Jack of All Trades (2000) s01e05 Episode Script
The People's Dragoon
Mesdames et messieurs, a toast to the supreme empereur de France, Napoleon Bonaparte, who in his infinite wisdom has given the people of Palau-Palau a most inspiring gift.
Moi.
Now that's what I call a French toast.
Would the Emperor not be outraged if he knew his own brother was honoring him with an American wine? Yeah, I thought Napoleon's trade embargo put the kibosh on imported hooch.
Oh, it was your men that raided that supply ship last week, eh, Croquester? Emilia, your new attaché is indeed quite astute.
I'll have to take your word on that, Governor.
I hope you were not too upset that your little, fledgling democracy was emasculated on the open sea, Jacques.
Not if it means free booze.
I'll club him with that day-old baguette, you find the loot.
Do try to live up to your name, Mr.
Stiles.
Governor, I humbly offer the use of my exporting vessels to ship your bounty back to France.
The Governor has no intention of parting with his prize, madame.
CROQUE: As you Americans say, "Finders, keepers.
" Oh, I dropped my napkin.
Chivalry's dead.
Get it yourself.
If Monsieur Stiles were my attaché, I would string him up by his ooh-la-las as a warning to all insolents wherever they may hide.
Take your head out and stay a while, Le Pew.
It looks like you could use the air.
We, British have a saying, Captain, "There's more than one way to crack a nut.
" (SPOON CLANGING) Let me help you with your napkin.
Oh, thank you.
(WHISPERING) Leggo my Eggos.
The Governor's life is in danger.
You're telling me.
If he insults the stars and stripes one more time Listen, Jack, that little girl has been assembling a gun.
You're imagining things.
And I would know.
I took a bullet for Washington when he was crossing the Delaware.
I cut the string on Franklin's kite to keep him from frying his fat ass.
And you wanna know why? 'Cause I smell danger wherever it wafts.
Oh.
Okay, it's wafting.
But you still haven't told me why I should care.
I thought our mission here was to keep Napoleon from expanding his influence into the East Indies.
Croque may be a swine, Jack, but he is a tolerable swine.
If he were to die, Napoleon would unleash so great a fury on Palau-Palau that our mission would be rendered impossible.
Not to mention that little girl would be executed.
Oh, my sense of duty gives me such a headache.
Annie, more aspic for my poulet rôti.
MAN: Pass the chicken.
Jack! MAN: Let's pick up the girl.
Jack.
Go.
Go.
Jack? Splendid party, Governor.
(SINGING) In 1801, the Revolution had been won And Uncle Sam's favorite son Had a job he needed done Which brought Jack to a lady Both beautiful and smart Who found his mix intriguing A scoundrel with a heart! From the Halls of Montezuma To the shores of Tripoli There was never a leatherneck braver A daring dragoon is he! He'll halt the bold advance Of Napoleon's attack There ain't a French or pirate rogue Who don't know Jack! From the Halls of Montezuma To the shores of Tripoli Sailin' 'round the bloody world To defend democracy And when ya need a fightin' man To trust or watch your back Just ask the bloke right next to ya Damn right! It's Jack! Execute her at once.
JACK: No, wait.
(COUGHING) It's all right.
No harm done.
What is the meaning of this? A test.
A test? A test of your security system.
Right, Jack? That's right.
We were just trying to expose your soft spots.
And I think we've found the weak link.
I detect an insulting implication in your statement, monsieur.
I'm sorry.
What I meant was, you're a moron.
And the girl? A paid accomplice.
For the purpose of our little demonstration.
(CHUCKLING) There you go, dear.
Now, run along.
Captain, I think you could take a hint from our American friend, no? (GROWLING) (GRUNTING ANGRILY) Let us have dessert.
After you.
I got to hand it to you, Em.
You were pretty quick on your feet.
Jack, how precisely did you end up with a tray stuffed down your shirt? You know the great thing about being an American? You can plead the Fifth.
You were stealing Croque's silverware? Would you rather I ask for a raise? Oh.
JEAN-CLAUDE: Jack, have you forgotten why you were sent here? Who wants to know? Well, who do you think? I bear an urgent communiqué from President Jefferson.
You must find the stolen gold shipment and send it back to America.
What does he think I'm doing here? Oh, I cannot say it in front of the lady.
You must think we're the suckers of the spy world, pal.
Why would we take phony orders from a French carrier parrot? (SQUAWKS) Because you're not the only ones undercover, monsieur.
Vive la résistance! That is the most loquacious fowl I've ever encountered.
Hey, look, there's our little assassin.
No need to thank us, dear.
Give me that.
What is it with you? You ruined my only chance to get vengeance on that monster.
Well, what has the Governor done to you? My parents have always paid their taxes.
But this year my father took ill.
And when they couldn't pay, they were thrown in prison.
Ah, what's the worst they could get? A year or two? Deftly handled, Jack.
Hey, listen.
Don't cry, we'll figure something out.
Besides, your parents wouldn't want you putting yourself in harm's way on their account.
Now promise me that you're gonna stop these shenanigans until we figure out what to do, okay, swinkle? Okay.
Give me that.
Jack, the way you handled that little girl was, well, very touching.
It seems that just when I have you figured out, you surprise me.
(CHUCKLING) Are you kidding? A man will say anything to keep a woman from crying.
It's like nails on a chalkboard.
Hey, you don't like the answer, don't ask the question.
You told that little girl we'd think of something, and we just did.
We're stealing the gold back from Croque, all right, but we're going to use it to pay off the people's taxes.
(CLEARING THROAT) Now, I know you think I'm a louse, but I would never disobey a direct order.
And I would never sell out my own country, not even for Little Orphan Annie.
Turn off the faucet, sister.
I wasn't born yesterday.
Well, it was worth a try.
But I won't give up on this one, Jack.
Wait a minute.
You're a wealthy exporter.
Why don't you just pony up the cash, moneybags? I export local arts and crafts, but I only keep enough to maintain my cover.
The real profits go back to the people.
Well, then, we'll just have to agree to disagree.
But agree that stealing the gold is still an agreeable plan, agreed? Don't make me use my stuff on you, baby.
I'm showing you how we're going to steal the money.
My latest invention made from the sap of a rubber tree.
It's rope with elastic property.
Oh, yeah, what did you have in mind? Will you stop that? Now, pay attention.
The gold is still at the port.
I will arrange to accompany the Governor when he escorts it back to his mansion.
EMILIA: (VOICEOVER) Then I'll make a suggestion.
(EMILIA LAUGHING) It's such a lovely day, Governor, why not take the scenic route? A splendid idea, Emilia.
Pierre, the scenic route.
EMILIA: (VOICEOVER) That's where you come in.
You'll position yourself at our predetermined ambush point.
Where just as we pass under the bridge, you'll swoop down, steal the gold and spring back up to safety.
Well, they say rubber's You there, halt! Prepare to die, Dragoon.
How'd you know I'd be here? My security techniques have recently been called into question.
I've since learned to expect the unexpected.
Me and my big mouth.
Arrete! What have we here? I've captured the Dragoon, Governor! I owe you an apology, Captain.
It seems your security measures are second to none.
And now we will find out the true identity of this caped annoyance.
I am quite giddy, madame.
How about you? The suspense alone could kill me.
You were right, Captain.
Always expect the unexpected.
(LAUGHING) BROGARD: Get him! Kill him! Shoot him! (WHINNYING) Oops.
Mon Dieu! En garde! (SOLDIER YELLING) BROGARD: Idiot! In chess, this is what we call a stalemate.
Yeah? And in Parcheesi, this is what we call a Come to think of it, there's no such thing as a tie in Parcheesi.
And what does that have to do with anything? Well, you brought up the games.
I'm just making conversation.
Then I have a proposition for you.
Oh? Let us agree to live one more day.
Fine by me.
Oh, Captain, don't look now, but your barn door's open and your cows are getting out.
(LAUGHING) Zut alors! When I agreed to let you train with my men, Captain, I expected them back.
Forgive me, Governor, but this Dragoon made a fool out of me today.
If word spreads of his existence, it could galvanize the people.
Not for long.
And not even the Dragoon will be able to resuscitate the peoples' spirits.
Well, that was a swell plan, brainiac.
Next time, maybe we ought to just throw a bunch of sharp objects up in the air and hope for the best.
If it weren't for my elastic rope, the taxidermist would be stuffing your thick skull right now to replace the moose above the Governor's fireplace.
Next time, we do things my way.
Capisce? Oh, and which way is that? Rattle the cage and beg for a banana? Close.
We break into Croque's vault.
Brilliant.
As if we had any other choice.
I'll need to concoct something to get us past the lock.
(BELL RINGING) Oh, yeah, I need another one of your gizmos like I need a hole in the head, sister.
Hi.
Come on in.
(EMILIA EXCLAIMS) Give me that.
Are you out of your mind? You said you'd think of something to get my parents out of jail.
You gotta learn to manage your disappointment a little better, kid.
I miss them so much.
Your turn.
There, there, my dear.
Unfortunately, there are selfish people in the world who justify their crimes against humanity by saying they were just following orders.
Yes, and there are other people whose bleeding hearts make them forget that certain things aren't theirs to give away.
Let's not forget those who look normal on the outside, but are, in fact, Lucifer's minions sent from the bowels of Hell to torture us.
Then there's the women who love them.
(SCOFFING) All we can do is hope for the best, my dear.
You never know when you'll be surprised by the kindness of strangers.
Well, this vault should keep the Dragoon at bay, Captain, or should I call him the Flying Dragoon? Our peasants and their rumors.
I assure you, we will dispel these myths when we hang the Dragoon's dead body next to the Emperor's flag.
Hmm.
(LAUGHING) You hear that? You're talking to the Flying Dragoon.
I'm a legend, baby.
I wonder how that rumor began.
All right, I'm sorry I made fun of your inventions.
I'm glad you feel that way because here's another.
Ah, I was wondering when we were going to play doctor.
By the way, nice outfit.
Who painted it on you? Can I ask you a question, Jack? Sure.
You were sent here to protect American interests, correct? Yeah.
And would you qualify freedom as an American interest? Yeah.
So by your own definition, using American gold to set Annie's parents free would be tantamount to preserving democracy overseas, correct? Oh, of course.
Wait a minute.
Nice try.
That is the strangest clock I've ever seen.
No, it's the alarm.
Well, we'll just turn it off.
No! Oh.
Double time it, sister.
We've been made.
(CHUCKLING) Come on, down the hatch.
My gold! To the stairs.
Get off.
Just what I want to see.
It's Croque's dirty laundry.
Hey, you still got that springy thingy? Oh, you mean the one that saved your life? Yeah, yeah.
Look, here's the plan.
We're gonna do a reverse Santie Claus, see? We're gonna shimmy up that chimney to the roof, then swing to freedom on your rubber hose.
What an appropriate place to find you, monsieur.
This time your goose is cooked.
Oh, yeah? Over my dead salami.
Well, I guess it's cold cuts for everyone.
Kill him.
No! He's mine.
(JACK LAUGHING) Brogard, I think you have done quite enough.
Kill the Dragoon! (JACK LAUGHING) Well, it seems the Dragoon has breaded us, Captain.
Perhaps you should take this opportunity to rethink your strategy.
Here you go, pal.
It's all yours.
And tell the President I'm not a lost and found, will you? Em, you're a good sport for letting me use one of your ships to return the gold.
Yes, your country will be very proud indeed.
They couldn't possibly have survived without those two bags of gold.
I'll tell Annie the good news.
Oh.
I picked them myself.
I'm sorry, but I couldn't afford a gift.
These are my parents.
Well, I don't understand.
You were right about the kindness of strangers.
The Dragoon paid our taxes, and now my parents are free.
What a guy.
Just do me a favor.
Next time you want to shoot something, come on by and we'll shoot the breeze.
Well, you know how the shipping business is.
You always lose You can't keep track of every little dollar.
You don't have to say it.
I know I'm wonderful.
It seems you do have a moral compass after all, Mr.
Stiles.
You may not always follow it, but it's there.
Well, let's just let that be our little secret, eh? Incidentally, 10% of the gold should be more than enough to free Annie's parents from jail.
If you're suggesting what I think you're suggesting, let me tell you just how wrong you are over dinner, and I'm buying.
Moi.
Now that's what I call a French toast.
Would the Emperor not be outraged if he knew his own brother was honoring him with an American wine? Yeah, I thought Napoleon's trade embargo put the kibosh on imported hooch.
Oh, it was your men that raided that supply ship last week, eh, Croquester? Emilia, your new attaché is indeed quite astute.
I'll have to take your word on that, Governor.
I hope you were not too upset that your little, fledgling democracy was emasculated on the open sea, Jacques.
Not if it means free booze.
I'll club him with that day-old baguette, you find the loot.
Do try to live up to your name, Mr.
Stiles.
Governor, I humbly offer the use of my exporting vessels to ship your bounty back to France.
The Governor has no intention of parting with his prize, madame.
CROQUE: As you Americans say, "Finders, keepers.
" Oh, I dropped my napkin.
Chivalry's dead.
Get it yourself.
If Monsieur Stiles were my attaché, I would string him up by his ooh-la-las as a warning to all insolents wherever they may hide.
Take your head out and stay a while, Le Pew.
It looks like you could use the air.
We, British have a saying, Captain, "There's more than one way to crack a nut.
" (SPOON CLANGING) Let me help you with your napkin.
Oh, thank you.
(WHISPERING) Leggo my Eggos.
The Governor's life is in danger.
You're telling me.
If he insults the stars and stripes one more time Listen, Jack, that little girl has been assembling a gun.
You're imagining things.
And I would know.
I took a bullet for Washington when he was crossing the Delaware.
I cut the string on Franklin's kite to keep him from frying his fat ass.
And you wanna know why? 'Cause I smell danger wherever it wafts.
Oh.
Okay, it's wafting.
But you still haven't told me why I should care.
I thought our mission here was to keep Napoleon from expanding his influence into the East Indies.
Croque may be a swine, Jack, but he is a tolerable swine.
If he were to die, Napoleon would unleash so great a fury on Palau-Palau that our mission would be rendered impossible.
Not to mention that little girl would be executed.
Oh, my sense of duty gives me such a headache.
Annie, more aspic for my poulet rôti.
MAN: Pass the chicken.
Jack! MAN: Let's pick up the girl.
Jack.
Go.
Go.
Jack? Splendid party, Governor.
(SINGING) In 1801, the Revolution had been won And Uncle Sam's favorite son Had a job he needed done Which brought Jack to a lady Both beautiful and smart Who found his mix intriguing A scoundrel with a heart! From the Halls of Montezuma To the shores of Tripoli There was never a leatherneck braver A daring dragoon is he! He'll halt the bold advance Of Napoleon's attack There ain't a French or pirate rogue Who don't know Jack! From the Halls of Montezuma To the shores of Tripoli Sailin' 'round the bloody world To defend democracy And when ya need a fightin' man To trust or watch your back Just ask the bloke right next to ya Damn right! It's Jack! Execute her at once.
JACK: No, wait.
(COUGHING) It's all right.
No harm done.
What is the meaning of this? A test.
A test? A test of your security system.
Right, Jack? That's right.
We were just trying to expose your soft spots.
And I think we've found the weak link.
I detect an insulting implication in your statement, monsieur.
I'm sorry.
What I meant was, you're a moron.
And the girl? A paid accomplice.
For the purpose of our little demonstration.
(CHUCKLING) There you go, dear.
Now, run along.
Captain, I think you could take a hint from our American friend, no? (GROWLING) (GRUNTING ANGRILY) Let us have dessert.
After you.
I got to hand it to you, Em.
You were pretty quick on your feet.
Jack, how precisely did you end up with a tray stuffed down your shirt? You know the great thing about being an American? You can plead the Fifth.
You were stealing Croque's silverware? Would you rather I ask for a raise? Oh.
JEAN-CLAUDE: Jack, have you forgotten why you were sent here? Who wants to know? Well, who do you think? I bear an urgent communiqué from President Jefferson.
You must find the stolen gold shipment and send it back to America.
What does he think I'm doing here? Oh, I cannot say it in front of the lady.
You must think we're the suckers of the spy world, pal.
Why would we take phony orders from a French carrier parrot? (SQUAWKS) Because you're not the only ones undercover, monsieur.
Vive la résistance! That is the most loquacious fowl I've ever encountered.
Hey, look, there's our little assassin.
No need to thank us, dear.
Give me that.
What is it with you? You ruined my only chance to get vengeance on that monster.
Well, what has the Governor done to you? My parents have always paid their taxes.
But this year my father took ill.
And when they couldn't pay, they were thrown in prison.
Ah, what's the worst they could get? A year or two? Deftly handled, Jack.
Hey, listen.
Don't cry, we'll figure something out.
Besides, your parents wouldn't want you putting yourself in harm's way on their account.
Now promise me that you're gonna stop these shenanigans until we figure out what to do, okay, swinkle? Okay.
Give me that.
Jack, the way you handled that little girl was, well, very touching.
It seems that just when I have you figured out, you surprise me.
(CHUCKLING) Are you kidding? A man will say anything to keep a woman from crying.
It's like nails on a chalkboard.
Hey, you don't like the answer, don't ask the question.
You told that little girl we'd think of something, and we just did.
We're stealing the gold back from Croque, all right, but we're going to use it to pay off the people's taxes.
(CLEARING THROAT) Now, I know you think I'm a louse, but I would never disobey a direct order.
And I would never sell out my own country, not even for Little Orphan Annie.
Turn off the faucet, sister.
I wasn't born yesterday.
Well, it was worth a try.
But I won't give up on this one, Jack.
Wait a minute.
You're a wealthy exporter.
Why don't you just pony up the cash, moneybags? I export local arts and crafts, but I only keep enough to maintain my cover.
The real profits go back to the people.
Well, then, we'll just have to agree to disagree.
But agree that stealing the gold is still an agreeable plan, agreed? Don't make me use my stuff on you, baby.
I'm showing you how we're going to steal the money.
My latest invention made from the sap of a rubber tree.
It's rope with elastic property.
Oh, yeah, what did you have in mind? Will you stop that? Now, pay attention.
The gold is still at the port.
I will arrange to accompany the Governor when he escorts it back to his mansion.
EMILIA: (VOICEOVER) Then I'll make a suggestion.
(EMILIA LAUGHING) It's such a lovely day, Governor, why not take the scenic route? A splendid idea, Emilia.
Pierre, the scenic route.
EMILIA: (VOICEOVER) That's where you come in.
You'll position yourself at our predetermined ambush point.
Where just as we pass under the bridge, you'll swoop down, steal the gold and spring back up to safety.
Well, they say rubber's You there, halt! Prepare to die, Dragoon.
How'd you know I'd be here? My security techniques have recently been called into question.
I've since learned to expect the unexpected.
Me and my big mouth.
Arrete! What have we here? I've captured the Dragoon, Governor! I owe you an apology, Captain.
It seems your security measures are second to none.
And now we will find out the true identity of this caped annoyance.
I am quite giddy, madame.
How about you? The suspense alone could kill me.
You were right, Captain.
Always expect the unexpected.
(LAUGHING) BROGARD: Get him! Kill him! Shoot him! (WHINNYING) Oops.
Mon Dieu! En garde! (SOLDIER YELLING) BROGARD: Idiot! In chess, this is what we call a stalemate.
Yeah? And in Parcheesi, this is what we call a Come to think of it, there's no such thing as a tie in Parcheesi.
And what does that have to do with anything? Well, you brought up the games.
I'm just making conversation.
Then I have a proposition for you.
Oh? Let us agree to live one more day.
Fine by me.
Oh, Captain, don't look now, but your barn door's open and your cows are getting out.
(LAUGHING) Zut alors! When I agreed to let you train with my men, Captain, I expected them back.
Forgive me, Governor, but this Dragoon made a fool out of me today.
If word spreads of his existence, it could galvanize the people.
Not for long.
And not even the Dragoon will be able to resuscitate the peoples' spirits.
Well, that was a swell plan, brainiac.
Next time, maybe we ought to just throw a bunch of sharp objects up in the air and hope for the best.
If it weren't for my elastic rope, the taxidermist would be stuffing your thick skull right now to replace the moose above the Governor's fireplace.
Next time, we do things my way.
Capisce? Oh, and which way is that? Rattle the cage and beg for a banana? Close.
We break into Croque's vault.
Brilliant.
As if we had any other choice.
I'll need to concoct something to get us past the lock.
(BELL RINGING) Oh, yeah, I need another one of your gizmos like I need a hole in the head, sister.
Hi.
Come on in.
(EMILIA EXCLAIMS) Give me that.
Are you out of your mind? You said you'd think of something to get my parents out of jail.
You gotta learn to manage your disappointment a little better, kid.
I miss them so much.
Your turn.
There, there, my dear.
Unfortunately, there are selfish people in the world who justify their crimes against humanity by saying they were just following orders.
Yes, and there are other people whose bleeding hearts make them forget that certain things aren't theirs to give away.
Let's not forget those who look normal on the outside, but are, in fact, Lucifer's minions sent from the bowels of Hell to torture us.
Then there's the women who love them.
(SCOFFING) All we can do is hope for the best, my dear.
You never know when you'll be surprised by the kindness of strangers.
Well, this vault should keep the Dragoon at bay, Captain, or should I call him the Flying Dragoon? Our peasants and their rumors.
I assure you, we will dispel these myths when we hang the Dragoon's dead body next to the Emperor's flag.
Hmm.
(LAUGHING) You hear that? You're talking to the Flying Dragoon.
I'm a legend, baby.
I wonder how that rumor began.
All right, I'm sorry I made fun of your inventions.
I'm glad you feel that way because here's another.
Ah, I was wondering when we were going to play doctor.
By the way, nice outfit.
Who painted it on you? Can I ask you a question, Jack? Sure.
You were sent here to protect American interests, correct? Yeah.
And would you qualify freedom as an American interest? Yeah.
So by your own definition, using American gold to set Annie's parents free would be tantamount to preserving democracy overseas, correct? Oh, of course.
Wait a minute.
Nice try.
That is the strangest clock I've ever seen.
No, it's the alarm.
Well, we'll just turn it off.
No! Oh.
Double time it, sister.
We've been made.
(CHUCKLING) Come on, down the hatch.
My gold! To the stairs.
Get off.
Just what I want to see.
It's Croque's dirty laundry.
Hey, you still got that springy thingy? Oh, you mean the one that saved your life? Yeah, yeah.
Look, here's the plan.
We're gonna do a reverse Santie Claus, see? We're gonna shimmy up that chimney to the roof, then swing to freedom on your rubber hose.
What an appropriate place to find you, monsieur.
This time your goose is cooked.
Oh, yeah? Over my dead salami.
Well, I guess it's cold cuts for everyone.
Kill him.
No! He's mine.
(JACK LAUGHING) Brogard, I think you have done quite enough.
Kill the Dragoon! (JACK LAUGHING) Well, it seems the Dragoon has breaded us, Captain.
Perhaps you should take this opportunity to rethink your strategy.
Here you go, pal.
It's all yours.
And tell the President I'm not a lost and found, will you? Em, you're a good sport for letting me use one of your ships to return the gold.
Yes, your country will be very proud indeed.
They couldn't possibly have survived without those two bags of gold.
I'll tell Annie the good news.
Oh.
I picked them myself.
I'm sorry, but I couldn't afford a gift.
These are my parents.
Well, I don't understand.
You were right about the kindness of strangers.
The Dragoon paid our taxes, and now my parents are free.
What a guy.
Just do me a favor.
Next time you want to shoot something, come on by and we'll shoot the breeze.
Well, you know how the shipping business is.
You always lose You can't keep track of every little dollar.
You don't have to say it.
I know I'm wonderful.
It seems you do have a moral compass after all, Mr.
Stiles.
You may not always follow it, but it's there.
Well, let's just let that be our little secret, eh? Incidentally, 10% of the gold should be more than enough to free Annie's parents from jail.
If you're suggesting what I think you're suggesting, let me tell you just how wrong you are over dinner, and I'm buying.