I Think You Should Leave with Tim Robinson (2019) s01e02 Episode Script
Thanks For Thinking They Are Cool
1
Ohhh!
Whoa!
That's a nice motorcycle.
All right!
Wow!
Beautiful motorcycle!
Yes! Yeah!
Motorcycle with no motor?
Okay!
What the heck?
Two motorcycles with a little house
in the middle?
Wow, dude!
Wow!
Well?
Yeah, guys there's motorcycles.
Yeah!
And there's a lot of other stuff, too.
There it is.
It's got a
It's got a little house in it.
Come on, it's got a little house in it.
Yeah!
Yeah!
Yes!
River Mountain High is sponsored
by TC Topps TC Tuggers Shirts,
the only shirt with a tugging knob.
Hey. Am I seeing you tonight?
I don't know, Brandon.
I shouldn't even be talking to you.
What's going on?
You've been avoiding me all week.
You're hiding something.
What happened that night with Riley?
Look, I told you, we got in a fight,
and she stormed off.
That was the last I saw of her.
Then why did Tyler see her
in your car at 2:00 a.m.?
Oh, God, Tyler! Tyler's a freak.
Everybody knows that.
He may be weird, but at least
he didn't beat up Matt Simms
in the locker room in front of everyone.
Okay.
Look you can't say anything, but
All right, you two, get to class.
The bell already rang.
You can't be in the hall
when the bell rang. The bell already rang.
Sorry, Principal S.
That's okay.
That's a cool shirt.
Yeah, it's a TC Topp from TC Tuggers,
the only shirt that's got
a little knob on the front
so you can just pull it out
when it gets trapped on your belly.
It's very cool.
Yeah, I was doing this all the time,
and the wear and tear
was wrecking my regular shirts.
But TC Tuggers
has this little knob on the front
so you don't wreck your shirt,
or hurt your hand.
Yeah, that makes sense.
Yeah, you know what I mean?
'Cause when you go through the day,
your shirt gets kind of bunched up,
so I was wrecking my shirts
'cause I was pulling them out
subconsciously,
but this has that knob,
so you can just do it easily.
- Awesome. Well, we'll get to class.
- But they're not a joke.
- What?
- You don't make jokes about 'em,
TC Tuggers.
You don't wear 'em as a joke,
you don't give 'em as a joke gift,
or wear them ironically,
or do pub crawls in 'em like the Snuggie.
They're not like the Snuggie.
Do they come in other styles?
Not really.
Hey, cool hair, Dave.
Thank you. I know.
He's so comfortable in his skin.
You've been wearing a toupee for years,
but you're tired of living a lie.
You're ready to accept the real you,
but you're in too deep.
You can't go from hair to bald in one day.
Hey, Dave.
- Dave?
- Oh, my God, Dave.
You're all-the-way bald.
What happened to the head of hair
you had yesterday?
Uh
Was that a toupee, you piece of shit?
Dang it.
Well, now you can ween yourself
off your toupee gently
with Wilson's natural hair-loss system.
It's easy. When you sign up,
Wilson's will send 500 little wigs,
each one balder than the last.
Every 17 hours, replace your hairpiece
with the next most bald one.
But what if you don't have 52 weeks?
You need to be bald right now.
Wilson's has the solution for you.
For the same price,
we can get you bald in one day
with Wilson's natural Fake Gorilla Attack
hair-removal system.
Wilson's will send a fake gorilla
to a public place of your choosing
to rip your entire hair clean off.
Oh, my God, a gorilla!
That chimp stole my hair!
Wilson's. Now you can be
the life of the party.
- Ow!
- What the hell are you doing?
You poked my wife in both eyes.
Oh, my God, a gorilla!
That's my real hair!
Baby, baby, baby, ba-ba-bay ♪
Mm, baby, baby, ba-ba-bay ♪
Here he comes.
Sorry I'm late, everyone.
It's very rude of me. I apologize.
Oh, my God, I farted.
Um
Sorry about that, everyone.
Could you excuse me for a second?
I have to figure out what's going on.
What the heck?
There's a pink bag on my chair?
Yeah, it's just a whoopee cushion.
It's a prank.
- On me?
- No, it
- You know, it's just a joke.
- What's the joke, exactly?
What do you mean?
My farts don't sound anything like that.
My farts are long
and way louder.
And they reek.
So, what's the joke?
That I had a milder fart
than I normally do?
That nobody's puking from my fart?
Is that the joke?
That I farted and no one barfed?
'Cause that's pretty funny, actually.
That'd be a great day for me.
That'd be a great day for me,
if I farted and nobody barfed.
That's not the joke.
It was just like
you know, what if you farted?
I think we covered
what would happen if I farted, Jane.
You'd throw up your pretty little lunch.
Okay, everyone, I think it's time
to start the meeting.
The whoopee cushion thing was stupid.
Uh, Dana, you wanna bring us up to speed
on what's happening
in the Midwest division?
Can I just ask
what's next?
- Just so I know, what's next?
- Sorry?
Cake batter in my pants,
and make it look like I cum in my pants?
What are you talking about?
What's the next joke?
Meatball down my leg, make it look like
my ball sack ripped open?
Brown pie in my undies,
make it look like I shit my pants?
Brown pudding in my shoes,
make it look like
I shooted diarrhea down my leg?
Make me think I'm mighty sick?
I'm rushed to the hospital,
and there for hours,
and I miss my family photo tonight.
Is that the joke?
That I miss my family photo tonight?
Nobody wants you to miss
your family photos.
Then what's the joke?
That while I'm on the operating table,
a man is rushed in
'cause he was in a car accident,
and he has a metal bolt through his head,
but he bleeds out in the waiting room
because the doctors are too busy
trying to shove two meatballs
in my scrotum
and cake batter back in my penis?
Is that the joke
on the man's widow?
You got her, Jane.
You really got her.
This is a betrayal on levels
that no one's ever seen!
Permission to go home,
lie down and watch some TV,
and rest up so my face isn't beet red
for my family photo tonight?
Yes, yes.
Thank you.
- Previously on River Mountain High
- You're hiding something.
What happened that night with Riley?
- That's a cool shirt.
- Yeah, it's a TC Topp from TC Tuggers.
- Do they come in other styles?
- Not really.
No, yeah, the style is just
Is just basically this.
Well, thanks, Principal S.
Yeah. Yeah, thank you
for asking about the shirt
and thinking it's cool, TC Tuggers.
Yeah, I gotta go.
Bye, Brandon.
Think about what I said about TC Tuggers.
Bye, Claire.
So, what happened with Riley?
One, two, three
Now we're playing with the big boys ♪
Gonna take it to the street now
We're gonna make a big noise ♪
Are you ready for this? ♪
Are you ready for this? ♪
Are you ready for this now? ♪
Are you ready for this? ♪
Are you ready for this? ♪
Coach is so much nicer
on international flights.
I hope they have good movies.
Not me, I'm going right to sleep.
Going on a big vacation?
Uh, yeah, it's actually our honeymoon.
Ah!
Planning on relaxing?
Mm-hm.
Yeah. You want everything to be perfect.
Yeah, we've actually been looking forward
to this for a really long time, so
Sure you have, yeah.
Yeah.
Is there anything
you're looking forward to doing?
Just all of it, pretty much.
Lots to do, yeah.
You're gonna need your energy.
Yeah. Yeah, I guess we are.
You know, you want to make it
your dream vacation.
Yep.
Are you going on a vacation, too?
Oh, no, no, not me.
Oh, business then, huh?
In a way.
Well, we should probably
get some shut-eye, so
Good. That sounds like a good idea, yeah.
Hush, little baby, don't say a word ♪
Mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird ♪
I'm I'm sorry, do I know you?
No
but I know you.
It was 1982.
I was 48, you were nine months.
We were on a flight from JFK to London.
Saw you immediately.
A baby on a seven-hour flight.
The first hour was bliss
then the crying started.
Small whimpers at first,
then came the shrieking.
Louder.
Louder.
Louder.
Till it filled the whole cabin.
When I arrived in London,
I was a shell of a man.
Broken.
You see, I had spent
my entire life savings to go to London
to see my beloved Buckingham Palace,
so I could see if I could make
those soldiers laugh.
Because of you, I was too tired
to do anything funny!
And I vowed from that day forward
that I would devote the rest of my life
to getting my revenge on you, little baby.
What are you saying?
Airline seats?
Seems like a crapshoot.
Well, not if you go through
someone's trash.
You went through my trash?
How do you think I got this?
Oh, my God, what is that?
- A rat bit me.
- Jesus!
It's not that gross.
And now, here we are
the stars aligned.
And now, I will exact my revenge.
I'm gonna cry
the whole flight.
Sir?
Sir?
- What?!
- You're in this man's seat.
No, I'm in my own seat.
I'll show you my ticket right here.
That's way back there.
- But can't I stay here?
- You can't just sit wherever.
You can at some concerts.
Sir, you're back there.
Shit! Shit!
Excuse me.
Oh, that's a good idea,
move in the direction
of where I'm heading.
Dumb piece of shit!
- Hey.
- Hey.
Ohhh!
Whoa!
That's a nice motorcycle.
All right!
Wow!
Beautiful motorcycle!
Yes! Yeah!
Motorcycle with no motor?
Okay!
What the heck?
Two motorcycles with a little house
in the middle?
Wow, dude!
Wow!
Well?
Yeah, guys there's motorcycles.
Yeah!
And there's a lot of other stuff, too.
There it is.
It's got a
It's got a little house in it.
Come on, it's got a little house in it.
Yeah!
Yeah!
Yes!
River Mountain High is sponsored
by TC Topps TC Tuggers Shirts,
the only shirt with a tugging knob.
Hey. Am I seeing you tonight?
I don't know, Brandon.
I shouldn't even be talking to you.
What's going on?
You've been avoiding me all week.
You're hiding something.
What happened that night with Riley?
Look, I told you, we got in a fight,
and she stormed off.
That was the last I saw of her.
Then why did Tyler see her
in your car at 2:00 a.m.?
Oh, God, Tyler! Tyler's a freak.
Everybody knows that.
He may be weird, but at least
he didn't beat up Matt Simms
in the locker room in front of everyone.
Okay.
Look you can't say anything, but
All right, you two, get to class.
The bell already rang.
You can't be in the hall
when the bell rang. The bell already rang.
Sorry, Principal S.
That's okay.
That's a cool shirt.
Yeah, it's a TC Topp from TC Tuggers,
the only shirt that's got
a little knob on the front
so you can just pull it out
when it gets trapped on your belly.
It's very cool.
Yeah, I was doing this all the time,
and the wear and tear
was wrecking my regular shirts.
But TC Tuggers
has this little knob on the front
so you don't wreck your shirt,
or hurt your hand.
Yeah, that makes sense.
Yeah, you know what I mean?
'Cause when you go through the day,
your shirt gets kind of bunched up,
so I was wrecking my shirts
'cause I was pulling them out
subconsciously,
but this has that knob,
so you can just do it easily.
- Awesome. Well, we'll get to class.
- But they're not a joke.
- What?
- You don't make jokes about 'em,
TC Tuggers.
You don't wear 'em as a joke,
you don't give 'em as a joke gift,
or wear them ironically,
or do pub crawls in 'em like the Snuggie.
They're not like the Snuggie.
Do they come in other styles?
Not really.
Hey, cool hair, Dave.
Thank you. I know.
He's so comfortable in his skin.
You've been wearing a toupee for years,
but you're tired of living a lie.
You're ready to accept the real you,
but you're in too deep.
You can't go from hair to bald in one day.
Hey, Dave.
- Dave?
- Oh, my God, Dave.
You're all-the-way bald.
What happened to the head of hair
you had yesterday?
Uh
Was that a toupee, you piece of shit?
Dang it.
Well, now you can ween yourself
off your toupee gently
with Wilson's natural hair-loss system.
It's easy. When you sign up,
Wilson's will send 500 little wigs,
each one balder than the last.
Every 17 hours, replace your hairpiece
with the next most bald one.
But what if you don't have 52 weeks?
You need to be bald right now.
Wilson's has the solution for you.
For the same price,
we can get you bald in one day
with Wilson's natural Fake Gorilla Attack
hair-removal system.
Wilson's will send a fake gorilla
to a public place of your choosing
to rip your entire hair clean off.
Oh, my God, a gorilla!
That chimp stole my hair!
Wilson's. Now you can be
the life of the party.
- Ow!
- What the hell are you doing?
You poked my wife in both eyes.
Oh, my God, a gorilla!
That's my real hair!
Baby, baby, baby, ba-ba-bay ♪
Mm, baby, baby, ba-ba-bay ♪
Here he comes.
Sorry I'm late, everyone.
It's very rude of me. I apologize.
Oh, my God, I farted.
Um
Sorry about that, everyone.
Could you excuse me for a second?
I have to figure out what's going on.
What the heck?
There's a pink bag on my chair?
Yeah, it's just a whoopee cushion.
It's a prank.
- On me?
- No, it
- You know, it's just a joke.
- What's the joke, exactly?
What do you mean?
My farts don't sound anything like that.
My farts are long
and way louder.
And they reek.
So, what's the joke?
That I had a milder fart
than I normally do?
That nobody's puking from my fart?
Is that the joke?
That I farted and no one barfed?
'Cause that's pretty funny, actually.
That'd be a great day for me.
That'd be a great day for me,
if I farted and nobody barfed.
That's not the joke.
It was just like
you know, what if you farted?
I think we covered
what would happen if I farted, Jane.
You'd throw up your pretty little lunch.
Okay, everyone, I think it's time
to start the meeting.
The whoopee cushion thing was stupid.
Uh, Dana, you wanna bring us up to speed
on what's happening
in the Midwest division?
Can I just ask
what's next?
- Just so I know, what's next?
- Sorry?
Cake batter in my pants,
and make it look like I cum in my pants?
What are you talking about?
What's the next joke?
Meatball down my leg, make it look like
my ball sack ripped open?
Brown pie in my undies,
make it look like I shit my pants?
Brown pudding in my shoes,
make it look like
I shooted diarrhea down my leg?
Make me think I'm mighty sick?
I'm rushed to the hospital,
and there for hours,
and I miss my family photo tonight.
Is that the joke?
That I miss my family photo tonight?
Nobody wants you to miss
your family photos.
Then what's the joke?
That while I'm on the operating table,
a man is rushed in
'cause he was in a car accident,
and he has a metal bolt through his head,
but he bleeds out in the waiting room
because the doctors are too busy
trying to shove two meatballs
in my scrotum
and cake batter back in my penis?
Is that the joke
on the man's widow?
You got her, Jane.
You really got her.
This is a betrayal on levels
that no one's ever seen!
Permission to go home,
lie down and watch some TV,
and rest up so my face isn't beet red
for my family photo tonight?
Yes, yes.
Thank you.
- Previously on River Mountain High
- You're hiding something.
What happened that night with Riley?
- That's a cool shirt.
- Yeah, it's a TC Topp from TC Tuggers.
- Do they come in other styles?
- Not really.
No, yeah, the style is just
Is just basically this.
Well, thanks, Principal S.
Yeah. Yeah, thank you
for asking about the shirt
and thinking it's cool, TC Tuggers.
Yeah, I gotta go.
Bye, Brandon.
Think about what I said about TC Tuggers.
Bye, Claire.
So, what happened with Riley?
One, two, three
Now we're playing with the big boys ♪
Gonna take it to the street now
We're gonna make a big noise ♪
Are you ready for this? ♪
Are you ready for this? ♪
Are you ready for this now? ♪
Are you ready for this? ♪
Are you ready for this? ♪
Coach is so much nicer
on international flights.
I hope they have good movies.
Not me, I'm going right to sleep.
Going on a big vacation?
Uh, yeah, it's actually our honeymoon.
Ah!
Planning on relaxing?
Mm-hm.
Yeah. You want everything to be perfect.
Yeah, we've actually been looking forward
to this for a really long time, so
Sure you have, yeah.
Yeah.
Is there anything
you're looking forward to doing?
Just all of it, pretty much.
Lots to do, yeah.
You're gonna need your energy.
Yeah. Yeah, I guess we are.
You know, you want to make it
your dream vacation.
Yep.
Are you going on a vacation, too?
Oh, no, no, not me.
Oh, business then, huh?
In a way.
Well, we should probably
get some shut-eye, so
Good. That sounds like a good idea, yeah.
Hush, little baby, don't say a word ♪
Mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird ♪
I'm I'm sorry, do I know you?
No
but I know you.
It was 1982.
I was 48, you were nine months.
We were on a flight from JFK to London.
Saw you immediately.
A baby on a seven-hour flight.
The first hour was bliss
then the crying started.
Small whimpers at first,
then came the shrieking.
Louder.
Louder.
Louder.
Till it filled the whole cabin.
When I arrived in London,
I was a shell of a man.
Broken.
You see, I had spent
my entire life savings to go to London
to see my beloved Buckingham Palace,
so I could see if I could make
those soldiers laugh.
Because of you, I was too tired
to do anything funny!
And I vowed from that day forward
that I would devote the rest of my life
to getting my revenge on you, little baby.
What are you saying?
Airline seats?
Seems like a crapshoot.
Well, not if you go through
someone's trash.
You went through my trash?
How do you think I got this?
Oh, my God, what is that?
- A rat bit me.
- Jesus!
It's not that gross.
And now, here we are
the stars aligned.
And now, I will exact my revenge.
I'm gonna cry
the whole flight.
Sir?
Sir?
- What?!
- You're in this man's seat.
No, I'm in my own seat.
I'll show you my ticket right here.
That's way back there.
- But can't I stay here?
- You can't just sit wherever.
You can at some concerts.
Sir, you're back there.
Shit! Shit!
Excuse me.
Oh, that's a good idea,
move in the direction
of where I'm heading.
Dumb piece of shit!
- Hey.
- Hey.