Impastor (2015) Episode Scripts

N/A - Buddy's Prayer

1 Previously on "Impastor" - [gunshots] - Who the hell is that guy? Damien Westbrook.
I'm undercover FBI.
I'm leaving you because I can't stand you.
What the hell kind of pastor are you? A man dies and you just toss his body in the water? What the hell? So you are Tina.
Kings and queens may be mighty, but there is a higher power The Ace! Next week, we'll go over when to double down.
[children murmuring excitedly] It had been a few days since someone shot Damien and still no fallout.
So I was beginning to relax.
[knock on door] Buddy? Buddy, why didn't you go to the hospital yesterday for your monthly patient visit? Oh, I canceled that.
I was feeling a little cold-y and didn't want the sickies to get me any sicker.
Okay, see, I am your assistant, so all scheduling really needs to go through me.
Are there any surprises in here that I should be aware of? Just take a quick that's weird.
All you have in here is "BJ" every couple of days.
Who's BJ? Uh, it's not really a person.
It's a thing.
It stands for Be Jesus.
Just a reminder to myself to be more like our Lord.
See? That's why we need to communicate.
What if I had scheduled something and cut into your BJ time? That would truly be terrible.
[scoffs] - [cell phone vibrates] - Oh! - I gotta go.
- Where? Dora, 90% of what a pastor does is confidential.
No, it's not.
Like what? I can't tell you.
I wasn't even supposed to tell you that.
[rock music] [knocking on window] Who is it? [laughs] It's Alden Schmidt.
Dora, I have something oh.
Nice to see you too, Alden.
Well, you may as well hear it too.
It's likely to become the talk of the town.
Hilva and I are splitting up.
Oh, Alden, I'm so sorry to hear that.
Why? It has no bearing on your life.
Please forward all of my church-related mail to this address.
I have taken an apartment.
Do you need some help getting settled? 'Cause I could come over Russell, let me be clear: I do not need, want, or desire any assistance from you.
Good day.
I'm gonna help him anyway.
Why would you do that to yourself? I mean, I think he made his feelings pretty clear.
You heard his voice.
I heard his eyes.
The man is crying for help.
He just doesn't know how to ask for it.
Good luck with that.
I got your text.
What's up? We've got trouble.
Kenny's ex-cellmate's in Ladner.
He knows about the bank robbery.
He knows I'm Tina.
Whoa, whoa.
Slow down.
Does he know about Kenny? Yeah, and he doesn't buy the suicide.
He says Kenny would never off himself.
We do not need that case opened up again.
I know.
Believe me.
I don't want to have to tell anyone you killed him.
Why would that be something you have to do? And I told you, he shot himself during a struggle.
Right, right, of course.
What's this guy want? 20 grand.
He says that's Kenny's cut of the robbery.
He thinks I took it.
And I would hate to have to tell anyone you did.
I didn't.
I already told you that.
Right, right, of course.
What are we gonna do? All right, all I have is $5,000.
Let me talk to him.
Maybe I can get him to go for the five.
Buddy, this guy Ray is dangerous, so if things go bad I know, I know.
Weigh him down.
Man, you let one dead body float to the top, they never let you forget it.
[upbeat music] [car horn chirps] - Is this you? - Mm-hmm.
Nice car.
- You new in town? - I'm here for a few days.
Lucky us.
Pastor Buddy Barlow.
I'm Jasmine Evans.
I run a charity organization.
Oh, what kind of charity? All kinds.
Whoever needs help.
I'm an equal opportunity giver.
- And I'm an equal opportunity taker.
- Ah.
So maybe I should take your number.
For a man of God, you sure move fast.
Well, as the Bible says, "You snooze, you lose.
" - [laughs] - I'll see you around.
- All right.
- All right.
- Ooh, you caught me.
- [laughs] [knock on door] Hi! I brought you a housewarming present.
How did you bypass security? What, did you scale that trellis? You're welcome.
It's a quiche.
I made it myself.
This is sparse.
Thank you.
But it has potential.
You know what you need? A nice media center right there.
I'll take that under advisement.
So, are you doing okay? I mean, 40 years of marriage.
If you need someone to talk to Thank you for your gay omelet.
Now please be on your way.
I have a lot to unpack.
Emotionally or physically? Because I can help with both.
Good-bye, Russell.
Kenny's cellmate agreed to meet me at the park, but first I needed to pastor up.
What the hell are you doing here? Are these for Damien's grave? Are you nuts? Oh, Rudy, did you bring me flowers? Hope you like 'em.
Thank you.
Uh, what's going on here? You remember Detective Lovello.
We're dating.
I'm gonna go put these in some water.
Get in here.
[dramatic music] You were supposed to go back to Portland.
I was going to, but then I met Dora and [mimics explosion] Well, find someone else to [mimics explosion].
'Cause if you hang around Ladner, you could screw up my entire operation.
I don't think you have the right to tell me who I can or cannot date.
What are you two guys talking about in here? Well, Rudy here was asking me how long chlamydia takes to clear up.
Yeah, it's for a poor woman in a case that I have.
And the pastor has a lot of experience with STDs.
Well, it does my heart good to see you two bonding so quickly.
[eagle screeches] Hey there.
Are you Ray? You Tina's friend? - And her pastor.
My name is Pastor - Yeah, I don't give a shit.
She said you got a proposal.
Let's hear it.
Okay, here it is.
Instead of giving you 20 grand, we give you five grand in cash, plus something much more valuable than money.
Yeah, what you got? You got gold, diamonds? You got the A? Even better.
If you take this deal, I will personally talk to the Man Upstairs about securing you a place in his heavenly Kingdom forever and ever, amen.
You're [bleep] kidding me, right? Eternal salvation, my friend.
You can't put a price on that.
You tell Tina I want my 20 Gs by tomorrow or this gets ugly.
You really gotta litter like that? Yeah, you know, you're right.
Somebody should clean that up.
[grunts] [splash] I am definitely telling God about this! I needed another 15 grand and had no idea how to get it.
Times like these, I wish I believed in divine intervention.
- - [Hallelujah chorus] Buddy's Prayer racing at Judson Downs in 45 minutes.
[knock at door] Hey, Buddy.
Dora, we've been over this.
What's the point of knocking if you're just gonna barge in? I could have been Jacking off.
- Praying.
- Sorry.
Rudy wants to have dinner here tonight, and I just wanted to make sure you were good with that.
Wait, wait, Rudy wants to? Yeah, he loves this house.
He says it's so cozy.
Anyway, I may want to go out, but I just wanted to check with you.
Yeah, sure.
Just don't get cozy in my bedroom.
Um, Buddy, we've only been out twice.
We're seven dates away from second base.
Howdy-ho, Alden! What are you doing? Have you thought any more about that media center? You are drafting off me.
That's no fair! We could pick one out today.
I'll even help you put it up.
[sing-song] You know you want to! I don't respond to sing-song.
I'm not gonna stop till you say yes.
Fine, okay.
Now leave me be.
"Rhinestone Cowboy" is coming on, and that's when I like to turn on the afterburners.
No, it's not about the redhead, Tim.
I want to make sure we did the right thing burying that body.
I gotta make sure this guy's really FBI.
[tires squealing] I had two minutes to get my bet down.
They're at the gate.
It's post time.
Look, this is my first time.
I'm a little confused.
What do I do if I want to place a bet on a horse to come in second place? Oh, for the love of Christ! I am a registered pastor.
I need this window.
It is an emergency.
- That's a credit card.
- Thank you so much.
Hi, $5,000 to win on Buddy's Prayer.
- Hey, Dora.
Is Buddy here? - Hey.
How would I know? I'm only his assistant.
He doesn't tell me anything.
I tried calling him, and it went straight to voicemail.
Well, he's probably in another BJ session.
Excuse me? I know he needs them, but is it too much to ask for him to tell me when they are happening? Oh, no, get your mind out of the gutter, no, no, no.
BJ stands for Be Jesus.
It's not not that other thing.
Ooh, are these from Detective Lovello? Yeah, we're going out again tonight.
To be honest with you, I'm starting to have my doubts about him.
What are you talking about? Yesterday you were just telling Scrunchie he might have a new daddy.
- Why the change of heart? - I can't put my finger on it.
It's just that something doesn't seem right.
Dora, I know that you've been hurt a lot, but this guy is great.
He's handsome, he's employed, he got you flowers.
Yeah, but we've already run out of things to talk about.
I mean, other than Buddy.
We talk about Buddy a lot.
What about him? Well, you know, like, where he goes, what he does, that kind of stuff.
He's a pastor; it's not like he leads the most exciting life.
Run, you son of a bitch! Come on! It's Buddy's Prayer! [cheering] Yes! Yeah! Whoo! Yes! Oh, he's a winner! We got a winner today! Whoo! Whoo! There.
Help me move it against the wall? It's very impressive, Russell.
I I had no idea you were so handy.
All right, let's settle up.
You're kidding, right? I'm not gonna take money from you.
Alden Schmidt does not have an 800 credit rating from owing people.
[laughs] Okay, then how 'bout you take me to dinner? Tonight's karaoke night at the Junction.
Karaoke? You mean pathetic, out-of-tune idiots making fools of themselves? No thank you.
All right, then we can just go to dinner.
We can talk about what's going on with you and Hilva, - how you're coping - Wait.
Moses on a moped! I let you build the media center like you wanted.
Isn't that enough? You think I wanted to spend my entire afternoon doing this? Well, I didn't ask you to.
And I was going to give you $5! I was trying to be your friend but apparently, friendship isn't something you're capable of, so forget it.
You want to be alone, be alone forever.
Alexa, hey, I got some good news.
I'm heading to your store to tell you in person.
I always wanted to remember this moment.
The day Buddy Dobbs came through.
[knock at door] Surprise! I bought Chinese food.
Rudy, what are you doing here? I texted you that I wanted to go out.
Oh, I must've missed that.
Yeah, I got us a reservation at Macaroni Junction.
And I had to pull a few strings, but I got us in the caboose.
That sounds great, but wouldn't it be more intimate if we stayed in? Why don't you get some plates and I'll go get cleaned up? Um okay, sure, yeah.
[spy music] Rudy? What are you doing in here? Uh nothing.
I'm just washing up.
Uh, first of all, that's Buddy's favorite lotion.
He goes through, like, three bottles of that a month.
And second and more importantly, I don't think we're gonna work out.
What? Why not? I just don't feel like you're here for me.
Of course I am.
You're great.
I-I'm super into you.
What's my bird's name? Scratchy.
What kind of stupid name is Scratchy? It's Scrunchie.
Okay, what color are my eyes? Uh, blue blueish brown? They're hazel.
I mean, sometimes they're green when I wear a certain sweater.
But, you know what, doesn't matter.
I think that you should go.
I can't believe I wasted my caboose favor on you.
You bet all of my money on a horse race? And I won! 22,000 bucks.
What? You have $22,000? Well, I did.
As in, you don't anymore? It wasn't my fault.
I have proof! Look.
I was robbed.
That blurry thing behind me is about to knock me out.
How stupid can you be, fanning out all that cash in a racetrack parking lot? You say that with the benefit of hindsight.
At the time it seemed right.
Look how happy I was.
God damn it, Buddy, what am I supposed to do now? - This guy Ray is a psycho.
- Don't worry.
All right, I'll think of something.
- We're in this together.
- Not anymore.
I never should have trusted you.
[stammers] I hated letting Alexa down.
I had to think of something.
[slow country music] I've been walkin' these streets so long Singin' the same old song Get up here! Don't leave me alone! In the dirty sidewalks of Broadway [together] There's been a load of compromisin' On the road to my horizon But I'm gonna be where the lights Are shinin' on me Like a rhinestone cowboy The only words I want to hear out of your mouth is "here's your money.
" I am working on it.
You think you can send some preacher boy my way and everything is gonna be fine? Do you know what I went to prison for? [dramatic music] I like to burn things.
What are you gonna do, torch my store? Oh, no.
I was thinking about your favorite pastor's church with all his sheep inside.
Okay, Ray, you do not need to hurt innocent people.
I will get you your money.
I'll throw any extra $2,000 on top.
You got one day.
Now, Russell, I want to apologize to you.
Oh, come on.
You weren't that off key.
I I was talking about the way I treated you before.
Water under the bridge, but thank you.
See, the thing it just it's it's hard for me to talk about my feelings now.
Especially as regards my wife.
But I'm sure you can't relate to this, but I have never failed in anything before.
It's not a failure to end something that isn't working more, Alden.
Should we have some dinner? What? Who eats after 7:00? This isn't Barcelona! [cell phone vibrating] Um, sorry, I had to close early tonight, but I will be open again as soon as I can.
Okay? I was ready to give Jasmine a charity pitch she couldn't refuse.
[cell phone ringing] Northwest Field Office.
State your code, Agent.
Agent? State your code.
I knew Lovello would snoop around, so I planted that number in the drawer.
Hopefully, that would be the end of him.
Miss Evans, thank you so much for taking the time to meet me.
Ah, so formal.
Why do I get the feeling you're about to hit me up for some money? Well, as a matter of fact, I do have a worthy cause.
Business can wait.
I took the liberty of ordering us some martinis.
I hope you don't mind.
I'm pretty upset, but I'll get over it.
To a beautiful woman with a giving heart.
And a bitchin' ride.
Oh, that's the truth.
Ooh! It's dirty Oh, I like dirty.
I get the feeling Coming over me Caught stealing Just watch me Breathe fire [ominous music] What's going on? Did you roofie me? It was easier than cracking you on the head like I did at the track.
You took my money? Look, I'm not sure you understand the concept of charity.
Yeah, I would've grabbed you then, but security drove by.
If you wanted to play sex games, all you had to do was ask.
That is not why you're in my basement, Mr.
Then why am I here? My man Damien went to Ladner to find you and no one has seen him since.
So you better tell me where he is.
- [whip snaps] - [whimpers] And I better like your answer.