I Dream of Jeannie (1965) s04e13 Episode Script
The Case of My Vanishing Master (1)
[.]
Major Nelson.
You're gonna be surprised by what I'm about to say, but I want you to understand that the need for secrecy is imperative.
Absolutely imperative.
There's a security leak at this base.
A security leak? You mean, a spy? Well Well, where? How? Have you caught him yet? No, we have not caught him.
We don't even know who he is.
All we know is that they're after your new modification plan of the Apollo 12 capsule.
Apollo 12? Mmm.
That's the most closely-guarded secret on this base.
There must be some kind of precautions we can take.
Exactly.
Therefore, General Peterson has decided to remove you from the base until you've finished your design.
An excellent idea, sir.
Where'll I be going? Well, I don't know.
The location has to be selected by the Computer Section.
It'll even be kept a secret from you.
That's wise.
That's very wise.
And that way, I won't be able to give away the location, even by a slip of the tongue.
I'm glad you're in agreement, major, because you're to leave now.
Now? That's right.
[SIGHS.]
Oh, uh, come in, men.
Uh, I can go home and, uh, pick up a few things, sir, and throw 'em in a bag and be on my way You, uh, don't seem to understand, major.
Now means now.
Get in.
In there? Uh, sir, there are arrangements I'd have to make That's all been taken care of.
Now, good luck, major.
But, sir, if If I could just make a phone call There we are.
Now Dr.
Bellows, if I could make one phone call Take him away, men.
Easy.
Mm-hm.
You can come out now.
Major Nelson is gone.
Perfect.
Absolutely perfect.
[.]
[.]
All right, Pomfret, that was your first real peek at Major Nelson, other than films.
What'd you think? [NASALLY VOICE.]
An uncomplicated type.
You were wise in not telling him where he was going.
I doubt if he could keep a secret from anybody.
Oh, by the way, where is this secret destination? I don't know, and, uh, there's no need for you to know either.
Uh, now then, Pomfret.
From the moment you leave this office, you are Major Anthony Nelson.
Don't worry, sir.
No one could possibly penetrate my cover.
Then stop talking like that.
You've had ample time to study the films of Major Nelson.
Oh, and there's, uh, one thing to remember: To avoid Major Healey as much as possible.
And I'd advise you to spend a lot of time at Major Nelson's house.
Since he lives there alone, there won't be any danger.
Understood.
Shall I assume my duties now? Right.
Very observant.
[.]
Oh, by the way, Dr.
Bellows, I wonder if I could use your phone, sir.
Now, Major Nelson, I've told you before about this pho See? I even had you fooled for a second.
I've noticed that Major Nelson looks very worried around you.
[WHISTLING.]
Excuse me, sir.
Moving out the skeleton in somebody's closet? [CHUCKLES.]
[BANG.]
Some room in there.
Ha, ha, ha.
"Skeleton in somebody's closet.
" [WHISTLING.]
Hi, Roge.
Hi, Tony.
How are you? Oh, listen.
Uh, about that top-secret.
Uh, there's been a little change.
Top-secret? Yeah.
Here's, uh Here's tonight's menu.
I decided on truffled, uh, grouse instead of the tournedos Rossini.
Um, what's the menu for, Roge? It's the menu for tonight's dinner.
Oh, tonight's dinner, yes.
Sure, at your place, eh? At my place? You know I couldn't cook a dinner like that.
I'll see you at 7, huh? Right you are, Roge.
Seven.
Okay.
[SIGHS.]
"Oysters Rockefeller, truffled grouse, "baked Alaska and Persian melon from Persia.
" and baked Alaska.
But you didn't tell me Nelson was a gourmet cook.
Research must have slipped up on that.
Well, it can't be helped.
You'll have to prepare the dinner Major Healey expects.
Can you do it? Positive.
I once impersonated a chef who was a secret agent for de Gaulle.
[.]
Is this really necessary? Sorry, sir.
Orders.
Even the plane goes on automatic pilot when we reach our destination.
But nobody's gonna know where we are.
There's one thing I know.
We're going fast.
It's all that time in orbit.
Gives 'em an incredible sense of direction.
Yeah.
Stand up, please, major.
Huh? We're gonna do something about that sense of direction.
Oh.
[.]
[MUTTERING.]
Baked Alaska [GRUNTS.]
Oh! My poor master.
Oh, your head.
Are you all right? Yeah.
Who are you? Oh.
He does not even remember my name.
I am your Jeannie.
What?! Oh.
Oh, there, there, there.
My poor master.
Do not worry.
I will make you well again.
Uh, all right.
I'm all right.
I'm I'm fine, miss.
Jeannie.
Do you not even remember my name? Oh, of course I do.
Yes, of course I do.
Huh.
I'll be fine, Jeannie.
You just, uh, go on and do, uh, what you usually do.
Oh, thank Allah.
Heh.
Well, you see, today is my usual day for housecleaning, but I did not expect you so early.
But I will be finished in a trice.
[GIGGLES.]
Oh, right.
Nelson's maid.
In that outfit? [.]
Master? What are you doing? Oh, just truffling a grouse.
Uh, Rockefellering some oysters, you know.
I do? [CHUCKLES.]
You haven't been around long enough to see me in action.
Master, what is the matter? Matter? Ma? Nothing.
Absolutely nothing's the matter.
Why don't you go finish your housework, hm? I have finished.
Well, how could you finish? You just started.
See for yourself.
No.
I I believe you.
I believe you.
Well, I'll see you next time.
Next time? Yes.
Oh, I am sorry.
I forgot My hands are a little sticky.
I forgot to pay you.
Here, just Just take whatever I owe you, huh? Pay me? Oh! Oh, master! Now, what on earth is the matter with her? I tell you, the servant problem these days is something else.
[SNIFFS.]
[POTS BANGING.]
Oh! Pay me? [RUMBLING.]
Jeannie.
What a time for an earthquake.
[.]
Hey, listen, fellas, when you get back to the base, would you do me a favor? Uh, if you call my house, please, and tell my maid that I won't be home for a while.
Sorry, major.
No communications from you are allowed.
Yeah, but this is important.
One step backward, please.
Oh, all right, but I [SCREAMS.]
Sure is a beautiful place.
I'd love to take a vacation there.
You'll wanna take at least a week.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Tony, I'm here.
Boy, I'm so hungry I could eat a bear.
Oh, hi, Jeannie.
[SOBS.]
Oh, what's the? What's the matter? [CRYING.]
I I do not know what is the matter, Major Healey.
It is my master.
He is acting so strangely.
He He He offered to pay me for cleaning the house! Oh, I don't blame you.
He's been getting free maid service for a long time.
[JEANNIE CRYING.]
ROGER: Oh, now, take it easy.
Whoa, that's all right.
Take it easy.
Aw, aw, pumpkin.
Aw.
[SOBBING.]
Aw.
Oh.
That's his girlfriend.
No wonder.
What am I gonna do about this meal? [CLEARS THROAT.]
Hi, Roge, old pal.
Well, you finally put Jeannie on the payroll.
Oh.
Jeannie, I'm sorry about, uh, this afternoon.
I was tired and hot.
I'd had a hard day at the office, you know.
Hey.
All fixed up.
I am sorry too, master.
[CHUCKLES.]
It was a misunderstanding.
Now that we're all friends again, how 'bout making Tony's favorite drink? A Baghdad Camel.
Yes, a Baghdad Camel would certainly hit the spot right about now.
Right away, master.
Uh, I'm sorry about dinner, but I'm afraid Here we are, master.
Fantastic.
Mmm.
To a pleasant evening.
You, uh, had 'em all ready, huh? Boy.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Mmm.
Delicious.
As always.
Look, kids, about dinner.
I'm afraid the earthquake destroyed everything.
Do you mind going out for dinner tonight? Well Well Well, what earthquake? The earthquake that demolished the kitchen about two hours ago.
I didn't feel any earthquake.
Well, it demolished the kitchen and everything in it.
As a matter of fact Oh, master.
This room looks all right.
Ah Master, I am sorry.
Heh.
That was no earthquake.
That was me.
You? Mm-hm.
Yes.
I was just a little bit angry with you, so I: [MUSIC CHIMES.]
Yeah.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
[LAUGHS.]
Do not worry, master.
I-I will fix everything.
[STAMMERING.]
No, you don't Don't go in there, it's [POMFRET STAMMERING.]
[MAGIC BOINGS.]
Hey, that looks great.
Let's eat.
Hey, how did you? How did you do that? They were all over the kitchen.
[YELLS.]
Something wrong, master? No.
[.]
Good evening, Major Nelson.
Dr.
Bellows.
I thought the television was for relaxation.
You're not there to relax, major.
We've arranged to cut in for communications with Cocoa Beach.
Twice a day at 12 noon and again at 12 midnight, your time.
Right, sir.
Two times a day.
Correct.
And remember, this project is important.
Uh, how's the work going? Oh, just fine, sir.
Just fine.
Uh, but I do have a few questions.
I wanna show you a tape, major.
It was made several weeks ago.
I think it will explain everything.
I don't remember making any tape, sir.
Major Nelson, meet Major Nelson.
[.]
Hi, Tony.
I know we haven't met, but I feel I know you well enough to call you Tony.
It's Eh, that's me.
No, no, it couldn't be me.
Yes, it is me.
BELLOWS: Relax, major.
That man is an intelligence agent with theatrical training.
He's a dead ringer for you, and no one will notice a discrepancy.
Not even if he's having dinner with Major Healey at your house.
That's That's really remarkable, sir.
It would fool prac It won't work.
It won't work, Dr.
Bellows.
Well, of course it will.
It's working now.
Major Healey has already accepted him as you.
What's the matter, major? Nothing, sir.
It's not Major Healey I'm worried about.
Well, Jeannie.
Where's old Roge? Oh, he went home.
Home? Mm-hm.
[CAR STARTS.]
Healey! Healey, you forgot Jeannie! Roger? [CAR DEPARTS.]
He's gone.
And you're still here.
Of course I am still here.
Master, are you sure you feel all right? I'm fine.
Fine, fine.
Uh, listen, Jeannie, ahem, it was great of good old Roge to allow you to help with my housecleaning.
But what does Major Healey But there's no reason for you to stay and do the, uh, dishes.
I can do them myself.
They are done.
Mm.
Yes.
That's fine.
Good Good little worker, aren't you? Uh, he probably forgot.
Shall we go? Go where, master? Home? Master? We are home.
All right, she's not the maid, and she's not Healey's girlfriend.
Jeannie, uh Ahem.
I've been thinking, uh How long has it been since we first, uh, met? Oh, well, it has been a long time, master.
I have been so happy that the time has just flown by.
Well, you know how your memory plays tricks on you.
I I can't for the life of me remember, uh, when we first got together.
Do you mean our anniversary? Yes, our anniversary.
The anniversary of our marriage.
Marriage? Oh, master.
Oh, master, that is why you have been acting so strangely.
After all these years, you are finally going to ask me to marry you.
Oh! I am ready! Oh! You darling thing.
Everyone will be so happy.
No, no, no.
Wait till I tell my mother.
No, no.
You've got the wrong idea.
She won't believe it.
She will not believe it.
Oh, master, darling, goodbye.
I'm going to go tell everyone.
You've made me the happiest genie in the world.
[JEANNIE LAUGHS.]
That That's not the idea at all.
Jeannie? Jeannie? Jeannie? Nelson's gonna kill me.
Let's see.
I wonder if I can get Jeannie here.
At least I'll know what's going on.
What am I talking about? I don't even know what hemisphere I'm in.
[.]
Fresh air.
Sure does give you an appetite.
Let's see what I have for lunch.
Veal cutlet.
My favorite.
Mm-mm.
Ridiculous.
I was simply intoxicated.
She won't even be here this morning.
[POMFRET GASPS.]
Oh! Oh, master.
It does not matter if you see the bride before the wedding.
I want you to meet the Right Reverend Ibn Bernouli.
Uh, do I have to? [COUGHS.]
[SPEAKING ARABIC.]
He says that he is honored to meet you, master, and honored to perform the marriage ceremony according to the ancient rites.
How do you do? [SPEAKING IN ARABIC.]
He says that he is all choked up, master, because he performed this very same ceremony for my mama and papa over 5000 years ago.
Five thousand years ago.
As a matter of fact, I believe he was at their wedding anniversary just last year.
Well, when you marry people, they really stay married, don't they? [SPEAKING IN ARABIC.]
[CHUCKLES.]
[SCREAMS.]
Master, wait! Wait! Oh [SPEAKING IN ARABIC.]
He has just gone to, uh Uh To get a marriage license.
That is it.
In America, one needs a license for everything.
[SPEAKING IN ARABIC.]
America.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Come in.
Well, major.
Everything go all right? Negative, Dr.
Bellows.
I'm drunk.
Yes.
That's the only explanation, sir.
She fed me a Baghdad Camel last night, and it must have been pure alcohol, because from the first sip, I was smashed.
I began to see things.
I still think I'm smashed.
Don't be ridiculous, major.
Look at you.
You're neatly dressed.
Your eyes aren't bloodshot.
You didn't stagger, your speech isn't slurred.
Nevertheless, wait till I tell you what I saw.
Oh, I can hardly wait.
Major Healey, are you in the habit of barging into a superior officer's office? I'm sorry, sir.
Looking for Major Nelson.
I gotta talk to you right away.
Later, Roge.
When I sober up.
When you sober up? Ah, Major Nelson is intoxicated.
That's impose Impossible, sir.
He doesn't drink.
Oh, yeah? Um What was in that Baghdad Camel last night? Pablum? I never saw anything like it, sir.
Uh, plates appearing and then disappearing, a-a turkey that carves itself, a-a baked Alaska just suddenly appearing out of nowhere.
He's drunk, that's right.
Stoned.
Very stoned.
Look at that.
Bloodshot eyes there, tie all crooked and wobbly.
Now, is that the Tony Nelson we know, sir? All right.
I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.
Come along, major.
We're going to the lab and take a blood sample.
We'll soon find out what's wrong with you.
Major Healey.
TONY [OVER TV.]
: Dr.
Bellows.
Dr.
Bellows? Dr.
Bellows, I've gotta talk to you.
Tony? Tony, what are you doing on television? Roger, thank goodness it's you.
We're in terrible trouble.
I'll say we are.
What's the idea of telling Dr.
Bellows about Jeannie? What are you talking about? Just now, when you walked out of the office.
How could you walk out of the office and be on TV? It wasn't me, Roge.
It wasn't you.
Of course it wasn't you.
I mean, you wouldn't act like that.
It wasn't you? Look, there's a phony Tony on the loose.
Now listen.
I don't know how much time we've got.
Yeah.
I think I better.
Bellows Tony? Tony, come back.
Come back.
[MAN SPEAKING SPANISH OVER TV.]
Ah.
He's somewhere in France.
[.]
[SPEAKING IN ARABIC.]
[STAMMERS.]
A-as soon as the sands run out, you must go? Oh, b-but what if my master does not return? [SPEAKS IN ARABIC.]
[GASPS.]
All right, Reverend.
As soon as the sands run out.
You see, major, not a trace of alcohol in your blood.
You're stone-cold sober.
Well, sir Sir, in that case, there's only one other explanation.
I'm really seeing those things.
Well, Major Nelson.
For the first time since I've known you, you admit it.
I admit nothing.
Oh.
I'm sorry, I almost forgot.
I thought for a moment you were the real Major Nelson.
Well, nevertheless, come on.
This time, I think we've got him.
We're going to the house and see what's really going on.
Oh! Oh! Oh! I'll I'll I'll I'll take him, sir.
A cold shower and hot coffee will fix him up Uh, no, there's no need, major.
Major Nelson and I are going to his house and see what's going on.
Major Healey, if you don't mind.
Oh.
[.]
Pomfret, I want you to know that I was against substituting you for Major Nelson from the start.
But if you really can show me any proof of any funny business going on at Proof positive, sir.
She wears a funny little outfit like she came out of an Arabian harem.
No.
Extraordinary.
Yes.
She blinks her eyes, and things pop in and out.
Vacuum cleaners, baked Alaskans, chickens.
[.]
Major Nelson.
You're gonna be surprised by what I'm about to say, but I want you to understand that the need for secrecy is imperative.
Absolutely imperative.
There's a security leak at this base.
A security leak? You mean, a spy? Well Well, where? How? Have you caught him yet? No, we have not caught him.
We don't even know who he is.
All we know is that they're after your new modification plan of the Apollo 12 capsule.
Apollo 12? Mmm.
That's the most closely-guarded secret on this base.
There must be some kind of precautions we can take.
Exactly.
Therefore, General Peterson has decided to remove you from the base until you've finished your design.
An excellent idea, sir.
Where'll I be going? Well, I don't know.
The location has to be selected by the Computer Section.
It'll even be kept a secret from you.
That's wise.
That's very wise.
And that way, I won't be able to give away the location, even by a slip of the tongue.
I'm glad you're in agreement, major, because you're to leave now.
Now? That's right.
[SIGHS.]
Oh, uh, come in, men.
Uh, I can go home and, uh, pick up a few things, sir, and throw 'em in a bag and be on my way You, uh, don't seem to understand, major.
Now means now.
Get in.
In there? Uh, sir, there are arrangements I'd have to make That's all been taken care of.
Now, good luck, major.
But, sir, if If I could just make a phone call There we are.
Now Dr.
Bellows, if I could make one phone call Take him away, men.
Easy.
Mm-hm.
You can come out now.
Major Nelson is gone.
Perfect.
Absolutely perfect.
[.]
[.]
All right, Pomfret, that was your first real peek at Major Nelson, other than films.
What'd you think? [NASALLY VOICE.]
An uncomplicated type.
You were wise in not telling him where he was going.
I doubt if he could keep a secret from anybody.
Oh, by the way, where is this secret destination? I don't know, and, uh, there's no need for you to know either.
Uh, now then, Pomfret.
From the moment you leave this office, you are Major Anthony Nelson.
Don't worry, sir.
No one could possibly penetrate my cover.
Then stop talking like that.
You've had ample time to study the films of Major Nelson.
Oh, and there's, uh, one thing to remember: To avoid Major Healey as much as possible.
And I'd advise you to spend a lot of time at Major Nelson's house.
Since he lives there alone, there won't be any danger.
Understood.
Shall I assume my duties now? Right.
Very observant.
[.]
Oh, by the way, Dr.
Bellows, I wonder if I could use your phone, sir.
Now, Major Nelson, I've told you before about this pho See? I even had you fooled for a second.
I've noticed that Major Nelson looks very worried around you.
[WHISTLING.]
Excuse me, sir.
Moving out the skeleton in somebody's closet? [CHUCKLES.]
[BANG.]
Some room in there.
Ha, ha, ha.
"Skeleton in somebody's closet.
" [WHISTLING.]
Hi, Roge.
Hi, Tony.
How are you? Oh, listen.
Uh, about that top-secret.
Uh, there's been a little change.
Top-secret? Yeah.
Here's, uh Here's tonight's menu.
I decided on truffled, uh, grouse instead of the tournedos Rossini.
Um, what's the menu for, Roge? It's the menu for tonight's dinner.
Oh, tonight's dinner, yes.
Sure, at your place, eh? At my place? You know I couldn't cook a dinner like that.
I'll see you at 7, huh? Right you are, Roge.
Seven.
Okay.
[SIGHS.]
"Oysters Rockefeller, truffled grouse, "baked Alaska and Persian melon from Persia.
" and baked Alaska.
But you didn't tell me Nelson was a gourmet cook.
Research must have slipped up on that.
Well, it can't be helped.
You'll have to prepare the dinner Major Healey expects.
Can you do it? Positive.
I once impersonated a chef who was a secret agent for de Gaulle.
[.]
Is this really necessary? Sorry, sir.
Orders.
Even the plane goes on automatic pilot when we reach our destination.
But nobody's gonna know where we are.
There's one thing I know.
We're going fast.
It's all that time in orbit.
Gives 'em an incredible sense of direction.
Yeah.
Stand up, please, major.
Huh? We're gonna do something about that sense of direction.
Oh.
[.]
[MUTTERING.]
Baked Alaska [GRUNTS.]
Oh! My poor master.
Oh, your head.
Are you all right? Yeah.
Who are you? Oh.
He does not even remember my name.
I am your Jeannie.
What?! Oh.
Oh, there, there, there.
My poor master.
Do not worry.
I will make you well again.
Uh, all right.
I'm all right.
I'm I'm fine, miss.
Jeannie.
Do you not even remember my name? Oh, of course I do.
Yes, of course I do.
Huh.
I'll be fine, Jeannie.
You just, uh, go on and do, uh, what you usually do.
Oh, thank Allah.
Heh.
Well, you see, today is my usual day for housecleaning, but I did not expect you so early.
But I will be finished in a trice.
[GIGGLES.]
Oh, right.
Nelson's maid.
In that outfit? [.]
Master? What are you doing? Oh, just truffling a grouse.
Uh, Rockefellering some oysters, you know.
I do? [CHUCKLES.]
You haven't been around long enough to see me in action.
Master, what is the matter? Matter? Ma? Nothing.
Absolutely nothing's the matter.
Why don't you go finish your housework, hm? I have finished.
Well, how could you finish? You just started.
See for yourself.
No.
I I believe you.
I believe you.
Well, I'll see you next time.
Next time? Yes.
Oh, I am sorry.
I forgot My hands are a little sticky.
I forgot to pay you.
Here, just Just take whatever I owe you, huh? Pay me? Oh! Oh, master! Now, what on earth is the matter with her? I tell you, the servant problem these days is something else.
[SNIFFS.]
[POTS BANGING.]
Oh! Pay me? [RUMBLING.]
Jeannie.
What a time for an earthquake.
[.]
Hey, listen, fellas, when you get back to the base, would you do me a favor? Uh, if you call my house, please, and tell my maid that I won't be home for a while.
Sorry, major.
No communications from you are allowed.
Yeah, but this is important.
One step backward, please.
Oh, all right, but I [SCREAMS.]
Sure is a beautiful place.
I'd love to take a vacation there.
You'll wanna take at least a week.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Tony, I'm here.
Boy, I'm so hungry I could eat a bear.
Oh, hi, Jeannie.
[SOBS.]
Oh, what's the? What's the matter? [CRYING.]
I I do not know what is the matter, Major Healey.
It is my master.
He is acting so strangely.
He He He offered to pay me for cleaning the house! Oh, I don't blame you.
He's been getting free maid service for a long time.
[JEANNIE CRYING.]
ROGER: Oh, now, take it easy.
Whoa, that's all right.
Take it easy.
Aw, aw, pumpkin.
Aw.
[SOBBING.]
Aw.
Oh.
That's his girlfriend.
No wonder.
What am I gonna do about this meal? [CLEARS THROAT.]
Hi, Roge, old pal.
Well, you finally put Jeannie on the payroll.
Oh.
Jeannie, I'm sorry about, uh, this afternoon.
I was tired and hot.
I'd had a hard day at the office, you know.
Hey.
All fixed up.
I am sorry too, master.
[CHUCKLES.]
It was a misunderstanding.
Now that we're all friends again, how 'bout making Tony's favorite drink? A Baghdad Camel.
Yes, a Baghdad Camel would certainly hit the spot right about now.
Right away, master.
Uh, I'm sorry about dinner, but I'm afraid Here we are, master.
Fantastic.
Mmm.
To a pleasant evening.
You, uh, had 'em all ready, huh? Boy.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Mmm.
Delicious.
As always.
Look, kids, about dinner.
I'm afraid the earthquake destroyed everything.
Do you mind going out for dinner tonight? Well Well Well, what earthquake? The earthquake that demolished the kitchen about two hours ago.
I didn't feel any earthquake.
Well, it demolished the kitchen and everything in it.
As a matter of fact Oh, master.
This room looks all right.
Ah Master, I am sorry.
Heh.
That was no earthquake.
That was me.
You? Mm-hm.
Yes.
I was just a little bit angry with you, so I: [MUSIC CHIMES.]
Yeah.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
[LAUGHS.]
Do not worry, master.
I-I will fix everything.
[STAMMERING.]
No, you don't Don't go in there, it's [POMFRET STAMMERING.]
[MAGIC BOINGS.]
Hey, that looks great.
Let's eat.
Hey, how did you? How did you do that? They were all over the kitchen.
[YELLS.]
Something wrong, master? No.
[.]
Good evening, Major Nelson.
Dr.
Bellows.
I thought the television was for relaxation.
You're not there to relax, major.
We've arranged to cut in for communications with Cocoa Beach.
Twice a day at 12 noon and again at 12 midnight, your time.
Right, sir.
Two times a day.
Correct.
And remember, this project is important.
Uh, how's the work going? Oh, just fine, sir.
Just fine.
Uh, but I do have a few questions.
I wanna show you a tape, major.
It was made several weeks ago.
I think it will explain everything.
I don't remember making any tape, sir.
Major Nelson, meet Major Nelson.
[.]
Hi, Tony.
I know we haven't met, but I feel I know you well enough to call you Tony.
It's Eh, that's me.
No, no, it couldn't be me.
Yes, it is me.
BELLOWS: Relax, major.
That man is an intelligence agent with theatrical training.
He's a dead ringer for you, and no one will notice a discrepancy.
Not even if he's having dinner with Major Healey at your house.
That's That's really remarkable, sir.
It would fool prac It won't work.
It won't work, Dr.
Bellows.
Well, of course it will.
It's working now.
Major Healey has already accepted him as you.
What's the matter, major? Nothing, sir.
It's not Major Healey I'm worried about.
Well, Jeannie.
Where's old Roge? Oh, he went home.
Home? Mm-hm.
[CAR STARTS.]
Healey! Healey, you forgot Jeannie! Roger? [CAR DEPARTS.]
He's gone.
And you're still here.
Of course I am still here.
Master, are you sure you feel all right? I'm fine.
Fine, fine.
Uh, listen, Jeannie, ahem, it was great of good old Roge to allow you to help with my housecleaning.
But what does Major Healey But there's no reason for you to stay and do the, uh, dishes.
I can do them myself.
They are done.
Mm.
Yes.
That's fine.
Good Good little worker, aren't you? Uh, he probably forgot.
Shall we go? Go where, master? Home? Master? We are home.
All right, she's not the maid, and she's not Healey's girlfriend.
Jeannie, uh Ahem.
I've been thinking, uh How long has it been since we first, uh, met? Oh, well, it has been a long time, master.
I have been so happy that the time has just flown by.
Well, you know how your memory plays tricks on you.
I I can't for the life of me remember, uh, when we first got together.
Do you mean our anniversary? Yes, our anniversary.
The anniversary of our marriage.
Marriage? Oh, master.
Oh, master, that is why you have been acting so strangely.
After all these years, you are finally going to ask me to marry you.
Oh! I am ready! Oh! You darling thing.
Everyone will be so happy.
No, no, no.
Wait till I tell my mother.
No, no.
You've got the wrong idea.
She won't believe it.
She will not believe it.
Oh, master, darling, goodbye.
I'm going to go tell everyone.
You've made me the happiest genie in the world.
[JEANNIE LAUGHS.]
That That's not the idea at all.
Jeannie? Jeannie? Jeannie? Nelson's gonna kill me.
Let's see.
I wonder if I can get Jeannie here.
At least I'll know what's going on.
What am I talking about? I don't even know what hemisphere I'm in.
[.]
Fresh air.
Sure does give you an appetite.
Let's see what I have for lunch.
Veal cutlet.
My favorite.
Mm-mm.
Ridiculous.
I was simply intoxicated.
She won't even be here this morning.
[POMFRET GASPS.]
Oh! Oh, master.
It does not matter if you see the bride before the wedding.
I want you to meet the Right Reverend Ibn Bernouli.
Uh, do I have to? [COUGHS.]
[SPEAKING ARABIC.]
He says that he is honored to meet you, master, and honored to perform the marriage ceremony according to the ancient rites.
How do you do? [SPEAKING IN ARABIC.]
He says that he is all choked up, master, because he performed this very same ceremony for my mama and papa over 5000 years ago.
Five thousand years ago.
As a matter of fact, I believe he was at their wedding anniversary just last year.
Well, when you marry people, they really stay married, don't they? [SPEAKING IN ARABIC.]
[CHUCKLES.]
[SCREAMS.]
Master, wait! Wait! Oh [SPEAKING IN ARABIC.]
He has just gone to, uh Uh To get a marriage license.
That is it.
In America, one needs a license for everything.
[SPEAKING IN ARABIC.]
America.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Come in.
Well, major.
Everything go all right? Negative, Dr.
Bellows.
I'm drunk.
Yes.
That's the only explanation, sir.
She fed me a Baghdad Camel last night, and it must have been pure alcohol, because from the first sip, I was smashed.
I began to see things.
I still think I'm smashed.
Don't be ridiculous, major.
Look at you.
You're neatly dressed.
Your eyes aren't bloodshot.
You didn't stagger, your speech isn't slurred.
Nevertheless, wait till I tell you what I saw.
Oh, I can hardly wait.
Major Healey, are you in the habit of barging into a superior officer's office? I'm sorry, sir.
Looking for Major Nelson.
I gotta talk to you right away.
Later, Roge.
When I sober up.
When you sober up? Ah, Major Nelson is intoxicated.
That's impose Impossible, sir.
He doesn't drink.
Oh, yeah? Um What was in that Baghdad Camel last night? Pablum? I never saw anything like it, sir.
Uh, plates appearing and then disappearing, a-a turkey that carves itself, a-a baked Alaska just suddenly appearing out of nowhere.
He's drunk, that's right.
Stoned.
Very stoned.
Look at that.
Bloodshot eyes there, tie all crooked and wobbly.
Now, is that the Tony Nelson we know, sir? All right.
I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.
Come along, major.
We're going to the lab and take a blood sample.
We'll soon find out what's wrong with you.
Major Healey.
TONY [OVER TV.]
: Dr.
Bellows.
Dr.
Bellows? Dr.
Bellows, I've gotta talk to you.
Tony? Tony, what are you doing on television? Roger, thank goodness it's you.
We're in terrible trouble.
I'll say we are.
What's the idea of telling Dr.
Bellows about Jeannie? What are you talking about? Just now, when you walked out of the office.
How could you walk out of the office and be on TV? It wasn't me, Roge.
It wasn't you.
Of course it wasn't you.
I mean, you wouldn't act like that.
It wasn't you? Look, there's a phony Tony on the loose.
Now listen.
I don't know how much time we've got.
Yeah.
I think I better.
Bellows Tony? Tony, come back.
Come back.
[MAN SPEAKING SPANISH OVER TV.]
Ah.
He's somewhere in France.
[.]
[SPEAKING IN ARABIC.]
[STAMMERS.]
A-as soon as the sands run out, you must go? Oh, b-but what if my master does not return? [SPEAKS IN ARABIC.]
[GASPS.]
All right, Reverend.
As soon as the sands run out.
You see, major, not a trace of alcohol in your blood.
You're stone-cold sober.
Well, sir Sir, in that case, there's only one other explanation.
I'm really seeing those things.
Well, Major Nelson.
For the first time since I've known you, you admit it.
I admit nothing.
Oh.
I'm sorry, I almost forgot.
I thought for a moment you were the real Major Nelson.
Well, nevertheless, come on.
This time, I think we've got him.
We're going to the house and see what's really going on.
Oh! Oh! Oh! I'll I'll I'll I'll take him, sir.
A cold shower and hot coffee will fix him up Uh, no, there's no need, major.
Major Nelson and I are going to his house and see what's going on.
Major Healey, if you don't mind.
Oh.
[.]
Pomfret, I want you to know that I was against substituting you for Major Nelson from the start.
But if you really can show me any proof of any funny business going on at Proof positive, sir.
She wears a funny little outfit like she came out of an Arabian harem.
No.
Extraordinary.
Yes.
She blinks her eyes, and things pop in and out.
Vacuum cleaners, baked Alaskans, chickens.
[.]