Jack of All Trades (2000) s01e08 Episode Script
One Wedding and an Execution
(EXCLAIMING) Emperor Napoleon! What a pleasant surprise.
Of course.
A master tactician never heralds his arrival.
So as to keep the less astute off guard.
Again, I am humbled before you, brother.
If I had known you were coming, I would have Blabbed the secret to half the people between here and Paris? That nag Josephine mustn't know I'm here.
(SNARLING) How is the lovely Empress? Soon to be former Empress.
Try as I have to harvest her loins, she has still yet to bear me an heir.
But my dear brother, if, God forbid, something should happen to you, like an elephant mistaking you for a peanut, I would be happy to assume the duties of Emperor.
You? There, there, little brother.
Noogie? Enough! The time has come to find me a fertile young bride.
Assemble all the reow-reows on the island.
At once! Legs! Too hard.
Too soft.
(MOANING APPRECIATIVELY) Just right.
Up! Open.
No, no, no! They're all wrong.
Governor Croque, there seems to be some mix-up with my exporting license.
With all due respect, whatever's going on here, I don't approve.
Unless I was invited.
(NAPOLEON CLEARS THROAT) (GASPS) Emperor, do you remember Madame Emilia Rothschild and her attaché, Monsieur Jack Stiles? (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Oh! Congratulations, Emilia.
You have won the honor of becoming my new bride.
(GASPING) (SINGING) In 1801, the Revolution had been won And Uncle Sam's favorite son Had a job he needed done Which brought Jack to a lady Both beautiful and smart Who found his mix intriguing A scoundrel with a heart! From the Halls of Montezuma To the shores of Tripoli There was never a leatherneck braver A daring dragoon is he! He'll halt the bold advance Of Napoleon's attack There ain't a French or pirate rogue Who don't know Jack! From the Halls of Montezuma To the shores of Tripoli Sailin' 'round the bloody world To defend democracy And when ya need a fightin' man To trust or watch your back Just ask the bloke right next to ya Damn right! It's Jack! Brother, say hello to your new sister-in-law.
Hello.
On second thought, let me say hello first.
Oh la la! I will have fun taming you like the sexy, savage beast that you are.
Will you, now? And if I refuse? You are English, madame, are you not? And proud of it, Your Highness.
When I return to France, I will soil the peace treaty between our two countries like a poopy diaper.
My armies will cross the English Channel and leave nothing in England but Stonehenge.
Or you could love me.
How can I say yes without the benefit of a first date? Very well.
Dinner tonight.
And for dessert, I shall have you.
Now, don't give me any beak about this, Jean-Claude.
You're going to get her.
Besides, you should be thanking me.
Paris is known for its hot chicks.
Well, barnyard birds are not my type, Jacques.
But I will nonetheless carry out the mission.
Vive la résistance! What is your business, Jack? Croque, my boy, I want to gab with you about something that's kind of important.
What is it you are proposing? Marriage.
Monsieur Stiles, I hardly Stopping a marriage.
Between Napoleon and Emilia.
(SHUSHING) For such talk I could have you executed at once! Well, you could, sure.
But, then again, you'd never become emperor.
It is true, I want to be emperor.
Is that so terrible? I want a queen and a crown and a castle.
Is that so terrible? All right, don't get your girdle in a twist, Guvvy.
I think I've found a way to stop this unholy matrimony before it's too late.
But how? I granted Napoleon his divorce from Josephine this morning.
Of course, it is only legal in Palau-Palau.
All we have to do is delay this marriage a little bit, and I'll handle the rest.
Deal? All right, my little American monkey, we have a deal.
But tell me, how are we going to stall Napoleon? No man has ever managed to dissuade my brother from his course.
No man, eh? (CHUCKLING) (FARTING) (FARTING) Charming, Your Flatulence.
Now, time for dessert.
(GASPING) Before we go any further, promise to behave.
I promise.
And now, to the point.
You will marry me.
Perhaps a more romantic proposition.
You want romance? This is England.
Die, England, die, England! Die, die, die! Brilliant plan, huh, my sweet? Now, what is your choice? Your hand or your country? (SIGHING) My hand.
I accept.
JACK: Emilia! Oh! I am so pleased! (JACK CHUCKLING) Oh, my God! Who is this? I'm your new mother-in-law.
So nice to have you in the family, son.
(LAUGHING) Are you clinically insane? (CLUCKING) Wouldn't want to share our family secrets with everyone, now, would we? Em, aren't you going to introduce us? Napoleon Bonaparte, meet my mother.
Sacrebleu.
Impossible! Oh, you are such a charming little fellow.
I could just put you on a stick and eat you! Oh, Mummy, thank you so much for the visit.
Don't forget to take your medication.
Leave now? Oh, you must be joking.
What kind of mother would I be if I were to miss this blessed event? Besides, I haven't spent enough time with this charming little man.
Now then, tell me, do you have a good job? I'm the Emperor of France.
Oh? Does that pay well? I have priceless treasures, palaces.
Oh, goody! Then there's plenty of room for me.
Quoi? Well, you know the old saying, don't you? You don't just marry a woman, you marry her family, too.
Actually, it's one palace.
Very, very small.
Oh, coziness! Then I shall sleep between my beautiful daughter and my beautiful new son.
No peeking while I'm sleeping.
I would rather peek into Satan's toilet, madame.
(CHUCKLING) Oh, please, call me Jack queline.
Emilia, I've been worried sick.
It's way past your curfew.
Oh, ha-ha.
Thank you for the amusing charade, Jack.
But if you wanted to wear my clothes, all you had to do was ask.
You know, in case you haven't noticed, I'm trying to help.
Oh, I'm sorry.
You call this helping, do you? Yeah.
Nothing scares a man away like the sight of his new mother-in-law.
How foolish of me to count on you to respect my decision.
Well, you're actually thinking of going through with this, aren't you? What better way to change the world than to partner with the most powerful man living in it? See, you're assuming you can change him, which is the second most popular myth afflicting your particular gender.
Oh.
And dare I ask what the first is? Oh, I'll give you the long and short of it one day, sister.
But for right now, I can't let you marry that little pipsqueak.
That costume really has gone to your head, Jack.
I'll marry whomever I want, with or without your permission.
Oh, but Emilia, for the love of God, think of your wedding night.
Napoleon will be like a gopher at a golf course, in and out of every hole.
That's it.
Don't bother attending the wedding, Jack, because you're not invited.
Fine.
Fine! Yeah, have fun on your honeymoon playing "Hide the Emperor.
" (EXCLAIMS IN ANGER) Brilliant plan, Jack.
You look exquisite.
And Napoleon cannot stand you.
Good.
So, he's gonna call off the wedding? No.
As soon as he says "I do," he intends locking you in the bastille.
Not to worry, though.
I will visit you from time to time.
Yeah, so much for plan A.
Who is responsible for this outrage? Oh, I picked out everything, Your Royalness.
Oh, don't you look handsome? Huh? It's up for a hug.
Here we go.
(GRUNTING) (SNEEZING) Oh, Nappy, what is it? The flowers.
Roses! Yes, my favorite.
Have a sniff.
(COUGHING) I'm allergic to roses.
Perhaps the music will take your mind off it.
(ACCORDION PLAYING HAVA NAGILA) (NAPOLEON GROANING) You simply must try the cakes.
They're so light and fluffy.
Eat, eat.
(CHOKING) Oh, you're skin and bones.
Enough! This is terrible! I could not agree more, brother.
It is a scandal.
Postpone the wedding.
All this must be redone at once.
No! I can't wait.
There must be some place on this godforsaken island where I can get married.
I know a nice little chapel, Emperor.
Fine.
Off with his hands! Valiant effort, Jack.
But I will visit you from time to time.
Don't you give up just yet, Croque.
You're forgetting a pre-ball-and-chain time-honored tradition known as the bachelor party.
(PEOPLE SHOUTING) Nap! Nap! Nap! Nap! Nap! Nap! Nap! Nap! Nap! Nap! Nap! Nap! (PEOPLE CHEERING AND WHISTLING) This is all well and good, Jacques, but how is it going to stall the wedding? Don't you worry about a thing, Croquemeister.
I got a little surprise for Napoleon that's gonna keep him busy for weeks.
Profiterole? No.
All right, all right.
And now, direct from the Kitty Kat Saloon, I give you Candy and Bubbles! (MEN CHEERING) (ALL WHOOPING) (WHISTLES) Enjoy it while you can, Leon.
Let's just say Emilia's idea of a good time in bed is a pajama party and a pillow fight.
Knock yourself out.
All right.
(WHOOPING) Vive la France! Ooh! (BURPING) How're you guys? (ROOSTER CROWING) (GRUNTING) Oh, my head.
Gee, Nappy, when it comes to other men, you really are a bone apart.
Yeah.
What do you say? Want to storm the bastille walls one more time? (COOING) Ladies, please! I'm late for my wedding! (GRUNTS) (GROANING) (PEOPLE MURMURING) (PEOPLE EXCLAIMING) The man has the constitution of a horse.
We are finished! You just get back up to that altar and keep stalling.
(PLAYING BRIDAL MARCH) (PEOPLE GASPING) (RETCHING) To some, marriage is like a morning sunrise which reflects the dawning of a brand-new day.
To others, it is like a red-hot poker shoved, without remorse, up the wazoo.
Oh, I can't stand it any longer! It's all too beautiful! Oh, do carry on.
I just need some air.
Where was I? (PRIEST CLEARING THROAT) What have you to confess, my son? You wanna start in alphabetical order, or would you prefer to go by year? CROQUE: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join this man and this woman in holy matrimony.
Mon Dieu, I must settle my stomach.
Oh, cut me a little slack, Padre.
I had soap in my eyes.
I can't be blamed for stumbling into the women's locker room.
Well, I suppose if you didn't actually see anything.
No harm done, eh? Not a thing.
I felt my way out of there like a blind Sherpa in the Himalayas.
If we could, my son, let us return to the issue of your chronic tennis elbow.
Yeah, it's weird, huh? I don't even play.
If there is any person here present, who has just cause why this man and this woman should not be joined together, speak now, or forever hold your peace! That's my cue, Padre.
Thanks for the holy chit-chat.
I'm a new man.
Napoleon, do you take this I do! Emilia, (COUGHING) Do you take this man to be your lawful wedded conqueror? In pillage and in plunder? To burn and destroy with? Till death do you part? I I I'll answer that.
Hell, no, daddy-o.
The Daring Dragoon.
We meet again.
Sorry I'm late, I couldn't find a place to park.
Valet's out front.
Well, what can I say? I'm a little short.
You soon will be.
Outside.
(EXCLAIMING) My turn.
You want an heir so bad, why not try adoption? I did, but they turned down my application.
Really? The Emperor of France? Yeah.
They said I was unbalanced, so I had them executed.
Yeah, I can see how that might put them off.
JACK: Where are you? (EXCLAIMS) (CLEARS THROAT) (PEOPLE EXCLAIMING) Why you! See how you like it.
(COUGHING) All right, say uncle! Aunt.
Uncle! Uncle! Uncle! Uncle! Napoleon! Josephine! If you have any mercy at all, monsieur, please strike me down.
Sorry, Leon.
You made your own bed, now you gotta lie in it.
I'll never forget this.
You'll pay someday.
(LAUGHING) Not as much as you will.
What are you doing here? You have chores back at the palace.
Who is going to cut the bunions from my feet or wax my back? (PEOPLE EXCLAIMING) And you promised me a new country for my birthday! The Dragoon! The Dragoon! Emilia, my dear.
I want to be alone.
(BOTH CHUCKLING) I'm sorry I crashed your wedding, Em.
You did what you thought you had to do, and so did I.
I would have gone through with it, you know.
Yeah, I know.
You are one committed freedom fighter.
Which is why you're lucky to have me, so I can save you from yourself.
Oh, perhaps just this once.
It's difficult to know where duty to country ends and duty to self begins.
Yeah? How about right now? (GASPS) Oh! There's enough champagne left over to last a month.
(WHOOPS) A shame to let it go to waste.
Indeed.
To a lovely bride.
And her best man.
Well, a pretty good one.
Pretty good, huh? (BURPS)
Of course.
A master tactician never heralds his arrival.
So as to keep the less astute off guard.
Again, I am humbled before you, brother.
If I had known you were coming, I would have Blabbed the secret to half the people between here and Paris? That nag Josephine mustn't know I'm here.
(SNARLING) How is the lovely Empress? Soon to be former Empress.
Try as I have to harvest her loins, she has still yet to bear me an heir.
But my dear brother, if, God forbid, something should happen to you, like an elephant mistaking you for a peanut, I would be happy to assume the duties of Emperor.
You? There, there, little brother.
Noogie? Enough! The time has come to find me a fertile young bride.
Assemble all the reow-reows on the island.
At once! Legs! Too hard.
Too soft.
(MOANING APPRECIATIVELY) Just right.
Up! Open.
No, no, no! They're all wrong.
Governor Croque, there seems to be some mix-up with my exporting license.
With all due respect, whatever's going on here, I don't approve.
Unless I was invited.
(NAPOLEON CLEARS THROAT) (GASPS) Emperor, do you remember Madame Emilia Rothschild and her attaché, Monsieur Jack Stiles? (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Oh! Congratulations, Emilia.
You have won the honor of becoming my new bride.
(GASPING) (SINGING) In 1801, the Revolution had been won And Uncle Sam's favorite son Had a job he needed done Which brought Jack to a lady Both beautiful and smart Who found his mix intriguing A scoundrel with a heart! From the Halls of Montezuma To the shores of Tripoli There was never a leatherneck braver A daring dragoon is he! He'll halt the bold advance Of Napoleon's attack There ain't a French or pirate rogue Who don't know Jack! From the Halls of Montezuma To the shores of Tripoli Sailin' 'round the bloody world To defend democracy And when ya need a fightin' man To trust or watch your back Just ask the bloke right next to ya Damn right! It's Jack! Brother, say hello to your new sister-in-law.
Hello.
On second thought, let me say hello first.
Oh la la! I will have fun taming you like the sexy, savage beast that you are.
Will you, now? And if I refuse? You are English, madame, are you not? And proud of it, Your Highness.
When I return to France, I will soil the peace treaty between our two countries like a poopy diaper.
My armies will cross the English Channel and leave nothing in England but Stonehenge.
Or you could love me.
How can I say yes without the benefit of a first date? Very well.
Dinner tonight.
And for dessert, I shall have you.
Now, don't give me any beak about this, Jean-Claude.
You're going to get her.
Besides, you should be thanking me.
Paris is known for its hot chicks.
Well, barnyard birds are not my type, Jacques.
But I will nonetheless carry out the mission.
Vive la résistance! What is your business, Jack? Croque, my boy, I want to gab with you about something that's kind of important.
What is it you are proposing? Marriage.
Monsieur Stiles, I hardly Stopping a marriage.
Between Napoleon and Emilia.
(SHUSHING) For such talk I could have you executed at once! Well, you could, sure.
But, then again, you'd never become emperor.
It is true, I want to be emperor.
Is that so terrible? I want a queen and a crown and a castle.
Is that so terrible? All right, don't get your girdle in a twist, Guvvy.
I think I've found a way to stop this unholy matrimony before it's too late.
But how? I granted Napoleon his divorce from Josephine this morning.
Of course, it is only legal in Palau-Palau.
All we have to do is delay this marriage a little bit, and I'll handle the rest.
Deal? All right, my little American monkey, we have a deal.
But tell me, how are we going to stall Napoleon? No man has ever managed to dissuade my brother from his course.
No man, eh? (CHUCKLING) (FARTING) (FARTING) Charming, Your Flatulence.
Now, time for dessert.
(GASPING) Before we go any further, promise to behave.
I promise.
And now, to the point.
You will marry me.
Perhaps a more romantic proposition.
You want romance? This is England.
Die, England, die, England! Die, die, die! Brilliant plan, huh, my sweet? Now, what is your choice? Your hand or your country? (SIGHING) My hand.
I accept.
JACK: Emilia! Oh! I am so pleased! (JACK CHUCKLING) Oh, my God! Who is this? I'm your new mother-in-law.
So nice to have you in the family, son.
(LAUGHING) Are you clinically insane? (CLUCKING) Wouldn't want to share our family secrets with everyone, now, would we? Em, aren't you going to introduce us? Napoleon Bonaparte, meet my mother.
Sacrebleu.
Impossible! Oh, you are such a charming little fellow.
I could just put you on a stick and eat you! Oh, Mummy, thank you so much for the visit.
Don't forget to take your medication.
Leave now? Oh, you must be joking.
What kind of mother would I be if I were to miss this blessed event? Besides, I haven't spent enough time with this charming little man.
Now then, tell me, do you have a good job? I'm the Emperor of France.
Oh? Does that pay well? I have priceless treasures, palaces.
Oh, goody! Then there's plenty of room for me.
Quoi? Well, you know the old saying, don't you? You don't just marry a woman, you marry her family, too.
Actually, it's one palace.
Very, very small.
Oh, coziness! Then I shall sleep between my beautiful daughter and my beautiful new son.
No peeking while I'm sleeping.
I would rather peek into Satan's toilet, madame.
(CHUCKLING) Oh, please, call me Jack queline.
Emilia, I've been worried sick.
It's way past your curfew.
Oh, ha-ha.
Thank you for the amusing charade, Jack.
But if you wanted to wear my clothes, all you had to do was ask.
You know, in case you haven't noticed, I'm trying to help.
Oh, I'm sorry.
You call this helping, do you? Yeah.
Nothing scares a man away like the sight of his new mother-in-law.
How foolish of me to count on you to respect my decision.
Well, you're actually thinking of going through with this, aren't you? What better way to change the world than to partner with the most powerful man living in it? See, you're assuming you can change him, which is the second most popular myth afflicting your particular gender.
Oh.
And dare I ask what the first is? Oh, I'll give you the long and short of it one day, sister.
But for right now, I can't let you marry that little pipsqueak.
That costume really has gone to your head, Jack.
I'll marry whomever I want, with or without your permission.
Oh, but Emilia, for the love of God, think of your wedding night.
Napoleon will be like a gopher at a golf course, in and out of every hole.
That's it.
Don't bother attending the wedding, Jack, because you're not invited.
Fine.
Fine! Yeah, have fun on your honeymoon playing "Hide the Emperor.
" (EXCLAIMS IN ANGER) Brilliant plan, Jack.
You look exquisite.
And Napoleon cannot stand you.
Good.
So, he's gonna call off the wedding? No.
As soon as he says "I do," he intends locking you in the bastille.
Not to worry, though.
I will visit you from time to time.
Yeah, so much for plan A.
Who is responsible for this outrage? Oh, I picked out everything, Your Royalness.
Oh, don't you look handsome? Huh? It's up for a hug.
Here we go.
(GRUNTING) (SNEEZING) Oh, Nappy, what is it? The flowers.
Roses! Yes, my favorite.
Have a sniff.
(COUGHING) I'm allergic to roses.
Perhaps the music will take your mind off it.
(ACCORDION PLAYING HAVA NAGILA) (NAPOLEON GROANING) You simply must try the cakes.
They're so light and fluffy.
Eat, eat.
(CHOKING) Oh, you're skin and bones.
Enough! This is terrible! I could not agree more, brother.
It is a scandal.
Postpone the wedding.
All this must be redone at once.
No! I can't wait.
There must be some place on this godforsaken island where I can get married.
I know a nice little chapel, Emperor.
Fine.
Off with his hands! Valiant effort, Jack.
But I will visit you from time to time.
Don't you give up just yet, Croque.
You're forgetting a pre-ball-and-chain time-honored tradition known as the bachelor party.
(PEOPLE SHOUTING) Nap! Nap! Nap! Nap! Nap! Nap! Nap! Nap! Nap! Nap! Nap! Nap! (PEOPLE CHEERING AND WHISTLING) This is all well and good, Jacques, but how is it going to stall the wedding? Don't you worry about a thing, Croquemeister.
I got a little surprise for Napoleon that's gonna keep him busy for weeks.
Profiterole? No.
All right, all right.
And now, direct from the Kitty Kat Saloon, I give you Candy and Bubbles! (MEN CHEERING) (ALL WHOOPING) (WHISTLES) Enjoy it while you can, Leon.
Let's just say Emilia's idea of a good time in bed is a pajama party and a pillow fight.
Knock yourself out.
All right.
(WHOOPING) Vive la France! Ooh! (BURPING) How're you guys? (ROOSTER CROWING) (GRUNTING) Oh, my head.
Gee, Nappy, when it comes to other men, you really are a bone apart.
Yeah.
What do you say? Want to storm the bastille walls one more time? (COOING) Ladies, please! I'm late for my wedding! (GRUNTS) (GROANING) (PEOPLE MURMURING) (PEOPLE EXCLAIMING) The man has the constitution of a horse.
We are finished! You just get back up to that altar and keep stalling.
(PLAYING BRIDAL MARCH) (PEOPLE GASPING) (RETCHING) To some, marriage is like a morning sunrise which reflects the dawning of a brand-new day.
To others, it is like a red-hot poker shoved, without remorse, up the wazoo.
Oh, I can't stand it any longer! It's all too beautiful! Oh, do carry on.
I just need some air.
Where was I? (PRIEST CLEARING THROAT) What have you to confess, my son? You wanna start in alphabetical order, or would you prefer to go by year? CROQUE: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join this man and this woman in holy matrimony.
Mon Dieu, I must settle my stomach.
Oh, cut me a little slack, Padre.
I had soap in my eyes.
I can't be blamed for stumbling into the women's locker room.
Well, I suppose if you didn't actually see anything.
No harm done, eh? Not a thing.
I felt my way out of there like a blind Sherpa in the Himalayas.
If we could, my son, let us return to the issue of your chronic tennis elbow.
Yeah, it's weird, huh? I don't even play.
If there is any person here present, who has just cause why this man and this woman should not be joined together, speak now, or forever hold your peace! That's my cue, Padre.
Thanks for the holy chit-chat.
I'm a new man.
Napoleon, do you take this I do! Emilia, (COUGHING) Do you take this man to be your lawful wedded conqueror? In pillage and in plunder? To burn and destroy with? Till death do you part? I I I'll answer that.
Hell, no, daddy-o.
The Daring Dragoon.
We meet again.
Sorry I'm late, I couldn't find a place to park.
Valet's out front.
Well, what can I say? I'm a little short.
You soon will be.
Outside.
(EXCLAIMING) My turn.
You want an heir so bad, why not try adoption? I did, but they turned down my application.
Really? The Emperor of France? Yeah.
They said I was unbalanced, so I had them executed.
Yeah, I can see how that might put them off.
JACK: Where are you? (EXCLAIMS) (CLEARS THROAT) (PEOPLE EXCLAIMING) Why you! See how you like it.
(COUGHING) All right, say uncle! Aunt.
Uncle! Uncle! Uncle! Uncle! Napoleon! Josephine! If you have any mercy at all, monsieur, please strike me down.
Sorry, Leon.
You made your own bed, now you gotta lie in it.
I'll never forget this.
You'll pay someday.
(LAUGHING) Not as much as you will.
What are you doing here? You have chores back at the palace.
Who is going to cut the bunions from my feet or wax my back? (PEOPLE EXCLAIMING) And you promised me a new country for my birthday! The Dragoon! The Dragoon! Emilia, my dear.
I want to be alone.
(BOTH CHUCKLING) I'm sorry I crashed your wedding, Em.
You did what you thought you had to do, and so did I.
I would have gone through with it, you know.
Yeah, I know.
You are one committed freedom fighter.
Which is why you're lucky to have me, so I can save you from yourself.
Oh, perhaps just this once.
It's difficult to know where duty to country ends and duty to self begins.
Yeah? How about right now? (GASPS) Oh! There's enough champagne left over to last a month.
(WHOOPS) A shame to let it go to waste.
Indeed.
To a lovely bride.
And her best man.
Well, a pretty good one.
Pretty good, huh? (BURPS)