I Dream of Jeannie (1965) s04e04 Episode Script
Abdullah
[.]
You sure it's no trouble? No, no.
She'll just blink up another place.
Jeannie? That's funny.
She usually meets me right here.
Maybe she took the day off.
Heh-heh.
Never.
She's a non-union genie.
Jeannie, I'm home.
She's not in her bottle.
Hey, what's this? I don't know.
It wasn't here this morning.
Looks like a laundry basket for swinging laundry.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hey, this is interesting.
What's this? Hey, what's all this? Why don't you get Jeannie a washing machine? She shouldn't have to do all your dishtowels by hand.
No, she never did any dishtowels by hand in her life.
She just blinks and "zap," it's done.
Since she isn't here, would you like to have dinner out tonight? Uh, no, thanks.
I better stick around and wait for Jeannie.
I'll see you in the morning, okay? Okay.
How 'bout that.
[WHISTLING.]
Oh, Tony, would you mind picking me up tomorrow morning? Major Healey.
Shh.
Oh, Jeannie's in the study.
Huh? She's in the study.
I wonder why she didn't answer earlier.
Um, Jeannie.
Roger's going to be home for "Quiet, nursery zone"? Maybe she's growing trees in the study.
I don't think that's what Jeannie has in mind.
Jeannie! [.]
Aaagh! Aagh! [BABY CRYING.]
Master, you woke him.
You were right, Tony.
Different kind of nursery.
[.]
[.]
All right, Jeannie, where'd it come from? Shh.
In the first place, it is not an "it," it is a "he," and his name is Abdullah.
Frankly, he looks like a Bruce to me.
Oh, is he not adorable, master? Here, you hold him.
No, I don't know anything about It is very simple.
Just support his head.
That is correct.
Now walk with him.
Walk with him? Yes.
Is he not cute? He likes you.
Yeah, well, let's not get him too attached to me.
Here, you take him.
No, master, please.
You hold him until he goes to sleep.
He's not sleeping in my house until I find out where he comes from.
Well, that is also very simple, master.
Abdullah is my brother's son.
My brother and his wife are in the service of the sultan of Hyderabad.
And the sultan keeps my poor brother working so hard that he and his wife have never even had a chance for a honeymoon.
Little late for that now wouldn't you say? So when the sultan decided to give my brother a week off, I agreed to take care of Abdullah.
You do not mind, do you? No, of course not.
Why should I mind? If anybody asks me where the baby comes from, I'll just say, "Well, on my latest mission, I flew into a stork.
" Ha, ha.
Oh, master, that is brilliant.
No, it's not brilliant.
Now, you have to take him back.
Oh, master, please do not make me do that.
He is so cute, and it is only for a week.
Shh-shh.
Wait a minute, he's asleep.
[GIGGLES.]
I have to put him down.
Oh, Major Healey.
Is that not a beautiful scene? It gives one goose bumps.
Frankly, it gives me heartburn.
How do you get out of this thing, anyway? All right, Jeannie, you can have him.
You can have him, but just for a week, you understand.
Just a week.
Oh, heh.
[SCREAMING.]
Tony? Oh, master.
If he lasts that long.
Master.
It's all right.
It's okay.
[BABY CRYING.]
[GRUNTING.]
Jeannie, Abdullah's awake.
[.]
Jeannie.
Jeannie, it's the 2:00 feeding time.
Oh, yes.
[YAWNS.]
Yes, master, right away.
[YAWNING.]
[.]
[BABY CRYING.]
Aw.
Does he not have a beautiful voice? [SIGHS.]
[BABY CRYING.]
[SIGHS.]
[GRUNTS.]
You can't be hungry again, kid.
I'm coming.
I'm coming.
Oh, I do not know what is wrong, master.
[CRYING.]
I have fed him, burped him, changed him, and it does not do any good.
Have you tried blinking him? Master! Sorry.
Here, you hold him.
It worked before.
Aw.
Walk with him, master.
[YAWNS.]
When he closes his eyes we can put him into bed.
[.]
[CRYING.]
Shh.
[CRYING STOPS.]
Oh, you [QUIETLY.]
He's asleep.
Tony, are you ready? [CRYING.]
Roger.
Shh.
You'll wake the baby.
Now, master, the bottles are in the refrigerator, all ready for you.
The clean diapers are in the bassinet Bassinet.
Let me see, is there anything else? Oh.
Oh, yes, oh, yes.
Please do not forget to powder his little bottom when you change him.
Change bottom.
You're not going away, are you? Oh, just until tonight.
I promised my brother that I would take his place with the sultan of Hyderabad.
Goodbye, master.
Bye.
Tony.
Mm? Tony.
What? Jeannie's gone.
[YAWNS.]
I'm a little gone myself.
Jeannie's gone? What do you mean she's gone? Jeannie! Jeannie, come back.
What are you going to do? We've gotta get to work.
Well, we'll get a babysitter for it, that's what we'll have to [BABY CRYING.]
Oh.
Shh.
Shh.
Why don't we get a rattle or a teething ring? Huh? Maybe there's one in the bottom of the crib.
She's got everything else here.
[MAGIC TWINKLES.]
Roger, where did the rattle come from? It was in my pocket with my teething ring.
I don't know, it was probably in the crib.
No, there wasn't anything in there.
I put the kid in there myself.
That's ridiculous.
How could a kid Roger, this is not just a little kid.
This is Jeannie's nephew.
A junior genie.
Roger, we can't get a babysitter for this kid.
No telling what he'll pop in.
Now, look, you, uh, tell Dr.
Bellows I can't come to work because I have a cold, okay? D-do you have a cold? I have a cold.
I get it.
Yeah, I'll tell him.
I'll tell him, yeah.
Yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
[BABY WAILS.]
Here, take it back.
What sort of a cold, major? What sort, sir? The kind that wouldn't let him come in today.
That would hardly qualify as a medical description.
What sort? A head cold? Well, you might say it's a pain in the neck.
Oh.
Neck pains, really? What are his other symptoms? Oh, uh, stuffy nose and puffy eyes, scratchy throat, unsteady on his feet.
Couldn't sleep last night.
That's just what I was afraid of.
Let's go, major.
Where are you going, sir? To Major Nelson's house.
Sir, it's just a teeny-tiny cold.
Major Healey, what you have just described to me are the classic symptoms of the Patagonian flu.
The Patagonian flu? Major.
What's the Patagonian flu, sir? Tony, Dr.
Bellows is here! Major Healey, why are you shouting? Oh, well, he also has stuffed-up ears.
Why don't you just sit down over here and just relax.
And I'll go and get Tony.
I thought you were sick.
Hi, sir.
How are you? Major, I thought you had a stuffed-up nose.
[NASALLY.]
Yes, well, it comes and goes.
Major Healey was right, you look terrible.
Terrible? Oh, I feel fine, I don't have I'll be the judge of that.
Go into your bedroom and lie down.
I want to examine you.
Examine me? Oh, uh, not too close, major.
If you've got what I think you have, you're highly contagious.
Well, I really don't Uh, uh Major, major, open this door.
[BANGING ON DOOR.]
Open the There's something wrong with this door.
Well, I Have you got a key in there? I'm looking for it, sir.
Well, I'll just have to come through the Open this door.
Right, sir.
Oh, major, are you all right? I'm awfully sorry.
Here.
Are you hurt? Get up.
Now.
Here.
No, I don't know what it is, sir.
This thing seems to stick all the time.
Sit down over here.
Hm? Sit down here.
I have to take your temperature.
[BABY CRYING.]
Oh, my head, please.
Oh, please.
Please be quiet, baby.
Quiet, baby.
Coochy-coochy-coo.
Oh, my finger.
Let go.
Let go.
Look at funny Roger.
Funny Roger.
[BABY SHRIEKING.]
Little Red Riding Hood.
Remember that? [MAGIC TWINKLES.]
Didn't read that, huh? Please quiet.
Oh, your rattle.
You like your rattle, right? Well, you've only got one trick, but it works.
[BABY CRYING.]
What's that noise? The garbage disposal, sir.
Sounds like a baby crying.
The temperature's normal, isn't it? Yes.
Yeah.
I told you there's nothing to worry about.
I just have a common cold, nothing I'm afraid not, major.
With the Patagonian flu, a normal temperature is quite common the first day.
All right, major.
Let's go.
Go where, sir? To the base hospital.
I'm putting you in for observation.
[SCOFFS.]
I don't have to go to the hospital, sir.
There's no reason for that.
Come along, major.
But, sir Come along, major, no nonsense.
You're going to the hospital, and that's an order.
The hospital? What about the you-know-what? Did you get the garbage disposal fixed? Hm? Garbage disposal, major.
The thing that makes a noise like a baby crying.
Oh, that garbage disposal.
Well, it's quiet now.
On your way, major.
Yes, I think you better stick around in case it acts up again.
You want him to babysit with a garbage disposal? Oh, it must be the flu.
I think I'm getting delirious.
Let's hurry, major.
[.]
Tony? Tony.
What is it? What is wrong with the garbage disposal? Coochy-coochy-coo.
[BABY CRYING.]
See the bunny? [TOY RATTLING.]
Rattle.
Heh.
[BABBLING.]
[BABY SHRIEKING.]
Hello, could I? Could I have Major Nelson's room? Oh, Tony.
Oh, Tony.
You've gotta help me.
I can't stop the baby from crying.
I don't know what to tell you, Roge.
I'm gonna get out of here as soon as I can.
Have you tried walking him? I've been walking, running, cantering, and galloping ever since you left.
I don't know what to do.
There's a baby carriage upstairs in the den.
Take him outside.
Outside.
What'll people think? They'll think you're walking a baby, Roger.
Uh, try using a broom handle.
On the baby? Oh, that's inhuman.
Uh, who is that, major? It's Roger, sir.
Oh.
Yeah, that's right.
Excuse me.
Major Healey, BELLOWS: Kindly do not disturb Major Nelson in the hospital just to find out how to fix a garbage disposal.
Use a broom handle.
But, Dr.
Bellows, that's inhuman.
[BABY CRYING.]
Where does he keep the broom handle? [.]
[BABY CRYING.]
WOMAN: Roger.
[CHUCKLES.]
Roger.
Mm.
Darling.
It's been a long time.
Why haven't you called me? It's been a long time.
I've been kind of busy.
I don't wanna hold you up.
You're not.
I have to wait for a bus right here.
ROGER: Wait? The bus just left.
I'll call you a cab.
WOMAN: It did? Taxi.
Excuse me, is this your? The bus doesn't stop here anymore.
This corner's been condemned.
Why don't you share a cab? Roger, what are you doing? Trying to get rid of me? Oh, no, I've been dying to see you.
Good.
Then we can go to dinner Saturday night, okay? Saturday night, 8:00.
Seven o'clock.
Listen, soldier boy Just around the corner, down the street.
What are you talking about? WOMAN: You don't know what this lady wants.
I, uh No, I think I do.
Yeah.
Hey, what are you, some kind of monster? Well, now just a moment, madam.
He may be a little kooky, but he certainly is no kind of monster.
Come on.
Actually, I can't go now.
I'm tied up.
I'll say he can't.
Madam, do you mind minding your own business and tend to your baby? He is crying, you know.
My baby? It's his baby and I think he's trying to abandon him.
His baby? I wanna tell you about that Oh, Roger.
Oh, of all the nerve.
Why, you You Monster.
Exactly.
Come on, lady.
Let's go take that taxi.
[.]
Not my baby.
Girl's baby.
That's not my baby.
Someone Girl's baby by another Not mine, not mine.
Uh-uh, Major Nelson, you're supposed to stay in bed until Dr.
Bellows gets the results of your tests from the lab.
Now, get in there.
Uh, nurse, I had one of these Now, don't talk while your temperature's being taken.
Hello, Nurses' Station Number 23? [WITH ACCENT.]
Yeah.
Hello, nurse? Dr.
Bellows, here.
I just wanted you to know that I'm releasing Major Nelson.
Now, don't argue, nurse.
I'm at the laboratory now and the tests proved very successful.
Yes, I'm releasing him.
Goodbye.
Thank you.
[.]
Highfalutin doctors.
Check 'em in, check 'em out.
No consideration.
Stella, 101 is ready.
Soon as I get the linens on you can bring in Airman Walters.
[SIGHS.]
I tell you.
The way they run this hospital.
You'd think it was a pig sty.
Look at the mess.
No organization here at all.
[MUTTERING.]
[.]
Major Nelson.
Yes, sir.
What are you doing out of your room? I ordered complete rest.
It was a little close in there.
I decided to go to the solarium.
Out of the question.
If you've got Patagonian flu, you've got to stay in bed.
Oh, I'm sure I don't have the Patagonian flu.
I feel I could lick my weight in mountain lion W Orderly.
Well, as a matter of fact, you do look better, major.
All right, off to the solarium.
It's all right, I don't ne What's the matter? Hot, chills.
Cold pains.
I knew it was a mistake for you to leave your room.
Try to relax.
I'll help you back to bed.
Excuse me, doctor.
If you wanna be a full-grown genie, you better shut up.
Nurse, what are you doing? That's Major Nelson's room.
Beg your pardon.
You just told me you released him.
I released him? Why, that's impossible.
Well, you called me a few minutes ago and said that he was in perfect health.
Does he look like he's in perfect health? He's probably in terrible pain Major Nelson.
Oh, we've got to try and find him.
He's probably delirious.
Major Nelson! Roger, what did you bring the kid here for? You're leaning up against the door.
I've got to be in Dr.
Bellows' office in an hour.
But I can't take care of him.
Not here in a hospital.
What better place? If he gets sick, you'll have instant help.
Oh.
Let's go.
Watch the baby.
What would he be doing here, doctor? I'm sorry, this is a maternity ward.
I'm sorry.
[BABY CRYING.]
Shh, shh.
Roger? Roger.
At least we're safe for a minute.
Well, five seconds is already up.
What do we do when a minute is up? You take Abdullah, stay with him.
I'll go stall Dr.
Bellows.
You go home and wait for Jeannie.
Dr.
Bellows? I'm supposed to be in his office in a half hour.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
MAN: It's Frank.
Can I come in? [HIGH VOICE.]
Just a minute, darling.
Get in the closet.
The closet.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Roger.
Roger.
[HIGH VOICE.]
Just a minute, Frank.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
All right, darling.
Dolores, darling, how do you feel? Dolores, where's your stomach? You haven't already? Huh? [GRUNTING AS WOMAN.]
[BABY CRYING.]
What's that? Oh, that's silly.
They would have told me.
Don't worry.
It'll be over soon, we'll have a spanking new baby.
No, no.
Dolores, what is it? Is it? Yes.
No.
Delores, this is it.
You're in labor.
Yes.
Doctor.
Doctor! Tony, we gotta get out of here.
You know what this is? A maternity ward.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Quick thinking, Roger.
Now, just calm down.
Everything's gonna be all right.
Help me with this.
We'll take your wife to the delivery room and the doctor will be waiting.
[MOANING.]
Ow! [.]
[BABY CRYING.]
Well, nurse, have you found him? I'm sorry, doctor.
Major Nelson will have to wait.
This woman's in labor.
These flowers are most unsanitary.
Who put them here? Well, I'm sorry, doctor.
Major Nelson.
Dolores.
I supposed you're wondering why I'm here, sir.
Well, I can explain.
Honestly, I can.
My wife, what did you do with my wife? Congratulations, Mr.
Carson.
Your wife just delivered a seven-pound baby boy.
I'm a father.
I'm a father.
I'm a father! I'm a father! Have a cigar.
Have a cigar.
I'm a father.
Doctor.
Don't try to talk.
Hurry.
Let's get him outside into to his room.
He must be delirious with fever.
Hurry, nurse.
Go to the left.
A lot's going around here that I'm going to find out, and I'm going to investigate.
My brother wishes me to thank you for taking such good care of little Abdullah even if it was not for the full week.
Well, I can't say I'm sorry to see him go, but how come you took him home so early? Well, that is what I was going to tell you.
You see, poor little Abdullah [SNEEZES.]
God bless you.
Oh, by the way, Jeannie, thanks for all the flowers, only it's not necessary.
I'll be getting out today.
Just as soon as Dr.
Bellows sees the lab report.
Well, I do not think so, master.
You see, poor little Abdullah [SNEEZES.]
Bless you.
Funny, I've never been allergic to flowers before.
BELLOWS: Major Nelson.
[GASPS.]
Hi, Dr.
Bellows.
Is that the lab report, sir? I guess you found out I don't have the Patagonian flu.
That's right, major, you don't.
You have the Persian flu.
What? Yes, you and Major Healey.
Oh, nurse, bring Major Healey in, will you, please? It's very peculiar that you and Major Healey are the only known cases of Persian flu in two thousand years.
[BOTH SNEEZE.]
Poor master.
[ROGER AND TONY SNEEZING.]
[SNEEZES.]
[.]
You sure it's no trouble? No, no.
She'll just blink up another place.
Jeannie? That's funny.
She usually meets me right here.
Maybe she took the day off.
Heh-heh.
Never.
She's a non-union genie.
Jeannie, I'm home.
She's not in her bottle.
Hey, what's this? I don't know.
It wasn't here this morning.
Looks like a laundry basket for swinging laundry.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hey, this is interesting.
What's this? Hey, what's all this? Why don't you get Jeannie a washing machine? She shouldn't have to do all your dishtowels by hand.
No, she never did any dishtowels by hand in her life.
She just blinks and "zap," it's done.
Since she isn't here, would you like to have dinner out tonight? Uh, no, thanks.
I better stick around and wait for Jeannie.
I'll see you in the morning, okay? Okay.
How 'bout that.
[WHISTLING.]
Oh, Tony, would you mind picking me up tomorrow morning? Major Healey.
Shh.
Oh, Jeannie's in the study.
Huh? She's in the study.
I wonder why she didn't answer earlier.
Um, Jeannie.
Roger's going to be home for "Quiet, nursery zone"? Maybe she's growing trees in the study.
I don't think that's what Jeannie has in mind.
Jeannie! [.]
Aaagh! Aagh! [BABY CRYING.]
Master, you woke him.
You were right, Tony.
Different kind of nursery.
[.]
[.]
All right, Jeannie, where'd it come from? Shh.
In the first place, it is not an "it," it is a "he," and his name is Abdullah.
Frankly, he looks like a Bruce to me.
Oh, is he not adorable, master? Here, you hold him.
No, I don't know anything about It is very simple.
Just support his head.
That is correct.
Now walk with him.
Walk with him? Yes.
Is he not cute? He likes you.
Yeah, well, let's not get him too attached to me.
Here, you take him.
No, master, please.
You hold him until he goes to sleep.
He's not sleeping in my house until I find out where he comes from.
Well, that is also very simple, master.
Abdullah is my brother's son.
My brother and his wife are in the service of the sultan of Hyderabad.
And the sultan keeps my poor brother working so hard that he and his wife have never even had a chance for a honeymoon.
Little late for that now wouldn't you say? So when the sultan decided to give my brother a week off, I agreed to take care of Abdullah.
You do not mind, do you? No, of course not.
Why should I mind? If anybody asks me where the baby comes from, I'll just say, "Well, on my latest mission, I flew into a stork.
" Ha, ha.
Oh, master, that is brilliant.
No, it's not brilliant.
Now, you have to take him back.
Oh, master, please do not make me do that.
He is so cute, and it is only for a week.
Shh-shh.
Wait a minute, he's asleep.
[GIGGLES.]
I have to put him down.
Oh, Major Healey.
Is that not a beautiful scene? It gives one goose bumps.
Frankly, it gives me heartburn.
How do you get out of this thing, anyway? All right, Jeannie, you can have him.
You can have him, but just for a week, you understand.
Just a week.
Oh, heh.
[SCREAMING.]
Tony? Oh, master.
If he lasts that long.
Master.
It's all right.
It's okay.
[BABY CRYING.]
[GRUNTING.]
Jeannie, Abdullah's awake.
[.]
Jeannie.
Jeannie, it's the 2:00 feeding time.
Oh, yes.
[YAWNS.]
Yes, master, right away.
[YAWNING.]
[.]
[BABY CRYING.]
Aw.
Does he not have a beautiful voice? [SIGHS.]
[BABY CRYING.]
[SIGHS.]
[GRUNTS.]
You can't be hungry again, kid.
I'm coming.
I'm coming.
Oh, I do not know what is wrong, master.
[CRYING.]
I have fed him, burped him, changed him, and it does not do any good.
Have you tried blinking him? Master! Sorry.
Here, you hold him.
It worked before.
Aw.
Walk with him, master.
[YAWNS.]
When he closes his eyes we can put him into bed.
[.]
[CRYING.]
Shh.
[CRYING STOPS.]
Oh, you [QUIETLY.]
He's asleep.
Tony, are you ready? [CRYING.]
Roger.
Shh.
You'll wake the baby.
Now, master, the bottles are in the refrigerator, all ready for you.
The clean diapers are in the bassinet Bassinet.
Let me see, is there anything else? Oh.
Oh, yes, oh, yes.
Please do not forget to powder his little bottom when you change him.
Change bottom.
You're not going away, are you? Oh, just until tonight.
I promised my brother that I would take his place with the sultan of Hyderabad.
Goodbye, master.
Bye.
Tony.
Mm? Tony.
What? Jeannie's gone.
[YAWNS.]
I'm a little gone myself.
Jeannie's gone? What do you mean she's gone? Jeannie! Jeannie, come back.
What are you going to do? We've gotta get to work.
Well, we'll get a babysitter for it, that's what we'll have to [BABY CRYING.]
Oh.
Shh.
Shh.
Why don't we get a rattle or a teething ring? Huh? Maybe there's one in the bottom of the crib.
She's got everything else here.
[MAGIC TWINKLES.]
Roger, where did the rattle come from? It was in my pocket with my teething ring.
I don't know, it was probably in the crib.
No, there wasn't anything in there.
I put the kid in there myself.
That's ridiculous.
How could a kid Roger, this is not just a little kid.
This is Jeannie's nephew.
A junior genie.
Roger, we can't get a babysitter for this kid.
No telling what he'll pop in.
Now, look, you, uh, tell Dr.
Bellows I can't come to work because I have a cold, okay? D-do you have a cold? I have a cold.
I get it.
Yeah, I'll tell him.
I'll tell him, yeah.
Yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
[BABY WAILS.]
Here, take it back.
What sort of a cold, major? What sort, sir? The kind that wouldn't let him come in today.
That would hardly qualify as a medical description.
What sort? A head cold? Well, you might say it's a pain in the neck.
Oh.
Neck pains, really? What are his other symptoms? Oh, uh, stuffy nose and puffy eyes, scratchy throat, unsteady on his feet.
Couldn't sleep last night.
That's just what I was afraid of.
Let's go, major.
Where are you going, sir? To Major Nelson's house.
Sir, it's just a teeny-tiny cold.
Major Healey, what you have just described to me are the classic symptoms of the Patagonian flu.
The Patagonian flu? Major.
What's the Patagonian flu, sir? Tony, Dr.
Bellows is here! Major Healey, why are you shouting? Oh, well, he also has stuffed-up ears.
Why don't you just sit down over here and just relax.
And I'll go and get Tony.
I thought you were sick.
Hi, sir.
How are you? Major, I thought you had a stuffed-up nose.
[NASALLY.]
Yes, well, it comes and goes.
Major Healey was right, you look terrible.
Terrible? Oh, I feel fine, I don't have I'll be the judge of that.
Go into your bedroom and lie down.
I want to examine you.
Examine me? Oh, uh, not too close, major.
If you've got what I think you have, you're highly contagious.
Well, I really don't Uh, uh Major, major, open this door.
[BANGING ON DOOR.]
Open the There's something wrong with this door.
Well, I Have you got a key in there? I'm looking for it, sir.
Well, I'll just have to come through the Open this door.
Right, sir.
Oh, major, are you all right? I'm awfully sorry.
Here.
Are you hurt? Get up.
Now.
Here.
No, I don't know what it is, sir.
This thing seems to stick all the time.
Sit down over here.
Hm? Sit down here.
I have to take your temperature.
[BABY CRYING.]
Oh, my head, please.
Oh, please.
Please be quiet, baby.
Quiet, baby.
Coochy-coochy-coo.
Oh, my finger.
Let go.
Let go.
Look at funny Roger.
Funny Roger.
[BABY SHRIEKING.]
Little Red Riding Hood.
Remember that? [MAGIC TWINKLES.]
Didn't read that, huh? Please quiet.
Oh, your rattle.
You like your rattle, right? Well, you've only got one trick, but it works.
[BABY CRYING.]
What's that noise? The garbage disposal, sir.
Sounds like a baby crying.
The temperature's normal, isn't it? Yes.
Yeah.
I told you there's nothing to worry about.
I just have a common cold, nothing I'm afraid not, major.
With the Patagonian flu, a normal temperature is quite common the first day.
All right, major.
Let's go.
Go where, sir? To the base hospital.
I'm putting you in for observation.
[SCOFFS.]
I don't have to go to the hospital, sir.
There's no reason for that.
Come along, major.
But, sir Come along, major, no nonsense.
You're going to the hospital, and that's an order.
The hospital? What about the you-know-what? Did you get the garbage disposal fixed? Hm? Garbage disposal, major.
The thing that makes a noise like a baby crying.
Oh, that garbage disposal.
Well, it's quiet now.
On your way, major.
Yes, I think you better stick around in case it acts up again.
You want him to babysit with a garbage disposal? Oh, it must be the flu.
I think I'm getting delirious.
Let's hurry, major.
[.]
Tony? Tony.
What is it? What is wrong with the garbage disposal? Coochy-coochy-coo.
[BABY CRYING.]
See the bunny? [TOY RATTLING.]
Rattle.
Heh.
[BABBLING.]
[BABY SHRIEKING.]
Hello, could I? Could I have Major Nelson's room? Oh, Tony.
Oh, Tony.
You've gotta help me.
I can't stop the baby from crying.
I don't know what to tell you, Roge.
I'm gonna get out of here as soon as I can.
Have you tried walking him? I've been walking, running, cantering, and galloping ever since you left.
I don't know what to do.
There's a baby carriage upstairs in the den.
Take him outside.
Outside.
What'll people think? They'll think you're walking a baby, Roger.
Uh, try using a broom handle.
On the baby? Oh, that's inhuman.
Uh, who is that, major? It's Roger, sir.
Oh.
Yeah, that's right.
Excuse me.
Major Healey, BELLOWS: Kindly do not disturb Major Nelson in the hospital just to find out how to fix a garbage disposal.
Use a broom handle.
But, Dr.
Bellows, that's inhuman.
[BABY CRYING.]
Where does he keep the broom handle? [.]
[BABY CRYING.]
WOMAN: Roger.
[CHUCKLES.]
Roger.
Mm.
Darling.
It's been a long time.
Why haven't you called me? It's been a long time.
I've been kind of busy.
I don't wanna hold you up.
You're not.
I have to wait for a bus right here.
ROGER: Wait? The bus just left.
I'll call you a cab.
WOMAN: It did? Taxi.
Excuse me, is this your? The bus doesn't stop here anymore.
This corner's been condemned.
Why don't you share a cab? Roger, what are you doing? Trying to get rid of me? Oh, no, I've been dying to see you.
Good.
Then we can go to dinner Saturday night, okay? Saturday night, 8:00.
Seven o'clock.
Listen, soldier boy Just around the corner, down the street.
What are you talking about? WOMAN: You don't know what this lady wants.
I, uh No, I think I do.
Yeah.
Hey, what are you, some kind of monster? Well, now just a moment, madam.
He may be a little kooky, but he certainly is no kind of monster.
Come on.
Actually, I can't go now.
I'm tied up.
I'll say he can't.
Madam, do you mind minding your own business and tend to your baby? He is crying, you know.
My baby? It's his baby and I think he's trying to abandon him.
His baby? I wanna tell you about that Oh, Roger.
Oh, of all the nerve.
Why, you You Monster.
Exactly.
Come on, lady.
Let's go take that taxi.
[.]
Not my baby.
Girl's baby.
That's not my baby.
Someone Girl's baby by another Not mine, not mine.
Uh-uh, Major Nelson, you're supposed to stay in bed until Dr.
Bellows gets the results of your tests from the lab.
Now, get in there.
Uh, nurse, I had one of these Now, don't talk while your temperature's being taken.
Hello, Nurses' Station Number 23? [WITH ACCENT.]
Yeah.
Hello, nurse? Dr.
Bellows, here.
I just wanted you to know that I'm releasing Major Nelson.
Now, don't argue, nurse.
I'm at the laboratory now and the tests proved very successful.
Yes, I'm releasing him.
Goodbye.
Thank you.
[.]
Highfalutin doctors.
Check 'em in, check 'em out.
No consideration.
Stella, 101 is ready.
Soon as I get the linens on you can bring in Airman Walters.
[SIGHS.]
I tell you.
The way they run this hospital.
You'd think it was a pig sty.
Look at the mess.
No organization here at all.
[MUTTERING.]
[.]
Major Nelson.
Yes, sir.
What are you doing out of your room? I ordered complete rest.
It was a little close in there.
I decided to go to the solarium.
Out of the question.
If you've got Patagonian flu, you've got to stay in bed.
Oh, I'm sure I don't have the Patagonian flu.
I feel I could lick my weight in mountain lion W Orderly.
Well, as a matter of fact, you do look better, major.
All right, off to the solarium.
It's all right, I don't ne What's the matter? Hot, chills.
Cold pains.
I knew it was a mistake for you to leave your room.
Try to relax.
I'll help you back to bed.
Excuse me, doctor.
If you wanna be a full-grown genie, you better shut up.
Nurse, what are you doing? That's Major Nelson's room.
Beg your pardon.
You just told me you released him.
I released him? Why, that's impossible.
Well, you called me a few minutes ago and said that he was in perfect health.
Does he look like he's in perfect health? He's probably in terrible pain Major Nelson.
Oh, we've got to try and find him.
He's probably delirious.
Major Nelson! Roger, what did you bring the kid here for? You're leaning up against the door.
I've got to be in Dr.
Bellows' office in an hour.
But I can't take care of him.
Not here in a hospital.
What better place? If he gets sick, you'll have instant help.
Oh.
Let's go.
Watch the baby.
What would he be doing here, doctor? I'm sorry, this is a maternity ward.
I'm sorry.
[BABY CRYING.]
Shh, shh.
Roger? Roger.
At least we're safe for a minute.
Well, five seconds is already up.
What do we do when a minute is up? You take Abdullah, stay with him.
I'll go stall Dr.
Bellows.
You go home and wait for Jeannie.
Dr.
Bellows? I'm supposed to be in his office in a half hour.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
MAN: It's Frank.
Can I come in? [HIGH VOICE.]
Just a minute, darling.
Get in the closet.
The closet.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Roger.
Roger.
[HIGH VOICE.]
Just a minute, Frank.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
All right, darling.
Dolores, darling, how do you feel? Dolores, where's your stomach? You haven't already? Huh? [GRUNTING AS WOMAN.]
[BABY CRYING.]
What's that? Oh, that's silly.
They would have told me.
Don't worry.
It'll be over soon, we'll have a spanking new baby.
No, no.
Dolores, what is it? Is it? Yes.
No.
Delores, this is it.
You're in labor.
Yes.
Doctor.
Doctor! Tony, we gotta get out of here.
You know what this is? A maternity ward.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Quick thinking, Roger.
Now, just calm down.
Everything's gonna be all right.
Help me with this.
We'll take your wife to the delivery room and the doctor will be waiting.
[MOANING.]
Ow! [.]
[BABY CRYING.]
Well, nurse, have you found him? I'm sorry, doctor.
Major Nelson will have to wait.
This woman's in labor.
These flowers are most unsanitary.
Who put them here? Well, I'm sorry, doctor.
Major Nelson.
Dolores.
I supposed you're wondering why I'm here, sir.
Well, I can explain.
Honestly, I can.
My wife, what did you do with my wife? Congratulations, Mr.
Carson.
Your wife just delivered a seven-pound baby boy.
I'm a father.
I'm a father.
I'm a father! I'm a father! Have a cigar.
Have a cigar.
I'm a father.
Doctor.
Don't try to talk.
Hurry.
Let's get him outside into to his room.
He must be delirious with fever.
Hurry, nurse.
Go to the left.
A lot's going around here that I'm going to find out, and I'm going to investigate.
My brother wishes me to thank you for taking such good care of little Abdullah even if it was not for the full week.
Well, I can't say I'm sorry to see him go, but how come you took him home so early? Well, that is what I was going to tell you.
You see, poor little Abdullah [SNEEZES.]
God bless you.
Oh, by the way, Jeannie, thanks for all the flowers, only it's not necessary.
I'll be getting out today.
Just as soon as Dr.
Bellows sees the lab report.
Well, I do not think so, master.
You see, poor little Abdullah [SNEEZES.]
Bless you.
Funny, I've never been allergic to flowers before.
BELLOWS: Major Nelson.
[GASPS.]
Hi, Dr.
Bellows.
Is that the lab report, sir? I guess you found out I don't have the Patagonian flu.
That's right, major, you don't.
You have the Persian flu.
What? Yes, you and Major Healey.
Oh, nurse, bring Major Healey in, will you, please? It's very peculiar that you and Major Healey are the only known cases of Persian flu in two thousand years.
[BOTH SNEEZE.]
Poor master.
[ROGER AND TONY SNEEZING.]
[SNEEZES.]
[.]