I Dream of Jeannie (1965) s04e02 Episode Script
Jeannie and the Wild Pipchicks
[.]
Thank you.
All right, when I count three, you let it down Uh, take it out.
Yes, master.
One, two Three.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh.
I will get it.
No, no, no.
I'll get it, I'll get it.
Talk about air mail.
I think it's for you.
Oh! It is from my mother.
I think I know what it is.
Uh, Jeannie.
Uh, Jeannie, do me a favor.
Would you ask your mother to go through the normal channels when she mails things? I really don't think my neighbors could understand us getting parcels on On magic carpets.
Yes, master.
Ooh! I was right.
Pipchicks.
Yeah? Pipchicks.
My favorite candy.
[MOANS.]
And no one can make them like my mother does.
Mmm.
Try one, master.
No, thanks.
If your mother made them, I'd really rather not Oh, please, master.
Here, try one.
You'll adore them.
Mmph Well? Well, good.
It's great.
What'd she put in 'em? I do not know.
It is my mother's secret recipe.
She will not tell anyone.
You thank her the next time you see her.
They're really sensational.
I will, master.
I am delighted you like them.
Well, there we are.
[.]
[.]
[.]
[.]
Is that all you're having for lunch? Yeah, I'm not terribly hungry.
Oh, what's the matter, aren't you feeling well? Ha, I never felt better in my life.
I'm just making a note to send Jeannie's mother a little something.
I thought you two hated each other.
How could you hate anybody that makes these? Look.
What are those? Pipchicks.
Oh.
Uh, Roge, I'd rather you didn't eat any.
They have kind of a strange temporary side effect.
[CUTLERY SCRAPES THEN CLATTERS.]
[CUTLERY SCRAPES THEN CLATTERS.]
Then why are you eating it? It's got a fantastic taste.
They're really sensational.
Hello, ah, Major Nelson, Major Healey.
Mind if I join you? Of course not, sir.
You know, uh, about that inside report that we had the other day.
I think we'll have to do some more research.
You see, four pages would do it, if Mmmmm.
Delicious.
Simply delicious.
I've never tasted anything quite like it.
Did you eat one of those, sir? Yes.
Well, where can you buy them? Uh, well, you You can't, sir.
They're They're homemade.
Who made them? Jeannie's mother.
[THUD, CLATTERING.]
Oh.
Sorry, Roge.
Um, I did, sir.
I just kind of whipped 'em up in the kitchen.
Remarkable.
Well, then, uh, you won't mind if I take this other piece.
That one's my last one, sir.
I Oh, come, come, come, major.
You can always whip up another batch.
Oh, uh, have some more coffee Extraordinary.
Absolutely extraordinary.
Extraordinary.
You know, this has got to weigh 300 pounds.
Oh.
I feel absolutely marvelous.
Major, I don't know what's in this, but whatever it is, I'm going to take it to the lab to have it analyzed.
They're not making cafeterias like they used to.
You're right, Roge.
There's nothing wrong with making candy.
I don't have anything to worry about.
Nothing Major Nelson, do you know what you've done? If it's what you found in the pipchicks, sir, I can explain about it.
I don't The Dietician Section has finished the analysis of your candy.
Colonel Finch is on the way over now with the results.
Well, I'd better be running along.
I can explain that.
I know exactly Don't any of you come to attention when a superior officer enters the room? I'm sorry, colonel.
I didn't, uh, see you.
And are you nearsighted too, Dr.
Bellows? I beg your pardon? Dr.
Bellows.
I believe I became a full colonel four days before you, so I outrank you.
Attention.
That's the trouble with you men.
You can't get used to women in positions of authority.
All right, at ease.
Nelson.
Ma'am.
Come here.
Pick me up.
I didn't catch that, ma'am.
I said, pick me up.
Pick you up? [WHEEZING.]
Sorry, ma'am.
Mm.
When was the last time you had a piece of your candy? This morning, colonel.
That explains it.
The initial effects wear off immediately.
It certainly does.
Ha-ha-ha! Healey.
Yes, sir.
Come here.
Yes, sir.
Yes, colonel.
What? What is here, Colonel? Put your hands over your head.
Yes, sir.
Now watch this.
Whoa.
BELLOWS: Extraordinary.
[.]
See, very simple.
There's nothing to it.
Well, I I better be getting back to my office.
Excuse me.
Absolutely extraordinary.
I took a bite of the candy just before I came in here.
Nelson, do you realize what you've done? I've created a monster.
You have single-handedly solved the space capsule food problem.
You mean that Major Nelson's homemade candy could be used in space flights? Oh, well, I don't think it'd work, sir.
What I mean is, it was an accident.
What is the recipe? Oh, well, there's no recipe.
No, well, you know how us old-fashioned cooks work.
A pinch of this, a handful of that.
Do you mean it's not written down? No, sir.
Well, that's what I'm trying to tell you.
I I'd never be able to do it again.
That's where you're wrong, Nelson.
You're going to do it again, and you're going to write it down.
Do you read me? Yes, ma'am.
Doctor, I want this man transferred to the Dietician Section immediately.
And he'll remain there until these These, um Eh, what do you call them, major? Pipchicks.
Until these pipchicks have been duplicated exactly.
Well, ma'am, I can't do that.
I'm preparing for a mission.
Nelson.
This is much more important.
Why, this has worldwide implications.
You don't seem to realize what a breakthrough this is.
The Army may march on its stomach, major, but from now on, the Air Force will fly with pipchicks.
[.]
But, Mama, I must have the recipe.
It's for him, isn't it? My poor baby.
My poor darling Jeannie, always in trouble.
Always in trouble.
That bum.
Spending his time up in space.
What kind of a living is that for a grown man? Mama.
Aha-ha! I knew it.
I knew it.
Oh, my poor darling.
[SIGHS.]
If you could just give me the recipe? Eh.
Who uses a recipe? A pinch of this, a handful of that.
I All right.
All right.
It is for him, isn't it? Yes, Mama, and he needs it desperately.
Hmmm.
And I'm going to give it to him.
[.]
That's the recipe? Yes, sir.
Yeah.
I It's very complicated, sir.
And there's no guarantee that the pipchicks will come out the same way.
It doesn't matter, major.
NASA has given this project the highest priority.
The resources of the entire base are at your disposal.
"Three heskils of dates"? So, what's a heskil, major? Four truckloads.
Four truckloads? Why, major, are you planning to make enough pipchicks to feed the entire population of India? Oh, no, sir.
You see, this recipe only makes about two dozen.
Sir, I I'd appreciate it if you had a little talk to Colonel Finch about having me relieved from this assignment.
I'm sorry, major.
You know how important the space capsule food program is.
Yeah.
"Three hipsibahs of oranges"? Half an acre.
Half an acre? Why, that's impossible, major.
Well, I know that, sir.
That's why I'd like you to talk with Colonel Finch.
Well, I certainly will.
I never heard of anything so ridiculous in my life.
A half an acre.
I'll have you relieved immediately.
Were you looking for me, doctor? Yes.
As a matter of fact, I was, colonel.
Major Nelson was just showing me the recipe for the pipchicks.
A half an acre of oranges, and I And? And he'll report to the kitchen immediately.
Good.
[.]
Thanks for getting me assigned as your assistant.
There's nothing I'd rather do more than pit dates.
Well, men? Roger How are we doing? Well, I've never had so many dates in my life.
Ha-ha-ha! Well, ahem, that's the last one we needed.
What do we do with these now? Throw 'em away.
We use the pits.
We can use the pits? [GRUNTS.]
[PANTING.]
I can't keep this up much longer.
My back is breaking.
Oh, don't worry.
I'll relieve you in another five minutes.
[LAUGHING.]
Oh.
Good evening, master.
How is the? The little old candy maker? Oh, just great.
Your mother can certainly figure out some wild recipes.
[LAUGHING.]
I tell you Oh, boy, I W-what's the matter? Oh, it's my back.
It's breaking.
Oh, let me help you, master.
Oh.
What is that? I don't know, it's not in the recipe.
BELLOWS: Thank you.
Jeannie, get out.
Oh, yes, master, I am going.
You forgot the burro.
Jeannie? A burro.
What's that burro doing in here? Well, sir, the recipe called for a burro to, uh, stir this mess, so naturally, I got a burro.
This laboratory is supposed to be completely sterile and antiseptic.
Now you get this beast outta here.
I can't get him outta here, sir.
What seems to be the problem, major? Oh, a donkey.
Oh, I I-I'm sorry about this, colonel, but, um, uh, Major Nelson insists that the pipchick mixture be stirred by this burro.
I just insisted that they get rid of it.
Negative.
If Nelson says it's to be stirred by a burro, it's to be stirred by a burro.
Look, I, uh, oh, uh, eh, yes.
Uh Ooh.
I'd prefer we test it on something else.
May [PHONE RINGS.]
Oh, excuse me.
Yes? Oh, hello, Amanda.
What? Oh, don't be ridiculous.
Uh The cat fell in the what? Please, eh, sir, I'd rather we test it on a dog, or Well, I don't care what kind of detergent you're using.
No, no, no.
Cats don't shrink.
They only look shrunk when they're wet.
Sir, couldn't we test it on something? Major, will you stop this? This is embarrassing and personal.
I know, but I I'll eat the pipchicks when I'm ready, in my own good time.
Now would you mind leaving, please? Yes, of course.
What? No.
[CHUCKLING.]
No, no, no.
Colonel Finch? Ah, colonel, I've just delivered the pipchicks to Dr.
Bellows.
Colonel? FINCH: Tony.
You can call me Abigail.
[.]
Are? A-are you? Are you feeling all right? Never felt better.
Boo-boo-pee-doo [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.]
You You You ate one of the pipchicks, right? Nectar and ambrosia.
Oh.
Let's you and I tango the night away, baby.
Oh, I think maybe you ought to lie down.
Don't wanna lie down.
Wanna dance, wanna sing, wanna live.
Colonel, remember, you're a colonel.
Look, why don't you lie down, and I'll go get.
Dr.
Bellows, huh? Can't catch me.
I'm a butterfly.
Now Now wait a minute, please.
Would you just control yourself, please? Kiss me, major.
That's a butterfly giving you an order.
[STAMMERING.]
Kiss me.
Tony.
Look, about this candy report I did Oh, excuse me.
I didn't mean to butt in.
Roger, will you come back here? It's Colonel Finch.
Col Tony, you shouldn't be doing that.
She outranks you.
Oh, so nice.
I'm sorry.
Please.
Give me those lips.
Please, take it easy.
My back.
Give me those lips.
Kiss me.
Yeah.
Tony.
She also outweighs me.
Would you give me a hand? Miss? Thank you, ma'am.
That's right.
That's right, men.
Dominate me! I've always wanted to be dominated! Oh, what happened to her? She What happened to her? She ate one of pipchicks, that's what happened to her.
She had some kind of a wild reaction.
Now you hang onto her.
I'll get Dr.
Bellows.
Excuse me, ma Dr.
Bellows.
I gave Dr.
Bellows a pipchick.
I gave Dr.
Bellows a pipchick! No! Major.
Oh.
Major, I never realized what beautiful blue butterfly eyes you have.
Major.
Major.
Major.
Please.
We're both officers.
Oh.
Hi.
BELLOWS: Way, hey Blow the man down Ahoy, there.
Come aboard, major.
Ha-ha-ha.
Come outta the water.
I beg your pardon? The water.
Oh! Did you eat the pipchicks, sir? I certainly did.
Salt air gives you a marvelous appetite.
Ready to come about.
Come aboard.
Look out for the boom, major.
The what, sir? The boom! Oh.
Oh, right, right.
Ah, sir, I I really think you ought to come with me.
Come with you? What for? I'm finally doing something I've always wanted to do.
Sailing a whaler to Alaska.
Mmm.
Looks like a sou'easter's blowing up outta the nor'west.
Ah, you gotta watch out for them sou'easters.
Perhaps we ought to go below and put on our foul-weather gear, sir.
Too late for that.
Lower the lifeboat.
[LAUGHING.]
The what? The lifeboats, the lifeboats.
Oh.
[SINGING INDISTINCTLY.]
A-roving, a-roving Since roving's been My ruin I'll never go a-roving With you, fair maid A-roving, a-roving Since roving's been My ruin I'll never go a-roving With you, fair maid Welcome aboard, commodore.
[WHISTLES.]
Ahoy, there! When I was [SINGING CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY.]
Listen, I found out what these pipchicks do to you.
They release your inhibitions.
They They turn you on to whatever you are really deep down inside.
Look at Look at Colonel Finch, she wants to be a butterfly.
That's what she is.
She's a butterfly.
A-and Dr.
Bellows.
He wants to be a sailor hunting whales.
You understand? You're sloppy, soldier.
The one thing I can't stand is a sloppy soldier.
You should read the Air Force manual more often.
Roger, did you eat one of those pipchicks? Positive.
Proper diet is crucial to an officer's efficiency.
Regulation 94R21.
Are there any more of those things left? You didn't eat all of them, did you? You didn't eat all of these, did you? Negative.
Sent to General Peterson's office for dispersal.
All superior officers should be informed on completions of new projects.
Regulation 94-21.
[METALLIC CLATTERING.]
You sent 'em to General Peterson? You sent 'em to General Peterson?! Jeannie.
Jeannie.
No, that's too slow.
Jeannie.
Jeannie.
Jeannie.
Argh! I am here, master.
Are your pipchicks finished? Are they finished? I'm finished.
Look.
No dancing.
[BELLOWS SINGING.]
The regulations book says no dancing.
Oh, dear.
Yeah.
What went wrong? I'll tell you what went wrong.
Your mother, that's what She did this deliberately.
W-would you please blink them outta that? Oh, of course, master.
Heh-heh.
[MAGIC BOINGS.]
Well, go ahead.
[BELLOWS SINGING INDISTINCTLY.]
Salute.
Always salute when rowing.
ROGER: Sir, you're out of uniform.
I said Oh, dear.
"Oh, dear"? Listen.
You go back to your mother and you ask her what this is all about.
You find out what this is, and you get an antidote.
I've gotta go to General Peterson before this whole base goes berserk.
Yes, master.
Yeah.
And furthermore, you tell your mother Oh.
You mean, you ate one of those things and nothing happened? Why, of course not, except I never felt better in my life.
Why, you've done a marvelous job, major.
Oh.
Thank you, sir.
Thank you.
Uh, what'd you do with the rest of them? I sent a dozen to Washington, the president, the vice president.
The joint chiefs of staff would be most interested.
How did you send them, sir? By the regular NASA mailbox.
What's the matter with you? You look as if you're about to collapse.
Sir, those pipchicks have a very strange side effect.
People's inner personality come to the surface.
Well, that ridiculous.
They haven't done anything to me.
I have Colonel Bellows, Colonel Finch and Roger Healey locked up in the laboratory right now.
If the inner personalities of the people in Washington come to the surface Good heavens.
Get to the NASA mailbox, major.
I'll try to stop it from here.
Right, sir.
I-I'm glad to see they didn't have any effect on you.
I'm all right.
Good, good.
Oh, hi.
Tony.
PETERSON: Charge! Indians.
Indians all over the place.
We gotta protect the fort.
That way, paleface.
Oh.
Charge! Get those Indians.
General, general.
Here, this way, sir.
Sitting Bull, I'm gonna get you for what you did to Custer.
A-roving, a-roving General, this way, sir.
Sitting Bull's right in there, sir.
[SCREAMS.]
[BUGLE CALL PLAYS.]
Mailbox.
Mailbox.
[WHIMPERING.]
Oh! Hello, master.
What has happened? Oh, nothing much, Jeannie.
Let's see: Uh, Colonel Finch is a butterfly, Colonel Bellows is out hunting Moby Dick, General Peterson is trying to revenge Custer, and our swinger friend Roger is Captain Bligh.
How's your mother? Oh, she's just fine.
Thank you, master.
Heh, heh.
Right, yeah.
But I am afraid she gave you the wrong recipe.
No kidding, yeah.
Listen, there's a parcel of pipchicks on its way to the Pentagon.
Pick it out of there.
Oh, that is easy, master.
No, not here, not here.
Well.
Hi.
Jeannie? Jeannie.
Look, there's no time to play games.
Where are you, anyhow? I am here, master.
In the mailbox.
[GROANS.]
Look, find the package.
Get the package.
The parcel.
Yes, master.
Oh! No, no.
Not Not letters.
Not letters.
The package.
The parcel.
Yes, master.
I am looking.
I am looking.
You will have to take some of these, master.
I cannot see what I am doing.
[GRUNTS.]
Oh.
Here it is, master.
Oh, it is all smashed.
Well, blink it out.
Oh, I could not do that, master.
After all, it is Mama's magic.
All right, well, then hand 'em up one at a time.
Oh, master.
I told Mama you were the most intelligent astronaut of the whole group.
She did not believe me, but I will convince her some day.
Jeannie, will you? Oh, yes, master.
Right away, right away.
Look, uh, I haven't got all day.
Will you hurry it up, please? Hi.
How are you? No Yes, as a matter of fact.
You know, I've always admired you mailmen.
Through sleet and snow, hail and rain, the mail must meet its appointed rounds.
And there Excuse me, I'm a little late.
Relax, take it easy.
You're in the service, I'm in the service.
Maybe we chew the fat, learn how each other operates.
Major, you're interfering with U.
S.
mails.
[LAUGHS.]
Of course not.
I use the U.
S.
mails all the time, watch.
I'll show you how easy it is.
JEANNIE: Master.
There someone in there? [LAUGHING.]
No, of course not.
You can't go around mailing people.
Oh, sorry.
Jeannie, will you hurry it up? Will? Oh.
[.]
[COUGHING.]
Major.
Are you all right, major? Major? [HOARSELY.]
I'm all right.
Thanks.
Thanks.
What's going on here? [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Let us out.
Let us out.
Somebody unlock the door.
I still don't know what I'm doing in here.
I don't even know how we got here in the first place.
We We must have been attacked.
I can't think of any other reason I'd be out of uniform.
Last thing I remember, Major Nelson came into my office.
Of course.
Major Nelson.
He'd have an explanation, sir.
He always does.
[ALL SCREAMING.]
Don't anybody panic.
Major Nelson.
Don't anybody panic.
Ladder Company Number 69 to the rescue.
[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY.]
[.]
[.]
Thank you.
All right, when I count three, you let it down Uh, take it out.
Yes, master.
One, two Three.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh.
I will get it.
No, no, no.
I'll get it, I'll get it.
Talk about air mail.
I think it's for you.
Oh! It is from my mother.
I think I know what it is.
Uh, Jeannie.
Uh, Jeannie, do me a favor.
Would you ask your mother to go through the normal channels when she mails things? I really don't think my neighbors could understand us getting parcels on On magic carpets.
Yes, master.
Ooh! I was right.
Pipchicks.
Yeah? Pipchicks.
My favorite candy.
[MOANS.]
And no one can make them like my mother does.
Mmm.
Try one, master.
No, thanks.
If your mother made them, I'd really rather not Oh, please, master.
Here, try one.
You'll adore them.
Mmph Well? Well, good.
It's great.
What'd she put in 'em? I do not know.
It is my mother's secret recipe.
She will not tell anyone.
You thank her the next time you see her.
They're really sensational.
I will, master.
I am delighted you like them.
Well, there we are.
[.]
[.]
[.]
[.]
Is that all you're having for lunch? Yeah, I'm not terribly hungry.
Oh, what's the matter, aren't you feeling well? Ha, I never felt better in my life.
I'm just making a note to send Jeannie's mother a little something.
I thought you two hated each other.
How could you hate anybody that makes these? Look.
What are those? Pipchicks.
Oh.
Uh, Roge, I'd rather you didn't eat any.
They have kind of a strange temporary side effect.
[CUTLERY SCRAPES THEN CLATTERS.]
[CUTLERY SCRAPES THEN CLATTERS.]
Then why are you eating it? It's got a fantastic taste.
They're really sensational.
Hello, ah, Major Nelson, Major Healey.
Mind if I join you? Of course not, sir.
You know, uh, about that inside report that we had the other day.
I think we'll have to do some more research.
You see, four pages would do it, if Mmmmm.
Delicious.
Simply delicious.
I've never tasted anything quite like it.
Did you eat one of those, sir? Yes.
Well, where can you buy them? Uh, well, you You can't, sir.
They're They're homemade.
Who made them? Jeannie's mother.
[THUD, CLATTERING.]
Oh.
Sorry, Roge.
Um, I did, sir.
I just kind of whipped 'em up in the kitchen.
Remarkable.
Well, then, uh, you won't mind if I take this other piece.
That one's my last one, sir.
I Oh, come, come, come, major.
You can always whip up another batch.
Oh, uh, have some more coffee Extraordinary.
Absolutely extraordinary.
Extraordinary.
You know, this has got to weigh 300 pounds.
Oh.
I feel absolutely marvelous.
Major, I don't know what's in this, but whatever it is, I'm going to take it to the lab to have it analyzed.
They're not making cafeterias like they used to.
You're right, Roge.
There's nothing wrong with making candy.
I don't have anything to worry about.
Nothing Major Nelson, do you know what you've done? If it's what you found in the pipchicks, sir, I can explain about it.
I don't The Dietician Section has finished the analysis of your candy.
Colonel Finch is on the way over now with the results.
Well, I'd better be running along.
I can explain that.
I know exactly Don't any of you come to attention when a superior officer enters the room? I'm sorry, colonel.
I didn't, uh, see you.
And are you nearsighted too, Dr.
Bellows? I beg your pardon? Dr.
Bellows.
I believe I became a full colonel four days before you, so I outrank you.
Attention.
That's the trouble with you men.
You can't get used to women in positions of authority.
All right, at ease.
Nelson.
Ma'am.
Come here.
Pick me up.
I didn't catch that, ma'am.
I said, pick me up.
Pick you up? [WHEEZING.]
Sorry, ma'am.
Mm.
When was the last time you had a piece of your candy? This morning, colonel.
That explains it.
The initial effects wear off immediately.
It certainly does.
Ha-ha-ha! Healey.
Yes, sir.
Come here.
Yes, sir.
Yes, colonel.
What? What is here, Colonel? Put your hands over your head.
Yes, sir.
Now watch this.
Whoa.
BELLOWS: Extraordinary.
[.]
See, very simple.
There's nothing to it.
Well, I I better be getting back to my office.
Excuse me.
Absolutely extraordinary.
I took a bite of the candy just before I came in here.
Nelson, do you realize what you've done? I've created a monster.
You have single-handedly solved the space capsule food problem.
You mean that Major Nelson's homemade candy could be used in space flights? Oh, well, I don't think it'd work, sir.
What I mean is, it was an accident.
What is the recipe? Oh, well, there's no recipe.
No, well, you know how us old-fashioned cooks work.
A pinch of this, a handful of that.
Do you mean it's not written down? No, sir.
Well, that's what I'm trying to tell you.
I I'd never be able to do it again.
That's where you're wrong, Nelson.
You're going to do it again, and you're going to write it down.
Do you read me? Yes, ma'am.
Doctor, I want this man transferred to the Dietician Section immediately.
And he'll remain there until these These, um Eh, what do you call them, major? Pipchicks.
Until these pipchicks have been duplicated exactly.
Well, ma'am, I can't do that.
I'm preparing for a mission.
Nelson.
This is much more important.
Why, this has worldwide implications.
You don't seem to realize what a breakthrough this is.
The Army may march on its stomach, major, but from now on, the Air Force will fly with pipchicks.
[.]
But, Mama, I must have the recipe.
It's for him, isn't it? My poor baby.
My poor darling Jeannie, always in trouble.
Always in trouble.
That bum.
Spending his time up in space.
What kind of a living is that for a grown man? Mama.
Aha-ha! I knew it.
I knew it.
Oh, my poor darling.
[SIGHS.]
If you could just give me the recipe? Eh.
Who uses a recipe? A pinch of this, a handful of that.
I All right.
All right.
It is for him, isn't it? Yes, Mama, and he needs it desperately.
Hmmm.
And I'm going to give it to him.
[.]
That's the recipe? Yes, sir.
Yeah.
I It's very complicated, sir.
And there's no guarantee that the pipchicks will come out the same way.
It doesn't matter, major.
NASA has given this project the highest priority.
The resources of the entire base are at your disposal.
"Three heskils of dates"? So, what's a heskil, major? Four truckloads.
Four truckloads? Why, major, are you planning to make enough pipchicks to feed the entire population of India? Oh, no, sir.
You see, this recipe only makes about two dozen.
Sir, I I'd appreciate it if you had a little talk to Colonel Finch about having me relieved from this assignment.
I'm sorry, major.
You know how important the space capsule food program is.
Yeah.
"Three hipsibahs of oranges"? Half an acre.
Half an acre? Why, that's impossible, major.
Well, I know that, sir.
That's why I'd like you to talk with Colonel Finch.
Well, I certainly will.
I never heard of anything so ridiculous in my life.
A half an acre.
I'll have you relieved immediately.
Were you looking for me, doctor? Yes.
As a matter of fact, I was, colonel.
Major Nelson was just showing me the recipe for the pipchicks.
A half an acre of oranges, and I And? And he'll report to the kitchen immediately.
Good.
[.]
Thanks for getting me assigned as your assistant.
There's nothing I'd rather do more than pit dates.
Well, men? Roger How are we doing? Well, I've never had so many dates in my life.
Ha-ha-ha! Well, ahem, that's the last one we needed.
What do we do with these now? Throw 'em away.
We use the pits.
We can use the pits? [GRUNTS.]
[PANTING.]
I can't keep this up much longer.
My back is breaking.
Oh, don't worry.
I'll relieve you in another five minutes.
[LAUGHING.]
Oh.
Good evening, master.
How is the? The little old candy maker? Oh, just great.
Your mother can certainly figure out some wild recipes.
[LAUGHING.]
I tell you Oh, boy, I W-what's the matter? Oh, it's my back.
It's breaking.
Oh, let me help you, master.
Oh.
What is that? I don't know, it's not in the recipe.
BELLOWS: Thank you.
Jeannie, get out.
Oh, yes, master, I am going.
You forgot the burro.
Jeannie? A burro.
What's that burro doing in here? Well, sir, the recipe called for a burro to, uh, stir this mess, so naturally, I got a burro.
This laboratory is supposed to be completely sterile and antiseptic.
Now you get this beast outta here.
I can't get him outta here, sir.
What seems to be the problem, major? Oh, a donkey.
Oh, I I-I'm sorry about this, colonel, but, um, uh, Major Nelson insists that the pipchick mixture be stirred by this burro.
I just insisted that they get rid of it.
Negative.
If Nelson says it's to be stirred by a burro, it's to be stirred by a burro.
Look, I, uh, oh, uh, eh, yes.
Uh Ooh.
I'd prefer we test it on something else.
May [PHONE RINGS.]
Oh, excuse me.
Yes? Oh, hello, Amanda.
What? Oh, don't be ridiculous.
Uh The cat fell in the what? Please, eh, sir, I'd rather we test it on a dog, or Well, I don't care what kind of detergent you're using.
No, no, no.
Cats don't shrink.
They only look shrunk when they're wet.
Sir, couldn't we test it on something? Major, will you stop this? This is embarrassing and personal.
I know, but I I'll eat the pipchicks when I'm ready, in my own good time.
Now would you mind leaving, please? Yes, of course.
What? No.
[CHUCKLING.]
No, no, no.
Colonel Finch? Ah, colonel, I've just delivered the pipchicks to Dr.
Bellows.
Colonel? FINCH: Tony.
You can call me Abigail.
[.]
Are? A-are you? Are you feeling all right? Never felt better.
Boo-boo-pee-doo [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.]
You You You ate one of the pipchicks, right? Nectar and ambrosia.
Oh.
Let's you and I tango the night away, baby.
Oh, I think maybe you ought to lie down.
Don't wanna lie down.
Wanna dance, wanna sing, wanna live.
Colonel, remember, you're a colonel.
Look, why don't you lie down, and I'll go get.
Dr.
Bellows, huh? Can't catch me.
I'm a butterfly.
Now Now wait a minute, please.
Would you just control yourself, please? Kiss me, major.
That's a butterfly giving you an order.
[STAMMERING.]
Kiss me.
Tony.
Look, about this candy report I did Oh, excuse me.
I didn't mean to butt in.
Roger, will you come back here? It's Colonel Finch.
Col Tony, you shouldn't be doing that.
She outranks you.
Oh, so nice.
I'm sorry.
Please.
Give me those lips.
Please, take it easy.
My back.
Give me those lips.
Kiss me.
Yeah.
Tony.
She also outweighs me.
Would you give me a hand? Miss? Thank you, ma'am.
That's right.
That's right, men.
Dominate me! I've always wanted to be dominated! Oh, what happened to her? She What happened to her? She ate one of pipchicks, that's what happened to her.
She had some kind of a wild reaction.
Now you hang onto her.
I'll get Dr.
Bellows.
Excuse me, ma Dr.
Bellows.
I gave Dr.
Bellows a pipchick.
I gave Dr.
Bellows a pipchick! No! Major.
Oh.
Major, I never realized what beautiful blue butterfly eyes you have.
Major.
Major.
Major.
Please.
We're both officers.
Oh.
Hi.
BELLOWS: Way, hey Blow the man down Ahoy, there.
Come aboard, major.
Ha-ha-ha.
Come outta the water.
I beg your pardon? The water.
Oh! Did you eat the pipchicks, sir? I certainly did.
Salt air gives you a marvelous appetite.
Ready to come about.
Come aboard.
Look out for the boom, major.
The what, sir? The boom! Oh.
Oh, right, right.
Ah, sir, I I really think you ought to come with me.
Come with you? What for? I'm finally doing something I've always wanted to do.
Sailing a whaler to Alaska.
Mmm.
Looks like a sou'easter's blowing up outta the nor'west.
Ah, you gotta watch out for them sou'easters.
Perhaps we ought to go below and put on our foul-weather gear, sir.
Too late for that.
Lower the lifeboat.
[LAUGHING.]
The what? The lifeboats, the lifeboats.
Oh.
[SINGING INDISTINCTLY.]
A-roving, a-roving Since roving's been My ruin I'll never go a-roving With you, fair maid A-roving, a-roving Since roving's been My ruin I'll never go a-roving With you, fair maid Welcome aboard, commodore.
[WHISTLES.]
Ahoy, there! When I was [SINGING CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY.]
Listen, I found out what these pipchicks do to you.
They release your inhibitions.
They They turn you on to whatever you are really deep down inside.
Look at Look at Colonel Finch, she wants to be a butterfly.
That's what she is.
She's a butterfly.
A-and Dr.
Bellows.
He wants to be a sailor hunting whales.
You understand? You're sloppy, soldier.
The one thing I can't stand is a sloppy soldier.
You should read the Air Force manual more often.
Roger, did you eat one of those pipchicks? Positive.
Proper diet is crucial to an officer's efficiency.
Regulation 94R21.
Are there any more of those things left? You didn't eat all of them, did you? You didn't eat all of these, did you? Negative.
Sent to General Peterson's office for dispersal.
All superior officers should be informed on completions of new projects.
Regulation 94-21.
[METALLIC CLATTERING.]
You sent 'em to General Peterson? You sent 'em to General Peterson?! Jeannie.
Jeannie.
No, that's too slow.
Jeannie.
Jeannie.
Jeannie.
Argh! I am here, master.
Are your pipchicks finished? Are they finished? I'm finished.
Look.
No dancing.
[BELLOWS SINGING.]
The regulations book says no dancing.
Oh, dear.
Yeah.
What went wrong? I'll tell you what went wrong.
Your mother, that's what She did this deliberately.
W-would you please blink them outta that? Oh, of course, master.
Heh-heh.
[MAGIC BOINGS.]
Well, go ahead.
[BELLOWS SINGING INDISTINCTLY.]
Salute.
Always salute when rowing.
ROGER: Sir, you're out of uniform.
I said Oh, dear.
"Oh, dear"? Listen.
You go back to your mother and you ask her what this is all about.
You find out what this is, and you get an antidote.
I've gotta go to General Peterson before this whole base goes berserk.
Yes, master.
Yeah.
And furthermore, you tell your mother Oh.
You mean, you ate one of those things and nothing happened? Why, of course not, except I never felt better in my life.
Why, you've done a marvelous job, major.
Oh.
Thank you, sir.
Thank you.
Uh, what'd you do with the rest of them? I sent a dozen to Washington, the president, the vice president.
The joint chiefs of staff would be most interested.
How did you send them, sir? By the regular NASA mailbox.
What's the matter with you? You look as if you're about to collapse.
Sir, those pipchicks have a very strange side effect.
People's inner personality come to the surface.
Well, that ridiculous.
They haven't done anything to me.
I have Colonel Bellows, Colonel Finch and Roger Healey locked up in the laboratory right now.
If the inner personalities of the people in Washington come to the surface Good heavens.
Get to the NASA mailbox, major.
I'll try to stop it from here.
Right, sir.
I-I'm glad to see they didn't have any effect on you.
I'm all right.
Good, good.
Oh, hi.
Tony.
PETERSON: Charge! Indians.
Indians all over the place.
We gotta protect the fort.
That way, paleface.
Oh.
Charge! Get those Indians.
General, general.
Here, this way, sir.
Sitting Bull, I'm gonna get you for what you did to Custer.
A-roving, a-roving General, this way, sir.
Sitting Bull's right in there, sir.
[SCREAMS.]
[BUGLE CALL PLAYS.]
Mailbox.
Mailbox.
[WHIMPERING.]
Oh! Hello, master.
What has happened? Oh, nothing much, Jeannie.
Let's see: Uh, Colonel Finch is a butterfly, Colonel Bellows is out hunting Moby Dick, General Peterson is trying to revenge Custer, and our swinger friend Roger is Captain Bligh.
How's your mother? Oh, she's just fine.
Thank you, master.
Heh, heh.
Right, yeah.
But I am afraid she gave you the wrong recipe.
No kidding, yeah.
Listen, there's a parcel of pipchicks on its way to the Pentagon.
Pick it out of there.
Oh, that is easy, master.
No, not here, not here.
Well.
Hi.
Jeannie? Jeannie.
Look, there's no time to play games.
Where are you, anyhow? I am here, master.
In the mailbox.
[GROANS.]
Look, find the package.
Get the package.
The parcel.
Yes, master.
Oh! No, no.
Not Not letters.
Not letters.
The package.
The parcel.
Yes, master.
I am looking.
I am looking.
You will have to take some of these, master.
I cannot see what I am doing.
[GRUNTS.]
Oh.
Here it is, master.
Oh, it is all smashed.
Well, blink it out.
Oh, I could not do that, master.
After all, it is Mama's magic.
All right, well, then hand 'em up one at a time.
Oh, master.
I told Mama you were the most intelligent astronaut of the whole group.
She did not believe me, but I will convince her some day.
Jeannie, will you? Oh, yes, master.
Right away, right away.
Look, uh, I haven't got all day.
Will you hurry it up, please? Hi.
How are you? No Yes, as a matter of fact.
You know, I've always admired you mailmen.
Through sleet and snow, hail and rain, the mail must meet its appointed rounds.
And there Excuse me, I'm a little late.
Relax, take it easy.
You're in the service, I'm in the service.
Maybe we chew the fat, learn how each other operates.
Major, you're interfering with U.
S.
mails.
[LAUGHS.]
Of course not.
I use the U.
S.
mails all the time, watch.
I'll show you how easy it is.
JEANNIE: Master.
There someone in there? [LAUGHING.]
No, of course not.
You can't go around mailing people.
Oh, sorry.
Jeannie, will you hurry it up? Will? Oh.
[.]
[COUGHING.]
Major.
Are you all right, major? Major? [HOARSELY.]
I'm all right.
Thanks.
Thanks.
What's going on here? [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Let us out.
Let us out.
Somebody unlock the door.
I still don't know what I'm doing in here.
I don't even know how we got here in the first place.
We We must have been attacked.
I can't think of any other reason I'd be out of uniform.
Last thing I remember, Major Nelson came into my office.
Of course.
Major Nelson.
He'd have an explanation, sir.
He always does.
[ALL SCREAMING.]
Don't anybody panic.
Major Nelson.
Don't anybody panic.
Ladder Company Number 69 to the rescue.
[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY.]
[.]
[.]