I Dream of Jeannie (1965) s04e10 Episode Script
How To Marry an Astronaut
[.]
[VICTROLA PLAYING MUSIC.]
Whoo-oo Jeannie? Sister, darling.
[LAUGH.]
[SIGHS.]
Oh, that'd be almost too easy.
Gotcha.
Oh, Jeannie.
Really, darling.
After all the times you've been trapped in there I would've thought you'd have devised some sort of early-warning system.
[CACKLES.]
Jeannie, you You let me out of here or I'll tell Mama! My goodness, can't you take a joke? What are you doing here in Cocoa Beach? I missed you, sister dear.
Did you? Terribly.
I also wanted to know what was going on with that gorgeous master of yours.
Are you married yet? [SIGHS.]
Not yet.
I do not know what the matter is.
I read all the magazines.
I do exactly what they say.
Hmm.
Magazines.
What do they know? Darling, what you need is a good, strong love potion.
Oh, no.
I would not want my master to marry me unless it was of his own free will.
Sis, wake up.
No man gets married of his own free will.
They have to be led, persuaded, cajoled.
You have to dangle a carrot in front of their nose.
Oh, but my master does not like carrots.
[CHUCKLES.]
Darling.
You can make a man eat shredded cardboard if you know the right tricks.
Do you know the right tricks? Mm-hm.
Well, I should.
I've been married 47 times.
I'll tell you what.
Just to show you there are no hard feelings I'm going to give you a personalized course in how to marry a man.
I'm going to go after a man and let you watch and see how I hook him.
You are going to get married? Sure.
Forty-seven, 48, what's the difference? And you can take notes on what I do.
But whom will you marry? Oh, I don't know.
I'll I'll find someone.
Tony? Oh-oh? Anybody home? Oh, it is Major Healey.
Mmm.
He'll do.
I'll marry him.
[.]
[.]
[.]
Oh, hi, Jeannie.
Where's Tony? I was supposed to pick him up.
He went to the base, Major Healey.
H-h-he said to tell you that he had to go in early.
Is, uh? Is anything wrong? Hmm? Oh, no.
No.
Oh, well, I'll I'll catch him at the office.
Bye.
See you.
Here comes the bride Here comes the bride It is out of the question.
You cannot marry Major Healey.
Why sis, you know I've always been a fool about astronauts.
And besides, he is kind of cute.
But he is my master's best friend.
Look at it this way, sis: If I marry Major Healey, you won't have to worry about me stealing Major Nelson away from you.
Oh.
[.]
Hey, Roge, do you, uh, suppose you could arrange to use the phone in your office? The switchboard operator's madly in love with me and I don't wanna make her jealous.
Four-five-four-oh-oh-five-two.
Five-eight-three Four-five-nine-three-six-five.
six-five-four-seven.
Hello, Joannie? This is pussycat.
Major Nelson, what's going on in here? I "Pussycat"? Oh, major, I don't think pussycat is a good enough code word for our project.
Maybe another one.
Right.
A new code word, sir.
Working on a project.
Major Healey, have you been using this phone for the last half hour? Yes, sir, on official business, sir.
I've got a lot of work to do.
Nose to wheel, shoulder to the grindstone.
Major, it's nose to the grindstone and shoulder to the wheel.
Yes, sir.
Thank you, sir.
Uh, Joannie? Yes.
Is that a new one? Oh, uh, that's his new girl Friday.
As opposed to his girl Thursday and girl Wednesday and girl Tues [CHUCKLES.]
Well I think it'd be a good idea if Major Healey got married and settled down.
He devotes so much energy to girl-hunting.
I don't think Roger will be getting married, sir.
It'd take a pretty sharp girl to nail him down.
Well, perhaps.
Oh, by the way, major, about that simulator report [PHONE RINGS.]
I'm in the midst of it now.
I'm on the last equation.
If I can just get it down.
I have the I have the last Hello? No, Joannie, this is not pussycat.
You can find him at extension six-seven-two Oh-oh-five-seven.
five-seven-four-three.
If not there, try extension two-oh-four Well, now, time to start you lessons.
Do you have a drachma, darling? Yes.
Put it in.
Let's see what Major Healey is doing.
Agnes getting married.
Let me see Oh, hi, Jane.
Listen, I was wondering, are you doing anything Saturday ni? Scratch Jane out.
Jane's out.
Let me see The switchboard operator.
What's that? No, no.
She listens in on all my calls.
How about Ellie Mae? I must be dreaming.
On the other hand, who cares? Hello.
I'm, uh I'm Major Healey.
I'm an astronaut.
That's a very pretty dress you've got.
Uh, it's not Jeannie's sister.
If you're going to blink me to Siberia, give me a nice warm coat.
Last time you blinked me there, I I got frostbite and almost froze to death.
Darling, I'm not going to blink you anywhere.
I want you right here close to me.
I know what you want.
I know, you want Major Nelson.
And you want me to get him for you.
You're not gonna get him through me, because he's my best friend.
Darling, I don't want Major Nelson at all.
It's only you I'm interested in.
You I'm mad about.
Yeah, you're mad about me.
That's a joke.
Well, after all, what does Major Nelson have that you haven't? Well, to begin with, he has a genie.
And if you don't get me down from this swing, I'm gonna tell Now, come on.
Will you cut that out? Darling, what do I have to do to prove to you I adore you? Well, to begin with, you can disappear.
Oh, your wish is my command, master.
She's gone.
Well, he's taken the bait.
But he does not want you.
He asked you to disappear.
Oh, yeah? Watch and see what happens next.
Well, I guess I showed her.
Anyway, who wants a genie hanging around to do things for you, like Who wants a genie hanging around? Come back here.
Come back! I thought you'd never ask.
Do you, uh? Do you really like me? Oh, how can you doubt it, darling? Well, what if I asked you to blink up a Rolls-Royce.
What would you say to that? I would say nothing.
I would merely ask you to turn your head and look over there.
[MAGIC BOINGS.]
ROGER: A Rolls-Royce car.
How about a matching yacht? Hmm.
[MAGIC BOINGS.]
I think I'm falling in love.
I'd like to hang around here, but I have to go back to NASA.
Gotta get to work.
I've got a few things I'd like Maybe we could meet for lunch and I could make out a list.
Certainly, darling.
[CHUCKLES.]
You did it, sister.
You did it! Oh, I can hardly wait to try out all those things on my master.
Jeannie? [LAUGHING.]
Jeannie, are you here? Jeannie? Hey, Jeannie, where have you taken me now? Master.
[SCREAMS.]
Oh, dear.
I've done something wrong.
Lesson number two: How to do little things for your master.
Keep your eyes peeled, darling.
Yes, sister.
One golf bag.
One golf club.
The Miami Beach Golf Club.
And one ballpoint pen.
Hello, master, darling.
Are you ready to take me to lunch? I thought we'd send out for something to Oh, dear, you popped your button off.
I have? Oh, let me fix it for you.
You mean, you're gonna sew it on by hand? Of course, darling.
I love to do little things for you.
I hope you don't mind, dear.
I decided to make supper for us, myself.
Again? Yes.
If I blinked it up, it wouldn't have seemed as personal, somehow.
You mean, you wanted to make dinner for me with your own little hands? Mmm.
That's the most beautiful thing I ever heard of in my whole life.
It's my specialty.
I hope you like it.
[CRUNCHING.]
Do you like it? It's the most delicious thing I've ever had my whole life.
What is it? Shredded cardboard.
It's delicious.
More, more.
[MOANS.]
Oh! [.]
Now, what's the surprise you got for me, Jeannie? You will see, master.
I made it with my own hands.
Taste it.
You do not like it? It tastes like shredded cardboard.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh, Tony.
Oh, Jeannie.
Hi, Roge.
Oh, have I got news for you.
What happened? Just the greatest thing in my whole life.
Wow, I've never seen him so happy.
Roger, that's Jeannie's sister next to you.
Jeannie, that's your sister.
Will you do something? [MAGIC BOINGS.]
Tony, will you relax? I've been trying to tell you.
Jeannie's sister and I are getting married.
[.]
Wait a minute.
Would you relax? Just relax, huh? Have another cup of coffee.
Tony, I've gotta go.
Jeannie's waiting for me.
She gets lonely without me.
Well, she can talk to her sister.
She can tell her about the time she sent you to Saudi Arabia.
Well, she didn't know me then.
How about the time she blinked you to Africa and you were attacked by that tribe of Pygmies? Oh, we were just acquaintances.
Well, how about that time she blinked you to Siberia without a coat? And you got frostbite, and you almost froze to death? Well, nobody likes a goody two-shoes.
[COUGHS.]
Besides, how come you're the only one who can have a genie? I'm basing this on many years with a genie.
You can't go through with this.
I can't, huh? Well, I'll tell you what: You just watch me.
[CLINKING, CRASHING.]
ROGER: Are you sure this is the appropriate thing to get married in? Maybe you're right, darling.
It is a bit too conservative.
Mmm.
Perhaps I'll add a few, uh, sequins.
Jeannie, this is a military wedding.
Oh, very well.
I'll throw in a couple of medals.
Jeannie, just a simple uniform would be fine.
Oh, whatever you wish, master.
In, uh, cashmere.
Well, that settles that.
What about the cake? We gonna have a big one? Oh, don't worry.
Everything's been ordered.
A people-shaped cake? Oh, don't be silly, darling.
They're for the top.
Oh, the top Oh, we're gonna have a big cake.
[.]
I'm going to be maid of honor.
Do you like my outfit, master? Jeannie, Roger cannot marry your sister.
It's impossible.
I am sorry you feel that way about astronauts marrying genies.
It has nothing to do with astronauts marrying genies.
It has to do with Roger marrying your sister.
Well, I mean, she's not your ordinary, everyday genie.
Major Healey is over 21.
And your sister? She is over 2021.
How can you argue with that? We must not interfere with their lives.
Ha! But she tricked him somehow.
Oh, no, she did not, master.
She merely made him fall in love with her like any woman makes any man fall in love.
[SIGHS.]
But when I tried it on you [VOICE CRACKING.]
it did not work.
Oh, now, come on.
Now Now, stop that.
Now, don't you start crying.
I really can't take that.
You I'd I'd like to explain.
[CRYING.]
Go away, master.
I do not wish to discuss this.
[MAGIC BOINGS.]
You see Roger, please, listen to me before it's too late.
There's nothing more to say.
Now, either you want to be my best man or you don't.
Well, of course I want to be your best man.
But I want you to be sure you're doing the right thing.
Will you stop worrying? I've never been more sure of anything in my life.
You talked to your mother? Yeah.
Yeah, what'd you tell her? When I told her Jeannie's family was the founders of the Baghdad Country Club, she was pleased as punch.
You said what? Major Nelson, you were to be in my office at 2:00.
Right on my way.
Oh, by the way, major, I spoke to Mrs.
Bellows and she's absolutely delighted with the idea.
Thank you.
I appreciate that.
What was that you talked to Mrs.
Bellows about? What idea was that, Roger? Major? Major? Uh, yes.
Oh, major, here's the report I talked to you about.
Uh, yeah, thank you, sir.
Uh, what was Mrs.
Bellows so delighted about? Major Healey's wedding.
We're having it in our garden.
I don't think that's a good idea.
And why not? Well, she mustn't marry him, sir.
She doesn't love him.
She's just using Roger to get to me.
Major Healey's fiancée is in love with you? Well, not exactly in love, sir.
She just wants to own me.
Own you.
Oh, well, I mean, uh, like a pet, you know? A pet? You mean like a puppy dog or a parakeet? That's it exactly, sir.
She tried it before.
I didn't let her.
She's just using Roger.
You understand? Oh, yes, major.
I understand perfectly.
The shock of thinking about your best friend getting married has caused certain delusions.
We'll go into those further after the wedding.
Oh, no, that's what Now, as for the wedding itself, I, uh I want you to behave as a best man and a best friend should.
Do you understand, major? Do I underst? You don't understand.
This girl lives in a She She comes from a totally alien environment.
She's a She's a Shall we begin, major? [.]
[ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING.]
You get the ring? I got it.
Boy, am I nervous.
You're nervous.
I'm terrified.
I still haven't seen the bride yet.
Neither have I.
But Major Healey says she's quite beautiful.
Major Nelson doesn't look very happy.
I know.
He feels he's losing his best friend.
That's ridiculous.
You men are so clannish.
[JAZZY ORGAN MUSIC BEGINS.]
Join hands, please.
"Dearly beloved "we are gathered here to consecrate "the holy bond of matrimony.
"Is there anyone in this assemblage "who knows of any reason why this marriage should not take place?" [COUGHS.]
Ahem.
No.
Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife? I do.
Amanda.
Look up there and tell me what you see.
[CRYING.]
I can't see anything.
My mascara's running.
There seems to be some mistake.
Get on with it.
He said I do.
I knew it.
I knew it.
She's trying to marry me.
Jeannie, would you? [HUFFS.]
You were right.
Alfred, for heaven's sake, why don't you wear your glasses? But I could have sworn You know, I think I'm catching Major Nelson's delusions.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here Oh, no, you don't, darling.
I've gone through too much to get here.
[MAGIC BOINGS.]
You tricked me.
"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here" Now, we can forget about it.
This is all over.
Ladies and gentlemen, there's been a terrible mista [MAGIC BOINGS.]
[BOTH MURMURING.]
All right, darling, marry us.
I suppose if I could see it, it would all make more sense.
Dearly beloved, is there anyone in this assemblage that knows any reason why this marriage should not take place? I do.
And I'm going to make sure that it does not take place.
[MAGIC BOINGS.]
Fog in the middle of July? This is peculiar.
Most peculiar.
Forget the weather.
Get on with the ceremony.
O-Oh, yes.
This is a ceremony.
May I have the ring, please? Huh? [MAGIC BOINGS.]
TONY [MUFFLED.]
: Oh, the ring? I don't have any ring.
I'm not even married.
Jeannie! Now, try to get married without a ring.
You're getting to be a real nuisance.
[MAGIC BOINGS.]
[SQUEAKING.]
[SCREAMS.]
Let me out! Help! [.]
Are the bride and groom still here? Master.
Master you are safe? I have her trapped in here.
Why don't you get us out of these? Oh, yes, master.
Right away.
Will you, Jeannie? [LAUGHS.]
What about the guests? How are we gonna explain this? Oh, just blink away the fog.
I'll take care of it.
Okay.
Come on.
Wh? Lucky you found out now, Roger.
[CRYING.]
Please take me home.
Yeah, sure.
Major, what happened? Where's the bride? Oh, she's gone.
Left me at the altar.
How will I ever face my friends? Yeah, the girl, she lost her nerve and left, sir.
I'm just taking Roger home.
Major, what are you doing with that bottle of champagne? Oh, I I I thought that Roger might need a little comfort.
I'm just, uh, taking it with him, okay? [ALL YELL.]
Could you do me just one small favor? Anything you want, Jeannie.
Well, stand about here.
Yeah? Mm-hm.
And Major Healey? Me? Mm-hm.
Would you stand about here? Please, let me see.
Yes, ah, that is perfect.
And I will stand here.
Yeah.
What are you doing? [MAGIC BOINGS.]
What is it? [WEDDING MARCH PLAYS.]
PASTOR: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here [.]
[.]
[VICTROLA PLAYING MUSIC.]
Whoo-oo Jeannie? Sister, darling.
[LAUGH.]
[SIGHS.]
Oh, that'd be almost too easy.
Gotcha.
Oh, Jeannie.
Really, darling.
After all the times you've been trapped in there I would've thought you'd have devised some sort of early-warning system.
[CACKLES.]
Jeannie, you You let me out of here or I'll tell Mama! My goodness, can't you take a joke? What are you doing here in Cocoa Beach? I missed you, sister dear.
Did you? Terribly.
I also wanted to know what was going on with that gorgeous master of yours.
Are you married yet? [SIGHS.]
Not yet.
I do not know what the matter is.
I read all the magazines.
I do exactly what they say.
Hmm.
Magazines.
What do they know? Darling, what you need is a good, strong love potion.
Oh, no.
I would not want my master to marry me unless it was of his own free will.
Sis, wake up.
No man gets married of his own free will.
They have to be led, persuaded, cajoled.
You have to dangle a carrot in front of their nose.
Oh, but my master does not like carrots.
[CHUCKLES.]
Darling.
You can make a man eat shredded cardboard if you know the right tricks.
Do you know the right tricks? Mm-hm.
Well, I should.
I've been married 47 times.
I'll tell you what.
Just to show you there are no hard feelings I'm going to give you a personalized course in how to marry a man.
I'm going to go after a man and let you watch and see how I hook him.
You are going to get married? Sure.
Forty-seven, 48, what's the difference? And you can take notes on what I do.
But whom will you marry? Oh, I don't know.
I'll I'll find someone.
Tony? Oh-oh? Anybody home? Oh, it is Major Healey.
Mmm.
He'll do.
I'll marry him.
[.]
[.]
[.]
Oh, hi, Jeannie.
Where's Tony? I was supposed to pick him up.
He went to the base, Major Healey.
H-h-he said to tell you that he had to go in early.
Is, uh? Is anything wrong? Hmm? Oh, no.
No.
Oh, well, I'll I'll catch him at the office.
Bye.
See you.
Here comes the bride Here comes the bride It is out of the question.
You cannot marry Major Healey.
Why sis, you know I've always been a fool about astronauts.
And besides, he is kind of cute.
But he is my master's best friend.
Look at it this way, sis: If I marry Major Healey, you won't have to worry about me stealing Major Nelson away from you.
Oh.
[.]
Hey, Roge, do you, uh, suppose you could arrange to use the phone in your office? The switchboard operator's madly in love with me and I don't wanna make her jealous.
Four-five-four-oh-oh-five-two.
Five-eight-three Four-five-nine-three-six-five.
six-five-four-seven.
Hello, Joannie? This is pussycat.
Major Nelson, what's going on in here? I "Pussycat"? Oh, major, I don't think pussycat is a good enough code word for our project.
Maybe another one.
Right.
A new code word, sir.
Working on a project.
Major Healey, have you been using this phone for the last half hour? Yes, sir, on official business, sir.
I've got a lot of work to do.
Nose to wheel, shoulder to the grindstone.
Major, it's nose to the grindstone and shoulder to the wheel.
Yes, sir.
Thank you, sir.
Uh, Joannie? Yes.
Is that a new one? Oh, uh, that's his new girl Friday.
As opposed to his girl Thursday and girl Wednesday and girl Tues [CHUCKLES.]
Well I think it'd be a good idea if Major Healey got married and settled down.
He devotes so much energy to girl-hunting.
I don't think Roger will be getting married, sir.
It'd take a pretty sharp girl to nail him down.
Well, perhaps.
Oh, by the way, major, about that simulator report [PHONE RINGS.]
I'm in the midst of it now.
I'm on the last equation.
If I can just get it down.
I have the I have the last Hello? No, Joannie, this is not pussycat.
You can find him at extension six-seven-two Oh-oh-five-seven.
five-seven-four-three.
If not there, try extension two-oh-four Well, now, time to start you lessons.
Do you have a drachma, darling? Yes.
Put it in.
Let's see what Major Healey is doing.
Agnes getting married.
Let me see Oh, hi, Jane.
Listen, I was wondering, are you doing anything Saturday ni? Scratch Jane out.
Jane's out.
Let me see The switchboard operator.
What's that? No, no.
She listens in on all my calls.
How about Ellie Mae? I must be dreaming.
On the other hand, who cares? Hello.
I'm, uh I'm Major Healey.
I'm an astronaut.
That's a very pretty dress you've got.
Uh, it's not Jeannie's sister.
If you're going to blink me to Siberia, give me a nice warm coat.
Last time you blinked me there, I I got frostbite and almost froze to death.
Darling, I'm not going to blink you anywhere.
I want you right here close to me.
I know what you want.
I know, you want Major Nelson.
And you want me to get him for you.
You're not gonna get him through me, because he's my best friend.
Darling, I don't want Major Nelson at all.
It's only you I'm interested in.
You I'm mad about.
Yeah, you're mad about me.
That's a joke.
Well, after all, what does Major Nelson have that you haven't? Well, to begin with, he has a genie.
And if you don't get me down from this swing, I'm gonna tell Now, come on.
Will you cut that out? Darling, what do I have to do to prove to you I adore you? Well, to begin with, you can disappear.
Oh, your wish is my command, master.
She's gone.
Well, he's taken the bait.
But he does not want you.
He asked you to disappear.
Oh, yeah? Watch and see what happens next.
Well, I guess I showed her.
Anyway, who wants a genie hanging around to do things for you, like Who wants a genie hanging around? Come back here.
Come back! I thought you'd never ask.
Do you, uh? Do you really like me? Oh, how can you doubt it, darling? Well, what if I asked you to blink up a Rolls-Royce.
What would you say to that? I would say nothing.
I would merely ask you to turn your head and look over there.
[MAGIC BOINGS.]
ROGER: A Rolls-Royce car.
How about a matching yacht? Hmm.
[MAGIC BOINGS.]
I think I'm falling in love.
I'd like to hang around here, but I have to go back to NASA.
Gotta get to work.
I've got a few things I'd like Maybe we could meet for lunch and I could make out a list.
Certainly, darling.
[CHUCKLES.]
You did it, sister.
You did it! Oh, I can hardly wait to try out all those things on my master.
Jeannie? [LAUGHING.]
Jeannie, are you here? Jeannie? Hey, Jeannie, where have you taken me now? Master.
[SCREAMS.]
Oh, dear.
I've done something wrong.
Lesson number two: How to do little things for your master.
Keep your eyes peeled, darling.
Yes, sister.
One golf bag.
One golf club.
The Miami Beach Golf Club.
And one ballpoint pen.
Hello, master, darling.
Are you ready to take me to lunch? I thought we'd send out for something to Oh, dear, you popped your button off.
I have? Oh, let me fix it for you.
You mean, you're gonna sew it on by hand? Of course, darling.
I love to do little things for you.
I hope you don't mind, dear.
I decided to make supper for us, myself.
Again? Yes.
If I blinked it up, it wouldn't have seemed as personal, somehow.
You mean, you wanted to make dinner for me with your own little hands? Mmm.
That's the most beautiful thing I ever heard of in my whole life.
It's my specialty.
I hope you like it.
[CRUNCHING.]
Do you like it? It's the most delicious thing I've ever had my whole life.
What is it? Shredded cardboard.
It's delicious.
More, more.
[MOANS.]
Oh! [.]
Now, what's the surprise you got for me, Jeannie? You will see, master.
I made it with my own hands.
Taste it.
You do not like it? It tastes like shredded cardboard.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh, Tony.
Oh, Jeannie.
Hi, Roge.
Oh, have I got news for you.
What happened? Just the greatest thing in my whole life.
Wow, I've never seen him so happy.
Roger, that's Jeannie's sister next to you.
Jeannie, that's your sister.
Will you do something? [MAGIC BOINGS.]
Tony, will you relax? I've been trying to tell you.
Jeannie's sister and I are getting married.
[.]
Wait a minute.
Would you relax? Just relax, huh? Have another cup of coffee.
Tony, I've gotta go.
Jeannie's waiting for me.
She gets lonely without me.
Well, she can talk to her sister.
She can tell her about the time she sent you to Saudi Arabia.
Well, she didn't know me then.
How about the time she blinked you to Africa and you were attacked by that tribe of Pygmies? Oh, we were just acquaintances.
Well, how about that time she blinked you to Siberia without a coat? And you got frostbite, and you almost froze to death? Well, nobody likes a goody two-shoes.
[COUGHS.]
Besides, how come you're the only one who can have a genie? I'm basing this on many years with a genie.
You can't go through with this.
I can't, huh? Well, I'll tell you what: You just watch me.
[CLINKING, CRASHING.]
ROGER: Are you sure this is the appropriate thing to get married in? Maybe you're right, darling.
It is a bit too conservative.
Mmm.
Perhaps I'll add a few, uh, sequins.
Jeannie, this is a military wedding.
Oh, very well.
I'll throw in a couple of medals.
Jeannie, just a simple uniform would be fine.
Oh, whatever you wish, master.
In, uh, cashmere.
Well, that settles that.
What about the cake? We gonna have a big one? Oh, don't worry.
Everything's been ordered.
A people-shaped cake? Oh, don't be silly, darling.
They're for the top.
Oh, the top Oh, we're gonna have a big cake.
[.]
I'm going to be maid of honor.
Do you like my outfit, master? Jeannie, Roger cannot marry your sister.
It's impossible.
I am sorry you feel that way about astronauts marrying genies.
It has nothing to do with astronauts marrying genies.
It has to do with Roger marrying your sister.
Well, I mean, she's not your ordinary, everyday genie.
Major Healey is over 21.
And your sister? She is over 2021.
How can you argue with that? We must not interfere with their lives.
Ha! But she tricked him somehow.
Oh, no, she did not, master.
She merely made him fall in love with her like any woman makes any man fall in love.
[SIGHS.]
But when I tried it on you [VOICE CRACKING.]
it did not work.
Oh, now, come on.
Now Now, stop that.
Now, don't you start crying.
I really can't take that.
You I'd I'd like to explain.
[CRYING.]
Go away, master.
I do not wish to discuss this.
[MAGIC BOINGS.]
You see Roger, please, listen to me before it's too late.
There's nothing more to say.
Now, either you want to be my best man or you don't.
Well, of course I want to be your best man.
But I want you to be sure you're doing the right thing.
Will you stop worrying? I've never been more sure of anything in my life.
You talked to your mother? Yeah.
Yeah, what'd you tell her? When I told her Jeannie's family was the founders of the Baghdad Country Club, she was pleased as punch.
You said what? Major Nelson, you were to be in my office at 2:00.
Right on my way.
Oh, by the way, major, I spoke to Mrs.
Bellows and she's absolutely delighted with the idea.
Thank you.
I appreciate that.
What was that you talked to Mrs.
Bellows about? What idea was that, Roger? Major? Major? Uh, yes.
Oh, major, here's the report I talked to you about.
Uh, yeah, thank you, sir.
Uh, what was Mrs.
Bellows so delighted about? Major Healey's wedding.
We're having it in our garden.
I don't think that's a good idea.
And why not? Well, she mustn't marry him, sir.
She doesn't love him.
She's just using Roger to get to me.
Major Healey's fiancée is in love with you? Well, not exactly in love, sir.
She just wants to own me.
Own you.
Oh, well, I mean, uh, like a pet, you know? A pet? You mean like a puppy dog or a parakeet? That's it exactly, sir.
She tried it before.
I didn't let her.
She's just using Roger.
You understand? Oh, yes, major.
I understand perfectly.
The shock of thinking about your best friend getting married has caused certain delusions.
We'll go into those further after the wedding.
Oh, no, that's what Now, as for the wedding itself, I, uh I want you to behave as a best man and a best friend should.
Do you understand, major? Do I underst? You don't understand.
This girl lives in a She She comes from a totally alien environment.
She's a She's a Shall we begin, major? [.]
[ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING.]
You get the ring? I got it.
Boy, am I nervous.
You're nervous.
I'm terrified.
I still haven't seen the bride yet.
Neither have I.
But Major Healey says she's quite beautiful.
Major Nelson doesn't look very happy.
I know.
He feels he's losing his best friend.
That's ridiculous.
You men are so clannish.
[JAZZY ORGAN MUSIC BEGINS.]
Join hands, please.
"Dearly beloved "we are gathered here to consecrate "the holy bond of matrimony.
"Is there anyone in this assemblage "who knows of any reason why this marriage should not take place?" [COUGHS.]
Ahem.
No.
Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife? I do.
Amanda.
Look up there and tell me what you see.
[CRYING.]
I can't see anything.
My mascara's running.
There seems to be some mistake.
Get on with it.
He said I do.
I knew it.
I knew it.
She's trying to marry me.
Jeannie, would you? [HUFFS.]
You were right.
Alfred, for heaven's sake, why don't you wear your glasses? But I could have sworn You know, I think I'm catching Major Nelson's delusions.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here Oh, no, you don't, darling.
I've gone through too much to get here.
[MAGIC BOINGS.]
You tricked me.
"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here" Now, we can forget about it.
This is all over.
Ladies and gentlemen, there's been a terrible mista [MAGIC BOINGS.]
[BOTH MURMURING.]
All right, darling, marry us.
I suppose if I could see it, it would all make more sense.
Dearly beloved, is there anyone in this assemblage that knows any reason why this marriage should not take place? I do.
And I'm going to make sure that it does not take place.
[MAGIC BOINGS.]
Fog in the middle of July? This is peculiar.
Most peculiar.
Forget the weather.
Get on with the ceremony.
O-Oh, yes.
This is a ceremony.
May I have the ring, please? Huh? [MAGIC BOINGS.]
TONY [MUFFLED.]
: Oh, the ring? I don't have any ring.
I'm not even married.
Jeannie! Now, try to get married without a ring.
You're getting to be a real nuisance.
[MAGIC BOINGS.]
[SQUEAKING.]
[SCREAMS.]
Let me out! Help! [.]
Are the bride and groom still here? Master.
Master you are safe? I have her trapped in here.
Why don't you get us out of these? Oh, yes, master.
Right away.
Will you, Jeannie? [LAUGHS.]
What about the guests? How are we gonna explain this? Oh, just blink away the fog.
I'll take care of it.
Okay.
Come on.
Wh? Lucky you found out now, Roger.
[CRYING.]
Please take me home.
Yeah, sure.
Major, what happened? Where's the bride? Oh, she's gone.
Left me at the altar.
How will I ever face my friends? Yeah, the girl, she lost her nerve and left, sir.
I'm just taking Roger home.
Major, what are you doing with that bottle of champagne? Oh, I I I thought that Roger might need a little comfort.
I'm just, uh, taking it with him, okay? [ALL YELL.]
Could you do me just one small favor? Anything you want, Jeannie.
Well, stand about here.
Yeah? Mm-hm.
And Major Healey? Me? Mm-hm.
Would you stand about here? Please, let me see.
Yes, ah, that is perfect.
And I will stand here.
Yeah.
What are you doing? [MAGIC BOINGS.]
What is it? [WEDDING MARCH PLAYS.]
PASTOR: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here [.]
[.]