I Love Lucy (1951) s03e23 Episode Script
Lucy Writes a Novel
("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) Hi.
What are you doing? Writing a novel.
Oh.
I brought back the magazine I A novel?! Yeah.
I found this in the paper this morning.
"Housewife wins $10,000 prize for first novel.
" Need I say more? Yes.
Well, I'm a housewife.
Oh, well, I think it takes a little more than that to write a novel.
What are you going to write about? I'm writing about things I know.
That won't be a novel, that'll be a short story.
One more remark like that and I'll kill you off in chapter one.
Oh, am I going to be in it? Sure.
We all are- you, Ricky, Fred, me- not under our own names, of course.
Now then (sighs) What are you doing? I'm studying you.
Huh? Ethel, what makes you tick? Tick? What makes you you? Me me? Yeah.
Lucy, I don't think I'm going to like this.
Ethel, you don't seem to realize what this means.
My novel may turn out to be another Gone With The Wind.
If it does, that makes you Scarlett O'Hara.
Me?! Yeah.
Oh.
Well, if you want to know what I'm really like, I'm deeper than most people think.
On the surface, I'm carefree and happy, but deep down inside, I'm intense and moody.
I'm sensitive.
I feel things.
What's the matter, Ethel? You got a stomachache? Well, if it isn't Rhett Butler.
Why don't you find out what makes him tick? He creaks a little, too.
What's going on in this booby hatch? "Booby hatch"! That's good.
I'll use it.
Ethel, what is all this? Lucy's writing a novel, and we're all gonna be in it! You mean she's writing a novel this very minute? Yeah.
No kidding? Yeah.
Well, well What's going on? Lucy's writing a novel.
Oh.
What?! She's writing a novel, and we're all in it.
Are you kidding? You're really writing a novel? Yes, and I'm glad you're up.
There are a few questions I'd like to put to you.
All right put.
What was your reaction when you came to this country for the first time? "A lonely immigrant arriving in New York Harbor on a cattle boat.
" You crazy or something? You know darn well I came here by plane- from Havana to Miami Beach- and I wasn't lonely; I had 14 musicians with me.
Not in my book, you didn't.
"As your leaky Cuban cattle boat steamed into New York Harbor, "tears cascaded down your cheeks "as you saw the Statue of Liberty for the first time.
"You clutched your knapsack to you- "your pitiful little bundle "that contained all your worldly belongings- "and you wept unashamedly.
"You made a vow "that someday you would be a famous orchestra leader.
"You promised yourself Wait a minute.
Wait, wait! "that never Wait, wait! Wait, wait! never would you " Wait, wait, wait.
Is this the kind of stuff you're writing about? Yeah.
Pretty good, huh? But, honey, it isn't true.
Ricky, that's what writers do.
They take the truth and twist it a little.
Well, if your book doesn't sell, you can always get a job making pretzels.
I think we'd better take a look at what she's writing about.
Yeah, I want to see how she's twisting me.
Yeah.
Just a moment.
A writer's work is sacred.
You can read it when it becomes a best seller.
And now, if you'll excuse me, the muse calls, and I must answer.
Yep, it's not here.
Well, I can't find it.
ETHEL: It's not in here.
Well, we looked all over this place and the other room.
Let's go and look in the kitchen.
All right.
Okay.
It's got to be here someplace.
Fred, if you were Lucy's novel, where would you go? Oh, I'd run down in the basement and jump in the furnace.
Aah, come on, this is silly.
It's got to be here someplace.
RICKY: Look under the sink, will you? Oh, okay.
I'll give you some light.
FRED: Yeah, that'll help.
I got it! What? What? She had it in the blind! She had it up there in the blind! Oh, my heavens.
Oh, God, come on In the blind.
Oh, boy.
How cute can you be? Now we'll get this all straightened out here.
Listen to this.
I got the title.
Real Gone With The Wind.
Real gone.
(guffawing) Don't you love that.
Here's the first page.
"Now it can be told for the first time "how I, Lucille Mcgillicuddy, "gave up a brilliant career in the theater "to marry a poor and unknown bongo player "This, then, will be the story "of one of the brightest lights in show business and how she dimmed her bulb.
" Oh, brother! (guffawing) "Dimmed her bulb!" Wait a minute.
Wait, I got something here.
Listen to this.
"Later, we moved to an apartment on East 68th Street.
"It was there that I met Ethel Nurtz, our landlady.
Ethel Nurtz? That must be misspelled.
No, she said she wasn't gonna use our real names.
Well, nobody'd know who Ethel Nurtz is.
Oh, no.
No.
Let me go on here.
Get the rest of it.
"It was there I met our landlady, Ethel Nurtz.
"We became the very best of friends "in spite of the great difference in our ages.
"As the years went along, "I came to think of her not just as a friend, not just as a neighbor, but as a mother.
" A mother?! It says so! (laughing uncontrollably) I don't think that's so funny.
Oh, no, I think it's kind of good.
Go ahead and laugh.
(laughing) (laughing) Well, ha-ha-ha, listen to this.
"A colorful character in our neighborhood was a funny old coot named Fred Nurtz.
" Shall I go on? No.
Go on.
"He was really a nice person if you had the time and energy "to look beneath his rough and grumpy exterior.
"The best thing about Fred was that when you met him, you understood why Ethel was like she was.
" What does that mean? I don't know, but I'll bet it's insulting.
Yeah.
Now, come on, don't be such bad sports.
You're being too sensitive.
Oh, we're being sensitive.
Sure.
Wait till you get to the part Go on, find something about yourself.
Yeah, let's get a page We'll see how sensitive you are.
Okay.
"Mother," "difference in our ages.
" Whoo.
Here's something.
Here's something right here.
"The greatest day of my life "was the day I was married to Nicky Nicardo.
Nick Nicky Nicardo? I wonder who she means.
Oh, I wouldn't know.
"Although Nicky was an unknown when I married him " (clears throat) " he soon became one of the country's leading Latin-American entertainers.
" That doesn't make me mad.
No, no.
Shouldn't.
"His voice charmed millions.
His guitar-playing made women swoon.
" You know, she writes very well.
"His voice charmed millions.
"His guitar-playing made women swoon.
So it was a small wonder that " Where's page 12? Page 12.
Let's find it.
I got it.
I got it.
Good.
What did that say? "His voice charmed millions.
"His guitar-playing made women swoon.
"So it was a small wonder that " he turned into such a big ham, you could stuff him with clove.
" (guffawing) Now, that is not funny.
It's not funny at all.
No, sir.
I think we'd better read this novel from beginning to end right now.
I want the whole thing, the whole thing.
I want to read the whole thing.
Makes a nice fire, doesn't it? Uh-huh.
Well, hi, everybody.
RICKY: Hi.
Hello.
Hello.
How come you got a fire on a nice day like this? Well, it makes it so comfy-like.
There's nothing like a good book and a roaring fire.
(Ethel laughing) You mean a good book in a roaring fire.
That's more like it.
Yeah.
(chuckling) What are you three up to? We pulled down the kitchen blind and changed the name of your novel to Forever Ember.
You didn't.
Well, the three little snoopers.
I trust you didn't have too much trouble finding it.
Well, it wasn't easy.
First of all, we had to make ourselves think the way you do.
That was an accomplishment in itself.
You know, the way that you wrote about the Mertzes and me is really something.
"A great difference in our ages.
" Huh! "Funny old coot.
" "I'm such a ham, I should go lie down between two pieces of rye bread.
" My book isn't even published yet and already I'm being misquoted.
Thanks to us, your book will never be published.
But don't worry, it went out in a blaze of glory.
Yep, you wrote a red-hot novel.
(chuckling): That's where I got "A blaze of glory.
" "A red-hot novel.
" "A blaze of glory.
" That's You're all very smug, aren't you? If I'd known the type of people that I was dealing with, I'd have made a carbon copy.
Yes, that would have been very clever.
Yes.
Mm.
As a matter of fact, I do know the type of people that I'm dealing with.
Pardon me.
Pardon me, please.
Pardon.
Pardon me, please.
Pardon.
Pardon me.
Pardon, please.
Let's see.
I think that's all.
One, two, three- yes.
Not counting the one that I sent to Dorrance & Company Publishers.
See you around the bookstores.
Oh, darn it! (door slamming) Don't tell me you've been down there looking for that mailman again.
Yes, I have.
You'd think he'd be early just this once when he knows that I'm waiting for a letter from my publisher.
Lucy, you really don't think anyone's gonna publish that book of yours, do you? You don't, do you? If I had the slightest idea that anyone would ever consider it, I'd be down at the publisher's with my lawyer right now.
You wait.
You'll eat those words.
If anybody ever publishes that book, I'll eat my hat.
(doorbell buzzing) Oh Registered letter.
Dorrance & Dorrance Publishers! Will you sign here, please? Please.
Yeah.
Oh.
Thank you.
Thank you.
It's here! It's here! This is it.
I got it.
They din't.
Oh, "din't" they? They're gonna publish my book and they sent me a hundred- dollar advance royalty! Be my guest.
(crunching) (crunching) Darlings, wait till you hear! I had the most wonderful idea for a sequel to my first novel.
It's all about a little boy who runs away from a plantation in Cuba.
I'm calling it Sugarcane Mutiny.
Sweet.
Lucy? Yes, sir.
We have something to say to you.
Yes, darling? Fred and Ethel and I just had a conference.
Oh.
Nothing personal, dear, but we're suing you for libel.
You're suing me?! For every cent I've got.
Well, I can't believe it.
You're suing me- your wife, your best friend? Yup.
We three are suing little old loveable, libelous Lucy.
Well, if that's the way you feel about it.
Too bad, though, considering I was going to split the royalties four ways.
FRED: Split the royalties?! Yes, yes.
I was saving that as sort of a surprise.
Lucy, you know darn well that that never occurred to you until you found out that we were going to sue.
Well, that was a surprise.
ETHEL: I still say sue her.
Sue her! Oh, sewer, sewer! Get your mind out of the gutter! I don't want my name in that book.
Ethel, just think of the money.
Why, your share alone might be $50,000.
Yeah, what's the matter with you, Ethel? It sounds all right to me.
Why, Fred, where's your pride? Remember, she called you an old coot.
Listen, she can call me anything she likes for $50,000 Honestly! I'm in for a fourth, Lucy.
Well, this friend, neighbor and mother is not.
Neither is the Cuban ham.
(doorbell buzzing) Well! Yes? Mrs.
Ricardo? Yes, sir? I'm Mr.
Dorrance of Dorrance & Company.
Oh! How do you do, Mr.
Dorrance? Oh, I'm so happy to see you.
Oh, this is Mr.
Dorrance, my publisher.
How do you do? Mr.
and Mrs.
Mertz.
How are you? And this is my husband, Mr.
Ricardo.
How do you do? Mr.
Dorrance, my publisher.
Won't you sit down, sir? Thank you.
Oh, excuse me.
Oh, Mr.
Dorrance, this is such a surprise.
I'm so pleased to meet you.
It certainly is a wonderful thrill to have my book published for the first time.
Well, Mrs.
Ricardo, ordinarily, I don't handle these things myself.
But in your case, I thought I ought to come out and talk to you myself.
Oh, really? Yes.
Mrs.
Ricardo, last week my secretary got married.
Oh.
Well, congratulations.
Thank you.
Anyway, for the last few days, she hasn't had her mind on her work, and somehow, she got your name on someone else's manuscript.
You mean she made a mistake? That's right.
And when I wrote to you, asking to publish your novel, I was referring to someone else's work entirely.
Oh.
I was just sick when I found out about it, so I sat down and read your novel.
I know how disheartening this is to someone who is just starting to write, and I can't tell you how sorry I am that it happened.
Oh, well, then this means you won't be publishing? I'm sorry, but it isn't quite what we're looking for right now.
Oh.
Well, I-I guess you want your check back, then.
No, please.
We'd like you to keep it for all of the heartaches we've given you.
Oh, no.
No, I couldn't accept it.
I wish you would.
Oh, no.
I couldn't.
Well, I could accept $25 of it.
Well, good-bye.
Uh thank you for coming over, Mr.
Dorrance.
I'm awfully sorry.
It's all right.
Good-bye.
Thank you.
Oh, honey, don't feel so bad.
What does he know? Oh, sure.
You wrote a wonderful novel full of true-to-life characters.
RICKY: Yeah.
Yeah, come to think of it, I really am a funny old coot.
Sure he is.
Sure.
Sure.
Come on, honey, cry or something.
Don't just stand there looking like that.
I can't take it.
I can't cry.
This is deeper than tears.
Oh, now, wait till you write your second novel.
Why, Mr.
Dorrance will come crawling to buy it.
Yeah! FRED: Sure, yeah, sure.
There'll be no second novel.
My voice has been stilled.
Aw, honey, don't cry.
Well, make up your mind.
You want me to cry or don't you? I mean, it's nothing to get so upset and sad about.
I'm not sad for myself.
I'm sad for the world.
Mankind will never benefit from these immortal pages.
It isn't my loss, it's a loss to civilization.
Too bad, world.
Too bad, mankind.
Sorry, book of the month.
You had your chance, Bennett Cerf! You'll get no more books from me, so go watch television! Ricky, will you write a note to the milkman for me? Sure.
Why don't you do it? Please, I'm not writing anything again as long as I live.
What do you want me to say? Two quarts of milk and a pint of cream.
Okay.
(phone ringing) Hello.
Oh, hello, Mr.
Dorrance.
You did? You do? Oh, yes, sir.
First thing in the morning.
Yes, sir.
Yes, sir.
Mr.
Mel Eaton.
E-a-t-o-n.
Yes, sir.
Plaza 5-2-0-9-9.
Oh, yes.
Yes, sir, I will.
First thing in the morning.
Oh, and thank you, sir.
Good-bye.
Ricky, that was Mr.
Dorrance, my publisher, and he talked to a friend of his who's a publisher and he told this friend about my book and he wants to see it.
He thinks he can use it.
Oh, honey, that's wonderful.
Isn't it great? Wait a minute.
You tor What's the matter? You tore up every copy you had.
Oh, well, we'll have to glue one back together again.
Where is it? I just took the trash down to the basement.
Oh, Ricky, no! I didn't know that Hey, you want to go to What time does Fred burn the trash? Uh, uh, he's burning it right now.
No! No, Fred! What's the matter? Fred, hold everything! Fred! Hold everything! Fred, hold everything! What's the matter? Have you burned the trash yet? I just started.
Which one did you put it in, Ricky? I- I put it in one of these.
Well, which one?! I don't know.
They all look the same to me.
Don't just stand there, start looking! Okay.
Wait a minute, wait a minute, will you? What the Sam Hill's going on here? Another publisher wants to publish Lucy's novel, and it's all in the trash, all torn-up pieces.
Oh, this is the silliest thing I ever heard of.
Pawing through trash from all the apartments trying to find two or three bits of paper! Well, don't just stand there, start looking! Come on! Want to try that there, huh? RICKY: No, that's not it.
No.
Oh, that fits there.
This goes right there.
Another one from here? These must go over on the other side.
Take a look over there, will you? Let's try it.
(Ricky grunts) "Poor thing.
" Well, that's 32.
I'm ready for 33.
I've got it here- everything but one little piece.
Ethel.
Huh? See if you can find one that fits this, will you? What's it supposed to say? Oh, right here.
I got So far, I got "I thought about it at night "before going to bed, as I sat there, brushing my " What follows, Lucy? Naturally red hair.
"Naturally red hair"? Why, I threw that away.
I didn't think that came from Lucy's book.
Oh, come on, get it out of there and bring it over here.
I'll try and find it.
I think I can find it.
Here it is! ETHEL: He's got it.
Oh, good.
(stifling sneeze) LUCY: Ricky, don't sneeze! ETHEL: Oh, no! Oh, no, Ricky.
Ricky, don't sneeze! Don't sneeze! No, no! Honey, don't sneeze.
Whatever you do, don't sneeze.
Okay.
(stifling sneeze) Oh, hang on.
Take it easy, kid.
Hang on.
Take it easy.
Ah, that's my boy.
I knew you could do it.
Okay, I got that page for you, honey.
You're the wonderful Look out, honey! (loud sneeze) Oh, honey! Lucy! I'm sorry, Mr.
Eaton, but a $10,000 advance will not be sufficient.
Huh? Oh, Mr.
Eaton.
Why do you have on your pajamas? Honey, it's me, Ricky.
Wake up.
Oh.
Oh.
Haven't you gone to bed yet? No.
I have to retype this so it'll be neat.
(typing) Honey, it's 9:30 in the morning! You said you were coming right to bed.
Come on, honey.
You got to get some rest.
Come on, sweetheart, honey.
What's the matter? She's supposed to see Mr.
Eaton early this morning.
Well, she wanted to Yeah, I got to call Mr.
Eaton.
I have to call Mr.
Eaton right now.
ETHEL: What happened to her? RICKY: Well, she wanted to retype the novel so it'd look neat, and she sat up all night and typed the whole thing over again.
Oh, no.
RICKY: She hasn't gone to bed yet.
(phone ringing) Hello.
Oh, may I speak to Mr.
Eaton, please? This is Mr.
Eaton speaking.
Oh, Mr.
Eaton, This is Mrs.
Ricardo.
I was supposed to bring a novel down to you this morning.
Can I still come down? Is it too late? Why, of course, Mrs.
Ricardo.
Come down any time you like.
Oh, thank you, sir.
Oh, uh, Mrs.
Ricardo Yes, sir? Did Mr.
Dorrance tell you how I wanted to use it? How's that? Mr.
Dorrance, did he tell you how I wanted to use it? No, sir.
Well, I'd like very much to print portions of it in a textbook I'm preparing on how to write a novel.
Oh! Oh, he wants to print portions of it in a textbook on how to write a novel.
Go on, Mr.
Eaton.
Well, I-I wish Mr.
Dorrance had mentioned this to you, but, uh it'll head up the chapter entitled "Don't let this happen to you.
" Uh, it's going to head up the chapter entitled "Don't let this happen to you.
" (laughing) (wailing) ("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) ANNOUNCER: I Love Lucy is a Desilu Production.
Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.
What are you doing? Writing a novel.
Oh.
I brought back the magazine I A novel?! Yeah.
I found this in the paper this morning.
"Housewife wins $10,000 prize for first novel.
" Need I say more? Yes.
Well, I'm a housewife.
Oh, well, I think it takes a little more than that to write a novel.
What are you going to write about? I'm writing about things I know.
That won't be a novel, that'll be a short story.
One more remark like that and I'll kill you off in chapter one.
Oh, am I going to be in it? Sure.
We all are- you, Ricky, Fred, me- not under our own names, of course.
Now then (sighs) What are you doing? I'm studying you.
Huh? Ethel, what makes you tick? Tick? What makes you you? Me me? Yeah.
Lucy, I don't think I'm going to like this.
Ethel, you don't seem to realize what this means.
My novel may turn out to be another Gone With The Wind.
If it does, that makes you Scarlett O'Hara.
Me?! Yeah.
Oh.
Well, if you want to know what I'm really like, I'm deeper than most people think.
On the surface, I'm carefree and happy, but deep down inside, I'm intense and moody.
I'm sensitive.
I feel things.
What's the matter, Ethel? You got a stomachache? Well, if it isn't Rhett Butler.
Why don't you find out what makes him tick? He creaks a little, too.
What's going on in this booby hatch? "Booby hatch"! That's good.
I'll use it.
Ethel, what is all this? Lucy's writing a novel, and we're all gonna be in it! You mean she's writing a novel this very minute? Yeah.
No kidding? Yeah.
Well, well What's going on? Lucy's writing a novel.
Oh.
What?! She's writing a novel, and we're all in it.
Are you kidding? You're really writing a novel? Yes, and I'm glad you're up.
There are a few questions I'd like to put to you.
All right put.
What was your reaction when you came to this country for the first time? "A lonely immigrant arriving in New York Harbor on a cattle boat.
" You crazy or something? You know darn well I came here by plane- from Havana to Miami Beach- and I wasn't lonely; I had 14 musicians with me.
Not in my book, you didn't.
"As your leaky Cuban cattle boat steamed into New York Harbor, "tears cascaded down your cheeks "as you saw the Statue of Liberty for the first time.
"You clutched your knapsack to you- "your pitiful little bundle "that contained all your worldly belongings- "and you wept unashamedly.
"You made a vow "that someday you would be a famous orchestra leader.
"You promised yourself Wait a minute.
Wait, wait! "that never Wait, wait! Wait, wait! never would you " Wait, wait, wait.
Is this the kind of stuff you're writing about? Yeah.
Pretty good, huh? But, honey, it isn't true.
Ricky, that's what writers do.
They take the truth and twist it a little.
Well, if your book doesn't sell, you can always get a job making pretzels.
I think we'd better take a look at what she's writing about.
Yeah, I want to see how she's twisting me.
Yeah.
Just a moment.
A writer's work is sacred.
You can read it when it becomes a best seller.
And now, if you'll excuse me, the muse calls, and I must answer.
Yep, it's not here.
Well, I can't find it.
ETHEL: It's not in here.
Well, we looked all over this place and the other room.
Let's go and look in the kitchen.
All right.
Okay.
It's got to be here someplace.
Fred, if you were Lucy's novel, where would you go? Oh, I'd run down in the basement and jump in the furnace.
Aah, come on, this is silly.
It's got to be here someplace.
RICKY: Look under the sink, will you? Oh, okay.
I'll give you some light.
FRED: Yeah, that'll help.
I got it! What? What? She had it in the blind! She had it up there in the blind! Oh, my heavens.
Oh, God, come on In the blind.
Oh, boy.
How cute can you be? Now we'll get this all straightened out here.
Listen to this.
I got the title.
Real Gone With The Wind.
Real gone.
(guffawing) Don't you love that.
Here's the first page.
"Now it can be told for the first time "how I, Lucille Mcgillicuddy, "gave up a brilliant career in the theater "to marry a poor and unknown bongo player "This, then, will be the story "of one of the brightest lights in show business and how she dimmed her bulb.
" Oh, brother! (guffawing) "Dimmed her bulb!" Wait a minute.
Wait, I got something here.
Listen to this.
"Later, we moved to an apartment on East 68th Street.
"It was there that I met Ethel Nurtz, our landlady.
Ethel Nurtz? That must be misspelled.
No, she said she wasn't gonna use our real names.
Well, nobody'd know who Ethel Nurtz is.
Oh, no.
No.
Let me go on here.
Get the rest of it.
"It was there I met our landlady, Ethel Nurtz.
"We became the very best of friends "in spite of the great difference in our ages.
"As the years went along, "I came to think of her not just as a friend, not just as a neighbor, but as a mother.
" A mother?! It says so! (laughing uncontrollably) I don't think that's so funny.
Oh, no, I think it's kind of good.
Go ahead and laugh.
(laughing) (laughing) Well, ha-ha-ha, listen to this.
"A colorful character in our neighborhood was a funny old coot named Fred Nurtz.
" Shall I go on? No.
Go on.
"He was really a nice person if you had the time and energy "to look beneath his rough and grumpy exterior.
"The best thing about Fred was that when you met him, you understood why Ethel was like she was.
" What does that mean? I don't know, but I'll bet it's insulting.
Yeah.
Now, come on, don't be such bad sports.
You're being too sensitive.
Oh, we're being sensitive.
Sure.
Wait till you get to the part Go on, find something about yourself.
Yeah, let's get a page We'll see how sensitive you are.
Okay.
"Mother," "difference in our ages.
" Whoo.
Here's something.
Here's something right here.
"The greatest day of my life "was the day I was married to Nicky Nicardo.
Nick Nicky Nicardo? I wonder who she means.
Oh, I wouldn't know.
"Although Nicky was an unknown when I married him " (clears throat) " he soon became one of the country's leading Latin-American entertainers.
" That doesn't make me mad.
No, no.
Shouldn't.
"His voice charmed millions.
His guitar-playing made women swoon.
" You know, she writes very well.
"His voice charmed millions.
"His guitar-playing made women swoon.
So it was a small wonder that " Where's page 12? Page 12.
Let's find it.
I got it.
I got it.
Good.
What did that say? "His voice charmed millions.
"His guitar-playing made women swoon.
"So it was a small wonder that " he turned into such a big ham, you could stuff him with clove.
" (guffawing) Now, that is not funny.
It's not funny at all.
No, sir.
I think we'd better read this novel from beginning to end right now.
I want the whole thing, the whole thing.
I want to read the whole thing.
Makes a nice fire, doesn't it? Uh-huh.
Well, hi, everybody.
RICKY: Hi.
Hello.
Hello.
How come you got a fire on a nice day like this? Well, it makes it so comfy-like.
There's nothing like a good book and a roaring fire.
(Ethel laughing) You mean a good book in a roaring fire.
That's more like it.
Yeah.
(chuckling) What are you three up to? We pulled down the kitchen blind and changed the name of your novel to Forever Ember.
You didn't.
Well, the three little snoopers.
I trust you didn't have too much trouble finding it.
Well, it wasn't easy.
First of all, we had to make ourselves think the way you do.
That was an accomplishment in itself.
You know, the way that you wrote about the Mertzes and me is really something.
"A great difference in our ages.
" Huh! "Funny old coot.
" "I'm such a ham, I should go lie down between two pieces of rye bread.
" My book isn't even published yet and already I'm being misquoted.
Thanks to us, your book will never be published.
But don't worry, it went out in a blaze of glory.
Yep, you wrote a red-hot novel.
(chuckling): That's where I got "A blaze of glory.
" "A red-hot novel.
" "A blaze of glory.
" That's You're all very smug, aren't you? If I'd known the type of people that I was dealing with, I'd have made a carbon copy.
Yes, that would have been very clever.
Yes.
Mm.
As a matter of fact, I do know the type of people that I'm dealing with.
Pardon me.
Pardon me, please.
Pardon.
Pardon me, please.
Pardon.
Pardon me.
Pardon, please.
Let's see.
I think that's all.
One, two, three- yes.
Not counting the one that I sent to Dorrance & Company Publishers.
See you around the bookstores.
Oh, darn it! (door slamming) Don't tell me you've been down there looking for that mailman again.
Yes, I have.
You'd think he'd be early just this once when he knows that I'm waiting for a letter from my publisher.
Lucy, you really don't think anyone's gonna publish that book of yours, do you? You don't, do you? If I had the slightest idea that anyone would ever consider it, I'd be down at the publisher's with my lawyer right now.
You wait.
You'll eat those words.
If anybody ever publishes that book, I'll eat my hat.
(doorbell buzzing) Oh Registered letter.
Dorrance & Dorrance Publishers! Will you sign here, please? Please.
Yeah.
Oh.
Thank you.
Thank you.
It's here! It's here! This is it.
I got it.
They din't.
Oh, "din't" they? They're gonna publish my book and they sent me a hundred- dollar advance royalty! Be my guest.
(crunching) (crunching) Darlings, wait till you hear! I had the most wonderful idea for a sequel to my first novel.
It's all about a little boy who runs away from a plantation in Cuba.
I'm calling it Sugarcane Mutiny.
Sweet.
Lucy? Yes, sir.
We have something to say to you.
Yes, darling? Fred and Ethel and I just had a conference.
Oh.
Nothing personal, dear, but we're suing you for libel.
You're suing me?! For every cent I've got.
Well, I can't believe it.
You're suing me- your wife, your best friend? Yup.
We three are suing little old loveable, libelous Lucy.
Well, if that's the way you feel about it.
Too bad, though, considering I was going to split the royalties four ways.
FRED: Split the royalties?! Yes, yes.
I was saving that as sort of a surprise.
Lucy, you know darn well that that never occurred to you until you found out that we were going to sue.
Well, that was a surprise.
ETHEL: I still say sue her.
Sue her! Oh, sewer, sewer! Get your mind out of the gutter! I don't want my name in that book.
Ethel, just think of the money.
Why, your share alone might be $50,000.
Yeah, what's the matter with you, Ethel? It sounds all right to me.
Why, Fred, where's your pride? Remember, she called you an old coot.
Listen, she can call me anything she likes for $50,000 Honestly! I'm in for a fourth, Lucy.
Well, this friend, neighbor and mother is not.
Neither is the Cuban ham.
(doorbell buzzing) Well! Yes? Mrs.
Ricardo? Yes, sir? I'm Mr.
Dorrance of Dorrance & Company.
Oh! How do you do, Mr.
Dorrance? Oh, I'm so happy to see you.
Oh, this is Mr.
Dorrance, my publisher.
How do you do? Mr.
and Mrs.
Mertz.
How are you? And this is my husband, Mr.
Ricardo.
How do you do? Mr.
Dorrance, my publisher.
Won't you sit down, sir? Thank you.
Oh, excuse me.
Oh, Mr.
Dorrance, this is such a surprise.
I'm so pleased to meet you.
It certainly is a wonderful thrill to have my book published for the first time.
Well, Mrs.
Ricardo, ordinarily, I don't handle these things myself.
But in your case, I thought I ought to come out and talk to you myself.
Oh, really? Yes.
Mrs.
Ricardo, last week my secretary got married.
Oh.
Well, congratulations.
Thank you.
Anyway, for the last few days, she hasn't had her mind on her work, and somehow, she got your name on someone else's manuscript.
You mean she made a mistake? That's right.
And when I wrote to you, asking to publish your novel, I was referring to someone else's work entirely.
Oh.
I was just sick when I found out about it, so I sat down and read your novel.
I know how disheartening this is to someone who is just starting to write, and I can't tell you how sorry I am that it happened.
Oh, well, then this means you won't be publishing? I'm sorry, but it isn't quite what we're looking for right now.
Oh.
Well, I-I guess you want your check back, then.
No, please.
We'd like you to keep it for all of the heartaches we've given you.
Oh, no.
No, I couldn't accept it.
I wish you would.
Oh, no.
I couldn't.
Well, I could accept $25 of it.
Well, good-bye.
Uh thank you for coming over, Mr.
Dorrance.
I'm awfully sorry.
It's all right.
Good-bye.
Thank you.
Oh, honey, don't feel so bad.
What does he know? Oh, sure.
You wrote a wonderful novel full of true-to-life characters.
RICKY: Yeah.
Yeah, come to think of it, I really am a funny old coot.
Sure he is.
Sure.
Sure.
Come on, honey, cry or something.
Don't just stand there looking like that.
I can't take it.
I can't cry.
This is deeper than tears.
Oh, now, wait till you write your second novel.
Why, Mr.
Dorrance will come crawling to buy it.
Yeah! FRED: Sure, yeah, sure.
There'll be no second novel.
My voice has been stilled.
Aw, honey, don't cry.
Well, make up your mind.
You want me to cry or don't you? I mean, it's nothing to get so upset and sad about.
I'm not sad for myself.
I'm sad for the world.
Mankind will never benefit from these immortal pages.
It isn't my loss, it's a loss to civilization.
Too bad, world.
Too bad, mankind.
Sorry, book of the month.
You had your chance, Bennett Cerf! You'll get no more books from me, so go watch television! Ricky, will you write a note to the milkman for me? Sure.
Why don't you do it? Please, I'm not writing anything again as long as I live.
What do you want me to say? Two quarts of milk and a pint of cream.
Okay.
(phone ringing) Hello.
Oh, hello, Mr.
Dorrance.
You did? You do? Oh, yes, sir.
First thing in the morning.
Yes, sir.
Yes, sir.
Mr.
Mel Eaton.
E-a-t-o-n.
Yes, sir.
Plaza 5-2-0-9-9.
Oh, yes.
Yes, sir, I will.
First thing in the morning.
Oh, and thank you, sir.
Good-bye.
Ricky, that was Mr.
Dorrance, my publisher, and he talked to a friend of his who's a publisher and he told this friend about my book and he wants to see it.
He thinks he can use it.
Oh, honey, that's wonderful.
Isn't it great? Wait a minute.
You tor What's the matter? You tore up every copy you had.
Oh, well, we'll have to glue one back together again.
Where is it? I just took the trash down to the basement.
Oh, Ricky, no! I didn't know that Hey, you want to go to What time does Fred burn the trash? Uh, uh, he's burning it right now.
No! No, Fred! What's the matter? Fred, hold everything! Fred! Hold everything! Fred, hold everything! What's the matter? Have you burned the trash yet? I just started.
Which one did you put it in, Ricky? I- I put it in one of these.
Well, which one?! I don't know.
They all look the same to me.
Don't just stand there, start looking! Okay.
Wait a minute, wait a minute, will you? What the Sam Hill's going on here? Another publisher wants to publish Lucy's novel, and it's all in the trash, all torn-up pieces.
Oh, this is the silliest thing I ever heard of.
Pawing through trash from all the apartments trying to find two or three bits of paper! Well, don't just stand there, start looking! Come on! Want to try that there, huh? RICKY: No, that's not it.
No.
Oh, that fits there.
This goes right there.
Another one from here? These must go over on the other side.
Take a look over there, will you? Let's try it.
(Ricky grunts) "Poor thing.
" Well, that's 32.
I'm ready for 33.
I've got it here- everything but one little piece.
Ethel.
Huh? See if you can find one that fits this, will you? What's it supposed to say? Oh, right here.
I got So far, I got "I thought about it at night "before going to bed, as I sat there, brushing my " What follows, Lucy? Naturally red hair.
"Naturally red hair"? Why, I threw that away.
I didn't think that came from Lucy's book.
Oh, come on, get it out of there and bring it over here.
I'll try and find it.
I think I can find it.
Here it is! ETHEL: He's got it.
Oh, good.
(stifling sneeze) LUCY: Ricky, don't sneeze! ETHEL: Oh, no! Oh, no, Ricky.
Ricky, don't sneeze! Don't sneeze! No, no! Honey, don't sneeze.
Whatever you do, don't sneeze.
Okay.
(stifling sneeze) Oh, hang on.
Take it easy, kid.
Hang on.
Take it easy.
Ah, that's my boy.
I knew you could do it.
Okay, I got that page for you, honey.
You're the wonderful Look out, honey! (loud sneeze) Oh, honey! Lucy! I'm sorry, Mr.
Eaton, but a $10,000 advance will not be sufficient.
Huh? Oh, Mr.
Eaton.
Why do you have on your pajamas? Honey, it's me, Ricky.
Wake up.
Oh.
Oh.
Haven't you gone to bed yet? No.
I have to retype this so it'll be neat.
(typing) Honey, it's 9:30 in the morning! You said you were coming right to bed.
Come on, honey.
You got to get some rest.
Come on, sweetheart, honey.
What's the matter? She's supposed to see Mr.
Eaton early this morning.
Well, she wanted to Yeah, I got to call Mr.
Eaton.
I have to call Mr.
Eaton right now.
ETHEL: What happened to her? RICKY: Well, she wanted to retype the novel so it'd look neat, and she sat up all night and typed the whole thing over again.
Oh, no.
RICKY: She hasn't gone to bed yet.
(phone ringing) Hello.
Oh, may I speak to Mr.
Eaton, please? This is Mr.
Eaton speaking.
Oh, Mr.
Eaton, This is Mrs.
Ricardo.
I was supposed to bring a novel down to you this morning.
Can I still come down? Is it too late? Why, of course, Mrs.
Ricardo.
Come down any time you like.
Oh, thank you, sir.
Oh, uh, Mrs.
Ricardo Yes, sir? Did Mr.
Dorrance tell you how I wanted to use it? How's that? Mr.
Dorrance, did he tell you how I wanted to use it? No, sir.
Well, I'd like very much to print portions of it in a textbook I'm preparing on how to write a novel.
Oh! Oh, he wants to print portions of it in a textbook on how to write a novel.
Go on, Mr.
Eaton.
Well, I-I wish Mr.
Dorrance had mentioned this to you, but, uh it'll head up the chapter entitled "Don't let this happen to you.
" Uh, it's going to head up the chapter entitled "Don't let this happen to you.
" (laughing) (wailing) ("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) ANNOUNCER: I Love Lucy is a Desilu Production.
Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.