Haji.
Oh.
[SOBS.]
Oh, this is terrible.
This time, I have truly done it.
Here we are.
Here we are.
Sit down, darling.
Uh, Jeannie, this is Mr.
Murdock.
This is a sad day for all of us.
Oh, yes.
You have nothing to fear, my dear.
I want you to think of me as a father figure.
Someone to turn to in this time of great sorrow.
Is he an undertaker? Oh.
Oh, no, dear.
No, no, no.
He's your divorce lawyer.
M-m My divorce lawyer? I know it hurts now.
But believe me in a few weeks, you'll be laughing.
I have hundreds of satisfied clients.
They come to me in shackles.
They leave on soaring wings.
Mr.
Murdock, I cannot divorce Major Nelson.
Why not? Because we are not She's terrified of him.
Oh, no.
Oh, no, I am not terrified of him.
He is the most wonderful master in the whole world.
Master? What did I tell you? Oh, this is gonna be a beauty.
Please do not do anything that will harm Major Nelson.
Oh, relax, Jeannie, dear.
Well, It's true you won't have Major Nelson anymore.
But you'll have something much better.
Community property.
I do not want this community property.
He's brainwashed her.
Well the grounds for divorce surely won't be a problem.
Uh He, uh, kept you a slave.
He never took you out.
Gave you no allowance.
No clothes to speak of.
He forced you to sleep on the couch while he slept in a luxurious bedroom.
Oh, no.
No, no, no.
It was not that way at all.
There's something that we don't know about? Yes.
Well, tell us.
Well, I-if I tell you the whole truth will it help Major Nelson? Well, let's put it this way, Jeannie.
It can't do him any more harm.
Then I will tell you.
[CLICK.]
The reason I slept on the couch was because I could not get into my bottle.
I missed something.
Oh.
You see, I am a genie.
Major Nelson picked me up on a desert island.
Well, he He found me in this bottle where a wicked djinn had put me.
Well, it is true he opened my bottle, but it is not fair to say that he mistreated me.
Major Nelson is the most wonderful master I have ever had.
Well, everything would have been fine if I had not called on Haji.
Haji? The chief of all the genies.
That Haji.
He took away all my powers.
So that is why I could not get into my bottle to sleep.
And the reason there are no clothes in the house is because this is what all genies wear.
Did I forget something? No.
But there is something she forgot to tell me.
You're a fruitcake.
[.]
I can't apologize enough, Major Nelson, for the terrible mistake we've made.
That's all right, sir.
It could happen to anyone.
What you must have had to put up with.
TONY: You'll never know.
It was a nightmare.
AMANDA: Oh, you poor thing.
Uh Where is she now? She went to her mother's.
I suppose you'll be getting an annulment.
I suppose so.
Oh.
If there's anything I can do The wounds will heal.
Of course.
Uh AMANDA: Major, come to dinner tomorrow night.
I'll cook my specialty, duck with orange sauce.
I'd love to.
Oh, good.
Good.
We'll see you tomorrow.
Yes.
Of course.
Good night, major.
Good night, sir.
Good night.
You are not going to eat that woman's terrible cooking again.
Oh, yes, I am.
It's great cooking.
Great.
And there's nothing you can do about it, because you lost your powers, remember? [MAGIC BOINGS.]
[GIGGLES.]
My powers came back an hour ago.
[GIGGLES.]
Mm.
[.]