I Dream of Jeannie (1965) s05e09 Episode Script
The Mad Home Wrecker
[.]
Hey.
Jeannie.
What? Jeannie! [MAGIC BOINGS.]
Jeannie! MAN: Well, lady, I think I got the extent of this whole Hey, where did this come from? Well, I just brought it down from the attic.
TONY: Jeannie, please.
Would ya? Him too? Master.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, no, no, no.
This is my ma My My My fiancé.
Darling, darling.
I'd like you to meet Mr.
Gelber.
He is a junk man.
How do you do? And please.
I'm a dealer in reclaimed marketables.
Oh, yes.
Of course.
Oh.
Of course.
Sorry.
Would you help me, please? Hey.
Uh Are you throwing all this stuff out? Oh, we have to if we are going to redecorate.
We must make room.
Uh, and my Civil War cannonball? You're gonna throw that out too? We're already receiving wedding gifts, and I have no place to put them.
Yeah.
But, I mean, the Some of this stuff is good.
I mean, look at the skis and And Sure.
You never know when you might need a A moose with, uh, one antler.
Yeah.
Well, maybe you're right.
Uh Uh, how much do you think all this is worth? Twenty-five bucks.
Twenty-five dollars? Don't be ridiculous.
There's a lot of good things here.
GELBER: Well, maybe you're right.
Uh, 50.
Well, 50.
That's a little more reasonable.
Anyhow Uh, you wanna pay me now or, uh, when I pick it up? Me pay you? Well, you're buying it.
Oh, no, no, no.
You misunderstand.
I'm carting it away.
Pay me when I come back with it.
Uh, wait a minute.
Hey! Wh-wh-whoa! [CLATTERS.]
Oh! Oh, master.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Master.
[.]
[.]
[.]
You gave away all my old things for this? Yes, master.
It is our first wedding present.
Yeah.
From Uncle Yackmir.
Oh, yeah? I can see why he gave it away.
Oh, be careful.
[SCREAMS.]
Oh.
Oh.
Wow! [LAUGHING.]
Wow.
Jeez.
I I am sorry.
A couch of nails.
Oh.
Yes, master.
It is very rare.
And all of my relatives will be sending us gifts.
So you see, we have to have someplace to put them.
Yeah, yeah.
I've been thinking about that, Jeannie.
And, uh, well, one of the things I want to do is I-is do something that probably no newlywed couple has ever done in their whole lives.
Yes, master.
Eh, eh If we get a present that we don't like, I wanna be honest.
I wanna say so.
Honest? Yeah.
I hate it.
Get rid of it, would you, please? Get rid of that thing.
Y-y-yes, master.
That really hurt.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
No, no, no, no.
Not now.
No.
I got him.
Here.
In here.
I got him.
I got him.
Oh Oh Roger, what is it? What is it? Are you ready for this guy? I caught him looting your garage in broad daylight.
TONY: Roger, he's a junk man.
A dealer in reclaimed marketables.
Wait a minute.
You're not gonna give that away.
Your Knute Rockne helmet.
And your moose with the With the How much are they worth? Fifty bucks.
Fifty bucks? Fifty bucks? I'll give you 50 bucks.
Uh, take it to his place for the same price? Fifty bucks.
Here.
GELBER: Sometimes I wish I'd never gone into public service.
WOMAN: Yoo-hoo! Major Healey.
Oh, its Dr.
Bellows and Mrs.
Bellows.
Would you help us in with this, major? Oh, look at this.
Holy Ooh.
What is in the box? Yeah.
It's your wedding present.
I know we're a little early.
But frankly, we couldn't wait to see how you two would like it.
Oh.
Wow.
Major Healey, I don't have all day.
Well, he doesn't have all day.
Hey, tell me what's in the present, huh? Huh? Oh, you lucky Yeah.
Ta-da! [.]
An original Helasco.
[SPUTTERING, GURGLING.]
Well how do you like it? [GURGLING.]
[SPUTTERING.]
AMANDA: Uh, be honest now.
Oh, well.
I-it is beautiful, Mrs.
Bellows.
I hate it.
She loves it! She loves it.
I love it? Yes.
She lov D-Dr.
Bellows, she loved it.
It It's a really ex But, you said And a most unusual It's lovely.
It really is.
We both love it.
Thank heaven.
I mean, you don't know how chancy it is to buy works of art for somebody else.
I mean, especially modern art.
[LAUGHS.]
But Alfred and I, well, we just fell so much in love with it, we knew you would too.
But you know, you really can't admire this properly standing up.
Uh, you really should be sitting down.
Mm.
[GURGLING, SPUTTERING.]
[SQUEALS.]
[LAUGHS.]
Uh Uh, you get an excruciating view from this angle.
[WINCES.]
[.]
[MAGIC BOINGS.]
[SPUTTERING, GURGLING.]
Jeannie! I have the perfect solution, master.
Since you love it and I hate it, why do we not keep it here in your office? Huh? Because this thing would drive me completely up the wall.
Now, I don't love it.
I hate it as much as you do.
Oh.
Oh, I understand.
We are only going to be honest with my relatives.
No, look.
I promise you that I promise you, I'll figure out a way to get rid of it.
But until I do, I want you to promise me that I-if you see Dr.
or Mrs.
Bellows, you'll tell 'em that you love the thing.
That you adore it.
You're crazy about it.
Okay? Yes, master.
I love it.
I adore it.
I am crazy about it.
Blah.
Oh, uh, come on.
Uh, Jeannie.
Say, you forgot your Your No, she didn't.
[.]
Tsk.
Hm.
My master is right.
It is horrible.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh, hello.
Hello, hello, Jeannie.
Oh, I I knew you'd be home.
I mean, what, with redoing the house and all.
Mm.
Have I got a surprise for you.
Ooh.
I want you to meet Mr.
Helasco himself.
My dear lady.
Just Helasco.
Nothing before, nothing after.
Just Helasco.
How do you do, Mr.
Helasco? We love it.
We adore it.
We are crazy about it.
[.]
Captain Talbot experienced slight anoxia at reentry point.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Uh, this-that's where we ought Well.
Here we are, Dr.
Bellows.
Hey, hey.
You're not gonna bring that thing in here, are ya? Of course, he isn't.
It's mine.
Hm.
It's a Venezuelan yak.
Very rare.
Uh, Major Healey sold it to me for, uh, only 50 dollars.
Huh? Just put it in my office.
I'll figure out how to mount it later.
Uh, yes, sir.
You paid $50 for that? Oh, I see you liked the Helasco so much you decided to keep it in your office.
[GURGLING.]
Sounds like it has an upset stomach.
Thank you, sir.
Oh.
That's all right.
I'll get the door.
No.
You better get the door.
There.
Thank you.
Got it.
Okay.
Okay.
Well.
What, uh, special place have you put, uh, the Mona Lisa? The Mona Lisa? My own interpretation.
Uh You know, Jeannie.
The, uh, glug, glug, glug.
Oh.
Ha.
Oh, well.
Actually, we love it.
We adore it.
Mm, "We adore it," we're crazy about it.
" But where is it? Well, it is right over there.
Well [GURGLING, SPUTTERING.]
Oh, you could've found a place with a little more light, but ça be fait rien.
It'll all be changed anyhow.
All be changed? Mrs.
Bellows, I do not understand.
Oh, that's the surprise, darling.
You see Heaven.
Absolute heaven.
You like it? A genuine Persian Baroque couch of nails.
Where did you find it? Well.
Actually, Uncle Yackmir No, no, no.
Don't tell me.
Don't tell me.
I shall be extremely jealous.
Oh.
Isn't he marvelous? Well, y-yes.
But why is he Uh, unfortunately, everything else is sick-making.
That stays.
Everything else goes.
Mrs.
Bellows, what is he doing? Oh, you see, that's the surprise, Jeannie.
Yes.
Everybody chipped in at the base to have Mr.
Helasco himself redecorate your entire house.
It's NASA's wedding present for you and Tony.
[LAUGHING UNCOMFORTABLY.]
Uh [BOTH WOMEN CHUCKLE.]
[CRASH.]
[LAUGHS UNCOMFORTABLY.]
Mwah.
[HUMMING.]
[CAR DOOR CLOSES.]
Hey, Roger.
Roger! What are you doing? What is this? "No admittance except to authorized personnel.
" And look what you're doing to my door.
You're putting a nail Don't worry about your door.
Helasco's gonna replace it.
He thinks it's "ick.
" [CRASH.]
Hey, what's going on in there anyhow? Oh.
Oh, I'd like to, uh, see your pass.
[CIRCULAR SAW WHIRS.]
Roge, this is my house.
Well, Helasco's gonna be working on it for three days.
You can stay in the office.
Uh, this house is going to be a complete surprise.
HELASCO: I said I want this wall fuchsia, you cretin.
Fuchsia.
Fuchsia walls! Oh, you You better stand out of the way, man.
I don't wanna have to fight you.
Yeah.
Good.
Uh Men.
You'll need to fight with them.
No one is allowed into this house without a pass, especially him.
General Schaeffer's orders.
Right, sir.
Yeah W-wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
You hear me? Ah, ah.
We're all packed.
What about Jeannie? I said we're all packed.
Oh? [QUIETLY.]
Shh.
Don't wake her up.
Come on.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Come on.
Come on.
I tell you, we're all packed.
[CIRCULAR SAW WHIRS.]
[.]
[MOANING.]
No more fuchsia walls, please.
[GROANING.]
[YAWNING.]
[TONY GROANING.]
Oh, no.
No.
Oh, no.
No.
Helasco.
Fuchsia.
Fuchsia walls.
Oh.
My poor master, he looks so uncomfortable.
[.]
Helasco.
Oh.
Oh.
Fuchsia.
Oh.
[SNIFFLES.]
[GROANING, MUMBLING.]
[SNORING.]
Oh.
There.
At least he will be more comfortable now.
[YAWNS.]
[.]
Major Nelson.
Where did all this come from? Uh, this bed, those pillows, the These curtains.
Hello, Doctor Bellows.
[SCREAMS.]
Major Nelson, please! Look at me! Look at my uniform! Uh What's the matter with you? Huh, I? What in heaven's name is that? [STAMMERS.]
Mosquito netting, sir.
Malaria prevention.
Mosquito netting? Yeah.
Malaria prevention? Absolutely.
Oh, I wish you'd be more care Look at this! I'll [SCREAMS.]
What was that? A mosquito bite.
Very painful, sir.
The whole room is full of 'em.
Hold still.
Hold still, sir.
One right there.
Ow! What's the mat? The whole room is full of 'em It must be full.
I can hear them.
Give me some of this.
Uh, no.
Give me s Give me! Oh.
Oh.
[.]
Ooh.
Oh, uh, General Schaeffer.
That'll be all.
Thank you.
General Schaeffer Dr.
Bellows, I wanted to see you.
You know I don't feel right about making Major Nelson sleep in his office while we redecorate his house.
Well, there's nothing to worry about, sir.
He is doing just fine.
He's got the place done up like Ali Baba's harem.
His house? No, no, no.
His office.
The only problem is, is the mosquitoes.
Ali Baba's harem? Mosquito Dr.
Bellows, what are you talking about? Right this way, general.
[YAWNS.]
Oh, I'm sorry, master, but you looked so uncomfortable, and And then I overslept.
Yeah.
Look, we'll talk about that later.
We'll talk about a lot of things later.
Right now, you gotta get me home.
Right now.
Now, Major Nelson, would you kindly explain to the general ju Where are they? What's that, sir? Uh, uh, the bed.
Uh, the curtains.
The bed? Oh, oh, yeah.
Well, I returned them to NASA supply, sir.
Uh, good morning.
How are you, sir? An Arabian divan in NASA supply? Uh-huh.
Good morning, Jeannie.
Nice to see you.
Oh, nice to see you too, general.
I hope you had, at least, a tolerable night's sleep, major.
Oh, indeed I did, sir.
Very comfortable bed.
Weren't bothered by, uh, mosquitoes or anything? Mosquitoes? Oh, uh, you're referring to the bed with the curtains? It was an infirmary bed.
It was the only one they had available in NASA supply.
Uh, general, I swear Oh, please, doctor.
Not in front of the major's fiancée.
[LAUGHS.]
Very good, sir.
Uh, Jeannie, would you like to join us for breakfast? Hey, why don't we all have breakfast together? Tell you what, I'll join you later.
I have some work to finish.
Now, look, Major Nelson Now, you know as well as Yes, sir Oh, never mind.
Yes, sir.
[KEY TURNS IN LOCK.]
Huh.
Wait a minute, fellas.
Wait.
I gotta get in there.
It's my house.
I gotta get in there.
Sorry, sir.
General's orders.
Uh Well, wait! [GRUNTS.]
[.]
HELASCO: You don't need it, get rid of it.
What is all this anyway? Perfect.
Take out the drapes.
No, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
How many times must I tell you, the place must be kept clean of trash.
No.
Fuchsia.
[.]
[GASPS.]
[ART PIECE GURGLING, SPUTTERING.]
I think I'm gonna be sick.
Who are you? Ah! Oh, uh, hi there.
I'm, um, from the hiring hall.
I'm your extra help.
I I just got rid of all the workmen.
And besides, all the heavy work's been done.
Yeah.
Well, uh Well, what? Nothing.
All it needs now is a few finishing touches.
Yeah.
It looks pretty finished all right.
What did you say? I said I'm from the hiring hall.
I heard what you said.
Yeah, when you want me to start? I don't want you to start.
Don't touch anything.
Sorry.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Whole room is an Helasco original.
Anything happens to it, can't be duplicated.
Can't be duplicated, huh? That's right.
Yeah, well.
Ha-ha.
How about that? You can tell the hiring hall I didn't ask for any extra workmen.
Uh.
Oh, uh And get rid of that sledgehammer.
The The sledgehammer? That's right.
Oh, right.
All right.
Uh Oh, well, I sure am sorry about your pussycat.
Will you please put that sledgehammer down? Well, where did you want me to put it? I'll tell Well, just put it down.
All right.
Ooh.
Sorry.
I don't believe my eyes.
Huh? Oh, you're having trouble seeing.
Here, I'll get some Oh, you brought the candle okay.
There it is.
Don't you touch that candle.
Put that candle down.
Here, this'll help you see.
I can see perfectly well.
Because You have shifty eyes.
That's what you have.
Just put that candle down.
There we are.
Oh! Hey, I'll see ya.
You run out [BLOWING.]
[LAUGHING CRAZILY.]
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
Whoo! That's done it.
Oh.
Some on that.
Done it.
Done it? Yeah.
Get out! Huh? Oh, that's a sure pretty little thing.
Looks like one of them beach balls with warts on it.
"Beach ball with warts.
" That happens to be my Mona Lisa.
Ah, huh? Yeah? [GURGLING.]
Oh, that's an affectionate little thing.
Seems, uh, quite attached to you.
[LAUGHING.]
Hey, you got a right nice place here.
Don't you put your hands on that cannon.
Idiot! Look what you've done.
Take your hands off those flags.
Hey, get Will you get out? I'm gonna see you thrown into jail.
You'll never work again.
Well, I was just doing my job.
Your Job? You wrecked the house! I [GAGGING.]
Yeah, well, that's what I do.
I'm from the Acme Wrecking Company.
It's all right.
Uh, say, they must've given me the wrong address.
They're not too intelligent down the hiring hall.
Take your coveralls and go.
[CHUCKLES.]
Sure.
Sure, I will.
It sure has been nice knowing Don't put your finger on that.
[GUNSHOTS.]
[BELLOWS CHUCKLING.]
Well, goodbye.
I can hardly wait to see the house.
I'm sure you'll love it.
Heh.
[.]
Dr.
Bellows, I could cry.
Dr.
Bellows, I tell you, a mad home wrecker broke in and destroyed the whole place.
Yes, every bit of it.
What? No, please.
Please, don't come over.
Dr.
Bellows! [LINE CLICKS DEAD.]
[GURGLING.]
[GROANS.]
[.]
Shall never be able to recreate it.
Never.
In a million years.
[SIGHS.]
Oh.
[CLICKING TONGUE.]
A mad home wrecker.
Tsk.
How horrible.
The poor man.
I love it.
I adore it.
I am crazy about it.
Blah.
Heh.
Now, I must find my master and tell him about the mad home wrecker.
[.]
[.]
[ART PIECE GURGLING.]
He was right.
The home wrecker really wrecked his home.
Uh, gentlemen, I apologize for that, uh The silly phone call.
But you see, I'm subject to blackouts.
Uh, Sagittarians are famous for it.
You mean, this is what you intended to do? Down to the smallest, uh, detail.
Just stuns you, doesn't it? Oh, yeah.
Stun.
Stun.
St How c? How could you? I was the mad home wrecker.
Well, I'm sorry, master.
I did not know, and And I felt so sorry for the poor man.
Yeah, well, you better start feeling sorry for us.
We're We're gonna have to live in that horror.
Oh.
It's nauseating.
Positively nauseating.
Tables made of cannon shells.
Lamps from machine guns.
Simply ghastly.
Well, darling, look, we'll just have to keep them away from it.
You know, until we can fix it up.
Well, we can't ask Major Nelson to sleep in his office forever.
You can, sir.
You're a general.
TONY: Hello! Uh Oh.
Hi.
Hello.
Everybody ready? Uh, w-w-well, no.
Not quite.
No.
There are a few little, heh, details that we have to work out before you can see it.
For example: Uh, do you like this color drape or this color? Uh.
Oh, either one.
[GASPS.]
What a marvelous room.
Oh, Anthony, do you like it? Ah.
Oh, great.
Great.
Yeah.
[GIGGLES.]
Well.
I think we can go in now.
Oh, no, no.
We have HELASCO: We're ready.
Oh, no, wait.
Uh He's ready.
I wish I'll tell you what.
Now, why don't we wait until, um I think Well, actually [GASPS.]
Oh.
[.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Perfect.
Beautiful.
We thank you all.
What? Stunning.
It's absolutely stunning.
My supreme masterpiece.
This isn't the room we saw.
Uh, Major Healey, tell them about the table with the, uh With the cannon shells and the lamps with the machine guns.
Uh, in the living room, sir? Don't worry, doctor, they're probably in the same place as Ali Baba's harem.
[CRASH.]
Mr.
Helasco! Mr.
Helasco.
What happened? It must be another one of his fainting spells.
He's a Sagittarius, you know.
Is he? So is Alfred.
[CRASH.]
[MOANING LIGHTLY.]
Uh.
Dr.
Bellows.
Are you all right, sir? Dr.
Bellows? [SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
Oh.
Oh, dear.
Okay, just sit down over here, sir.
Can't stand it.
All the fuchsia.
[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY.]
[.]
[.]
Hey.
Jeannie.
What? Jeannie! [MAGIC BOINGS.]
Jeannie! MAN: Well, lady, I think I got the extent of this whole Hey, where did this come from? Well, I just brought it down from the attic.
TONY: Jeannie, please.
Would ya? Him too? Master.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, no, no, no.
This is my ma My My My fiancé.
Darling, darling.
I'd like you to meet Mr.
Gelber.
He is a junk man.
How do you do? And please.
I'm a dealer in reclaimed marketables.
Oh, yes.
Of course.
Oh.
Of course.
Sorry.
Would you help me, please? Hey.
Uh Are you throwing all this stuff out? Oh, we have to if we are going to redecorate.
We must make room.
Uh, and my Civil War cannonball? You're gonna throw that out too? We're already receiving wedding gifts, and I have no place to put them.
Yeah.
But, I mean, the Some of this stuff is good.
I mean, look at the skis and And Sure.
You never know when you might need a A moose with, uh, one antler.
Yeah.
Well, maybe you're right.
Uh Uh, how much do you think all this is worth? Twenty-five bucks.
Twenty-five dollars? Don't be ridiculous.
There's a lot of good things here.
GELBER: Well, maybe you're right.
Uh, 50.
Well, 50.
That's a little more reasonable.
Anyhow Uh, you wanna pay me now or, uh, when I pick it up? Me pay you? Well, you're buying it.
Oh, no, no, no.
You misunderstand.
I'm carting it away.
Pay me when I come back with it.
Uh, wait a minute.
Hey! Wh-wh-whoa! [CLATTERS.]
Oh! Oh, master.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Master.
[.]
[.]
[.]
You gave away all my old things for this? Yes, master.
It is our first wedding present.
Yeah.
From Uncle Yackmir.
Oh, yeah? I can see why he gave it away.
Oh, be careful.
[SCREAMS.]
Oh.
Oh.
Wow! [LAUGHING.]
Wow.
Jeez.
I I am sorry.
A couch of nails.
Oh.
Yes, master.
It is very rare.
And all of my relatives will be sending us gifts.
So you see, we have to have someplace to put them.
Yeah, yeah.
I've been thinking about that, Jeannie.
And, uh, well, one of the things I want to do is I-is do something that probably no newlywed couple has ever done in their whole lives.
Yes, master.
Eh, eh If we get a present that we don't like, I wanna be honest.
I wanna say so.
Honest? Yeah.
I hate it.
Get rid of it, would you, please? Get rid of that thing.
Y-y-yes, master.
That really hurt.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
No, no, no, no.
Not now.
No.
I got him.
Here.
In here.
I got him.
I got him.
Oh Oh Roger, what is it? What is it? Are you ready for this guy? I caught him looting your garage in broad daylight.
TONY: Roger, he's a junk man.
A dealer in reclaimed marketables.
Wait a minute.
You're not gonna give that away.
Your Knute Rockne helmet.
And your moose with the With the How much are they worth? Fifty bucks.
Fifty bucks? Fifty bucks? I'll give you 50 bucks.
Uh, take it to his place for the same price? Fifty bucks.
Here.
GELBER: Sometimes I wish I'd never gone into public service.
WOMAN: Yoo-hoo! Major Healey.
Oh, its Dr.
Bellows and Mrs.
Bellows.
Would you help us in with this, major? Oh, look at this.
Holy Ooh.
What is in the box? Yeah.
It's your wedding present.
I know we're a little early.
But frankly, we couldn't wait to see how you two would like it.
Oh.
Wow.
Major Healey, I don't have all day.
Well, he doesn't have all day.
Hey, tell me what's in the present, huh? Huh? Oh, you lucky Yeah.
Ta-da! [.]
An original Helasco.
[SPUTTERING, GURGLING.]
Well how do you like it? [GURGLING.]
[SPUTTERING.]
AMANDA: Uh, be honest now.
Oh, well.
I-it is beautiful, Mrs.
Bellows.
I hate it.
She loves it! She loves it.
I love it? Yes.
She lov D-Dr.
Bellows, she loved it.
It It's a really ex But, you said And a most unusual It's lovely.
It really is.
We both love it.
Thank heaven.
I mean, you don't know how chancy it is to buy works of art for somebody else.
I mean, especially modern art.
[LAUGHS.]
But Alfred and I, well, we just fell so much in love with it, we knew you would too.
But you know, you really can't admire this properly standing up.
Uh, you really should be sitting down.
Mm.
[GURGLING, SPUTTERING.]
[SQUEALS.]
[LAUGHS.]
Uh Uh, you get an excruciating view from this angle.
[WINCES.]
[.]
[MAGIC BOINGS.]
[SPUTTERING, GURGLING.]
Jeannie! I have the perfect solution, master.
Since you love it and I hate it, why do we not keep it here in your office? Huh? Because this thing would drive me completely up the wall.
Now, I don't love it.
I hate it as much as you do.
Oh.
Oh, I understand.
We are only going to be honest with my relatives.
No, look.
I promise you that I promise you, I'll figure out a way to get rid of it.
But until I do, I want you to promise me that I-if you see Dr.
or Mrs.
Bellows, you'll tell 'em that you love the thing.
That you adore it.
You're crazy about it.
Okay? Yes, master.
I love it.
I adore it.
I am crazy about it.
Blah.
Oh, uh, come on.
Uh, Jeannie.
Say, you forgot your Your No, she didn't.
[.]
Tsk.
Hm.
My master is right.
It is horrible.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh, hello.
Hello, hello, Jeannie.
Oh, I I knew you'd be home.
I mean, what, with redoing the house and all.
Mm.
Have I got a surprise for you.
Ooh.
I want you to meet Mr.
Helasco himself.
My dear lady.
Just Helasco.
Nothing before, nothing after.
Just Helasco.
How do you do, Mr.
Helasco? We love it.
We adore it.
We are crazy about it.
[.]
Captain Talbot experienced slight anoxia at reentry point.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Uh, this-that's where we ought Well.
Here we are, Dr.
Bellows.
Hey, hey.
You're not gonna bring that thing in here, are ya? Of course, he isn't.
It's mine.
Hm.
It's a Venezuelan yak.
Very rare.
Uh, Major Healey sold it to me for, uh, only 50 dollars.
Huh? Just put it in my office.
I'll figure out how to mount it later.
Uh, yes, sir.
You paid $50 for that? Oh, I see you liked the Helasco so much you decided to keep it in your office.
[GURGLING.]
Sounds like it has an upset stomach.
Thank you, sir.
Oh.
That's all right.
I'll get the door.
No.
You better get the door.
There.
Thank you.
Got it.
Okay.
Okay.
Well.
What, uh, special place have you put, uh, the Mona Lisa? The Mona Lisa? My own interpretation.
Uh You know, Jeannie.
The, uh, glug, glug, glug.
Oh.
Ha.
Oh, well.
Actually, we love it.
We adore it.
Mm, "We adore it," we're crazy about it.
" But where is it? Well, it is right over there.
Well [GURGLING, SPUTTERING.]
Oh, you could've found a place with a little more light, but ça be fait rien.
It'll all be changed anyhow.
All be changed? Mrs.
Bellows, I do not understand.
Oh, that's the surprise, darling.
You see Heaven.
Absolute heaven.
You like it? A genuine Persian Baroque couch of nails.
Where did you find it? Well.
Actually, Uncle Yackmir No, no, no.
Don't tell me.
Don't tell me.
I shall be extremely jealous.
Oh.
Isn't he marvelous? Well, y-yes.
But why is he Uh, unfortunately, everything else is sick-making.
That stays.
Everything else goes.
Mrs.
Bellows, what is he doing? Oh, you see, that's the surprise, Jeannie.
Yes.
Everybody chipped in at the base to have Mr.
Helasco himself redecorate your entire house.
It's NASA's wedding present for you and Tony.
[LAUGHING UNCOMFORTABLY.]
Uh [BOTH WOMEN CHUCKLE.]
[CRASH.]
[LAUGHS UNCOMFORTABLY.]
Mwah.
[HUMMING.]
[CAR DOOR CLOSES.]
Hey, Roger.
Roger! What are you doing? What is this? "No admittance except to authorized personnel.
" And look what you're doing to my door.
You're putting a nail Don't worry about your door.
Helasco's gonna replace it.
He thinks it's "ick.
" [CRASH.]
Hey, what's going on in there anyhow? Oh.
Oh, I'd like to, uh, see your pass.
[CIRCULAR SAW WHIRS.]
Roge, this is my house.
Well, Helasco's gonna be working on it for three days.
You can stay in the office.
Uh, this house is going to be a complete surprise.
HELASCO: I said I want this wall fuchsia, you cretin.
Fuchsia.
Fuchsia walls! Oh, you You better stand out of the way, man.
I don't wanna have to fight you.
Yeah.
Good.
Uh Men.
You'll need to fight with them.
No one is allowed into this house without a pass, especially him.
General Schaeffer's orders.
Right, sir.
Yeah W-wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
You hear me? Ah, ah.
We're all packed.
What about Jeannie? I said we're all packed.
Oh? [QUIETLY.]
Shh.
Don't wake her up.
Come on.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Come on.
Come on.
I tell you, we're all packed.
[CIRCULAR SAW WHIRS.]
[.]
[MOANING.]
No more fuchsia walls, please.
[GROANING.]
[YAWNING.]
[TONY GROANING.]
Oh, no.
No.
Oh, no.
No.
Helasco.
Fuchsia.
Fuchsia walls.
Oh.
My poor master, he looks so uncomfortable.
[.]
Helasco.
Oh.
Oh.
Fuchsia.
Oh.
[SNIFFLES.]
[GROANING, MUMBLING.]
[SNORING.]
Oh.
There.
At least he will be more comfortable now.
[YAWNS.]
[.]
Major Nelson.
Where did all this come from? Uh, this bed, those pillows, the These curtains.
Hello, Doctor Bellows.
[SCREAMS.]
Major Nelson, please! Look at me! Look at my uniform! Uh What's the matter with you? Huh, I? What in heaven's name is that? [STAMMERS.]
Mosquito netting, sir.
Malaria prevention.
Mosquito netting? Yeah.
Malaria prevention? Absolutely.
Oh, I wish you'd be more care Look at this! I'll [SCREAMS.]
What was that? A mosquito bite.
Very painful, sir.
The whole room is full of 'em.
Hold still.
Hold still, sir.
One right there.
Ow! What's the mat? The whole room is full of 'em It must be full.
I can hear them.
Give me some of this.
Uh, no.
Give me s Give me! Oh.
Oh.
[.]
Ooh.
Oh, uh, General Schaeffer.
That'll be all.
Thank you.
General Schaeffer Dr.
Bellows, I wanted to see you.
You know I don't feel right about making Major Nelson sleep in his office while we redecorate his house.
Well, there's nothing to worry about, sir.
He is doing just fine.
He's got the place done up like Ali Baba's harem.
His house? No, no, no.
His office.
The only problem is, is the mosquitoes.
Ali Baba's harem? Mosquito Dr.
Bellows, what are you talking about? Right this way, general.
[YAWNS.]
Oh, I'm sorry, master, but you looked so uncomfortable, and And then I overslept.
Yeah.
Look, we'll talk about that later.
We'll talk about a lot of things later.
Right now, you gotta get me home.
Right now.
Now, Major Nelson, would you kindly explain to the general ju Where are they? What's that, sir? Uh, uh, the bed.
Uh, the curtains.
The bed? Oh, oh, yeah.
Well, I returned them to NASA supply, sir.
Uh, good morning.
How are you, sir? An Arabian divan in NASA supply? Uh-huh.
Good morning, Jeannie.
Nice to see you.
Oh, nice to see you too, general.
I hope you had, at least, a tolerable night's sleep, major.
Oh, indeed I did, sir.
Very comfortable bed.
Weren't bothered by, uh, mosquitoes or anything? Mosquitoes? Oh, uh, you're referring to the bed with the curtains? It was an infirmary bed.
It was the only one they had available in NASA supply.
Uh, general, I swear Oh, please, doctor.
Not in front of the major's fiancée.
[LAUGHS.]
Very good, sir.
Uh, Jeannie, would you like to join us for breakfast? Hey, why don't we all have breakfast together? Tell you what, I'll join you later.
I have some work to finish.
Now, look, Major Nelson Now, you know as well as Yes, sir Oh, never mind.
Yes, sir.
[KEY TURNS IN LOCK.]
Huh.
Wait a minute, fellas.
Wait.
I gotta get in there.
It's my house.
I gotta get in there.
Sorry, sir.
General's orders.
Uh Well, wait! [GRUNTS.]
[.]
HELASCO: You don't need it, get rid of it.
What is all this anyway? Perfect.
Take out the drapes.
No, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
How many times must I tell you, the place must be kept clean of trash.
No.
Fuchsia.
[.]
[GASPS.]
[ART PIECE GURGLING, SPUTTERING.]
I think I'm gonna be sick.
Who are you? Ah! Oh, uh, hi there.
I'm, um, from the hiring hall.
I'm your extra help.
I I just got rid of all the workmen.
And besides, all the heavy work's been done.
Yeah.
Well, uh Well, what? Nothing.
All it needs now is a few finishing touches.
Yeah.
It looks pretty finished all right.
What did you say? I said I'm from the hiring hall.
I heard what you said.
Yeah, when you want me to start? I don't want you to start.
Don't touch anything.
Sorry.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Whole room is an Helasco original.
Anything happens to it, can't be duplicated.
Can't be duplicated, huh? That's right.
Yeah, well.
Ha-ha.
How about that? You can tell the hiring hall I didn't ask for any extra workmen.
Uh.
Oh, uh And get rid of that sledgehammer.
The The sledgehammer? That's right.
Oh, right.
All right.
Uh Oh, well, I sure am sorry about your pussycat.
Will you please put that sledgehammer down? Well, where did you want me to put it? I'll tell Well, just put it down.
All right.
Ooh.
Sorry.
I don't believe my eyes.
Huh? Oh, you're having trouble seeing.
Here, I'll get some Oh, you brought the candle okay.
There it is.
Don't you touch that candle.
Put that candle down.
Here, this'll help you see.
I can see perfectly well.
Because You have shifty eyes.
That's what you have.
Just put that candle down.
There we are.
Oh! Hey, I'll see ya.
You run out [BLOWING.]
[LAUGHING CRAZILY.]
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
Whoo! That's done it.
Oh.
Some on that.
Done it.
Done it? Yeah.
Get out! Huh? Oh, that's a sure pretty little thing.
Looks like one of them beach balls with warts on it.
"Beach ball with warts.
" That happens to be my Mona Lisa.
Ah, huh? Yeah? [GURGLING.]
Oh, that's an affectionate little thing.
Seems, uh, quite attached to you.
[LAUGHING.]
Hey, you got a right nice place here.
Don't you put your hands on that cannon.
Idiot! Look what you've done.
Take your hands off those flags.
Hey, get Will you get out? I'm gonna see you thrown into jail.
You'll never work again.
Well, I was just doing my job.
Your Job? You wrecked the house! I [GAGGING.]
Yeah, well, that's what I do.
I'm from the Acme Wrecking Company.
It's all right.
Uh, say, they must've given me the wrong address.
They're not too intelligent down the hiring hall.
Take your coveralls and go.
[CHUCKLES.]
Sure.
Sure, I will.
It sure has been nice knowing Don't put your finger on that.
[GUNSHOTS.]
[BELLOWS CHUCKLING.]
Well, goodbye.
I can hardly wait to see the house.
I'm sure you'll love it.
Heh.
[.]
Dr.
Bellows, I could cry.
Dr.
Bellows, I tell you, a mad home wrecker broke in and destroyed the whole place.
Yes, every bit of it.
What? No, please.
Please, don't come over.
Dr.
Bellows! [LINE CLICKS DEAD.]
[GURGLING.]
[GROANS.]
[.]
Shall never be able to recreate it.
Never.
In a million years.
[SIGHS.]
Oh.
[CLICKING TONGUE.]
A mad home wrecker.
Tsk.
How horrible.
The poor man.
I love it.
I adore it.
I am crazy about it.
Blah.
Heh.
Now, I must find my master and tell him about the mad home wrecker.
[.]
[.]
[ART PIECE GURGLING.]
He was right.
The home wrecker really wrecked his home.
Uh, gentlemen, I apologize for that, uh The silly phone call.
But you see, I'm subject to blackouts.
Uh, Sagittarians are famous for it.
You mean, this is what you intended to do? Down to the smallest, uh, detail.
Just stuns you, doesn't it? Oh, yeah.
Stun.
Stun.
St How c? How could you? I was the mad home wrecker.
Well, I'm sorry, master.
I did not know, and And I felt so sorry for the poor man.
Yeah, well, you better start feeling sorry for us.
We're We're gonna have to live in that horror.
Oh.
It's nauseating.
Positively nauseating.
Tables made of cannon shells.
Lamps from machine guns.
Simply ghastly.
Well, darling, look, we'll just have to keep them away from it.
You know, until we can fix it up.
Well, we can't ask Major Nelson to sleep in his office forever.
You can, sir.
You're a general.
TONY: Hello! Uh Oh.
Hi.
Hello.
Everybody ready? Uh, w-w-well, no.
Not quite.
No.
There are a few little, heh, details that we have to work out before you can see it.
For example: Uh, do you like this color drape or this color? Uh.
Oh, either one.
[GASPS.]
What a marvelous room.
Oh, Anthony, do you like it? Ah.
Oh, great.
Great.
Yeah.
[GIGGLES.]
Well.
I think we can go in now.
Oh, no, no.
We have HELASCO: We're ready.
Oh, no, wait.
Uh He's ready.
I wish I'll tell you what.
Now, why don't we wait until, um I think Well, actually [GASPS.]
Oh.
[.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Perfect.
Beautiful.
We thank you all.
What? Stunning.
It's absolutely stunning.
My supreme masterpiece.
This isn't the room we saw.
Uh, Major Healey, tell them about the table with the, uh With the cannon shells and the lamps with the machine guns.
Uh, in the living room, sir? Don't worry, doctor, they're probably in the same place as Ali Baba's harem.
[CRASH.]
Mr.
Helasco! Mr.
Helasco.
What happened? It must be another one of his fainting spells.
He's a Sagittarius, you know.
Is he? So is Alfred.
[CRASH.]
[MOANING LIGHTLY.]
Uh.
Dr.
Bellows.
Are you all right, sir? Dr.
Bellows? [SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
Oh.
Oh, dear.
Okay, just sit down over here, sir.
Can't stand it.
All the fuchsia.
[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY.]
[.]
[.]