I Dream of Jeannie (1965) s04e22 Episode Script
Nobody Loves a Fat Astronaut
[.]
Thanks, Jeannie, I'll be home early.
Oh, master, be careful.
Okay, I'm only gonna go down to the office.
Oh, yes, master, but next week, you will be going to the moon, and I wish to instill in you a careful attitude.
[CHUCKLES.]
Okay, I promise I'll stop at all the red lights.
Oh, I'm sorry [CHUCKLES.]
Hey, what's the big idea? You just kissed me goodbye inside.
Did I? I forgot.
Did you? Well, that's one thing about my kisses, they always leave a lasting impression.
Get inside.
Go on, go on.
[SCOFFS.]
Ooh! Sister, you kissed my master and made him think it was me.
For the last time, sister, you leave my master alone.
He belongs to me.
[GASPS.]
Do you think I don't know that? [SNIFFLING.]
Here I am, madly in love with my own sister's master, knowing I could never have him.
And you begrudge me one measly little kiss.
[SOBBING.]
Oh, there's no charity in you, sister.
Oh, I am sorry.
I did not think of it that way.
Oh, that's all right.
Forget it.
Did I hear you say he's thinking of going to the moon? Oh, yes, sister, and I am so happy for him.
It is the one thing he wants in this whole world.
Hm.
Then he'd be furious with anyone who tried to stop him.
Hm? I'm sorry, sister, I did not hear you.
I said, I think you should try to stop him.
Oh, no, sister, I would never think of doing that.
I want him to do whatever will make him happy.
[SIGHS.]
Well, that's the difference between us.
You would let him go into unchartered space, facing all sorts of unknown dangers.
While I, I would keep him at home.
Safe, protected.
Hm.
But, then, he's your master.
Do you really think it is that dangerous? The first man on the moon? Are you kidding? Why, his chances are only vech in vechnachi of coming back alive.
[GASPS.]
Vech in vechnachi? Oh, dear.
Well, I wouldn't want to try to To influence you, sister, but if I were you, I'd convince him to stay home.
You are right.
I will try.
Oh, and, sis, I wouldn't mention that you talked to me.
Well, you know how he feels about me.
He's liable to misunderstand my motives.
Oh, I understand.
I will not say anything.
And I forgive you for kissing him.
I had better go.
Goodbye.
Hmm.
Oh, dear.
Once a sucker, always a sucker.
[.]
[.]
[.]
[.]
TONY: Now, gentlemen, if you'll notice on the left is the crater Langrenus.
The landing site section has discarded that because of its depth.
And the same goes for the, uh, crater Copernicus.
Uh, that leaves us with the choice of three: The Sea of Storms, the Sea of Showers or the Sea of Tranquility.
Excuse me, just a moment.
[QUIETLY.]
Go home.
Go home.
Major Nelson, whatever it is, can't it wait? I'll have to consider this later, miss.
Uh, please, later.
Please, master, it is urgent.
Later.
SCHAEFFER: Major Nelson.
[GRUMBLES.]
Ahem.
This one's mine.
Uh, I'm Major Healey.
Would you like to tell me your troubles and telephone number? Hm? Oh, J Would you get out of here? But But I have to talk to him.
Out.
Out.
What was that last name? Uh, Miss Miss Miss Waff.
Proceed, major.
TONY: Yes, sir, of course.
As I was saying, we have a choice between Storms, Showers and Tranquility.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yes.
Since our lowest orbital point will be over the crater Tycho, uh, the best landing site would seem to be, um, "Do not go to the moon.
It is too dangerous.
" What was that, major? He said, "Do not go to the moon.
It's too dangerous.
" Could you speak up a little, Tony? Can't hear you.
That's what I heard, major.
No, sir, I believe you understood me to say Tycho is too dangerous.
Oh.
Could've fooled me.
It did not work, sister.
He was showing movies of the moon, and I could not even talk to him.
Oh.
That poor, brave fool.
He doesn't realize what dangers there are.
Listen to this, listen to this: "The moon-bound astronauts can expect searing heat, sub-zero cold, dust craters miles deep.
" Oh, that is terrible.
Well, I will talk to him again when he gets home.
Hm.
I'm beginning to wonder how much you love him, sis.
If it were me, I wouldn't waste a minute.
But I cannot see him now, he is with Dr.
Bellows and a general.
Sis, what's more important? Embarrassing him a little or saving his life? What do you think I should do? Just leave it up to me, darling.
You're long on devotion, but short on ingenuity.
No.
[CHUCKLES.]
I am sorry, sister, but I still do not trust you alone with my master.
[SCOFFS.]
What "alone"? You just said he's with Dr.
Bellows and a general.
Well, that is true.
What are you going to do? Mm.
I just want to show him how dangerous the moon really is.
May I borrow your little soldier suit? What? Hm-hm.
Oh.
Oh, certainly.
[LAUGHS.]
So the consensus from all sections seems to point at the Sea of Tranquility.
Specifically this little declivity here, which you'll be able to see more clearly on the blown-up stills.
[MAGIC BOINGS.]
[ROARS.]
[YELLS.]
Major Nelson, what's the matter with you? "What's the matter with?" Couldn't you see? [TONY WHIMPERS.]
It was nothing, sir, I thought I saw something peculiar in the Sea of Tranquility.
And it made you yell? Doctor, is he in shape to make this flight? I'm beginning to wonder about that myself.
Can we continue this this afternoon? I have a little business I'd like to attend to.
You certainly do, major, in my office.
I'm booked up solid this afternoon.
We'll have to finish now.
That is, if you can continue without going into a fit.
TONY: Well, as I was saying, um, this little I think you'll notice this little declivity on the edge of the Sea of Tranquility.
[MAGIC BOINGS.]
[WHISTLE TOOTING.]
[YELLS.]
What is it this time, major? Something else peculiar? SCHAEFFER: He's going to pieces.
Well, proceed, major.
I'm I'm all right, sir.
The Sea of Tranquility is definitely the landing site! Wait a minute, you don't have to yell, we can hear you.
Boy Was I shouting?! Sorry! You're still shouting.
Sorry! [TRAIN RUMBLING.]
Precisely 0600 on the third day, the landing module will descend into a 50-yard target perimeter! Doctor, will you look at that? I can't.
The sight of a fine specimen like Major Nelson cracking up before my very eyes is more than I can bear.
On the northeast edge of The Sea of Tranquility This is the good part.
I don't know what Jeannie's trying to do but I gotta stop her before Dr.
Bellows is convinced I'm completely off my rocker.
ROGER: Yeah, you're supposed to be in his office right now.
TONY: Yeah.
Oh, no you don't, major, baby.
I'm not through helping you yet.
TONY: Hello? [NEW YORK ACCENT.]
I am sorry, we are unable to complete your call.
Please deposit 15 cents for the first three minutes.
Oh, yes, just a moment.
Roger, give me 15 cents.
What do you 15 cents for? Just give me 15 cents.
Miss, this is not a payphone.
Then kindly move to a payphone and deposit 15 cents for the first three minutes.
No, you don't understand.
You must've made a mistake.
This is not a payphone.
Now, would you put my call through, please? I am sorry, we are not allowed to engage in personal arguments with the customers.
This is a recording.
Yeah, but wait a minute, wait a minute.
I just had a fight with a recording.
Fifteen cents, huh.
Major Nelson.
TONY: Yes? BELLOWS: I asked you to go to my office from the screening room.
Take it easy, sir, he's feeling a little shaky.
I am not feeling I'm not feeling shaky.
I just dropped by my office to pick up papers before Well, of course you're not feeling shaky.
Of course not.
Now, come along, we're gonna have a little examination and it'll be over just like that.
[THUNDER CRASHES.]
What's the matter, major? Huh? Oh, the The thunder startled me, sir.
You hear the thunder, Roge? No, I'm still working out the 15 cents for the phone call.
Thunder? [MAGIC BOINGS.]
[GUNSHOTS.]
Well, there's not a cloud in the sky.
[GUNSHOTS.]
[GASPING.]
What's the matter? Did you hear it again? Uh, no, no, I'm fine.
I'm fine, sir.
TONY: Just fine.
Everything's fine.
BELLOWS: Oh.
Well, just relax.
He's feeling better already.
Better, major? He's a wreck.
I never saw a man go to pieces so quickly, and it happened like Don't, don't, don't.
What's wrong? He was just gonna snap his fingers like this.
[THUNDER CRASHES.]
Oh! Here, here.
Well, the diagnosis is just a clear case of nervous disintegration.
What's the matter? Excuse me, but I'm sorry, I'll have to inform General Schaeffer.
Well, they won't put you through unless you have 15 cents.
What? Fifteen cents.
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
ROGER: What's the matter with me anyhow? General? Oh, it It pains me to say this but, uh, I'm afraid we'll have to replace Major Nelson on the moon shot.
Sir, if you just give me a couple hours sleep, I could go home, I'd feel fine in the morning, really, I would.
Yes, general.
[GONG RESONATING.]
[.]
ROGER: Oh.
Wait.
Wait.
Tell me what to do.
Easy.
No, no, no, easy.
Easy.
My master is really not going to the moon? [CHUCKLES.]
The way he's been acting, darling, not a chance.
I hope we are doing the right thing.
Oh, don't bother to thank me, darling, it was a labor of love.
Oh, but I do appreciate your help.
My goodness, I never would've had the courage to do it myself.
Just remember, darling, no matter what he says, it's for his own good.
[DOOR OPENING.]
Oh.
There he is.
Oh, dear, I hope he is not too angry.
Well, uh, don't tell him I had anything to do with it.
I don't want any credit.
But he should know what a favor you have done him.
No! No, no, you see, darling, I'm I'm not even supposed to be here.
My goodness, if my real master found out, he'd kill me.
Oh.
And you came here just to help me.
You know, sister, I never realized what a really good friend you are.
Yes, well, goodbye, sucker.
I mean Sister.
Sister.
[.]
It is for your own good.
It is for your own good.
Oh, thanks, thanks a lot.
But It is for your own good.
I'm not going to the moon.
They've replaced me.
Yes, master, for your own good.
TONY: The General thinks I'm a ding-a-ling.
They might put me in the statistics section.
Yes, master, for your own good.
Don't say that again! Sorry, this time you've gone too far.
It's over, finished.
Ha-ha.
That's it, baby, victory.
How could you do this to me? Ever since I got in the Air Force, I've been dreaming of making a moon shot and why But, master, it was for your own Don't you ever say that again.
Not ever.
Ever.
Well, it is too dangerous.
You're protecting me now.
Okay.
Do not thank me, master, it was a labor of love.
Huh? Well, I appreciate your concern, but understand that I can't go on with this anymore.
Oh, no, master, you must understand.
If you land on the moon, you must expect searing heat, freezing cold, dust craters Jeannie, please.
Your chances of coming back alive are only vech in vechnachi.
Vech and vechnachi? That is Persian for one in a 1000.
Jeannie, don't you understand? Everything you're thinking of, all the dangers and everything, that NASA has taken these into account.
Oh, yes, master, but they're only mortals, I am It's called "technology.
" Technology.
Technology? Mm-hm.
Is that a new kind of magic? [CHUCKLES.]
Jeannie, will you help me? Please? Well, I do not know.
Please? Please, help me.
May I blink you an extra pair of long underwear? [CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, two if you want.
And will you promise not to step in any dust craters? I promise, cross my heart.
All right, I will help you.
Good.
Let's go.
Can you get everything straight? Oh, yes, master.
Everything's under control.
I'll be with you later, sergeant, I have this experiment to do.
Now, were you ready, major? Yes, sir, quite ready.
Good.
All right.
Here we go.
[EXPLOSIONS, GUNSHOTS ON RECORD PLAYER.]
[TRAIN WHEELS CLANKING ON RECORD PLAYER.]
Extraordinary.
Absolutely extraordinary.
Why, it's the most remarkable recovery I've ever seen.
You've been sitting there for two hours.
Well, you must have nerves of steel, major.
Hello, Dr.
Bellows, are you listening to records? Records? Don't be ridiculous.
Here, you've got to hear this.
You've got to hear this experiment.
Wait a minute.
Alrighty.
Now, listen intently.
[EXPLOSIONS, LOUD CLANKING ON RECORD PLAYER.]
[SCREAMS.]
Major.
Major.
Major, I want you to go and get General Schaeffer.
I want him to hear this.
Major Healey.
[SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY.]
Oh, never mind.
[LAUGHING.]
Oh! You were wonderful, master.
[LAUGHING.]
I was, wasn't I? [SIGHS.]
Well.
It's a little dumpy.
Like my sister.
Well, now that I'm finally rid of her, I can fix this place up.
Ah! Whoa.
Ha-ha! Oh, hello, sister.
Uh, what is this doing here? [LAUGHS.]
A little present.
What are you doing here? Why should I not be here? This is my home.
Oh, yes, yes, but But didn't he throw you out when you had him replaced on the moon flight? Oh, that.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, he was not replaced after all.
You see, my master explained to me that NASA has a new kind of magic that takes care of all the dangers in outer space Ha.
A new kind of magic.
Hm.
It is called technology.
Oh, brother.
And so you fixed everything up? Yes, and my master is leaving in two days.
Is that not wonderful? Oh, scrumptious.
Well, I better be going.
I have my work cut out for me.
Oh, sister, why do you not stay for a few days? Oh, no, sis, thank you, I don't want to put you out.
You would not be putting me out.
Oh, yes, I will.
Ta-ta.
What'd she mean by that? Yes, I'll have that information for you immediately.
Well, gentlemen, there's one new detail.
That was the propulsion section.
There's been a change in the weight displacement ratio in the capsule.
Instead of the usual 50 pounds leeway, we now have 20.
Well, there goes my lucky paperweight.
They want our last-minute weight figures.
TONY: Well, that shouldn't be any problem.
I don't think we could've gained weight this last week.
Well, speak for yourself, I had a pretty big breakfast.
Well, gentlemen, shall we go? Yes, sir.
[.]
A hundred and Wait.
Hold it, sir.
Here, take this.
A hundred and seventy-five.
Right on the nose.
Yes, right on the nose, a hundred and seventy-five, no change there.
Uh, Major Nelson? Yes.
Last chance, baby, better make it good.
Ooh.
It'll be a hundred and eighty-one and a quarter, sir.
Oops.
Excuse me.
Yeah.
Uh Major Nelson.
Yes, I'm sorry.
If you fidget, the scale won't register properly.
Yes.
A hundred and ninety.
BELLOWS: Oh, Major, you gained 10 pounds since the last weigh-in.
I couldn't weigh 190, sir.
The scale must be broken.
No, it's not, it worked perfect for me.
Roger.
Well, even if it's correct, the situation isn't critical.
You still have 10 pounds leeway.
Oh, good.
Let me see if it's broken.
Roge, it's all right.
On second though, major, let's try it again.
Yes, let's try it.
[MAGIC BOINGS.]
Two hundred and five? Why, Major, you're over the limit.
Well, if I gained 20 pounds, obviously, it would show, wouldn't it, sir? Well, that's true.
Could I get weighed on another scale? Yes, in my office.
Come along as soon as you can.
Yes, sir.
Better lay off the sweets.
Two hundred and five pounds.
Shame, shame, shame.
How much do you weigh, Dr.
Bellows? Uh, what? No matter which scale you use, it will register the same.
What do you think you're doing? I thought I explained it to you.
Well, I have changed my mind.
It is much too dangerous for you.
I will not let you go.
Look, I don't have time to go into this.
I'm your master and I order you to undo whatever you've done.
Oh, please do not order me.
Well, I'm your master and I order you now.
Now.
Oh, I wish I were not such an obedient genie.
Oh, brother.
Here, take this, and it will put your weight back to normal.
Are you sure? Mm-hm.
[.]
[GAGGING.]
What've you done to me? I'm enormous.
I am sorry, master, but it is for your own good.
Now, wait a minute.
You will thank me when it is all over.
I'll thank you? Yeah, I'll thank you.
Jeannie, please be nice.
[GIGGLING.]
I can't understand what's taking him so long.
He's the one who insisted the scale was wrong.
Well, he always was a slow dresser.
Major Nelson! [PANTING.]
What happened? You really put on a few.
Yeah.
Well, sir, something weird happened with my m Metabolic rate.
Just give me a little time in the lab.
A couple of hours.
Couple of hours? Why, it'll take you at least a year to get back to normal.
May I sit down, please, sir? If you can.
Come over here.
Here.
Thank you.
Sit.
Yeah.
Well, I Oh, no! Oh! Easy, now.
Easy.
Get him up.
Major Healey, can't you try? Oh, he's heavy, heavy, heavy.
Hey, haven't you ever heard about the Air Force Diet? There's no question of you going on the moon shot.
The capsule would never get off the ground.
Sir, this is just temporary.
If you give me a little time Back into the examination room and stay there, major.
General Schaeffer will want to see this.
Oh.
Jeannie's done it this time.
She's done it this time.
I'm finished, I'm washed up.
Whoa! [WOMAN SCREAMING.]
Oh.
[.]
Examination room's over here, Tony.
Whoa, it's It's.
Whoa.
Well, it's shocking, Major Nelson, absolutely shocking.
I mean, I knew my sister was dumb, but I had no idea she was that dumb.
I put up with this for a long time, but this time, we've had it.
I'm through.
Through, absolutely through.
Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.
Poor sis.
But I can't say I blame you.
Say, if you're in the market for a master, maybe we could work a little something out, huh? Mm.
I thought you'd never ask.
Kiss me.
Uh, w No, not now.
Would you blink me skinny? I can't go around kissing you like this.
You've got a point.
Oh, that's better.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
Mm.
[SNAPPING FINGERS.]
Got ya! Oh! What is? [MAGIC BOINGS.]
No, her eyes, you idiot! Get her in the closet.
I don't want to go in with her.
[SCREAMING.]
You won't believe it, sir, but he must weight at least 300 pounds.
What happened to the door? That's what I've been trying to tell you, general.
He couldn't get through it.
Oh, hello, sir.
Who weighs 300 pounds? Major Nelson, you're You're skinny.
Oh, well, thank you very much, sir.
Perhaps I should go on a weight-gaining diet? Don't be ridiculous, not 10 minutes ago, you were gargantuan.
Dr.
Bellows.
Well, he was, sir.
The first time he stepped on the scale, he was 10 pounds overweight.
And the next time he stepped on the scale, he was 20 pounds overweight.
What scale is that, sir? Why, the scale right Dr.
Bellows, I think you and I had better have a little talk.
Oh, not with me, with him, sir.
He's the one who's gaining and losing hundreds of pounds.
First you tell me that Major Nelson has had a complete nervous collapse.
Then you tell me he's made a remarkable recovery.
Then you tell me that he weighs 300 pounds! And now I find him looking exactly like he always does.
What exactly have you against Major Nelson, doctor? BELLOWS: Nothing, General Schaeffer.
It's only that I'm trying Come on out, Roge.
Come on.
[YELLS.]
[CRASHING.]
Roger.
Shh.
[.]
Thanks, Jeannie, I'll be home early.
Oh, master, be careful.
Okay, I'm only gonna go down to the office.
Oh, yes, master, but next week, you will be going to the moon, and I wish to instill in you a careful attitude.
[CHUCKLES.]
Okay, I promise I'll stop at all the red lights.
Oh, I'm sorry [CHUCKLES.]
Hey, what's the big idea? You just kissed me goodbye inside.
Did I? I forgot.
Did you? Well, that's one thing about my kisses, they always leave a lasting impression.
Get inside.
Go on, go on.
[SCOFFS.]
Ooh! Sister, you kissed my master and made him think it was me.
For the last time, sister, you leave my master alone.
He belongs to me.
[GASPS.]
Do you think I don't know that? [SNIFFLING.]
Here I am, madly in love with my own sister's master, knowing I could never have him.
And you begrudge me one measly little kiss.
[SOBBING.]
Oh, there's no charity in you, sister.
Oh, I am sorry.
I did not think of it that way.
Oh, that's all right.
Forget it.
Did I hear you say he's thinking of going to the moon? Oh, yes, sister, and I am so happy for him.
It is the one thing he wants in this whole world.
Hm.
Then he'd be furious with anyone who tried to stop him.
Hm? I'm sorry, sister, I did not hear you.
I said, I think you should try to stop him.
Oh, no, sister, I would never think of doing that.
I want him to do whatever will make him happy.
[SIGHS.]
Well, that's the difference between us.
You would let him go into unchartered space, facing all sorts of unknown dangers.
While I, I would keep him at home.
Safe, protected.
Hm.
But, then, he's your master.
Do you really think it is that dangerous? The first man on the moon? Are you kidding? Why, his chances are only vech in vechnachi of coming back alive.
[GASPS.]
Vech in vechnachi? Oh, dear.
Well, I wouldn't want to try to To influence you, sister, but if I were you, I'd convince him to stay home.
You are right.
I will try.
Oh, and, sis, I wouldn't mention that you talked to me.
Well, you know how he feels about me.
He's liable to misunderstand my motives.
Oh, I understand.
I will not say anything.
And I forgive you for kissing him.
I had better go.
Goodbye.
Hmm.
Oh, dear.
Once a sucker, always a sucker.
[.]
[.]
[.]
[.]
TONY: Now, gentlemen, if you'll notice on the left is the crater Langrenus.
The landing site section has discarded that because of its depth.
And the same goes for the, uh, crater Copernicus.
Uh, that leaves us with the choice of three: The Sea of Storms, the Sea of Showers or the Sea of Tranquility.
Excuse me, just a moment.
[QUIETLY.]
Go home.
Go home.
Major Nelson, whatever it is, can't it wait? I'll have to consider this later, miss.
Uh, please, later.
Please, master, it is urgent.
Later.
SCHAEFFER: Major Nelson.
[GRUMBLES.]
Ahem.
This one's mine.
Uh, I'm Major Healey.
Would you like to tell me your troubles and telephone number? Hm? Oh, J Would you get out of here? But But I have to talk to him.
Out.
Out.
What was that last name? Uh, Miss Miss Miss Waff.
Proceed, major.
TONY: Yes, sir, of course.
As I was saying, we have a choice between Storms, Showers and Tranquility.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yes.
Since our lowest orbital point will be over the crater Tycho, uh, the best landing site would seem to be, um, "Do not go to the moon.
It is too dangerous.
" What was that, major? He said, "Do not go to the moon.
It's too dangerous.
" Could you speak up a little, Tony? Can't hear you.
That's what I heard, major.
No, sir, I believe you understood me to say Tycho is too dangerous.
Oh.
Could've fooled me.
It did not work, sister.
He was showing movies of the moon, and I could not even talk to him.
Oh.
That poor, brave fool.
He doesn't realize what dangers there are.
Listen to this, listen to this: "The moon-bound astronauts can expect searing heat, sub-zero cold, dust craters miles deep.
" Oh, that is terrible.
Well, I will talk to him again when he gets home.
Hm.
I'm beginning to wonder how much you love him, sis.
If it were me, I wouldn't waste a minute.
But I cannot see him now, he is with Dr.
Bellows and a general.
Sis, what's more important? Embarrassing him a little or saving his life? What do you think I should do? Just leave it up to me, darling.
You're long on devotion, but short on ingenuity.
No.
[CHUCKLES.]
I am sorry, sister, but I still do not trust you alone with my master.
[SCOFFS.]
What "alone"? You just said he's with Dr.
Bellows and a general.
Well, that is true.
What are you going to do? Mm.
I just want to show him how dangerous the moon really is.
May I borrow your little soldier suit? What? Hm-hm.
Oh.
Oh, certainly.
[LAUGHS.]
So the consensus from all sections seems to point at the Sea of Tranquility.
Specifically this little declivity here, which you'll be able to see more clearly on the blown-up stills.
[MAGIC BOINGS.]
[ROARS.]
[YELLS.]
Major Nelson, what's the matter with you? "What's the matter with?" Couldn't you see? [TONY WHIMPERS.]
It was nothing, sir, I thought I saw something peculiar in the Sea of Tranquility.
And it made you yell? Doctor, is he in shape to make this flight? I'm beginning to wonder about that myself.
Can we continue this this afternoon? I have a little business I'd like to attend to.
You certainly do, major, in my office.
I'm booked up solid this afternoon.
We'll have to finish now.
That is, if you can continue without going into a fit.
TONY: Well, as I was saying, um, this little I think you'll notice this little declivity on the edge of the Sea of Tranquility.
[MAGIC BOINGS.]
[WHISTLE TOOTING.]
[YELLS.]
What is it this time, major? Something else peculiar? SCHAEFFER: He's going to pieces.
Well, proceed, major.
I'm I'm all right, sir.
The Sea of Tranquility is definitely the landing site! Wait a minute, you don't have to yell, we can hear you.
Boy Was I shouting?! Sorry! You're still shouting.
Sorry! [TRAIN RUMBLING.]
Precisely 0600 on the third day, the landing module will descend into a 50-yard target perimeter! Doctor, will you look at that? I can't.
The sight of a fine specimen like Major Nelson cracking up before my very eyes is more than I can bear.
On the northeast edge of The Sea of Tranquility This is the good part.
I don't know what Jeannie's trying to do but I gotta stop her before Dr.
Bellows is convinced I'm completely off my rocker.
ROGER: Yeah, you're supposed to be in his office right now.
TONY: Yeah.
Oh, no you don't, major, baby.
I'm not through helping you yet.
TONY: Hello? [NEW YORK ACCENT.]
I am sorry, we are unable to complete your call.
Please deposit 15 cents for the first three minutes.
Oh, yes, just a moment.
Roger, give me 15 cents.
What do you 15 cents for? Just give me 15 cents.
Miss, this is not a payphone.
Then kindly move to a payphone and deposit 15 cents for the first three minutes.
No, you don't understand.
You must've made a mistake.
This is not a payphone.
Now, would you put my call through, please? I am sorry, we are not allowed to engage in personal arguments with the customers.
This is a recording.
Yeah, but wait a minute, wait a minute.
I just had a fight with a recording.
Fifteen cents, huh.
Major Nelson.
TONY: Yes? BELLOWS: I asked you to go to my office from the screening room.
Take it easy, sir, he's feeling a little shaky.
I am not feeling I'm not feeling shaky.
I just dropped by my office to pick up papers before Well, of course you're not feeling shaky.
Of course not.
Now, come along, we're gonna have a little examination and it'll be over just like that.
[THUNDER CRASHES.]
What's the matter, major? Huh? Oh, the The thunder startled me, sir.
You hear the thunder, Roge? No, I'm still working out the 15 cents for the phone call.
Thunder? [MAGIC BOINGS.]
[GUNSHOTS.]
Well, there's not a cloud in the sky.
[GUNSHOTS.]
[GASPING.]
What's the matter? Did you hear it again? Uh, no, no, I'm fine.
I'm fine, sir.
TONY: Just fine.
Everything's fine.
BELLOWS: Oh.
Well, just relax.
He's feeling better already.
Better, major? He's a wreck.
I never saw a man go to pieces so quickly, and it happened like Don't, don't, don't.
What's wrong? He was just gonna snap his fingers like this.
[THUNDER CRASHES.]
Oh! Here, here.
Well, the diagnosis is just a clear case of nervous disintegration.
What's the matter? Excuse me, but I'm sorry, I'll have to inform General Schaeffer.
Well, they won't put you through unless you have 15 cents.
What? Fifteen cents.
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
ROGER: What's the matter with me anyhow? General? Oh, it It pains me to say this but, uh, I'm afraid we'll have to replace Major Nelson on the moon shot.
Sir, if you just give me a couple hours sleep, I could go home, I'd feel fine in the morning, really, I would.
Yes, general.
[GONG RESONATING.]
[.]
ROGER: Oh.
Wait.
Wait.
Tell me what to do.
Easy.
No, no, no, easy.
Easy.
My master is really not going to the moon? [CHUCKLES.]
The way he's been acting, darling, not a chance.
I hope we are doing the right thing.
Oh, don't bother to thank me, darling, it was a labor of love.
Oh, but I do appreciate your help.
My goodness, I never would've had the courage to do it myself.
Just remember, darling, no matter what he says, it's for his own good.
[DOOR OPENING.]
Oh.
There he is.
Oh, dear, I hope he is not too angry.
Well, uh, don't tell him I had anything to do with it.
I don't want any credit.
But he should know what a favor you have done him.
No! No, no, you see, darling, I'm I'm not even supposed to be here.
My goodness, if my real master found out, he'd kill me.
Oh.
And you came here just to help me.
You know, sister, I never realized what a really good friend you are.
Yes, well, goodbye, sucker.
I mean Sister.
Sister.
[.]
It is for your own good.
It is for your own good.
Oh, thanks, thanks a lot.
But It is for your own good.
I'm not going to the moon.
They've replaced me.
Yes, master, for your own good.
TONY: The General thinks I'm a ding-a-ling.
They might put me in the statistics section.
Yes, master, for your own good.
Don't say that again! Sorry, this time you've gone too far.
It's over, finished.
Ha-ha.
That's it, baby, victory.
How could you do this to me? Ever since I got in the Air Force, I've been dreaming of making a moon shot and why But, master, it was for your own Don't you ever say that again.
Not ever.
Ever.
Well, it is too dangerous.
You're protecting me now.
Okay.
Do not thank me, master, it was a labor of love.
Huh? Well, I appreciate your concern, but understand that I can't go on with this anymore.
Oh, no, master, you must understand.
If you land on the moon, you must expect searing heat, freezing cold, dust craters Jeannie, please.
Your chances of coming back alive are only vech in vechnachi.
Vech and vechnachi? That is Persian for one in a 1000.
Jeannie, don't you understand? Everything you're thinking of, all the dangers and everything, that NASA has taken these into account.
Oh, yes, master, but they're only mortals, I am It's called "technology.
" Technology.
Technology? Mm-hm.
Is that a new kind of magic? [CHUCKLES.]
Jeannie, will you help me? Please? Well, I do not know.
Please? Please, help me.
May I blink you an extra pair of long underwear? [CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, two if you want.
And will you promise not to step in any dust craters? I promise, cross my heart.
All right, I will help you.
Good.
Let's go.
Can you get everything straight? Oh, yes, master.
Everything's under control.
I'll be with you later, sergeant, I have this experiment to do.
Now, were you ready, major? Yes, sir, quite ready.
Good.
All right.
Here we go.
[EXPLOSIONS, GUNSHOTS ON RECORD PLAYER.]
[TRAIN WHEELS CLANKING ON RECORD PLAYER.]
Extraordinary.
Absolutely extraordinary.
Why, it's the most remarkable recovery I've ever seen.
You've been sitting there for two hours.
Well, you must have nerves of steel, major.
Hello, Dr.
Bellows, are you listening to records? Records? Don't be ridiculous.
Here, you've got to hear this.
You've got to hear this experiment.
Wait a minute.
Alrighty.
Now, listen intently.
[EXPLOSIONS, LOUD CLANKING ON RECORD PLAYER.]
[SCREAMS.]
Major.
Major.
Major, I want you to go and get General Schaeffer.
I want him to hear this.
Major Healey.
[SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY.]
Oh, never mind.
[LAUGHING.]
Oh! You were wonderful, master.
[LAUGHING.]
I was, wasn't I? [SIGHS.]
Well.
It's a little dumpy.
Like my sister.
Well, now that I'm finally rid of her, I can fix this place up.
Ah! Whoa.
Ha-ha! Oh, hello, sister.
Uh, what is this doing here? [LAUGHS.]
A little present.
What are you doing here? Why should I not be here? This is my home.
Oh, yes, yes, but But didn't he throw you out when you had him replaced on the moon flight? Oh, that.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, he was not replaced after all.
You see, my master explained to me that NASA has a new kind of magic that takes care of all the dangers in outer space Ha.
A new kind of magic.
Hm.
It is called technology.
Oh, brother.
And so you fixed everything up? Yes, and my master is leaving in two days.
Is that not wonderful? Oh, scrumptious.
Well, I better be going.
I have my work cut out for me.
Oh, sister, why do you not stay for a few days? Oh, no, sis, thank you, I don't want to put you out.
You would not be putting me out.
Oh, yes, I will.
Ta-ta.
What'd she mean by that? Yes, I'll have that information for you immediately.
Well, gentlemen, there's one new detail.
That was the propulsion section.
There's been a change in the weight displacement ratio in the capsule.
Instead of the usual 50 pounds leeway, we now have 20.
Well, there goes my lucky paperweight.
They want our last-minute weight figures.
TONY: Well, that shouldn't be any problem.
I don't think we could've gained weight this last week.
Well, speak for yourself, I had a pretty big breakfast.
Well, gentlemen, shall we go? Yes, sir.
[.]
A hundred and Wait.
Hold it, sir.
Here, take this.
A hundred and seventy-five.
Right on the nose.
Yes, right on the nose, a hundred and seventy-five, no change there.
Uh, Major Nelson? Yes.
Last chance, baby, better make it good.
Ooh.
It'll be a hundred and eighty-one and a quarter, sir.
Oops.
Excuse me.
Yeah.
Uh Major Nelson.
Yes, I'm sorry.
If you fidget, the scale won't register properly.
Yes.
A hundred and ninety.
BELLOWS: Oh, Major, you gained 10 pounds since the last weigh-in.
I couldn't weigh 190, sir.
The scale must be broken.
No, it's not, it worked perfect for me.
Roger.
Well, even if it's correct, the situation isn't critical.
You still have 10 pounds leeway.
Oh, good.
Let me see if it's broken.
Roge, it's all right.
On second though, major, let's try it again.
Yes, let's try it.
[MAGIC BOINGS.]
Two hundred and five? Why, Major, you're over the limit.
Well, if I gained 20 pounds, obviously, it would show, wouldn't it, sir? Well, that's true.
Could I get weighed on another scale? Yes, in my office.
Come along as soon as you can.
Yes, sir.
Better lay off the sweets.
Two hundred and five pounds.
Shame, shame, shame.
How much do you weigh, Dr.
Bellows? Uh, what? No matter which scale you use, it will register the same.
What do you think you're doing? I thought I explained it to you.
Well, I have changed my mind.
It is much too dangerous for you.
I will not let you go.
Look, I don't have time to go into this.
I'm your master and I order you to undo whatever you've done.
Oh, please do not order me.
Well, I'm your master and I order you now.
Now.
Oh, I wish I were not such an obedient genie.
Oh, brother.
Here, take this, and it will put your weight back to normal.
Are you sure? Mm-hm.
[.]
[GAGGING.]
What've you done to me? I'm enormous.
I am sorry, master, but it is for your own good.
Now, wait a minute.
You will thank me when it is all over.
I'll thank you? Yeah, I'll thank you.
Jeannie, please be nice.
[GIGGLING.]
I can't understand what's taking him so long.
He's the one who insisted the scale was wrong.
Well, he always was a slow dresser.
Major Nelson! [PANTING.]
What happened? You really put on a few.
Yeah.
Well, sir, something weird happened with my m Metabolic rate.
Just give me a little time in the lab.
A couple of hours.
Couple of hours? Why, it'll take you at least a year to get back to normal.
May I sit down, please, sir? If you can.
Come over here.
Here.
Thank you.
Sit.
Yeah.
Well, I Oh, no! Oh! Easy, now.
Easy.
Get him up.
Major Healey, can't you try? Oh, he's heavy, heavy, heavy.
Hey, haven't you ever heard about the Air Force Diet? There's no question of you going on the moon shot.
The capsule would never get off the ground.
Sir, this is just temporary.
If you give me a little time Back into the examination room and stay there, major.
General Schaeffer will want to see this.
Oh.
Jeannie's done it this time.
She's done it this time.
I'm finished, I'm washed up.
Whoa! [WOMAN SCREAMING.]
Oh.
[.]
Examination room's over here, Tony.
Whoa, it's It's.
Whoa.
Well, it's shocking, Major Nelson, absolutely shocking.
I mean, I knew my sister was dumb, but I had no idea she was that dumb.
I put up with this for a long time, but this time, we've had it.
I'm through.
Through, absolutely through.
Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.
Poor sis.
But I can't say I blame you.
Say, if you're in the market for a master, maybe we could work a little something out, huh? Mm.
I thought you'd never ask.
Kiss me.
Uh, w No, not now.
Would you blink me skinny? I can't go around kissing you like this.
You've got a point.
Oh, that's better.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
Mm.
[SNAPPING FINGERS.]
Got ya! Oh! What is? [MAGIC BOINGS.]
No, her eyes, you idiot! Get her in the closet.
I don't want to go in with her.
[SCREAMING.]
You won't believe it, sir, but he must weight at least 300 pounds.
What happened to the door? That's what I've been trying to tell you, general.
He couldn't get through it.
Oh, hello, sir.
Who weighs 300 pounds? Major Nelson, you're You're skinny.
Oh, well, thank you very much, sir.
Perhaps I should go on a weight-gaining diet? Don't be ridiculous, not 10 minutes ago, you were gargantuan.
Dr.
Bellows.
Well, he was, sir.
The first time he stepped on the scale, he was 10 pounds overweight.
And the next time he stepped on the scale, he was 20 pounds overweight.
What scale is that, sir? Why, the scale right Dr.
Bellows, I think you and I had better have a little talk.
Oh, not with me, with him, sir.
He's the one who's gaining and losing hundreds of pounds.
First you tell me that Major Nelson has had a complete nervous collapse.
Then you tell me he's made a remarkable recovery.
Then you tell me that he weighs 300 pounds! And now I find him looking exactly like he always does.
What exactly have you against Major Nelson, doctor? BELLOWS: Nothing, General Schaeffer.
It's only that I'm trying Come on out, Roge.
Come on.
[YELLS.]
[CRASHING.]
Roger.
Shh.
[.]