I Dream of Jeannie (1965) s05e10 Episode Script

[.]
Stay there.
Oh.
[SIGHING.]
I am not sure.
Ooh, peculiar.
Not at all, my dear.
Collages are arranged in this manner in the best houses.
Oh, Uncle Azmire.
It's a distinct pleasure to see you, my dear.
I came as soon as I heard, of course.
Oh, well, it is good to see you too, uncle.
Heh.
As soon as you heard what? Why, that you were getting married.
As the eldest son of the seventh son, it is, of course, my familial duty to approve your future husband.
Is it? Heh.
I did not know.
Ah, it's the same all over.
The younger generation has no respect for tradition.
I assure you, my dear, hm, that without my approval, you cannot get married.
Now that's what I calls art.
Uncle Vasmir! You too? In the flesh.
Sorry I'm late.
I left right after the sixth race.
Give me a buzz, love.
[GIGGLES.]
Vasmir, you have chosen to pay a visit at an extremely inopportune moment.
Well, coo-ee! If I'd a known you was gonna have the gentry here, I would've worn my boiled shirt.
She's my niece too, coz.
That is something the entire family would prefer to forget.
[LAUGHING.]
Oh, dear.
Uncles, why do you not shake hands? And I am the seventh son of the eldest son, ain't I? Every family has its black sheep.
Which makes it me boundin' duty to put the okay on Jeannie's future hubby, don't it? Does it? No! That is the duty of the eldest son of the seventh son: Me! Not in my racing chart.
It's the seventh son of the eldest son, yours truly.
You old pickled son of a wall-eyed codfish.
[GASPS.]
Uncle Vasmir, please! Looks better that way, don't it? [HUFFING.]
Don't you mouth your lower-class epithets at me, you parvenu! Oh, uncles, you're being silly.
All right, so that's the way it is, is it? All right, five rounds, and the winner gets to approve Jeannie's hubby.
Nothing would give me greater pleasure.
The Marquis of Queensbury, of course.
Uncles, uncles, please.
You are being ridiculous.
This is so silly! Please, my master will be home any instant, and And then you will both see what a wonderful man he is.
Jeannie, I'm home.
Hey, did you see this article in the paper about me? Huh? You rotten Oh! Oh, master! Well, he may be wonderful, but he can't take a punch, can he? [.]
Oh, uncles, look what you have done! Oh, master.
[CRYING.]
This is terrible! Now see here, coz.
You made her cry.
Oh, Jeannie, forgive me.
I forgot myself.
Look, we're making it up.
No hard feelings, coz.
Mmm.
Oh, oh, he is waking up.
Oh, poor master.
Darling, sweet little master.
Argh.
I'm afraid his state of consciousness is somewhat premature.
Oh! Uncle Azmire! And now, Vasmir, kindly vanish.
Jeannie and I have the approval of her future husband to discuss.
Not without me, you ain't.
It's me what gets to say thumbs down or thumbs up.
AZMIRE: What you say is of no account.
By order of the Great Djinn, it is the eldest son of the seventh son.
As it so happens, I was with the Great Djinn last night in Monte Carlo.
Heh, heh, heh.
Broke the bank, he did.
And he says to me, "Vasmir," he says, "You go approve of Jeannie's future husband.
" Me and the Great Djinn is like that.
Hm.
Jeannie, I warn you.
I shall be very severe.
I shall not allow my favorite niece to get married to a man who is not a true gentleman.
Well, I'm certainly not gonna let you get spliced to a stuffy cove like him.
Well, how in the world is my master ever going to please both of you? Mm, uh, please who? Sorry, guv.
We ain't quite ready for you yet.
Oh! How are you going to approve of him if you do not let him wake up? Because he may not know that he is being investigated.
Right.
VASMIR: For once.
We always does it incommunicado.
He means incognito.
But he's already seen both of you.
Well, I can fix that easy enough.
I'll put him back outside.
He won't even remember a thing.
Now, you go on just as usual, and I'll be taking notes.
And so will I.
[.]
Uncle, uncle, wh-what will happen if you do not approve of him? Oh, don't worry, my dear.
You won't have to face an unpleasant scene.
I'll simply get rid of him.
Get rid of him? Oh, but Uncle, I [DOOR OPENS.]
TONY: Jeannie, I'm home! Oh! A true gentleman who is not stuffy.
Oh, dear.
Good evening, master.
Hi, Jeannie.
Oh, hello, duchess.
Uh, there's a wonderful article 'Allo, darlin', how about giving us a little buzz? Ow, my jaw.
Wow.
Oh, hey, uh, there's a Huh? Oh, what is the matter, master? Oh, I don't know.
I guess I've been working too hard.
Boy, what a day, huh? Hey, there's a great article in here by Dr.
Bell Ah, don't do that! What is it? A gentleman does not put his feet on the furniture.
Huh? What, are you kidding? [LAUGHING.]
Yes, that is right, master.
I am kidding.
Because you are such a A fun, non-stuffy person to be with.
Poo-poo-pee-do.
What, are you having an attack of schizophrenia or something? What's the matter with you? [LAUGHING.]
Oh, that is funny, master.
Oh-ho-ho.
You are truly a card.
Uh, okay, I give up.
What's going on? It is time to dress for dinner, master.
Dress Not until you What do you mean, dress for dinner? I'm not gonna A true gentleman always dresses for dinner.
Heh, I think.
You're kidding.
I'm perfectly happy with what I got on.
At least I was.
Now, shall we go in? Oh, well.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[GIGGLING.]
Ahh.
Oh, well, that's great.
Sensational, as a matter of fact.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Oh.
Sorry, your ladyship.
Oh, that is good, master.
That is very good.
Hey, this looks sensational.
Well, are we gonna eat or just admire the table? Uh, well, of course we are going to eat.
Fish and chips, love.
Dig in.
[LAUGHING.]
TONY: Fish and chips for a formal dinner? Wow! Oh! Oh, my goodness, you are right.
Huh? Oh, well, that's better.
TONY: Mmm, mmm, good! Mmm! Well, Roger, it was really weird.
All night long, Jeannie kept switching back and forth between the Duchess of Windsor and a ladies' roller derby.
Well, maybe she's turned into a youthful rebel searching for her identity.
She's a genie.
That's her identity.
Oh, and this morning This morning just as I was leaving she said, "Remember, master, if anybody happens to ask you, just tell them that you're a non-stuffy gentleman.
" Well, what do you make of that? I wouldn't worry about the gentleman part.
But I wonder if she'd settle for a semi-stuffy? Roger, no, I mean about Jeannie.
What do you think about her? Well, for a gal who won't blink her master's best friend a million dollars, I'd say she's okay.
Roger, you're worthless.
Well, not if I had a million dollars.
I better get this to Dr.
Bellows.
All right.
Which one of you blokes is Major Nelson? Uh, oh, I am, sir.
May I help you? VASMIR: Oh, I hope so, guv.
I hope so.
Ah, care to buy a couple of sweepstake tickets? Oh, uh, no, no.
Thank you very much.
No? No, "Thank you very much.
May I help you?" Being a bit formal, ain't you? Uh, listen, sir, about those sweepstake tickets, maybe I Now, you stay out of this, guv.
It's him I'm interested in.
[WHISPERS.]
Yeah.
Well, mate, buying or not? Oh, no, no, thanks.
Oh, no, thanks.
Not a bettin' man, eh? I was afraid of that.
[CHUCKLES.]
Care for a little drinky once in a while? [LAUGHS.]
Well, y Uh, par-pardon me.
Did anybody issue you a pass when you came on? When you come onto a NASA base, you're supposed to have a pass, see.
Stickler for details.
Worse and worse.
Oh, uh, Major Nelson, I'd like to talk to you about Oh, excuse me.
I-I didn't know you were busy.
Oh, that That's all right, sir.
I was just about to call a security guard.
This gentleman doesn't have a pass.
Then what's he doing in you office? Selling sweepstake tickets.
All right! You're bending the coat.
All right, I'll take care of it.
Uh, sir Come along.
I wanted to talk to you about the plans here.
I'll see you in my office in 10 minutes.
Oh, uh, Major Healey, give me a hand.
I'm warning you guys.
I'm here on very important business.
All right, now This way, sir.
I'd certainly like to know how you slipped past the security guards.
I have me methods.
Listen, I heard Major Nelson call you a doc.
That's right, Dr.
Bellows is the NASA psychiatrist.
Major Healey, that's none of his business.
A shrink? You can't call Dr.
Bellows a shrink, sir.
I mean, a shrink is not exactly I mean [.]
Sergeant, see that this man leaves the base, and be sure that he's not allowed back in.
Yes, sir.
Not me, sergeant.
Him.
What cheek these bloomin' gatecrashers have.
What am I doing in these clothes? You know, I never realized it before, but you two look an awful lot alike.
Sergeant, let me go.
I have no time to discuss it further, mate.
Take him away, sergeant major.
ROGER: Sorry about those tickets.
I would've bought a couple of 'em.
Major Healey, wait! I don't know what security on this base is coming to.
That man doesn't have a pass either.
Well, h-how do you know, sir? I'm a psychiatrist, ain't I? Isn't that "aren't I", sir? Get rid of him.
Right-o.
Now to find me office, and that Major Anthony "Stuffy" Nelson.
[MUMBLING.]
Now then, guv.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I mean, uh, Major Nelson, what was it you wanted to see me about? Oh, yes, sir.
It's about the plans.
The, uh, service-propulsion system.
The nozzle Uh, yes, of course.
Uh, care to find the pea? The pea? Oh, is that some new psychological test? No, it's not a test.
It's a game of skill, and eye and hand coordination.
You put up a quid, I put up a quid.
A quid? Oh, I mean dollar.
You guess where the pea is, you win.
Come on, mate.
Have a go.
Ha-ha.
Are you feeling all right, sir? [IN NORMAL VOICE.]
I never felt better.
Of course.
I know.
You're a Yank.
[MAGIC BOINGS.]
I'll bet your game is craps.
[CHUCKLES.]
Here we go, here we go.
Well, I-I didn't know you were a gambling man.
That's all you know.
Here we go.
Seven come 11.
Give me points five.
Five is me point.
How much of the action you want? Uh, Dr.
Bellows, would you like to lie down for a couple minutes? In the middle of the day? I never hit the kip until 3 in the morning.
Don't tell me you take naps too.
[LAUGHING.]
Poor Jeannie.
Yeah, well, uh, uh, um A nap might not be a bad idea.
Say, I know what you need.
A little pick-me-up, eh, chum? Eh? No, no, I No, I don't need any medicine, sir.
Here we are.
Some of Scotland's best.
You, uh, keep liquor in your file cabinet, sir? What do you think I keep, files? [LAUGHING.]
You aren't exactly a bundle of laughs, are you, major? You You just stay right here, sir.
You stay here.
Don't leave the place, and relax.
I'll be right back.
See here.
Who outranks who? You outrank me, sir, of course.
Then you stay put, and that's an order.
Queen and country.
[.]
Sergeant, I demand that you let me back in.
I'm sorry, mister, you haven't got a pass.
And you heard Colonel Bellows.
But I am Colonel Bellows! Uh-huh.
Ah.
Sergeant, look.
I'll prove it to you.
Here's my driver's license.
Sorry, mister.
I'm not interested.
Uh sergeant! S Sergeant! Well, you're gonna have to leave, sir, unless you have a pass.
Young man, kindly leave me alone.
I have important business with Major Nelson.
Sir, I don't want to use any force, but I'm under Dr.
Bellows' orders.
And who is Dr.
Bellows' superior officer? General Schaeffer, but he's a busy man, sir.
Then I shall talk to him.
Sir, wait a minute, sir.
Oh, Major Healey.
Oh, excuse me, general.
I'm following someone.
A secretary, no doubt.
I'm leaving the base for a half an hour.
I'll be at the barber shop.
Yes, sir.
[.]
Where, where, where? Oh, he's so fat too.
Where'd he go? Oh, Major Healey.
Yes, sir, I thought you were going to the barber shop, sir.
I changed my mind.
Uh, find Major Nelson.
Send him to me immediately.
Oh, sure, but about this man I'm following.
Oh, forget him.
He's a close personal friend of mine.
Marvelous chap.
Uh, pukka sahib.
Pukka sahib? Pukka sahib.
Pukka sahib.
Yes, sir, yes, sir.
[.]
Ah! His office does not answer? Oh, no, no, no, no.
That is all right.
Heh.
I will call later.
Oh, dear.
I wish I knew if my uncles have approved of him yet.
The suspense is terrible.
I've got a lovely bunch Of coconuts Here they are Standing in a row Come on, mate.
Sing along! Here, give it a try.
I-I'd really rather not, sir.
Oh, you don't gamble, you don't drink, and you don't sing.
Yeah.
I don't understand what's come over you.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Come in.
General Schaeffer wants to see you in his office.
Uh, you can tell General Schaeffer to wait.
Listen, he's flipped.
He flipped.
I'm gonna go tell Schaeffer.
You stay here and stall.
Come on, major.
Wait, I'm not through.
[QUIETLY.]
Oh.
Hi, Dr.
Bellows.
Hi.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Nice looking hat.
Hm.
Ah.
Oh, uh, doctor, why don't you just, uh, take it easy and I'll, uh I'll play the uke and you can sing.
Yeah.
Wh-what would you like to sing? Um, "I've Got A Lovely Bunch of Coconuts.
" Ah, yeah.
"Lovely Bunch of Coconuts" Yeah.
I've got a lovely bunch Of coconuts Here they are Standing in a row Big ones, small ones Some as big as your head Uh, General Schaeffer.
Dr.
Bellows, what are you doing out there and in And in those clothes? Sir, they won't let me back on the base.
Well, in that outfit, I should think not.
I-I mean, mod is one thing, but Sir, I don't know what happened.
One minute I was escorting this man without a pass off the base, and the next thing I knew, I was wearing his clothes, and they were throwing me off.
Well, all right, doctor, all right.
Calm down.
I'll get you back in and then we can find out what's going on.
Oh, uh, thank you, sir.
Oh, and, uh, doctor, do you mind walking a few feet behind me? I have my reputation to think of.
No, no, you don't understand, general.
Uh, Dr.
Bellows has gone right over the edge.
Oh, and you don't approve of what's going on, eh? Good.
Ha, ha.
Good.
Well, sir, it It's not my position to approve or disapprove.
It's just that I-I think that he needs help.
Concerned for fellow officers.
Excellent.
Well, if you don't mind my saying so, this is really not the time to make notes.
Dr.
Bellows might get violent any moment.
Uh, uh, now look here, Major Nelson Nelson.
Nelson.
That's an old name.
Are you by any change descended from Admiral Horatio Nelson of Trafalgar? Trafalgar? Master? Ma? Oh, hm.
Perhaps in Dr.
Bellows' office.
I've got a lovely bunch Of coconuts Halt! Hold it.
Which one? Too bad.
Ah, tell me, Roge.
How long is this Schaeffer cove gonna keep Major Nelson? Vasmir! Ooh! Uh, long enough for me to win my money back, I hope.
All right, here we go.
Hm! Hold it.
Hold it.
Which one? Ah That one there.
Close that time, mate.
Close that time.
Let me see.
You know, it's a ruddy shame that Major Nelson is not more like you.
If there's anything that gets me gander up, it's stuffiness.
Well, he's not stuffy, sir.
He's just that way around you.
Actually, he's never seen the sporting side of you.
Ha, ha.
Hold it! Hold it.
You know, I'm glad to hear you say that.
Ah, you being his friend and all, I'm gonna take your word for it.
Which one? This one, this one.
Yeah.
You know, chum, it's been a bloomin' pleasure doing business with you.
There's no pea under any of 'em! Dr.
Bellows? Dr.
Bellows The peas are gone and Dr.
Bellows is gone.
No peas, no Dr.
Bellows.
No relation to Horatio Nelson.
I'm, um, going to the infirmary to pick up some medication, sir.
Perhaps I should get something for you too.
AZMIRE: Ah, just a moment, major.
I have decided that you are an officer and a gentleman, and I thoroughly approve of your marriage.
Ah! Hooray, hooray! I knew you could pass it, master.
I knew you could do it! You did, you did! Good day, Jeannie.
Congratulations.
How many times have I told you not to come in without knocking? You'll have to excuse her, General Schaeffer.
Oh, master, this is not General Schaeffer.
This is my Uncle Azmire.
And he has just approved of our marriage.
Uh, she's been ill, sir.
I think what you both have is contagious.
I'm sorry for the masquerade, my boy, but when your General Schaeffer went to the barber shop, I took the liberty of impersonating him.
[LAUGHING.]
You're Uncle Azmire? Why, you [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.]
And Dr.
Bellows.
Who's Dr.
Bellows? Uncle Vasmir.
I am afraid you did not make a very favorable impression on him.
Well, we'll take care of that right now! Oh, oh, master, wait! Ah! Ah! Jeannie, ha-ha-ha, let him go.
I'd love to see Vasmir get a good bash.
[CHUCKLING.]
Oh, shame.
Now you go in and lie down for a while, doctor.
When you're calmer, we'll discuss it again.
I suppose that would be best, sir.
Perhaps an explanation will occur to me.
[.]
Liquor? On my desk? All right, Vasmir, you've had it.
Major.
Major Nelson.
Why are you looking at me like that? How dare you come in here Whiskey bottles and crap games! Ukuleles! When are you guys gonna learn not to foul up a man's life? He's gone berserk.
Absolutely berserk! Help! Help! You better blink out of here before I lose my temper! Major Nelson, what are you doing? Keep our of this, Azmire, before I really start on you.
Major Nelson! Shut up! The masquerade is o Er.
Jolly good, Nelson, jolly good.
But you can come out of it now.
Out of it.
Huh? The experiment was a success, wouldn't you say? Oh, right-o.
What experiments? Who? Who are you? Oh, of course.
Silly of me.
General St.
Regis-Tyne here, of Her Majesty's Army, on loan to your Pentagon.
This is Lieutenant Stebbens, drug research, you know.
Major Nelson volunteered.
VASMIR: Oh, he was very brave.
One whiff and you become a raving maniac.
One clap of the hands and you come out of it.
Clever, eh? Well W-well, why weren't we informed? Oh, sorry about that.
Hush-hush, you know.
Nelson! Sir! I'll see that you get the Victoria Cross for this.
Oh, the VC for me? But that still doesn't explain about my clothes.
Perhaps you got a whiff by mistake, gov Sir.
Yes, of course.
That could be possible.
Yeah.
Excuse me sir, sir.
Dr.
Bellows, I would like my $35 back.
What?! General Schaeffer, there's something I've gotta tell you about Dr.
Bellows.
There isn't a pea under any of those things.
Is he drugged too? Huh? Roger, Roger, snap out of it! ROGER: Sir, I know this is hard to believe, but Dr.
Bellows is running a shell game.
[.]
[.]