I Dream of Jeannie (1965) s04e12 Episode Script
Jeannie, My Guru
[.]
Hi.
Hop in.
Thanks, baby.
Dig you later.
Hey, wait a minute.
What's this all about? [HORN HONKING.]
Go, man.
Light's, like, green.
Huh? Well [HORN HONKING.]
All right.
Okay.
Where do we go? Straight, man, straight.
Okay.
My name's, um, Anthony Nelson.
What's yours? Amarantha Swarupinanda.
TONY [CHUCKLING.]
: What? Oh, I took my name from my last incarnation.
I was an Indian princess.
Congratulations.
Now, this is as far as I go.
I just live around the bend.
[.]
Open the door.
What? Open the door, please.
Hey, what's the matter? It's crisis time, baby.
Open the door! Okay, okay, okay.
Okay, sure.
Well, there you are.
Hey, hey, what's all this about, huh? Cool it, baby, cool it.
Major.
Major.
Yes, sir.
You're Major Nelson? Yes, sir.
I am.
I'm General Winfield Schaeffer, your new neighbor.
Oh.
I didn't know you were moving into the neighborhood, sir.
Oh, well, uh, I'm looking for my daughter.
Oh.
[.]
[.]
[.]
Yeah, she's only 17.
She was to have met me here an hour ago.
She's very susceptible.
It's a dangerous age, 17, Nelson.
Indeed it is, sir, yes.
Hippies.
That's why I brought her to Cocoa Beach where there's none of that nonsense.
[CHUCKLING.]
Yes.
If you see her, let me know, will you? I will do that.
Yes, sir.
Carry on.
Hey.
Um Something wrong, major? No.
No, everything's fine, sir.
[ENGINE STARTS.]
[.]
All right, young lady.
Come on out.
Thanks, maj.
You were groovy.
[CHUCKLING.]
Yeah.
Hey.
Oh, well, don't let Pops shake you.
He's just a little square.
[CHUCKLING.]
Yeah, sure.
What's the idea of the quick change? Freedom, baby, freedom.
You know, if military schools accepted girls, I'd be wearing a uniform.
So we just keep the real me out of sight, right? Wrong.
I'm taking you to your father before this goes any further.
Master.
Yah.
Oh! Oh, I am sorry.
I did not know you had company.
Where'd she come from? Who's she? Oh, I'm Majo She's my housekeeper.
In that groovy, hippie outfit? Major, you're with it.
"With it"? One of us.
Gee, you had me scared there for a minute.
I thought you were gonna turn out to be a fink.
I am gonna turn out to be a fink.
Yes, I am.
You're putting me on.
How can you turn me in as a hippie when you're going with a hippie? [CHUCKLING.]
Oh, Jeannie is not a hippie.
Heh.
Yeah, yeah.
So, like, um, I'll keep your secret and you keep mine, right? I think that's a very good idea.
Peace, beautiful people.
[LAUGHS UNEASILY.]
Oh, is that not a lovely thought, master? Peace.
I think we're in for war.
Tony.
Oh, hi, Jeannie.
Oh, have I got terrible news for you.
A general just moved in next door.
A general just moved in next door.
Yeah.
And he's got a daughter named Suzie that's seen Jeannie.
Uh-oh.
My master told her I was the housekeeper.
[GIGGLES.]
Is that not clever? I don't know about his daughter, but the general is a holy terror.
He's in charge of military discipline for the whole NASA installation.
He goes around shaking everybody up.
Shaking Did you hear that? He goes from base to base shaking everybody up.
So, major, how's it going? Oh! What are you doing here? This This is the general's daughter? Is he cool? JEANNIE: Oh, yes, he is my master's best friend.
Peace, baby.
Always happy to meet another beautiful person.
Listen, if your father finds you here, I'm gonna be in a lot Oh, stay loose, maj.
Pop thinks I'm asleep.
[DOORBELL CHIMES.]
Oh, that makes everything fine.
Thinks she's asleep.
Yeah.
Welcome to the crash pad, people.
Come on in.
[CROWD CHATTERING.]
[TONY SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
A house party, man.
A housewarming.
Yeah, but it's my house! Oh, I know, major.
We couldn't have it at my pad.
Not with Daddy there.
What's with him? Harold's on a hunger strike.
What for? No bread, man.
No bread.
[EXHALES.]
Say, listen.
Uh, you've gotta get rid of these people.
I mean I'm not kidding.
[BAND PLAYING ROCK MUSIC.]
[SHOUTING.]
Hey, hold it down, will ya? [ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES.]
BAND: I know You're so pretty Temperature's risin' On the city And I'm cryin' In the dawn Hold it.
Please.
Come on.
Please.
I walk to the corner Turn around Come back again There's no place to go No place I ain't been In the city Oh Whoa, oh Lonely city I wander I don't want the day Turn around Gimme that sundown So bring on the sundown Bring on the night So I can lose myself In the light of the downtown In the city Oh, baby Lonely city Hey, could you hold it down, please.
Ah.
Heh.
Fellas.
Yes.
Oof.
[SCREAMS.]
Love.
Love.
Love.
HIPPIE: Man, that's poetry.
Could you get him out of here? HIPPIE: Can't, man.
Once he starts meditating, there's no way.
Love.
Now, look, ladies.
Oh, sorry.
Um Hey.
Would you quiet down, please? It's my neighbors.
You Hey Hey.
Hey Hey, could you cool it? Cool it? Would you cut it My neighbors are gonna Hey, would you? Hey, man, don't spoil my trip, baby.
Fellas, please! Roger, remember who you are, will you? What a great-sounding garbage can.
Hey.
Suzie.
Suzie, would you, please It is I, master.
Is this not fun? Would you take that silly outfit off, please? Oh, but, master, it is my thing.
[SHOUTING.]
Please, quiet! BAND: Bring on the sundown [MOUTHING WORDS.]
So I can lose myself In the light What in blazes is going on in there in the middle of the night? Uh, going on, sir? I am waiting for an answer.
Somebody should have warned you before you moved in.
Warned me? That you have ear-splitting parties in the middle of the week? It's not here, sir.
It's the house behind us.
Very noisy people.
I've been putting up with them for years.
The house behind you? Yes.
Major, that horrible noise is coming from right in there.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
An ice-cream truck playing rock at 3:00 in the morning? I can't hear you, sir.
Of course you can't hear me with that infernal racket.
I'm sorry, major.
I think I picked the wrong neighborhood to move into.
Will you stop the music? Hey, will you? Fella? Hey? [LAUGHING.]
Will you stop the music? It's 4 It's Do you know what time it is? Will you just cut the music out.
Ah.
Oh.
At ease, major.
Thank you, sir.
Dr.
Bellows tells me that you're an exemplary [SIGHING.]
officer.
Oh, Dr.
Bellows General Schaeffer wants a chaperon for his daughter when he's away from Cocoa Beach.
Oh, a chaperon, sir.
You will escort Suzanne to museums, concerts and other cultural events.
It will keep her out of trouble.
Um, sir, I'm kind of tied up in a project And you will see that this person never comes near her.
Who is it, sir? It's a It calls itself Harold.
It's a dirty, filthy, disreputable hippie.
And if he ever comes near Suzie again, I'll kill him.
Do you get the message? Yes, sir.
I get the message.
Love.
Love.
Love.
Love.
Isn't it gassy? That's Harold's latest new poem.
Oh, it is beautiful.
But But do you not think we should get him something to eat? He does not look well.
Well, he punishes himself for art.
I was just a square until I met Harold.
He made me what I am today.
Love.
TONY: Jeannie! Love Oh, here we are, master.
TONY: Hi, listen, I Maj, meet your new roommate.
TONY: Harold.
Young man, would you? Would you just? I don't want to interfere in your private life, young lady, but, uh, your father told me I had to chaperon you all over Cocoa Beach.
Oh, that's groovy, maj.
We can double date.
You and Jeannie, and Harold and me.
Yeah.
No.
Not Not Harold.
He's out.
If If your father even sees you with Harold, he's gonna skin you alive.
And me too, for allowing it.
No, I'll never give up Harold! He's my guru.
You're gonna have to forget your guru Master? What? Master, the general just drove up and I think he is coming here.
He's coming here? In the kitchen.
Are you sure he's coming here? Yes, master.
You're certain? In the kitchen too.
Yes, master.
Harold, you get Master! Oh Oh Oh, master.
Yes, what day is it? Pick yourself up and act like a man, will you? Huh? Harold? I want you to get him out of here.
Will you? Quickly, get him out.
Uh Uh.
Do you understand me? Huh? Good.
Good.
In the kitchen.
Yes, master.
Now, don't panic.
No, master.
Right.
Ah-whoo.
You are so clever, master.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
SCHAEFFER: Major.
Major Major Nelson.
Yes, sir.
Right here, sir.
Oh, major.
I just came over to tell you that I am leaving town tomorrow for a couple of days.
And, uh, while I'm gone I'm holding you responsible for my daughter's welfare.
Yes, sir.
I understand, sir.
And remember what I said about Harold.
Oh, you don't have to worry about that, sir.
You can count on Aah.
HAROLD: Aah! What was that? Oh, I just skinned my knuckles.
Shut the door on my hand.
Silly of me.
Don't you worry about your daughter, sir.
Uh, you can depend on me.
I hope so, major.
I Uh Uh [GROANS.]
[GIGGLING.]
[EXHALES.]
Jeannie.
That was the most transcendental experience of my life.
Oh, jeez Jeannie did it.
She just blinked and you disappeared.
Nelson.
Oh, great guru, tell us of your wisdom.
Oh, how nice.
Uh, yes, that's it.
Uh, you see, Jeannie is a student of Eastern mysticism, and all she had to do was concentrate and just willed him into the closet.
[GIGGLING.]
Oh, master.
I will spend the rest of my life at your feet.
Not here you won't.
You're going out in the back door this time.
You're not throwing Harold out, maj.
Oh, yes, I am.
This is my house.
Remember that.
What would Daddy say if he knew your girlfriend was a guru? [MUTTERING.]
You wouldn't do a thing like that, would you? SUZIE: Of course not, maj.
Not as long as you behave yourself.
All together now.
Love! Love.
ALL: Love.
Love.
Master? What? How is this? That's terrible.
Come on.
Huh? We're late.
Oh.
[.]
Huh? Wha? Let's go, maj.
We're all set.
[JEANNIE SQUEALS.]
What have you done to my car? Oh, I think it is very artistic, master.
Look at this thing.
It just Look at this mess.
We're not going anyplace in this thing.
That's for sure.
Okay, I guess Harold and I will just have to go call my father.
Get in.
[CAN CLATTERS.]
[ENGINE STARTS.]
[.]
BELLOWS: Major Nelson.
Oh, my darling master.
Stop.
Eh, Dr.
Bellows.
Huh? Oh.
Major Nelson.
What are you doing in this ridiculous-looking Oh, heh, heh.
I beg your pardon.
I'm sorry.
I I thought you were someone else.
Peace, baby.
[.]
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE.]
Oh, well, excuse me, uh.
Yes, sir.
Oh, uh, um, Major Nelson, you didn't happen to be in the neighborhood of, uh, Palm and Main Street yesterday afternoon, did you? Uh, Palm and Main? Mm.
Um Well, I I saw this car with, uh, "make love, not war" painted on it, and I I could have sworn you were driving.
Palm and Main.
Is that right? I know it sounds ridiculous, but, uh [HORN HONKING.]
Well ROGER: Tony! Tony.
Hey, Tony.
The paint shop can't take your car until Monday.
Thanks, Roge.
What'd he say? Huh? Major Healey.
Major! TONY: I have an explanation, sir.
BELLOWS: I'm sure you have.
I'm sure it's a good one.
Now, Major Nelson, I've got to find out what this is all about.
Major Healey Get this off me! "Make love, not war.
" What's the meaning of this, major? Oh, general.
Uh, the, uh, this Is this your idea of a joke, Healey? Actually, sir, this isn't mine Are you some kind of an overaged hippie? Sir, actually, I'm one of the youngest I see that I'm going to have to make some changes around here.
That's fine, sir.
I'll be running along.
No, you don't, major.
No, I don't, major.
I have a special little assignment for you.
Yes, sir.
MAN [OVER RADIO.]
: Roger.
Oh.
Oh, William, you still awake? [YAWNING.]
I'm drifting off, Roge.
Tell me another joke.
Oh, yeah.
Another joke.
I'm running out of elephant jokes.
Let me see.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a jar of peanut butter? I don't know.
What do you get? [DOOR OPENS.]
TONY: Uh, Roge.
Hey.
Heh.
I'm sorry about that thing with Schaeffer and the car.
Oh, that's all right.
Nothing I'd rather do than sit up all night telling Williams dumb elephant jokes.
[YAWNING.]
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a jar of peanut butter? I'd like to stick around and help you out, but Suzie ordered me back to the house in half an hour.
What do you mean, she ordered you? She's got me over a barrel.
If I don't do everything she says, she's gonna tell her father about Jeannie.
It could be worse.
You could sit here all night telling dumb elephant jokes.
In fact, do you know any elephant jokes? I really haven't got time for it.
I'll see you later.
You all right? Huh? Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
What? Just tell me any joke.
Sorry, Suzie.
It's out of the question.
Oh, but, maj, Harold won't be any trouble.
He hardly eats anything and you've got plenty of room in your pad.
TONY: Absolutely not.
Well, it'll just be for a little while.
Until we get married.
Married? You and Harold are gonna get married? Have you mentioned this to your father? Uh-uh.
That's what you're going to do.
Me? I'm gonna My dear girl, wild horses couldn't get me to mention Harold to your father.
I think that I would rather I dream of Jeannie With the light blond hair [.]
My daughter marry an unwashed hippie? Are you out of your mind?! Yes, sir, I think I think I must be.
He's not such a bad guy, sir.
If you'd just meet him.
You know, just talk to him.
Get out of here before I lose my temper.
Yes, sir.
I wouldn't want you to lose your temper.
Wait.
I have something for you to do.
MAN [OVER RADIO.]
: You're driving me up the wall.
What happens when you cross an elephant with a jar of peanut butter? We're trying to remember We're trying to remember, Joe.
Would you tell him the joke? We've only got another hour here.
Just tell him the joke, will you? I don't know the joke.
I don't even remember telling him any kind of a I'm so tired I can't remember any jokes.
Oh.
Huh? My poor master.
Is there anything I can do to help? Yes.
Would you, please? Would you tell me what happens when you cross an elephant with a A jar of peanut butter.
Oh, that is easy.
Yeah.
You get a jar of peanut butter with a long memory or an elephant that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
[LAUGHING.]
[JOE SNORING OVER RADIO.]
That was it, Joe.
[.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[YAWNS.]
[SNORING.]
Nelson.
Nelson, are you in there? [KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
[KNOCKING RESUMES.]
SCHAEFFER: Nelson, open the door.
[KNOCKING CONTINUES.]
SCHAEFFER: Nelson.
Uh, what? Oof.
Major Nelson.
Major.
What is it? What Whoa.
What took so long? I've been knocking for five minutes.
Uh, heh, uh, well, I was, uh I was just trying to get to sleep, sir.
What are you doing? [YAWNING.]
I was just stretching, sir.
I was trying to wake up.
I've been asleep.
Would you like a cup of orange juice or a glass of coffee? I don't want any coffee.
I want a full report on your assignment last night.
Oh, my assignment.
What was I doing last night? Oh, yes.
Roger and I were Will you let that door go.
No! TONY: Ah, oh, yes, sir.
Let me see.
Roger and I were, um, ah We were working Harold! [CRASHING.]
Daddy.
TONY: Sir, are you all right? Harold's here? Ah, not here.
Ah, well, Nelson, I warned you.
Where is he? I'll kill him! Not in here.
No Aaah! [.]
Harold? How do you do, sir? I'm very glad to make your acquaintance.
That's Harold? That's Harold? That's Harold.
That's Harold.
I do not understand it, master.
After all the trouble we went to to get General Schaeffer to accept Harold, Suzie suddenly decides that she does not like him any longer.
Well, I'll never understand women.
And that goes double for teenagers.
Oh, I feel sorry for Suzie, master.
Mm.
She liked Harold the way he was.
Yeah.
Perhaps I could blink and fix Harold's hair back No, no.
Look, I would need to don't do it.
Jeannie, really, don't do anything.
Uh, I-if you're gonna do anything at all I'd like y-you to fix it so that she forgets she saw you.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
SUZIE: Hey, maj.
Open the door.
Huh? Oh Now Now you You pop out.
Go on, get out.
Oh, master, I like Suzie I know it, but get out.
But your headache Don't come back till she's gone.
All right.
Forget my headache.
Headache Just Please.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
SUZIE: Hey, maj.
[GRUMBLES.]
Uh, I'm sorry, Suzie.
I'm very busy.
[ENGINE REVVING.]
[ENGINE REVVING.]
Meet Herman, maj.
He's going to be staying with you for the next couple of weeks.
Jeannie! Jeannie! [.]
Hi.
Hop in.
Thanks, baby.
Dig you later.
Hey, wait a minute.
What's this all about? [HORN HONKING.]
Go, man.
Light's, like, green.
Huh? Well [HORN HONKING.]
All right.
Okay.
Where do we go? Straight, man, straight.
Okay.
My name's, um, Anthony Nelson.
What's yours? Amarantha Swarupinanda.
TONY [CHUCKLING.]
: What? Oh, I took my name from my last incarnation.
I was an Indian princess.
Congratulations.
Now, this is as far as I go.
I just live around the bend.
[.]
Open the door.
What? Open the door, please.
Hey, what's the matter? It's crisis time, baby.
Open the door! Okay, okay, okay.
Okay, sure.
Well, there you are.
Hey, hey, what's all this about, huh? Cool it, baby, cool it.
Major.
Major.
Yes, sir.
You're Major Nelson? Yes, sir.
I am.
I'm General Winfield Schaeffer, your new neighbor.
Oh.
I didn't know you were moving into the neighborhood, sir.
Oh, well, uh, I'm looking for my daughter.
Oh.
[.]
[.]
[.]
Yeah, she's only 17.
She was to have met me here an hour ago.
She's very susceptible.
It's a dangerous age, 17, Nelson.
Indeed it is, sir, yes.
Hippies.
That's why I brought her to Cocoa Beach where there's none of that nonsense.
[CHUCKLING.]
Yes.
If you see her, let me know, will you? I will do that.
Yes, sir.
Carry on.
Hey.
Um Something wrong, major? No.
No, everything's fine, sir.
[ENGINE STARTS.]
[.]
All right, young lady.
Come on out.
Thanks, maj.
You were groovy.
[CHUCKLING.]
Yeah.
Hey.
Oh, well, don't let Pops shake you.
He's just a little square.
[CHUCKLING.]
Yeah, sure.
What's the idea of the quick change? Freedom, baby, freedom.
You know, if military schools accepted girls, I'd be wearing a uniform.
So we just keep the real me out of sight, right? Wrong.
I'm taking you to your father before this goes any further.
Master.
Yah.
Oh! Oh, I am sorry.
I did not know you had company.
Where'd she come from? Who's she? Oh, I'm Majo She's my housekeeper.
In that groovy, hippie outfit? Major, you're with it.
"With it"? One of us.
Gee, you had me scared there for a minute.
I thought you were gonna turn out to be a fink.
I am gonna turn out to be a fink.
Yes, I am.
You're putting me on.
How can you turn me in as a hippie when you're going with a hippie? [CHUCKLING.]
Oh, Jeannie is not a hippie.
Heh.
Yeah, yeah.
So, like, um, I'll keep your secret and you keep mine, right? I think that's a very good idea.
Peace, beautiful people.
[LAUGHS UNEASILY.]
Oh, is that not a lovely thought, master? Peace.
I think we're in for war.
Tony.
Oh, hi, Jeannie.
Oh, have I got terrible news for you.
A general just moved in next door.
A general just moved in next door.
Yeah.
And he's got a daughter named Suzie that's seen Jeannie.
Uh-oh.
My master told her I was the housekeeper.
[GIGGLES.]
Is that not clever? I don't know about his daughter, but the general is a holy terror.
He's in charge of military discipline for the whole NASA installation.
He goes around shaking everybody up.
Shaking Did you hear that? He goes from base to base shaking everybody up.
So, major, how's it going? Oh! What are you doing here? This This is the general's daughter? Is he cool? JEANNIE: Oh, yes, he is my master's best friend.
Peace, baby.
Always happy to meet another beautiful person.
Listen, if your father finds you here, I'm gonna be in a lot Oh, stay loose, maj.
Pop thinks I'm asleep.
[DOORBELL CHIMES.]
Oh, that makes everything fine.
Thinks she's asleep.
Yeah.
Welcome to the crash pad, people.
Come on in.
[CROWD CHATTERING.]
[TONY SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
A house party, man.
A housewarming.
Yeah, but it's my house! Oh, I know, major.
We couldn't have it at my pad.
Not with Daddy there.
What's with him? Harold's on a hunger strike.
What for? No bread, man.
No bread.
[EXHALES.]
Say, listen.
Uh, you've gotta get rid of these people.
I mean I'm not kidding.
[BAND PLAYING ROCK MUSIC.]
[SHOUTING.]
Hey, hold it down, will ya? [ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES.]
BAND: I know You're so pretty Temperature's risin' On the city And I'm cryin' In the dawn Hold it.
Please.
Come on.
Please.
I walk to the corner Turn around Come back again There's no place to go No place I ain't been In the city Oh Whoa, oh Lonely city I wander I don't want the day Turn around Gimme that sundown So bring on the sundown Bring on the night So I can lose myself In the light of the downtown In the city Oh, baby Lonely city Hey, could you hold it down, please.
Ah.
Heh.
Fellas.
Yes.
Oof.
[SCREAMS.]
Love.
Love.
Love.
HIPPIE: Man, that's poetry.
Could you get him out of here? HIPPIE: Can't, man.
Once he starts meditating, there's no way.
Love.
Now, look, ladies.
Oh, sorry.
Um Hey.
Would you quiet down, please? It's my neighbors.
You Hey Hey.
Hey Hey, could you cool it? Cool it? Would you cut it My neighbors are gonna Hey, would you? Hey, man, don't spoil my trip, baby.
Fellas, please! Roger, remember who you are, will you? What a great-sounding garbage can.
Hey.
Suzie.
Suzie, would you, please It is I, master.
Is this not fun? Would you take that silly outfit off, please? Oh, but, master, it is my thing.
[SHOUTING.]
Please, quiet! BAND: Bring on the sundown [MOUTHING WORDS.]
So I can lose myself In the light What in blazes is going on in there in the middle of the night? Uh, going on, sir? I am waiting for an answer.
Somebody should have warned you before you moved in.
Warned me? That you have ear-splitting parties in the middle of the week? It's not here, sir.
It's the house behind us.
Very noisy people.
I've been putting up with them for years.
The house behind you? Yes.
Major, that horrible noise is coming from right in there.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
An ice-cream truck playing rock at 3:00 in the morning? I can't hear you, sir.
Of course you can't hear me with that infernal racket.
I'm sorry, major.
I think I picked the wrong neighborhood to move into.
Will you stop the music? Hey, will you? Fella? Hey? [LAUGHING.]
Will you stop the music? It's 4 It's Do you know what time it is? Will you just cut the music out.
Ah.
Oh.
At ease, major.
Thank you, sir.
Dr.
Bellows tells me that you're an exemplary [SIGHING.]
officer.
Oh, Dr.
Bellows General Schaeffer wants a chaperon for his daughter when he's away from Cocoa Beach.
Oh, a chaperon, sir.
You will escort Suzanne to museums, concerts and other cultural events.
It will keep her out of trouble.
Um, sir, I'm kind of tied up in a project And you will see that this person never comes near her.
Who is it, sir? It's a It calls itself Harold.
It's a dirty, filthy, disreputable hippie.
And if he ever comes near Suzie again, I'll kill him.
Do you get the message? Yes, sir.
I get the message.
Love.
Love.
Love.
Love.
Isn't it gassy? That's Harold's latest new poem.
Oh, it is beautiful.
But But do you not think we should get him something to eat? He does not look well.
Well, he punishes himself for art.
I was just a square until I met Harold.
He made me what I am today.
Love.
TONY: Jeannie! Love Oh, here we are, master.
TONY: Hi, listen, I Maj, meet your new roommate.
TONY: Harold.
Young man, would you? Would you just? I don't want to interfere in your private life, young lady, but, uh, your father told me I had to chaperon you all over Cocoa Beach.
Oh, that's groovy, maj.
We can double date.
You and Jeannie, and Harold and me.
Yeah.
No.
Not Not Harold.
He's out.
If If your father even sees you with Harold, he's gonna skin you alive.
And me too, for allowing it.
No, I'll never give up Harold! He's my guru.
You're gonna have to forget your guru Master? What? Master, the general just drove up and I think he is coming here.
He's coming here? In the kitchen.
Are you sure he's coming here? Yes, master.
You're certain? In the kitchen too.
Yes, master.
Harold, you get Master! Oh Oh Oh, master.
Yes, what day is it? Pick yourself up and act like a man, will you? Huh? Harold? I want you to get him out of here.
Will you? Quickly, get him out.
Uh Uh.
Do you understand me? Huh? Good.
Good.
In the kitchen.
Yes, master.
Now, don't panic.
No, master.
Right.
Ah-whoo.
You are so clever, master.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
SCHAEFFER: Major.
Major Major Nelson.
Yes, sir.
Right here, sir.
Oh, major.
I just came over to tell you that I am leaving town tomorrow for a couple of days.
And, uh, while I'm gone I'm holding you responsible for my daughter's welfare.
Yes, sir.
I understand, sir.
And remember what I said about Harold.
Oh, you don't have to worry about that, sir.
You can count on Aah.
HAROLD: Aah! What was that? Oh, I just skinned my knuckles.
Shut the door on my hand.
Silly of me.
Don't you worry about your daughter, sir.
Uh, you can depend on me.
I hope so, major.
I Uh Uh [GROANS.]
[GIGGLING.]
[EXHALES.]
Jeannie.
That was the most transcendental experience of my life.
Oh, jeez Jeannie did it.
She just blinked and you disappeared.
Nelson.
Oh, great guru, tell us of your wisdom.
Oh, how nice.
Uh, yes, that's it.
Uh, you see, Jeannie is a student of Eastern mysticism, and all she had to do was concentrate and just willed him into the closet.
[GIGGLING.]
Oh, master.
I will spend the rest of my life at your feet.
Not here you won't.
You're going out in the back door this time.
You're not throwing Harold out, maj.
Oh, yes, I am.
This is my house.
Remember that.
What would Daddy say if he knew your girlfriend was a guru? [MUTTERING.]
You wouldn't do a thing like that, would you? SUZIE: Of course not, maj.
Not as long as you behave yourself.
All together now.
Love! Love.
ALL: Love.
Love.
Master? What? How is this? That's terrible.
Come on.
Huh? We're late.
Oh.
[.]
Huh? Wha? Let's go, maj.
We're all set.
[JEANNIE SQUEALS.]
What have you done to my car? Oh, I think it is very artistic, master.
Look at this thing.
It just Look at this mess.
We're not going anyplace in this thing.
That's for sure.
Okay, I guess Harold and I will just have to go call my father.
Get in.
[CAN CLATTERS.]
[ENGINE STARTS.]
[.]
BELLOWS: Major Nelson.
Oh, my darling master.
Stop.
Eh, Dr.
Bellows.
Huh? Oh.
Major Nelson.
What are you doing in this ridiculous-looking Oh, heh, heh.
I beg your pardon.
I'm sorry.
I I thought you were someone else.
Peace, baby.
[.]
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE.]
Oh, well, excuse me, uh.
Yes, sir.
Oh, uh, um, Major Nelson, you didn't happen to be in the neighborhood of, uh, Palm and Main Street yesterday afternoon, did you? Uh, Palm and Main? Mm.
Um Well, I I saw this car with, uh, "make love, not war" painted on it, and I I could have sworn you were driving.
Palm and Main.
Is that right? I know it sounds ridiculous, but, uh [HORN HONKING.]
Well ROGER: Tony! Tony.
Hey, Tony.
The paint shop can't take your car until Monday.
Thanks, Roge.
What'd he say? Huh? Major Healey.
Major! TONY: I have an explanation, sir.
BELLOWS: I'm sure you have.
I'm sure it's a good one.
Now, Major Nelson, I've got to find out what this is all about.
Major Healey Get this off me! "Make love, not war.
" What's the meaning of this, major? Oh, general.
Uh, the, uh, this Is this your idea of a joke, Healey? Actually, sir, this isn't mine Are you some kind of an overaged hippie? Sir, actually, I'm one of the youngest I see that I'm going to have to make some changes around here.
That's fine, sir.
I'll be running along.
No, you don't, major.
No, I don't, major.
I have a special little assignment for you.
Yes, sir.
MAN [OVER RADIO.]
: Roger.
Oh.
Oh, William, you still awake? [YAWNING.]
I'm drifting off, Roge.
Tell me another joke.
Oh, yeah.
Another joke.
I'm running out of elephant jokes.
Let me see.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a jar of peanut butter? I don't know.
What do you get? [DOOR OPENS.]
TONY: Uh, Roge.
Hey.
Heh.
I'm sorry about that thing with Schaeffer and the car.
Oh, that's all right.
Nothing I'd rather do than sit up all night telling Williams dumb elephant jokes.
[YAWNING.]
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a jar of peanut butter? I'd like to stick around and help you out, but Suzie ordered me back to the house in half an hour.
What do you mean, she ordered you? She's got me over a barrel.
If I don't do everything she says, she's gonna tell her father about Jeannie.
It could be worse.
You could sit here all night telling dumb elephant jokes.
In fact, do you know any elephant jokes? I really haven't got time for it.
I'll see you later.
You all right? Huh? Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
What? Just tell me any joke.
Sorry, Suzie.
It's out of the question.
Oh, but, maj, Harold won't be any trouble.
He hardly eats anything and you've got plenty of room in your pad.
TONY: Absolutely not.
Well, it'll just be for a little while.
Until we get married.
Married? You and Harold are gonna get married? Have you mentioned this to your father? Uh-uh.
That's what you're going to do.
Me? I'm gonna My dear girl, wild horses couldn't get me to mention Harold to your father.
I think that I would rather I dream of Jeannie With the light blond hair [.]
My daughter marry an unwashed hippie? Are you out of your mind?! Yes, sir, I think I think I must be.
He's not such a bad guy, sir.
If you'd just meet him.
You know, just talk to him.
Get out of here before I lose my temper.
Yes, sir.
I wouldn't want you to lose your temper.
Wait.
I have something for you to do.
MAN [OVER RADIO.]
: You're driving me up the wall.
What happens when you cross an elephant with a jar of peanut butter? We're trying to remember We're trying to remember, Joe.
Would you tell him the joke? We've only got another hour here.
Just tell him the joke, will you? I don't know the joke.
I don't even remember telling him any kind of a I'm so tired I can't remember any jokes.
Oh.
Huh? My poor master.
Is there anything I can do to help? Yes.
Would you, please? Would you tell me what happens when you cross an elephant with a A jar of peanut butter.
Oh, that is easy.
Yeah.
You get a jar of peanut butter with a long memory or an elephant that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
[LAUGHING.]
[JOE SNORING OVER RADIO.]
That was it, Joe.
[.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[YAWNS.]
[SNORING.]
Nelson.
Nelson, are you in there? [KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
[KNOCKING RESUMES.]
SCHAEFFER: Nelson, open the door.
[KNOCKING CONTINUES.]
SCHAEFFER: Nelson.
Uh, what? Oof.
Major Nelson.
Major.
What is it? What Whoa.
What took so long? I've been knocking for five minutes.
Uh, heh, uh, well, I was, uh I was just trying to get to sleep, sir.
What are you doing? [YAWNING.]
I was just stretching, sir.
I was trying to wake up.
I've been asleep.
Would you like a cup of orange juice or a glass of coffee? I don't want any coffee.
I want a full report on your assignment last night.
Oh, my assignment.
What was I doing last night? Oh, yes.
Roger and I were Will you let that door go.
No! TONY: Ah, oh, yes, sir.
Let me see.
Roger and I were, um, ah We were working Harold! [CRASHING.]
Daddy.
TONY: Sir, are you all right? Harold's here? Ah, not here.
Ah, well, Nelson, I warned you.
Where is he? I'll kill him! Not in here.
No Aaah! [.]
Harold? How do you do, sir? I'm very glad to make your acquaintance.
That's Harold? That's Harold? That's Harold.
That's Harold.
I do not understand it, master.
After all the trouble we went to to get General Schaeffer to accept Harold, Suzie suddenly decides that she does not like him any longer.
Well, I'll never understand women.
And that goes double for teenagers.
Oh, I feel sorry for Suzie, master.
Mm.
She liked Harold the way he was.
Yeah.
Perhaps I could blink and fix Harold's hair back No, no.
Look, I would need to don't do it.
Jeannie, really, don't do anything.
Uh, I-if you're gonna do anything at all I'd like y-you to fix it so that she forgets she saw you.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
SUZIE: Hey, maj.
Open the door.
Huh? Oh Now Now you You pop out.
Go on, get out.
Oh, master, I like Suzie I know it, but get out.
But your headache Don't come back till she's gone.
All right.
Forget my headache.
Headache Just Please.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
SUZIE: Hey, maj.
[GRUMBLES.]
Uh, I'm sorry, Suzie.
I'm very busy.
[ENGINE REVVING.]
[ENGINE REVVING.]
Meet Herman, maj.
He's going to be staying with you for the next couple of weeks.
Jeannie! Jeannie! [.]