Impastor (2015) Episode Scripts

N/A - The Devil Went Down to Ladner

1 Previously on "Impastor" - Don't! - What are you doing, man? - [screams] - [water splashes] My plan was to take over Jonathan Barlow's life till I figured out my next move.
We are very proud to have a gay pastor.
What are you doing? He plays for my team.
I am not so sure about that.
What do we really know about this guy? Baby, one more time! [gunshot] Ho ho ho.
You're very charming.
You're leaving your wife for a hooker? Oh! She is no such thing! - You told him to do this? - No! Thou shalt not kill.
[tires squealing] You're under arrest for the murder of Jonathan Barlow.
You're making a big mistake here.
Yeah, never heard that before.
It was over.
I was going to jail.
But at least it was better than getting killed by Damien.
[tires screeching] Get down! [gunshots] [engine revs, tires squealing] Let's go! Let's go! Wait.
You're going after him? Steady ride, steady go Steady, she's been such a long time gone Steady ride, steady go Steady, she's been such a long time gone Whoo! Guys, you really think this is a good ide [tires screeching] Put on that red light I can tell that you're hard to break Whoa oh oh oh oh oh It could be the second coming now Whoa oh oh oh Stick with him, man.
Where you gonna run to now? [tires screech] You know I don't have a seat belt, right? Whoo! Put on that red light Fleet Foot Rosie's on the run gain Put on that red light I can tell that you're to break Where you gonna run to now? Damn! Where'd he go? Looks like he lost you.
[gunshot] [tires squealing] It's against regulation to give chase with a civilian in the car.
You're right.
Good thinking.
Who the hell is that guy? - Damien Westbrook.
- You serious? - W-who's Damien Westbrook? - Really, Tim? He's one of the five most wanted men in Portland.
We had a whole briefing about him.
Optional briefing.
What's your connection with a big guy like that? - I can't tell you.
- Why? 'Cause I haven't come up with a good lie yet.
And then, like a gift from heaven, there it was.
Okay, fine.
You might as well know.
I'm undercover FBI.
I've been working the Westbrook case for three years.
That's bullshit! You're Buddy Dobbs, and you killed Jonathan Barlow.
Barlow jumped off a bridge.
After I faked Dobbs' death, I needed a new identity fast, so the Bureau gave me his.
Yeah, right.
If you're FBI, let's see some ID.
Yeah, sure, because all undercover agents carry ID.
It's a big FBI badge we wear over our FBI T-shirts.
Did you two bozos even graduate the academy? - Of course we did.
- Why? What did you hear? We're not buying any of this until we can confirm it.
- I'm calling my buddy at the FBI.
- Good idea.
I'm getting really worried about Buddy.
I mean, why would he just run out like that? Where did he go? I've never seen anything like it.
Even when Pastor Willis' gallbladder burst - he finished the service.
- Oh, my gosh.
Do you think we should call Ladner General? Okay, let's not overreact.
I'm sure he's fine.
Then why isn't he answering his phone? [cell phone vibrating] Damn it.
[sighs] My friend says he can't confirm or deny any undercover operations.
I don't have clearance.
Yeah, I could've told you that.
- Now unhook me.
- That doesn't prove you're FBI.
Let's go down to Portland and sort this out.
Wait, wait, wait.
- I got a better idea.
- Yeah? You guys came up for a bust, right? What if I let you take down Damien? Why would you do that? So I can stay undercover and go after his boss.
24 hours that's all we'll need.
You could be heroes.
Pros we get a guy like Westbrook, we finally get some respect, maybe even a promotion.
Cons if Dobbs is lying and he runs, we just let a murderer get away.
- We can't let that happen.
- No.
Not again.
[sighs] All right, you got 24 hours.
Wise decision, my law enforcement brothers.
Hey! What the hell? You LoJacking me? Call it insurance.
If you're FBI, we get a major bust.
If you're lying, we still have you.
Any problem with that, Club Fed? No.
No problem at all.
- Hey, everybody.
- Buddy! - There you are! - Oh, thank God you're alive.
[grunts] Are you hurt anywhere? - Oh, my.
- What happened? You said you were going to the bathroom, and then you never came back.
If you're on the junk, we have a right to know.
Look, I'm sorry for leaving, but on my way to the bathroom, I got a Pastor 911 call.
Somebody was threatening to, uh - end it all.
- Oh, my gosh! - Who? - That's confidential.
Luckily I was able to talk this troubled soul out of it.
Couldn't do this on the phone? Alden, he saved a man's life.
Or woman? Let this be a reminder to cherish life every day.
Now if you'll excuse me, I've been holding it in - since the sermon.
- Ooh.
Ow.
[chuckles] I had two choices go to prison or face a man who wanted to kill me.
So I took number three hack off this bracelet and run.
Hello, Pastor.
Jesus.
You scared me.
You should be scared.
I don't take well to people ruining my marriage.
Yeah, I noticed.
You got quite a left hook there, Rocky.
Your reference escapes me.
Never seen the movie "Rocky"? - I don't enjoy entertainment.
- Huh.
What I do enjoy is my prominent standing in this community, and I am not about to lose it because you filled Alden's head with some gibberish about following his heart.
Look, Hilva, it's not my fault.
When I say stuff to Alden, the last thing I expect - is for him to listen.
- Well apparently you have his ear.
So you need to convince him not to throw away 40 years of marriage for some trollop! - Trollop? - Whore.
[gasps] Ooh.
And for your own good, you will do it soon.
Trust me, you don't know what it's like to be on my bad side.
I bet it's a lot like this.
Except you're living in your car.
Did you know I hold the deed on this house? You wouldn't kick me out, would you? Oh, really? Don't make me laugh.
Is that even possible? [groans wackily] [rolling tongue] You're tough.
I think there might be more going on with Buddy than he's letting on.
I mean, he was acting weird at the service before he got that call.
No, no, no, don't worry.
If something were going on with Buddy, I would know about it.
Thanks.
He can't hide anything from me.
I [sighs] So how was your date last night with Dave the handyman? Does he know how to use his hammer? [snickers] Sex pun.
I love it.
Did he did he loosen your lug nuts with pliers? I don't know what that means.
Me neither.
I'm not good at this.
What about you? What's up with you and that accountant? Have you made your move yet? No, I don't make moves, Russell.
Look, I have always believed that if I am meant to be with someone, God will make it happen.
God is not your pimp, Dora.
You need to let a guy know you're interested.
Use some body language.
Yeah, like make eye contact, lick your lips, or maybe, like, gently touch his arm.
When you walk away, always glance back.
Guys love that.
Okay, maybe I'll try it.
I might snag myself a nice dentist who could floss my gums.
[chuckles] - That's a sex pun.
- Uhuh.
[mischievous music] - [electricity zaps] - Aah! God damn it! God, sh God! Oh, looky here.
Our guy's trying to take off his bracelet.
I knew his FBI story was bullshit.
Good afternoon.
I'm Detective Hyde.
- This is Detective Lovello.
- Well, hello.
[romantic music] - I'm Dora.
- We're here to see the pastor.
Oh, is this about the break-in? 'Cause if so, I'd be happy to answer any questions that you might have.
Uh, the pastor, please? Sure.
No.
He's in his study.
Right down the hall.
Here, um, follow me.
You know, the Oh, yeah.
You got it.
[clears throat] Busted! And don't give us any excuses.
You're trying to take that bracelet off.
[tool clangs] You're right.
- You got me.
- He said no excuses! Look, I'm just trying to stay alive here.
- [scoffs] - You saw that lunatic.
If Damien finds this thing on me, I'm a dead man.
All right? Now, how about it? You're an undercover guy.
Just keep it undercover.
And don't wear shorts.
[dramatic music] Now I had no choice.
I had to go after Damien.
But I could only think of one way to reach him.
Afternoon.
I'm Pastor Buddy Barlow, and, uh, I'd like to ask a favor.
Clergy pay tickets like everyone else.
Oh, it's not that, Officer.
- Sheriff.
- I'm sorry.
Do you remember those two men who were killed by the tree a while ago? Well, I was asked by Jamaal King's poor, sick grandmother to retrieve her baby's belongings you know, cell phone, et cetera.
We only release personal items to family members.
I understand that, but, uh I'm going to Portland, and I would love to make an old homeless woman with a heart condition happy.
Then buy her a bus ticket to come here and get them.
May God bless your soul.
[mischievous music] All I needed was to get Sheriff Cranky Pants out of there for a minute.
[gunshot] Raise your tail at me, bitch.
[thuds] - - [indistinct chatter] Ooh, jawbreaker.
[suspenseful music] [clatter] Oh, Pastor.
Oh, hey, there, Alden.
I just noticed your Japanese car parked near the police station.
Are you filing an assault complaint against me? - I drive a Chevy.
- Perhaps.
The point is, I want to nip this in the bud and, well, apologize for striking you before.
Well, you do realize when you hit me, it's like hitting the Lord himself.
[groans] There is no excuse.
We Lutherans are trained to keep our emotions inside.
I'm not an Episcopalian, for God sakes.
- Forget it, Alden.
- Okay.
- But while I have you - Oh.
As your pastor, I would advise you to think long and hard before throwing away 40 years of marriage for another woman, especially a hooker.
Stop calling her that! Apology accepted! [cell phone rings] Who's calling me from a dead man's phone? - Hey, it's me, Buddy.
- Well, that's fitting.
Look, I want to make things right between us.
- I got your 32 grand.
- No, no, no.
It's 40 grand now.
Punk-ass-bitch tax.
Okay, but once I pay you, you'll leave me alone forever, right? Right? Okay, once I give Damien this bag, which he'll think is full of cash, you come in and make the bust.
- Copy that.
- [device beeps] I just activated the audio on the tether.
We'll be able to hear everything you and Damien say.
We should have a code word in case things go south.
"Mozzarella sticks"? - "Mozzarella sticks"? - What? I'm ordering room service.
All right, look, if I'm in trouble, - I'll say the word "table.
" - "Table.
" Got it.
All right, now we just wait till Damien calls me with the when and where, but be ready.
Go-time could be any time.
Even at night? 'Cause we get off at 6:00.
It was then I realized my biggest worry wasn't these idiots arresting me.
It was them getting me killed.
I decided I'd better have a backup if things went bad with Damien.
[knock at door] - Hey.
- Hey.
What brings you over? I was in my shop yesterday, and I saw the strangest sight.
A middle-aged man slapping a pastor.
That is strange.
Anyone I know? - What's going on, Buddy? - [chuckles] I can't say.
You know, attorney-pastor privilege and all.
Oh, well, then can you tell me why you strapped a knife to your leg? I saw you through the window.
[inhales deeply] Yes.
I'm going to Ceravino's Steakhouse.
You know how tough their rib eyes can be.
- Buddy - FYI I have a bottle of A1 strapped to my other leg.
Okay, you don't want to tell me, don't, but if you need help hey, I'm here for you.
[serious music] Hey, handsome.
I'm glad you called.
I'm starving for an apple wedge.
What's wrong? Well, frankly, I'm embarrassed to say.
I have heard this ridiculous rumor that you are a-a-a Forgive me A-a lady of the night.
It's true.
Oh.
If you expect an apology or for me to be ashamed, you've got the wrong girl.
No, it's not that.
I-I tell you I wish that you could see yourself the way I see you full of beauty and kindness and endless potential.
Really? - You see me that way? - I do.
But then I'm just a foolish old man.
- Not to me you're not.
- Oh, well, yes, I am for believing that you could ever be interested in me as anything other than a client.
- Alden - Oh, now, please, don't.
Well, the steaks are tough at Ceravino's.
I filled out a comment card about it.
But how do you explain this? So yesterday I was in the park collecting pinecones for my sculptures, you know how I like to - Skip ahead, please.
- Okay.
So I had just found this one that was a little sappy, but salvageable To the part that involves Buddy.
Right.
I heard him talking to someone on the phone about some kind of payoff, and he seemed upset.
Wait.
So Buddy was at the park, too? Well, I was gonna tell you that, but this one made me skip ahead.
Do you think that maybe he getting blackmailed? Huh.
Do you think that's the real reason the two detectives wanted to talk to him? Wait.
So knives, blackmail, detectives I mean, what do we think is going on? I don't know.
All I do know is that Buddy has always been there for us, so now it's our turn to make sure that nothing bad happens to him.
I should probably move in with him until this crisis is over.
Have you spoken to Pastor Barlow lately? Yes, and after our conversation, I've decided I'm not leaving you for another woman.
About time you came to your senses.
I'm leaving you because I can't stand you.
And I don't care what you say a cucumber is a fruit.
And ever since my dear Norman passed, - I've felt so alone.
- [phone whistles] It's like the whole world's abandoned me.
- I got to go.
- But Hey, you're still pretty bone-able.
Go to some cougar bar.
You'll crush it.
I don't care if Hyde's in the can.
Tell him to pinch it off.
It's go-time! [crash] Get out.
I guess you moved up the meeting.
[dramatic music] Goddamn, I was sick of being in trunks, and I doubted I could count on another tree falling.
[mumbling] [whispering] Table.
Table.
Table.
Mozzarella sticks! Where the hell are you guys? Sorry, man, those 'zelly sticks really plugged me up.
Aw, damn! [car door opens, closes] I had one thing going for me.
The element of surprise.
Aah! [groans] Is this yours? I found it back here.
If you're gonna have people riding in the trunk, it's really dangerous.
- Get out.
- Okay.
- Start walking.
- He's in trouble.
We got to get to him.
Sweet.
I've always wanted to drive one of those babies.
- Yeah.
- Tim! [Norman Greenbaum's "Spirit in the Sky" playing] - You been here before? - Keep moving.
Pretty sure they shot "ET" here.
Cool hole, bro perfect for a bed of rosebushes.
Or a body.
Or a nice lemon tree.
Come on, Damien.
Can't we talk about this? Why? So you can tell your cop friends about it? Now, I'll bet you're wired right now.
No.
No, no, no, see! Look! I'm not! - I'm not wired.
- Good.
Now I can kill you without anyone hearing.
Wait! I am wired! Look.
Look, right here.
Cops will be here any second, man.
Then I better kill you fast.
That was a bluff! Look, this thing doesn't even work.
You can take your time.
- Get up.
- Come on.
Can't I just just get one one final prayer? Got to have a friend in Jesus So you know that when I die [crying] Dear Jesus, please help me get get out of here! Oh, set me up with the spirit in the sky That worked better in my head.
Say good-bye, Buddy Dobbs.
When I die and they lay me to rest I'm gonna go the place that's the best