I Dream of Jeannie (1965) s05e14 Episode Script
Never Put a Genie on a Budget
[.]
I've just gotten word that Major Gregorian, the Russian cosmonaut, has been invited to visit NASA.
Naturally, we're going to extend him the courtesy of the base.
It'll be interesting to exchange views with him, don't you think? Yeah, I'd like to ask him about that, uh, female cosmonaut.
TONY: There you are.
Thank you.
[RINGS.]
Nelson's corridor.
[CHUCKLES.]
I I Listen, I told you never to call me here.
Oh, I am sorry, master.
I thought it was important, or I would not have Well, I'm sure it's important, but couldn't it wait? Well, I-if that is what you wish, master.
Yes, that is what I wish.
Uh, perhaps you could stop by and pick me up on your way home? Okay, where are you? In the Cocoa Beach jail.
[.]
[LINE CLICKS.]
[.]
[.]
[.]
Roger, give me the car to your keys.
The car to my keys? The keys to your car.
You know what I mean.
Where are you going? We have an important matter to discuss.
Uh, sir, there's a little emergency's come up.
Oh, did something happen to Jeannie? Uh, no, no, she's in a In what, major? Uh, kind of a panic.
The, uh The plumbing broke.
There's water all over the place.
You call the plumber? Mmm, mmm.
Well, of course she should call the plumber.
Doesn't she know that wives don't bother their husbands with trivial matters, particularly when we're in the middle of an important conference? Sir, it'll take me a minute to bail her out Bail the water out.
Oh, nonsense, major.
Now, she's got to begin to learn to cope with these things.
Yes, sir.
Yes, sir.
Come on, will ya? For heaven's sakes, will you kindly sit down? You're making me nervous.
Me too.
All this over a little plumbing job? Oh, all right.
Exactly.
Exactly.
Now, as I was saying, before you, uh, disappeared Sorry.
Major Gregorian will be given the courtesy of the base.
Oh, Major Healey, since you're a bachelor, you've been selected to show Major Gregorian around Cocoa Beach.
Well, I hope he has a strong constitution.
You will conduct him on a tour of the, uh, museum, the library, and the public school system.
I hope I have a strong constitution.
Uh, uh, sir, I really have to Uh, sit down, major.
Oh.
Since you're a married man, you've been selected to entertain Major Gregorian in your home.
Me? We're going to give an elaborate party for Major Gregorian on Saturday night, but first I thought, well, um I'd like him to see how the, uh, typical American couple lives.
Well, you certainly picked the right couple.
TONY: Fine.
When did you say he's arriving, sir? BELLOWS: Tomorrow morning.
I thought perhaps that, uh, he could have dinner with you tomorrow night.
Uh, that is if, uh, Jeannie will have sufficient time.
She might be kinda tied up.
[.]
She, uh She took this, huh? That's right, major.
She went around to every store in Cocoa Beach, saw what she wanted and walked away with it.
That is not true.
I charged it.
Hm.
Sure she charged it.
Only she doesn't have any charge accounts.
Hm.
Did I do something wrong? Uh, yes, I'm afraid so, Jeannie.
Um, she doesn't really understand very much about charge accounts, you see.
Where is she from, the moon? Oh, no, I'm from Babylon.
Uh, there's been a big misunderstanding here.
Well, that's what I told the store owners.
Uh, they're willing to drop charges.
Oh, well, that's great.
Wonderful.
The only thing, major, they won't take the merchandise back.
You'll have to buy it.
Well, that's perfectly all right.
How much do I owe? Two thousand dollars.
Two thousand dollars.
Look at For all this junk.
Uh Six suits, $900.
Twenty sweaters, $400.
Ten pair of shoes, $450.
Well, I bought all these things for you.
Mrs.
Bellows was going shopping for her husband, and so I wanted to get some things for you.
I I simply cannot afford all this.
Oh, but that is the lovely part about it.
You do not have to pay for it.
It is charged.
I think I better explain to you about a charge account.
You see, when you charge something, you don't have to pay for it today.
Well, that is what I said.
You have to pay for it tomorrow.
Oh.
Yeah, it's gonna take me a year to pay for all this junk.
Well, I-I just wanted you to have some nice things.
Oh, I appreciate that.
I like nice things too, darling.
I-I'd like a Rolls-Royce, but I simply cannot afford it.
We're gonna have to live on what I make.
Hey, would you mind pulling over to the side? I'm trying to get through.
Wow.
Look at this.
A Rolls-Royce! What a clever idea.
It clashes with the couch, but I like it.
Jeannie, would you get rid of this, please? Don't Don't Don't.
Oh! Oh, master! You okay? Are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm fine.
Oh, I'm so sorry, my darling.
I'm glad you're all right.
Hey, would you like to see a movie tonight? My girl and I are gonna see a horror movie.
The Monster That Stepped on Cincinnati.
Yes! I will go get my coat We can't afford it.
Can't afford it? You kidding? You can't afford? Look at this, tennis rackets.
It looks like you just bought out the stores.
What do you mean, you can't afford it? Good night, Roge.
Good night? Well, I don't suppose you'll let me take the Rolls-Royce? Can I drive it into the kitchen? The bathroom? Just [SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY.]
Yeah, well, uh, nice talking to you.
See you later.
Yeah, later.
[.]
Would, uh, you like to play chess o-or w-watch television, or? No.
We're gonna make out a budget.
A budget? Yes, a budget.
We're gonna figure out how much clothes cost, how much, uh, food, uh, electricity, house payments, medical insurance, and you're gonna stick to that budget.
Oh, but, master, I could blink all those things No, I don't want you to blink anything ever again.
I want you to sit right down here.
You are my wife, and you're gonna have to learn to live on my salary, starting right now, you understand? Yes, master.
Okay.
Now, ahem, I'd like a pen and some paper, please.
Oh, I did it again, didn't I? All right.
Ahem.
Food.
Oh, uh, excuse us, gentlemen.
This is Major Gregorian.
Major Healey.
How are you, sir? [SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN.]
Major Nelson.
It's a pleasure to meet you.
[HEAVY ACCENT.]
This for me is great honor.
Uh, Major Healey is gonna show you around some of the cultural exhibits in Cocoa Beach.
Uh, look, if we, uh, get through early, there's a couple of friends I'd like you to meet.
I look forward.
Uh, and you're dining with, uh, Major Nelson and his charming wife this evening.
It's a pleasure.
That is most kind.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, they're waiting to show us around the base.
Gentlemen.
Uh, shall we go? I am ready.
Oh, sir, while you're here, what would you rather see, blonds or brunettes? Uh, Major Healey.
Uh, this way, major.
How about a short, bald girl? Roger.
Jeannie, we're home.
Go on in, major.
[.]
[SPEAKS IN GIBBERISH.]
You? You live here a-alone? Well, not exactly.
Jeannie and I live here.
One family in In so big a house! Yeah, that's right.
They will never believe me.
Good evening, Anthony.
Hello, darling.
Uh, this is Major Gregorian.
This is my wife, Jeannie.
Oh, I am very pleased to meet you.
It is my great pleasure.
Your husband has told me everything about you.
No, not everything.
Oh! Oh, Anthony, you're going to be so proud of me.
I'm always proud of you, darling.
Wait till you see my surprise! Good, good.
[.]
Amazing.
I-it has springs.
Yes.
They give you all this? Oh, no.
I buy it.
You must be millionaire.
Oh, no.
This is a, um, average American house, I guess.
Wouldn't you say? Incredible.
Darling, I don't want to rush things, but Dr.
Bellows is gonna come over and pick up Major Gregorian around 8:00.
Um, could we have dinner? Oh, I-it is ready, Anthony.
Oh, good.
This way, please.
Uh, Jeannie's really an awfully good cook.
Please sit down and I will bring it right in.
You sit there, dear.
Thank you.
Could I tell you something in confidence, Comrade Nelson? Oh, certainly.
In Russia, we do not live like this.
I have heard a great deal about American prosperity, but I never believed it.
You You live like czar, I-if you will excuse the expression.
Here we are.
[.]
[JEANNIE HUMMING.]
There.
Did you make these hors d'oeuvres yourself? Oh, those are not hors d'oeuvres, darling.
That is your dinner.
Uh, we're on a diet around here to keep the old weight down, you know.
I see.
Dig in.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[.]
Break bread.
Tsk.
You should not bolt your food like that.
It is not healthy.
Dessert.
And you shall have the largest piece, because you are the guest.
[CHUCKLING.]
Well, certainly aren't gonna put any weight on tonight, are we? Jeannie has this fetish about diets.
Talks about diets all the time.
Ahem.
Do you know how much this dinner cost? Mmm? Forty-nine cents.
That much.
And that is because the bread only cost, uh, 5 cents.
It was three days old.
It is stale.
You mean, you eat like this all the time? Ah, we shall from now on.
[CHUCKLING.]
No, we won't.
I can explain.
See, one of the reasons [DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh, excuse me.
I will get it.
Will you? Yes.
Now I see how you can pay for car and house.
You go without food! [CHUCKLING.]
Oh, no, no.
Uh, this is just Jeannie's idea of a little joke.
We had a steak last night, uh, that you wouldn't believe.
You are right, I would not believe it.
Heh-heh-heh.
Please.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[.]
Hey, wow, man, really, that's beautiful.
Um, uh, pardon me, uh, who are you? Didn't your wife tell you? We're your new boarders.
[COUGHING.]
I-I'm sorry.
Uh, you You're our new boarders? Now I begin to understand.
Well, I wish you'd explain it to me because I really don't.
JEANNIE: Well, this is the surprise I was telling you about.
Hey, man, this is a very together pad you've got here.
We're really gonna groove.
I'm afraid you're gonna have to groove someplace else, Mr Oh, Dick.
Dick Leary, and this is Joan.
Uh, Mr.
and Mrs.
Leary, there's been some kind of mistake.
You see, this is a private home.
Don't apologize.
That's just what we want.
A people-to-people relationship.
Dig? Dig.
Dig.
Dig Uh, Jeannie, how did you? How did? Well, you see, I was out shopping and I ran into them, and they were looking for a place to live and they are going to pay us $30 a week.
Thirty dollars! In Russia, we do not do that.
DICK: Hey, man, are you a Russian man? Da.
Far out.
Uh, da.
Uh, Jeannie, could I speak to you for a moment please? Oh, certainly, Anthony, uh, as soon as I show Mr.
And Mrs.
Leary to their rooms.
This way, please.
Show them to their room To their rooms? Comrade, if you need any rubles No, no, I don't need any rubles.
Then, if you will excuse me, I will go out and get some dinner.
[.]
Major Gregorian thinks I'm a pauper.
Oh! Why, that is terrible, master.
Whatever in the world gave him that idea? You know what I will do? I will blink this whole house into a palace of Darling, I don't want Shh! I don't want you to do anything.
Just get rid of those people, please.
Oh, I cannot do that, master.
They have nowhere else to go.
Besides, do you know how much $30 a week will buy? Ten steaks, eight loaves of bread and Darling, please.
Oh.
I love it when you call me "darling.
" I just melt.
[CHUCKLES.]
What was it you wanted to tell me? Get those people out by Friday.
Yes, darling.
I will go fix your breakfast.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Uh, could I? Do I have a clean shirt? Oh, yes.
Yes, dear.
In the bottom drawer.
Oh, thanks.
I washed them myself.
Mm-hm.
Heh-heh.
By the end of the year, we will have saved $38.
42.
Oh Including tax! Oh, good morning.
Peace.
Did you sleep well? Like, heavenly.
Jeannie, could you help me find another shirt, please? Oh Oh, darling.
Excuse us.
[.]
For you.
For you.
And one for you.
And it only cost Uh, Jeannie Hey, man, I know what you're gonna say, but it's the food of the gurus and it's very cool, believe me.
Oh, master, I am so excited.
I have figured out that if we have rice for breakfast every morning, at the end of 10 years, I shall have saved $4621.
39.
Including tax.
Mm-hm.
Is that not wonderful? Oh, it's wonderful, but I don't think you understand Oh, I want to be the best wife for you, so you will be proud of me.
I am proud of you.
Mm-hm.
But I don't like rice.
Oh, well, why did you not tell me? Tomorrow morning for breakfast we shall have spaghetti.
Oh, good.
You sold my car.
Mm-hm.
[CHUCKLES.]
[WHIMPERS.]
Oh, Major Nelson.
Yes? Uh, may I speak to you for a moment? Oh, yes, sir.
Uh, major, I just had the most incredible conversation with Major Gregorian.
Oh? He told me that dinner at your house last night consisted of half a TV dinner and half an apple.
Now, is that any way to treat a VIP guest? Tony, I'm surprised at you.
Cheap, cheap, cheap.
Uh, well, it was a little misunderstanding, sir.
A little misunderstanding? Major Gregorian is under the impression that all our astronauts are on relief and the entire space program is foundering because of lack of funds.
You shouldn't have given him that impression.
Oh, major, tell me.
Uh, I know this is personal, but, uh, are you having any, uh, unusual financial problems? Oh, no, no, nothing like that.
Uh, good, then, uh, I'm going to give you another chance to redeem yourself.
I've arranged for a For a party to be thrown tomorrow night in Major Gregorian's honor.
Oh, great.
A lovely gesture.
Listen, I'll bring the girls.
Maybe we can get a brunette.
Major Healey, I've already made out the guest list, all VIPs.
I want this to be a party that Major Gregorian will go back home and talk about.
Well, I'll certainly do everything in my power to help, sir.
I'm counting on that, Major Nelson.
It's going to be at your home.
[CHUCKLING.]
My home.
[SIGHS.]
Ahem.
Oh, uh, Jeannie? Did you call, master? [GASPS.]
Yes, darling, uh, we're giving a party.
Oh, a party! That Oh, that is terrible.
Why, don't you like parties? Certainly, master, I love them, but they are no longer on my budget.
In three days In three days I'm gonna be out of a job.
Now, we are going to give this party, Jeannie.
Do they like rice? [CHUCKLING.]
No, no.
Oh, by the way, NASA is paying for all this.
Oh, master, why did you not say so? That is different.
Oh, I will prepare you a feast fit for a sultan.
[CHUCKLING.]
That's my girl.
Certainly, master.
Oh, by the way, would you ask the Learys to stay up in their room during the party? Oh, yes, master.
Good, good.
JEANNIE [OVER PHONE.]
: Goodbye, master.
Uh, goodbye, Jeannie.
Uh, uh, are you sure you would not like to stop at a restaurant before dinner? No, I I really have a surprise for you.
[.]
Gee, all the lights are out.
That's very observant of you, major.
I never would have noticed.
Jeannie! Good evening, Anthony, darling.
Hello, darling.
Dr.
Bellows.
Uh, good evening, Jeannie.
Major Gregorian.
Major Gregorian, Roger.
What happened to the lights, darling? Oh, you will be so pleased with me.
I suddenly realized that NASA does not pay for the electricity bill Mmm.
Good evening, darling.
Fuse blew.
[TONY LAUGHS.]
You didn't pay the bill, huh? Mm! And in one year, we will have saved $382.
39.
BELLOWS: Major Nelson, will you please get these lights on? Our guests are gonna be arriving in a few minutes.
Uh, the The men are working on it right now.
Light some more candles.
Hm? Light some more candles! Oh.
Heh.
[.]
This is the most incredible thing I've ever seen.
How did you do that? Sir? He He He He asked how you did that.
Oh, uh, thanks, Roge.
It's an experimental simultaneous-illumination- candle-power project Roger and I are working on.
Wh-wh-what'd you say we're working on? It's an experimental simultaneous-illumination Roger! I'd say it's rather romantic, by candlelight.
Yes.
Very nice.
Uh, Mrs.
Nelson, may I wash my hands? No.
Why not? Oh, because we have no water.
In one year, we will have saved $50 Mmm.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
I like that.
Yeah.
Ha-ha-ha.
What kind of a neighborhood is this? Well, it's just an average neighborhood without any water or electricity.
Major Nelson, I didn't tell you how important this evening is To you, I mean.
I know, I know, sir.
I know.
I expect this party to be memorable.
It will, sir.
I promise.
[KNOCK AT DOOR.]
I'll get it, doctor.
Hmm.
Yes? Like, uh, your doorbell doesn't ring.
Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
I think you got the wrong house.
Hey, man, isn't this, uh, Dick and Joan's pad? No, uh, no, this is not Dick and Joan's pad.
This is DICK: Hey, man! Glad you could come.
What's happening? TONY: This is a private party.
Major Nelson, would you mind telling me what's going on here? Who are these people? Oh, they are friends of our boarders.
Boarders? You take in boarders? DICK: Hey, it's the Russian.
Hey, I thought you split.
Split? BELLOWS: Uh, b-but, Major Nelson, don't you understand? There are senators, this-this-there are admirals, and all kinds of generals coming in any minute.
Darn! Why did we leave our petition at home? [BAND PLAYING ROCK MUSIC.]
TONY: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Uh, fellas, uh, there's been a mistake here.
This really is a private party.
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE.]
But, miss, you don't understand! This is all a mistake! This is a farewell party for Major Gregorian.
He leaves tomorrow! [MUSIC STOPS.]
Oh, why didn't you say so? Let's play him a little Russian music.
MAN: Good idea, yeah.
[BAND PLAYING RUSSIAN MUSIC.]
Whoo! Hey, look who's here! Hey, what a great party! Gentlemen.
How are you? All right.
Do svidaniya! Goodbye! Goodbye! [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
JEANNIE: It was so much fun! Thank you, come again.
Goodbye.
Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.
That party really swung! Major Healey, I'm afraid that's not all that's gonna swing.
Sir, I want you to know I warned you, Major Nelson! Do you rea when you brought those hippies in here? I can answer that! You gave me greatest party of my whole life! Russian music, Russian dancing, hospitality like in my country.
But they're hippies.
Is open house, everybody welcome! I shall never forget this night.
Neither will I.
Of course! That's the way we planned it.
Russian music, Russian folk songs, dancing, candlelight! We just wanted you to feel at home.
Yes, it was a lovely party, was it not? Mm-hm.
You are great hostess.
Oh, and it only cost $73 Well, we have to be running along now.
I'll talk to you in the morning, major.
Oh, I'll drop you off on the way to the hotel.
Oh, Dr.
Bellows, this is for you.
Why, Jeannie, it's not often that I receive a love letter from a beautiful girl.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Yes, um Wait! Gregorian! Gregorian! Oh, oh, great party, great party.
Gregorian, I got I got the girl.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Was it not nice? They all enjoyed themselves so.
What was in the letter? Oh.
Oh, that was the bill for NASA.
I only charged them for the food.
I did not charge them for the [.]
I've just gotten word that Major Gregorian, the Russian cosmonaut, has been invited to visit NASA.
Naturally, we're going to extend him the courtesy of the base.
It'll be interesting to exchange views with him, don't you think? Yeah, I'd like to ask him about that, uh, female cosmonaut.
TONY: There you are.
Thank you.
[RINGS.]
Nelson's corridor.
[CHUCKLES.]
I I Listen, I told you never to call me here.
Oh, I am sorry, master.
I thought it was important, or I would not have Well, I'm sure it's important, but couldn't it wait? Well, I-if that is what you wish, master.
Yes, that is what I wish.
Uh, perhaps you could stop by and pick me up on your way home? Okay, where are you? In the Cocoa Beach jail.
[.]
[LINE CLICKS.]
[.]
[.]
[.]
Roger, give me the car to your keys.
The car to my keys? The keys to your car.
You know what I mean.
Where are you going? We have an important matter to discuss.
Uh, sir, there's a little emergency's come up.
Oh, did something happen to Jeannie? Uh, no, no, she's in a In what, major? Uh, kind of a panic.
The, uh The plumbing broke.
There's water all over the place.
You call the plumber? Mmm, mmm.
Well, of course she should call the plumber.
Doesn't she know that wives don't bother their husbands with trivial matters, particularly when we're in the middle of an important conference? Sir, it'll take me a minute to bail her out Bail the water out.
Oh, nonsense, major.
Now, she's got to begin to learn to cope with these things.
Yes, sir.
Yes, sir.
Come on, will ya? For heaven's sakes, will you kindly sit down? You're making me nervous.
Me too.
All this over a little plumbing job? Oh, all right.
Exactly.
Exactly.
Now, as I was saying, before you, uh, disappeared Sorry.
Major Gregorian will be given the courtesy of the base.
Oh, Major Healey, since you're a bachelor, you've been selected to show Major Gregorian around Cocoa Beach.
Well, I hope he has a strong constitution.
You will conduct him on a tour of the, uh, museum, the library, and the public school system.
I hope I have a strong constitution.
Uh, uh, sir, I really have to Uh, sit down, major.
Oh.
Since you're a married man, you've been selected to entertain Major Gregorian in your home.
Me? We're going to give an elaborate party for Major Gregorian on Saturday night, but first I thought, well, um I'd like him to see how the, uh, typical American couple lives.
Well, you certainly picked the right couple.
TONY: Fine.
When did you say he's arriving, sir? BELLOWS: Tomorrow morning.
I thought perhaps that, uh, he could have dinner with you tomorrow night.
Uh, that is if, uh, Jeannie will have sufficient time.
She might be kinda tied up.
[.]
She, uh She took this, huh? That's right, major.
She went around to every store in Cocoa Beach, saw what she wanted and walked away with it.
That is not true.
I charged it.
Hm.
Sure she charged it.
Only she doesn't have any charge accounts.
Hm.
Did I do something wrong? Uh, yes, I'm afraid so, Jeannie.
Um, she doesn't really understand very much about charge accounts, you see.
Where is she from, the moon? Oh, no, I'm from Babylon.
Uh, there's been a big misunderstanding here.
Well, that's what I told the store owners.
Uh, they're willing to drop charges.
Oh, well, that's great.
Wonderful.
The only thing, major, they won't take the merchandise back.
You'll have to buy it.
Well, that's perfectly all right.
How much do I owe? Two thousand dollars.
Two thousand dollars.
Look at For all this junk.
Uh Six suits, $900.
Twenty sweaters, $400.
Ten pair of shoes, $450.
Well, I bought all these things for you.
Mrs.
Bellows was going shopping for her husband, and so I wanted to get some things for you.
I I simply cannot afford all this.
Oh, but that is the lovely part about it.
You do not have to pay for it.
It is charged.
I think I better explain to you about a charge account.
You see, when you charge something, you don't have to pay for it today.
Well, that is what I said.
You have to pay for it tomorrow.
Oh.
Yeah, it's gonna take me a year to pay for all this junk.
Well, I-I just wanted you to have some nice things.
Oh, I appreciate that.
I like nice things too, darling.
I-I'd like a Rolls-Royce, but I simply cannot afford it.
We're gonna have to live on what I make.
Hey, would you mind pulling over to the side? I'm trying to get through.
Wow.
Look at this.
A Rolls-Royce! What a clever idea.
It clashes with the couch, but I like it.
Jeannie, would you get rid of this, please? Don't Don't Don't.
Oh! Oh, master! You okay? Are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm fine.
Oh, I'm so sorry, my darling.
I'm glad you're all right.
Hey, would you like to see a movie tonight? My girl and I are gonna see a horror movie.
The Monster That Stepped on Cincinnati.
Yes! I will go get my coat We can't afford it.
Can't afford it? You kidding? You can't afford? Look at this, tennis rackets.
It looks like you just bought out the stores.
What do you mean, you can't afford it? Good night, Roge.
Good night? Well, I don't suppose you'll let me take the Rolls-Royce? Can I drive it into the kitchen? The bathroom? Just [SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY.]
Yeah, well, uh, nice talking to you.
See you later.
Yeah, later.
[.]
Would, uh, you like to play chess o-or w-watch television, or? No.
We're gonna make out a budget.
A budget? Yes, a budget.
We're gonna figure out how much clothes cost, how much, uh, food, uh, electricity, house payments, medical insurance, and you're gonna stick to that budget.
Oh, but, master, I could blink all those things No, I don't want you to blink anything ever again.
I want you to sit right down here.
You are my wife, and you're gonna have to learn to live on my salary, starting right now, you understand? Yes, master.
Okay.
Now, ahem, I'd like a pen and some paper, please.
Oh, I did it again, didn't I? All right.
Ahem.
Food.
Oh, uh, excuse us, gentlemen.
This is Major Gregorian.
Major Healey.
How are you, sir? [SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN.]
Major Nelson.
It's a pleasure to meet you.
[HEAVY ACCENT.]
This for me is great honor.
Uh, Major Healey is gonna show you around some of the cultural exhibits in Cocoa Beach.
Uh, look, if we, uh, get through early, there's a couple of friends I'd like you to meet.
I look forward.
Uh, and you're dining with, uh, Major Nelson and his charming wife this evening.
It's a pleasure.
That is most kind.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, they're waiting to show us around the base.
Gentlemen.
Uh, shall we go? I am ready.
Oh, sir, while you're here, what would you rather see, blonds or brunettes? Uh, Major Healey.
Uh, this way, major.
How about a short, bald girl? Roger.
Jeannie, we're home.
Go on in, major.
[.]
[SPEAKS IN GIBBERISH.]
You? You live here a-alone? Well, not exactly.
Jeannie and I live here.
One family in In so big a house! Yeah, that's right.
They will never believe me.
Good evening, Anthony.
Hello, darling.
Uh, this is Major Gregorian.
This is my wife, Jeannie.
Oh, I am very pleased to meet you.
It is my great pleasure.
Your husband has told me everything about you.
No, not everything.
Oh! Oh, Anthony, you're going to be so proud of me.
I'm always proud of you, darling.
Wait till you see my surprise! Good, good.
[.]
Amazing.
I-it has springs.
Yes.
They give you all this? Oh, no.
I buy it.
You must be millionaire.
Oh, no.
This is a, um, average American house, I guess.
Wouldn't you say? Incredible.
Darling, I don't want to rush things, but Dr.
Bellows is gonna come over and pick up Major Gregorian around 8:00.
Um, could we have dinner? Oh, I-it is ready, Anthony.
Oh, good.
This way, please.
Uh, Jeannie's really an awfully good cook.
Please sit down and I will bring it right in.
You sit there, dear.
Thank you.
Could I tell you something in confidence, Comrade Nelson? Oh, certainly.
In Russia, we do not live like this.
I have heard a great deal about American prosperity, but I never believed it.
You You live like czar, I-if you will excuse the expression.
Here we are.
[.]
[JEANNIE HUMMING.]
There.
Did you make these hors d'oeuvres yourself? Oh, those are not hors d'oeuvres, darling.
That is your dinner.
Uh, we're on a diet around here to keep the old weight down, you know.
I see.
Dig in.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[.]
Break bread.
Tsk.
You should not bolt your food like that.
It is not healthy.
Dessert.
And you shall have the largest piece, because you are the guest.
[CHUCKLING.]
Well, certainly aren't gonna put any weight on tonight, are we? Jeannie has this fetish about diets.
Talks about diets all the time.
Ahem.
Do you know how much this dinner cost? Mmm? Forty-nine cents.
That much.
And that is because the bread only cost, uh, 5 cents.
It was three days old.
It is stale.
You mean, you eat like this all the time? Ah, we shall from now on.
[CHUCKLING.]
No, we won't.
I can explain.
See, one of the reasons [DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh, excuse me.
I will get it.
Will you? Yes.
Now I see how you can pay for car and house.
You go without food! [CHUCKLING.]
Oh, no, no.
Uh, this is just Jeannie's idea of a little joke.
We had a steak last night, uh, that you wouldn't believe.
You are right, I would not believe it.
Heh-heh-heh.
Please.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[.]
Hey, wow, man, really, that's beautiful.
Um, uh, pardon me, uh, who are you? Didn't your wife tell you? We're your new boarders.
[COUGHING.]
I-I'm sorry.
Uh, you You're our new boarders? Now I begin to understand.
Well, I wish you'd explain it to me because I really don't.
JEANNIE: Well, this is the surprise I was telling you about.
Hey, man, this is a very together pad you've got here.
We're really gonna groove.
I'm afraid you're gonna have to groove someplace else, Mr Oh, Dick.
Dick Leary, and this is Joan.
Uh, Mr.
and Mrs.
Leary, there's been some kind of mistake.
You see, this is a private home.
Don't apologize.
That's just what we want.
A people-to-people relationship.
Dig? Dig.
Dig.
Dig Uh, Jeannie, how did you? How did? Well, you see, I was out shopping and I ran into them, and they were looking for a place to live and they are going to pay us $30 a week.
Thirty dollars! In Russia, we do not do that.
DICK: Hey, man, are you a Russian man? Da.
Far out.
Uh, da.
Uh, Jeannie, could I speak to you for a moment please? Oh, certainly, Anthony, uh, as soon as I show Mr.
And Mrs.
Leary to their rooms.
This way, please.
Show them to their room To their rooms? Comrade, if you need any rubles No, no, I don't need any rubles.
Then, if you will excuse me, I will go out and get some dinner.
[.]
Major Gregorian thinks I'm a pauper.
Oh! Why, that is terrible, master.
Whatever in the world gave him that idea? You know what I will do? I will blink this whole house into a palace of Darling, I don't want Shh! I don't want you to do anything.
Just get rid of those people, please.
Oh, I cannot do that, master.
They have nowhere else to go.
Besides, do you know how much $30 a week will buy? Ten steaks, eight loaves of bread and Darling, please.
Oh.
I love it when you call me "darling.
" I just melt.
[CHUCKLES.]
What was it you wanted to tell me? Get those people out by Friday.
Yes, darling.
I will go fix your breakfast.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Uh, could I? Do I have a clean shirt? Oh, yes.
Yes, dear.
In the bottom drawer.
Oh, thanks.
I washed them myself.
Mm-hm.
Heh-heh.
By the end of the year, we will have saved $38.
42.
Oh Including tax! Oh, good morning.
Peace.
Did you sleep well? Like, heavenly.
Jeannie, could you help me find another shirt, please? Oh Oh, darling.
Excuse us.
[.]
For you.
For you.
And one for you.
And it only cost Uh, Jeannie Hey, man, I know what you're gonna say, but it's the food of the gurus and it's very cool, believe me.
Oh, master, I am so excited.
I have figured out that if we have rice for breakfast every morning, at the end of 10 years, I shall have saved $4621.
39.
Including tax.
Mm-hm.
Is that not wonderful? Oh, it's wonderful, but I don't think you understand Oh, I want to be the best wife for you, so you will be proud of me.
I am proud of you.
Mm-hm.
But I don't like rice.
Oh, well, why did you not tell me? Tomorrow morning for breakfast we shall have spaghetti.
Oh, good.
You sold my car.
Mm-hm.
[CHUCKLES.]
[WHIMPERS.]
Oh, Major Nelson.
Yes? Uh, may I speak to you for a moment? Oh, yes, sir.
Uh, major, I just had the most incredible conversation with Major Gregorian.
Oh? He told me that dinner at your house last night consisted of half a TV dinner and half an apple.
Now, is that any way to treat a VIP guest? Tony, I'm surprised at you.
Cheap, cheap, cheap.
Uh, well, it was a little misunderstanding, sir.
A little misunderstanding? Major Gregorian is under the impression that all our astronauts are on relief and the entire space program is foundering because of lack of funds.
You shouldn't have given him that impression.
Oh, major, tell me.
Uh, I know this is personal, but, uh, are you having any, uh, unusual financial problems? Oh, no, no, nothing like that.
Uh, good, then, uh, I'm going to give you another chance to redeem yourself.
I've arranged for a For a party to be thrown tomorrow night in Major Gregorian's honor.
Oh, great.
A lovely gesture.
Listen, I'll bring the girls.
Maybe we can get a brunette.
Major Healey, I've already made out the guest list, all VIPs.
I want this to be a party that Major Gregorian will go back home and talk about.
Well, I'll certainly do everything in my power to help, sir.
I'm counting on that, Major Nelson.
It's going to be at your home.
[CHUCKLING.]
My home.
[SIGHS.]
Ahem.
Oh, uh, Jeannie? Did you call, master? [GASPS.]
Yes, darling, uh, we're giving a party.
Oh, a party! That Oh, that is terrible.
Why, don't you like parties? Certainly, master, I love them, but they are no longer on my budget.
In three days In three days I'm gonna be out of a job.
Now, we are going to give this party, Jeannie.
Do they like rice? [CHUCKLING.]
No, no.
Oh, by the way, NASA is paying for all this.
Oh, master, why did you not say so? That is different.
Oh, I will prepare you a feast fit for a sultan.
[CHUCKLING.]
That's my girl.
Certainly, master.
Oh, by the way, would you ask the Learys to stay up in their room during the party? Oh, yes, master.
Good, good.
JEANNIE [OVER PHONE.]
: Goodbye, master.
Uh, goodbye, Jeannie.
Uh, uh, are you sure you would not like to stop at a restaurant before dinner? No, I I really have a surprise for you.
[.]
Gee, all the lights are out.
That's very observant of you, major.
I never would have noticed.
Jeannie! Good evening, Anthony, darling.
Hello, darling.
Dr.
Bellows.
Uh, good evening, Jeannie.
Major Gregorian.
Major Gregorian, Roger.
What happened to the lights, darling? Oh, you will be so pleased with me.
I suddenly realized that NASA does not pay for the electricity bill Mmm.
Good evening, darling.
Fuse blew.
[TONY LAUGHS.]
You didn't pay the bill, huh? Mm! And in one year, we will have saved $382.
39.
BELLOWS: Major Nelson, will you please get these lights on? Our guests are gonna be arriving in a few minutes.
Uh, the The men are working on it right now.
Light some more candles.
Hm? Light some more candles! Oh.
Heh.
[.]
This is the most incredible thing I've ever seen.
How did you do that? Sir? He He He He asked how you did that.
Oh, uh, thanks, Roge.
It's an experimental simultaneous-illumination- candle-power project Roger and I are working on.
Wh-wh-what'd you say we're working on? It's an experimental simultaneous-illumination Roger! I'd say it's rather romantic, by candlelight.
Yes.
Very nice.
Uh, Mrs.
Nelson, may I wash my hands? No.
Why not? Oh, because we have no water.
In one year, we will have saved $50 Mmm.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
I like that.
Yeah.
Ha-ha-ha.
What kind of a neighborhood is this? Well, it's just an average neighborhood without any water or electricity.
Major Nelson, I didn't tell you how important this evening is To you, I mean.
I know, I know, sir.
I know.
I expect this party to be memorable.
It will, sir.
I promise.
[KNOCK AT DOOR.]
I'll get it, doctor.
Hmm.
Yes? Like, uh, your doorbell doesn't ring.
Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
I think you got the wrong house.
Hey, man, isn't this, uh, Dick and Joan's pad? No, uh, no, this is not Dick and Joan's pad.
This is DICK: Hey, man! Glad you could come.
What's happening? TONY: This is a private party.
Major Nelson, would you mind telling me what's going on here? Who are these people? Oh, they are friends of our boarders.
Boarders? You take in boarders? DICK: Hey, it's the Russian.
Hey, I thought you split.
Split? BELLOWS: Uh, b-but, Major Nelson, don't you understand? There are senators, this-this-there are admirals, and all kinds of generals coming in any minute.
Darn! Why did we leave our petition at home? [BAND PLAYING ROCK MUSIC.]
TONY: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Uh, fellas, uh, there's been a mistake here.
This really is a private party.
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE.]
But, miss, you don't understand! This is all a mistake! This is a farewell party for Major Gregorian.
He leaves tomorrow! [MUSIC STOPS.]
Oh, why didn't you say so? Let's play him a little Russian music.
MAN: Good idea, yeah.
[BAND PLAYING RUSSIAN MUSIC.]
Whoo! Hey, look who's here! Hey, what a great party! Gentlemen.
How are you? All right.
Do svidaniya! Goodbye! Goodbye! [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
JEANNIE: It was so much fun! Thank you, come again.
Goodbye.
Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.
That party really swung! Major Healey, I'm afraid that's not all that's gonna swing.
Sir, I want you to know I warned you, Major Nelson! Do you rea when you brought those hippies in here? I can answer that! You gave me greatest party of my whole life! Russian music, Russian dancing, hospitality like in my country.
But they're hippies.
Is open house, everybody welcome! I shall never forget this night.
Neither will I.
Of course! That's the way we planned it.
Russian music, Russian folk songs, dancing, candlelight! We just wanted you to feel at home.
Yes, it was a lovely party, was it not? Mm-hm.
You are great hostess.
Oh, and it only cost $73 Well, we have to be running along now.
I'll talk to you in the morning, major.
Oh, I'll drop you off on the way to the hotel.
Oh, Dr.
Bellows, this is for you.
Why, Jeannie, it's not often that I receive a love letter from a beautiful girl.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Yes, um Wait! Gregorian! Gregorian! Oh, oh, great party, great party.
Gregorian, I got I got the girl.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Was it not nice? They all enjoyed themselves so.
What was in the letter? Oh.
Oh, that was the bill for NASA.
I only charged them for the food.
I did not charge them for the [.]