I Just Want My Pants Back (2012) s01e08 Episode Script
The Blackout
1 I'm gonna go surprise Brett at his weekly shuffleboard game.
Wow.
That's so rom-com of you.
Most of us don't just get to figure it all out Get a cool job, meet a girl.
- What's going on here? - I saw Jane who thinks I'm a piece of crap because I'm a piece of cake.
I don't know, Stace, I feel like my love life is starting to look like one of those time lapse films of a rotting deer carcass, you know? Maybe I should just lay off guys, give the girl a rest, let the fields lie fallow.
Uh-huh.
But then at what point do you cross the line between some healthy time off and becoming one of those crazy single ladies who wanders around whole foods with a long braid past her butt, you know? Stace? Yeah, I think you'd look great with long hair.
You should definitely grow it out.
What? What are you talking about? Oh, sorry.
I'm distracted, I've got a lot of, um, law school stuff to do.
I should probably go.
Is that okay? I thought we were hanging out today, but sure.
I guess I'll just stay here and sweat out the toxins while simultaneously toxifying.
Okay, uh, see you later.
Look out! - Oh! - Sorry.
My friend's new fiancé's not the best athlete.
But he is a stockbroker, so he'll be great at buying you another beer.
Nah, it's all right, I'm like a girl scout.
Always prepared.
Heh.
Plus I look really cute in a beret, so Oh, this heat is insane, right? Oh, man, if I see one more forecast of a sun wearing a pair of sunglasses, Because I would totally use it right now.
I'm stuck solo at this awful engagement party.
I seriously feel superior being single.
Sometimes it's more enjoyable to just stay at home alone and netflix together a Steve Buscemi marathon.
Whoa, you like Steve Buscemi? Okay, he's my irrational celebrity crush.
Irrational? Oh, if loving his soulful, red-rimmed bug eyes is wrong, I don't wanna be right.
I'm Tina.
Vanessa well, everyone calls me Ness.
Hey, if you don't wanna go back over to your love boat, you're more than welcome to stay here and make fun of the marrieds.
Okay.
Thank you.
Let the mocking begin.
Oh, hello, future husband.
He's like a pirate.
But without any of the sexiness of an actual pirate.
Never date a dude with a bird.
They usually have mommy issues.
And even if they don't you still have to deal with the bird.
- Oh, hey.
- Who's that? He's my friend.
- Hey, dude.
- Hey! - What's up? - Not much.
What's, uh - Uh, hi, I'm Jason.
- Hi.
Oh, sorry.
- Ness.
- Nice to meet you.
So what are you guys up to? Oh, you know, just enjoying some locally sourced pizza made by aloof art students.
Yeah, to me it's not really local unless there's a cow by the dumpster in the back making the mozzarella, but I am hardcore.
We're actually just killing time till we go see a movie-slash- enjoying free air-conditioning.
Oh, is it cool if I kill time with you guys before I go do nothing? Yeah, totally.
Please, sit.
Cool.
$32.
And if you think I don't know that all the items that you're buying that are not pregnancy tests are simply to detract attention from the pregnancy test, then you don't know how many condoms I sell to nervous pimply teenagers.
Uh I'm probably never gonna take that.
Ah, I'm a couple of days late, but it's no big deal.
I'm sure my cycle's just off because of stress or wow, I'm discussing my period with you.
Let me feel you hair.
I can tell if you're having a boy or a girl.
No, thanks.
You can always drop off some clippings.
I'm extremely accurate! Yeah, so I guess the weirdest casting session I ever had tape was for this cat litter ad where we were trying to find old Asian ladies who could meow.
No way! I remember that spot.
When the husband rubs her tummy - right.
- And then she softly purrs.
It was like weird new Japanese porn.
Yeah, I mean, as a culture they continue to dominate us in math, science, and bizarre fetishes.
Oh, Ness, we should probably get going - if we wanna see our movie.
- Oh, wow.
Yeah, it's almost time.
Oh, guys, before I forget.
I'm having a party at my place tomorrow night.
It's in bushwick, it's a little far.
We're kinda like pioneers out there.
But it's gonna be really big, and you guys gotta come.
Yeah, it sounds great.
I mean I'll go if you're going, teen.
Uh, sure.
- Sounds awesome.
- Cool, great.
So Jason, I will see you tomorrow, I guess.
It's good to meet you.
- Cool.
- Uh All right.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- See ya.
- Bye, Tina.
- What are you doing? - Nothing.
Just, um Am I getting fat? Uh, yup.
I didn't wanna say anything, but you almost weigh enough to sit in the front seat now.
- Coming down.
- Hurry up! Tell Stace to stop lip glossing! Please hurry! Freshly cut cut-offs.
Someone's all fancied up.
Yeah, I was feeling a little crafty.
- So Ness seems cool.
- Yeah, she is cool.
I'm really glad I met her.
I don't really have that many girlfriends.
You know, it's kind of hard to meet new ones after college.
It's like boob size once you're 21, you're pretty much locked in for life.
So, like, what's her deal? What do you mean "what's her deal"? What's your deal? Um, I just thought she was kind of cute.
Why are you being weird? Hey, playas.
Everybody ready for a two-hour journey to the unmapped corners of Brooklyn? Let's do this.
Let's do it.
Okay.
My lady.
I think we may be the first people in history to be making the elusive l to the z train transfer.
I don't even know what station this is.
Is this still America? I know it's hot and this might be a mirage, - but I think I see Bobby.
- Hey! How are you? Welcome.
You must be lost or at least very upset about where you are.
Hey, Bobby.
It's rare to see you from behind the counter.
Whoa, you have legs.
- And very hairy feet.
- Thank you.
So you all going out for ethnic food to celebrate Stacey's impending baby times? Bobby, you're so funny.
Drink up because, according to my sister, the first one really hurts.
After that, they fall out easily.
Plop.
Congratulations, boss! You're such a nerd, I thought the sperm would need glasses to find their way, right? - What's he Talking about? - Okay, I have to go.
But Stacey, I'm very excited to see your figure when the milk comes in and your breasts swell.
Good night.
Guys, I'm not pregnant, okay? I just bought a pregnancy test.
Why? I guess because, um, I might be pregnant.
- Whoa! - Hey! - Oh, blackout! - What the hell? What's going on? Well, we escaped the darkened subway station without being eaten by mole people.
Not without being groped, though.
Someone was squeezing my ass like they were - shopping for melons.
- So what's our next move? You think the whole city's out? I mean, it looks like it.
What did you mean, "you might be pregnant"? I didn't take the test yet, okay? It's at home.
I don't know what you guys are doing, but I can't just go to a party and casually drink a red stripe while I'm wondering whether I'm a father.
We need to go home and take that pregnancy test, babe.
How? There's no power, no subway.
I'm gonna find a cab.
- You okay? - Mm-hm.
I don't know, next time I see you I might be wearing maternity jeans.
It's gonna be okay, Stace.
Just call me after you pee, okay? I always do.
It's getting a little Mad Max out here.
Maybe we should just blow off the party.
Really? Come on! What else do we have to do? I mean, we could loot, but all the good stuff's probably gone by now.
All right, fine.
Just don't hook up with my friend, okay? Um, okay.
Sure, I won't.
Okay, great.
Dude, 20 bucks for a flashlight? - Man.
- Yeah.
Everyone really comes together during a crisis.
Why didn't you tell me you were late? Because I knew you would freak out like you're doing right now.
How late are you? Like, a day.
Plus six days.
A week? How did this happen? Did you mess up on the pill again? No.
Sometimes I forget, but I always take two the next day.
What the hell, Stace! Taking the pill is not like eating almonds.
You can't just munch on a handful - when you feel like it.
- Hey.
Keep talking like that, you won't ever have to worry about birth control again.
Hang on, hang on! Come on, go, go, go, go! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! Oh! Oh, sorry, dude, got a pregnant lady here.
- She doesn't look pregnant.
- She may be.
Oh, my God.
It's so hot.
Why did I wear jeans? You could cook pasta in my belly button sweat.
You just have to think cool thoughts.
Spike Jonze eating sno-cones with Wes Anderson.
Nope, still broiling.
Oh, free blackout chicken.
Come on, I'm starving.
Yeah, let's go stand near an open flame on the hottest day in recorded history.
Okay, so I don't really care, but I'm just curious.
Why don't you want me to hook up with Ness? I think Ness and I could be really great friends, and I don't want you to screw this one up.
Wait, whoa.
"Screw this one up"? - Vinegar tomato paste - Come on, Jay.
Or whole grain mustard? No, don't "come on, Jay" me.
Uh, the fancy ketchup what does that mean? Okay, you have a history of hooking up with girls from my friend pool uh, mustard.
And as soon as you're done hooking up with them, bam! They're not in the pool anymore.
It's like you're peeing in my pool, Jay, and they go somewhere else to shower and be mad at me.
- I don't know - Whole wheat What you're talking about, but that's totally, uh the wheat ridiculous.
It's not ridiculous.
Wheat, please.
You've done it many times before.
- Micro-Greens, baby lettuce? - Baby lettuce.
I have definitely never done that.
Give me whichever green is smaller.
You have.
- Thanks.
- Thanks.
- Whoa! Ah-hagh! - Blagh! God, it's slimy.
God, it's totally raw.
I feel mouth violated.
What are you trying to do, kill us? Just 'cause we don't have cool ink? Oh, God, that was like biting into a live animal.
I can still feel its pulse right a bus.
I need air-conditioning.
Hopefully they're going in the right direction.
Hopefully it goes past a hospital.
Mmm We should probably buckle up.
How could anyone be so horny around so much air-freshener? It's like doing it in a bowl of potpourri.
Look, babe, I'm sorry I freaked out before.
- I was just surprised.
- It's okay.
- This is scary.
- I'm sure you're not pregnant.
And on the teeny-tiny chance you are, we'll be fine.
Think about it.
Interracial baby guaranteed cute.
Eric, come on.
If it's a girl, it'll look like Halle Berry and if it's a boy, Obama.
No matter what, sweetie, it's all gonna be okay.
Uh, I think it would be a lot of things, but okay is definitely not one of them.
- Oh, ho-ho-ho! - Oh, I just saw nip.
Oh, God, do you know how many diseases you can get from eating raw chicken? At least we're not dying from heat exhaustion anymore.
Give me one example of a time I ruined a friendship for you.
End of freshman year.
You hooked up with my roommate Sonya green and then pretended not to see her around campus.
Okay, first off, I didn't pretend not to see her.
Okay, Jay, you are really bad at fake talking on the phone to avoid someone.
"Hey, uh, Larry, it's me.
Ready to go, uh, rollerblading in the big park?" And then Sonya moved out, and I got stuck with the Irish girl who was allergic to the sun.
Okay, Sonya was a randomly assigned roommate.
That's not exactly a close friend.
All right, what about Lily Tanoff? I fooled around with her twice, and I stopped because, to be Frank, she was pierced down there, and I couldn't get past it.
Literally, it was like a hook and clasp, and you never liked her.
I liked her! She was really cool.
And she was gonna let me stay with her in Berlin until you dissed her.
Hey! You gotta pay your fare.
Not during the blackout I don't.
There's no blackout exceptions.
Nobody's moving until you pay.
Kiss my ass.
- Oh, Jesus.
- I'm not kidding.
Pay the damn fare! Shut the hell up, bitch.
This isn't gonna end well.
That's it.
Everybody off.
This bus is out of service.
- What? - Oh.
Who's the bitch now, bitch? Oh.
Nice job, dillweed.
The other good thing about maybe being pregnant is, you know, gift registry doesn't all have to be for the baby.
You want a new Wii, you ask for a new Wii.
Eric, stop trying to spin this.
Look, I'm a law student, you're a med student.
If we had a kid, we'd have to change everything we planned.
I just don't wanna have a baby that I resent.
Stace, that would never happen.
We're here.
Here.
I can't do this.
I can't take the test right now.
I just don't wanna know tonight, okay? If everything is gonna change, I just want one more night of hanging out and having dumb conversations about bad Nic Cage movies.
I understand.
So what do you wanna do? I wanna go to that party.
Sir, we're gonna do everything we just did, but in reverse.
I'm sorry, I'm not buying this.
The only reason girls stop hanging out with you is because I screw it up? I mean, maybe it's you.
I don't know, maybe you're kind of selfish.
Maybe you're kind of a douche bag.
- Tell me how I'm selfish.
- Let's just forget it.
Go ahead, Jay, say what you meant.
Okay, fine.
You know I've been hung up on Jane for, like, a while.
And now that I finally meet a normal girl who I could actually like, all you can think of is how it affects you.
Are you kidding me? The thousands of hours I've spent listening to you go on about Jane.
"Oh, sweet Jane and her beautiful eyes and her golden vagina.
" You know, my abnormal psyche minor has never come in so handy.
Oh, that's nice, that's really nice.
You want me to make it nicer for you, Jay? Because it's not just girls I'm friends with.
It's pretty much all girls.
You ditch me as soon as you see a cute one.
You get blindsided by boobs, and I get stuck in a corner talking to some gross guy who's, like, "check out my thumb ring.
" Okay, I'm sorry, it's a little hard to tell the difference between the gross guys you don't like and the gross guys you do like.
- Kiss her, wussie! - Blackout NYC, suck a nut! I hope you fall! Nice bikes, you hipster tools! You know what, Jay? Don't talk to me at the party.
Oh, yeah, like I was going to the party to talk to you.
Agh.
Look, you're missing my point.
Threesomes are environmentally sound.
They're the sexual equivalent of the carpool Lane.
So ladies, who wants to save the planet? Of course.
Obviously.
Okay, let's have fun.
Can we can we dance? So, uh, what do you want me to do? You want me to do, like, the, uh, sassy snake? Or maybe the pigeon with attitude? Yeah! Peck-peck-peck! Peck-peck-peck! I think I need to take a pregnancy test.
- Now? - Yeah, now.
I'm sorry, I know I'm being totally irrational, but I think when you may be pregnant you're allowed to be totally irrational.
I was wrong.
I can't have any fun until I know what's going on.
You are the biggest cuckoo nut I have ever met.
But I love you.
All right? I'm gonna run to the bodega on the corner.
I'll be right back, all right? Um, okay, so most embarrassing song on your iPod.
Ooh, I have some weird Al I'm not proud of.
- Ooh, wow.
- Hey, your turn.
Okay, most overly emotional song you only play when it's raining? Um, actually when it's raining and I'm feeling low I just pull out my acoustic and play some original jams.
Oh, you're kind of like a prettier Alanis Morrisette.
Could you excuse me for a second? Uh, yeah, yeah, hi.
No, no, she's right here.
Of course.
Hi, look, I hate to break this up but Tina, I'm on the phone with your husband, Larry.
And he just called to tell me to tell you happy anniversary.
Yeah, it's their wedding anniversary.
That is how married they are.
You really suck at that.
I'm sorry, Tina.
So, um, I'm gonna go step out on the balcony and air out my armpits.
Organic deodorant cannot handle what I am throwing at it.
Chill b, but That there's a Trying to kill me I'm poppin' in the When the wind blows every 20 seconds got me peeping out my window Hi there.
So sorry to interrupt.
Checkin' my telephone for taps Do you, uh, carry medical supplies? I was wondering if you perhaps had a pregnancy test in stock? Okay.
I make big money, I drive big cars everybody know me it's like I'm a movie star late at night, something ain't right Good luck, man.
I feel I'm being tailed by the same sucker's headlights is it that fool that I ran off the block Hey! This is great, the candles make everything look amazing.
Thanks, yeah, I'm just lucky my neighbors are wiccan.
- They love candles.
- And Satan.
Mm.
So hey, can I ask you a weird question? Is everything okay with Jason? Uh, yeah, why? It's just I guess we were kind of flirting and then all of a sudden, he walked away and blew me off.
- He did that? - Yeah.
Okay, enough being a freak.
Somebody needs more drinks, and her name rhymes with me.
Dude, I am filled to the brim with light beer and ostrich sliders.
How much longer is it gonna be? It's just another minute.
Stace? I swear to God, something biblical is going to happen if you don't let me in.
Cities will turn to Ash! Stace, I am dying out here, babe.
Come in.
You might wanna back up.
What do two lines mean? Are you what are you? I'm not pregnant.
Oh, good, right? Are you okay? Yeah, if by "okay," you mean totally psyched.
Is that wrong? No.
I was about to start singing we are the champions.
Muah! Yes! You know I peed on that right? Aah! How is this arousing me? It's like a kiln in there.
Tell me about it.
I feel like I have soup in my pants.
Frothy or creamy? Listen, Jay, uh, I think you and Ness could be really great together.
- It's okay, I don't - What kind of unselfish friend would I be if I didn't let you take a chance on someone you didn't have sex with in your refrigerator? Just don't screw it up Like you always do.
Thanks.
I'll try to screw it up in a new and amusing way for you.
- Oh, sweet! - Oh, wow.
- Finally! - Awesome.
Oh, let's go stand directly in front of the ac before somebody else does.
Oh, I am putting my ass right on the vent.
Wow.
That's so rom-com of you.
Most of us don't just get to figure it all out Get a cool job, meet a girl.
- What's going on here? - I saw Jane who thinks I'm a piece of crap because I'm a piece of cake.
I don't know, Stace, I feel like my love life is starting to look like one of those time lapse films of a rotting deer carcass, you know? Maybe I should just lay off guys, give the girl a rest, let the fields lie fallow.
Uh-huh.
But then at what point do you cross the line between some healthy time off and becoming one of those crazy single ladies who wanders around whole foods with a long braid past her butt, you know? Stace? Yeah, I think you'd look great with long hair.
You should definitely grow it out.
What? What are you talking about? Oh, sorry.
I'm distracted, I've got a lot of, um, law school stuff to do.
I should probably go.
Is that okay? I thought we were hanging out today, but sure.
I guess I'll just stay here and sweat out the toxins while simultaneously toxifying.
Okay, uh, see you later.
Look out! - Oh! - Sorry.
My friend's new fiancé's not the best athlete.
But he is a stockbroker, so he'll be great at buying you another beer.
Nah, it's all right, I'm like a girl scout.
Always prepared.
Heh.
Plus I look really cute in a beret, so Oh, this heat is insane, right? Oh, man, if I see one more forecast of a sun wearing a pair of sunglasses, Because I would totally use it right now.
I'm stuck solo at this awful engagement party.
I seriously feel superior being single.
Sometimes it's more enjoyable to just stay at home alone and netflix together a Steve Buscemi marathon.
Whoa, you like Steve Buscemi? Okay, he's my irrational celebrity crush.
Irrational? Oh, if loving his soulful, red-rimmed bug eyes is wrong, I don't wanna be right.
I'm Tina.
Vanessa well, everyone calls me Ness.
Hey, if you don't wanna go back over to your love boat, you're more than welcome to stay here and make fun of the marrieds.
Okay.
Thank you.
Let the mocking begin.
Oh, hello, future husband.
He's like a pirate.
But without any of the sexiness of an actual pirate.
Never date a dude with a bird.
They usually have mommy issues.
And even if they don't you still have to deal with the bird.
- Oh, hey.
- Who's that? He's my friend.
- Hey, dude.
- Hey! - What's up? - Not much.
What's, uh - Uh, hi, I'm Jason.
- Hi.
Oh, sorry.
- Ness.
- Nice to meet you.
So what are you guys up to? Oh, you know, just enjoying some locally sourced pizza made by aloof art students.
Yeah, to me it's not really local unless there's a cow by the dumpster in the back making the mozzarella, but I am hardcore.
We're actually just killing time till we go see a movie-slash- enjoying free air-conditioning.
Oh, is it cool if I kill time with you guys before I go do nothing? Yeah, totally.
Please, sit.
Cool.
$32.
And if you think I don't know that all the items that you're buying that are not pregnancy tests are simply to detract attention from the pregnancy test, then you don't know how many condoms I sell to nervous pimply teenagers.
Uh I'm probably never gonna take that.
Ah, I'm a couple of days late, but it's no big deal.
I'm sure my cycle's just off because of stress or wow, I'm discussing my period with you.
Let me feel you hair.
I can tell if you're having a boy or a girl.
No, thanks.
You can always drop off some clippings.
I'm extremely accurate! Yeah, so I guess the weirdest casting session I ever had tape was for this cat litter ad where we were trying to find old Asian ladies who could meow.
No way! I remember that spot.
When the husband rubs her tummy - right.
- And then she softly purrs.
It was like weird new Japanese porn.
Yeah, I mean, as a culture they continue to dominate us in math, science, and bizarre fetishes.
Oh, Ness, we should probably get going - if we wanna see our movie.
- Oh, wow.
Yeah, it's almost time.
Oh, guys, before I forget.
I'm having a party at my place tomorrow night.
It's in bushwick, it's a little far.
We're kinda like pioneers out there.
But it's gonna be really big, and you guys gotta come.
Yeah, it sounds great.
I mean I'll go if you're going, teen.
Uh, sure.
- Sounds awesome.
- Cool, great.
So Jason, I will see you tomorrow, I guess.
It's good to meet you.
- Cool.
- Uh All right.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- See ya.
- Bye, Tina.
- What are you doing? - Nothing.
Just, um Am I getting fat? Uh, yup.
I didn't wanna say anything, but you almost weigh enough to sit in the front seat now.
- Coming down.
- Hurry up! Tell Stace to stop lip glossing! Please hurry! Freshly cut cut-offs.
Someone's all fancied up.
Yeah, I was feeling a little crafty.
- So Ness seems cool.
- Yeah, she is cool.
I'm really glad I met her.
I don't really have that many girlfriends.
You know, it's kind of hard to meet new ones after college.
It's like boob size once you're 21, you're pretty much locked in for life.
So, like, what's her deal? What do you mean "what's her deal"? What's your deal? Um, I just thought she was kind of cute.
Why are you being weird? Hey, playas.
Everybody ready for a two-hour journey to the unmapped corners of Brooklyn? Let's do this.
Let's do it.
Okay.
My lady.
I think we may be the first people in history to be making the elusive l to the z train transfer.
I don't even know what station this is.
Is this still America? I know it's hot and this might be a mirage, - but I think I see Bobby.
- Hey! How are you? Welcome.
You must be lost or at least very upset about where you are.
Hey, Bobby.
It's rare to see you from behind the counter.
Whoa, you have legs.
- And very hairy feet.
- Thank you.
So you all going out for ethnic food to celebrate Stacey's impending baby times? Bobby, you're so funny.
Drink up because, according to my sister, the first one really hurts.
After that, they fall out easily.
Plop.
Congratulations, boss! You're such a nerd, I thought the sperm would need glasses to find their way, right? - What's he Talking about? - Okay, I have to go.
But Stacey, I'm very excited to see your figure when the milk comes in and your breasts swell.
Good night.
Guys, I'm not pregnant, okay? I just bought a pregnancy test.
Why? I guess because, um, I might be pregnant.
- Whoa! - Hey! - Oh, blackout! - What the hell? What's going on? Well, we escaped the darkened subway station without being eaten by mole people.
Not without being groped, though.
Someone was squeezing my ass like they were - shopping for melons.
- So what's our next move? You think the whole city's out? I mean, it looks like it.
What did you mean, "you might be pregnant"? I didn't take the test yet, okay? It's at home.
I don't know what you guys are doing, but I can't just go to a party and casually drink a red stripe while I'm wondering whether I'm a father.
We need to go home and take that pregnancy test, babe.
How? There's no power, no subway.
I'm gonna find a cab.
- You okay? - Mm-hm.
I don't know, next time I see you I might be wearing maternity jeans.
It's gonna be okay, Stace.
Just call me after you pee, okay? I always do.
It's getting a little Mad Max out here.
Maybe we should just blow off the party.
Really? Come on! What else do we have to do? I mean, we could loot, but all the good stuff's probably gone by now.
All right, fine.
Just don't hook up with my friend, okay? Um, okay.
Sure, I won't.
Okay, great.
Dude, 20 bucks for a flashlight? - Man.
- Yeah.
Everyone really comes together during a crisis.
Why didn't you tell me you were late? Because I knew you would freak out like you're doing right now.
How late are you? Like, a day.
Plus six days.
A week? How did this happen? Did you mess up on the pill again? No.
Sometimes I forget, but I always take two the next day.
What the hell, Stace! Taking the pill is not like eating almonds.
You can't just munch on a handful - when you feel like it.
- Hey.
Keep talking like that, you won't ever have to worry about birth control again.
Hang on, hang on! Come on, go, go, go, go! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! Oh! Oh, sorry, dude, got a pregnant lady here.
- She doesn't look pregnant.
- She may be.
Oh, my God.
It's so hot.
Why did I wear jeans? You could cook pasta in my belly button sweat.
You just have to think cool thoughts.
Spike Jonze eating sno-cones with Wes Anderson.
Nope, still broiling.
Oh, free blackout chicken.
Come on, I'm starving.
Yeah, let's go stand near an open flame on the hottest day in recorded history.
Okay, so I don't really care, but I'm just curious.
Why don't you want me to hook up with Ness? I think Ness and I could be really great friends, and I don't want you to screw this one up.
Wait, whoa.
"Screw this one up"? - Vinegar tomato paste - Come on, Jay.
Or whole grain mustard? No, don't "come on, Jay" me.
Uh, the fancy ketchup what does that mean? Okay, you have a history of hooking up with girls from my friend pool uh, mustard.
And as soon as you're done hooking up with them, bam! They're not in the pool anymore.
It's like you're peeing in my pool, Jay, and they go somewhere else to shower and be mad at me.
- I don't know - Whole wheat What you're talking about, but that's totally, uh the wheat ridiculous.
It's not ridiculous.
Wheat, please.
You've done it many times before.
- Micro-Greens, baby lettuce? - Baby lettuce.
I have definitely never done that.
Give me whichever green is smaller.
You have.
- Thanks.
- Thanks.
- Whoa! Ah-hagh! - Blagh! God, it's slimy.
God, it's totally raw.
I feel mouth violated.
What are you trying to do, kill us? Just 'cause we don't have cool ink? Oh, God, that was like biting into a live animal.
I can still feel its pulse right a bus.
I need air-conditioning.
Hopefully they're going in the right direction.
Hopefully it goes past a hospital.
Mmm We should probably buckle up.
How could anyone be so horny around so much air-freshener? It's like doing it in a bowl of potpourri.
Look, babe, I'm sorry I freaked out before.
- I was just surprised.
- It's okay.
- This is scary.
- I'm sure you're not pregnant.
And on the teeny-tiny chance you are, we'll be fine.
Think about it.
Interracial baby guaranteed cute.
Eric, come on.
If it's a girl, it'll look like Halle Berry and if it's a boy, Obama.
No matter what, sweetie, it's all gonna be okay.
Uh, I think it would be a lot of things, but okay is definitely not one of them.
- Oh, ho-ho-ho! - Oh, I just saw nip.
Oh, God, do you know how many diseases you can get from eating raw chicken? At least we're not dying from heat exhaustion anymore.
Give me one example of a time I ruined a friendship for you.
End of freshman year.
You hooked up with my roommate Sonya green and then pretended not to see her around campus.
Okay, first off, I didn't pretend not to see her.
Okay, Jay, you are really bad at fake talking on the phone to avoid someone.
"Hey, uh, Larry, it's me.
Ready to go, uh, rollerblading in the big park?" And then Sonya moved out, and I got stuck with the Irish girl who was allergic to the sun.
Okay, Sonya was a randomly assigned roommate.
That's not exactly a close friend.
All right, what about Lily Tanoff? I fooled around with her twice, and I stopped because, to be Frank, she was pierced down there, and I couldn't get past it.
Literally, it was like a hook and clasp, and you never liked her.
I liked her! She was really cool.
And she was gonna let me stay with her in Berlin until you dissed her.
Hey! You gotta pay your fare.
Not during the blackout I don't.
There's no blackout exceptions.
Nobody's moving until you pay.
Kiss my ass.
- Oh, Jesus.
- I'm not kidding.
Pay the damn fare! Shut the hell up, bitch.
This isn't gonna end well.
That's it.
Everybody off.
This bus is out of service.
- What? - Oh.
Who's the bitch now, bitch? Oh.
Nice job, dillweed.
The other good thing about maybe being pregnant is, you know, gift registry doesn't all have to be for the baby.
You want a new Wii, you ask for a new Wii.
Eric, stop trying to spin this.
Look, I'm a law student, you're a med student.
If we had a kid, we'd have to change everything we planned.
I just don't wanna have a baby that I resent.
Stace, that would never happen.
We're here.
Here.
I can't do this.
I can't take the test right now.
I just don't wanna know tonight, okay? If everything is gonna change, I just want one more night of hanging out and having dumb conversations about bad Nic Cage movies.
I understand.
So what do you wanna do? I wanna go to that party.
Sir, we're gonna do everything we just did, but in reverse.
I'm sorry, I'm not buying this.
The only reason girls stop hanging out with you is because I screw it up? I mean, maybe it's you.
I don't know, maybe you're kind of selfish.
Maybe you're kind of a douche bag.
- Tell me how I'm selfish.
- Let's just forget it.
Go ahead, Jay, say what you meant.
Okay, fine.
You know I've been hung up on Jane for, like, a while.
And now that I finally meet a normal girl who I could actually like, all you can think of is how it affects you.
Are you kidding me? The thousands of hours I've spent listening to you go on about Jane.
"Oh, sweet Jane and her beautiful eyes and her golden vagina.
" You know, my abnormal psyche minor has never come in so handy.
Oh, that's nice, that's really nice.
You want me to make it nicer for you, Jay? Because it's not just girls I'm friends with.
It's pretty much all girls.
You ditch me as soon as you see a cute one.
You get blindsided by boobs, and I get stuck in a corner talking to some gross guy who's, like, "check out my thumb ring.
" Okay, I'm sorry, it's a little hard to tell the difference between the gross guys you don't like and the gross guys you do like.
- Kiss her, wussie! - Blackout NYC, suck a nut! I hope you fall! Nice bikes, you hipster tools! You know what, Jay? Don't talk to me at the party.
Oh, yeah, like I was going to the party to talk to you.
Agh.
Look, you're missing my point.
Threesomes are environmentally sound.
They're the sexual equivalent of the carpool Lane.
So ladies, who wants to save the planet? Of course.
Obviously.
Okay, let's have fun.
Can we can we dance? So, uh, what do you want me to do? You want me to do, like, the, uh, sassy snake? Or maybe the pigeon with attitude? Yeah! Peck-peck-peck! Peck-peck-peck! I think I need to take a pregnancy test.
- Now? - Yeah, now.
I'm sorry, I know I'm being totally irrational, but I think when you may be pregnant you're allowed to be totally irrational.
I was wrong.
I can't have any fun until I know what's going on.
You are the biggest cuckoo nut I have ever met.
But I love you.
All right? I'm gonna run to the bodega on the corner.
I'll be right back, all right? Um, okay, so most embarrassing song on your iPod.
Ooh, I have some weird Al I'm not proud of.
- Ooh, wow.
- Hey, your turn.
Okay, most overly emotional song you only play when it's raining? Um, actually when it's raining and I'm feeling low I just pull out my acoustic and play some original jams.
Oh, you're kind of like a prettier Alanis Morrisette.
Could you excuse me for a second? Uh, yeah, yeah, hi.
No, no, she's right here.
Of course.
Hi, look, I hate to break this up but Tina, I'm on the phone with your husband, Larry.
And he just called to tell me to tell you happy anniversary.
Yeah, it's their wedding anniversary.
That is how married they are.
You really suck at that.
I'm sorry, Tina.
So, um, I'm gonna go step out on the balcony and air out my armpits.
Organic deodorant cannot handle what I am throwing at it.
Chill b, but That there's a Trying to kill me I'm poppin' in the When the wind blows every 20 seconds got me peeping out my window Hi there.
So sorry to interrupt.
Checkin' my telephone for taps Do you, uh, carry medical supplies? I was wondering if you perhaps had a pregnancy test in stock? Okay.
I make big money, I drive big cars everybody know me it's like I'm a movie star late at night, something ain't right Good luck, man.
I feel I'm being tailed by the same sucker's headlights is it that fool that I ran off the block Hey! This is great, the candles make everything look amazing.
Thanks, yeah, I'm just lucky my neighbors are wiccan.
- They love candles.
- And Satan.
Mm.
So hey, can I ask you a weird question? Is everything okay with Jason? Uh, yeah, why? It's just I guess we were kind of flirting and then all of a sudden, he walked away and blew me off.
- He did that? - Yeah.
Okay, enough being a freak.
Somebody needs more drinks, and her name rhymes with me.
Dude, I am filled to the brim with light beer and ostrich sliders.
How much longer is it gonna be? It's just another minute.
Stace? I swear to God, something biblical is going to happen if you don't let me in.
Cities will turn to Ash! Stace, I am dying out here, babe.
Come in.
You might wanna back up.
What do two lines mean? Are you what are you? I'm not pregnant.
Oh, good, right? Are you okay? Yeah, if by "okay," you mean totally psyched.
Is that wrong? No.
I was about to start singing we are the champions.
Muah! Yes! You know I peed on that right? Aah! How is this arousing me? It's like a kiln in there.
Tell me about it.
I feel like I have soup in my pants.
Frothy or creamy? Listen, Jay, uh, I think you and Ness could be really great together.
- It's okay, I don't - What kind of unselfish friend would I be if I didn't let you take a chance on someone you didn't have sex with in your refrigerator? Just don't screw it up Like you always do.
Thanks.
I'll try to screw it up in a new and amusing way for you.
- Oh, sweet! - Oh, wow.
- Finally! - Awesome.
Oh, let's go stand directly in front of the ac before somebody else does.
Oh, I am putting my ass right on the vent.