I Dream of Jeannie (1965) s05e06 Episode Script
Jeannie and the Bachelor Party
[.]
[SIGHS.]
TONY: Come in.
Are you ready to go, master? Oh, doggone it, Jeannie.
I'm sorry.
I forgot We can't go shopping for your wedding gown today.
Uh, I've got this report to finish.
It's really important.
But, master, I'm so afraid someone will buy the one I have in mind.
Oh, come on.
Tony Oh, excuse me.
Would you sign these now for General Schaeffer? Oh, yeah, sure.
Sure.
I'm sorry.
Uh Oh, this is my fiancée Jeannie.
This is Dolores.
Dolores.
Hi.
[.]
Very pleased to meet you.
Likewise.
Here, uh, Tony.
Mm-hm.
DOLORES: And down here.
TONY: Oh.
We were surprised about you and Tony.
We'd heard so little about you.
Oh, and right here.
Uh-huh.
DOLORES: And here.
Mm-hm.
Thank you.
Uh, well, like I was saying, it was It was kind of sudden for everybody, Jeannie and me Ah, listen, you better go and take this to General Schaeffer right away.
Don't want to keep him waiting.
I want to say bye to Jeannie.
I'll say goodbye for you.
Bye.
[SIGHS.]
Jeannie.
Um, what was that all about? Well, I I did not wish to bother you while you were busy.
[LAUGHS.]
Come on.
Jeannie, look, um, a-about shopping for your wedding dress, we'll, uh We'll go shopping for it tonight.
Ah-ah! Tonight's out.
Hi, Jeannie.
Hi, Tony.
You're busy tonight.
Why? What? What am I so busy about? The guys are throwing a little bachelor party in your honor.
Uh, a bachelor party? Oh! A party.
I love parties.
What shall I wear? Uh, well, no women are allowed.
This is the groom's last chance to spend a night with his buddies.
It's strictly male, masculine.
Roger, no, no, no bachelor party.
Forget it, I remember the bachelor party you gave for Lieutenant Taylor.
Did Lieutenant Taylor get married? Not after the bachelor party, he didn't get married, no.
ROGER: Wait, you can't let your buddies down.
This is the married man's only chance to get out of the house.
Roge, just forget about it.
No bachelor party, okay? It's hoax.
You know, forget it, okay? If tradition means nothing to you, when I have my bachelor party, I'm not coming.
[LAUGHS.]
Master, if If a bachelor party is tradition, why do you not wish to have one? Uh, because I know what Roger's bachelor parties are like.
Jeannie, the important thing is that I want to go shopping with you for your wedding gown.
Oh, master.
You're so sweet.
Oh, I wish you could see it.
It is lovely.
It It is all lace, and it has a long train that goes I will blink it on for you.
No, no, no, no.
Uh, Jeannie, it's an American tradition that the bridegroom is never supposed to see the bride in her wedding gown before the wedding.
Oh.
Well, I-I would not wish to go against tradition.
Now, uh, you go home and, um, I'll meet you there tonight, huh? [MENDELSSOHN'S "WEDDING MARCH" PLAYING.]
Oh, Major Nelson, did you? Oh, hello, sir.
Major Nelson, why are you wearing a wedding dress? [.]
[.]
Excuse me, sir.
Major Nelson, come out here this instant! Yes, sir? I'll see you tonight, darling.
Bye.
Bye.
Hello, Dr.
Bellows.
You wanted to talk to me, sir? I certainly did.
I want to know why Oh, never mind, major.
Never mind.
Hello, Bubbles? Yeah, well, about the party tonight, there's been a change of plans.
Yeah.
We have a surprise party.
Yeah, y-you tell the girls to wait for my call, huh? I'll get in touch with them about the time and place.
Y-you're gonna wear what dress? The one with Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, tonight.
Great.
Ah.
No bachelor party.
Ridiculous.
But that's hard to believe, major.
He doesn't want a bachelor party? Of course he does.
He just said that because Jeannie was there.
But a bachelor party is an American tradition.
Gives a man something to look back on.
Believe me, I've been married for 20 years and the happiest moment I can remember is my bachelor party.
Oh, uh, Amanda doesn't have to know I said that.
No, no, no, sir.
Uh, sir, about the party, I thought we could plan But if Major Nelson doesn't want one But, sir, I mean, we can't let Tony down.
I'd never forgive myself if I let my friend get married without a bachelor party.
But how are we gonna do it? Ah, a surprise party.
Ingenious, major! There's nothing like a good surprise party.
Thank you, sir.
Here's what I had in mind Now, first, we're gonna play some poker.
Poker? Of course.
Five-card draw, seven-card stud, spit in the ocean.
Spit Well, I was thinking more of Bubbles.
Bubbles? Oh, definitely.
We must have a few bottles of the old bubbly and a good cigar.
I'm not allowed to smoke cigars around the house.
Cigars, cigars, yeah.
About the entertainment, see Entertainment? Naturally.
We'll have some football films.
Dr.
Bell Oh.
Hi, Roge.
We're supposed to be at a meeting.
What are you doing here? Well, Dr.
Bellows was just checking my tennis elbow.
Blood pressure.
Blood pressure.
Tennis elbow.
I'm glad you reminded me about the briefing.
It'd be terrible to be late for a briefing.
Uh, sir, about the tennis elbow and the blood pressure, I'll see you later about that.
Oh, thank you for reminding me.
I'd never forgive myself if I missed a briefing.
Yeah.
Oh, I'd just hate myself.
[.]
A meeting tonight, sir? Um, this There was nothing like that on the schedule.
He says there was nothing about it on the schedule.
Because it's secret.
Because it's secret.
I beg your pardon, sir.
I mean, it would hardly do to call a secret meeting and then let everybody know about it.
Uh, well, Dr Bellows, I promised Jeannie I'd take her shopping for a wedding gown.
Well, what for? You already have one.
And that reminds me, major All right, I'll be there.
What time? What time? Nine-thirty, you'll pick him up.
Nine-thirty, I'll pick you up.
No, no, no.
Pick him up.
Oh.
Uh, 9:30, I'll pick you up.
I'll be waiting, sir.
Oh, all right, major.
Wait.
Uh, uh, wait.
[WHISPERING.]
Amanda.
What? Tell him about Amanda.
Oh, yes.
Um, um Uh, major, why Uh, why doesn't Jeannie go to the movies with Amanda, so they'll be out of the way.
Oh, uh So they'll have something to do.
Uh, all right, sir.
Yeah.
I'll I'll suggest it.
Thanks.
Goodbye, major.
Very good, sir.
Very good.
Well, I'll go and start rounding up the, uh, entertainment.
I couldn't have done it without you, major.
I'm not very good at lying.
But you are.
Well Heh.
Beginner's luck.
Yeah.
[.]
I'm sorry, Jeannie.
Oh, well, it is all right, master.
I suppose when one marries an astronaut, one must expect the unexpected.
Yeah, well, it's not like marrying an ordinary, down-to-earth genie, is it? Oh, I am not unhappy, master.
It is your job and your duty.
I understand completely.
Oh, master, tell me.
What must I do? I want to be like all the other wives.
[CHUCKLING.]
Ah, no, no, no.
I don't want you to do anything.
Just stay exactly the way you are.
Oh, Major Healey, uh, what are you doing with all those uniforms? What am I doing with these uniforms? Uh, I'm having my summer weights cleaned.
Oh.
Oh, don't worry about a thing, major.
I've got the poker chips and the cigars for tonight.
Yeah, yes, sir.
Yes, sir.
Oh, Dolores.
Yes.
Be at the gate at 8:30.
Eight-thirty? Yeah.
Pass it on.
Okay, major.
[WHISTLES.]
[.]
That's Mr.
Colbert, General Mc Crory, Admiral Cooper and Mr.
Williams.
That all checks out, sir.
Thank you, airman.
Oh, major, sir.
One of the officers dropped his purse? Oh, that's not That's not a purse.
That's a BX-9-12-5-4-3-2-1- Morgan Finder.
Top secret.
Hush-hush.
Yes, sir.
Yeah.
[.]
You know, it's really very peculiar.
Alfred usually knows about these meetings way in advance.
Oh, well, let's see what's playing at the movies.
A-anything would be fine with me.
Oh, good.
Oh, I have an idea.
Why don't we call General Schaeffer's wife.
The general will be at the meeting too.
Maybe she'd like to go with us.
Fine.
Tell you what, you pick something out that you might like to see while I make the call.
Fine.
Fine.
[.]
[GUNSHOTS ON TV.]
[MEN WHOOPING ON TV.]
[RINGS.]
[TV CLICKS OFF.]
General Schaeffer here.
Uh, General Schaeffer? Well, this is Amanda Bellows.
Well, I'm very surprised to find you home.
I thought you'd be at the meeting.
What meeting? The secret meeting at the base.
Oh, good heavens, I thought that was tomorrow night.
No, my husband and Major Nelson, well, they left over a half an hour ago.
Oh, my word.
I told the admiral it was tomorrow.
Well, uh, thank you for calling.
General? General? Well, isn't that interesting? The general thought the meeting was tomorrow night.
Oh, well, was it not lucky that you phoned him? Yes, it may have been very lucky that I phoned him.
Uh, didn't you say that they were going to give Tony a bachelor party? Oh, yes, but my mas Uh Heh.
Anthony called it off.
I don't care what you say, lieutenant.
The meeting is tonight.
Now, you get on the phone, call the admiral, Undersecretary Spencer and the rest of them.
Tell them to meet me at the security gate.
What? Of course I didn't make the mistake.
You made the mistake.
And you tell him that.
I knew it.
I knew it.
Alfred's cigars are gone.
Those Those sneaky men are gonna have that bachelor party at the base tonight.
Oh, but the bachelor party was called off.
Anthony told me.
I know what Anthony told you, it's the same thing that Alfred told me.
Oh, listen, before you get married, there's something you better learn about men.
Oh, what is that? They're liars.
All of them, poor dears.
Can't help it.
It's in their natures.
Oh.
Well, my Anthony would never lie to me.
Oh, my dear, if you really believe that, you're not ready for marriage.
I am going to take you to NASA and open your eyes.
Oh, well, I-I do not think so, Mrs.
Bellows.
You go if you must, but, uh, I-I believe I will just go to the movies.
Hm, the whole trouble with marriage in America today, there's too much trust.
[.]
Uh, you can open your eyes now, airman.
The, uh, top-secret personnel are inside.
Yes, sir.
Oh.
Major Healey.
Hi, Roge, I see you got stuck with this meeting too.
Yeah.
Stuck with the meeting.
Ha-ha-ha.
[SNIFFS.]
Airman, are you wearing perfume? I beg your pardon, sir? Oh, never mind.
BELLOWS: After you, major.
Oh, uh, Major Nelson, would you kindly take this mannequin out of the way.
Must've been left over from another conference.
Oh, uh, major, I, uh I've got the poker chips and the cigars.
This is gonna be quite a surprise.
Yes, a surprise.
Heh.
Oh, uh, major, why are those officers wearing those coats? Uh, maybe you better turn off the air-conditioning.
Well, they'll warm up as soon as the party gets started.
[GRUNTS.]
Boy, they sure make these dummies lifelike.
Jeannie? Hello, master.
Put your hand there.
Oh What are you doing here? Tsk.
Oh, I'm sorry, master.
I'm so ashamed.
You see, Amanda Bellows said that you lied to me about the bachelor party and that you were going to have one.
Mmm.
Well, uh, come on, Jeannie, get out of here.
T-the meeting's about to be starting.
I know, master.
And that is why I'm so ashamed.
You see, Mrs.
Bellows is on her way over here to catch you and Dr.
Bellows, but I said that I trusted you.
And then I Heh.
I had to come see for myself.
Well, now you've seen.
Go home.
Go on.
Go on.
Oh, yes, master.
Instantly.
Can you ever forgive me? Yes, I forgive you.
I forgive you.
Kiss me to show me you forgive me.
Oh, for heaven's sakes.
Uh, Major Nelson.
Yes.
You're wondering why I was kissing the mannequin.
Uh, kissing the mannequin? Uh, no, no, no, I wasn't wondering that at all.
You weren't wondering why? Uh, no, I, um I'm just here to tell you that we're ready to begin.
For he's A jolly good fellow BELLOWS & ROGER: For he's a jolly good fellow WOMEN: For he's A jolly good fellow That nobody can deny Major Healey, what's the meaning of this?! Happy bachelor party, Tony.
I must apologize, Mr.
Secretary.
I could have sworn this meeting was scheduled for tomorrow night.
Heh-heh, that's the Navy for you, sir.
In the Air Force, we keep our calendars straight.
[CHUCKLES.]
[.]
Right this way.
Here's a hat for you, honey.
Oh, that's adorable! That's fine.
Uh, sir, I I really must speak to you.
Uh, don't blame this on me, major.
I thought we were having football films.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKER.]
Where are all the rest of the guys? Oh, well, uh, these are all the guys I could find.
[CHUCKLES.]
Here you are.
Do you drink? No.
Good.
Have two.
[SQUEAKS.]
Oh.
Come on and dance, honey.
The party's in your honor.
Well, I'd like to very much, but I gotta talk to Dr.
Bellows.
Move, baby! Move! But you don't understand.
We're supposed to play spit in the ocean, one-eyed Jacks.
Wild! Right, wild! I really have to talk to you.
Mrs.
Bellows knows about it.
She's coming here.
Oh.
Amanda? Yes.
Here? Yeah.
You're not dancing.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Look, major, if my wife finds me here, it'll cost you your rank.
My rank?! Why my rank? Now you're not dancing.
Well, it's your bachelor party! Oh, well, in that case, heh, you all enjoy yourselves.
Major, what'd you close that door for? Open it.
I I can't.
What do you mean, you can't? You mean? Uh, no, no, it couldn't be.
Not my wife.
No, sir.
General Schaeffer.
General Schaeffer? Coming here? Oh, major, what are we gonna do? I'll take care of it.
Oh Roger, General Schaeffer's coming.
Good.
I hope he brings his own girls.
Fruit punch? Wait, Roger, you don't understand.
Hold it.
General Schaeffer General Scha Mmm.
Delicious fruit punch.
General Schaeffer In the closet, please.
Where are we going? It's a closet game.
You'll love it.
You'll love it.
It's a new game.
Ha! Here, take this, would you? And this.
Thank you.
ROGER: Good idea, closet game.
I like closets.
Ladies, please, in the closet.
Your hat.
ROGER: Take your hat off.
What are we doing? Oh, there isn't enough room! I know SCHAEFFER: A-ten-hut! [MUSIC STOPS.]
[BANGING ON DOOR.]
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
Well, major, have you forgotten how to salute? Hm? Oh, sorry, sir.
I see you have forgotten.
Sorry, sir.
[ALL CHATTERING.]
A-ten-hut! Major, what are all these women doing here? Uh, the women, sir? Oh, yes, they're recruits, sir.
Recruits? ADMIRAL: Well, Mike, you're going to have some Air Force.
[ALL LAUGH.]
SCHAEFFER: Go on, major, tell us about what you're recruiting these girls for.
Uh, they're WAFs, sir.
They want to be WAFs.
Don't you, Miss? Uh Just call me Francine, sweetie.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Um, m-major, we were called here to a meeting, and it had nothing whatsoever to do with recruiting.
Now, we've told our wives we were going to a meeting.
Is there a meeting or isn't there? Uh, well, actually, sir, it's my, uh, bachelor party.
Bachelor party? Yeah.
ADMIRAL: Well, why didn't you say so in the first place? I haven't been to a good bachelor's party in years.
[ALL CHUCKLE.]
Come to think of it, heh-heh, neither have I.
Uh, well, what do you think, Mr.
Secretary? [ROCK MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKER.]
Well, if it's okay with him, it's okay with me.
Congratulations, son.
Tomorrow, wedding bells, but tonight we whoop it up! Ha-ha! [ALL LAUGHING.]
Wait a minute, sir! You don't understand.
Amanda Bellows is on her way over here.
Uh, sir Excuse me.
Uh, sir, I Not tonight, major.
Not tonight.
Tomorrow.
All right, uh [CHUCKLING.]
I'm terribly sorry.
Oh! Heh-heh.
Uh, uh, sir.
Could we draw a close to? Doctor? Mm? Would you? Would you? Uh, Roger.
Roger, come here.
I want you to stop this thing.
Amanda Bellows is on her way over here.
Don't worry.
We've got enough cake.
How about that, huh? I hate it! You hate it? It says "congratulations" on the top.
It should say "condolences.
" If Amanda Bellows ever sees that You should see what's inside.
Great filling.
WOMAN: Oh, come on, major! Come on! Wait a minute! Hey, take it easy! Dr.
Bellows, we gotta get out of here.
Your Your wife is gonna be here any minute.
Delicious fruit punch, major.
Simply delicious.
You must try some.
Uh, sir, your wife is coming here.
She can't see you like this.
Amanda? Marvelous woman, but frankly, major, I didn't think she'd fit in.
She's, uh, not hep.
Cheers.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, I've done all I can.
I knew it! I knew it! Let me in there.
[KNOCKING.]
Major Nelson, that's Amanda Bellows.
I've been trying to tell you.
She's the worst gossip on the base.
Now she'll tell everyone.
She'll tell my wife.
What do you want me to do, sir? I don't know, but I'll tell you one thing: If my wife hears about this, you're done for.
Me? Yes, you.
It's your bachelor party.
We've got to hide the girls.
Not only the girls, we We gotta hide us.
Hold that door, major.
Come on, everybody! I know what's going on in there.
Let me in! [ALL CLAMORING.]
Is the party over, Major Healey? We're just going into winter quarters.
Would you mind helping me? I'll take that.
AMANDA: Let me in there! ROGER: Easy, easy, easy, does it.
Into the closet.
Into the closet.
Let me in here! [STAMPING FEET.]
Roger, the music.
Oh, the music! [MUSIC STOPS.]
Oh, good evening, Mrs.
Bellows.
You're late.
The meeting just broke up.
If that was a meeting, major, I'm the Queen of the May.
Major.
Oh, hi, Mrs.
Bellows.
We were just cleaning up.
Don't you mean, clearing up? Would you mind stepping aside and letting me in the closet, please.
No, you wouldn't want to go in there.
Oh, yes, I would.
Yes, I would, major! Do you mind? TONY: Why didn't you go in the closet? Because it would've been a little crowded, master.
I don't have time to explain, Jeannie.
Oh, there's nothing to explain.
You lied to me.
No, I didn't lie to you.
You lied.
I Roger lied to me.
I didn't know.
Oh, really, master.
Yeah.
All those girls dressed in men's clothes and you did not know? Well, you were here.
You didn't know either? That is true.
Yeah.
Oh.
Oh, I am so sorry.
Oh, my darling master, can you ever forgive me? Come on, we don't have time for all that.
Oh, well, I-I can't, uh, open that door, Mrs.
Bellows.
There's, uh, radioactive material in there.
Some very, very hot stuff.
I'll bet.
Yeah.
Oh, it's all right, major.
I'll wait.
Sooner or later, you're going to have to open that door.
[SIGHS.]
[WHISTLING.]
Would you like some punch? Never mind, major.
[.]
Aha-ha-ha! Aha! Oh! I suppose you're, uh, wondering what I'm doing kissing this mannequin.
I'm not kissing it.
I'm trying to hide it.
It's a new WAF uniform.
No one's supposed to see it, you see? Major, not two minutes ago, I stood over there in that doorway and I saw a party.
A A wild party going on.
Uh Don't tell me I didn't see it, because I know what I saw.
I assure you nothing was going on.
Don't assure me, major, please.
I saw girls Live girls! In this room, and they are now in that closet over there that Major Healey will not let me Aha! Aha-ha! [.]
Ha! Ha! [SCREAMS.]
General Mrs.
Bellows, what are you doing here? Uh Don't you know that these new firefighting suites are top-secret? I B-but Bu Oh! [DOOR CLOSES.]
Oh! Oh.
Major, please.
I don't feel very well.
I'd like to go home.
[CRYING.]
I want to go home, major.
I wish you'd see me home, you know, because I want to go and tell Alfred for those terrible things I was thinking.
You just lean on my shoulder.
Oh Aha! Aha! It's a cake.
Just a cake.
That's all.
I know what it is.
You get out of my way, major! Get out of my way! Ooh! Alfred! Happy bachelor party! [YELPS.]
Happy bachelor party, master.
[LAUGHS.]
[.]
[SIGHS.]
TONY: Come in.
Are you ready to go, master? Oh, doggone it, Jeannie.
I'm sorry.
I forgot We can't go shopping for your wedding gown today.
Uh, I've got this report to finish.
It's really important.
But, master, I'm so afraid someone will buy the one I have in mind.
Oh, come on.
Tony Oh, excuse me.
Would you sign these now for General Schaeffer? Oh, yeah, sure.
Sure.
I'm sorry.
Uh Oh, this is my fiancée Jeannie.
This is Dolores.
Dolores.
Hi.
[.]
Very pleased to meet you.
Likewise.
Here, uh, Tony.
Mm-hm.
DOLORES: And down here.
TONY: Oh.
We were surprised about you and Tony.
We'd heard so little about you.
Oh, and right here.
Uh-huh.
DOLORES: And here.
Mm-hm.
Thank you.
Uh, well, like I was saying, it was It was kind of sudden for everybody, Jeannie and me Ah, listen, you better go and take this to General Schaeffer right away.
Don't want to keep him waiting.
I want to say bye to Jeannie.
I'll say goodbye for you.
Bye.
[SIGHS.]
Jeannie.
Um, what was that all about? Well, I I did not wish to bother you while you were busy.
[LAUGHS.]
Come on.
Jeannie, look, um, a-about shopping for your wedding dress, we'll, uh We'll go shopping for it tonight.
Ah-ah! Tonight's out.
Hi, Jeannie.
Hi, Tony.
You're busy tonight.
Why? What? What am I so busy about? The guys are throwing a little bachelor party in your honor.
Uh, a bachelor party? Oh! A party.
I love parties.
What shall I wear? Uh, well, no women are allowed.
This is the groom's last chance to spend a night with his buddies.
It's strictly male, masculine.
Roger, no, no, no bachelor party.
Forget it, I remember the bachelor party you gave for Lieutenant Taylor.
Did Lieutenant Taylor get married? Not after the bachelor party, he didn't get married, no.
ROGER: Wait, you can't let your buddies down.
This is the married man's only chance to get out of the house.
Roge, just forget about it.
No bachelor party, okay? It's hoax.
You know, forget it, okay? If tradition means nothing to you, when I have my bachelor party, I'm not coming.
[LAUGHS.]
Master, if If a bachelor party is tradition, why do you not wish to have one? Uh, because I know what Roger's bachelor parties are like.
Jeannie, the important thing is that I want to go shopping with you for your wedding gown.
Oh, master.
You're so sweet.
Oh, I wish you could see it.
It is lovely.
It It is all lace, and it has a long train that goes I will blink it on for you.
No, no, no, no.
Uh, Jeannie, it's an American tradition that the bridegroom is never supposed to see the bride in her wedding gown before the wedding.
Oh.
Well, I-I would not wish to go against tradition.
Now, uh, you go home and, um, I'll meet you there tonight, huh? [MENDELSSOHN'S "WEDDING MARCH" PLAYING.]
Oh, Major Nelson, did you? Oh, hello, sir.
Major Nelson, why are you wearing a wedding dress? [.]
[.]
Excuse me, sir.
Major Nelson, come out here this instant! Yes, sir? I'll see you tonight, darling.
Bye.
Bye.
Hello, Dr.
Bellows.
You wanted to talk to me, sir? I certainly did.
I want to know why Oh, never mind, major.
Never mind.
Hello, Bubbles? Yeah, well, about the party tonight, there's been a change of plans.
Yeah.
We have a surprise party.
Yeah, y-you tell the girls to wait for my call, huh? I'll get in touch with them about the time and place.
Y-you're gonna wear what dress? The one with Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, tonight.
Great.
Ah.
No bachelor party.
Ridiculous.
But that's hard to believe, major.
He doesn't want a bachelor party? Of course he does.
He just said that because Jeannie was there.
But a bachelor party is an American tradition.
Gives a man something to look back on.
Believe me, I've been married for 20 years and the happiest moment I can remember is my bachelor party.
Oh, uh, Amanda doesn't have to know I said that.
No, no, no, sir.
Uh, sir, about the party, I thought we could plan But if Major Nelson doesn't want one But, sir, I mean, we can't let Tony down.
I'd never forgive myself if I let my friend get married without a bachelor party.
But how are we gonna do it? Ah, a surprise party.
Ingenious, major! There's nothing like a good surprise party.
Thank you, sir.
Here's what I had in mind Now, first, we're gonna play some poker.
Poker? Of course.
Five-card draw, seven-card stud, spit in the ocean.
Spit Well, I was thinking more of Bubbles.
Bubbles? Oh, definitely.
We must have a few bottles of the old bubbly and a good cigar.
I'm not allowed to smoke cigars around the house.
Cigars, cigars, yeah.
About the entertainment, see Entertainment? Naturally.
We'll have some football films.
Dr.
Bell Oh.
Hi, Roge.
We're supposed to be at a meeting.
What are you doing here? Well, Dr.
Bellows was just checking my tennis elbow.
Blood pressure.
Blood pressure.
Tennis elbow.
I'm glad you reminded me about the briefing.
It'd be terrible to be late for a briefing.
Uh, sir, about the tennis elbow and the blood pressure, I'll see you later about that.
Oh, thank you for reminding me.
I'd never forgive myself if I missed a briefing.
Yeah.
Oh, I'd just hate myself.
[.]
A meeting tonight, sir? Um, this There was nothing like that on the schedule.
He says there was nothing about it on the schedule.
Because it's secret.
Because it's secret.
I beg your pardon, sir.
I mean, it would hardly do to call a secret meeting and then let everybody know about it.
Uh, well, Dr Bellows, I promised Jeannie I'd take her shopping for a wedding gown.
Well, what for? You already have one.
And that reminds me, major All right, I'll be there.
What time? What time? Nine-thirty, you'll pick him up.
Nine-thirty, I'll pick you up.
No, no, no.
Pick him up.
Oh.
Uh, 9:30, I'll pick you up.
I'll be waiting, sir.
Oh, all right, major.
Wait.
Uh, uh, wait.
[WHISPERING.]
Amanda.
What? Tell him about Amanda.
Oh, yes.
Um, um Uh, major, why Uh, why doesn't Jeannie go to the movies with Amanda, so they'll be out of the way.
Oh, uh So they'll have something to do.
Uh, all right, sir.
Yeah.
I'll I'll suggest it.
Thanks.
Goodbye, major.
Very good, sir.
Very good.
Well, I'll go and start rounding up the, uh, entertainment.
I couldn't have done it without you, major.
I'm not very good at lying.
But you are.
Well Heh.
Beginner's luck.
Yeah.
[.]
I'm sorry, Jeannie.
Oh, well, it is all right, master.
I suppose when one marries an astronaut, one must expect the unexpected.
Yeah, well, it's not like marrying an ordinary, down-to-earth genie, is it? Oh, I am not unhappy, master.
It is your job and your duty.
I understand completely.
Oh, master, tell me.
What must I do? I want to be like all the other wives.
[CHUCKLING.]
Ah, no, no, no.
I don't want you to do anything.
Just stay exactly the way you are.
Oh, Major Healey, uh, what are you doing with all those uniforms? What am I doing with these uniforms? Uh, I'm having my summer weights cleaned.
Oh.
Oh, don't worry about a thing, major.
I've got the poker chips and the cigars for tonight.
Yeah, yes, sir.
Yes, sir.
Oh, Dolores.
Yes.
Be at the gate at 8:30.
Eight-thirty? Yeah.
Pass it on.
Okay, major.
[WHISTLES.]
[.]
That's Mr.
Colbert, General Mc Crory, Admiral Cooper and Mr.
Williams.
That all checks out, sir.
Thank you, airman.
Oh, major, sir.
One of the officers dropped his purse? Oh, that's not That's not a purse.
That's a BX-9-12-5-4-3-2-1- Morgan Finder.
Top secret.
Hush-hush.
Yes, sir.
Yeah.
[.]
You know, it's really very peculiar.
Alfred usually knows about these meetings way in advance.
Oh, well, let's see what's playing at the movies.
A-anything would be fine with me.
Oh, good.
Oh, I have an idea.
Why don't we call General Schaeffer's wife.
The general will be at the meeting too.
Maybe she'd like to go with us.
Fine.
Tell you what, you pick something out that you might like to see while I make the call.
Fine.
Fine.
[.]
[GUNSHOTS ON TV.]
[MEN WHOOPING ON TV.]
[RINGS.]
[TV CLICKS OFF.]
General Schaeffer here.
Uh, General Schaeffer? Well, this is Amanda Bellows.
Well, I'm very surprised to find you home.
I thought you'd be at the meeting.
What meeting? The secret meeting at the base.
Oh, good heavens, I thought that was tomorrow night.
No, my husband and Major Nelson, well, they left over a half an hour ago.
Oh, my word.
I told the admiral it was tomorrow.
Well, uh, thank you for calling.
General? General? Well, isn't that interesting? The general thought the meeting was tomorrow night.
Oh, well, was it not lucky that you phoned him? Yes, it may have been very lucky that I phoned him.
Uh, didn't you say that they were going to give Tony a bachelor party? Oh, yes, but my mas Uh Heh.
Anthony called it off.
I don't care what you say, lieutenant.
The meeting is tonight.
Now, you get on the phone, call the admiral, Undersecretary Spencer and the rest of them.
Tell them to meet me at the security gate.
What? Of course I didn't make the mistake.
You made the mistake.
And you tell him that.
I knew it.
I knew it.
Alfred's cigars are gone.
Those Those sneaky men are gonna have that bachelor party at the base tonight.
Oh, but the bachelor party was called off.
Anthony told me.
I know what Anthony told you, it's the same thing that Alfred told me.
Oh, listen, before you get married, there's something you better learn about men.
Oh, what is that? They're liars.
All of them, poor dears.
Can't help it.
It's in their natures.
Oh.
Well, my Anthony would never lie to me.
Oh, my dear, if you really believe that, you're not ready for marriage.
I am going to take you to NASA and open your eyes.
Oh, well, I-I do not think so, Mrs.
Bellows.
You go if you must, but, uh, I-I believe I will just go to the movies.
Hm, the whole trouble with marriage in America today, there's too much trust.
[.]
Uh, you can open your eyes now, airman.
The, uh, top-secret personnel are inside.
Yes, sir.
Oh.
Major Healey.
Hi, Roge, I see you got stuck with this meeting too.
Yeah.
Stuck with the meeting.
Ha-ha-ha.
[SNIFFS.]
Airman, are you wearing perfume? I beg your pardon, sir? Oh, never mind.
BELLOWS: After you, major.
Oh, uh, Major Nelson, would you kindly take this mannequin out of the way.
Must've been left over from another conference.
Oh, uh, major, I, uh I've got the poker chips and the cigars.
This is gonna be quite a surprise.
Yes, a surprise.
Heh.
Oh, uh, major, why are those officers wearing those coats? Uh, maybe you better turn off the air-conditioning.
Well, they'll warm up as soon as the party gets started.
[GRUNTS.]
Boy, they sure make these dummies lifelike.
Jeannie? Hello, master.
Put your hand there.
Oh What are you doing here? Tsk.
Oh, I'm sorry, master.
I'm so ashamed.
You see, Amanda Bellows said that you lied to me about the bachelor party and that you were going to have one.
Mmm.
Well, uh, come on, Jeannie, get out of here.
T-the meeting's about to be starting.
I know, master.
And that is why I'm so ashamed.
You see, Mrs.
Bellows is on her way over here to catch you and Dr.
Bellows, but I said that I trusted you.
And then I Heh.
I had to come see for myself.
Well, now you've seen.
Go home.
Go on.
Go on.
Oh, yes, master.
Instantly.
Can you ever forgive me? Yes, I forgive you.
I forgive you.
Kiss me to show me you forgive me.
Oh, for heaven's sakes.
Uh, Major Nelson.
Yes.
You're wondering why I was kissing the mannequin.
Uh, kissing the mannequin? Uh, no, no, no, I wasn't wondering that at all.
You weren't wondering why? Uh, no, I, um I'm just here to tell you that we're ready to begin.
For he's A jolly good fellow BELLOWS & ROGER: For he's a jolly good fellow WOMEN: For he's A jolly good fellow That nobody can deny Major Healey, what's the meaning of this?! Happy bachelor party, Tony.
I must apologize, Mr.
Secretary.
I could have sworn this meeting was scheduled for tomorrow night.
Heh-heh, that's the Navy for you, sir.
In the Air Force, we keep our calendars straight.
[CHUCKLES.]
[.]
Right this way.
Here's a hat for you, honey.
Oh, that's adorable! That's fine.
Uh, sir, I I really must speak to you.
Uh, don't blame this on me, major.
I thought we were having football films.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKER.]
Where are all the rest of the guys? Oh, well, uh, these are all the guys I could find.
[CHUCKLES.]
Here you are.
Do you drink? No.
Good.
Have two.
[SQUEAKS.]
Oh.
Come on and dance, honey.
The party's in your honor.
Well, I'd like to very much, but I gotta talk to Dr.
Bellows.
Move, baby! Move! But you don't understand.
We're supposed to play spit in the ocean, one-eyed Jacks.
Wild! Right, wild! I really have to talk to you.
Mrs.
Bellows knows about it.
She's coming here.
Oh.
Amanda? Yes.
Here? Yeah.
You're not dancing.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Look, major, if my wife finds me here, it'll cost you your rank.
My rank?! Why my rank? Now you're not dancing.
Well, it's your bachelor party! Oh, well, in that case, heh, you all enjoy yourselves.
Major, what'd you close that door for? Open it.
I I can't.
What do you mean, you can't? You mean? Uh, no, no, it couldn't be.
Not my wife.
No, sir.
General Schaeffer.
General Schaeffer? Coming here? Oh, major, what are we gonna do? I'll take care of it.
Oh Roger, General Schaeffer's coming.
Good.
I hope he brings his own girls.
Fruit punch? Wait, Roger, you don't understand.
Hold it.
General Schaeffer General Scha Mmm.
Delicious fruit punch.
General Schaeffer In the closet, please.
Where are we going? It's a closet game.
You'll love it.
You'll love it.
It's a new game.
Ha! Here, take this, would you? And this.
Thank you.
ROGER: Good idea, closet game.
I like closets.
Ladies, please, in the closet.
Your hat.
ROGER: Take your hat off.
What are we doing? Oh, there isn't enough room! I know SCHAEFFER: A-ten-hut! [MUSIC STOPS.]
[BANGING ON DOOR.]
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
Well, major, have you forgotten how to salute? Hm? Oh, sorry, sir.
I see you have forgotten.
Sorry, sir.
[ALL CHATTERING.]
A-ten-hut! Major, what are all these women doing here? Uh, the women, sir? Oh, yes, they're recruits, sir.
Recruits? ADMIRAL: Well, Mike, you're going to have some Air Force.
[ALL LAUGH.]
SCHAEFFER: Go on, major, tell us about what you're recruiting these girls for.
Uh, they're WAFs, sir.
They want to be WAFs.
Don't you, Miss? Uh Just call me Francine, sweetie.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Um, m-major, we were called here to a meeting, and it had nothing whatsoever to do with recruiting.
Now, we've told our wives we were going to a meeting.
Is there a meeting or isn't there? Uh, well, actually, sir, it's my, uh, bachelor party.
Bachelor party? Yeah.
ADMIRAL: Well, why didn't you say so in the first place? I haven't been to a good bachelor's party in years.
[ALL CHUCKLE.]
Come to think of it, heh-heh, neither have I.
Uh, well, what do you think, Mr.
Secretary? [ROCK MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKER.]
Well, if it's okay with him, it's okay with me.
Congratulations, son.
Tomorrow, wedding bells, but tonight we whoop it up! Ha-ha! [ALL LAUGHING.]
Wait a minute, sir! You don't understand.
Amanda Bellows is on her way over here.
Uh, sir Excuse me.
Uh, sir, I Not tonight, major.
Not tonight.
Tomorrow.
All right, uh [CHUCKLING.]
I'm terribly sorry.
Oh! Heh-heh.
Uh, uh, sir.
Could we draw a close to? Doctor? Mm? Would you? Would you? Uh, Roger.
Roger, come here.
I want you to stop this thing.
Amanda Bellows is on her way over here.
Don't worry.
We've got enough cake.
How about that, huh? I hate it! You hate it? It says "congratulations" on the top.
It should say "condolences.
" If Amanda Bellows ever sees that You should see what's inside.
Great filling.
WOMAN: Oh, come on, major! Come on! Wait a minute! Hey, take it easy! Dr.
Bellows, we gotta get out of here.
Your Your wife is gonna be here any minute.
Delicious fruit punch, major.
Simply delicious.
You must try some.
Uh, sir, your wife is coming here.
She can't see you like this.
Amanda? Marvelous woman, but frankly, major, I didn't think she'd fit in.
She's, uh, not hep.
Cheers.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, I've done all I can.
I knew it! I knew it! Let me in there.
[KNOCKING.]
Major Nelson, that's Amanda Bellows.
I've been trying to tell you.
She's the worst gossip on the base.
Now she'll tell everyone.
She'll tell my wife.
What do you want me to do, sir? I don't know, but I'll tell you one thing: If my wife hears about this, you're done for.
Me? Yes, you.
It's your bachelor party.
We've got to hide the girls.
Not only the girls, we We gotta hide us.
Hold that door, major.
Come on, everybody! I know what's going on in there.
Let me in! [ALL CLAMORING.]
Is the party over, Major Healey? We're just going into winter quarters.
Would you mind helping me? I'll take that.
AMANDA: Let me in there! ROGER: Easy, easy, easy, does it.
Into the closet.
Into the closet.
Let me in here! [STAMPING FEET.]
Roger, the music.
Oh, the music! [MUSIC STOPS.]
Oh, good evening, Mrs.
Bellows.
You're late.
The meeting just broke up.
If that was a meeting, major, I'm the Queen of the May.
Major.
Oh, hi, Mrs.
Bellows.
We were just cleaning up.
Don't you mean, clearing up? Would you mind stepping aside and letting me in the closet, please.
No, you wouldn't want to go in there.
Oh, yes, I would.
Yes, I would, major! Do you mind? TONY: Why didn't you go in the closet? Because it would've been a little crowded, master.
I don't have time to explain, Jeannie.
Oh, there's nothing to explain.
You lied to me.
No, I didn't lie to you.
You lied.
I Roger lied to me.
I didn't know.
Oh, really, master.
Yeah.
All those girls dressed in men's clothes and you did not know? Well, you were here.
You didn't know either? That is true.
Yeah.
Oh.
Oh, I am so sorry.
Oh, my darling master, can you ever forgive me? Come on, we don't have time for all that.
Oh, well, I-I can't, uh, open that door, Mrs.
Bellows.
There's, uh, radioactive material in there.
Some very, very hot stuff.
I'll bet.
Yeah.
Oh, it's all right, major.
I'll wait.
Sooner or later, you're going to have to open that door.
[SIGHS.]
[WHISTLING.]
Would you like some punch? Never mind, major.
[.]
Aha-ha-ha! Aha! Oh! I suppose you're, uh, wondering what I'm doing kissing this mannequin.
I'm not kissing it.
I'm trying to hide it.
It's a new WAF uniform.
No one's supposed to see it, you see? Major, not two minutes ago, I stood over there in that doorway and I saw a party.
A A wild party going on.
Uh Don't tell me I didn't see it, because I know what I saw.
I assure you nothing was going on.
Don't assure me, major, please.
I saw girls Live girls! In this room, and they are now in that closet over there that Major Healey will not let me Aha! Aha-ha! [.]
Ha! Ha! [SCREAMS.]
General Mrs.
Bellows, what are you doing here? Uh Don't you know that these new firefighting suites are top-secret? I B-but Bu Oh! [DOOR CLOSES.]
Oh! Oh.
Major, please.
I don't feel very well.
I'd like to go home.
[CRYING.]
I want to go home, major.
I wish you'd see me home, you know, because I want to go and tell Alfred for those terrible things I was thinking.
You just lean on my shoulder.
Oh Aha! Aha! It's a cake.
Just a cake.
That's all.
I know what it is.
You get out of my way, major! Get out of my way! Ooh! Alfred! Happy bachelor party! [YELPS.]
Happy bachelor party, master.
[LAUGHS.]
[.]