Impastor (2015) Episode Scripts

N/A - The Body of Kenny Compels You

1 Thank you, Russell, for that report on the new choir robes, which, for some reason, you chose to deliver in song They're gonna be flashy, not trashy And so, so fine And which no one needed to hear again.
And with that, I hereby declare this meeting Alden, we haven't discussed the Reformation Day Fair yet.
Oh, right.
Proceed.
Alden, she is chairperson of the Reformation Day committee.
All right.
Welcome, everybody.
I am pleased to report that this year's Reformation Day Fair is gonna be a blast.
Are we gonna play Pin the 95 Theses on the Church Door? - Yes.
- Yay! [ahem] Moving on, this year, every child will receive a prize a Luther rose sticker to commemorate our founder.
Now, we will be cutting these out here tonight.
Volunteers are welcome.
It's also mandatory.
Alexa, how's the Martin Luther costume coming? All done.
Should fit Buddy perfectly.
I don't see why I wasn't chosen to play Martin Luther again.
Because it's only proper that our Martin Luther be a man of God.
Oh, God! Oh, God! [panting] Oh, God.
Oh! Oh, God.
I'm a chiropractor.
I was adjusting her back.
1x07 - The Body of Kenny Compels (Buddy, voice-over) I had to find that little pervert and get that photo of me and Ashlee, but how? I had no idea who he was.
Hey, Dora, how many middle schools does Ladner have? Oh, Buddy, do you know Miles? He's one of my little church helpers.
Hi, Pastor.
Hi.
Miles is quite the shutterbug.
He's showing me action photos that he took out in the woods.
- He is? - Yeah! Well, I mean, he knows what a bird lover I am.
Look, here's a robin oh, a blue jay.
I also got a real good shot of a pecker, but I haven't developed that one.
Yet.
[romantic music playing] Excited for the big day? Date? What date? I don't have a date.
Day Reformation Day.
Weren't you looking at the flyer? Oh, oh, oh, Reformation Day! Yeah, bravo with the yeah.
Russell, l-let me ask you something.
Uh, you're a crime buff, right? Nancy Drew and that kind of thing? Yes.
Sean, Jeffrey, and I love those books.
We call each other the Drew Crew.
It used to be Nancy Boys, but that didn't work out.
Well, I am tinkering with a mystery novel, but I'm stuck on a point.
If one wanted to call, like, an informant, but they didn't want the call traced, how would one do that? You could get a burner phone.
Great.
Great.
Burner phones excellent.
What is that? It's a pre-paid disposable cell phone, like the kind they sell at Krinsky's.
Thank you, Russell.
You have been very helpful.
Hey, any time you want to bounce more ideas off each other - Pass.
- Sure.
Bye, Dora.
Ca-caw, ca-caw! Ca-caw, Miles.
All right, let's talk, bird boy.
Sit down.
Look, kid, if people were to see that picture you took, it would be very bad for the congregation.
And worse for you, right, Padre? [breathy laugh] Okay, what's it gonna take to get it back, huh? Video game, pack of smokes, sixer of brewskis? Boobs.
I want boobs.
11 years on this planet, and I-I've never squeezed a fun bag.
So you want to get to second base? Okay.
I can give you some advice.
- I don't want advice! - Shh.
I want Dora.
Dora? Forget it.
Look, isn't there some girl at your school you'd like to feel up? Those pigeons? No, thanks.
Dora's perfect.
She's rare and beautiful, like a golden-cheeked warbler.
[snaps] Come on, kid.
Get real.
How can I possibly get Dora to let you do that? That's your problem.
You want your picture back, make it happen.
[Pop Goes the Weasel plays outside] Ooh, ice cream! See how nice and round they are? That's what we're going for.
So, later, when you cut, please take your time and cut with care.
Hey, fun fact about Martin Luther back in his day, they used to have a town masseur you know, to relieve the stress of the women folk.
- I've never heard that before.
- Yeah.
It was usually a young boy, around 11.
Oh, that seems a tad inappropriate.
No, no, no.
11 was like 40 back then.
You know, a juvenile masseur booth might be a fun thing to have at the fair.
Yeah no.
We just have a lot of stuff going on this year, so, uh, maybe next year.
Just trying to be historically accurate.
Hope nobody complains.
[doorbell rings] Oh, I'll get it.
Hey.
I haven't seen you in a while.
Everything okay? Not really.
I keep worrying about Kenny coming back.
I told you, I took care of it.
- He's gone.
- But how do we know for sure? Relax.
He's back in Boston.
I talked to his parole officer this morning.
- You did? - Yeah.
You're totally safe.
O-M-G murder at Shepherd Lake.
- What? - Yeah.
Get this Some fisherman hooked a dead body, and when they pulled him out, there was a bullet in his chest.
Wow.
So do they know who it was? Come on, people.
These stickers aren't gonna cut themselves.
Some bank robber named Kenny Banderas.
(Buddy, voice-over) And just when I thought my biggest problem was gonna be a horny 11-year-old with a pecker pic Buddy, can I see you in your office, please? Yeah.
Then there were two, huh, Russell? For now.
There is a murderer on the loose, Dora.
No, I did not kill Kenny, all right? He pulled out a gun, and we struggled.
It went off, but he was the one who pulled the trigger.
Yeah? Then what was that bullshit about the parole officer? I was just trying to make you feel better.
Well, I don't.
How did he end up in the lake? And don't lie to me.
I put him there.
Okay? I figured if there was no body, there'd be no questions.
I have a question.
What the hell kind of pastor are you? A man dies and you just toss his body in the water? Yeah, I should've weighed him down with something.
- That's on me.
- Buddy, do you realize how bad this is? If the cops connect me to Kenny, my life is over.
We both have a lot to lose here.
So what do we do? Nothing.
Okay? As long as we stay quiet, no one can tie us to any of this.
I hope you're right.
You couldn't put a few bricks in his pocket? Everyone's a Monday morning quarterback.
So, just a disposable phone today, Mr.
Schmidt? None of your fiber wafers? Just the phone, girlie, on the hop.
I'll go ahead and activate that for you.
- Oh, hey, Alden.
- Hello, there.
Are you getting a new phone? 'Cause if you're changing your number, I'm gonna have to add that to the church directory.
No, this is a private line.
What do you need a private line for? It's a-a hotline to the pastor so that we can talk church business at any time.
Okay, you're good to go.
Oh, I-I see.
So you can conduct your affairs without me knowing.
What affair? I don't know what you're talking about.
Neither does she.
No one does.
Good day.
(Buddy) Okay, here comes the little perv.
What's she doing here? Well, I got to thinking about your problem, and I brought you a solution.
You didn't say it was gonna be a little kid.
I'm 11, and if I wanted fake tits, I'd call my mom.
And if I wanted to be insulted, I'd call my mom.
You still owe me for the hour.
Come on, Miles.
Give me a break.
How am I supposed to get Dora to let you cop a feel? You'll figure it out.
F-Y-I, don't bother praying for it.
I tried.
What about a nice hug? What about I put your picture on the Internet, 'cause that's what's gonna happen if these hands don't make friends with the Winston twins.
[phone vibrating] Hello? I, um oh, uh, wrong number! Stop calling! [forced laugh] So, Alden, as a mystery scribe, what's your take on the big whodunit? Who done what? The murder at Shepherd Lake it's all everyone's talking about once I tell them about it.
Murder? [somber organ chords] Okay.
Final offer one hand, side boob, over the shirt.
One hand, under the bra, palm to nip.
Two hands, over the shirt, two layers of clothing.
Two hands, over the shirt, one layer, preferably a silk or silk blend.
Deal.
You know, kid, under different circumstances, we could've been very good friends.
Okay, your costume's in the closet.
I am gonna skedaddle.
I will see you at the fair.
- I like your blouse.
- Oh.
Is that silk? It's like a silk-cottony blend.
Good enough.
- You what? - It's just so nice, I wouldn't be surprised if people want to come up and touch it.
- [door closes] - The - Oh, hey, Alden.
- Yeah.
Pastor, I just heard some disturbing news.
Do you know about the murder out there at Shepherd Lake? Yes tragic.
You never know when the man upstairs will call your number.
Well, according to, uh, to reports, the time of death was the same day that I saw you, remember, baptizing that fellow by the bridge.
Yeah by the way, who was that man? Who was he? He was a guy who wanted to be baptized by me that day in the lake.
Right by the bridge where the body was found.
Interesting, huh? Seems like something you'd want to share with the police.
Yes, it does, and I plan to, uh, but I got this darn Reformation Day thing.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, well, I trust you'll go as soon as that's over.
Yes.
I promise I will tell them everything I know.
Good, and I'll go with you and tell 'em everything I know.
- [background chatter] - [upbeat music] Off you go.
There she goes! Oh, yay! Everybody, Janie gets a Luther Rose.
(child) I'm next! Oh, everyone, I think we see our special visitor.
It's Martin Luther.
(kids) Wow! Ho-ho-ho.
Merry Reformation Day.
Ha, that sounds sort of like something Santa would say.
You want to say something that Martin Luther would say? Right.
Right, um [ahem] I have a dream! Oh! [laughs] You nut.
[both chuckling] But will his bloodlust end there? Who knows? The Shepherd Lake Lunatic could be right here among us, ready to kill again! [children screaming] Nobody wants to bob for apples? (Buddy) Hey, been looking for you.
Great job on the costume, by the way.
Oh, thanks.
You wear it well.
Thank you for making it well.
Okay.
What's wrong? Tiny thing you know Alden? Turns out, he saw me at the lake the day I dumped Kenny's body.
- Isn't that funny? - What? I don't mean "ha-ha-ha" funny, more like he wants me to go to the cops with him kind of funny.
Okay.
You know what's not funny? What I am gonna do to you if you rat me out.
Okay.
Okay, first of all, ow, and nobody's ratting anybody out.
We'll figure this out.
We just gotta stick together.
Tick-tock, Martin Loser.
I got to go.
All right, kid, here's the plan.
As soon as you pin the feces on the door, turn to your right and reach for the gold.
Okay? Spin, spin, spin.
Go! Oh! I've been stabbed.
I know too much.
Oh, and here's your prize.
Time's up, Pastor.
Attention I just want to say, it's it's been a great fair so far, hasn't it? - Come on, give it up.
- [applause and cheering] Yeah.
And we owe it all to one person.
No, not me not MLK.
I'm talking about the person who put this whole thing together - Dora Winston! - [applause] - Yeah.
- (Dora) Thank you.
If anyone deserves a sticker, it's her.
In fact, let's give her two! Russell? Now, who should bestow this gift upon her? Oh, my gosh, me, me, me! Pick me! - Me! Me, please! - Who's it gonna be? Well, how about you, young quiet fellow? All right, kid.
Here's your shot.
Stick the landing.
[suspenseful music] Oh, it's a little low there, but, um, thank you.
[giggles] Awesome! - Hey.
- Hey.
- That was very sweet of you.
- Oh You know, I was actually starting to wonder if you still needed me, you know, now that Alden Schmidt has a direct hotline to you.
- Hotline? - Yeah.
What are you talking about? Well, it's no secret.
Alden told me all about it when I saw him buying the burner phone.
- Did he? - Yeah.
Interesting.
But you know what? This makes up for [awkward laugh] everything.
It's just nice to know I haven't been killing myself for no reason, that there's somebody who really appreciates everything that I've been do where are you going? Hey, I have a plan to take care of our Schmidt problem.
I'm gonna need your help.
[suspenseful music] After I dumped Kenny's body in the lake, I'd kept a little souvenir.
[knock at door] (Alden) Uh, Pastor Barlow? I just didn't think I'd have to use it so soon.
[knock on door] Come in.
Are you ready to go to the police? Before we do, I want to talk to you for a second.
Close the door.
Look as a pastor, I've had some dealings with troubled youngsters, and I've noticed the police have a way of twisting things.
Is there a point to this jibber-jabber? Well, Alden, I'm concerned for you.
- For me? - Yeah.
On the day this man was apparently murdered, - you were at the lake.
- Yeah.
As was I me performing my pastorly duties and you Well, you saw me.
I was fishing.
Well, I saw you.
You were driving.
Did anyone actually see a fish? No, I don't believe so.
So no alibi.
Well, alibi wh-what would I need an alibi for? - I didn't do anything.
- I believe you, and I'm not gonna even ask why you purchased one of those burner phones typically used by criminals and then lied about it to Dora.
It's none of my business.
I'm just saying the police might take that and run with it.
Now now, wait a minute.
I have no involvement in this whatsoever.
I know that, and you know that, but others might see you as a suspect.
For what murder? I what possible motive would I have? Well, let's just say this guy was blackmailing you.
Maybe he found out you're having a little trouble with the wife.
Uh, that is preposterous.
Now, Hilda and I are deeply and publicly in love.
Of course.
Of course, and I'm sure you have nothing to hide.
I'm just saying, if you make yourself a person of interest by going to the cops, just be prepared to have your life exposed.
[knock at door] Come in.
Pastor Buddy? I need to tell you something.
Oh, hello, Alden.
Wha maybe I should leave.
No, it's okay.
I trust you.
It's about the man who was killed at Shepherd Lake.
What is it, my anguished child? God forgive me, but the night before he died, I shared a joint with him.
That is a marijuana cigarette, Pastor.
Oh, I'm so ashamed.
It's all right.
We all do things we're not proud of right, Alden? We talked for a long time, and all he kept saying was how depressed he was and how his life had no meaning.
And then, coincidentally, the next day, he gets murdered? - Well, I unless, he - Yeah? No, it, uh [mutters] Just go ahead say it.
Well, I maybe he killed himself.
Are you suggesting this may have been a suicide? Now it all makes sense.
Alden, that's brilliant.
Well, just, you know, I put two and two together.
So according to your suicide theory, there would probably be a gun in the lake near the body with only his fingerprints on it.
Yes, I believe so.
You know none of us would have to discuss anything potentially embarrassing with the police if only there were some way to give them an anonymous tip.
But how? I From an untraceable number, maybe? Uh, I [ahem] I-I might have a way to do it.
[low voice] Uh, this is (Buddy, voice-over) Schmidt made the call, and everything worked out like I hoped.
The police found the gun I'd planted and came to the right conclusion.
It was a suicide! We're all safe.
I got the incriminating picture back and hopefully taught Miles a lesson.
Hey! Remember, Dora's a lady, not an object.
So, for the first time in a long time, I was free and clear.
- Hey.
- Hey.
That jumper we hauled out of the bay the one that wasn't Buddy Dobbs? - Yeah? - Dental records came back.
He's some pastor from Florida named Jonathan Barlow.
God, I hate going to the dentist.
It doesn't make any sense why come 3000 miles just to kill yourself? I have gum issues.