I Dream of Jeannie (1965) s05e26 Episode Script
My Master, the Chili King
[.]
Oh, uh, hi, did you lose something? Yeah.
Sure did.
Let me give you a hand.
What are we looking for anyway? Well, that's That's darn neighborly of you.
It's my dad blamed ring.
Your ring, huh? Yeah.
Uh, I looked in the buggy here and, uh The buggy? Yeah.
My car here.
But, uh, I reckon I dropped it out here someplace.
Hey, wait a minute.
Yeah.
Don't I recognize you from someplace? Well, I work here at NASA.
You probably saw me around here.
Oh, well, I got some kinfolk working here at NASA.
Really? Yeah.
Well, what do you know? What? Wait a minute.
What? That reflection right there.
Wait a minute.
There it is.
Why, there it is.
Ha-ha.
How about that, huh? Ain't that a beauty? Yeah.
That's a pretty ring, all right.
That is the only square sapphire east of the Mississippi.
Square sapphire? Mm-hm.
But it don't go on my finger right.
Oh.
See what I mean? Too bad.
I'm glad you found it anyway.
Well, I-I'll tell you what.
Well, I certainly do declare.
Lovely lifeline.
Let me try something here.
What are you doing? I'm trying it on your finger, see if it fits.
Wait a minute.
Now Now, is that the way it should look? Yeah.
That That does look kind of nice.
Since you're one of our boys in uniform, you give me 35 and we'll call it square.
Thirty-five dollars? Mm-hm.
Thirty-five dollars.
Yeah, $35.
Here you are.
I thank you.
Keep up the good work, lieutenant.
I'll see you soon.
Thirty-five hundred dollar ring, huh? Oh.
Oh, this time I did it.
Oh-ho-ho.
[MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY.]
JEANNIE: Ooh-hoo, Major Healey, hello.
Hi, Jeannie.
Uh, how do you like my new ring, huh? Oh.
Well, I-it is beautiful.
Heh.
I, uh, have never seen one quite like it.
Yeah.
Well, it's a square sapphire.
It's the only one east of the Mississippi.
[SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE.]
W-what? Uh, w-wear it in good health.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Nice talking to you.
Mm-hm.
Bye-bye.
Heh.
[.]
[MAN SIGHS.]
Excuse me, sir.
May I assist you? Well, heh Well, that's right neighborly of you, ma'am.
It's just my goll dang diamond cuff link.
Heh.
Ooh, a diamond cuff link.
It must be quite valuable.
Yes.
And [STAMMERS.]
Jeannie Nelson? Excuse me, ma'am, but are you any relation to Major Anthony Nelson? Oh, no.
No.
He is my husband.
Your husband.
Well, I'll be horsewhipped.
I I'm Arvel, his cousin.
[.]
[.]
[.]
Square sapphire? Yeah.
But it's the only one east of the Mississippi.
Remember that.
Does it have a magic decoder? Ah, don't be funny.
This is a very expensive ring.
You know, for secret messages from Dick Tracy and all that? You kidding? Know how much I paid for it? How much? It's a $3500 ring.
You know how much I paid for it? I paid $35.
That's clever.
You're lucky the guy wasn't selling the Brooklyn Bridge.
Course my partners, being shrewd businessmen, won't let anybody else in.
But I said to them, I 'told 'em, I said: "Friends, if a man can't let his own flesh and blood "share in his good fortune, why he just ain't much of a man.
" Well, that is very generous of you, Cousin Arvel.
Well, I did what I could.
But you know something, Jeannie, as much as I fought them, they wouldn't let me take in more than $1000.
One thousand dollars.
Well, it's not much, heh, but it's the best I could do.
But, Jeannie, it won't always be $1000.
No.
It'll be a-building and a-building.
And some day, why when When Cousin Tony won't be as young as he is, he'll be too old to fly them moon rockets, and all he'll have is that pension to look forward to, why there it'll be, the greatest gift of them all.
Gift? W-what kind of gift? Financial security.
Oh.
Financial security? Mm-hm.
Do you really think Anthony would like that? Jeannie, Jeannie.
Heh-heh.
Why does a heifer like salt, hm? Jeannie, when a man has security, why he's like a rattler a-sunnin' hisself on a flat rock, not a care in the world.
Then I shall buy it for him.
Hm-hm.
Yes.
He'd be like a Hm? I will not be but a moment.
Please do not go away.
Heh.
[.]
Well, Cousin Tony not only married purty, he married rich.
Hm-hm.
[.]
Now, there's two possibilities: Either she's really loaded or she's plumb loco.
And if she's loco [DOOR OPENS.]
Heh.
Here you are, Cousin Arvel.
I hope you do not mind gold.
I-if you do, I I can get you bills.
Oh, I have some more.
One moment please.
[CHUCKLES.]
She's rich, and she's loco.
Gentleman, would you bring those over here so we can compare them.
BELLOWS: Here we go.
Excuse me.
Oh, major, that's a very interesting ring.
Thank you, sir.
Actually, that's a genuine It is interesting.
I haven't seen one like it since I used to get them out of cereal boxes.
[ALL LAUGH.]
Takes you back, doesn't it? Does it have a magic decoder? Now, wait a minute.
This happens to be a very expensive ring.
I practically stole this for $35.
Thirty-five dollars? Y-you paid $35 for that? Well I'm afraid you've been taken, major.
I couldn't have, sir.
I met this guy in the lot by accident.
It was a NASA lot too.
What happened to our security? Well, uh, sir, I'm sorry Roger got swindled, but these things happen.
Yeah.
There's a sucker born every minute.
SCHAEFFER: No, you don't understand, gentlemen.
Since the space program has been so much in the public eye, it was only a question of time before con men, swindlers and And phony speculators descended on us.
Oh, general, it's only a worthless ring.
Yeah.
A piece of junk.
SCHAEFFER: Of course, and next comes the phony stock investments, and the influence peddlers, and the promoters trying to get our astronauts to endorse their products.
Right.
We're not allowed to do that, sir.
Exactly, major.
And I don't want to give that a chance to happen.
I want that man caught so that the rest of them will know we're not an easy mark.
Mmm.
Major Healey, we owe you a debt of gratitude for bringing this to our attention.
Well, just doing my job, sir.
Sounds like a snake-oil salesman to me.
I wish he had sold me some snake oil, I could get this ring off my finger.
W-wait a minute.
I think that's his car.
He must be here.
There's somebody in there.
Let's go.
Yeah.
[.]
BOTH: Gotcha! Now that you've got me, what do you plan to do with me? Beans.
Beans, Cousin Jeannie.
Beans.
Hm-hm! Well, they They They smell very good, Cousin Arvel, but B-but you did not have to cook dinner.
Oh, well, I'm not cooking to show off my culinary genius.
I am cooking these beans to show you where your financial security is.
Oh.
Well, I-I I do not understand.
Fried chicken, barbecued spare ribs, fish and chips.
Why, folks have made a fortune out of that stuff.
Well, I got here one of the gone dangest recipes for Texas chili beans that you ever smacked your lips over.
And with your money and my recipe, why, we could make it famous.
Uh, ooh, that is That is what you wanted the money for? For, uh, beans? Come now, little lady, don't you worry your pretty head over that.
Now you just leave the cooking and the business to little ol' Arvel here.
[CHUCKLES.]
Cousin Jeannie Cousin Arvel Oh, excuse me.
Heh.
Ladies first.
Well, uh, p-perhaps it would be a good idea if we did not tell Anthony about this just yet.
I, uh I-I would like to have his financial security be a complete surprise.
You just took the words right out of my mouth.
Oh, good.
Good.
Good.
Ooh, hello, darling.
Hi.
Uh, well, I lit the fire, I got a nice bottle of wine, and if you turn on the music Oh, well, darling, uh, no.
I I'm afraid not.
We We have a guest.
A guest? Who? Cousin Tony.
Lock up the silver.
What? Nothing.
Nothing.
Oh, is this not a pleasant surprise? Cousin Arvel came all the way from Texas just to visit us.
Terrific.
I told you he'd be tickled.
Ha-ha.
And I will show you what a pleasant guest I can be around the house.
I want you to wrap your lips around some of the best Texas chili north of the Pecos.
Ho-ho.
Uh, Arvel, how long are you gonna be here? Try this.
Oh How's that, son? Is it not delicious? Delicious.
What do you think of it? "Cousin Tony's Texas Chili.
" Oh.
Oh, Cousin Arvel.
Why, that That is most generous of you.
Most generous, but But But it is your recipe.
Jeannie, I just want to show my gratitude.
Come here.
I wanna t-tell you something.
Sit here.
Sit down here.
Now, I have decided that we're not only gonna sell our chili from stands, we're gonna can it.
Ha-ho! Before I'm through, Cousin Tony's face will be in every supermarket in the country.
Huh? Oh! Oh, how exciting.
How long will it take? Well, with Tony's endorsement, I reckon I could sign up a canner in about half a minute.
His endorsement? Did you talk to him and ask him? Why, Jeannie, don't you remember? Don't you remember he said it was delicious? Huh? Oh, yes.
If that ain't an endorsement, I don't know what is.
Right? Yes.
Oh, by Before I forget.
Now, not a word of this until we can show him a can with his face on it.
Okay? [.]
Oh.
It just goes to show you how wrong you can be about people.
My master's face in every supermarket.
I can hardly wait.
Oh! [LAUGHS.]
Why should I wait? Whee! [.]
Cocoa Beach Supermarket, NASA cafeteria, Food City.
Aha.
This is the last one.
Let's see.
May I help you find something, ma'am? Oh! Oh.
Heh.
Well, yes, as a matter of fact, you can.
Cousin Tony's Texas Chili.
It is delicious.
Cousin Tony's? I don't think we carry that brand.
Just a moment please.
[GIGGLES.]
Oh, well, never mind.
I found it.
Oh, yes, good.
Good.
[.]
Peculiar.
It isn't here on Pickles and ketchup.
Uh, and, oh, yes, Alfred loves chili.
Cousin Tony's Texas Chili.
Oh, uh, may I see that for a moment, please? Oh, oh, yes, yes.
It's a new item.
It's quite delicious.
Cousin Tony.
Oh Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
Thank you very much.
Oh, this is wonderful.
This is wonderful.
I put my master's face in all the supermarkets and the NASA cafeteria.
Why, I still have a whole case left over.
ARVEL: Cousin Jeannie.
Cousin Jeannie! In here, Cousin Arvel! Yee-hoo! Ah, we done it.
We done it! I just left the distributor, and he told me that he would take all the Cousin Tony Texas Chili that we could deliver.
Oh! Now Now all we gotta do is put that stuff in cans.
Oh.
Oh, well, I-I have already done that.
And And I have even put it in the supermarkets too.
And I thought I was fast.
Cousin Jeannie, you You are a genius.
Oh.
W-what did you charge 'em? Charge 'em? Mm-hm.
Do you mean money? Well, I don't mean rutabagas.
Sure, money.
You You did charge? Oh.
Heh-heh.
Cousin Jeannie, I I-I wanna tell you something.
You see You see, the only way that we're gonna get financial security for Tony is by selling the chili to the markets, see? You see, and if we don't get money for the chili, heh, I mean, that ain't selling, you know.
That's, uh Well, that's criminal.
I-I'm terribly sorry, Cousin Arvel, but I did not understand about that part.
All right, now you Now you take me to all those places where you put 'em, and I'll make the deals, huh? Very well.
Okay.
Cans.
Alfred, is it or isn't it? It couldn't be.
Oh, Alfred, you just amaze me.
You really do.
I mean, now here is a can that says, "Cousin Tony's Texas Chili" on it.
We have Major Nelson in his cute little astronaut suit smiling at us, and you still say it isn't him? But Major Nelson knows that astronauts can't endorse products.
He mentioned it himself.
Oh.
Well, that's nice.
Well, I want to mention one thing too.
If he can endorse chili, you can endorse headache pills.
He's given you enough of them.
It's a joke.
It must be somebody's idea of a joke, that's all.
Well, if it is, major, it's in very poor taste.
Mm.
Do you realize what would happen if Schaeffer got a look at this? Yeah.
We can't have the general looking at that.
No, you don't, major.
This is evidence.
You're not gonna show that to him without giving me a chance to track down who's responsible for it, are you? Of course not, major.
But I'm going to keep it until you do.
Huh? I'm just going to lunch.
Anyone care to join me? I'd love to, sir, but I'm I'm very busy right now.
Uh, yes.
He's very busy.
We'd be delighted to join you for lunch.
In your purse.
My purse? In my purse? Oh, well, he's speaking to me.
I think it's a good idea.
Why don't we go to the cafeteria right now.
It gets so busy this time of day.
Why don't you try the chili.
It's great.
Chili? Yes, it's called Cousin Tony's Texas Chi Oh, Alfred, this is ridiculous.
I have to tell him.
I was shopping in the food mart today, and I found this can with Major Nelson's picture Are you people going to lunch with me or not? Yes, I'm going to lunch wi Y-yes.
I'm going to lunch.
I'm suddenly very hungry for chili.
Well, I I think I'll have seconds, gang.
What's the matter? What's the matter? Shh! I know a shortcut to the cafeteria.
Wait a minute! Wait a minute.
I'm not that hungry.
[.]
TONY: Are you all right? No, I'm not all right.
Wait a minute.
What do you wanna do? I don't want seconds.
Wait.
We're on the second floor.
Oh! You're an astronaut.
[.]
Did you get all of 'em? Yeah, I got all of 'em.
Why couldn't we eat in the cafeteria? It's only 30 cents a bowl and a big bowl.
Because my picture is on the front of it, that's why.
Hey, that does look like you.
Yeah.
Jeannie, Jeannie, I'm home.
Oh, and forget about lunch.
We brought it.
Huh? Jeannie! [SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY.]
Jeannie.
Wait a minute.
What's this? Tony.
Huh? Wait a minute.
I brought two boxes, you brought a box.
Where'd this come from? What? Oh, that does look like you.
Let me see.
What's the matter? Jeannie.
Jeannie.
What? I-I knew she had something to do with this.
And I bet you Cousin Arvel had something to do with it too.
Yeah.
Who's Cousin Arvel? Cousin Arvel? Oh, he's the guy that sold you this square sapphire.
The guy that sold me this? Your cousin sold me the ring? Yes.
Uh, t-twice removed.
Twice removed? H-here's the list of the Where they sold the chili.
NASA cafeteria, Food City.
We gotta get that stuff off the shelf, man.
If that's your cousin, I want my $35 back.
[HUMMING.]
CLERK: Yes, I have some right over here.
I put it right down Oh.
Ha-ha.
This young lady is purchasing some right now.
Miss! Don't buy that.
You won't like it.
It's poison.
This stuff is just awful.
Really? Removing it from the market.
Here, have some of that.
It's really a lot better.
Thank you for the tip.
This stuff is bleh! How dare you badmouth our food? That happens to be one of our newest items, and I just made a deal with a manufacturer who assures me that it's the finest chili on the market.
Great.
I'll take it.
I'll take it all.
Here.
Hold that.
I'll take all you got, huh? [SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
You'll love it.
You'll come back for more.
All right.
Uh, just check me out.
[.]
Miss.
Hi, miss.
Uh I happen to be the representative, uh, for Cousin Tony's Texas Chili.
And, uh, these, uh, labels happen to be very defective.
So we have to get these labels.
They go back to the company.
Now, this one here I noticed Do you shop here very often? You're a very nice lady.
And you have very, very lovely hair.
Now, isn't that prettier? That's very, very nice.
Very good chili.
Well, it certainly has been nice talking to you.
Have a nice shopping day.
Bye.
Ahem.
Good chili.
Very good.
[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY.]
Got everything? [SIGHS.]
[.]
Oh, Major Nelson, I Amanda, what on earth? You can't go through Major Nelson's desk! Alfred, I am tired of being made a fool of.
Now, I know he switched those cans on me.
I know it.
I'm going to find the can, show it to the general to prove to him I'm not crazy.
But, Amanda, you promised the major.
Besides, they said they didn't have any in the cafeteria.
They didn't say they didn't have any.
They said they were out of it.
And there's a big difference.
Aha.
I told you.
There it is, right here.
Amanda, you're making a mistake.
Now, let me tell you Sergeant, you owe us for one case of Cousin Tony's Texas Chili.
Here you are.
I'll say it again.
I don't know where it came from in the first place, and I don't know where it went, but I ain't about to pay you for any chili that don't exist.
Oh.
It is a mystery, but luckily there is one case left.
[.]
Oh, look, sergeant, you must've missed it.
That's the craziest thing I've ever seen.
[PHONE RINGING.]
Sergeant, this is General Schaeffer.
Sergeant, this may sound like an odd question, but do you have any Cousin Tony's Texas Chili in the cafeteria? What? You do? Sergeant, bring the case to my office.
And the man and woman too.
Well, if this is true, Major Nelson is finished.
[.]
Yeah, well, at least we got 'em off the shelf.
When I find Jeannie, I'll get her to blink the labels off the cans that people already bought.
Oh, Major Nelson.
Inside, please.
You have some explaining to do.
I was just Inside, major! You too, Major Healey.
Hi, darling.
How are you? Ooh.
Sorry, sir.
Sorry.
I am astounded, major, particularly after yesterday's conversation.
Sir, if you just give me a chance to explain, I'm sure I can clear this all up.
Well, general, the major did say it was some sort of a joke.
A can of chili is a joke, doctor.
A case is a court-martial.
Bring it here, sergeant.
A court-martial.
I do not understand.
What about this ring, Arvel? Shh.
How about the Hong Kong flu? Hm? Hm? Open it up.
They'll be able to see one if you don't blink the can out.
Oh, but, master, they have your picture on Now.
Yes, master.
[.]
What is that?! That is the best Texas chili north of the Pecos.
[CHUCKLES.]
[.]
Here you are, darling.
Oh, thanks, sweetheart.
Hey, this is not that, uh That stuff Arvel It is.
Yes, it is.
It is chili.
But after all, we have so much of it, it is a shame to waste it.
It is perfectly good vitamins.
Shame to waste it.
Hi, everybody.
Hello, Major Healey.
Sorry.
Didn't know it was dinner.
Have a little chili.
Oh, sit down.
No, I'm up to here in chili.
I'll have some crackers though.
Oh, you ever get that 35 bucks back from Arvel? Oh, better than that, he, uh, let me keep the ring, and for $35 more, he gave me this water opal and threw in the rhinestone cuff links.
Ooh, very nice.
Let me see that ring again.
Yeah.
MAN [OVER RADIO.]
: Calling all cars, calling all cars.
Be on the lookout for a green and white sedan heading south on Boulevard A.
That's for me.
I gotta go.
Wait.
Let me see this.
I haven't seen one of these in 30 years.
[.]
Oh, uh, hi, did you lose something? Yeah.
Sure did.
Let me give you a hand.
What are we looking for anyway? Well, that's That's darn neighborly of you.
It's my dad blamed ring.
Your ring, huh? Yeah.
Uh, I looked in the buggy here and, uh The buggy? Yeah.
My car here.
But, uh, I reckon I dropped it out here someplace.
Hey, wait a minute.
Yeah.
Don't I recognize you from someplace? Well, I work here at NASA.
You probably saw me around here.
Oh, well, I got some kinfolk working here at NASA.
Really? Yeah.
Well, what do you know? What? Wait a minute.
What? That reflection right there.
Wait a minute.
There it is.
Why, there it is.
Ha-ha.
How about that, huh? Ain't that a beauty? Yeah.
That's a pretty ring, all right.
That is the only square sapphire east of the Mississippi.
Square sapphire? Mm-hm.
But it don't go on my finger right.
Oh.
See what I mean? Too bad.
I'm glad you found it anyway.
Well, I-I'll tell you what.
Well, I certainly do declare.
Lovely lifeline.
Let me try something here.
What are you doing? I'm trying it on your finger, see if it fits.
Wait a minute.
Now Now, is that the way it should look? Yeah.
That That does look kind of nice.
Since you're one of our boys in uniform, you give me 35 and we'll call it square.
Thirty-five dollars? Mm-hm.
Thirty-five dollars.
Yeah, $35.
Here you are.
I thank you.
Keep up the good work, lieutenant.
I'll see you soon.
Thirty-five hundred dollar ring, huh? Oh.
Oh, this time I did it.
Oh-ho-ho.
[MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY.]
JEANNIE: Ooh-hoo, Major Healey, hello.
Hi, Jeannie.
Uh, how do you like my new ring, huh? Oh.
Well, I-it is beautiful.
Heh.
I, uh, have never seen one quite like it.
Yeah.
Well, it's a square sapphire.
It's the only one east of the Mississippi.
[SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE.]
W-what? Uh, w-wear it in good health.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Nice talking to you.
Mm-hm.
Bye-bye.
Heh.
[.]
[MAN SIGHS.]
Excuse me, sir.
May I assist you? Well, heh Well, that's right neighborly of you, ma'am.
It's just my goll dang diamond cuff link.
Heh.
Ooh, a diamond cuff link.
It must be quite valuable.
Yes.
And [STAMMERS.]
Jeannie Nelson? Excuse me, ma'am, but are you any relation to Major Anthony Nelson? Oh, no.
No.
He is my husband.
Your husband.
Well, I'll be horsewhipped.
I I'm Arvel, his cousin.
[.]
[.]
[.]
Square sapphire? Yeah.
But it's the only one east of the Mississippi.
Remember that.
Does it have a magic decoder? Ah, don't be funny.
This is a very expensive ring.
You know, for secret messages from Dick Tracy and all that? You kidding? Know how much I paid for it? How much? It's a $3500 ring.
You know how much I paid for it? I paid $35.
That's clever.
You're lucky the guy wasn't selling the Brooklyn Bridge.
Course my partners, being shrewd businessmen, won't let anybody else in.
But I said to them, I 'told 'em, I said: "Friends, if a man can't let his own flesh and blood "share in his good fortune, why he just ain't much of a man.
" Well, that is very generous of you, Cousin Arvel.
Well, I did what I could.
But you know something, Jeannie, as much as I fought them, they wouldn't let me take in more than $1000.
One thousand dollars.
Well, it's not much, heh, but it's the best I could do.
But, Jeannie, it won't always be $1000.
No.
It'll be a-building and a-building.
And some day, why when When Cousin Tony won't be as young as he is, he'll be too old to fly them moon rockets, and all he'll have is that pension to look forward to, why there it'll be, the greatest gift of them all.
Gift? W-what kind of gift? Financial security.
Oh.
Financial security? Mm-hm.
Do you really think Anthony would like that? Jeannie, Jeannie.
Heh-heh.
Why does a heifer like salt, hm? Jeannie, when a man has security, why he's like a rattler a-sunnin' hisself on a flat rock, not a care in the world.
Then I shall buy it for him.
Hm-hm.
Yes.
He'd be like a Hm? I will not be but a moment.
Please do not go away.
Heh.
[.]
Well, Cousin Tony not only married purty, he married rich.
Hm-hm.
[.]
Now, there's two possibilities: Either she's really loaded or she's plumb loco.
And if she's loco [DOOR OPENS.]
Heh.
Here you are, Cousin Arvel.
I hope you do not mind gold.
I-if you do, I I can get you bills.
Oh, I have some more.
One moment please.
[CHUCKLES.]
She's rich, and she's loco.
Gentleman, would you bring those over here so we can compare them.
BELLOWS: Here we go.
Excuse me.
Oh, major, that's a very interesting ring.
Thank you, sir.
Actually, that's a genuine It is interesting.
I haven't seen one like it since I used to get them out of cereal boxes.
[ALL LAUGH.]
Takes you back, doesn't it? Does it have a magic decoder? Now, wait a minute.
This happens to be a very expensive ring.
I practically stole this for $35.
Thirty-five dollars? Y-you paid $35 for that? Well I'm afraid you've been taken, major.
I couldn't have, sir.
I met this guy in the lot by accident.
It was a NASA lot too.
What happened to our security? Well, uh, sir, I'm sorry Roger got swindled, but these things happen.
Yeah.
There's a sucker born every minute.
SCHAEFFER: No, you don't understand, gentlemen.
Since the space program has been so much in the public eye, it was only a question of time before con men, swindlers and And phony speculators descended on us.
Oh, general, it's only a worthless ring.
Yeah.
A piece of junk.
SCHAEFFER: Of course, and next comes the phony stock investments, and the influence peddlers, and the promoters trying to get our astronauts to endorse their products.
Right.
We're not allowed to do that, sir.
Exactly, major.
And I don't want to give that a chance to happen.
I want that man caught so that the rest of them will know we're not an easy mark.
Mmm.
Major Healey, we owe you a debt of gratitude for bringing this to our attention.
Well, just doing my job, sir.
Sounds like a snake-oil salesman to me.
I wish he had sold me some snake oil, I could get this ring off my finger.
W-wait a minute.
I think that's his car.
He must be here.
There's somebody in there.
Let's go.
Yeah.
[.]
BOTH: Gotcha! Now that you've got me, what do you plan to do with me? Beans.
Beans, Cousin Jeannie.
Beans.
Hm-hm! Well, they They They smell very good, Cousin Arvel, but B-but you did not have to cook dinner.
Oh, well, I'm not cooking to show off my culinary genius.
I am cooking these beans to show you where your financial security is.
Oh.
Well, I-I I do not understand.
Fried chicken, barbecued spare ribs, fish and chips.
Why, folks have made a fortune out of that stuff.
Well, I got here one of the gone dangest recipes for Texas chili beans that you ever smacked your lips over.
And with your money and my recipe, why, we could make it famous.
Uh, ooh, that is That is what you wanted the money for? For, uh, beans? Come now, little lady, don't you worry your pretty head over that.
Now you just leave the cooking and the business to little ol' Arvel here.
[CHUCKLES.]
Cousin Jeannie Cousin Arvel Oh, excuse me.
Heh.
Ladies first.
Well, uh, p-perhaps it would be a good idea if we did not tell Anthony about this just yet.
I, uh I-I would like to have his financial security be a complete surprise.
You just took the words right out of my mouth.
Oh, good.
Good.
Good.
Ooh, hello, darling.
Hi.
Uh, well, I lit the fire, I got a nice bottle of wine, and if you turn on the music Oh, well, darling, uh, no.
I I'm afraid not.
We We have a guest.
A guest? Who? Cousin Tony.
Lock up the silver.
What? Nothing.
Nothing.
Oh, is this not a pleasant surprise? Cousin Arvel came all the way from Texas just to visit us.
Terrific.
I told you he'd be tickled.
Ha-ha.
And I will show you what a pleasant guest I can be around the house.
I want you to wrap your lips around some of the best Texas chili north of the Pecos.
Ho-ho.
Uh, Arvel, how long are you gonna be here? Try this.
Oh How's that, son? Is it not delicious? Delicious.
What do you think of it? "Cousin Tony's Texas Chili.
" Oh.
Oh, Cousin Arvel.
Why, that That is most generous of you.
Most generous, but But But it is your recipe.
Jeannie, I just want to show my gratitude.
Come here.
I wanna t-tell you something.
Sit here.
Sit down here.
Now, I have decided that we're not only gonna sell our chili from stands, we're gonna can it.
Ha-ho! Before I'm through, Cousin Tony's face will be in every supermarket in the country.
Huh? Oh! Oh, how exciting.
How long will it take? Well, with Tony's endorsement, I reckon I could sign up a canner in about half a minute.
His endorsement? Did you talk to him and ask him? Why, Jeannie, don't you remember? Don't you remember he said it was delicious? Huh? Oh, yes.
If that ain't an endorsement, I don't know what is.
Right? Yes.
Oh, by Before I forget.
Now, not a word of this until we can show him a can with his face on it.
Okay? [.]
Oh.
It just goes to show you how wrong you can be about people.
My master's face in every supermarket.
I can hardly wait.
Oh! [LAUGHS.]
Why should I wait? Whee! [.]
Cocoa Beach Supermarket, NASA cafeteria, Food City.
Aha.
This is the last one.
Let's see.
May I help you find something, ma'am? Oh! Oh.
Heh.
Well, yes, as a matter of fact, you can.
Cousin Tony's Texas Chili.
It is delicious.
Cousin Tony's? I don't think we carry that brand.
Just a moment please.
[GIGGLES.]
Oh, well, never mind.
I found it.
Oh, yes, good.
Good.
[.]
Peculiar.
It isn't here on Pickles and ketchup.
Uh, and, oh, yes, Alfred loves chili.
Cousin Tony's Texas Chili.
Oh, uh, may I see that for a moment, please? Oh, oh, yes, yes.
It's a new item.
It's quite delicious.
Cousin Tony.
Oh Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
Thank you very much.
Oh, this is wonderful.
This is wonderful.
I put my master's face in all the supermarkets and the NASA cafeteria.
Why, I still have a whole case left over.
ARVEL: Cousin Jeannie.
Cousin Jeannie! In here, Cousin Arvel! Yee-hoo! Ah, we done it.
We done it! I just left the distributor, and he told me that he would take all the Cousin Tony Texas Chili that we could deliver.
Oh! Now Now all we gotta do is put that stuff in cans.
Oh.
Oh, well, I-I have already done that.
And And I have even put it in the supermarkets too.
And I thought I was fast.
Cousin Jeannie, you You are a genius.
Oh.
W-what did you charge 'em? Charge 'em? Mm-hm.
Do you mean money? Well, I don't mean rutabagas.
Sure, money.
You You did charge? Oh.
Heh-heh.
Cousin Jeannie, I I-I wanna tell you something.
You see You see, the only way that we're gonna get financial security for Tony is by selling the chili to the markets, see? You see, and if we don't get money for the chili, heh, I mean, that ain't selling, you know.
That's, uh Well, that's criminal.
I-I'm terribly sorry, Cousin Arvel, but I did not understand about that part.
All right, now you Now you take me to all those places where you put 'em, and I'll make the deals, huh? Very well.
Okay.
Cans.
Alfred, is it or isn't it? It couldn't be.
Oh, Alfred, you just amaze me.
You really do.
I mean, now here is a can that says, "Cousin Tony's Texas Chili" on it.
We have Major Nelson in his cute little astronaut suit smiling at us, and you still say it isn't him? But Major Nelson knows that astronauts can't endorse products.
He mentioned it himself.
Oh.
Well, that's nice.
Well, I want to mention one thing too.
If he can endorse chili, you can endorse headache pills.
He's given you enough of them.
It's a joke.
It must be somebody's idea of a joke, that's all.
Well, if it is, major, it's in very poor taste.
Mm.
Do you realize what would happen if Schaeffer got a look at this? Yeah.
We can't have the general looking at that.
No, you don't, major.
This is evidence.
You're not gonna show that to him without giving me a chance to track down who's responsible for it, are you? Of course not, major.
But I'm going to keep it until you do.
Huh? I'm just going to lunch.
Anyone care to join me? I'd love to, sir, but I'm I'm very busy right now.
Uh, yes.
He's very busy.
We'd be delighted to join you for lunch.
In your purse.
My purse? In my purse? Oh, well, he's speaking to me.
I think it's a good idea.
Why don't we go to the cafeteria right now.
It gets so busy this time of day.
Why don't you try the chili.
It's great.
Chili? Yes, it's called Cousin Tony's Texas Chi Oh, Alfred, this is ridiculous.
I have to tell him.
I was shopping in the food mart today, and I found this can with Major Nelson's picture Are you people going to lunch with me or not? Yes, I'm going to lunch wi Y-yes.
I'm going to lunch.
I'm suddenly very hungry for chili.
Well, I I think I'll have seconds, gang.
What's the matter? What's the matter? Shh! I know a shortcut to the cafeteria.
Wait a minute! Wait a minute.
I'm not that hungry.
[.]
TONY: Are you all right? No, I'm not all right.
Wait a minute.
What do you wanna do? I don't want seconds.
Wait.
We're on the second floor.
Oh! You're an astronaut.
[.]
Did you get all of 'em? Yeah, I got all of 'em.
Why couldn't we eat in the cafeteria? It's only 30 cents a bowl and a big bowl.
Because my picture is on the front of it, that's why.
Hey, that does look like you.
Yeah.
Jeannie, Jeannie, I'm home.
Oh, and forget about lunch.
We brought it.
Huh? Jeannie! [SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY.]
Jeannie.
Wait a minute.
What's this? Tony.
Huh? Wait a minute.
I brought two boxes, you brought a box.
Where'd this come from? What? Oh, that does look like you.
Let me see.
What's the matter? Jeannie.
Jeannie.
What? I-I knew she had something to do with this.
And I bet you Cousin Arvel had something to do with it too.
Yeah.
Who's Cousin Arvel? Cousin Arvel? Oh, he's the guy that sold you this square sapphire.
The guy that sold me this? Your cousin sold me the ring? Yes.
Uh, t-twice removed.
Twice removed? H-here's the list of the Where they sold the chili.
NASA cafeteria, Food City.
We gotta get that stuff off the shelf, man.
If that's your cousin, I want my $35 back.
[HUMMING.]
CLERK: Yes, I have some right over here.
I put it right down Oh.
Ha-ha.
This young lady is purchasing some right now.
Miss! Don't buy that.
You won't like it.
It's poison.
This stuff is just awful.
Really? Removing it from the market.
Here, have some of that.
It's really a lot better.
Thank you for the tip.
This stuff is bleh! How dare you badmouth our food? That happens to be one of our newest items, and I just made a deal with a manufacturer who assures me that it's the finest chili on the market.
Great.
I'll take it.
I'll take it all.
Here.
Hold that.
I'll take all you got, huh? [SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
You'll love it.
You'll come back for more.
All right.
Uh, just check me out.
[.]
Miss.
Hi, miss.
Uh I happen to be the representative, uh, for Cousin Tony's Texas Chili.
And, uh, these, uh, labels happen to be very defective.
So we have to get these labels.
They go back to the company.
Now, this one here I noticed Do you shop here very often? You're a very nice lady.
And you have very, very lovely hair.
Now, isn't that prettier? That's very, very nice.
Very good chili.
Well, it certainly has been nice talking to you.
Have a nice shopping day.
Bye.
Ahem.
Good chili.
Very good.
[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY.]
Got everything? [SIGHS.]
[.]
Oh, Major Nelson, I Amanda, what on earth? You can't go through Major Nelson's desk! Alfred, I am tired of being made a fool of.
Now, I know he switched those cans on me.
I know it.
I'm going to find the can, show it to the general to prove to him I'm not crazy.
But, Amanda, you promised the major.
Besides, they said they didn't have any in the cafeteria.
They didn't say they didn't have any.
They said they were out of it.
And there's a big difference.
Aha.
I told you.
There it is, right here.
Amanda, you're making a mistake.
Now, let me tell you Sergeant, you owe us for one case of Cousin Tony's Texas Chili.
Here you are.
I'll say it again.
I don't know where it came from in the first place, and I don't know where it went, but I ain't about to pay you for any chili that don't exist.
Oh.
It is a mystery, but luckily there is one case left.
[.]
Oh, look, sergeant, you must've missed it.
That's the craziest thing I've ever seen.
[PHONE RINGING.]
Sergeant, this is General Schaeffer.
Sergeant, this may sound like an odd question, but do you have any Cousin Tony's Texas Chili in the cafeteria? What? You do? Sergeant, bring the case to my office.
And the man and woman too.
Well, if this is true, Major Nelson is finished.
[.]
Yeah, well, at least we got 'em off the shelf.
When I find Jeannie, I'll get her to blink the labels off the cans that people already bought.
Oh, Major Nelson.
Inside, please.
You have some explaining to do.
I was just Inside, major! You too, Major Healey.
Hi, darling.
How are you? Ooh.
Sorry, sir.
Sorry.
I am astounded, major, particularly after yesterday's conversation.
Sir, if you just give me a chance to explain, I'm sure I can clear this all up.
Well, general, the major did say it was some sort of a joke.
A can of chili is a joke, doctor.
A case is a court-martial.
Bring it here, sergeant.
A court-martial.
I do not understand.
What about this ring, Arvel? Shh.
How about the Hong Kong flu? Hm? Hm? Open it up.
They'll be able to see one if you don't blink the can out.
Oh, but, master, they have your picture on Now.
Yes, master.
[.]
What is that?! That is the best Texas chili north of the Pecos.
[CHUCKLES.]
[.]
Here you are, darling.
Oh, thanks, sweetheart.
Hey, this is not that, uh That stuff Arvel It is.
Yes, it is.
It is chili.
But after all, we have so much of it, it is a shame to waste it.
It is perfectly good vitamins.
Shame to waste it.
Hi, everybody.
Hello, Major Healey.
Sorry.
Didn't know it was dinner.
Have a little chili.
Oh, sit down.
No, I'm up to here in chili.
I'll have some crackers though.
Oh, you ever get that 35 bucks back from Arvel? Oh, better than that, he, uh, let me keep the ring, and for $35 more, he gave me this water opal and threw in the rhinestone cuff links.
Ooh, very nice.
Let me see that ring again.
Yeah.
MAN [OVER RADIO.]
: Calling all cars, calling all cars.
Be on the lookout for a green and white sedan heading south on Boulevard A.
That's for me.
I gotta go.
Wait.
Let me see this.
I haven't seen one of these in 30 years.
[.]