Impastor (2015) Episode Scripts

N/A - Exodus

Previously on Impastor Oh, my gosh, I did it.
You electrify me.
You're having an affair with Dora.
Dora? Did you come here to have your way with a poor, defenseless woman? You sure? And I find that incredibly sexy.
You do? Whoa, whoa.
Sir it's a crime scene.
All right, I I live here.
What's going on? Someone's been shot.
- Oh, God.
Dora.
- Sir? Sir! Buddy! Dora.
Are you okay, what happened? There was somebody in a ski mask with a gun.
And so, I grabbed my bow.
Oh! And then, shot.
I'm so sorry.
That must have been terrifying.
I think that it was probably the same creep who broke into Mrs.
Lutz's house.
Yeah.
Probably.
Ma'am? We need your statement.
- It's gonna be okay.
- Come with me.
This was all my fault.
The killer had come for me.
Clearly sent by that sick prick, Damien.
Oh, Damien.
Oh, thank God you're here.
Don't worry.
I'll take care of you.
I had to split town before Damien came gunning for me again, so I maxed out the cash advance on Barlow's credit cards.
Now I just had to figure out where the hell to go so he couldn't hunt me down.
Jonathan, do you own a place in Mexico? I think you do.
Get this somebody in Ladner just took out a boat load of cash on Jonathan Barlow's credit card.
- Do you know what that means? - Yeah, but you go first.
I'm thinking whoever has his credit card killed Barlow and dumped him in the bay.
- Bullseye.
- We've gotta move on this.
Or we could head over to Dino's Deli - for cheese steaks.
- Tim, we're talking about murder here.
You know what else is murder? That line at Dino's if we don't get there by noon.
Ashlee had a guy who could doctor my passport, but I had to move fast.
Damien wasn't the type to waste time.
Damn.
Oh, hello, Pastor.
I want you to know that I am calling an emergency meeting of the council to discuss that terrible business last night.
Okay.
Also, our daughter, Lisa, and her fiancé, Gunter, are ready for their premarital counseling.
Good for them.
Have Dora set something up for Monday.
When I'm chugging margaritas in Cancun.
The meeting's right now.
Was scheduled weeks ago.
Apparently, Robin Hood didn't put it on your schedule.
Yeah, well, Dora's been a little preoccupied.
That, she has.
Whore able what happened to her.
Hilva? Enough.
So this counseling's for them, right? I just want to not think about this and move on with the rest of my life.
What's going on? I think it's for you.
- You're a hero.
- Oh.
Oh.
Well, that's thank you.
No, thank you for standing up to crime.
You're drinking free today.
Oh, no, that's okay.
I don't need any special treatment.
Oh, why not? You're a star, girl.
All right, Dora.
So, uh, you guys get along okay? Yeah, you, uh You have any diseases the other should know about? Okay, you sound perfect for each other.
- Best of luck.
- Wait, is that it? No.
No, no, no.
Of course not.
Uh How's the sex? Gunter and I have never had relations.
- We're saving ourselves for marriage.
- What? How can you get married without boning first? What if the key doesn't fit the lock? Well, uh, we feel that our love and mutual res Yeah, yeah, yeah, forget that emotional crap.
Listen to me.
When you hook up, that's when you know if you're right for each other.
It's called chemistry.
Without it, you're screwed.
I don't know what to say.
I believe the words are "thank you," and if you'd like to throw in a little tip, that'd be okay too.
No? Well, consider yourselves counseled.
I gotta book.
No, but take another one.
I was blinking.
It's good enough.
Hey, this is my fake passport picture.
It's gotta look really good.
Okay, what's this gonna cost me? - A grand.
- What? Well, it's usually 800, but I can smell desperation.
Fine, but I need it ASAP.
The best my guy can do is tomorrow morning.
I could be dead by then.
Good thing you're paying upfront.
I'm gonna miss you too, Ashlee.
Just in case Damien knew my car had Florida plates, I decided to swipe some new ones for my drive to Mexico.
Now I just had to stay alive till I got that passport.
Buddy? What are you doing? Hey.
I was just, uh picking up a bottle cap.
I collect them.
Ooh Coors Light.
Don't see that much.
Um, listen.
About last night.
I am really sorry.
I mean, trying to seduce you like that was totally inappropriate.
I forgive you.
On the plus side, it did make me realize why I've never found love.
I always go after unattainable men.
I get it.
A beautiful lady like you can have any guy she wants, needs a challenge.
See, it's talk like that that makes me want to go after you again.
But there's this guy Dave.
He's a handyman.
He's always asking me out.
Maybe I'll take him up on it.
Well, he does sound attainable.
Ooh.
Another emergency council meeting.
- Should we head over? - You know, you go ahead.
- I got something I gotta do first.
- Oh, okay.
First, a congregant.
Then our very own pastor! They are targeting Lutherans.
This is a hate crime and our church is right in the center of it.
We must respond.
Shouldn't we just let the police do their thing? The community is looking to us for leadership, Russell, and by gum, we're gonna lead or die trying! What the hell does that mean? I'm down with the leading, not so much the dying.
All right, too far, but we must act like Dora.
You proved yourself a heroine.
Oh, I just did what any prodigy-level archeress would do.
Well, tomorrow, when people arrive for Sunday service, I want you to stand outside that church with your bow and arrow.
We'll show that hooligan he's messed with the wrong denomination.
You'll be our symbol.
That we're mad as hell, and we're not gonna take it anymore.
Exactly.
I that's my daughter.
I'll, um you just keep chewing on this now.
You know what she needs? A catchy nickname.
Guys, come on, let's not get carried away.
What's about Dor-Rambo? Yes, that is totally kick ass.
You! Oh.
Hey, I was just, uh You told my daughter to have sex with Gunter? No, no, no.
I just said it was insane that they hadn't.
Well, they did, and it went very poorly.
- You were there? - No.
Lisa's so upset, she's calling off the wedding.
This is your fault and you are gonna fix it now.
Me? Well, I guess I could show 'em a few moves.
Just understand something, sir.
This is Lisa's one chance to get the status and respect that comes with marriage, and I will not let you ruin it.
Now, you tell her that the sex will get better.
I'm a pastor.
I'm not allowed to lie.
You'll do whatever it takes.
We need to land this plane.
And whatever you're doing with that, I don't want to know.
Staying at my place was risky and it was my last night in Ladner so I figured, what the hell? Why not go out with a bang? Buddy? - Wow, you look great.
- Thanks.
What are you doing here? Remember last night when you were all, "Let's make out," and stuff and I was like, - "No, I'm super gay.
" - Yeah.
We should get going, Alexa.
I'm kind of on a date with that guy Dave I told you about.
Oh.
I could reschedule.
Alexa deserved a shot at love and it wasn't going to come from a one night stand with me.
No, I just needed to do that.
To confirm that I am in fact super gay.
And now I have.
So that kiss wasn't good for you? It was, it just It just would have been better if you had whiskers and wiener.
All right, good night.
Damn it! Now what? I couldn't go back to my place because that's where Damien would come.
But who else in Ladner would be cool with me spending the night? Hey, Russell.
You got something on your face.
Oh, Douglas and I were just microdermabrasioning.
What's up? Look, I just can't be alone in my house with that maniac still on the loose.
I was gonna ask if I could stay here, but if We'll see you at kickball.
Come on in.
So, you're back.
Yeah, thanks for letting me crash here.
And where do you think you'll be crashing? Couch is good.
Buddy, I don't get this game you're playing.
My heart is not a yo-yo you can just toss up and down and twist into that thing - where it dangles between the triangle.
- Rock the cradle.
Yes, thank you.
You're giving me mixed signals and I demand an explanation.
Unless you don't feel one is appropriate, - in which case, I take it all back.
- Russell, look.
I'm at a place in my life now where I just need a friend, a good friend, like you.
You understand? - Totally.
- Good.
You're saying your desire is there, but the timing isn't right.
Okay.
Son of a bitch.
Buddy! Ooh! Aren't you a jumpy Jimmy today.
Alden Schmidt's waiting for you in your study.
Oh, let me just go upstairs Now, Pastor.
So I heard your first time belly bumping didn't go so well, huh? It was terrible.
No, but it gets better, right, Pastor? Yeah, maybe.
Listen, here's the thing.
I don't know if Gandalf will ever be good in the sack.
His name is Gunter.
Whatever.
But if he makes you feel special If he makes your heart race, then go for it.
If not, life's too short to live it with the wrong person.
Right, Alden? That is not what we agreed on, Pastor.
No, Daddy, he's right.
Gunter doesn't make me feel special.
I knew all along I was settling.
- No, but, Lisa - Listen, Daddy, I know that you want me to get married, but I would rather live alone than be trapped in some bad marriage.
Like the Pastor said, life's too short, right? Yeah, of course, sweetie.
Look, I just want you to be happy.
I love you, Daddy.
Bye, Alden.
See you at church.
Oh, that reminds me.
I have a new nickname to run by you.
Now, what do you think of Conquistadora? Hmm.
Doesn't feel quite as sharp as Dor-Rambo.
All right, well, either way, killer.
The important thing is we sell you as a warrior who shoots first and asks questions later.
Look, I'll be out for a while, so just put the passport under the back doormat.
Thanks, Ashlee.
Hey, time for Sunday service.
Here are your robes.
Freshly pressed.
Hey, would you mind helping me? I can never get the sashy thing even.
Sure.
Turn around.
Buddy, can I talk to you? Yeah.
I've done something awful.
I've let my pride get the best of me.
You and I have different definitions of awful.
I got so caught up in being a hero, and now they want me to be this vigilante symbol, and, I don't know, it doesn't feel right.
I don't shoot first and ask questions later.
I ask lots of questions right upfront and then I make an informed decision.
So don't do it.
Yeah, but I don't want to let everybody down.
Dora, if there's one thing I have learned in my time as a pastor, it's that once you start trying to be someone you're not, life get's way too complicated.
You're better off just being you.
You're right, as usual.
Here you go.
Thanks.
Looks great.
- Hey.
- Yeah.
For what it's worth, in my book, you were a hero long before you shot that intruder.
Oh.
And just so you know, Ladner really was a sleepy little town before you got here.
I don't know what happened.
He's a hard one to figure out, - that Buddy Barlow.
- I'll say.
Great kisser, though.
I imagine.
Me too.
Can I speak to you just for a moment? Yeah, sure, wha Hey, where's your bow and arrow? I didn't bring them.
Well, I have mine in the trunk.
- I'll go grab 'em.
- No.
You don't understand.
I don't want to pose in front of the church.
Well, you don't have to pose.
Just stand there with your bow and arrow - in firing position and don't move.
- No, I don't want to be a symbol for anything.
You see, I just want to be me.
I'm sorry.
I'm done with this.
Lovers spat? How often must I tell you? I am not interested in Dora romantically.
Oh, please, Alden.
Spare me your lies.
- Life is too short.
- Is everything okay? You're right, life is too short To spend with the wrong person.
And that is why, on the advice of my Pastor, I am gonna follow my heart and I'm I'm leaving you for someone.
- You're what? - That's right.
Yes, she's young and vibrant and fun, and her name is Ashlee.
- Ashlee? - Yes.
Not, like, - yea high? - Yeah.
- Blonde hair? - Wha yeah.
Butterfly tattoo on the neck? Yeah, how how in the You're leaving your wife for a hooker? How dare y she is no such thing! - You told him to do this? - No.
Ah! Pastor, congregation's ready for you.
That I may smile again before I depart And am no more.
Next up, the homily.
Today's sermon is about Jesus H.
Christ.
Jesus was a pretty awesome dude.
He once said, "He that believeth in me, the works that I do he shall also do and greater.
" I know that because it's on the wall in my bathroom.
It's a needle point.
- I made it.
- I think he was saying that we don't know what we're capable of until we're tested.
And we could do a lot more than we think we can.
Nothing's forever, right? I mean, who knows how long we're gonna be here? I might be gone tomorrow.
So could any of you.
So, like Jesus, we have to make the most of our time here on Earth.
Now, I know I've only been in Ladner a short while, but you all have become my family.
So let me leave you with this: Enjoy the little things.
Be good to your fellow man.
Be grateful for fun times.
And, most importantly, remember Thou shalt not kill.
You know what? Stand up.
Instead of our regular handshake routine, let's hug it out.
Hug your neighbor.
Hang on to them! Don't let go.
I gotta hit the can.
Start playing and don't stop 'til I get back.
Damn it! Move.
This was it.
I just had to grab my go bag and my shiny new passport and it was, "Adios, Ladner.
" Better you than me, pal.
Buddy Dobbs? You're under arrest for the murder of Jonathan Barlow.