I Dream of Jeannie (1965) s05e02 Episode Script
Djinn, Djinn, the Pied Piper
[.]
TONY: Roge, uh, could you hurry it up? Dr.
Bellows frowns on two hour lunches, you know.
Tony, will you please? I'm trying to make this shot.
Psst.
Psst.
Master.
What are you doing here? Get out.
Master, which would you prefer: Chicken, fish, or saddle of yak for dinner? I cannot make up my mind.
You came here in the middle of all these people to ask me that? Hey, I got 'em now.
Seven to five.
Oh, hi, Jeannie.
Hello, Major Healey.
Roger Master, I would not have bothered you here at work, except that if you wish the yak, I must go to Tibet for the saddle.
Major Healey, it's nearly 2:00.
Oh, well Well, it's not me, sir.
I'm waiting for Tony.
I was just killing time.
Major Nelson, why are you hunched over like that? Some sort of, uh, stomach distress? No, no, everything's fine, sir.
Nothing like that.
I was just tinkling on the old ivories.
Oh, really? Yeah.
I didn't know you played the piano.
Yeah, I can't.
I can't.
Uh I, uh, took lessons when I was a kid though.
Uh, play something for me.
TONY: No, really.
I-I can't, sir.
I wish I could.
It'd be great, but It would be nice.
After After four years of lessons, all I ended up with was "Chopsticks.
" Ha, ha.
[PLAYING MOZART'S "RONDA ALLA TURCA".]
[.]
[.]
[FINISHES PLAYING.]
Bravo! Bravol I didn't know you could play the piano.
Why, Major Nelson, that was absolutely extraordinary.
And you said you couldn't play.
I can't.
I-I couldn't.
Well, I-I-I didn't know I remembered.
Ha, ha.
ROGER: Didn't remember? You didn't even have any music.
Sir, if you'll excuse me.
Of course, major, of course.
We'll postpone our little meeting.
I can't wait to tell General Schaeffer about this.
I-I wish you wouldn't do that, sir.
Major, you can't hide a talent like yours.
Why, I'm no critic, but, uh, I haven't heard music played like this outside of a concert hall.
[CHUCKLING.]
Oh, well, thank you.
BELLOWS: Oh, ah, captain, about that meeting: We'll postpone Tony, that's not talent, that's genius.
You're not too far wrong.
Look.
Look.
Oh.
Wh-whoa.
Sorry.
Major Healey.
Major Healey, be careful.
Major Nelson's fingers are precious.
Uh, yes, sir, watch out for all doors.
Careful with your hands.
You got to watch where you're putting your hands I don't see how you could do a cockeyed like Thing like that to me.
You do not like music? Yes, of course.
I I love music.
I also like football, but I don't want you to turn me into O.
J.
Simpson.
I'm sorry.
I just got through telling Dr.
Bellows that I can hardly play "Chopsticks" and you turn me into a A Van Cliburn, and Rudolph Serkin and Charley Steinway, for all I know.
Oh, no, master.
I would never do that to you.
Yeah.
I was there, remember? And so was everybody else.
Oh, but you were not playing.
Well, who was, the? The Easter Bunny? The piano.
Yeah I It's like my fingers had a mind of their own.
The piano? Yes, master.
Do you realize what a great burden of responsibility it would be to have that talent in your fingers? The hours and hours of drudgery in practice in those sweet, little darling fingers.
I would never do that to you, so I blinked the burden on the piano.
Everybody who sits on the piano could do what I did? Oh, yes, master.
It has an enormous repertoire.
[LAUGHING.]
I Yeah, well, blink it back.
Oh, yes, master.
Ha-ha.
Back where? Not Not "where.
" You blink it back the way it was.
SCHAEFFER: Slow down, doctor, there's nothing in Major Nelson's General Schaeffer.
Get out.
Go on, out, out.
[YELLS.]
You don't have to believe me, general.
Ask Major Healey.
Ask any of the others who were here.
In fact, it was at that very piano.
Now, I admit it seems strange, but he was telling me that the only thing he could play was "Chopsticks.
" Then he sat down here, and he [TONY PLAYING PIANO.]
I'm, uh [CHUCKLES.]
Sorry, sir.
When I get the urge to play, I just can't contain myself.
You see, general? You see? You're right, doctor.
He's He's magnificent.
Major Nelson, as of this moment, I am taking you off flying status.
Huh?! You are going to make a concert tour.
[SCOFFS.]
Sir, I'm an astronaut.
I don't know anything about concerts.
[LAUGHING.]
Perfect.
Perfect.
He's not only brilliant, he's modest.
Come along, doctor, we have to get in touch with Sol Hurok.
Wait, doctor.
Uh, practice, major, practice.
Sir, w-wait! [STAMMERS, CRIES OUT.]
[.]
Jeannie.
Hello, master, darling.
Oh.
You are late.
Yeah.
Of course I'm late.
I had to babysit with that lunatic piano until everybody left.
Eh, what's all that for? It is my new gown for your debut.
Do you like it? Yeah, yeah, it's great, but I'm not gonna have a debut.
Now, how did you know about that, anyhow, huh? Oh, Master, Major Healey said that Hi, Tony.
What are you all dressed up for, Roger? How about that? Does that grab you? This is what all the leading impresarios wear.
Came with the glasses and everything.
Will somebody please tell me what's going on? Well Oh, watch the hand.
Oh, watch Watch it.
Well, they couldn't get Sol Hurok, so they had to settle for me.
Well, we've got you booked in Pensacola, Annapolis, West Point Is it not exciting? The Air Force Academy and Anderson, Indiana.
Uh, wh-what's in Anderson, Indiana? I got a girl in that town.
Well, she'll just have to wait.
Now cancel everything.
Oh, but master But master, but master, I've been on the phone all day.
I mean, I got everything looked in.
Well, unlock it.
I'm not going on any concert tour.
Oh, do not worry, master.
You will be a huge success.
I shall fix every piano you play.
Jeannie, the only thing I want you to do is blink the one in the recreation room back to normal.
Oh.
Oh, well, I-I could not do that.
Jeannie, that's an order.
Oh, I did not mean I would not.
It is easy enough to put the music in, but once it is in Heh.
Well, it has to play itself out.
Oh, swell.
Listen, Jeannie, what I want you to do I-I believe that I-I shall go and And blink dinner.
Ah, great.
It's all settled.
Ah, she can be my assistant and she can blink all the pianos you play.
And leave a trail of magic pianos all around the country? Use it.
Use the head.
Think! Oh.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
We'll We'll have to use the piano in the recreation room.
Roger, I'm not using I told you, I'm not go I'm not playing.
Hey, now, wait a minute.
That might be Oh, that's gonna be good publicity.
That's great.
You'll be the only virtuoso who plays concerts on a little red spinet.
Great, great, great.
Roger.
Roger? Don't forget: Be ready.
Pensacola tomorrow morning.
Careful with the hands.
[.]
There's more than one way to tune a piano.
[.]
Careful, careful, careful with the keyboard.
Careful, careful.
Oh, Tony, do you have a couple dollars? I want to tip the guys.
[.]
Never mind, I'll get the change from the cashier.
[.]
BELLOWS: That's terrible, major.
How did it happen? Just carelessness on my part, sir.
The I didn't know the stove was lit, and Well, it's pretty painful.
I can't move the hand.
Well, we'll have to cancel the tour, of course.
It's obvious you can't play the piano like that.
I'm kind of disappointed.
I was looking forward to making the tour Oh, excuse me, Dr.
Bellows.
Uh, the plane's ready.
I'm afraid it's all off, major.
Sorry, Roge.
Major Nelson just burnt his hand.
Burned his hard? You burned Oh, I'm sorry.
Come on over in the light here.
Look, I took first aid in high school.
Let me take a good look at it.
Wait.
Wait a minute, Roger.
There's nothing wrong with your hand.
It's a burned hand.
Oh.
Yeah.
Oh, it's burned.
Oh, sure.
Yeah, it's burned.
Terrible burn.
A bad one.
Burny burn BELLOWS: Just a moment, major.
Let the doctor take a look at it.
Yeah.
There's nothing wrong with that hand.
Ah, w-well, actually, one of the reasons Oh, I understand, major.
You're just too modest.
You can't stand the thought of being famous.
[CHUCKLES.]
A few concerts under his belt, he'll be fine.
Well, uh, let's go, maestro.
Uh, yeah Wait, Roger.
Roger, thanks.
I'm gonna remember you for this.
Thanks a lot.
[.]
[TONY CRIES OUT.]
[CROWD CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY.]
[PLAYING CLASSICAL MUSIC.]
[.]
Now, look, fellows, this all may go over subtly Get ready.
He's coming.
[ALL CHATTER INDISTINCTLY.]
I couldn't possibly [ALL OFFERING CONGRATULATIONS.]
BELLOWS: Wait a minute.
Wait, wait.
[ALL CHATTERING.]
What's this all about, sir? Well, major, it's just a little gathering of your friends and colleagues to show you how much we appreciate what you've done.
Well, thank you all very much, but I've done nothing, sir.
A New York debut at Symphony Hall tomorrow night and you say it's nothing? Well, it's certainly been interesting, I could say that, but I want you all to know that tomorrow night's concert is gonna be my last.
We all thought it was a marvelous piece of showmanship that you played all your concerts on NASA's own, uh, battered red spinet.
But, uh, you're beyond that now, so, uh, we took the liberty of getting rid of it and replacing it with the Major Anthony Nelson Memorial Piano.
Uh, please.
[DRUM ROLL.]
"Memorial" piano? Isn't that? Isn't that for dead people? Stick around, Roge.
[INDISTINCT CHATTERING.]
Major, play.
Huh? Ha-ha, that's an order.
[LAUGHTER.]
[SIGHS.]
Well [CHUCKLING.]
[KNUCKLES CRACK.]
[PLAYING "CHOPSTICKS".]
[PLAYING TUNELESSLY.]
[CHUCKLING.]
[LAUGHTER.]
[ALL APPLAUD.]
Roger, how could you let that happen? Well, the piano was routed for Symphony Hall.
Don't you understand? Tonight at 8:30 I'm gonna be in Symphony Hall in front of a full orchestra and packed house and what am I going to do without my little red spinet? Play "Chopsticks.
" Ha, ha, ha.
Funny, funny.
They're not gonna think it's funny.
I didn't think it was funny either.
[GROANS.]
What?! What is this? JEANNIE [MUFFLED.]
: Master, master, open up.
Agh.
Jeannie.
[SIGHS.]
Why can't she do anything simply? Ah-ha.
What do you think you're doing, huh? What's the big idea? Well, the drawer closed accidentally and I could not get out, so I had to blink the whole filing cabinet here.
I found it.
Let me see.
Uh, the Cocoa Beach Piano Sales.
Sixty dollar trade-in allowance.
That's it.
The red spinet.
Let's go.
Oh, master, what about me? The file cabinet.
Huh? Blink it back.
Blink it back.
Yes.
[.]
TONY: Twenty, 40, 60, 80, You want me to sell you this rare and beautiful antique that my mother worked and slaved to buy me for only a hundred bucks? Boy, talk about taking advantage of a little kid who's a member of a minority group.
Please, little boy.
It is very, very important.
How about a hundred dollars and an eight-by-10 picture of me in a space capsule? JEANNIE: Oh, lovely.
Okay um, a hundred and 10 dollars, huh? Is that all a mother's dream means to you? Can you believe that? Okay, 120, huh? Come on, look at the paint job.
Look at the chassis.
All 88 keys in perfect condition.
Whoa, no.
Ah, no, no, no.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
[GROANS.]
My fault.
My fault.
I'm sorry about your hand.
Don't be mad.
Little boy, be honest.
You do not really wish to play the piano, do you? No, but that isn't going to affect the price.
Now, if it was a trumpet, your anxious friends wouldn't have a chance.
Oh.
A trumpet? Yeah.
That's what I really want to play, but my mother says it pushes your teeth in.
That's all you got? Yeah.
And that leaves me flat.
Listen, about pushing his teeth in, maybe we could give him a Oh, yeah, you're right.
Okay, 150 bucks.
That's ab-absolutely rock bottom.
And a beautiful golden trumpet.
Oh-ho.
Wow.
Wow, mm-hm.
[PLAYING TRUMPET SKILLFULLY.]
Great technique, but no heart.
Okay.
All set.
Uh, is the piano okay? Oh, yes, master.
It is right here in my purse.
Huh? ROGER: Oh, cute.
It's a baby spinet.
[CHUCKLING.]
Oh, Jeannie, you better get this bill of sale back to Dr.
Bellow's files.
Oh, yes, master.
Immediately.
Oh, and now meet me in New York at Symphony Hall, my dressing room, in exactly, uh, three hours.
Let's synchronize watches.
BELLOWS: Major Nelson, Major Healey.
The plane's waiting! You get out.
Well, maestro, all ready? Yeah, he can't wait to get to the big city.
Are you going too, sir? Well, of course.
I wouldn't miss Major Nelson's New York debut for the world.
Come on, hurry up.
Yeah.
Well, uh Oh.
Here, you carry this.
It's good for the fingers.
Yes, General Schaeffer, I'm coming.
[.]
[GASPS.]
Help! Master, let me out, master.
[.]
[CROWD CHATTERING.]
TONY: Oh, look at the time.
Where is she, Roger? It's almost 8:30.
Well, you know how women are.
They're always late.
Yeah.
Well, she's got the piano.
She has the piano.
Well, she probably put it somewhere on stage and is waiting in the audience.
What is that thing you're working on, anyway? A bomb.
A bomb? A bomb?! Well, it's not exactly a bomb.
It's kind of a self-destruct mechanism.
I'm gonna put it in the piano.
You're gonna What are you talking about, Roger? Well, you said this, uh You wanted this to be your last concert? Yeah.
Well, I'll tell you what.
When you finish your last number, you take this little switch here.
See? And you switch it on and it starts ticking.
See? And in exactly 45 seconds: [BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
No No more magic piano.
Roger, that's really beautiful.
I know.
Ha-ha.
Brilliant.
Will you get out on stage and see if that piano is there? You know, sometimes I think you don't appreciate me.
Roger, please.
Go on, will you.
Get out there.
All right, I'm going, I'm going.
I made the bomb and you want me to get out.
JEANNIE [MUFFLED.]
: Please, someone let me out.
My master needs me.
Oh, I had better do it myself.
Master? Whoo-hoo, master.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
This way.
This way.
Is the piano all right? Yes.
Yes.
Don't worry, major.
It's all ready.
Oh.
Thanks.
Thanks.
[APPLAUSE.]
[CROWD MURMURING.]
Back.
Back.
No, no.
No, no.
The piano isn't here yet.
I know that.
What am I gonna do? Stall, stall.
Stall?! What do you mean? [APPLAUSE.]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS, MURMURS.]
[CRIES OUT.]
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[PLAYS SOUR NOTES.]
[CROWD CHATTERS.]
Please, please.
Would you take the piano.
Thank you.
I'm sorry.
Not here.
My dressing room.
[SIGHS.]
[SIGHS, CHUCKLES.]
[APPLAUSE.]
Magic tricks? At Symphony Hall? [CLEARS THROAT.]
That's the piano from the recreation hall.
Where did he get that? I can't imagine.
I traded it in this morning.
[PLAYING CLASSICAL MUSIC.]
[APPLAUSE.]
Bravo! Bravo! Genius.
[EXPLOSIVE TICKING.]
[FANFARE PLAYS.]
[PLAYING CHOPIN'S "THE MINUTE WALTZ" EXTRA FAST.]
[APPLAUSE.]
Why, he played "The Minute Waltz" in 34 seconds flat.
[TICKING CONTINUES.]
Oh, no.
More.
More.
Encore, encore, encore.
More, more.
[DISCORDANT NOTES PLAYING.]
[CROWD LAUGHS.]
I suppose the old piano just couldn't take it.
[GIGGLES.]
[.]
TONY: Roge, uh, could you hurry it up? Dr.
Bellows frowns on two hour lunches, you know.
Tony, will you please? I'm trying to make this shot.
Psst.
Psst.
Master.
What are you doing here? Get out.
Master, which would you prefer: Chicken, fish, or saddle of yak for dinner? I cannot make up my mind.
You came here in the middle of all these people to ask me that? Hey, I got 'em now.
Seven to five.
Oh, hi, Jeannie.
Hello, Major Healey.
Roger Master, I would not have bothered you here at work, except that if you wish the yak, I must go to Tibet for the saddle.
Major Healey, it's nearly 2:00.
Oh, well Well, it's not me, sir.
I'm waiting for Tony.
I was just killing time.
Major Nelson, why are you hunched over like that? Some sort of, uh, stomach distress? No, no, everything's fine, sir.
Nothing like that.
I was just tinkling on the old ivories.
Oh, really? Yeah.
I didn't know you played the piano.
Yeah, I can't.
I can't.
Uh I, uh, took lessons when I was a kid though.
Uh, play something for me.
TONY: No, really.
I-I can't, sir.
I wish I could.
It'd be great, but It would be nice.
After After four years of lessons, all I ended up with was "Chopsticks.
" Ha, ha.
[PLAYING MOZART'S "RONDA ALLA TURCA".]
[.]
[.]
[FINISHES PLAYING.]
Bravo! Bravol I didn't know you could play the piano.
Why, Major Nelson, that was absolutely extraordinary.
And you said you couldn't play.
I can't.
I-I couldn't.
Well, I-I-I didn't know I remembered.
Ha, ha.
ROGER: Didn't remember? You didn't even have any music.
Sir, if you'll excuse me.
Of course, major, of course.
We'll postpone our little meeting.
I can't wait to tell General Schaeffer about this.
I-I wish you wouldn't do that, sir.
Major, you can't hide a talent like yours.
Why, I'm no critic, but, uh, I haven't heard music played like this outside of a concert hall.
[CHUCKLING.]
Oh, well, thank you.
BELLOWS: Oh, ah, captain, about that meeting: We'll postpone Tony, that's not talent, that's genius.
You're not too far wrong.
Look.
Look.
Oh.
Wh-whoa.
Sorry.
Major Healey.
Major Healey, be careful.
Major Nelson's fingers are precious.
Uh, yes, sir, watch out for all doors.
Careful with your hands.
You got to watch where you're putting your hands I don't see how you could do a cockeyed like Thing like that to me.
You do not like music? Yes, of course.
I I love music.
I also like football, but I don't want you to turn me into O.
J.
Simpson.
I'm sorry.
I just got through telling Dr.
Bellows that I can hardly play "Chopsticks" and you turn me into a A Van Cliburn, and Rudolph Serkin and Charley Steinway, for all I know.
Oh, no, master.
I would never do that to you.
Yeah.
I was there, remember? And so was everybody else.
Oh, but you were not playing.
Well, who was, the? The Easter Bunny? The piano.
Yeah I It's like my fingers had a mind of their own.
The piano? Yes, master.
Do you realize what a great burden of responsibility it would be to have that talent in your fingers? The hours and hours of drudgery in practice in those sweet, little darling fingers.
I would never do that to you, so I blinked the burden on the piano.
Everybody who sits on the piano could do what I did? Oh, yes, master.
It has an enormous repertoire.
[LAUGHING.]
I Yeah, well, blink it back.
Oh, yes, master.
Ha-ha.
Back where? Not Not "where.
" You blink it back the way it was.
SCHAEFFER: Slow down, doctor, there's nothing in Major Nelson's General Schaeffer.
Get out.
Go on, out, out.
[YELLS.]
You don't have to believe me, general.
Ask Major Healey.
Ask any of the others who were here.
In fact, it was at that very piano.
Now, I admit it seems strange, but he was telling me that the only thing he could play was "Chopsticks.
" Then he sat down here, and he [TONY PLAYING PIANO.]
I'm, uh [CHUCKLES.]
Sorry, sir.
When I get the urge to play, I just can't contain myself.
You see, general? You see? You're right, doctor.
He's He's magnificent.
Major Nelson, as of this moment, I am taking you off flying status.
Huh?! You are going to make a concert tour.
[SCOFFS.]
Sir, I'm an astronaut.
I don't know anything about concerts.
[LAUGHING.]
Perfect.
Perfect.
He's not only brilliant, he's modest.
Come along, doctor, we have to get in touch with Sol Hurok.
Wait, doctor.
Uh, practice, major, practice.
Sir, w-wait! [STAMMERS, CRIES OUT.]
[.]
Jeannie.
Hello, master, darling.
Oh.
You are late.
Yeah.
Of course I'm late.
I had to babysit with that lunatic piano until everybody left.
Eh, what's all that for? It is my new gown for your debut.
Do you like it? Yeah, yeah, it's great, but I'm not gonna have a debut.
Now, how did you know about that, anyhow, huh? Oh, Master, Major Healey said that Hi, Tony.
What are you all dressed up for, Roger? How about that? Does that grab you? This is what all the leading impresarios wear.
Came with the glasses and everything.
Will somebody please tell me what's going on? Well Oh, watch the hand.
Oh, watch Watch it.
Well, they couldn't get Sol Hurok, so they had to settle for me.
Well, we've got you booked in Pensacola, Annapolis, West Point Is it not exciting? The Air Force Academy and Anderson, Indiana.
Uh, wh-what's in Anderson, Indiana? I got a girl in that town.
Well, she'll just have to wait.
Now cancel everything.
Oh, but master But master, but master, I've been on the phone all day.
I mean, I got everything looked in.
Well, unlock it.
I'm not going on any concert tour.
Oh, do not worry, master.
You will be a huge success.
I shall fix every piano you play.
Jeannie, the only thing I want you to do is blink the one in the recreation room back to normal.
Oh.
Oh, well, I-I could not do that.
Jeannie, that's an order.
Oh, I did not mean I would not.
It is easy enough to put the music in, but once it is in Heh.
Well, it has to play itself out.
Oh, swell.
Listen, Jeannie, what I want you to do I-I believe that I-I shall go and And blink dinner.
Ah, great.
It's all settled.
Ah, she can be my assistant and she can blink all the pianos you play.
And leave a trail of magic pianos all around the country? Use it.
Use the head.
Think! Oh.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
We'll We'll have to use the piano in the recreation room.
Roger, I'm not using I told you, I'm not go I'm not playing.
Hey, now, wait a minute.
That might be Oh, that's gonna be good publicity.
That's great.
You'll be the only virtuoso who plays concerts on a little red spinet.
Great, great, great.
Roger.
Roger? Don't forget: Be ready.
Pensacola tomorrow morning.
Careful with the hands.
[.]
There's more than one way to tune a piano.
[.]
Careful, careful, careful with the keyboard.
Careful, careful.
Oh, Tony, do you have a couple dollars? I want to tip the guys.
[.]
Never mind, I'll get the change from the cashier.
[.]
BELLOWS: That's terrible, major.
How did it happen? Just carelessness on my part, sir.
The I didn't know the stove was lit, and Well, it's pretty painful.
I can't move the hand.
Well, we'll have to cancel the tour, of course.
It's obvious you can't play the piano like that.
I'm kind of disappointed.
I was looking forward to making the tour Oh, excuse me, Dr.
Bellows.
Uh, the plane's ready.
I'm afraid it's all off, major.
Sorry, Roge.
Major Nelson just burnt his hand.
Burned his hard? You burned Oh, I'm sorry.
Come on over in the light here.
Look, I took first aid in high school.
Let me take a good look at it.
Wait.
Wait a minute, Roger.
There's nothing wrong with your hand.
It's a burned hand.
Oh.
Yeah.
Oh, it's burned.
Oh, sure.
Yeah, it's burned.
Terrible burn.
A bad one.
Burny burn BELLOWS: Just a moment, major.
Let the doctor take a look at it.
Yeah.
There's nothing wrong with that hand.
Ah, w-well, actually, one of the reasons Oh, I understand, major.
You're just too modest.
You can't stand the thought of being famous.
[CHUCKLES.]
A few concerts under his belt, he'll be fine.
Well, uh, let's go, maestro.
Uh, yeah Wait, Roger.
Roger, thanks.
I'm gonna remember you for this.
Thanks a lot.
[.]
[TONY CRIES OUT.]
[CROWD CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY.]
[PLAYING CLASSICAL MUSIC.]
[.]
Now, look, fellows, this all may go over subtly Get ready.
He's coming.
[ALL CHATTER INDISTINCTLY.]
I couldn't possibly [ALL OFFERING CONGRATULATIONS.]
BELLOWS: Wait a minute.
Wait, wait.
[ALL CHATTERING.]
What's this all about, sir? Well, major, it's just a little gathering of your friends and colleagues to show you how much we appreciate what you've done.
Well, thank you all very much, but I've done nothing, sir.
A New York debut at Symphony Hall tomorrow night and you say it's nothing? Well, it's certainly been interesting, I could say that, but I want you all to know that tomorrow night's concert is gonna be my last.
We all thought it was a marvelous piece of showmanship that you played all your concerts on NASA's own, uh, battered red spinet.
But, uh, you're beyond that now, so, uh, we took the liberty of getting rid of it and replacing it with the Major Anthony Nelson Memorial Piano.
Uh, please.
[DRUM ROLL.]
"Memorial" piano? Isn't that? Isn't that for dead people? Stick around, Roge.
[INDISTINCT CHATTERING.]
Major, play.
Huh? Ha-ha, that's an order.
[LAUGHTER.]
[SIGHS.]
Well [CHUCKLING.]
[KNUCKLES CRACK.]
[PLAYING "CHOPSTICKS".]
[PLAYING TUNELESSLY.]
[CHUCKLING.]
[LAUGHTER.]
[ALL APPLAUD.]
Roger, how could you let that happen? Well, the piano was routed for Symphony Hall.
Don't you understand? Tonight at 8:30 I'm gonna be in Symphony Hall in front of a full orchestra and packed house and what am I going to do without my little red spinet? Play "Chopsticks.
" Ha, ha, ha.
Funny, funny.
They're not gonna think it's funny.
I didn't think it was funny either.
[GROANS.]
What?! What is this? JEANNIE [MUFFLED.]
: Master, master, open up.
Agh.
Jeannie.
[SIGHS.]
Why can't she do anything simply? Ah-ha.
What do you think you're doing, huh? What's the big idea? Well, the drawer closed accidentally and I could not get out, so I had to blink the whole filing cabinet here.
I found it.
Let me see.
Uh, the Cocoa Beach Piano Sales.
Sixty dollar trade-in allowance.
That's it.
The red spinet.
Let's go.
Oh, master, what about me? The file cabinet.
Huh? Blink it back.
Blink it back.
Yes.
[.]
TONY: Twenty, 40, 60, 80, You want me to sell you this rare and beautiful antique that my mother worked and slaved to buy me for only a hundred bucks? Boy, talk about taking advantage of a little kid who's a member of a minority group.
Please, little boy.
It is very, very important.
How about a hundred dollars and an eight-by-10 picture of me in a space capsule? JEANNIE: Oh, lovely.
Okay um, a hundred and 10 dollars, huh? Is that all a mother's dream means to you? Can you believe that? Okay, 120, huh? Come on, look at the paint job.
Look at the chassis.
All 88 keys in perfect condition.
Whoa, no.
Ah, no, no, no.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
[GROANS.]
My fault.
My fault.
I'm sorry about your hand.
Don't be mad.
Little boy, be honest.
You do not really wish to play the piano, do you? No, but that isn't going to affect the price.
Now, if it was a trumpet, your anxious friends wouldn't have a chance.
Oh.
A trumpet? Yeah.
That's what I really want to play, but my mother says it pushes your teeth in.
That's all you got? Yeah.
And that leaves me flat.
Listen, about pushing his teeth in, maybe we could give him a Oh, yeah, you're right.
Okay, 150 bucks.
That's ab-absolutely rock bottom.
And a beautiful golden trumpet.
Oh-ho.
Wow.
Wow, mm-hm.
[PLAYING TRUMPET SKILLFULLY.]
Great technique, but no heart.
Okay.
All set.
Uh, is the piano okay? Oh, yes, master.
It is right here in my purse.
Huh? ROGER: Oh, cute.
It's a baby spinet.
[CHUCKLING.]
Oh, Jeannie, you better get this bill of sale back to Dr.
Bellow's files.
Oh, yes, master.
Immediately.
Oh, and now meet me in New York at Symphony Hall, my dressing room, in exactly, uh, three hours.
Let's synchronize watches.
BELLOWS: Major Nelson, Major Healey.
The plane's waiting! You get out.
Well, maestro, all ready? Yeah, he can't wait to get to the big city.
Are you going too, sir? Well, of course.
I wouldn't miss Major Nelson's New York debut for the world.
Come on, hurry up.
Yeah.
Well, uh Oh.
Here, you carry this.
It's good for the fingers.
Yes, General Schaeffer, I'm coming.
[.]
[GASPS.]
Help! Master, let me out, master.
[.]
[CROWD CHATTERING.]
TONY: Oh, look at the time.
Where is she, Roger? It's almost 8:30.
Well, you know how women are.
They're always late.
Yeah.
Well, she's got the piano.
She has the piano.
Well, she probably put it somewhere on stage and is waiting in the audience.
What is that thing you're working on, anyway? A bomb.
A bomb? A bomb?! Well, it's not exactly a bomb.
It's kind of a self-destruct mechanism.
I'm gonna put it in the piano.
You're gonna What are you talking about, Roger? Well, you said this, uh You wanted this to be your last concert? Yeah.
Well, I'll tell you what.
When you finish your last number, you take this little switch here.
See? And you switch it on and it starts ticking.
See? And in exactly 45 seconds: [BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
No No more magic piano.
Roger, that's really beautiful.
I know.
Ha-ha.
Brilliant.
Will you get out on stage and see if that piano is there? You know, sometimes I think you don't appreciate me.
Roger, please.
Go on, will you.
Get out there.
All right, I'm going, I'm going.
I made the bomb and you want me to get out.
JEANNIE [MUFFLED.]
: Please, someone let me out.
My master needs me.
Oh, I had better do it myself.
Master? Whoo-hoo, master.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
This way.
This way.
Is the piano all right? Yes.
Yes.
Don't worry, major.
It's all ready.
Oh.
Thanks.
Thanks.
[APPLAUSE.]
[CROWD MURMURING.]
Back.
Back.
No, no.
No, no.
The piano isn't here yet.
I know that.
What am I gonna do? Stall, stall.
Stall?! What do you mean? [APPLAUSE.]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS, MURMURS.]
[CRIES OUT.]
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[PLAYS SOUR NOTES.]
[CROWD CHATTERS.]
Please, please.
Would you take the piano.
Thank you.
I'm sorry.
Not here.
My dressing room.
[SIGHS.]
[SIGHS, CHUCKLES.]
[APPLAUSE.]
Magic tricks? At Symphony Hall? [CLEARS THROAT.]
That's the piano from the recreation hall.
Where did he get that? I can't imagine.
I traded it in this morning.
[PLAYING CLASSICAL MUSIC.]
[APPLAUSE.]
Bravo! Bravo! Genius.
[EXPLOSIVE TICKING.]
[FANFARE PLAYS.]
[PLAYING CHOPIN'S "THE MINUTE WALTZ" EXTRA FAST.]
[APPLAUSE.]
Why, he played "The Minute Waltz" in 34 seconds flat.
[TICKING CONTINUES.]
Oh, no.
More.
More.
Encore, encore, encore.
More, more.
[DISCORDANT NOTES PLAYING.]
[CROWD LAUGHS.]
I suppose the old piano just couldn't take it.
[GIGGLES.]
[.]