I Dream of Jeannie (1965) s04e11 Episode Script

[.]
[TONY CHUCKLING.]
Dr.
Bellows say what he wanted to see me about? No, just that it was important.
[SIGHS.]
Dr.
Bellows? He isn't here.
Maybe he left a note.
Hey.
"A Clinical Report on Major Anthony Nelson.
" Hey, Roger, it's about me.
Maybe that's what he wanted to see you about.
"A factual dossier on every unexplained incident "in which Major Nelson has been involved for the last three years.
" This is dynamite.
Boy, if this thing is submitted, I'm finished.
We gotta get rid of it.
We'll burn it, we'll burn the office.
Jeannie! You called, master? Oh, yeah.
You see these papers? Get rid of them, will ya? BELLOWS: Thanks, sergeant.
At once, master.
No, wait, wait, wait.
[GASPS.]
Uh, thank you, sergeant.
Oh, uh, Major Healey.
Where's Major Nelson? Major Nelson.
Oh, he, uh He had to go to the phone.
I want to discuss this report with him.
Now, master? No, not now.
You can't while Dr.
Bellows is there.
Oh, you forget how clever I am.
Shh.
[WIND GUSTING.]
What's going on? There is a bit of a breeze, I'll, uh I'll close the window.
Major, the window is closed.
Oh, well, then, uh, I'll open it.
[MAGIC BOINGS.]
What a shame, sir.
The, uh The reports have been blown all over the base.
Don't worry about it.
With Major Nelson involved, I thought something like this might happen, so I took the precaution of making up a few more copies.
Nice work, Jeannie.
Thank you, master.
I just dropped one off with General Peterson.
Carry on, major.
[.]
[.]
[.]
I take it you're aware of the contents of this report, Tony, now, what do you make of it? I I don't think it's fair to condemn a man before a fair hearing.
No one is condemning anybody, Tony.
It's perfectly understandable, after all the pressure we've been under.
Sir, I respectfully submit that Dr.
Bellows is not always I know.
I know how you must feel about him, after working with him all these years.
There's no doubt in my mind.
Bellows is cracked up.
Sir, I'm entitled to a formal hearing Dr.
Bellows is cracked up? Of course.
Whom did you think I meant? Yeah, you You mean you don't believe this report, sir? Tony, any man who writes a report like this has got to be a candidate for a padded cell.
Look right here where it says, "Animals, appearing and disappearing.
" Bellows swears that on three separate occasions he saw an elephant, a giraffe and a grizzly bear in your living room.
[LAUGHING.]
Yeah.
Grizzly bear.
Well, we simply cannot afford to have our astronauts under the care of a man who sees grizzly bears.
No, no, sir.
As of now, Bellows is no longer your doctor.
[CHUCKLING.]
Yeah.
What? Oh, master, what happened? Dr.
Bellows is losing his job because of me.
Oh, well, can he not get another job? The world is getting crazier every minute.
Psychiatrists are in demand.
Jeannie, I got an idea.
Why don't you blink Dr.
Bellows up a beautiful office in Beverly Hills with a lot of rich patients.
I'll do it right away.
Yeah, you can throw in the Nobel Prize in medicine.
Nobel Prize in medicine.
Wait a minute, Jeannie.
Just let me handle this.
Hello.
I don't want you to blink anybody anywhere.
Hello? Oh, uh, yes, Dr.
Corbett.
Yes, sir, I'm on my way now.
Who is Dr.
Corbett? He's the new psychiatrist that's taking Dr.
Bellows' job.
[.]
Dr.
Corbett? Dr.
Corbett? [MAKING TICKING NOISES.]
Uh, Dr.
Corbett, I'm Major Nelson.
Shh, I haven't finished rewinding yet.
And there we are.
Ha, ha.
Whoo, the old mainspring is just going like new.
Okay, major.
Strip.
I beg your pardon? I said strip.
Take off your clothes.
Going to give you a physical examination.
Going to give you a complete physical examination.
That'll be today.
Now, tomorrow, we're gonna start with your psychological inventory.
And by this time next week, there isn't one thing about you that I won't know.
Well, uh, you've already seen my medical report Aha.
Gonna resist me, are ya? Well, no, it's not a question of resistance Well, it won't do you any good because I have my methods.
Come over here.
Over here, major.
You see that? Yes, sir.
Oh, yes, hypnotherapy.
That's right.
And if that doesn't work, ahem, sodium pentothal.
Narco-therapy.
By the time I'm through with you, there is nothing that you won't tell me.
No.
Well, how about the old matchstick under the fingernail trick? What did you say, major? Ahem.
It's good.
It's good.
[JEANNIE GASPS.]
Master.
Hey, what happened? Oh, you look terrible.
I am in perfect physical condition.
Hey, what's Corbett like, anyway? Oh, he's a monster.
He put me through every physical test known to science.
Well, that doesn't make him a monster.
Yeah, he's gonna pump me full of truth serum and find out all about Jeannie.
He's a monster.
Yeah.
Smite him, Jeannie.
At once.
Now, wait, wait.
Don't Don't smite anybody.
Wait a minute.
At least, don't smite anybody unless we can do it scientifically.
Yeah, yeah, that's it, scientifically, by getting Dr.
Bellows his job back.
It's too late, the ax falls in General Peterson's office tomorrow at noon.
All right, that's all we need to know.
Jeannie, Roger, from now on we're gonna be members of the underground.
Underground? I do not understand, master.
Well, if Dr.
Corbett's gonna play Helmut von Gestapo with a truth serum, we're gonna be members of the French Freedom Fighters.
Oh, master, that will be fun.
[.]
[LAUGHS.]
Jeannie, what are you doing? Oh, now we will look the part.
Vive la France.
There we are, master.
Now the pipe will leak.
But I still do not understand what we are doing.
Oh, it's simple.
We're gonna prove that Dr.
Bellows is perfectly sane.
Oh, by making a heating pipe leak.
How very clever, master.
[LAUGHS.]
How does that prove that Dr.
Bellows is sane? Well, in his report, he said that he saw it snow in Cocoa Beach in July.
Well, tomorrow, he's having a meeting in this very room with General Peterson, at noon.
You're gonna make it snow.
Oh.
And then General Peterson will think that he is crazy too.
[CHUCKLING.]
No, no, not at all.
I'm gonna come up with a perfectly logical explanation.
The heating pipe leaks, causing warm air to escape which rises to the ceiling.
The air conditioner condenses it into snow.
Oh, master, you are brilliant.
No, just desperate.
Clean up this mess and we'll get out of here, all right? Yes, master.
[GIGGLES.]
[SIGHS.]
[.]
All right, Jeannie.
Remember, when Dr.
Bellows goes in, wait one minute and then let her rip.
Yes, master.
One minute.
All right, let's go.
M-master, I do not have a watch.
I wonder if it matters if it is on Arabian time.
I'm not looking forward to this, Corbett.
Dr.
Bellows has been with this program for years.
But it can't be helped.
The man is a dingbat.
Watch yourself, doctor, he's also my friend.
But you read the report, general.
He's a menace and the sooner you get him out of here, the better.
I suppose you're right.
Maybe we'll go to his office.
It'll make it seem less like he's being called on the carpet and fired.
No, general, it would be so much better psychologically if you were to order him to your office We'll go to his office.
General Peterson? [HUMMING.]
Major.
Sir.
General, uh, weren't you supposed to have your meeting in your office at noon? We've decided to have it in Dr.
Bellows' office instead.
[.]
Dr.
Bellows? He's probably waiting in your office, sir.
Oh.
It must have stopped.
It's snowing.
Major Nelson has done it again.
Jeannie.
We are right on schedule, master.
It is snowing inside.
Well, turn it off in there and turn it on in Dr.
Bellows' office.
We made a mistake.
Oh, we did? Yes.
Oh, yes, master.
Right away.
Major Nelson.
Major Nelson.
I know you're around here somewhere.
Dr.
Bellows.
Oh, uh, General Peterson.
Quick, it's snowing in your office.
Snowing in my office.
You don't have to believe me.
Just look.
But it was snowing.
I swear it.
Major Nelson is behind this.
He did it once before.
It's in my report.
It's on page a hundred and There, there, doctor.
Now you just relax.
Everything is going to be all right.
General, I assure you, I was sitting in that chair All right, all right.
It suddenly snowed.
I assure you it was snowing.
I was sitting in your office.
Dr.
Corbett, I saw it, I felt it Oh, Major Nelson.
Tell 'em, you made it snow.
Tell them.
Um, well, as a matter of fact, it could happen Shh, shh, don't upset him.
Where are you taking him, sir? I'm going to take him and get him some nice warm snow boots.
[.]
Poor Dr.
Bellows.
Poor me, I got Corbett to deal with.
Oh, do not worry, master.
I will help you.
Yeah, me too.
We've just got to stay calm.
Yeah, well, Roger, we can stay calm, but just realize that after Corbett's finished with me, he's gonna start on you.
Me? Oh, me?! We got work to do.
Gotta make plans.
How can you be calm at a time like this? Jeannie, blink him to Australia.
Shall I, master? No.
I've got a plan, Roger.
I like mine better.
Australia, Jeannie.
Relax, Roger, relax.
You're gonna be his secretary.
Oh, no, master.
I could not work for a man who is your enemy.
You're not gonna work for him, you're gonna work against him.
Oh, well, I like that better.
Oh, I'm sure she'll be fine, major, fine, fine, fine.
As long as she can type and file, take shorthand.
Can you, sergeant? Shorthand? Oh, heh, oh, yes.
All right, then thank you for recommending her, major.
My pleasure, sir.
And don't forget we have an appointment at, uh, 4:00 with the, uh, hypno-disk.
Four o'clock, I wouldn't forget that, sir.
Uh, goodbye, sir.
All right, sergeant, take a letter.
[.]
I-I can't seem to find my glasses.
[GIGGLES.]
They're on your nose, doctor.
Oh, they're on my Oh, good, good.
Heh, heh.
Good luck, Dr.
Corbett.
Have you got your steno pad? Oh, no, but I will get it.
Uh, now then, this letter goes to the director of Medical Services.
Do you not wish to know how I got my notepad and pencil without getting up from my chair? Sergeant, how you do your job is of no concern to me, only that you do it properly.
Now, this letter goes to the director of Medical Services.
Mmm.
Dear director of Medical Services [BOTH LAUGHING.]
You mean, his glasses just popped in on his nose? When she gets through with him, he'll wish he'd never set foot at NASA.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
Ah, therefore in my case, I felt that the standard office furniture would not do.
Yours truly, Farley Corbett.
Uh, sergeant, do you have the time? My watch seems to have stopped.
Oh, I am sorry, doctor, I do not have a watch.
Well, then, find a clock.
[BELLS TOLLING.]
Never mind, there's a clock outside.
[BUZZES.]
Yes? CORBETT: Sergeant? Yes, doctor.
Get me Sergeant Krober immediately.
Yes, doctor.
What am I doing here? I sent for you.
All right, I want you to take this over to the base pharmacy, have it filled and take it over to the resident at the hospital.
Have him give it to Dr.
Bellows as directed.
Well, sergeant, what are you waiting for? I figured as long as I came in without coming through the door, I could leave the same way.
Out.
Uh, yes, general, I got the call.
Uh, yes, sir.
I'll have the report in by Monday morning.
Right.
Oh.
May I call you back, sir? Thank you.
Yes, yes, few minutes.
Master, I have done everything you said and he has not paid the slightest bit of attention to me.
All right.
We'll have to move on to Phase 2.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
If Corbett is that far out of it, he may be easier to live with than Dr.
Bellows, huh? Roger, if Corbett hypnotizes me or pumps me full of truth serum, he'll find out all about Jeannie.
No, no, it's time to move up to heavy artillery.
Yes, master.
Well, that ought to fix him.
Jeannie, would you please get rid of this.
Oh, but, master, you said you wanted heavy artillery, this is the finest ever made.
No, no.
Now, I want a bear.
A bear? Up in Dr.
Corbett's office.
You mean, a bear, a grizzly bear with grizzly teeth and hair? I hope you know what you're doing.
So do I.
A bear? A bear.
[GROWLS.]
[.]
[GROWLS.]
[MAKING TICKING NOISES.]
Well, major, are you ready for our session? Are you ready to tell me your innermost secrets? I thought I heard a noise in the closet.
Oh, did you? I didn't hear anything.
I know your delaying tactics now, major.
No, no, no, it sounded like a bear.
A bear? Yes.
You can tell me all about it under hypnosis.
Here we go now, major.
Watch the hypno-disk.
[.]
[GROWLS.]
CORBETT: You're getting sleepy.
You're getting very sleepy.
Sleepy.
Your lids are very heavy.
Are you sleepy, major? Sleepy, sleepy.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, yeah.
[LAUGHS.]
I'll tell you what, uh [GROWLS.]
Okay? Can I get back to you later? Something's come up.
Y-you probably don't recognize me, but I'm Roger Healey.
Dr.
Corbett's next door.
It's a very easy mistake, it's just two doors away.
Ha, ha.
Uh Smoke? Smoke, Mr.
Bear? Smokey the Bear.
[GROWLS.]
Now you are in a deep, hypnotic trance.
[SNAPS FINGERS.]
You will answer with complete truthfulness any question that I put to you.
Question to me.
I hear a bear.
Oh, yes, that's the noise you heard before.
You think it's a bear? Yes, a bear.
A big bear.
A big black bear.
Mm-hm.
Major, when you were a little boy, did you ever go hunting with your father? Hunting.
Yes, with my dad.
Hunting.
Hunting bear.
Where are you now, major? I'm in the big piny woods, with Dad.
[.]
That feels wonderful.
[GROWLS.]
But I really must go.
[GROWLS.]
Just make yourself at home.
Use the phone.
Make a long-distance call.
[GROWLING.]
Show me the bear.
There's the bear.
Wait a minute, major.
We're not getting anywhere with this.
You're getting sleepy.
You don't see a Very sleepy.
Your eyelids are getting heavy.
Very heavy.
You are getting very sleepy.
Now, wait a minute, major, what's going on? TONY: Just look over there.
Now when I say three, I want you to go to sleep.
Three.
[MUTTERING.]
Sleep.
Sleep.
Roger, the bear, the bear.
The bear's in my office.
In your? How did he get in there? How'd he get in there? He just walked in there.
We gotta get him out of there before Peterson sees or we're dead.
You get him out of there.
Have you seen this bear? This is not a small bear.
The other way.
Other way, this is the way.
[.]
Let's see now, where were we? Oh, yeah, we're in the piny woods hunting a bear.
[GROWLS.]
Very remarkable.
Your illusion is so strong, I almost think I hear him.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
What? What are you doing, major? I, oh Put me down.
All right, act out your fantasy if you must, major.
Easy does it, now.
I thought you said he was in your office.
Don't you think I know a bear when I see one? We gotta find him.
You gotta find him.
You find him.
Shh, be quiet.
Don't tell me to be quiet [GROWLS.]
[MUMBLING.]
you're hallucinating Oh! Oh, dear.
Jeannie.
Oh, master, I'm sorry.
Don't worry about a thing.
I put Dr.
Corbett to sleep with his own hypno-disk.
Watch out, watch out.
Yeah, I'm watching out.
Good heavens, a bear.
[GROWLS.]
A bear?! Shall I do something? No, Jeannie, stay away from him.
Sir, maybe you better stay Major, where did that bear come from and what's he doing with Dr.
Corbett? Oh, yeah, Dr.
Corbett Yeah, the bear General Peterson, is that you? Don't pay any attention to this, sir.
It's just Major Nelson acting out his childhood fantasies.
What did he say? Dr.
Corbett thinks the bear is me, sir.
That doesn't explain who the bear thinks he is.
Oh, major, you're heavy.
Um, sir, frankly, I think Dr.
Corbett's a little strange.
A little strange? That's putting it charitably to say the least.
Now, how are we gonna get him away from the bear? How do we get him away from the bear? Uh, oh.
This young lady is the bear's keeper.
All right, major, I'll leave it in your hands.
You're reassigned to Dr.
Bellows.
And get that bear out of here.
[GROWLS.]
Aah! Right now.
[LAUGHS.]
You've done it again, master.
Yeah, I think I've pretty well done it again.
[BEAR GROWLING.]
Good heavens, there's a bear? Jeannie, will you get rid of it, please? Oh.
Huh? Dr.
Corbett, what are you doing on the floor? What's going on here? The bear, it was sitting on me, and when he got up, I fell on the floor.
The bear.
Mm-hm.
Really? Yes.
Oh, doctor, why don't you just sit down here on the couch for a moment.
Now, uh, as you were saying.
The bear.
The big black bear.
Mama bear or papa bear? I don't know, it was a big hairy bear.
[.]