I Think You Should Leave with Tim Robinson (2019) s01e05 Episode Script

1
[engine revs]
- [tires screech]
- [crashing]
- Is everyone okay?
- What happened? Did anyone see?
Someone drove a hot-dog-shaped car
through the window!
The driver's gone.
Somebody call the cops.
We need to find that driver.
They could have killed someone.
[woman] Whose car is this?
Yeah, come on!
Whoever did this, just confess.
We promise we won't be mad.
What?
We'll close our eyes,
just take your car and get out of here.
Sir, that's clearly your car.
Wrong!
- Someone call the police!
- Yeah, that's one idea.
Or we could work as a team,
find out whoever did this,
and punish him ourselves.
Maybe take his bare butt
out of his costume and spank him.
Maybe you could do it, sir.
Not gonna happen.
- Okay, you.
- No.
Well, one of us is gonna have to do it.
No one's getting spanked.
[sighs]
You know what's driving me nuts?
It could literally be any one of us.
Ooh-ooh!
No, it couldn't.
You're dressed like a hot dog.
So is that guy.
Oh, no.
Donald might look like a hot dog,
but you're wearing
an actual hot-dog costume.
You know, I don't have to sit here
and be insulted like this.
I'm just gonna take as many suits
as I can grab,
get in that random hot-dog car
Ran-dom! ♪
and drive back to Wiener Hall.
- Oh, my God. What happened here?
- [hot dog man] Yeah.
We're all trying to find
the guy who did this
- and give him a spanking.
- It's obviously this guy, right?
- [woman] Yes.
- I have a name.
What's your name?
[sighs]
- Perfect.
- [pensive piano music playing]
We've been sitting here talking all day,
and you all never bothered
to learn my name.
[chuckles]
We're so buried in our phones.
Instead of giving someone a real smile
we send an emoji.
[scoffs]
I mean, we don't even
look at porn on our computer anymore.
We look at it on our phone?
Pornhub, Xtube
I know these names better
than I know my own grandmother's.
YouPorn,
XXN,
RedTube
panty jobs, homegrown Simpsons stuff.
All great, but I ask you this.
If I was a big old guy
with a big burly white beard
would you still be yelling at me?
Or would you be spanking my bare butt,
balls and back?
Think about that for one second.
I guess if nobody wants this car,
I'll take it.
- Let's get him.
- Yeah, right, you piece of dog shit!
- Stop! Hey, you!
- You're fucking dog shit!
["Big Flame (Is Gonna Break My Heart
In Two)" by Doris Wilson playing]
[indistinct conversation]
- Hey, what's up, dude?
- Hey, what's good, man?
- How are you?
- I'm good.
Oh, my God.
Is that Caleb Went?
[man] Yeah, it's kind of nuts, right?
He and Dane are buddies.
- Dane's friends with Caleb Went?
- Mm-hm.
Oh, my
Okay!
Dude, I am such a big fan
of his Angels and Archways clothing.
My belt right now,
it's a studded leather belt
that's from Angels and Archways.
Okay, chill out, dude.
I'm chill. I'm just, like, such a huge fan
of his music and his acting.
- He's just a dude.
- I just
- hope I don't say or do anything stupid.
- You'll be fine.
- You're a grown man.
- I know, but
You'll be fine.
[chokes]
Tim, are you all right?
Are you choking?
- If you're choking, let me know.
- [chokes]
I'm gonna hit you with the Hei
No, what the fuck are you doing?
This is Caleb fucking Went. Just sit down.
You're gonna die
because you're too embarrassed
to choke in front of Caleb Went?
- Unbelievable.
- Poppers are here. Who wants one?
[choked] Poppers! Yo!
I could save your life right now.
Don't eat You can't eat that.
- Can you breathe right now?
- [choked] Chill. Oh, you the man, dude.
- You're about to die!
- [splutters]
- Tim Hey, stop.
- [choking]
It doesn't stink, it's regular water.
[choked] Something about it stinks.
[man] Let's get a toast going.
- Yeah.
- [choked] Yes, yes.
[choked] Caleb
- to you and yours.
- Thank you.
[Tim, choked] I propose a toast.
To friends.
And friendship in a In a tradition
In a tradition.
Cheers!
- I'm calling 911.
- [choked] Put your fucking phone away!
- I'm with my friend. He's choking.
- [choked] This guy's on the phone.
The Pig in the Blanket.
Yeah, okay. Great. Thank you.
They're coming.
[choked groan]
That doesn't stink,
you're choking to death.
[choked] Oh, it stinks.
- [siren wailing]
- Tim
[choked] What the heck?
What the hell's going on out there?
What the hell is that
that's going on out there?
What the hell is that
that's going on out there?
What the I got to check this out
to make sure that nobody hit my car,
the Ferrari.
[grunts
[yells]
- [grunts]
- [paramedic] Come on.
["Days Away" by Speed Not Steel playing]
We're days away ♪
To have thought what you think ♪
Just to float and not sink ♪
["Blending Soul" by Soul Blenders playing]
Whoa, is this the new copier?
It sure is, Dennis.
They installed it this morning.
Can't believe Corporate
actually listened to our request.
Yep, I guess Christmas
came early this year.
[all laughing]
This thing rules.
It collates, staples pages.
- No more stapling by hand.
- Yeah, Santa should have wrapped it.
- What?
- The printer.
Santa should have wrapped it
when he gave it early.
Oh
This is gonna make our lives
so much easier.
I know. This is so much nicer
than the old copier.
Yeah, I know.
And Santa and all his elves
must have worked so hard on it,
and then they gave it to us early.
It's a very nice printer, Tracy.
Just make sure no one copies
their rear end.
[all laughing]
[in husky voice]
Oh, that naughty old elf
must be one mean bastard
to give us this so early.
- What?
- [in normal voice] Did I stutter, Megan?
- Santa Claus
- Okay, it looks like the printer
has gotten everyone a little too excited.
Of course it did.
Santa himself brought this here early,
with Rudolph,
and now it's causing a fight.
- It was just an expression.
- I know that.
I'm not stupid.
I'm smarter than you!
Everyone just go back to work.
Are we even gonna get anything now?
- What?
- 'Cause I didn't ask for that.
Does that count as what I get
for Christmas as my gift?
[sorrowful version
of "Silent Night" playing]
Steve makes one Christmas joke,
and you all shit yourselves laughing.
It's the talk of the office?
But I make hundreds
of on par, if not better,
and everyone ices me?
I'm not popular at all!
Whoa, looks like Christmas came early.
[yelling] Santa brought it early!
[chuckling]
I guess he did. Good one.
Baby, baby, baby, baby, ba-ba-bay ♪
Mm, baby, baby, ba-ba-bay ♪
And you lay your head in the river ♪
And He shall set you free ♪
We're sorry. Gospel records
ain't selling no more.
It's originals the kids want.
The don't want to hear songs
they can hear in church.
Sir, it's not a gospel song,
it's a new arrangement.
It's not about the arrangement, kid.
It's just not new.
Sorry.
Thank you for coming in.
It's originals you want?
[playing guitar]
The church bells, they were ringing ♪
The clouds were low and brown ♪
The horses, they were neighing ♪
The day Robert Palins shot me down ♪
Follow my lead in G.
He rode into town on a jet-black mare ♪
Spat and hitched her to a tree ♪
He made his way to the town saloon ♪
The day Robert Palins murdered me ♪
It was also the night
That the skeletons came to life ♪
They came from under the ground ♪
And from all over ♪
- They
- Palins grabbed the preacher's daughter ♪
He aimed his shooter at my crown ♪
He cocked that crooked hammer back ♪
And he brought that hammer down ♪
Exactly.
The bones are the skeletons' money ♪
In our world, bones equal dollars ♪
That's why they're coming out tonight ♪
To get their bones from you ♪
The skeletons will pull your hair ♪
Up, but not out ♪
All they want is another
chance at life ♪
They've never seen
so much food as this ♪
Underground, there's half as much
Food as this ♪
And the worms are their money ♪
The bones are their dollars
And ♪
The bullet ripped inside my chest ♪
The clouds, they did storm ♪
My sweet Marie, she cried for me ♪
And then I was no more ♪
And it was also the night
That the skeletons came to life ♪
The bones are their money ♪
So are the worms ♪
They pull your hair up, but not out ♪
To turn into a man ♪
And have another chance at life ♪
But if they pull it out
They turn to bones ♪
Yes!
What the hell was that, man?
I had a whole song wrote.
What? I honestly thought
we were just making that up.
What are you talking about?
They were interested
till you started talking about
all that skeleton stuff.
Are you kidding me?
The guy asked for something spooky.
- No, he didn't.
- Yeah, he did. He said,
"Gospel's not selling.
Give me something spooky."
You talked about how their bones
were money, like, four times.
Yeah, that's 'cause I had forgot
whether I'd said it or not.
All right, sir, look,
we know our song's good.
We got a deal or not?
Well, we were a little more interested
in the parts Billy was singing.
Billy as in me, or Billy as in him?
Your name's Billy too?
No, that's why I'm so fucking confused.
I meant that Billy.
[dramatic music playing]
[funky music playing]
Parents' night out.
I can't wait to see everyone here.
Yeah. Especially Barry.
We don't hang out as much anymore,
but I really like him.
Hey, we're a little late.
If anyone asks, let's just say
the babysitter was late.
- Oh, that's a great idea.
- Yeah.
[man] Hi, everyone.
Sorry we're late.
Yeah, fucking babysitter.
Absolutely fucked us.
I fucking hate her. Such an idiot.
It wasn't that bad.
I hope she had a good excuse.
She did, yeah.
- Alan.
- Oh, sorry.
Yeah. Yeah, she did. Yeah, it was just
It was, like, a hit-and-run.
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
Should we call the cops?
Yeah, no, we did, but it's okay,
'cause the cops said that, like,
the people she hit
are just kind of like nothing,
so it's fine.
What do you mean,
the people were just kind of nothing?
They're just, like, not important,
like, they don't matter.
Like, there's, like, no records of 'em.
So, like, they're homeless?
No, they're just, like, nothing.
Like, they're not even
supposed to be around in the area.
Bottom line is,
no one's gonna get in trouble,
nobody should feel sad at all.
The cops were just like,
"Oh, yeah, this is fine.
Don't worry about it at all."
The cops aren't even
gonna, like, follow up on it
because, like, the people
are, like, already dead.
Oh, my God, they're dead?
Yeah. Yeah, they're dead.
Barry, can I talk to you for a second?
Sure.
If you keep talking about the hit-and-run,
I'm gonna fucking kill you.
A hit-and-run is a felony.
It's not a problem!
The cops came,
they said it's fine.
- They're not, like, real people, kinda.
- The cops said that?
If you keep asking me questions,
I'm gonna beat the crap out of you.
What? Really?
No.
I mean, yeah.
I'm gonna beat the crap out of you.
Because I was asking questions?
[groans] I'm gonna embarrass you
at this party, Barry.
- What?
- I'm gonna embarrass you, Barry.
It's done.
Get ready to be embarrassed.
[suspenseful music playing]
- [music stops]
- So we're at the Lions game
The Lions?
Like the animal from the circus?
They were playing a game?
[laughs]
I'm just trying to understand here.
I was talking about the football team.
Yeah, everyone knows
what he's talking about.
My mistake.
[suspenseful music resumes]
[inaudible]
[music stops]
[man] Oh, my God!
Barry just palmed the dip.
He's trying to steal spinach dip,
Barry is!
He pushed my hand in there.
Oh, my God!
- You're gonna tell on me?
- Would you lay off me?
[suspenseful music resumes]
Hey, honey. Having fun?
No, your fricking babysitter idea
got me in huge trouble.
- Now I have to embarrass Barry.
- What?
Hold on. He's by the china cabinet.
[yells]
Oh, my God!
Barry fell into the china cabinet!
What a klutz!
I told you. I told you
I was gonna embarrass you, Barry.
Now we're even. Come on.
We can hang out and have a good time now.
I can't believe that.
["Big Flame (Is Gonna Break My Heart
In Two)" by Doris Wilson playing]
There's a flame, a flame ♪
A big flame in my heart ♪
Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
And believe me when I say
It's burning hot ♪
Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
It's burning for you ♪
Even though we are through ♪
This big flame boy
Is gonna break my heart in two ♪