Impastor (2015) Episode Scripts

N/A - Bingo Tell it on the Mountain

1 Previously on Impastor All of my instincts tell me that he is a good man.
Oh! What do you need a private line for? What affair? I don't know what you're talking about.
That jumper we hauled out of the bay? Dental records came back some pastor from Florida named Jonathan Barlow.
I'd been in Ladner for a while now, and I was really starting to get the hang of this pastor thing.
I was coming up with my sermons a lot easier.
I'd worked out a system for advising congregants.
Should I have the experimental surgery? Signs point to yes.
And I'd delegated all the annoying work to my assistant, who lives for that crap.
Hey, I finished your pastor newsletter.
I just need you to sign.
All right.
Hope you put some big words in here this time.
I used "ecclesiastical" and "complementarianism.
" Nice! People love a smart pastor.
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
Is there anything else? No.
- You sure? - Yes.
Dora, something wrong? All right, stop hounding me.
I'll tell you.
The Ladner Lodge Bingo-mania begins tonight.
And you have nothing to wear? And I'm addicted to bingo.
Really? Aren't you, like, 40 years too young for that? Weakness and temptation do not discriminate by age.
Yeah, but bingo? Why not blackjack? Or better yet, craps? Best odds in the casino.
If you're gonna get hooked, that's the one.
No, no, my game is bingo, and last year I hit rock bottom.
I lost $840 and, as a result my "praycation" to Boise.
That does sound terrible, all of it.
But this year I am determined to overcome my gambling problem.
I had a gambling problem too.
I hadn't gambled in weeks.
Here, take it.
It's $1,000.
I was just hoping you could hold on to it for me till all this Bingo-mania stuff is over.
You bet.
Or you won't bet, because I'll be holding your money.
Thank you.
It's really nice to know I have someone I can trust.
In gambler's lingo, this was called a bankroll.
But it was Dora's money.
I had to do the right thing.
Come to papa, baby, one more time! Yeah! Whoa I'm sanctified Hey, hey, I came as soon as I could.
What is the emergency? My real-estate friend, Sandy, called.
A wealthy Lutheran family just moved to the area, and they haven't picked a church yet.
- What do we know so far? - They're the Fenwicks Jason, a lawyer, Courtney, a pharmacist - And three kids.
Names - Unimportant! How wealthy? - Loaded.
- Do we know if they're givers? They financed a sanctuary at their last church.
This is the godsend we've been praying for.
We may finally get our new Sunday school.
But there's a problem.
Their house is halfway between Ladner and Pineville.
We have to snag them before Pineville Lutheran does.
Maybe we should invite them to a Sunday service.
Or we could do something smart.
I'll arrange a personal meeting with the Fenwicks for tomorrow.
Alexa, you're not off-putting.
You'll come with me.
We'll meet at the coffee shop and take one car.
What about me? You stay by your phone, and if we need reinforcements, I will call you.
You're not going to call, are you? Highly unlikely.
Enter! Buddy Ugh! Smells like Pastor Willis in here.
He used to drive Dora crazy with those cigars.
What can I do for you, Russell? Did you know Willis died a year ago in this very room? Actually, he died on the toilet, but Schmidt dragged him in here to save face.
I only hope you'll show me the same respect when my time comes.
- Is that all? - No.
You know that very wealthy family we're trying to recruit, the one that's got the whole council abuzz? Sure.
Schmidt won't even let me help.
Because you let him not let you.
Ooh, I need to hear this.
Tell me more.
Russell you have to start thinking like a winner.
Winners take action.
Goose bumps.
Keep going.
Winners don't sit on the sidelines.
They get in the game.
The next time you have an opportunity, you have to step up.
Like Channing Tatum does in the Step Up trilogy! Even though he wasn't in the third one, which thematically There you go.
Put your chips on the table! Roll the dice, bet on yourself! I'll see you later.
One time.
- Seven out.
- No! Oh, God.
Oh, no.
I couldn't believe I'd blown all of Dora's money playing craps.
Idiot! The minute I started losing, I should've switched to blackjack.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I just got some great news.
Donna Belmont broke her leg.
Oh, that is great news.
She sucks.
What? You don't even know her.
Then why is that great news? Because it means she can't go on her cruise to Alaska, and she's offering me her spot for half off.
Oh, Buddy, I've always wanted to see bald eagles and Gallagher.
He's performing every night.
So she broke her leg on purpose.
So now I just need that money that I gave you to hold so that I can go pay Donna.
Right, right, the money you gave me - that I still have, yeah.
- Yeah.
Uh I can't do that.
What? Why not? - I think we both know.
- I don't.
- Don't you? - No.
Buddy? What's going on? Dora, you have a serious gambling problem.
What kind of spiritual leader, not to mention friend, would I be if I enabled your addiction? Yeah, but, see, this isn't about bingo.
This is about me going on my dream cruise.
I promised I wouldn't give your money back until Bingo-mania was over.
I don't care how many balding eagles or magicians you make up.
Gallagher is not a magician.
He's a prop comic and a genius.
And I want my money.
- Dora - Now! Buddy, please before Donna gives my spot to someone else.
All right! All right.
I'll go get it right after I tend to a church member who's in desperate need of help.
To get Dora her money back, I had to take out a loan.
Fortunately, my bank was mobile.
Thanks for doing this, Ashlee.
You look really good, by the way.
Is that vanilla? I'm a busy girl.
How much you need? $1,000.
You know what? Make it $1,500.
Just so you know, vig's 30% per week.
That's steep.
But that includes a free hummer, right? Only if you can bend down that far.
Have a seat.
I have it on good authority that the Fenwicks took a tour of Pineville Lutheran yesterday.
Oh, that's discouraging.
Did I give you the impression I was finished? Even worse, apparently they really hit it off with P-ville's lady pastor.
Guess we've got our work cut out for us.
That's why I've decided to step up and come with you.
Ah, n-no offense, Russell, but having you there will exponentially increase our chances of failure.
Oh, yeah? Well, I'm not so sure you know the proper usage of "no offense.
" Yes, I do.
I've been using it to cushion insults for years.
I, um, um, have to, uh, use, uh, the restroom.
It's just urine.
- That was weird.
- I bet it's a number two.
Yes, this is the blue-eyed gentleman.
Oh, that's that's a lovely name.
Now? So Channing challenges this guy to a dance-off Uh, that was my office.
There's something I need to attend to.
Meeting adjourned.
What about the Fenwicks? We'll reschedule for tomorrow.
Well, that's that.
I say we go anyway.
What? Winners don't play the sidelines.
They sit on the action or something like that.
Point is, I'm going, with or without you.
Russell, don't do it, okay? If you lose this family, Alden will rip you a new one.
Well, maybe I need a new one.
I paid Dora back her grand and still had $500 left to play with.
But it was time for a different game.
O-67 6-7.
Lucky birdies work for me, all I need is N-33.
Touch their beaks is what I do, and I always stop on - Blue.
- N-34, 3-4.
Dora Winston? Buddy? What are you doing here? I, um I B-12, 1-2.
I can't help myself! What about your cruise? There is no cruise, is there? - I'm so sorry.
- I-25, 2-5.
And for the kids, we have Bible puppetry.
I just personally re-felted seven of the Apostles.
Well, that sounds great.
But to be honest, we were impressed with another church we recently visited.
Very impressed.
Well, you can't make a decision until you've met the best thing about our church Pastor Barlow.
Barlow? Not Jonathan Barlow? From Pensacola? Yes! Do you know him? My cousin Pam belonged to his church.
We met him at AJ's baptism, remember, hon? Yeah, he did the whole sing-a-along service with the kids.
Good man.
We should set up a meeting.
Sounds good.
Fabulous! Pastor Barlow will be so excited to reconnect with someone from his past.
B-6, number 6.
"Fenwicks at 4:00.
" Okay.
- Dora.
- I-21, 2-1.
You okay? I'm so ashamed.
I'm a horrible person.
Come on, so you slipped up and had a little relapse.
You're human.
It happens.
No, you don't understand.
The day that I hit rock bottom is a lot worse than you think.
What'd you really lose $1,000? - Mm.
- $1,200? More? Buddy Oh, gosh, I haven't told anybody this, but on that day I killed Pastor Willis.
You killed Pastor Willis? I thought he died on the grunter.
I mean in the living room.
Oh, that's not the whole story.
Last year I wanted to play in Bingo-mania, so I asked for the day off, and Pastor Willis just said no.
Okay, just so we're clear, if you ever want time off, take it.
It wasn't like that.
So I called in, took a sick day, came to bingo, and while I was off indulging my addiction, Pastor Willis had his heart attack.
So you didn't actually kill him.
But I wasn't there to save him! It's the same thing.
He died because of me.
Dora you can't blame yourself.
Yes, I can.
I was so angry at him.
I prayed for him to go away.
God didn't kill Willis because you prayed.
Everybody knows prayers don't work.
You're just saying that, obviously.
Pastor Willis died because of me, and there is nothing that you can say or do that's gonna change that! Uh, Ashlee.
- I'm Alden.
- Hey.
Yeah, it's a just a pleasure to to see you again.
Uh, won't you have a seat? You'll have to excuse me.
I'm I am a bit nervous! Oh, don't be.
So what do you want to do? I have no idea.
But I just know that I I just had to see you again.
After I bumped into you that day you had such a glow.
You are so lovely.
I haven't been able to think of anything else since.
That's so sweet.
Most guys I meet don't say things like that to me.
Well, then maybe you are consorting with the wrong type of fella.
Huh? Alden, do you know what I do for a living? No, but I would like to know.
I'd like to know everything about you.
What do you do? I'm in hospitality.
Well, that suits you, 'cause no, because you are very congenial.
Would it be hotels, conventions? Yeah.
Lots of those.
What's in the Tupperware? Apple wedges.
Fuji, to be, uh, exact.
Uh, can I offer you one? Don't mind if I do.
You're very charming, you know that? Well I was hoping Dora could cry it out, but after 20 minutes of wiping snot, I had to try something else.
I really don't want to play bingo.
We're not gonna play.
You're here to answer for your sins.
Attention, everyone! Listen up.
This woman killed a man.
Buddy! You prayed for Willis to go away.
I-I wanted him to retire, not not die! God is not a mind reader.
Willis is dead, and you killed him.
He had a heart attack.
- Because of you.
- B-what? He had a heart attack because he smoked and he drank and he ate beef tacos for breakfast! - It wasn't my fault.
- Say that again.
Beef tacos for breakfast! - The other thing.
- It wasn't my fault.
- It wasn't my fault.
- Bingo! Damn it! I was this close! Thank you.
Buddy I feel so much better.
Hey it's what I do.
Let's get out of here.
Okay, Bingo-maniacs, next up is your $1,000 jackpot round.
You know what? Maybe I should stick around, see if any other lost souls need my guidance.
You're a very good man.
I'll see you at home.
Is the pastor on his way? I will try him again.
N-41, 4-1.
Bingo! Yeah! Suck it, Alberta! Yes! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah? Buddy, where are you? The Fenwicks are at your house, waiting.
Oh, right, right, right.
I'm on my way.
Well, hurry.
They're really excited to see you again.
- "Again"? - Yeah.
They know you from Florida.
They do? Awesome.
I was dead meat.
How could I possibly meet the Fenwicks and not get busted? Hey, there.
How would you like to make 40 bucks? I got to take any clothes off? - Well, yes - I'm in.
Change of plans.
Pastor Barlow would like to meet you at the church - Oh.
- By himself.
Hey! How's it going? We're here to see Pastor Barlow.
Is he in? Not at the moment.
Uh, you guys new to the congregation? Actually, we're considering joining.
Oh, well, you're gonna love it here as soon as we get the mold and termite problems under control.
Buddy? What are you doing? Oh, just, uh getting the Lord's house as spotless as the Lord.
What's with the shirt? What's with your shirt? This one's the church fashion queen.
Hi, I'm Alexa.
We're the Fenwicks.
I'm Jason, and this is Courtney.
Oh, my gosh, you're the Fenwicks.
Welcome to Ladner Trinity.
Is the pastor giving you a tour? We were hoping so.
- When do you think - Any minute now.
You are gonna love him.
He is the best.
Yeah, he really is.
Actually, we know Pastor Barlow from Florida.
Oh, really? Well, then I don't need to tell you how fun he is.
Actually, you don't need to tell them anything at all.
Just let the pastor speak for himself.
Oh, uh, okay, well, uh - Nice to meet you.
- You too.
What did she mean by "fun"? Well, I guess she means how much the pastor likes to party.
I've seen him do some pretty wild things.
Like? Oh, like chug 40s and fling eggs at Methodists.
"Meth-heads," he calls 'em.
Or borrow collection-plate money to trick out his ride.
Man, what a sound system.
Are we talking about the same Jonathan Barlow? My height, bald, glasses, gay dude, real into weed? You mean marijuana? Yeah, and super generous with it too.
Yeah, gave me this, just for doing a good job cleaning out the shitter.
Hit? I don't know what happened, guys.
I gave it my best shot, but I guess I just wasn't good enough.
Oh, Buddy, you stop that.
Nobody's gonna blame you.
Well, Alden will be blaming somebody.
He's gonna hit the roof when he hears we lost the Fenwicks.
I'll take the bullet.
No, I need to do this.
Alden, we met the Fenwicks without your permission my call and despite our best efforts, they've chosen Pineville Lutheran.
- Their call.
- Fair enough.
I know you're upset, but What? Have you seen how lovely the sky is today? What was that? That was me finally getting the respect I deserve.
You do realize that's a stirring stick? - I do now, yeah.
- Okay.
I'm gonna show him what a straw is.
So what was all that weirdness with the Fenwicks yesterday? What do you mean? What you were wearing, the way you were acting.
Something was going on.
Okay, here's the truth.
I do know the Fenwicks from Florida, and we do not want them at our church.
Why? They seem like such nice, rich people.
They're assholes.
He's a corrupt prick who's leveraged to the hilt, and she's a Nazi.
Why didn't you say anything before? You know me.
I don't like to judge.
Schmidt was right about the sky.
Nothing like being stoned and watching the clouds all your problems taken care of.
I need a problem taken care of.
Name's Buddy Dobbs.
Stiffed me 32 large.
You available? I am now.