Jack of All Trades (2000) s01e04 Episode Script
Once You Go Jack...
Six hundred francs.
What, for that old rag? Phooey.
I'll give you two.
For a shrewd customer like you, You're being cheated.
Misers! Money-grubbers! Uh, valued customers! Deal.
And throw in that one.
That is to the lady's liking.
Good work, Abdullah.
Silk from China? Orders from England.
Abdullah's one of our new operatives.
According to this, there's a supercannon on the island.
So I've been told.
It's long, wide.
Its balls are enormous.
(CHUCKLING) Guilty as charged.
Supercannon Stiles, they call me.
If it works, France will use it to bombard England across the Channel.
So? It could pave the way for an invasion.
Big deal.
England might lose the war! Oh, boo-hoo.
(YAWNING) The fate of the free world hangs in the balance.
You'll get to blow something up.
All right, count me in.
Good.
(SIGHING) It's a beautiful day, and the smell of violence is in the air.
What could possibly go wrong? (JACK SHOUTING) Jack! (GASPING) Jack! (JACK EXCLAIMING) Who is that? It's my old partner.
(BARKING) (GROWLING) (SINGING) In 1801, the Revolution had been won And Uncle Sam's favorite son Had a job he needed done Which brought Jack to a lady Both beautiful and smart Who found his mix intriguing A scoundrel with a heart! From the Halls of Montezuma To the shores of Tripoli There was never a leatherneck braver A daring dragoon is he! He'll halt the bold advance Of Napoleon's attack There ain't a French or pirate rogue Who don't know Jack! From the Halls of Montezuma To the shores of Tripoli Sailin' 'round the bloody world To defend democracy And when ya need a fightin' man To trust or watch your back Just ask the bloke right next to ya Damn right! It's Jack! Oh, no, not a Charlie Horse! No! Your old partner? Emilia, I want you to meet Kentucky Sue.
KENTUCKY: How do you do, little lady? I see.
Did you find him as impossible as I do? Plumb impossible! Excuse me.
The inn is down the road.
Who's this fussbudget? She's my new partner.
New partner? Ladies, come on, now.
There's plenty of me to go around.
Jack Stiles, you're still the same mangy old dog.
Yeah, and you're still the same feisty alley cat.
We were some team in the old days.
Yeah, a couple of New York Yankees.
That Boston Tea Party was a mighty fine idea of yours.
Well, I always preferred coffee anyway.
But I gotta tell you, putting the itching powder in Cornwallis' jock, what a zinger! Yeah, those were the days.
Fighting them Brits instead of making nice with them.
I beg your pardon.
What you term sissy reflects England's lofty level of civilization.
Science, law, art, culture.
Oh, aren't we using big words today? She always go on like that? Yeah.
Only when she's not yelling at me.
Excuse me, I do not yell.
I chastise.
Too bad.
I've never been one for chastity.
Yeah, you got that right, baby.
Hey, you remember in Valley Forge when we melted that snow? (BOTH EXCLAIMING) You were some Minuteman.
Minuteman? What are you talking about, baby? I was a five-minute man at least.
Come on, you! So let me get this straight.
You two were making love, not war.
No, between my masterful swordplay and Kentucky's skill with the pistol, oh, we were something else, baby! (GRUNTING) JACK: So how on earth did you ever wind up in Palau-Palau? KENTUCKY: Well, I'm on leave from the service, so I figured I'd track you down.
You came 8,000 miles just to say hi? I mean, after the way things ended, I figured you wouldn't want to see hide nor hair of me.
Yeah, well, I gotta fess up, I took it hard.
Hey, look what I made for you.
You made something for me? Oh, look at that.
A bullet with my name on it.
Gee, Kentucky, that sure was thoughtful.
I swore I'd never rest till I saw this in your back.
But you know what they say about time healing wounds and all.
Just tell me one thing, Jackie.
Why'd you leave me? SOLDIER: But you have not paid customs duty.
MAN: But I did.
That was the Governor's duty.
Where is mine? If I give you more money And I waited for you, Jack.
I waited at West Point up to my knees in snow.
And you said you'd be back and then you were Gone.
(JACK LAUGHING) Oh, no, you don't.
Good to the last drop.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Don't I know you? Yeah.
(KENTUCKY GIGGLING) JACK: Oh! Oh, baby! Come on! I know you love it! Yeah.
(GRUNTING) Hi, Em.
What on earth are you two doing? This is not a barnyard.
Well, Kentucky was just showing me a couple of her moves.
Jack, come with me this instant.
I think Jack can make up his own mind.
He could if he could remember where he lost it.
Jack! Hey, nobody bosses him around like that except for me! I beg your pardon, Miss Kentucky, but while in my house, you will act with proper decorum.
If this is proper decorum, I'll take a prairie mud hut any day of the week.
If you don't mind, we have business to conduct.
Oh, Jack Stiles, you have really done it this time.
Emilia Rothschild, I think you're jealous.
(SCOFFS) Oh, jealous? Me, jealous? Oh, yeah.
That's preposterous.
The very idea makes me want to laugh.
Oh, yeah, I can see it right now.
She's everything you wish you were.
A crack shot.
A crackpot.
A master sleuth.
Foul and uncouth.
Completely crass.
Yeah, but a great piece of This is no time for joking.
We need to find that cannon and destroy it fast.
And as far as that tumbleweed trollop in there goes Oh, have some pity on the girl, will you? Once you go Jack, you never go back.
Her presence is a complication we can't afford.
Well, as much as it burns my tongue to say it, you're right.
JACK: (VOICEOVER) I'll tell her tonight at Croque's dinner party.
You must try the crab vol-au-vent.
Exquisite.
Until that gun has been tested, I have no appetite.
Have you picked a target? The locals have been restless lately.
Resisting our taxmen, avoiding forced labor.
So we are targeting a village across the strait.
Live victims.
That will show them the might of France.
Of course, of course.
What is the village called? Kaupang.
Never heard of it.
Oh, don't bother remembering.
By this time next week, it will no longer be in existence.
Kentucky, there's something I gotta tell you.
There's something I gotta tell you, too.
You better let me go first.
See, I've got a job to do here.
And I promise I won't get in the way.
(STAMMERING) That's good, but I can even help you.
I've never been much for cooking and cleaning, but I can ride a shotgun.
What are you saying? Same thing you're trying to say, silly.
I accept.
I'll marry you.
Gee, Kentucky, well, I'm flattered.
I really am.
But I don't think I'm the type of guy for you.
I mean, I can't offer you a home or a hearth or any of the things you deserve.
I mean, I can't even promise that I won't come home in a box with a sword sticking out of my back.
So You gotta understand.
I understand.
You're a no-good, rabid prairie dog! Look, I'm sorry.
No! You're gonna be sorry.
Sorry you were ever born! Sorry you ever laid eyes on me! No.
No, dear Sorry you ever messed with Kentucky Sue! (CROQUE CHUCKLING) It seems that yet another woman has fallen for the charms of Monsieur Stiles.
Mademoiselle, I do not believe I've had the pleasure.
Kentucky Sue.
But you'll remember me as the woman who turned in the Daring Dragoon.
The Daring Dragoon? You heard me.
He's right under your nose.
The Dragoon is yours.
He's He's right here.
In the colony.
Governor, I'd like to present my fiancée.
Fiancée? Fiancée? Sweeter than a slug of bourbon, shining brighter than the old Kentucky moon.
Governor, I've never been one to procrastinate.
Marry us this Sunday.
CROQUE: Of course, my friend.
But we would not want the Dragoon to spoil the wedding party, would we, mademoiselle? You said he could be captured.
Well Well, of course he can because he's right here under our noses.
Why, I've even heard that he's looking for some kind of a weapon.
He will never find the supercannon.
(CHOKING) JACK: Well, maybe that's the problem.
Instead of hiding it away, why don't you demonstrate the supercannon in public? Yeah, the Dragoon will turn up, and then you can spring your trap.
Yeah! How devious.
Jack, I think you have finally met your match.
Spread the word! The supercannon is (CLEARING THROAT) (SHUSHING) Up at the fortress! (PEOPLE EXCLAIMING) Let the Dragoon come.
We shall be ready for him.
Jack, we're gonna be so happy.
And now that we're engaged, I got me some ideas about how I want to be romanced.
(EXCLAIMING) (SINGING) L is for the only one you see Oh, I forgot the words entirely (EXCLAIMING) Careful! This substance I'm working on is very unstable.
Any loud noise could set off an explosion.
You kidding me? One more minute with Kentucky, and I'll explode.
A whole week of flowers, music, poetry.
(SHUDDERING) I feel dirty.
Sounds like Miss Kentucky's having a civilizing influence on you.
If I was any more civilized, I'd be wearing a dress.
What is that? This is what I'm going to use to blow up the supercannon.
Jack, it seems to me you don't have much of a choice.
You'll have to appeal to her better qualities for understanding and tell her the truth.
Yeah, I guess The truth? Where'd you get a crazy idea like that? No, she'd never be able to handle it.
(SIGHING) My only choice is to run like a hyena in heat.
I should've known, Stiles.
You hornswoggled me once and you ain't gonna do it again! Jackal! Coyote! You yellow-bellied Get down! dog! I think she's made some excellent points.
Oh, not you, too? Hey, hey, whoa, whoa! Wait, wait, wait.
It's me you want.
Leave her out of it.
So that's it.
You want her instead of me.
That hoity-toity bookworm! I think you left out snooty.
(WHISPERING) Snooty? Controlling.
Stuck-up.
Wet blanket.
I think we've made our point here.
Trust me, she's not half the woman you are.
It's true! He's right, I'm not.
(STAMMERING) But Still, I can't let you hurt her.
I'm the one you want, so come on, give it your best shot.
No, wait! Wait! Although we started on the wrong foot, I must admit I've come to admire you.
You're tough and you're smart and beneath that rough exterior, I know you have class.
Too much to commit this barbaric act.
You really think I'm classy? I'm sure of it.
Well, thanks.
But I'm still gonna kill him! Goddamn you, Jack! Just tell me one thing.
Why did you leave me at West Point? 'Cause I had a job to do.
I'm a sucker when lives are at stake.
Whose life? Yours.
Mine? I had orders to kill you, Kentucky.
High Command thought that you were gonna turn West Point over to the British, so I had to smoke out the real traitor.
Some joker named Benedict Arnold.
My heart was always yours, kid, but it It's just not in the cards.
I'm sorry.
Well, I gotta go on with my hero act, so if you'll excuse me.
Target the village.
In position! (SPEAKING FRENCH) Ready, mon gouverneur.
And fire! (LAUGHING) So you're throwing a party and you didn't invite me.
Now! (WHISTLING) CROQUE: Who are you? Stop in the name of France! You will keep still when I am talking to you! (WHISTLING) I am the Governor! But where can he be? Now I have you, monsieur.
(GUN FIRING) Where are you? JACK: All right, who's next, huh? That's my little alley cat.
You old skunk rat, you.
I must know who you are.
I'm the itch you can't scratch, the gas you can't pass.
(WHISTLING) Today would be good.
(EXCLAIMING) And now, my little friend, we shall see what we shall see! (GASPING) It is a bomb! (JACK LAUGHING) My beautiful cannon! Well, I guess this is it, eh? Yep.
Gotta get me back to Washington.
Jefferson flips his wig when I'm gone.
Tell the old man I miss him.
Oh, and he still owes me a case of bourbon.
Sorry for messing up your lab and all.
Don't worry.
As soon as you're gone, I'll have Jack get to work with his mop.
You ride hard on him.
You know, for a snooty, stuck-up, prissy, Brit fancy-pants, you're all right! Likewise.
Yeah.
Good luck, miss.
Yeah.
You might want this.
I won't be needing it no more, but if you ever need Kentucky Sue, you just give me a holler.
You know, different time, different place, things might've worked out between us.
You're sure a hell of a gal, Kentucky.
Yeah, I know.
Different time, different place.
You mangy old dog, you! KENTUCKY: Say, you're kind of cute.
Jack, do you really think I'm prissy? Prissy? No.
Now, stuck-up, maybe.
(CHUCKLING) And snooty, well I mean, no one can deny that.
(JACK GROANING) Now, as far as fancy-pants goes, well, that's debatable because you don't really wear pants.
What, for that old rag? Phooey.
I'll give you two.
For a shrewd customer like you, You're being cheated.
Misers! Money-grubbers! Uh, valued customers! Deal.
And throw in that one.
That is to the lady's liking.
Good work, Abdullah.
Silk from China? Orders from England.
Abdullah's one of our new operatives.
According to this, there's a supercannon on the island.
So I've been told.
It's long, wide.
Its balls are enormous.
(CHUCKLING) Guilty as charged.
Supercannon Stiles, they call me.
If it works, France will use it to bombard England across the Channel.
So? It could pave the way for an invasion.
Big deal.
England might lose the war! Oh, boo-hoo.
(YAWNING) The fate of the free world hangs in the balance.
You'll get to blow something up.
All right, count me in.
Good.
(SIGHING) It's a beautiful day, and the smell of violence is in the air.
What could possibly go wrong? (JACK SHOUTING) Jack! (GASPING) Jack! (JACK EXCLAIMING) Who is that? It's my old partner.
(BARKING) (GROWLING) (SINGING) In 1801, the Revolution had been won And Uncle Sam's favorite son Had a job he needed done Which brought Jack to a lady Both beautiful and smart Who found his mix intriguing A scoundrel with a heart! From the Halls of Montezuma To the shores of Tripoli There was never a leatherneck braver A daring dragoon is he! He'll halt the bold advance Of Napoleon's attack There ain't a French or pirate rogue Who don't know Jack! From the Halls of Montezuma To the shores of Tripoli Sailin' 'round the bloody world To defend democracy And when ya need a fightin' man To trust or watch your back Just ask the bloke right next to ya Damn right! It's Jack! Oh, no, not a Charlie Horse! No! Your old partner? Emilia, I want you to meet Kentucky Sue.
KENTUCKY: How do you do, little lady? I see.
Did you find him as impossible as I do? Plumb impossible! Excuse me.
The inn is down the road.
Who's this fussbudget? She's my new partner.
New partner? Ladies, come on, now.
There's plenty of me to go around.
Jack Stiles, you're still the same mangy old dog.
Yeah, and you're still the same feisty alley cat.
We were some team in the old days.
Yeah, a couple of New York Yankees.
That Boston Tea Party was a mighty fine idea of yours.
Well, I always preferred coffee anyway.
But I gotta tell you, putting the itching powder in Cornwallis' jock, what a zinger! Yeah, those were the days.
Fighting them Brits instead of making nice with them.
I beg your pardon.
What you term sissy reflects England's lofty level of civilization.
Science, law, art, culture.
Oh, aren't we using big words today? She always go on like that? Yeah.
Only when she's not yelling at me.
Excuse me, I do not yell.
I chastise.
Too bad.
I've never been one for chastity.
Yeah, you got that right, baby.
Hey, you remember in Valley Forge when we melted that snow? (BOTH EXCLAIMING) You were some Minuteman.
Minuteman? What are you talking about, baby? I was a five-minute man at least.
Come on, you! So let me get this straight.
You two were making love, not war.
No, between my masterful swordplay and Kentucky's skill with the pistol, oh, we were something else, baby! (GRUNTING) JACK: So how on earth did you ever wind up in Palau-Palau? KENTUCKY: Well, I'm on leave from the service, so I figured I'd track you down.
You came 8,000 miles just to say hi? I mean, after the way things ended, I figured you wouldn't want to see hide nor hair of me.
Yeah, well, I gotta fess up, I took it hard.
Hey, look what I made for you.
You made something for me? Oh, look at that.
A bullet with my name on it.
Gee, Kentucky, that sure was thoughtful.
I swore I'd never rest till I saw this in your back.
But you know what they say about time healing wounds and all.
Just tell me one thing, Jackie.
Why'd you leave me? SOLDIER: But you have not paid customs duty.
MAN: But I did.
That was the Governor's duty.
Where is mine? If I give you more money And I waited for you, Jack.
I waited at West Point up to my knees in snow.
And you said you'd be back and then you were Gone.
(JACK LAUGHING) Oh, no, you don't.
Good to the last drop.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Don't I know you? Yeah.
(KENTUCKY GIGGLING) JACK: Oh! Oh, baby! Come on! I know you love it! Yeah.
(GRUNTING) Hi, Em.
What on earth are you two doing? This is not a barnyard.
Well, Kentucky was just showing me a couple of her moves.
Jack, come with me this instant.
I think Jack can make up his own mind.
He could if he could remember where he lost it.
Jack! Hey, nobody bosses him around like that except for me! I beg your pardon, Miss Kentucky, but while in my house, you will act with proper decorum.
If this is proper decorum, I'll take a prairie mud hut any day of the week.
If you don't mind, we have business to conduct.
Oh, Jack Stiles, you have really done it this time.
Emilia Rothschild, I think you're jealous.
(SCOFFS) Oh, jealous? Me, jealous? Oh, yeah.
That's preposterous.
The very idea makes me want to laugh.
Oh, yeah, I can see it right now.
She's everything you wish you were.
A crack shot.
A crackpot.
A master sleuth.
Foul and uncouth.
Completely crass.
Yeah, but a great piece of This is no time for joking.
We need to find that cannon and destroy it fast.
And as far as that tumbleweed trollop in there goes Oh, have some pity on the girl, will you? Once you go Jack, you never go back.
Her presence is a complication we can't afford.
Well, as much as it burns my tongue to say it, you're right.
JACK: (VOICEOVER) I'll tell her tonight at Croque's dinner party.
You must try the crab vol-au-vent.
Exquisite.
Until that gun has been tested, I have no appetite.
Have you picked a target? The locals have been restless lately.
Resisting our taxmen, avoiding forced labor.
So we are targeting a village across the strait.
Live victims.
That will show them the might of France.
Of course, of course.
What is the village called? Kaupang.
Never heard of it.
Oh, don't bother remembering.
By this time next week, it will no longer be in existence.
Kentucky, there's something I gotta tell you.
There's something I gotta tell you, too.
You better let me go first.
See, I've got a job to do here.
And I promise I won't get in the way.
(STAMMERING) That's good, but I can even help you.
I've never been much for cooking and cleaning, but I can ride a shotgun.
What are you saying? Same thing you're trying to say, silly.
I accept.
I'll marry you.
Gee, Kentucky, well, I'm flattered.
I really am.
But I don't think I'm the type of guy for you.
I mean, I can't offer you a home or a hearth or any of the things you deserve.
I mean, I can't even promise that I won't come home in a box with a sword sticking out of my back.
So You gotta understand.
I understand.
You're a no-good, rabid prairie dog! Look, I'm sorry.
No! You're gonna be sorry.
Sorry you were ever born! Sorry you ever laid eyes on me! No.
No, dear Sorry you ever messed with Kentucky Sue! (CROQUE CHUCKLING) It seems that yet another woman has fallen for the charms of Monsieur Stiles.
Mademoiselle, I do not believe I've had the pleasure.
Kentucky Sue.
But you'll remember me as the woman who turned in the Daring Dragoon.
The Daring Dragoon? You heard me.
He's right under your nose.
The Dragoon is yours.
He's He's right here.
In the colony.
Governor, I'd like to present my fiancée.
Fiancée? Fiancée? Sweeter than a slug of bourbon, shining brighter than the old Kentucky moon.
Governor, I've never been one to procrastinate.
Marry us this Sunday.
CROQUE: Of course, my friend.
But we would not want the Dragoon to spoil the wedding party, would we, mademoiselle? You said he could be captured.
Well Well, of course he can because he's right here under our noses.
Why, I've even heard that he's looking for some kind of a weapon.
He will never find the supercannon.
(CHOKING) JACK: Well, maybe that's the problem.
Instead of hiding it away, why don't you demonstrate the supercannon in public? Yeah, the Dragoon will turn up, and then you can spring your trap.
Yeah! How devious.
Jack, I think you have finally met your match.
Spread the word! The supercannon is (CLEARING THROAT) (SHUSHING) Up at the fortress! (PEOPLE EXCLAIMING) Let the Dragoon come.
We shall be ready for him.
Jack, we're gonna be so happy.
And now that we're engaged, I got me some ideas about how I want to be romanced.
(EXCLAIMING) (SINGING) L is for the only one you see Oh, I forgot the words entirely (EXCLAIMING) Careful! This substance I'm working on is very unstable.
Any loud noise could set off an explosion.
You kidding me? One more minute with Kentucky, and I'll explode.
A whole week of flowers, music, poetry.
(SHUDDERING) I feel dirty.
Sounds like Miss Kentucky's having a civilizing influence on you.
If I was any more civilized, I'd be wearing a dress.
What is that? This is what I'm going to use to blow up the supercannon.
Jack, it seems to me you don't have much of a choice.
You'll have to appeal to her better qualities for understanding and tell her the truth.
Yeah, I guess The truth? Where'd you get a crazy idea like that? No, she'd never be able to handle it.
(SIGHING) My only choice is to run like a hyena in heat.
I should've known, Stiles.
You hornswoggled me once and you ain't gonna do it again! Jackal! Coyote! You yellow-bellied Get down! dog! I think she's made some excellent points.
Oh, not you, too? Hey, hey, whoa, whoa! Wait, wait, wait.
It's me you want.
Leave her out of it.
So that's it.
You want her instead of me.
That hoity-toity bookworm! I think you left out snooty.
(WHISPERING) Snooty? Controlling.
Stuck-up.
Wet blanket.
I think we've made our point here.
Trust me, she's not half the woman you are.
It's true! He's right, I'm not.
(STAMMERING) But Still, I can't let you hurt her.
I'm the one you want, so come on, give it your best shot.
No, wait! Wait! Although we started on the wrong foot, I must admit I've come to admire you.
You're tough and you're smart and beneath that rough exterior, I know you have class.
Too much to commit this barbaric act.
You really think I'm classy? I'm sure of it.
Well, thanks.
But I'm still gonna kill him! Goddamn you, Jack! Just tell me one thing.
Why did you leave me at West Point? 'Cause I had a job to do.
I'm a sucker when lives are at stake.
Whose life? Yours.
Mine? I had orders to kill you, Kentucky.
High Command thought that you were gonna turn West Point over to the British, so I had to smoke out the real traitor.
Some joker named Benedict Arnold.
My heart was always yours, kid, but it It's just not in the cards.
I'm sorry.
Well, I gotta go on with my hero act, so if you'll excuse me.
Target the village.
In position! (SPEAKING FRENCH) Ready, mon gouverneur.
And fire! (LAUGHING) So you're throwing a party and you didn't invite me.
Now! (WHISTLING) CROQUE: Who are you? Stop in the name of France! You will keep still when I am talking to you! (WHISTLING) I am the Governor! But where can he be? Now I have you, monsieur.
(GUN FIRING) Where are you? JACK: All right, who's next, huh? That's my little alley cat.
You old skunk rat, you.
I must know who you are.
I'm the itch you can't scratch, the gas you can't pass.
(WHISTLING) Today would be good.
(EXCLAIMING) And now, my little friend, we shall see what we shall see! (GASPING) It is a bomb! (JACK LAUGHING) My beautiful cannon! Well, I guess this is it, eh? Yep.
Gotta get me back to Washington.
Jefferson flips his wig when I'm gone.
Tell the old man I miss him.
Oh, and he still owes me a case of bourbon.
Sorry for messing up your lab and all.
Don't worry.
As soon as you're gone, I'll have Jack get to work with his mop.
You ride hard on him.
You know, for a snooty, stuck-up, prissy, Brit fancy-pants, you're all right! Likewise.
Yeah.
Good luck, miss.
Yeah.
You might want this.
I won't be needing it no more, but if you ever need Kentucky Sue, you just give me a holler.
You know, different time, different place, things might've worked out between us.
You're sure a hell of a gal, Kentucky.
Yeah, I know.
Different time, different place.
You mangy old dog, you! KENTUCKY: Say, you're kind of cute.
Jack, do you really think I'm prissy? Prissy? No.
Now, stuck-up, maybe.
(CHUCKLING) And snooty, well I mean, no one can deny that.
(JACK GROANING) Now, as far as fancy-pants goes, well, that's debatable because you don't really wear pants.