I Dream of Jeannie (1965) s04e25 Episode Script
Jeannie and the Secret Weapon
[.]
Yeah.
Well, the meeting's at 5:00.
It'll probably go on for hours.
See, the exterior dimensions are 38, 23, 35.
Thirty-eight, 22.
What? Twenty-three.
Thirty-eight, 23, 35.
Thirty-five.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, no, no.
Those are Agnes' dimensions.
Heh, heh, heh.
Who is Agnes? Oh, Agnes is not a who.
She's a what.
Tony.
Huh? I'm just I'm on the phone.
I know, but Jeannie isn't.
Hm? Oh, what are you doing here? I've told you a thousand times not to come here, Jeannie.
Now get back on the phone.
First, I would like to meet Agnes.
Huh? I-I-I'll call you back.
[GRUMBLES.]
Here.
Jeannie, this is Agnes.
Agnes, this is Jeannie.
Uh, Jea Uh Agnes stands for Anti-Gravity Nuclear Earth Station.
Roger and I are giving an evaluation report at 5:00.
Now are you satisfied? Oh, it is very nice, master.
Very nice, yes.
But it will never get off the ground.
Yes, you see, its kinessive is overextended onto the gibraun.
What? Right there.
The kinessive is overextended onto the gibraun.
Uh, that certainly wipes out my theory.
We We'd better tell Oglethorpe.
Yeah.
Uh, Jeannie, you're a wonderful girl.
And I I would be the last person in the world to ever underestimate your talents, but Well, frankly, I don't think you have the foggiest notion of whether or not Agnes will fly.
Why not? Well, my ancestors were flying carpets while yours were still hollowing out canoes.
She got a point there.
Oh, beautiful.
I'll just tell the general: "Um, I'm sorry, sir, I can't approve the plans.
The kinessive overextends onto the gibraun.
" Why tell him anything? Why do you not show him a scale model? A scale model? Do you have any idea how much? Jeannie, a scale model would take months and months of work and hundreds of thousands of dollars.
[SCOFFS.]
"Make a scale mo" Hey, look.
Hey, is that it? Uh-huh.
Oh, that's beautiful! Look at that, Roge.
BELLOWS: Major Nelson! Dr.
Bellows.
Dr.
Bellows! Oh, uh, Major, I've got the results of those tests.
ROBOTIC FEMALE VOICE: How do you do? My name is Agnes.
I am an Anti-Gravity Nuclear Earth Station.
Just what is that? [.]
[.]
[.]
What is that? What? What is that? Oh, it's It's a child's toy.
Uh, yes, sir.
It's like one of those dolls that you squeeze and it says, uh, "Change me, Mommy.
" Huh? Heh, heh, heh, heh.
Yeah.
But I distinctly heard it say: "My name is Agnes.
" It was lying.
It looks like Agnes.
I wanna know where this toy came from, hm? Oglethorpe must see this at once.
How about that? Good thinking? "Child's toy.
" Ha.
Always using the old brain.
Yeah, terrific, Roge.
Yeah, now I want you to think of something to tell Mr.
Oglethorpe when he finds out that his radical new space station that he designed is already a child's toy.
And his plans are still on the NASA drawing board.
Bad thinking.
Bad.
Bad.
Jeannie! As I was saying, master, you can see that the kinessive is I would like you to take Agnes and get outta here, please.
But, master, you need me.
No.
No buts.
Find something to occupy your time until we're through with the project.
Oh! No "oh.
" Please.
Now.
Go.
Thank you.
Oh, Jeannie! Yes? Mm.
Huh? Oh.
Great, now what are we gonna do when Dr.
Bellows brings in Oglethorpe? The same thing Agnes did.
What's that? Lie.
OGLETHORPE: I never heard anything so ridiculous.
If it's gonna start, then why doesn't it start now? You know as well as I do.
I wanna know where it came from.
Thirty-eight, Where's Agnes? Huh? Agnes? Agnes? Agnes.
Oh, oh, Agnes, yes.
Well, here are the blueprints right here, sir.
No, no, no, no.
Not the drawing.
The model.
The toy.
The toy? Toy? The toy that was right here.
Th-that talks.
Like the doll that you squeeze and it says: "Change me, Mommy.
" Uh, we've all been under a lot of, ahem, pressure lately trying to make the deadline.
And when you squeezed it, it said, "Change me, Mama.
" No! It said, "My name is Agnes.
" If you say so, sir.
Doctor.
Agnes wouldn't talk.
She'd bleep.
Bleep? Oh! Excuse me.
I'd better take the rest of the afternoon off.
[.]
Hi, Jase.
Oh, hi, Pop.
Did you get it? Did I get it? Take a look at this.
Ah, there it is.
A remote-control box for a TV set? Pop, we don't have a TV set.
Ah, but we will have.
Dozens of 'em, if we want.
When this little dandy is hooked up the MacWhorter flying stratosub will be operational and marketable.
Who ever heard of a flying submarine? Who ever heard of a Hula-Hoop? You pawned the motorcycle for this? You're looking at me that way again, Jase.
What way? Oh, the way that says I'm an irresponsible, impractical phony, who would rather invent toys that don't sell than take a job and support his son.
I'm sorry.
Don't be, it's true.
At least it was, but not after this.
Not after the MacWhorter flying stratosub hits the toy market.
Come on.
Let's go to the park and give it a try.
Pop? What if it doesn't work? Well, why shouldn't it work? It's got exactly the same mechanism as the MacWhorter heat-seeking missile.
I know.
And that one went through Mrs.
Drexel's kitchen window and crashed right into her stove.
See, it worked.
It was seeking heat.
This is it, Jase.
Okay, Pop.
You can blast off anytime.
You keep a close track on it.
Fame and fortune, here we come.
[.]
It's gonna work.
[BUZZING.]
It works.
It's working.
Jase, it works.
We're gonna be rich.
It's working.
We're gonna be rich.
Oh, God, look at it go.
MacWHORTER: We're gonna be rich.
We're gonna be rich.
Okay, Pop, bring it back.
I can't.
It won't respond.
There it goes.
All right, you keep it in sight, son.
Oh.
Is this your toy, little boy? It was.
There goes another million down the tubes.
Aw.
I am sorry it is broken.
Would you like another toy to play with? No thanks, lady.
I'm trying to kick the habit.
Oh, well you may have Agnes.
I'm too old for girls.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, no, no, no.
This is Agnes.
[.]
What is it? Well, I-it is called an Anti-Gravity Nuclear Earth Station.
Agnes.
Yeah.
I've never seen anything like this.
Where'd you get it? I made it.
What's it do? Well, I-I-it is supposed to orbit the moon, but this one will not fly.
Boy, I wish this could fly.
Do you? Hey, that's great.
I'd like to see it land.
It obeys my voice.
Agnes, stop.
[MAGIC BOINGS.]
It must have a self-contained voice modulation response unit.
If you say so.
Why do you not play with it for a while? Can I? Mm-hm.
Gee, thanks, lady.
Agnes, up.
[LAUGHS.]
Agnes, forward march.
Agnes, halt.
Agnes, down.
Agnes, up.
Agnes, forward march.
Way to go.
I understand these things.
I'm a psychiatrist.
Hard work, not enough sleep.
Uh, good morning, sir.
After all, one low-grade hallucination doesn't necessarily mean that a man has flipped his lid, does it? I Agnes? I knew it.
I knew it.
JASON: Agnes! Here! Come back here, Agnes.
Come back here, and that's an order.
Halt.
Hello, son.
Well, that's quite a toy you've got up there.
Did I hear you call it Agnes? Yes, sir.
Where did you get it? From that lady over there.
She made it herself.
What lady? Well, she was there a minute ago.
Now listen, son.
As you can see, I'm a United States Air Force colonel.
Now, I don't want you to move from here.
And don't let Agnes out of your sight.
Why, you may be able to help me plug up a top-secret security leak.
Oh, now, don't move from here.
[.]
Here, Agnes.
Come to Papa.
Pop, you can't do that.
She belongs to a lady.
What lady? The one who was on that park bench.
JASON: She's gone.
Well, you certainly can't give it to her if she's not there.
I'll take it.
She built it.
It's her idea.
Are you suggesting your own father would steal somebody else's idea? No, Pop, but Well, I should hope not.
Now, look, Jase, you go on home and stay in your room until I get there.
That colonel told me not to move.
Who's your superior officer: Him or me? You, Pop.
Move out.
Agnes, baby, what do you say we see if you're patented? You what? Well, I-I gave Agnes to a little boy to play with in the park.
Oh, but do not worry, master.
He's a very nice little boy.
And his daddy is a toymaker too, so he was very interested.
Y-You get it back.
Get it back.
I don't care how.
Get it back and get rid of it permanently.
Puh! But, master, he's just a little boy.
Permanently.
Goodbye.
"My master is a meanie.
" Huh? Oh, get it, get it, get it, get it.
"My master is a meanie.
" Oh, listen, I think we're in trouble.
Huh? Oh, don't Don't worry.
When Jeannie knows what to do, she'll do it.
Yeah.
Anyway, they'll never be able to prove there was a model.
Yeah.
Ha, ha.
Yeah.
Let me in there.
Where? Now, hold on, Oglethorpe.
There's no need to jump to conclusions.
Did? You were the one who saw her.
This morning.
Well, I know, but I Then Then again, in the park.
Just now.
Well? Did you or didn't you? Yes, but I'm sure there's some explanation.
And I know what it is.
These two stole our new top-secret weapon, and they sold it to a toy manufacturer.
[.]
I demand that Mr.
Oglethorpe retract that statement.
If he believes there's a toy replica of Agnes around, I insist that he produce it.
He's got you there, Oglethorpe.
You'll have to produce evidence.
What about you? You saw Agnes yourself.
I saw what I thought was Agnes.
Yes.
Uh, it could be one of thousands of Of space toys.
There are thousands on the market.
Blazes.
The boy called it Agnes.
Yeah.
It It looked like Agnes.
It blinked like Agnes.
Sir, if these allegations are to continue, I demand that we be formally charged and And brought to trial in the highest military court.
Liberty and justice for all.
With liberty and justice for All right, Nelson.
There can't be that many toy manufacturers in Cocoa Beach.
I'm going out to look for Agnes, and you two better pray I don't find her.
Uh Uh Oglethorpe.
Oh, uh, he won't find her, will he? No, of course not, sir.
How could he? Ha, ha, ha.
Ah.
Okay.
Ah.
Great speech, Tony.
Great speech.
Thanks, Roge.
Now we'd better work on the one we're gonna give when we're in front of the firing squad.
Huh? [WHISTLING.]
Hi, Pop.
Oh, Jase.
Glad you're back.
Wait till you see what I've got for you.
I'm sorry I ran off.
I went back to the park.
[SIGHS.]
Don't think another thing about it, son.
Unreasonable orders are made to be disobeyed.
Pop.
Hm? This is Jeannie.
She found me there.
She owns Agnes.
H-how do you do? That's a great toy you invented, miss.
A great toy.
Think fast, son.
What's this? That is a football.
And over there is a football helmet and a baseball bat and a pitcher's glove, and And that's a muscle-building set.
You always wanted to be the strongest boy on the block.
What'd you do, Pop, rob a bank? Nope.
But while you were gone, your old man signed a contract to sell Agnes to Astro Toys, Incorporated.
Isn't that marvelous, Miss, uh, Jeannie? Marvelous? Oh, that is terrible.
Now, look, I know what you're gonna say: Agnes wasn't mine to sell.
You're right.
You invented it, and you're in for 50 percent.
Look at it this way, uh, Miss Jeannie: If you invented a marvelous toy like Agnes, you can invent plenty of others.
Right? You're a genius.
Genie.
Genius is plural.
Sure.
But, me, I I've been trying to crack the toy market for years.
The MacWhorter heat-seeking missile.
The MacWhorter flying stratosub.
And hundreds of others.
But nobody was interested.
You know why? Because they were junk.
[.]
I'm a fake and a fraud.
No, you're not, Pop.
Listen, Jeannie.
With Agnes, for the first time, I'm able to give Jason the things he deserves.
JASON: Jeannie, you're being taken.
My dad may be a lousy toy inventor, but he's the greatest con man in the world.
Right.
And I'm exactly what you need for a partner.
Now, how about it, Jeannie? For Jase? One for all, and all for one? [MUFFLED MOAN.]
Um I-I-I will be right back.
You? You let him keep it? Oh, master.
If you could see the way he loves his son.
All the wonderful things he wants to do for him.
[GROANS.]
Oh, I could not take Agnes away from them.
Oh.
Jeannie.
It would break my heart.
Yeah, break your heart.
Steak, medium rare.
Mashed potatoes.
Crêpe suzette.
Roger, what are you doing? I'm rehearsing for my last meal.
Oh.
Do you have any idea what they're gonna do to us if Oglethorpe finds Agnes? Oh, master, I would not let them do anything to you.
I would blink you away.
Oh, great.
We could go live with my family in Baghdad.
Well, there's not a heck of a lot for an astronaut to do in Baghdad, Jeannie.
Oh, yes.
You are You are right.
Yeah.
Well, I will try again.
Hey, wait a minute.
I'm going with you.
You're too soft.
Oh.
Heh.
Don't you want me to order for you? But I had no idea.
Why, Astro's Toys, Inc.
Is a most reputable firm.
How could such a thing like this have happened? Well, we don't know, exactly.
I do know this.
That if you know the whereabouts of Agnes, and you withhold the information, you'll find yourself charged as an accessory.
Of course, major.
I understand perfectly.
After all, what's a small boy's faith in his father compared to the national security? Oh, uh, Mr.
MacWhorter, now, I I I didn't Not another word, major.
I'm sorry, son, but the football will have to go back.
And the football helmet.
[SOBS.]
And the baseball bat.
And the muscle-building set.
Oh, brother.
Oh, master, you see how sad it is.
Mr.
MacWhorter, if it's money you want, I could certainly lend you Absolutely not, major.
We MacWhorters still have our pride, don't we, son? How much did you have in mind, major? [KNOCK AT DOOR.]
OGLETHORPE: I know you're there, Nelson! [QUIETLY.]
Get out.
Excuse me, major, would you hold this? Oh.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Here, here.
Gotcha.
[WHEEZY LAUGH.]
They can't do anything to us.
We're innocent.
So was Joan of Arc.
OGLETHORPE: You saw Agnes! BELLOWS: I thought I saw Agnes.
GENERAL: Gentlemen, please.
Oh, I think I'll give myself up.
Oh, Roger, pull yourself together.
Yeah.
I won't give myself up.
OGLETHORPE: No! Hello.
What are you doing here? I'm waiting for my court-martial.
What are you doing here? Court-martial? But why? "Why"? NASA gets a little testy about people giving away their top secrets, that's why.
Oh, but that is not a top secret.
Well, it would not even fly unless I help it.
I told you about the kinessive.
Oh, Jeannie, will you stop with the kinessi? Unless you can help it? Well, I made it fly.
Can you put it back the way it was? [LAUGHS.]
Oh, but of course.
Oh, Jeannie, I could kiss you.
Oh! That is a lovely idea.
How about me? I'm being court-martialed too.
Off.
Get out.
They're coming to get us.
TONY: You gotta get out.
Get up.
Major Healy.
I'm up.
Remember, you're an officer.
Yes, sir.
All right, gentlemen.
They're ready for you.
Yes, sir.
Uh, good luck.
Thank you, sir.
Gentlemen, I have here physical proof, and corroborating evidence from several witnesses who are willing and ready to testify, that the security on Project Agnes has been irreparably compromised.
I insist court-martial procedures be instituted immediately against Major Nelson and Major Healy.
Uh, Major Nelson, say something.
[WHIMPERING.]
BELLOWS: Major Healy, for heaven's sake, say something.
You're standing on my foot.
Uh, there's been a little misunderstanding here.
You'll laugh when I tell you what happened.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Well, uh, Major Healy and I were asked to evaluate Agnes here as a possible new flying platform responsive to voice command.
And it worked, so you sold it! [SCOFFS.]
Mr.
Oglethorpe, do you insist that that is Is Agnes? Well, of course this is Agnes.
Toynapper.
Well, if it's Agnes, I'm afraid it won't work.
Slander.
Libel! General, I protest.
TONY: Sir, anyone with half an eye can see that the kinessive overextends into the gibraun.
You say Agnes won't fly? That's correct.
Watch.
Agnes, up.
[.]
Agnes, up.
[WEAKLY.]
Up.
Agnes, it's me, Marvin.
Your inventor.
Up.
Please.
Uppy.
You need help? OGLETHORPE: Agnes, fly.
[BEEPS.]
What is this? It's just a cheap toy.
An impostor.
Agnes would never do this to me.
Would you, baby? Gentlemen, I'm afraid we're gonna have to reconsider the whole project.
[.]
And its designer.
[SOBS.]
Back to the drawing board, Oglethorpe.
I knew it.
I knew there was nothing to it.
Oglethorpe.
BELLOWS: Uh, Major We're prepared to drop the whole thing, sir.
Well, that's very good of you.
Imagine mistaking a child's toy for a complex piece of aeronautical hardware.
ROBOTIC FEMALE VOICE: My name is Agnes.
Change me, Mommy.
It's, uh, just a child's toy.
How do you do? It's just a child's toy.
My name is Agnes.
Just a child's toy.
[.]
So if she's of any use to you at all, Agnes is yours, free and clear.
And I do not wish to be a partner, Mr.
MacWhorter.
You and Jason may have it all.
Well, that's very generous of the both of you, but, uh, if what you say is true, uh I mean, if it breaks the first time it flies Looks like we got another stratosub, huh, Pop? W-Wait a minute.
MacWhorter, just think: A toy that breaks the first time you use it.
Why, it is the ultimate in planned obsolescence.
The perfect toy.
Ha, ha.
Why, we'll make millions! Right, uh, partners? Eh, well, if you put it that way, Beattie.
What do you say, son? Anything you say, Pop.
May we go home now, please? Yeah, any place you want.
Any place? Yeah.
MacWHORTER: Major? Miss Jeannie? Where did they go? I wanted to thank them.
Oh, well, no one knows, MacWhorter.
They go around helping people all the time, then they just disappear off into the sunset.
Kinda chokes you up, doesn't it? Well, happy toys.
[CHUCKLES.]
[.]
Yeah.
Well, the meeting's at 5:00.
It'll probably go on for hours.
See, the exterior dimensions are 38, 23, 35.
Thirty-eight, 22.
What? Twenty-three.
Thirty-eight, 23, 35.
Thirty-five.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, no, no.
Those are Agnes' dimensions.
Heh, heh, heh.
Who is Agnes? Oh, Agnes is not a who.
She's a what.
Tony.
Huh? I'm just I'm on the phone.
I know, but Jeannie isn't.
Hm? Oh, what are you doing here? I've told you a thousand times not to come here, Jeannie.
Now get back on the phone.
First, I would like to meet Agnes.
Huh? I-I-I'll call you back.
[GRUMBLES.]
Here.
Jeannie, this is Agnes.
Agnes, this is Jeannie.
Uh, Jea Uh Agnes stands for Anti-Gravity Nuclear Earth Station.
Roger and I are giving an evaluation report at 5:00.
Now are you satisfied? Oh, it is very nice, master.
Very nice, yes.
But it will never get off the ground.
Yes, you see, its kinessive is overextended onto the gibraun.
What? Right there.
The kinessive is overextended onto the gibraun.
Uh, that certainly wipes out my theory.
We We'd better tell Oglethorpe.
Yeah.
Uh, Jeannie, you're a wonderful girl.
And I I would be the last person in the world to ever underestimate your talents, but Well, frankly, I don't think you have the foggiest notion of whether or not Agnes will fly.
Why not? Well, my ancestors were flying carpets while yours were still hollowing out canoes.
She got a point there.
Oh, beautiful.
I'll just tell the general: "Um, I'm sorry, sir, I can't approve the plans.
The kinessive overextends onto the gibraun.
" Why tell him anything? Why do you not show him a scale model? A scale model? Do you have any idea how much? Jeannie, a scale model would take months and months of work and hundreds of thousands of dollars.
[SCOFFS.]
"Make a scale mo" Hey, look.
Hey, is that it? Uh-huh.
Oh, that's beautiful! Look at that, Roge.
BELLOWS: Major Nelson! Dr.
Bellows.
Dr.
Bellows! Oh, uh, Major, I've got the results of those tests.
ROBOTIC FEMALE VOICE: How do you do? My name is Agnes.
I am an Anti-Gravity Nuclear Earth Station.
Just what is that? [.]
[.]
[.]
What is that? What? What is that? Oh, it's It's a child's toy.
Uh, yes, sir.
It's like one of those dolls that you squeeze and it says, uh, "Change me, Mommy.
" Huh? Heh, heh, heh, heh.
Yeah.
But I distinctly heard it say: "My name is Agnes.
" It was lying.
It looks like Agnes.
I wanna know where this toy came from, hm? Oglethorpe must see this at once.
How about that? Good thinking? "Child's toy.
" Ha.
Always using the old brain.
Yeah, terrific, Roge.
Yeah, now I want you to think of something to tell Mr.
Oglethorpe when he finds out that his radical new space station that he designed is already a child's toy.
And his plans are still on the NASA drawing board.
Bad thinking.
Bad.
Bad.
Jeannie! As I was saying, master, you can see that the kinessive is I would like you to take Agnes and get outta here, please.
But, master, you need me.
No.
No buts.
Find something to occupy your time until we're through with the project.
Oh! No "oh.
" Please.
Now.
Go.
Thank you.
Oh, Jeannie! Yes? Mm.
Huh? Oh.
Great, now what are we gonna do when Dr.
Bellows brings in Oglethorpe? The same thing Agnes did.
What's that? Lie.
OGLETHORPE: I never heard anything so ridiculous.
If it's gonna start, then why doesn't it start now? You know as well as I do.
I wanna know where it came from.
Thirty-eight, Where's Agnes? Huh? Agnes? Agnes? Agnes.
Oh, oh, Agnes, yes.
Well, here are the blueprints right here, sir.
No, no, no, no.
Not the drawing.
The model.
The toy.
The toy? Toy? The toy that was right here.
Th-that talks.
Like the doll that you squeeze and it says: "Change me, Mommy.
" Uh, we've all been under a lot of, ahem, pressure lately trying to make the deadline.
And when you squeezed it, it said, "Change me, Mama.
" No! It said, "My name is Agnes.
" If you say so, sir.
Doctor.
Agnes wouldn't talk.
She'd bleep.
Bleep? Oh! Excuse me.
I'd better take the rest of the afternoon off.
[.]
Hi, Jase.
Oh, hi, Pop.
Did you get it? Did I get it? Take a look at this.
Ah, there it is.
A remote-control box for a TV set? Pop, we don't have a TV set.
Ah, but we will have.
Dozens of 'em, if we want.
When this little dandy is hooked up the MacWhorter flying stratosub will be operational and marketable.
Who ever heard of a flying submarine? Who ever heard of a Hula-Hoop? You pawned the motorcycle for this? You're looking at me that way again, Jase.
What way? Oh, the way that says I'm an irresponsible, impractical phony, who would rather invent toys that don't sell than take a job and support his son.
I'm sorry.
Don't be, it's true.
At least it was, but not after this.
Not after the MacWhorter flying stratosub hits the toy market.
Come on.
Let's go to the park and give it a try.
Pop? What if it doesn't work? Well, why shouldn't it work? It's got exactly the same mechanism as the MacWhorter heat-seeking missile.
I know.
And that one went through Mrs.
Drexel's kitchen window and crashed right into her stove.
See, it worked.
It was seeking heat.
This is it, Jase.
Okay, Pop.
You can blast off anytime.
You keep a close track on it.
Fame and fortune, here we come.
[.]
It's gonna work.
[BUZZING.]
It works.
It's working.
Jase, it works.
We're gonna be rich.
It's working.
We're gonna be rich.
Oh, God, look at it go.
MacWHORTER: We're gonna be rich.
We're gonna be rich.
Okay, Pop, bring it back.
I can't.
It won't respond.
There it goes.
All right, you keep it in sight, son.
Oh.
Is this your toy, little boy? It was.
There goes another million down the tubes.
Aw.
I am sorry it is broken.
Would you like another toy to play with? No thanks, lady.
I'm trying to kick the habit.
Oh, well you may have Agnes.
I'm too old for girls.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, no, no, no.
This is Agnes.
[.]
What is it? Well, I-it is called an Anti-Gravity Nuclear Earth Station.
Agnes.
Yeah.
I've never seen anything like this.
Where'd you get it? I made it.
What's it do? Well, I-I-it is supposed to orbit the moon, but this one will not fly.
Boy, I wish this could fly.
Do you? Hey, that's great.
I'd like to see it land.
It obeys my voice.
Agnes, stop.
[MAGIC BOINGS.]
It must have a self-contained voice modulation response unit.
If you say so.
Why do you not play with it for a while? Can I? Mm-hm.
Gee, thanks, lady.
Agnes, up.
[LAUGHS.]
Agnes, forward march.
Agnes, halt.
Agnes, down.
Agnes, up.
Agnes, forward march.
Way to go.
I understand these things.
I'm a psychiatrist.
Hard work, not enough sleep.
Uh, good morning, sir.
After all, one low-grade hallucination doesn't necessarily mean that a man has flipped his lid, does it? I Agnes? I knew it.
I knew it.
JASON: Agnes! Here! Come back here, Agnes.
Come back here, and that's an order.
Halt.
Hello, son.
Well, that's quite a toy you've got up there.
Did I hear you call it Agnes? Yes, sir.
Where did you get it? From that lady over there.
She made it herself.
What lady? Well, she was there a minute ago.
Now listen, son.
As you can see, I'm a United States Air Force colonel.
Now, I don't want you to move from here.
And don't let Agnes out of your sight.
Why, you may be able to help me plug up a top-secret security leak.
Oh, now, don't move from here.
[.]
Here, Agnes.
Come to Papa.
Pop, you can't do that.
She belongs to a lady.
What lady? The one who was on that park bench.
JASON: She's gone.
Well, you certainly can't give it to her if she's not there.
I'll take it.
She built it.
It's her idea.
Are you suggesting your own father would steal somebody else's idea? No, Pop, but Well, I should hope not.
Now, look, Jase, you go on home and stay in your room until I get there.
That colonel told me not to move.
Who's your superior officer: Him or me? You, Pop.
Move out.
Agnes, baby, what do you say we see if you're patented? You what? Well, I-I gave Agnes to a little boy to play with in the park.
Oh, but do not worry, master.
He's a very nice little boy.
And his daddy is a toymaker too, so he was very interested.
Y-You get it back.
Get it back.
I don't care how.
Get it back and get rid of it permanently.
Puh! But, master, he's just a little boy.
Permanently.
Goodbye.
"My master is a meanie.
" Huh? Oh, get it, get it, get it, get it.
"My master is a meanie.
" Oh, listen, I think we're in trouble.
Huh? Oh, don't Don't worry.
When Jeannie knows what to do, she'll do it.
Yeah.
Anyway, they'll never be able to prove there was a model.
Yeah.
Ha, ha.
Yeah.
Let me in there.
Where? Now, hold on, Oglethorpe.
There's no need to jump to conclusions.
Did? You were the one who saw her.
This morning.
Well, I know, but I Then Then again, in the park.
Just now.
Well? Did you or didn't you? Yes, but I'm sure there's some explanation.
And I know what it is.
These two stole our new top-secret weapon, and they sold it to a toy manufacturer.
[.]
I demand that Mr.
Oglethorpe retract that statement.
If he believes there's a toy replica of Agnes around, I insist that he produce it.
He's got you there, Oglethorpe.
You'll have to produce evidence.
What about you? You saw Agnes yourself.
I saw what I thought was Agnes.
Yes.
Uh, it could be one of thousands of Of space toys.
There are thousands on the market.
Blazes.
The boy called it Agnes.
Yeah.
It It looked like Agnes.
It blinked like Agnes.
Sir, if these allegations are to continue, I demand that we be formally charged and And brought to trial in the highest military court.
Liberty and justice for all.
With liberty and justice for All right, Nelson.
There can't be that many toy manufacturers in Cocoa Beach.
I'm going out to look for Agnes, and you two better pray I don't find her.
Uh Uh Oglethorpe.
Oh, uh, he won't find her, will he? No, of course not, sir.
How could he? Ha, ha, ha.
Ah.
Okay.
Ah.
Great speech, Tony.
Great speech.
Thanks, Roge.
Now we'd better work on the one we're gonna give when we're in front of the firing squad.
Huh? [WHISTLING.]
Hi, Pop.
Oh, Jase.
Glad you're back.
Wait till you see what I've got for you.
I'm sorry I ran off.
I went back to the park.
[SIGHS.]
Don't think another thing about it, son.
Unreasonable orders are made to be disobeyed.
Pop.
Hm? This is Jeannie.
She found me there.
She owns Agnes.
H-how do you do? That's a great toy you invented, miss.
A great toy.
Think fast, son.
What's this? That is a football.
And over there is a football helmet and a baseball bat and a pitcher's glove, and And that's a muscle-building set.
You always wanted to be the strongest boy on the block.
What'd you do, Pop, rob a bank? Nope.
But while you were gone, your old man signed a contract to sell Agnes to Astro Toys, Incorporated.
Isn't that marvelous, Miss, uh, Jeannie? Marvelous? Oh, that is terrible.
Now, look, I know what you're gonna say: Agnes wasn't mine to sell.
You're right.
You invented it, and you're in for 50 percent.
Look at it this way, uh, Miss Jeannie: If you invented a marvelous toy like Agnes, you can invent plenty of others.
Right? You're a genius.
Genie.
Genius is plural.
Sure.
But, me, I I've been trying to crack the toy market for years.
The MacWhorter heat-seeking missile.
The MacWhorter flying stratosub.
And hundreds of others.
But nobody was interested.
You know why? Because they were junk.
[.]
I'm a fake and a fraud.
No, you're not, Pop.
Listen, Jeannie.
With Agnes, for the first time, I'm able to give Jason the things he deserves.
JASON: Jeannie, you're being taken.
My dad may be a lousy toy inventor, but he's the greatest con man in the world.
Right.
And I'm exactly what you need for a partner.
Now, how about it, Jeannie? For Jase? One for all, and all for one? [MUFFLED MOAN.]
Um I-I-I will be right back.
You? You let him keep it? Oh, master.
If you could see the way he loves his son.
All the wonderful things he wants to do for him.
[GROANS.]
Oh, I could not take Agnes away from them.
Oh.
Jeannie.
It would break my heart.
Yeah, break your heart.
Steak, medium rare.
Mashed potatoes.
Crêpe suzette.
Roger, what are you doing? I'm rehearsing for my last meal.
Oh.
Do you have any idea what they're gonna do to us if Oglethorpe finds Agnes? Oh, master, I would not let them do anything to you.
I would blink you away.
Oh, great.
We could go live with my family in Baghdad.
Well, there's not a heck of a lot for an astronaut to do in Baghdad, Jeannie.
Oh, yes.
You are You are right.
Yeah.
Well, I will try again.
Hey, wait a minute.
I'm going with you.
You're too soft.
Oh.
Heh.
Don't you want me to order for you? But I had no idea.
Why, Astro's Toys, Inc.
Is a most reputable firm.
How could such a thing like this have happened? Well, we don't know, exactly.
I do know this.
That if you know the whereabouts of Agnes, and you withhold the information, you'll find yourself charged as an accessory.
Of course, major.
I understand perfectly.
After all, what's a small boy's faith in his father compared to the national security? Oh, uh, Mr.
MacWhorter, now, I I I didn't Not another word, major.
I'm sorry, son, but the football will have to go back.
And the football helmet.
[SOBS.]
And the baseball bat.
And the muscle-building set.
Oh, brother.
Oh, master, you see how sad it is.
Mr.
MacWhorter, if it's money you want, I could certainly lend you Absolutely not, major.
We MacWhorters still have our pride, don't we, son? How much did you have in mind, major? [KNOCK AT DOOR.]
OGLETHORPE: I know you're there, Nelson! [QUIETLY.]
Get out.
Excuse me, major, would you hold this? Oh.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Here, here.
Gotcha.
[WHEEZY LAUGH.]
They can't do anything to us.
We're innocent.
So was Joan of Arc.
OGLETHORPE: You saw Agnes! BELLOWS: I thought I saw Agnes.
GENERAL: Gentlemen, please.
Oh, I think I'll give myself up.
Oh, Roger, pull yourself together.
Yeah.
I won't give myself up.
OGLETHORPE: No! Hello.
What are you doing here? I'm waiting for my court-martial.
What are you doing here? Court-martial? But why? "Why"? NASA gets a little testy about people giving away their top secrets, that's why.
Oh, but that is not a top secret.
Well, it would not even fly unless I help it.
I told you about the kinessive.
Oh, Jeannie, will you stop with the kinessi? Unless you can help it? Well, I made it fly.
Can you put it back the way it was? [LAUGHS.]
Oh, but of course.
Oh, Jeannie, I could kiss you.
Oh! That is a lovely idea.
How about me? I'm being court-martialed too.
Off.
Get out.
They're coming to get us.
TONY: You gotta get out.
Get up.
Major Healy.
I'm up.
Remember, you're an officer.
Yes, sir.
All right, gentlemen.
They're ready for you.
Yes, sir.
Uh, good luck.
Thank you, sir.
Gentlemen, I have here physical proof, and corroborating evidence from several witnesses who are willing and ready to testify, that the security on Project Agnes has been irreparably compromised.
I insist court-martial procedures be instituted immediately against Major Nelson and Major Healy.
Uh, Major Nelson, say something.
[WHIMPERING.]
BELLOWS: Major Healy, for heaven's sake, say something.
You're standing on my foot.
Uh, there's been a little misunderstanding here.
You'll laugh when I tell you what happened.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Well, uh, Major Healy and I were asked to evaluate Agnes here as a possible new flying platform responsive to voice command.
And it worked, so you sold it! [SCOFFS.]
Mr.
Oglethorpe, do you insist that that is Is Agnes? Well, of course this is Agnes.
Toynapper.
Well, if it's Agnes, I'm afraid it won't work.
Slander.
Libel! General, I protest.
TONY: Sir, anyone with half an eye can see that the kinessive overextends into the gibraun.
You say Agnes won't fly? That's correct.
Watch.
Agnes, up.
[.]
Agnes, up.
[WEAKLY.]
Up.
Agnes, it's me, Marvin.
Your inventor.
Up.
Please.
Uppy.
You need help? OGLETHORPE: Agnes, fly.
[BEEPS.]
What is this? It's just a cheap toy.
An impostor.
Agnes would never do this to me.
Would you, baby? Gentlemen, I'm afraid we're gonna have to reconsider the whole project.
[.]
And its designer.
[SOBS.]
Back to the drawing board, Oglethorpe.
I knew it.
I knew there was nothing to it.
Oglethorpe.
BELLOWS: Uh, Major We're prepared to drop the whole thing, sir.
Well, that's very good of you.
Imagine mistaking a child's toy for a complex piece of aeronautical hardware.
ROBOTIC FEMALE VOICE: My name is Agnes.
Change me, Mommy.
It's, uh, just a child's toy.
How do you do? It's just a child's toy.
My name is Agnes.
Just a child's toy.
[.]
So if she's of any use to you at all, Agnes is yours, free and clear.
And I do not wish to be a partner, Mr.
MacWhorter.
You and Jason may have it all.
Well, that's very generous of the both of you, but, uh, if what you say is true, uh I mean, if it breaks the first time it flies Looks like we got another stratosub, huh, Pop? W-Wait a minute.
MacWhorter, just think: A toy that breaks the first time you use it.
Why, it is the ultimate in planned obsolescence.
The perfect toy.
Ha, ha.
Why, we'll make millions! Right, uh, partners? Eh, well, if you put it that way, Beattie.
What do you say, son? Anything you say, Pop.
May we go home now, please? Yeah, any place you want.
Any place? Yeah.
MacWHORTER: Major? Miss Jeannie? Where did they go? I wanted to thank them.
Oh, well, no one knows, MacWhorter.
They go around helping people all the time, then they just disappear off into the sunset.
Kinda chokes you up, doesn't it? Well, happy toys.
[CHUCKLES.]
[.]