Impastor (2015) Episode Scripts

N/A - On The Third Day...

1 next move.
We are very proud to have a gay pastor.
There is something off with this guy.
Are you free? Can I come over? Hello, Buddy.
Aren't you gonna invite us in? Well, I would, but the place is a mess.
But since we're all friends Oh, come on.
Hey, moving up in the world now, Buddy.
How'd you, uh how'd you guys find me? You called your girlfriend from a landline easy to trace.
Oh, I'm glad you did, because I just came into 12,000 bucks, and I want to pay you some of the money I owe.
- Is that right? - Yeah.
I'll get it to you as soon as the bank opens tomorrow.
In the meantime, you guys should spend the night.
I'll throw on a movie, have some popcorn.
- Butter? - See, Buddy.
You fool me once, shame on me.
See, you fool me twice, I [bleep] you up.
I don't think that's how the saying goes.
Shut up! - Let's do it.
- Whoa, whoa.
"It"? W-what's "it"? Wait! Wait, are you gonna kill me? Nah, first we're gonna split your nut sack.
Then we're gonna kill you.
More fun.
Wait! No, wait! - Yeah? - We found him.
Good.
Now you call me back when he's dead.
Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh When you're about to die, you think about your biggest regrets in life.
Mine is not jumping off that goddamn bridge.
Mama take this badge off of me I can't use it anymore Buddy, it's Alexa.
I'm at your front door.
Where are you? It's getting dark, too dark to see It wasn't fair.
Things had finally started to go right for me, and now the universe was taking it all away.
Can't you give me one more chance? Knock, knock, knocking on Heaven's door Knock, knock, knocking on Heaven's door Knock, knock, knocking on Heaven's door God! Knock, knock, knocking on Heaven's door Really? All I had to do was ask? Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh My life had been saved by a miracle, and I tried to figure out why then gave up and got totally wasted on weed and tequila.
Good morning.
What's, uh what's all this? Uh, all-night prayer fest.
- A prayer fest? - Yeah, yeah.
I, uh first, I pig out on some snacks, then I pig out on the Bible.
One of my guilty pleasures.
Well, it certainly is a messy pleasure.
And you know what they say, cleanliness is next to Impossible.
That's not how it Oh, I love having a pastor with a sense of humor.
Lord, forgive me, but when Reverend Willis was here, he was so unhappy.
You know, I used to call him "The Complainer.
" You're really good with nicknames.
Thanks, Mr.
Messy Pants.
Let's work on that one.
I kept thinking about LeeAnne and how much I missed her.
The question was, did she miss me too? Here was the perfect chance to find out.
I was going to my own funeral.
- Well, speak of the devil.
- Please, not around a minister.
Didn't I say he was charming? Buddy, I would like you to meet Sean and Jeffrey, two of the members of our church.
Russell's told us all about you.
We're very excited to have one of our own as the new pastor.
He's mentioned that a few times.
- Nice to meet you both.
- Oh, do you have to run? We'd love to sit and chat about how you're going to change things around here.
I'd love to do that, but I'm in a bit of a hurry.
You know, God stuff.
Well, is there any message you have for the gay community? Dude-on-dude action it's the best.
That was interesting.
Didn't I tell you he was different? But so cute.
Whatever you're thinking, stop it.
- I called dibs.
- I didn't hear you Dibs.
"My baby stroller accidentally bumped your car door.
"If you see any damage, please call me, and I'll take care of it.
" I don't get it, people in this town are honest, even when no one's watching.
It's just weird.
Buddy? Hey, Alexa.
- Is everything okay? - What do you mean? What happened last night? You told me to come over, and then you weren't there.
Oh, I didn't know you meant you were coming right over.
I thought you meant generally.
Like, "Sometime I'd like to come over.
" Oh, good.
When you didn't answer the door, I thought something happened to you.
No, no, I'm fine.
I just I went out for a while.
But your car was still in the driveway.
I went for a walk.
But in the middle of a thunderstorm? As Jesus said When you walk with God, he becomes the umbrella.
- I'm paraphrasing, of course.
- Oh, okay.
Well, I'm I'm glad you're okay.
- Nice to see you.
- Yeah.
- Bye.
- Okay.
See ya.
Oh, what a mess, huh? I've never seen anything like it.
Ugh, what a day for Otis to call in sick.
And by sick, I assume you mean sleeping it off.
Now, now judge not that ye be judged.
Yeah, I believe that's judge not, lest ye be judged.
Actually, it's judge not that ye be judged, for with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged.
Do you really want to get into a Bible throwdown with me? I didn't think so.
- Morning.
- Hey.
- Michael.
- Good morning, sir.
Is Pastor Barlow here? Oh, no, he had to go to a funeral.
Why? Did you hear about the two men who were killed by the tree last night? - Yes, terrible tragedy, huh? - Hmm.
Turns out, they were both felons.
Really? We found guns, drugs, and stolen merchandise in their vehicle.
Oh, my goodness, what would men like that be doing in Ladner? We found something else too a slip of paper with an address.
What address? Pastor Barlow's.
LeeAnne? Detectives? What are you doing here? You're not gonna hit on me again, are you? We just came to pay our respects.
But in the car on the way over here, you asked me to check your breath, because, uh We're so sorry for your loss.
Thank you.
So what kind of spread are you having? Like, I mean, is it gonna be shrimp? Shrimp? This is a memorial service, okay? Not the buffet at Caesars.
- So no cold cuts? - Tim.
Buddy and I go back ten years.
Some of you might have known him longer than me.
But I think I speak for everyone in this room when I say that little prick owed me money.
I was taught if you don't got nothing nice to say about somebody don't say nothing at all.
So, yeah, I'm done.
Sure, Buddy was a dirt bag, but one time, I seen him light his dick on fire just to win a bar bet, so that's got to count for something.
I'd like to say that wasn't one of my prouder moments, but it kind of was.
The Buddy I knew was funny and sexy and crazy and stupid, and I loved him.
And I'll always love him.
But, you know, just because you love someone doesn't mean they're right for you.
It took me four years to figure that out, but I finally did.
And that's why I broke up with him.
I hope that's not why he did what he did, but I have to believe that even he knew the truth.
The two of us could never be together.
Wherever you are I hope you find peace.
Good-bye, Buddy.
So long, babe.
Buddy? - Hey.
- Hey, buddy you know where the can is? Excuse me? The head, the crapper, the boom-boom room.
Oh, yeah, no, it's up the stairs there, down the hall and make a left.
Thanks.
You know, you look really familiar to me.
Do I know you from somewhere? No.
No, I just got one of those faces.
No, I know you.
Terry from police softball league? Yeah.
What's up? Hey.
- Hey, man.
- Hey.
- I never forget a face.
- Yeah.
- Okay, good to see you.
- Keep swinging.
Dora! You've finally come to update the old wardrobe.
No.
What's wrong with my wardrobe? Nothing.
You look great.
What's up? Alden is about to call an emergency counsel meeting to discuss something that you are not aware of yet.
You mean the two dead felons that were found with Buddy's address in their car? Oh, so you are aware.
You know, if you ask me, that man is making a mountain out of a molehill.
Are you all right? You seem a little tense I mean, more than usual.
Well, you know, the truth is You know, I peeved.
I'm sorry.
It's just I feel like he should be more respectful of a religious leader, especially Because you vouched for him and your butt's on the line.
No.
I mean, that's not what I was gonna say, but I guess you're not wrong.
- Well, I'm off.
- To get a haircut? No.
Why would I get a haircut? Can you believe Sean? He knows I like Buddy.
Well, how long do you expect him to wait? You got to make your move.
- How am I supposed to do that? - I don't know.
Find some common ground with Buddy the church maybe.
Yeah, because everybody knows there's nothing sexier than common religious ground.
Well, then find something sexy, you know? But for once in your life, be daring.
Take a chance.
What's the worst that could happen? I could fail miserably and make a fool of myself and never be able to face him again.
Fine.
Then let Sean take a shot.
Oh, you're good.
The funeral made me realize Buddy Dobbs, the dirt bag, was gone forever.
I was now Jonathan Barlow, trusted pastor.
In light of this criminal connection, we have to ask ourselves, what do we really know about this guy? I Googled Pastor Barlow the day he got here.
There's almost nothing online about him.
Let's face it we don't even know exactly why he was relieved of his duties in Florida.
- I do.
- You do? It seems that a female congregant - Seduced him? - Hmm? No, but she did happen to see Pastor Barlow leaving a gay leather bar Wearing a dog collar.
A dog collar? Kinky.
And inappropriate.
Yes, and then she went back to the church, and she told them that she thought that their pastor should be a spiritual shepherd and not a German shepherd, and so then, when Pastor Barlow refused to apologize for who he is, they fired him.
And you didn't think this was relevant information to share before we put this Scooby Dooby deviant In charge of our spiritual well-being? Hey, everybody.
What's up? Pastor Barlow, are you familiar with the names Jamaal King and Andrei Toro? Don't they play for the Packers? They were killed last night when a tree fell on their car.
That's terrible.
- I'll be sure to pray for them.
- Why would you do that? We're Lutheran.
We never pray for the dead.
Damn right we don't.
They're dead.
F 'em.
I meant pray for their families the still-alive ones.
Anyway, King and Toro were wanted felons, and your address was found in their car.
Can you explain why that might be? No, I-I can't.
Then would you mind coming down to the police station? Uh, what for? To have your fingerprints taken.
The police found a third set of prints in the trunk that didn't match with either King or Toro.
Are you accusing me of something here? - I'm not.
- Me either.
I said it first.
People in this congregation are concerned that you are associating with criminals.
We have a right to know, now, by golly.
I am so sorry for all of this, Buddy.
I would think you'd welcome the chance to put this behind you unless, of course, you have something to hide.
I need to pray on this.
Hey, um, Buddy? Buddy, I-I just want I just want to tell you that I am so embarrassed by all of this nonsense.
I mean, nobody treated Pastor Willis like this when he was here.
Don't worry about it.
It's okay.
You're right.
Of course everything will be okay, because God has a plan for everything.
God may have a plan, but I sure as hell didn't.
I guess I'll let you get to praying.
I was screwed.
If I let the cops take my fingerprints, it wouldn't be long before they found out I wasn't Barlow, and I couldn't refuse without looking suspicious.
So I figured I'd do what I always do in a tough situation.
I just don't think Buddy's given us any reason to doubt his integrity.
Adiós, Ladner.
It was nice knowing you.
I just want to say, for the record, I have total faith in Buddy.
All right, faith is one thing.
Evidence is another.
Now, Alden, don't you think if Buddy was really guilty of something, he'd just skip town? It was too bad.
Not only was this the best scam I'd ever run, but I really liked the people here how they help each other out after a storm Or leave a note for the smallest thing.
What is taking him so long? You know what? I'm gonna go check on him.
Buddy? Buddy? Amen! Oh.
Buddy, I'm so sorry to interrupt you.
We were just wondering how much longer you were gonna be.
Oh, I'm done.
I hate to bogart the Lord.
Oh, great.
Just give me a sec.
When I first started praying about this matter, I was angry.
I-I thought I'd found a new home here, and I was insulted that some people didn't trust me.
- Buddy.
- It's okay.
I spoke to God about it.
He told me there will always be douche bags out there who doubt you.
God said "douche bags"? Yes, Alden, but don't worry.
I don't think he was referring directly to you.
So what did you decide? I have no idea why those criminals would have this address, but since my word isn't good enough for you, I guess I'll have to submit to the humiliation of a fingerprinting.
All right.
Let's go.
Should we take one car or two? No, we can all fit in mine.
Ooh, Buddy, there's something on your shoe.
- Oh.
Could you get it, please? - Sure.
- Wait.
- What? Listen to this.
"Reverend Willis, my mother was Latoya King.
"Before she died, she told me how much you helped her.
"I came up to thank you.
"Be back tomorrow when maybe you're home.
Jamaal King.
" He must have stuck it on the door with gum.
The storm must have blown it off.
Ooh, this is so Nancy Drew.
You're right, Alden.
Faith is one thing.
Evidence is another.
Well, shall we go down and take those fingerprints? No.
It won't be necessary.
- I'm sorry, Pastor.
- Thanks, Alden.
It takes a big man to admit when he's wrong.
Well God may think you're a douche bag, but I don't.
After all the action of the last few days, I was really looking forward to a nice, quiet evening at home.
Of course.
- Hey, Russell.
- Hey, Buddy.
May I come in? Yeah.
Sure.
What's up? I was wondering if you would like to go with me to a club tonight.
It's leather night, and I know that's kind of you're thing.
Yeah, uh I mean, I-I can't.
I'm, uh, kind of I'm kind I'm tired.
You know? I haven't Oh.
Sure, no problem.
I was gonna meet some other friends there anyway.
Oh.
- Have a good night.
- All right.
Uh, hey, Russell? You look very sexy.
Thanks.
Getting used to the people in this town was gonna take a little time and a lot of weed, but at least I was finally done with lone sharks and cops.
Five to one, that's Buddy Dobbs.
Could be.
Hard to tell without a face.