I Think You Should Leave with Tim Robinson (2019) s01e04 Episode Script
Oh Crap, A Bunch More Bad Stuff Just Happened
1
Oh, crap.
There's only one man who can save us now.
I better get to him before it's too late!
Ladies and gentlemen,
the president of the Marjorie Caldwell
Society of Arts and Music,
John Ballgram.
Good evening.
Tonight, we honor the life and the music
of Mr. Herbie Hancock,
and if we're lucky,
we might even get him to come up here
and play a little music for us.
But first, I do want to say,
just for anyone who's concerned
I don't think the dog that bit me
should get put down.
I know that's protocol when a person falls
and a dog bites them,
the dog gets put down
but I don't think the dog
should get put down,
because I know that's a service dog.
Otherwise,
why would it be allowed in here,
and why would it be wearing
that little blue shirt?
Okay, I just wanted to say that
so it didn't cloud
the rest of the evening.
The year is 1957,
on the mean streets of Chicago.
My dog didn't bite you.
What?
- My dog didn't try to bite you.
- It didn't what?
He was trying to hump your head.
It tried to bite me.
- It tried to bite the back of my hair off.
- It was humping you, dude.
Uh
Okay, Herbie can play.
Herbie can compose.
Herbie sees music in a
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, but, uh
What do you even have?
- What?
- What do you even have
that you have a service dog
that's allowed in here?
- That's really none of your business.
- That would be true
if your dog didn't try to bite
the back of my hair off.
- You know what happened.
- I don't.
And it's too bad we can't figure it out
'cause nobody has video or anything.
I took a video.
Oh fine.
- There's no way to watch it.
- Tech guy can plug it in right there.
Yeah!
Thanks, Herbie.
Cool. All right.
Okay, here I am. Here I am.
I'm walking up the stage.
There I trip a little on the stair.
And here comes a dog trying to bite me.
It's It's trying to bite me!
It's trying to rip my hair out.
What are you laughing at?
Oh, my God!
Are you saying that your dog
has blue balls now?
You said it humped me.
Well, it certainly didn't finish,
'cause look.
It's dry.
And you know what?
You don't tape people.
What is this society,
that we tape everything?
What's going on?
Do we not live in the moment anymore?
We just tape everything from a phone?
I don't like that.
You know, that's what
Herbie's music is against.
I don't know, man,
I think the dog humped you.
That's why I love Herbie Hancock.
He loves to lie.
We now return to
the Channel 20 Christmas classic,
The Night Scrooge Saved Christmas.
Oh!
It's Christmas!
Scrooge!
Who are you?
I am the Ghost of Christmas Way Future.
I've already met
the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I said Way Future, Scrooge!
- What are you here to show me?
- Christmas in the year 3050.
Skeletrex and his Bone Brigade
have enslaved the human race,
and we need your help.
What are you talking about?
Bonies are slaughtering humans
by the millions,
taking their bones and using them
to make more bone soldiers,
and, more important, fleets of bone cars.
- What?
- Frigging Bonies!
But I've got a plan.
We've got to kill Skeletrex.
He's huge!
He's 15 feet tall and he has bones
the size of tree trunks.
- What
- Oh, yeah, I almost forgot.
He carries a club made of lava.
Damn you, Skeletrex!
Oh, crap!
One of the Bonies made it through
the Christmas portal.
Quick, Scrooge, bash him with your cane!
That's it, Scrooge.
Now, go ahead and eat that goop, Scrooge.
It'll give you the Bonie's sense of humor.
Oh, watch out, Scrooge! It's a bone larva.
Don't let it lay an egg!
I don't know what to do!
Use your Christmas cheer and bash
its fricking brains out, you idiot!
Yeah, bash that bone larva!
Attaboy! That's good bone-crushing.
I think I'm beginning
to get the hang of this.
Scrooge, you cheap bastard,
you're a genius at this.
Oh, crap!
The Bone Brigade is doing
a bunch more bad stuff.
We're gonna have to go to the future.
Crap dang it, this sucks!
Baby, baby, baby, baby, ba-ba-bay ♪
Whoa, baby, baby, ba-ba-bay ♪
So do you like it out here?
You know, coming from the Midwest,
I was unsure
- whether I'd like California or not.
- Yeah.
But I got to say, I love it.
- You know? The weather, obviously.
- Mm-hm.
It doesn't get any better.
And you think I'd miss the seasons
Mm-hm.
But you know what? Sometimes I do,
but most of the time, I don't.
- You excuse me for a second?
- Mm-hm.
Can I talk to you for a second?
How can I help you?
My date's eating
all the fully loaded nachos.
All the ones with the meat and cheese,
the ones that are fully loaded,
she's hogging them,
so I'm mostly getting just, like,
just chips.
Like mostly just chips,
like nothing on 'em,
but, like, a little bit of cheese
and maybe one little nugget of meat.
- Okay.
- Can you say something to her?
- Say what?
- Maybe go up to the table
and just say like, "Hey, stop that."
Or like, "Hey, that's not allowed."
You want me to go over and say,
"Stop eating the meat on the chips"?
No, just say the restaurant has a rule.
It's not you,
it's a rule the restaurant has
that if you get an item to share,
you can't
One person can't just eat
all the fully loaded ones.
Like, don't look around,
find the one with most meat,
- and always eat that one.
- Can't you just ask her to share with you?
Can't you just say
the restaurant has a rule?
I don't know, maybe it's just me,
but I'm like,
"Play your hits.
Like, don't play the new stuff."
Yeah, I totally agree.
You go to a concert,
and you want to hear the songs you love.
Right, exactly, like
- Give me the good-time rock 'n' roll.
- I want to sing along!
Totally!
This is really fun.
- This is so fun.
- I'm glad we did this.
Are you enjoying everything?
- Yeah, everything's great.
- Yeah.
Uh Okay.
Because we have a rule here
that if you order nachos to share
uh, one person can't just eat
all the fully loaded nachos.
What's that? Say that again?
We have a rule that basically says
if two people order nachos to share
one person can't take
the ones with meat and stuff.
What? I've never heard
anything like that before.
That is so weird.
But I guess if that's a rule, thanks.
- Okay.
- Hang on a second.
Did you ask him to come over here
and say that?
What?
Did you ask him to say that?
What the hell are you talking about?
You got up,
you talked to him for a long time,
and then the minute you sit down,
he comes over
and says that the restaurant
has this rule.
No restaurant has a rule
about who gets to eat what.
What?
I went up there
to ask if we could switch tables.
There's an air conditioner
above this table,
and I was worried
you were gonna get cold.
There's no vent above us.
What?
Did he ask you to come over
and say that about the nachos?
- He did.
- What?
I went up there
to complain about the rule.
You just learned the rule!
- What?
- He just came over here
- Who?
- Him!
What is going on?
We'll take the check.
We're gonna be so early for that movie.
I'm not going to the movie.
What?
That's me!
Me! That's me! Me!
Me?
Go around.
Just go around. I
The third phase, we hit up Instagram and
Uh
Um, the third phase, we
Sorry.
I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!
My stomach hurts!
Help me, please!
As painful and sad as today is
let us not forget
that it's also a celebration of life.
The life in this world
and the life in our next world,
in the ever after.
The deceased taught us all
a lot about life.
Hey! Hey!
Oh, shit! Shit!
Shit! Shit!
Shit! Shit! No! No!
What the hell are you doing, man?
Stop honking.
But I'm horny!
- What are you talking about?
- I'm talking about
your "honk if you're horny"
bumper sticker!
Can you help me out or not?
- How would I help you out?
- I don't know! Do you have a solution,
like some magazines,
or a calendar, or something?
- Why would I have that?
- What?!
I thought that you worked for
a service or a company
that helped out guys that are so horny
that their stomachs hurt!
'Cause that's what I am!
There's no service that does that!
Stop moving around!
Why do you have that sticker on your car?
What did you think was gonna happen?
I don't know why I got
the fucking sticker, man!
I grew up in a small town.
Things were hard.
We needed to make little jokes.
I learned to make my car a little funny.
I'm sorry if I sent the wrong message,
like I was some sort of representative
or something.
- So you don't have pornos and calendars?
- No.
Then you need to take that sticker
off your car.
Don't you dare!
Don't you fucking touch it!
Stay away from my car! It's a classic!
- Do not touch me!
- Don't touch my ride!
- Ohhh!
- Shit!
- What do we got here?
- Shut the fuck up!
- You had pornos this whole time?
- Shut the fuck up. Just pick one and go.
I got to go over there and sing a song.
Come on, hurry up!
I've seen a lot of these!
- Just take
- Thank you so much.
Seriously, this is honestly like
- I'm sorry.
- I just I am sorry.
And now to sing a song,
the son of the deceased.
Friday night ♪
I'm thinking that we just might ♪
Fly away to someplace they don't know ♪
Who we are ♪
Now I'm riding shotgun in your car ♪
We drive through the city
Like explorers going 65 ♪
Blowing hair flying across your face ♪
We left on Friday, now it's Saturday ♪
Pressed jeans buttoned up
Jeans ironed slipping up ♪
Rad shoes walking slow
Headphones blaring 3-stacks ♪
Sunglasses flaring out
Dick watch hanging low ♪
Studded belt, pole cut
Three-stacks on the radio ♪
Friday night ♪
I'm thinking that we just might ♪
Run away to someplace we ♪
We can be who we are ♪
We can be who we are ♪
I love you, Mom.
There's a flame, a flame ♪
A big flame in my heart ♪
Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
And believe me when I say
It's burning hot ♪
Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
It's burning for you ♪
Even though we are through ♪
This big flame boy
Is gonna break my heart in two ♪
Oh, crap.
There's only one man who can save us now.
I better get to him before it's too late!
Ladies and gentlemen,
the president of the Marjorie Caldwell
Society of Arts and Music,
John Ballgram.
Good evening.
Tonight, we honor the life and the music
of Mr. Herbie Hancock,
and if we're lucky,
we might even get him to come up here
and play a little music for us.
But first, I do want to say,
just for anyone who's concerned
I don't think the dog that bit me
should get put down.
I know that's protocol when a person falls
and a dog bites them,
the dog gets put down
but I don't think the dog
should get put down,
because I know that's a service dog.
Otherwise,
why would it be allowed in here,
and why would it be wearing
that little blue shirt?
Okay, I just wanted to say that
so it didn't cloud
the rest of the evening.
The year is 1957,
on the mean streets of Chicago.
My dog didn't bite you.
What?
- My dog didn't try to bite you.
- It didn't what?
He was trying to hump your head.
It tried to bite me.
- It tried to bite the back of my hair off.
- It was humping you, dude.
Uh
Okay, Herbie can play.
Herbie can compose.
Herbie sees music in a
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, but, uh
What do you even have?
- What?
- What do you even have
that you have a service dog
that's allowed in here?
- That's really none of your business.
- That would be true
if your dog didn't try to bite
the back of my hair off.
- You know what happened.
- I don't.
And it's too bad we can't figure it out
'cause nobody has video or anything.
I took a video.
Oh fine.
- There's no way to watch it.
- Tech guy can plug it in right there.
Yeah!
Thanks, Herbie.
Cool. All right.
Okay, here I am. Here I am.
I'm walking up the stage.
There I trip a little on the stair.
And here comes a dog trying to bite me.
It's It's trying to bite me!
It's trying to rip my hair out.
What are you laughing at?
Oh, my God!
Are you saying that your dog
has blue balls now?
You said it humped me.
Well, it certainly didn't finish,
'cause look.
It's dry.
And you know what?
You don't tape people.
What is this society,
that we tape everything?
What's going on?
Do we not live in the moment anymore?
We just tape everything from a phone?
I don't like that.
You know, that's what
Herbie's music is against.
I don't know, man,
I think the dog humped you.
That's why I love Herbie Hancock.
He loves to lie.
We now return to
the Channel 20 Christmas classic,
The Night Scrooge Saved Christmas.
Oh!
It's Christmas!
Scrooge!
Who are you?
I am the Ghost of Christmas Way Future.
I've already met
the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I said Way Future, Scrooge!
- What are you here to show me?
- Christmas in the year 3050.
Skeletrex and his Bone Brigade
have enslaved the human race,
and we need your help.
What are you talking about?
Bonies are slaughtering humans
by the millions,
taking their bones and using them
to make more bone soldiers,
and, more important, fleets of bone cars.
- What?
- Frigging Bonies!
But I've got a plan.
We've got to kill Skeletrex.
He's huge!
He's 15 feet tall and he has bones
the size of tree trunks.
- What
- Oh, yeah, I almost forgot.
He carries a club made of lava.
Damn you, Skeletrex!
Oh, crap!
One of the Bonies made it through
the Christmas portal.
Quick, Scrooge, bash him with your cane!
That's it, Scrooge.
Now, go ahead and eat that goop, Scrooge.
It'll give you the Bonie's sense of humor.
Oh, watch out, Scrooge! It's a bone larva.
Don't let it lay an egg!
I don't know what to do!
Use your Christmas cheer and bash
its fricking brains out, you idiot!
Yeah, bash that bone larva!
Attaboy! That's good bone-crushing.
I think I'm beginning
to get the hang of this.
Scrooge, you cheap bastard,
you're a genius at this.
Oh, crap!
The Bone Brigade is doing
a bunch more bad stuff.
We're gonna have to go to the future.
Crap dang it, this sucks!
Baby, baby, baby, baby, ba-ba-bay ♪
Whoa, baby, baby, ba-ba-bay ♪
So do you like it out here?
You know, coming from the Midwest,
I was unsure
- whether I'd like California or not.
- Yeah.
But I got to say, I love it.
- You know? The weather, obviously.
- Mm-hm.
It doesn't get any better.
And you think I'd miss the seasons
Mm-hm.
But you know what? Sometimes I do,
but most of the time, I don't.
- You excuse me for a second?
- Mm-hm.
Can I talk to you for a second?
How can I help you?
My date's eating
all the fully loaded nachos.
All the ones with the meat and cheese,
the ones that are fully loaded,
she's hogging them,
so I'm mostly getting just, like,
just chips.
Like mostly just chips,
like nothing on 'em,
but, like, a little bit of cheese
and maybe one little nugget of meat.
- Okay.
- Can you say something to her?
- Say what?
- Maybe go up to the table
and just say like, "Hey, stop that."
Or like, "Hey, that's not allowed."
You want me to go over and say,
"Stop eating the meat on the chips"?
No, just say the restaurant has a rule.
It's not you,
it's a rule the restaurant has
that if you get an item to share,
you can't
One person can't just eat
all the fully loaded ones.
Like, don't look around,
find the one with most meat,
- and always eat that one.
- Can't you just ask her to share with you?
Can't you just say
the restaurant has a rule?
I don't know, maybe it's just me,
but I'm like,
"Play your hits.
Like, don't play the new stuff."
Yeah, I totally agree.
You go to a concert,
and you want to hear the songs you love.
Right, exactly, like
- Give me the good-time rock 'n' roll.
- I want to sing along!
Totally!
This is really fun.
- This is so fun.
- I'm glad we did this.
Are you enjoying everything?
- Yeah, everything's great.
- Yeah.
Uh Okay.
Because we have a rule here
that if you order nachos to share
uh, one person can't just eat
all the fully loaded nachos.
What's that? Say that again?
We have a rule that basically says
if two people order nachos to share
one person can't take
the ones with meat and stuff.
What? I've never heard
anything like that before.
That is so weird.
But I guess if that's a rule, thanks.
- Okay.
- Hang on a second.
Did you ask him to come over here
and say that?
What?
Did you ask him to say that?
What the hell are you talking about?
You got up,
you talked to him for a long time,
and then the minute you sit down,
he comes over
and says that the restaurant
has this rule.
No restaurant has a rule
about who gets to eat what.
What?
I went up there
to ask if we could switch tables.
There's an air conditioner
above this table,
and I was worried
you were gonna get cold.
There's no vent above us.
What?
Did he ask you to come over
and say that about the nachos?
- He did.
- What?
I went up there
to complain about the rule.
You just learned the rule!
- What?
- He just came over here
- Who?
- Him!
What is going on?
We'll take the check.
We're gonna be so early for that movie.
I'm not going to the movie.
What?
That's me!
Me! That's me! Me!
Me?
Go around.
Just go around. I
The third phase, we hit up Instagram and
Uh
Um, the third phase, we
Sorry.
I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!
My stomach hurts!
Help me, please!
As painful and sad as today is
let us not forget
that it's also a celebration of life.
The life in this world
and the life in our next world,
in the ever after.
The deceased taught us all
a lot about life.
Hey! Hey!
Oh, shit! Shit!
Shit! Shit!
Shit! Shit! No! No!
What the hell are you doing, man?
Stop honking.
But I'm horny!
- What are you talking about?
- I'm talking about
your "honk if you're horny"
bumper sticker!
Can you help me out or not?
- How would I help you out?
- I don't know! Do you have a solution,
like some magazines,
or a calendar, or something?
- Why would I have that?
- What?!
I thought that you worked for
a service or a company
that helped out guys that are so horny
that their stomachs hurt!
'Cause that's what I am!
There's no service that does that!
Stop moving around!
Why do you have that sticker on your car?
What did you think was gonna happen?
I don't know why I got
the fucking sticker, man!
I grew up in a small town.
Things were hard.
We needed to make little jokes.
I learned to make my car a little funny.
I'm sorry if I sent the wrong message,
like I was some sort of representative
or something.
- So you don't have pornos and calendars?
- No.
Then you need to take that sticker
off your car.
Don't you dare!
Don't you fucking touch it!
Stay away from my car! It's a classic!
- Do not touch me!
- Don't touch my ride!
- Ohhh!
- Shit!
- What do we got here?
- Shut the fuck up!
- You had pornos this whole time?
- Shut the fuck up. Just pick one and go.
I got to go over there and sing a song.
Come on, hurry up!
I've seen a lot of these!
- Just take
- Thank you so much.
Seriously, this is honestly like
- I'm sorry.
- I just I am sorry.
And now to sing a song,
the son of the deceased.
Friday night ♪
I'm thinking that we just might ♪
Fly away to someplace they don't know ♪
Who we are ♪
Now I'm riding shotgun in your car ♪
We drive through the city
Like explorers going 65 ♪
Blowing hair flying across your face ♪
We left on Friday, now it's Saturday ♪
Pressed jeans buttoned up
Jeans ironed slipping up ♪
Rad shoes walking slow
Headphones blaring 3-stacks ♪
Sunglasses flaring out
Dick watch hanging low ♪
Studded belt, pole cut
Three-stacks on the radio ♪
Friday night ♪
I'm thinking that we just might ♪
Run away to someplace we ♪
We can be who we are ♪
We can be who we are ♪
I love you, Mom.
There's a flame, a flame ♪
A big flame in my heart ♪
Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
And believe me when I say
It's burning hot ♪
Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
It's burning for you ♪
Even though we are through ♪
This big flame boy
Is gonna break my heart in two ♪