I Dream of Jeannie (1965) s04e01 Episode Script
U-F-Oh Jeannie
[.]
Ground Control, Jet Plate 1.
The aircraft's handling very well.
Circular thrust is okay, but it's not up to what I expected.
The engineers have to correct that.
All right, we're going to try the vertical descent now to check out the landing position.
Will confirm as soon as we're airborne again.
Jet Plate 1 over and out.
The interior cabin weight has increased by 109 pounds.
I won I wonder what that means.
Huh? Let me check it out.
[CRIES OUT.]
It means your scale is wrong, Major Healey.
I have never weighed more than 107 pounds in my entire life.
Jeannie, what are you doing here? This is a top secret flight.
I know, master, and you must keep up your strength.
I brought your lunch.
[CHUCKLES.]
Would you please, Jeannie.
Out.
It's peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
Yeah, I don't care what it is.
This is really important.
Now, you Wait Wait Wait a minute! What flavor jelly? Roger, stop that.
And you too, come on, get out.
Go on.
Yeah.
Boy.
Oh, boy, you were kind of tough on her.
She was only thinking of us.
Roger, when we get back to base I will personally buy you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
What flavor jelly? Let's take her down, hm? Hey, wait a minute.
This doesn't look like our touchdown point.
Huh? You're right.
Jeannie's weight must have thrown us off course.
Let me check that.
All right, you take her down.
I'll handle this.
Aye, aye, sir.
Here we go.
All right.
[WHIRRING.]
[CRUNCHING.]
Beautiful, Roge.
She handles like a dream.
Okay.
Go.
[.]
[GUNS COCKING.]
All right, you Martians, up with your hands.
[.]
[.]
[.]
Martians? Well, that's ridiculous.
We're not Martians.
Eh! Didn't expect you'd say you was, even if-in you are.
Paw, they're funnier looking than I thought they'd be.
Martians? It's the flight suits, Roger.
Take off the flight suits.
Here, unzip I'm not taking my flight suit off in front of that girl.
[MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY.]
ROGER: Wait a minute.
Hey, lookit, Paw, they're shedding their skin.
Well, I'll be.
Sam hill.
Um Well, see? [GUN COCKS.]
Back, critters.
Unless you want more holes in you than a gopher field.
Oh, look, ma'am, I-I think you made a mistake.
Um, I'm Major Anthony Nelson and this is Major Roger Healey.
Eh, we're from Cocoa Beach.
Uh, uh, NASA.
Uh, we're astronauts.
What's an asternort, Paw? I don't rightly know.
I reckon some special kind of Martian.
This one's kind of cute, Paw.
Can I keep him? You get back here, girl.
You wanna get yourself corn-taminated? You don't think they're gonna shoot us, do you? No, of course not, Roger.
They're just simple country folk, Roger.
They're frightened.
I'll talk to 'em in their own language.
Yeah.
Good.
Uh, now looky here, folks.
There ain't nothing to rightly be feared How do you say "help" in hillbilly? "Help.
" Help! Help! Help! Help! Help! Help! Help! Help! Help! Help! What are you gonna do with them, Paw? Well, I don't rightly know, Daisy Lou.
First thing we gonna do is move 'em over to the house.
Okay, Martians, get moving.
What? What's the second thing you're gonna do? Well, now, that's the part I ain't decided on yet.
I reckon we'll either shoot you or hang you.
Git! Git! [.]
[.]
Master.
Major Healey.
[SINGING IN FOREIGN DIALECT.]
[SINGING IN FOREIGN DIALECT.]
Hello.
Have you seen two astronauts? Aw, yep, uh Paw's got 'em back to the house.
Oh, dear, I hope they aren't having lunch.
I don't reckon they are.
Hey, are you, uh? Are you an asternort too? [LAUGHS.]
Oh, no.
I am a genie.
Oh, I'm right pleased to meet you, Miss Jeannie.
My name's Clem.
How do you do, Mr.
Clem? You're purty.
Quick too.
I would like to see the two astronauts, please.
If'n I let you see 'em, then will you give me a kiss? No, Mr.
Clem, but I will give you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Okay, okay, just put that thing down, will you? PAW: Get in there.
I don't want any nonsense outta you two.
You made your mind up yet, Paw? Yeah, are you gonna hang 'em or shoot 'em? How many times do I tell you? I'm not a Martian.
I-I was brought up in a farm.
I know all about barns, I Hang 'em! [.]
Why are you doing that, Mr.
Clem? You were going to take me to see the two astronauts.
Oh, well, I aim to, uh, Miss Jeannie.
I aim to, you see.
But, um, us mountain folks has, uh, our own special way of doing things, and, uh, well, it wouldn't be fitting for me to take you over to see them fellas without I first showed you some old-fashioned mountain hospitality.
Is that what you were doing with them? Oh, we sure are.
Heh, heh.
Well, all right.
I I do not wish to be impolite.
[PHONOGRAPH PLAYING BANJO MUSIC.]
But But can you show me this hospitality quickly? Miss Jeannie, I aim to be quicker than spit on the griddle.
[CRIES OUT.]
Is this what you call hospitality? Why, sure.
How about a little old-fashioned mountain-style bear hug? [SCREAMS.]
[ROARS.]
Miss Jeannie! Miss Jeannie! Wait a minute.
Now, that's not what I meant.
I meant something entirely different.
There.
Reckon that ought to keep you Martians from trying any more funny stuff.
What can we do to convince you we're not Martians? Could they be telling the truth, Paw? Well, I reckon not, but there ain't no real way of telling.
Say, that gives me an idea.
Do Martians have blood? Of course not, Maw.
Everybody knows Martians ain't got no blood.
And if'n they do, it's green.
Well, then, all we got to do is poke 'em a little with this, and if they bleed red, they ain't Martian.
I'm a Martian, I'm a Martian.
Martian.
Martian.
There, you see, Paw? We got us a corn-fession.
Heh-heh.
Now, all you got to do is decide whether you wanna hang 'em, or Or shoot 'em.
Will you stop ogling him, Daisy Lou? But he's cute, Maw.
I'm gonna give you cute right up alongside your head.
We ain't having no mixed marriages in our family.
I say we should shoot 'em and be done with it.
[.]
I reckon you're right, Maw.
Oh, Paw, don't shoot 'em.
Can't we keep 'em as pets? I bet they'd pull a real good plow.
Daisy Lou, they is strangers.
And strangers mean trouble.
What if somebody was to find out about 'em? They tell the government, the government tell the revenuers, the revenuers come poking around here and find our still.
Your Paw's right, Daisy Lou.
The only thing to do is shoot 'em.
Uh, ma'am, could I speak to you a moment, please? Uh, I-I think I have a solution.
So have we.
Uh, but I think I can convince you that we're not Martians.
Oh, you can? Uh-huh.
Now, if you'll just call Cocoa Beach.
You call NASA at Cocoa Beach.
They'll be able to explain who we are.
Can't do that, son.
And why not? 'Cause we ain't got a telephone.
[ALL LAUGH.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, yeah.
Ain't got a telephone.
Somebody must have a telephone around here.
Isn't there a town nearby? We could go to Hankerville, Paw.
Yeah, reckon we could.
Say, um, uh, what's this fellow, "NASA"? Oh, it's not a fella, sir.
It's the National Aeronautics and Space Agency.
The who? Oh, um, the government.
Paw, you're right.
Revenuers! Wait, put the down the gun.
TONY: Forget it, Roge.
Forget it? They're gonna shoot us! No, no, they just probably don't want the reward.
Maw.
Reward? What reward? Um, the United States government would be very grateful if you captured two Martians.
There would be a big reward.
Right? [.]
Let's go to Hankerville.
We'll send Clem to Hankerville.
Remember: NASA.
Uh, Cocoa Beach.
Ask for Dr.
Bellows! Oh, don't ask for Dr.
Bellows.
Forget Forget Dr.
Bellows.
I sure don't know how you done this, Miss Jeannie, but I'd sure appreciate it if'n you'd let me down.
Well, I would be happy to, Mr.
Clem.
But first you must promise not to chase me anymore.
Oh, I will.
I do.
I surely do.
And then you must promise to take me to see the two astronauts.
I will, I will.
Just as soon as you let me down from here.
Very well.
[.]
[SHRIEKS.]
Mr.
Clem, you promised.
I know I did, Miss Jeannie, but I'm a terrible liar.
Paw whups me for it all the time.
I just can't help it.
I just keep on lying.
Ah-haw! What? Clem, you get down from there.
Well, I don't rightly know how, Maw.
She done it to me.
PAW: I might have noticed.
Another Martian, but female.
I would like to see the two astronauts, please.
You watch out for her, Paw.
She's got powers.
Uh, well, why Why surely, ma'am.
Uh, you just follow me.
Oh.
Um Could you get him down from there? 'Cause he's gonna go to Hankerville.
JEANNIE: Very well.
[GIGGLES.]
You tell him what to do, Maw.
Now, uh, ma'am, them other two Martians is out in the barn, so right this way.
Hey, that was a great idea about the reward.
I wonder how far it is from here to Hankerville? I don't know, but here they come.
[.]
Oh, master, what have they done to you? Would you please just blink us outta here.
Oh, yes, master.
At once.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
Hey, that's real neat.
Sure saves us the trouble.
Heh.
Clem's on his way, Paw.
Say, you done her pretty good, Paw.
I've been thinkin'.
Them rewards you get for capturing people.
They say "dead or alive," don't they? They sure do.
Uh-huh.
[.]
[.]
Yes.
Yes, well, thank you, colonel.
Nothing yet on Major Nelson and Major Healey, sir.
They were supposed to land and then confirm once they were airborne again.
It's, uh, been three hours.
Well, the radar lost them as soon as they started down.
They could be anywhere within a radius of 200 miles.
Well, according to [PHONE BUZZES.]
Oh, I'll get it.
Dr.
Bellows speaking.
Uh, yes.
Just a moment.
For you, sir.
General Peterson.
Yes.
Henderson, I haven't got time to fool around any kind of nonsense like that.
I've an experimental ship with two astronauts down, and Yes.
Yes, I know.
All right.
I'll send somebody up there.
Major Nelson, Major Healey? Martians.
I beg your pardon? All those blasted UFO sightings.
Every time some darn fool sees a sunspot or a balloon, they think we're being invaded.
[SNAPS FINGERS.]
Perhaps Jet Plate 1.
It looks like a flying saucer.
That thought crossed my mind.
However, this time the report says the Martians have been captured.
Three of 'em.
One a female.
Well, that crosses out Major Nelson and Major Healey.
Nevertheless, space headquarters wants the invaders questioned and investigated.
Now, would you mind hopping up there, Dr.
Bellows? [.]
Yes, sir.
Jeannie, would you wake up? Would you please wake up? Oh! Uh-oh.
You woke up the wrong girl.
Shoot.
Hi.
Hey, Martian.
How come you don't cotton to me? I sure cotton to you.
You hear that? She cottons to me.
What a time to be irresistible.
Roger, control yourself, will ya? Just control yourself.
I know how unbearably beautiful you find her, but remember, you're a Martian.
She's She's an earthling.
It won't work.
What are you talking about? I know, I know, I know.
The heartbreak, the pain.
The heartbreak and pain is hanging from this hook Roger! You see, miss, us Martians, we don't show our feelings like most folks do.
But Roger here, well, he's just He's just plumb crazy about you.
Oh, he is? Sure he is.
Ain't you, Roge? Ain't you? Oh, yeah.
Oh, me? Boy.
Oh, I'm plumb crazy about you, ma'am.
Right.
Oh, yeah.
Here's what he'd really like to be doing with you now: Is holding you in his arms and crushing you and tell you how beautiful you are.
Yeah, I'd like to hold you and crush you and beautiful Yeah.
The thing is, you with that gun down there and us hanging up here, well, c'est la vie.
What's that mean? In Martian that means he loves you.
Yeah.
Oh.
Well, c'est la vie.
C'est la vie.
C'est la doggone vie.
Oh, yeah.
Mmm.
Oh! [MUFFLED MOANING.]
Wake up.
Wake up.
Would you just please wake up, Jeannie.
[GRUNTS.]
Jeannie, please wake up.
Please, come one.
Come on, baby.
Okay, put her down over here.
Over here.
[GROANS.]
Water.
I think she's coming to.
Water.
Jeannie, if you just wake up you could blink yourself Lake Michigan.
There's a bucket over here.
Oh! It's got water in it.
Water.
There you go.
[.]
[MOONSHINE BUBBLING.]
[WEEPING.]
He said he was plumb crazy for me.
He even said he c'est la vied me.
He didn't.
Yes, and then he [SOBS.]
Aw, hush up, Daisy Lou.
Hush up, will ya? You reckon we gotta revenge her, Maw? I reckon we do, Paw.
If'n we don't, we can't hold up our heads in polite society.
Well, uh, how about the reward? Dead or alive, Paw.
Dead or alive.
Uh-huh.
Come on, gal.
[.]
Come on, Jeannie, we gotta get back to the jet plate.
More.
Come on, that's enough.
Ahem.
Ah, thank you, Master.
[HICCUPS.]
Wait a minute.
[SINGING INDISTINCTLY.]
[GASPS.]
That's moonshine.
Great, just what we need: A stoned genie.
Jeannie.
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
[SINGING INDISTINCTLY.]
[HICCUPS.]
[GIGGLES.]
Oh! Jeannie.
Jeannie.
Tag! Agh! You are it, master.
Catch me, catch me.
Oh, tag.
Yeah.
All right, Jeannie.
Oh, ooh, oh! [GUN COCKS.]
Come on.
Come on, Jeannie! Will you stop that? Do you happen to know what this stuff is? Very good, master.
I am it.
I will catch you.
Good idea.
[CRIES OUT.]
Roger! Roger.
Come on.
Olly, olly oxen free-free-free.
Oh, that is not fair, master [GUNSHOT.]
[YELLS.]
[LAUGHING.]
Jeannie, just one blink to the jet plate.
[GUNSHOT.]
[YELLS.]
Please, just one blink.
[GUNSHOT.]
[YELLS.]
Oh, now we're really up a tree.
If that is your pleasure.
[GIGGLES.]
How's this? Oh, great.
Where'd they go? There they are.
[GUNSHOT.]
[YELLS.]
Now we're really sitting ducks.
Certainly.
[QUACKING.]
Roge, you've got feathers and wings.
So have you.
You wanna fly south for the winter? [GIGGLES.]
[YELLING.]
[GIGGLING.]
Darndest thing I ever seen.
Ah, what'd you expect, Paw? It's just your average, everyday Martian.
Jeannie, blink us to the jet plate right now.
The jet plate, the ship, the airplane, the round thing.
Well, certainly.
Why did you not say so before? I did say so before.
Ah! We're here.
We're safe.
Well, thank you, Jeannie, thank you.
Oh, I've never been so happy to be anyplace in my whole life.
All right.
Let's get outta this nightmare.
Come on.
[GIGGLING.]
Are we not gonna play tag anymore? Oh, what have you done now?! Jeannie, are you all right? Let me check that.
It's all right, Roger, it's just the capacitor.
It'll take a minute to fix.
For the last time, that is not a flying saucer.
It's a jet plate.
An experimental aircraft constructed by the United States Air Force.
BELLOWS: Please, please, will you take me to the astronauts.
It's Dr.
Bellows, all right.
Oh, Jeannie, come on.
We need you.
Wake up.
She must be out for the duration.
Dr.
Bellows must be worried about us.
We'll go out and show him we're okay, and then try to keep those people from thinking we're Martians.
You are Martians.
Yes, master.
[MAGIC BOINGS.]
If they ain't Martians, do we still get a reward? If'n they ain't Martians, Paw, can I marry the cute one? You'll wait till you're 14 like your sister done.
Please, please, just take me to them.
Not till you give us the reward.
My dear sir, I appreciate you informing NASA of the whereabouts of the jet plate, but it seems to me that any public-spirited citizen should be only too willing [GASPS.]
Great heavens.
Martians.
I've gotta get back to I've got to NASA Invaded.
Hey, wait.
Wait a minute.
Hey, mister.
Hey.
Hey, mister.
Wait a minute.
These here are not the same ones.
No, they's different.
[GUNSHOTS.]
Hey, wait a minute.
You can't shoot at Dr.
Bellows.
He's a psychiatrist.
[LAUGHING NERVOUSLY.]
He's right.
We're Martians.
Here, here.
Get 'em, get 'em.
[SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY.]
[.]
General, I don't understand.
This whole base should be on red alert.
The president should have been notified.
Look.
Look at this hat.
Now just calm down, colonel.
Nobody's gonna hurt you.
But, sir, I know it sounds crazy, but it's true: I saw them.
Green Green men with, uh: [STAMMERS.]
Antennae, colonel? That's right, sir, antennae.
They must have taken over the jet plate.
Well, there's the jet plate right now, doctor.
BELLOWS: The gall of them, to come right here to NASA.
[JET PLATE ENGINES WHIRRING.]
Oh, no.
They might have vaporizers.
We'll chance it, doctor.
Go on! You'll see.
You'll see.
Hello.
Hello in Hello in there.
[SPEAKING SLOWLY.]
Uh, we are earthlings.
We like you.
Oh, that's very kind of you, sir.
We like you too.
Well, doctor? [SPEAKING NORMALLY.]
Well, I I tell you, sir, I saw Martians.
They were green with these long antennae.
I saw them.
[.]
[.]
Ground Control, Jet Plate 1.
The aircraft's handling very well.
Circular thrust is okay, but it's not up to what I expected.
The engineers have to correct that.
All right, we're going to try the vertical descent now to check out the landing position.
Will confirm as soon as we're airborne again.
Jet Plate 1 over and out.
The interior cabin weight has increased by 109 pounds.
I won I wonder what that means.
Huh? Let me check it out.
[CRIES OUT.]
It means your scale is wrong, Major Healey.
I have never weighed more than 107 pounds in my entire life.
Jeannie, what are you doing here? This is a top secret flight.
I know, master, and you must keep up your strength.
I brought your lunch.
[CHUCKLES.]
Would you please, Jeannie.
Out.
It's peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
Yeah, I don't care what it is.
This is really important.
Now, you Wait Wait Wait a minute! What flavor jelly? Roger, stop that.
And you too, come on, get out.
Go on.
Yeah.
Boy.
Oh, boy, you were kind of tough on her.
She was only thinking of us.
Roger, when we get back to base I will personally buy you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
What flavor jelly? Let's take her down, hm? Hey, wait a minute.
This doesn't look like our touchdown point.
Huh? You're right.
Jeannie's weight must have thrown us off course.
Let me check that.
All right, you take her down.
I'll handle this.
Aye, aye, sir.
Here we go.
All right.
[WHIRRING.]
[CRUNCHING.]
Beautiful, Roge.
She handles like a dream.
Okay.
Go.
[.]
[GUNS COCKING.]
All right, you Martians, up with your hands.
[.]
[.]
[.]
Martians? Well, that's ridiculous.
We're not Martians.
Eh! Didn't expect you'd say you was, even if-in you are.
Paw, they're funnier looking than I thought they'd be.
Martians? It's the flight suits, Roger.
Take off the flight suits.
Here, unzip I'm not taking my flight suit off in front of that girl.
[MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY.]
ROGER: Wait a minute.
Hey, lookit, Paw, they're shedding their skin.
Well, I'll be.
Sam hill.
Um Well, see? [GUN COCKS.]
Back, critters.
Unless you want more holes in you than a gopher field.
Oh, look, ma'am, I-I think you made a mistake.
Um, I'm Major Anthony Nelson and this is Major Roger Healey.
Eh, we're from Cocoa Beach.
Uh, uh, NASA.
Uh, we're astronauts.
What's an asternort, Paw? I don't rightly know.
I reckon some special kind of Martian.
This one's kind of cute, Paw.
Can I keep him? You get back here, girl.
You wanna get yourself corn-taminated? You don't think they're gonna shoot us, do you? No, of course not, Roger.
They're just simple country folk, Roger.
They're frightened.
I'll talk to 'em in their own language.
Yeah.
Good.
Uh, now looky here, folks.
There ain't nothing to rightly be feared How do you say "help" in hillbilly? "Help.
" Help! Help! Help! Help! Help! Help! Help! Help! Help! Help! What are you gonna do with them, Paw? Well, I don't rightly know, Daisy Lou.
First thing we gonna do is move 'em over to the house.
Okay, Martians, get moving.
What? What's the second thing you're gonna do? Well, now, that's the part I ain't decided on yet.
I reckon we'll either shoot you or hang you.
Git! Git! [.]
[.]
Master.
Major Healey.
[SINGING IN FOREIGN DIALECT.]
[SINGING IN FOREIGN DIALECT.]
Hello.
Have you seen two astronauts? Aw, yep, uh Paw's got 'em back to the house.
Oh, dear, I hope they aren't having lunch.
I don't reckon they are.
Hey, are you, uh? Are you an asternort too? [LAUGHS.]
Oh, no.
I am a genie.
Oh, I'm right pleased to meet you, Miss Jeannie.
My name's Clem.
How do you do, Mr.
Clem? You're purty.
Quick too.
I would like to see the two astronauts, please.
If'n I let you see 'em, then will you give me a kiss? No, Mr.
Clem, but I will give you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Okay, okay, just put that thing down, will you? PAW: Get in there.
I don't want any nonsense outta you two.
You made your mind up yet, Paw? Yeah, are you gonna hang 'em or shoot 'em? How many times do I tell you? I'm not a Martian.
I-I was brought up in a farm.
I know all about barns, I Hang 'em! [.]
Why are you doing that, Mr.
Clem? You were going to take me to see the two astronauts.
Oh, well, I aim to, uh, Miss Jeannie.
I aim to, you see.
But, um, us mountain folks has, uh, our own special way of doing things, and, uh, well, it wouldn't be fitting for me to take you over to see them fellas without I first showed you some old-fashioned mountain hospitality.
Is that what you were doing with them? Oh, we sure are.
Heh, heh.
Well, all right.
I I do not wish to be impolite.
[PHONOGRAPH PLAYING BANJO MUSIC.]
But But can you show me this hospitality quickly? Miss Jeannie, I aim to be quicker than spit on the griddle.
[CRIES OUT.]
Is this what you call hospitality? Why, sure.
How about a little old-fashioned mountain-style bear hug? [SCREAMS.]
[ROARS.]
Miss Jeannie! Miss Jeannie! Wait a minute.
Now, that's not what I meant.
I meant something entirely different.
There.
Reckon that ought to keep you Martians from trying any more funny stuff.
What can we do to convince you we're not Martians? Could they be telling the truth, Paw? Well, I reckon not, but there ain't no real way of telling.
Say, that gives me an idea.
Do Martians have blood? Of course not, Maw.
Everybody knows Martians ain't got no blood.
And if'n they do, it's green.
Well, then, all we got to do is poke 'em a little with this, and if they bleed red, they ain't Martian.
I'm a Martian, I'm a Martian.
Martian.
Martian.
There, you see, Paw? We got us a corn-fession.
Heh-heh.
Now, all you got to do is decide whether you wanna hang 'em, or Or shoot 'em.
Will you stop ogling him, Daisy Lou? But he's cute, Maw.
I'm gonna give you cute right up alongside your head.
We ain't having no mixed marriages in our family.
I say we should shoot 'em and be done with it.
[.]
I reckon you're right, Maw.
Oh, Paw, don't shoot 'em.
Can't we keep 'em as pets? I bet they'd pull a real good plow.
Daisy Lou, they is strangers.
And strangers mean trouble.
What if somebody was to find out about 'em? They tell the government, the government tell the revenuers, the revenuers come poking around here and find our still.
Your Paw's right, Daisy Lou.
The only thing to do is shoot 'em.
Uh, ma'am, could I speak to you a moment, please? Uh, I-I think I have a solution.
So have we.
Uh, but I think I can convince you that we're not Martians.
Oh, you can? Uh-huh.
Now, if you'll just call Cocoa Beach.
You call NASA at Cocoa Beach.
They'll be able to explain who we are.
Can't do that, son.
And why not? 'Cause we ain't got a telephone.
[ALL LAUGH.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, yeah.
Ain't got a telephone.
Somebody must have a telephone around here.
Isn't there a town nearby? We could go to Hankerville, Paw.
Yeah, reckon we could.
Say, um, uh, what's this fellow, "NASA"? Oh, it's not a fella, sir.
It's the National Aeronautics and Space Agency.
The who? Oh, um, the government.
Paw, you're right.
Revenuers! Wait, put the down the gun.
TONY: Forget it, Roge.
Forget it? They're gonna shoot us! No, no, they just probably don't want the reward.
Maw.
Reward? What reward? Um, the United States government would be very grateful if you captured two Martians.
There would be a big reward.
Right? [.]
Let's go to Hankerville.
We'll send Clem to Hankerville.
Remember: NASA.
Uh, Cocoa Beach.
Ask for Dr.
Bellows! Oh, don't ask for Dr.
Bellows.
Forget Forget Dr.
Bellows.
I sure don't know how you done this, Miss Jeannie, but I'd sure appreciate it if'n you'd let me down.
Well, I would be happy to, Mr.
Clem.
But first you must promise not to chase me anymore.
Oh, I will.
I do.
I surely do.
And then you must promise to take me to see the two astronauts.
I will, I will.
Just as soon as you let me down from here.
Very well.
[.]
[SHRIEKS.]
Mr.
Clem, you promised.
I know I did, Miss Jeannie, but I'm a terrible liar.
Paw whups me for it all the time.
I just can't help it.
I just keep on lying.
Ah-haw! What? Clem, you get down from there.
Well, I don't rightly know how, Maw.
She done it to me.
PAW: I might have noticed.
Another Martian, but female.
I would like to see the two astronauts, please.
You watch out for her, Paw.
She's got powers.
Uh, well, why Why surely, ma'am.
Uh, you just follow me.
Oh.
Um Could you get him down from there? 'Cause he's gonna go to Hankerville.
JEANNIE: Very well.
[GIGGLES.]
You tell him what to do, Maw.
Now, uh, ma'am, them other two Martians is out in the barn, so right this way.
Hey, that was a great idea about the reward.
I wonder how far it is from here to Hankerville? I don't know, but here they come.
[.]
Oh, master, what have they done to you? Would you please just blink us outta here.
Oh, yes, master.
At once.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
Hey, that's real neat.
Sure saves us the trouble.
Heh.
Clem's on his way, Paw.
Say, you done her pretty good, Paw.
I've been thinkin'.
Them rewards you get for capturing people.
They say "dead or alive," don't they? They sure do.
Uh-huh.
[.]
[.]
Yes.
Yes, well, thank you, colonel.
Nothing yet on Major Nelson and Major Healey, sir.
They were supposed to land and then confirm once they were airborne again.
It's, uh, been three hours.
Well, the radar lost them as soon as they started down.
They could be anywhere within a radius of 200 miles.
Well, according to [PHONE BUZZES.]
Oh, I'll get it.
Dr.
Bellows speaking.
Uh, yes.
Just a moment.
For you, sir.
General Peterson.
Yes.
Henderson, I haven't got time to fool around any kind of nonsense like that.
I've an experimental ship with two astronauts down, and Yes.
Yes, I know.
All right.
I'll send somebody up there.
Major Nelson, Major Healey? Martians.
I beg your pardon? All those blasted UFO sightings.
Every time some darn fool sees a sunspot or a balloon, they think we're being invaded.
[SNAPS FINGERS.]
Perhaps Jet Plate 1.
It looks like a flying saucer.
That thought crossed my mind.
However, this time the report says the Martians have been captured.
Three of 'em.
One a female.
Well, that crosses out Major Nelson and Major Healey.
Nevertheless, space headquarters wants the invaders questioned and investigated.
Now, would you mind hopping up there, Dr.
Bellows? [.]
Yes, sir.
Jeannie, would you wake up? Would you please wake up? Oh! Uh-oh.
You woke up the wrong girl.
Shoot.
Hi.
Hey, Martian.
How come you don't cotton to me? I sure cotton to you.
You hear that? She cottons to me.
What a time to be irresistible.
Roger, control yourself, will ya? Just control yourself.
I know how unbearably beautiful you find her, but remember, you're a Martian.
She's She's an earthling.
It won't work.
What are you talking about? I know, I know, I know.
The heartbreak, the pain.
The heartbreak and pain is hanging from this hook Roger! You see, miss, us Martians, we don't show our feelings like most folks do.
But Roger here, well, he's just He's just plumb crazy about you.
Oh, he is? Sure he is.
Ain't you, Roge? Ain't you? Oh, yeah.
Oh, me? Boy.
Oh, I'm plumb crazy about you, ma'am.
Right.
Oh, yeah.
Here's what he'd really like to be doing with you now: Is holding you in his arms and crushing you and tell you how beautiful you are.
Yeah, I'd like to hold you and crush you and beautiful Yeah.
The thing is, you with that gun down there and us hanging up here, well, c'est la vie.
What's that mean? In Martian that means he loves you.
Yeah.
Oh.
Well, c'est la vie.
C'est la vie.
C'est la doggone vie.
Oh, yeah.
Mmm.
Oh! [MUFFLED MOANING.]
Wake up.
Wake up.
Would you just please wake up, Jeannie.
[GRUNTS.]
Jeannie, please wake up.
Please, come one.
Come on, baby.
Okay, put her down over here.
Over here.
[GROANS.]
Water.
I think she's coming to.
Water.
Jeannie, if you just wake up you could blink yourself Lake Michigan.
There's a bucket over here.
Oh! It's got water in it.
Water.
There you go.
[.]
[MOONSHINE BUBBLING.]
[WEEPING.]
He said he was plumb crazy for me.
He even said he c'est la vied me.
He didn't.
Yes, and then he [SOBS.]
Aw, hush up, Daisy Lou.
Hush up, will ya? You reckon we gotta revenge her, Maw? I reckon we do, Paw.
If'n we don't, we can't hold up our heads in polite society.
Well, uh, how about the reward? Dead or alive, Paw.
Dead or alive.
Uh-huh.
Come on, gal.
[.]
Come on, Jeannie, we gotta get back to the jet plate.
More.
Come on, that's enough.
Ahem.
Ah, thank you, Master.
[HICCUPS.]
Wait a minute.
[SINGING INDISTINCTLY.]
[GASPS.]
That's moonshine.
Great, just what we need: A stoned genie.
Jeannie.
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
[SINGING INDISTINCTLY.]
[HICCUPS.]
[GIGGLES.]
Oh! Jeannie.
Jeannie.
Tag! Agh! You are it, master.
Catch me, catch me.
Oh, tag.
Yeah.
All right, Jeannie.
Oh, ooh, oh! [GUN COCKS.]
Come on.
Come on, Jeannie! Will you stop that? Do you happen to know what this stuff is? Very good, master.
I am it.
I will catch you.
Good idea.
[CRIES OUT.]
Roger! Roger.
Come on.
Olly, olly oxen free-free-free.
Oh, that is not fair, master [GUNSHOT.]
[YELLS.]
[LAUGHING.]
Jeannie, just one blink to the jet plate.
[GUNSHOT.]
[YELLS.]
Please, just one blink.
[GUNSHOT.]
[YELLS.]
Oh, now we're really up a tree.
If that is your pleasure.
[GIGGLES.]
How's this? Oh, great.
Where'd they go? There they are.
[GUNSHOT.]
[YELLS.]
Now we're really sitting ducks.
Certainly.
[QUACKING.]
Roge, you've got feathers and wings.
So have you.
You wanna fly south for the winter? [GIGGLES.]
[YELLING.]
[GIGGLING.]
Darndest thing I ever seen.
Ah, what'd you expect, Paw? It's just your average, everyday Martian.
Jeannie, blink us to the jet plate right now.
The jet plate, the ship, the airplane, the round thing.
Well, certainly.
Why did you not say so before? I did say so before.
Ah! We're here.
We're safe.
Well, thank you, Jeannie, thank you.
Oh, I've never been so happy to be anyplace in my whole life.
All right.
Let's get outta this nightmare.
Come on.
[GIGGLING.]
Are we not gonna play tag anymore? Oh, what have you done now?! Jeannie, are you all right? Let me check that.
It's all right, Roger, it's just the capacitor.
It'll take a minute to fix.
For the last time, that is not a flying saucer.
It's a jet plate.
An experimental aircraft constructed by the United States Air Force.
BELLOWS: Please, please, will you take me to the astronauts.
It's Dr.
Bellows, all right.
Oh, Jeannie, come on.
We need you.
Wake up.
She must be out for the duration.
Dr.
Bellows must be worried about us.
We'll go out and show him we're okay, and then try to keep those people from thinking we're Martians.
You are Martians.
Yes, master.
[MAGIC BOINGS.]
If they ain't Martians, do we still get a reward? If'n they ain't Martians, Paw, can I marry the cute one? You'll wait till you're 14 like your sister done.
Please, please, just take me to them.
Not till you give us the reward.
My dear sir, I appreciate you informing NASA of the whereabouts of the jet plate, but it seems to me that any public-spirited citizen should be only too willing [GASPS.]
Great heavens.
Martians.
I've gotta get back to I've got to NASA Invaded.
Hey, wait.
Wait a minute.
Hey, mister.
Hey.
Hey, mister.
Wait a minute.
These here are not the same ones.
No, they's different.
[GUNSHOTS.]
Hey, wait a minute.
You can't shoot at Dr.
Bellows.
He's a psychiatrist.
[LAUGHING NERVOUSLY.]
He's right.
We're Martians.
Here, here.
Get 'em, get 'em.
[SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY.]
[.]
General, I don't understand.
This whole base should be on red alert.
The president should have been notified.
Look.
Look at this hat.
Now just calm down, colonel.
Nobody's gonna hurt you.
But, sir, I know it sounds crazy, but it's true: I saw them.
Green Green men with, uh: [STAMMERS.]
Antennae, colonel? That's right, sir, antennae.
They must have taken over the jet plate.
Well, there's the jet plate right now, doctor.
BELLOWS: The gall of them, to come right here to NASA.
[JET PLATE ENGINES WHIRRING.]
Oh, no.
They might have vaporizers.
We'll chance it, doctor.
Go on! You'll see.
You'll see.
Hello.
Hello in Hello in there.
[SPEAKING SLOWLY.]
Uh, we are earthlings.
We like you.
Oh, that's very kind of you, sir.
We like you too.
Well, doctor? [SPEAKING NORMALLY.]
Well, I I tell you, sir, I saw Martians.
They were green with these long antennae.
I saw them.
[.]
[.]