Jack of All Trades (2000) s01e10 Episode Script
Dead Woman Walking
Hello! Hold still, Jack.
Let the seamstress take your measurements.
Well, I would, but she's gonna need a longer tape measure.
Sleepwalking again, are we? Hey, what the hell do we need new clothes for, anyway? You got enough fabric in that boudoir of yours to carpet Manhattan.
While your undergarments have likely petrified like a Neolithic fossil from overuse.
Hey, stay out of my drawers, sister.
And I mean that both ways.
Excuse me, miss.
Hmm? While you're down there, do a fellow a big favor, will you? You behave yourself.
Polish my buttons.
Hey, what's the plan today, anyway? Well, today's Saturday.
I thought we might go to the market and purchase accessories for our new wardrobes.
Oh, that could be fun, yeah.
Or you could stick ice picks in my toenails.
Oh, well, it's your choice.
I'm game for either.
Ancestors preserve us! (CROWD MURMURING IN SHOCK) What's the holdup here? This isn't the only funeral I've got today, you know.
Ancestors preserve us, indeed.
How could someone steal from the dead? A note! EMILIA: I'm certainly glad you agreed to go shopping with me, Jack.
I do hope you're enjoying yourself.
Are you kidding? This is hell on earth.
How long do you have to stand there staring at something before you decide to buy it, for Pete's sake? Haven't you ever heard of the expression, "It's not where you go, it's how you get there?" Only once, on prom night.
Keep the change.
Thank you.
Oh, see? You tip every garden-variety shopkeeper, but when old Jack needs a little advance on his paycheck, no, your purse clamps up like a nun at a sausage factory.
Oh, it pains me to see you so wanting.
I can see you're all broken up.
You know, you should haggle with these people.
Every time you pay more than you should, you raise the prices for the rest of us.
I know how to haggle.
I'm a good haggler.
Says you.
Says my bottom line.
Hey, no need to talk dirty, sister.
(PEOPLE SHOUTING) MAN: They've stolen from the dead! Hey, hey, whoa, whoa! Slow down there, partner.
What's all the commotion? The mausoleum.
A thief has desecrated the graves.
The ancestors.
It's horrible.
Who would stoop to robbing the grave? That's the worst of it.
He left a note.
It was the Daring Dragoon.
(SINGING) In 1801, the Revolution had been won And Uncle Sam's favorite son Had a job he needed done Which brought Jack to a lady Both beautiful and smart Who found his mix intriguing A scoundrel with a heart! From the Halls of Montezuma To the shores of Tripoli There was never a leatherneck braver A daring dragoon is he! He'll halt the bold advance Of Napoleon's attack There ain't a French or pirate rogue Who don't know Jack! From the Halls of Montezuma To the shores of Tripoli Sailin' 'round the bloody world To defend democracy And when ya need a fightin' man To trust or watch your back Just ask the bloke right next to ya Damn right! It's Jack! Me? Stealing rings off a bunch of bony stiffs? No, obviously, the culprit is unaware of your respect for the dead.
Don't start.
My good reputation is being dragged through the mud.
It is amazing how low people will go for a little spending cash.
Yeah, six feet under in this case.
If we're to clear your alter ego, we must catch the culprit in the act.
You mean, we Yes, Jack.
We'll need to spend the night in the cemetery.
Okay.
Oh, good.
Now all we have to do is wait to see who shows up.
Say, do we both have to be here? You want me to sit here alone so I can clear your name? Would you? Don't tell me you're frightened of graveyards, Jack.
No, not at all.
Just the werewolves and vampires that feed here.
(LAUGHING) It's no different than any other stakeout.
Well, I hate stakeouts.
We're in a cemetery, not a prison.
Right.
Sorry.
Do you want to scare away the grave robber before we catch him? (LAUGHING) What are you doing? Eating a sandwich.
Bite? Have you no respect for the dead? I didn't think they were hungry.
See, that's what I thought.
So tell me, Jack, what do you think happens to you after you've passed on? Well, your loved ones dress you in a monkey suit, stick you in a box, and cover you with dirt.
Or they barbecue you and put you above the fireplace.
Glad to see you're so well-versed in metaphysics.
Why? What do you think happens? Well, despite your inelegant description, for once we are in agreement.
I've found no evidence to suggest much of anything happens once one has passed on.
Too bad.
I was hoping to be reincarnated as Marie Antoinette's bar of soap.
Your lurid perversions never cease to surface, Jack.
Perhaps we should just focus on the matter at hand and keep quiet.
Fine by me.
(HOWLING IN THE DISTANCE) (MAN COUGHING) Jack, Jack, someone's here.
Take a message.
Jack! What? Okay, okay.
(SIGHING) Well, that was a total bust, and I'm dead tired.
Hilarious.
We'll just have to keep coming back until we succeed.
And what if the imposter never shows? Then you'll never sleep in your own bed again.
Don't tease me.
(MAN SCREAMING) The Dragoon has struck again.
"If you don't meet my demands, there will be more desecration.
" I'm telling you, no one could have gotten past us.
Unless it was the grave robber from beyond the grave.
Really, Jack.
Nothing could ever be more terrifying than waking up by your side.
That's what they all say, at first.
There must be another entrance into the crypt.
But to be sure we catch this burglar of the deceased red-handed, we'll have to stake out the crypt from the inside this time.
Well, how do you propose to do that? They clear out the mausoleum every evening, so the only people left inside after dark are D-E-D, dead.
That's why I've developed this morphogenic serum.
One sip of this will put me in a temporary coma so deep, everyone will believe I have expired.
I believe your brain's expired.
No, no.
It's perfect.
You see, they'll place me in the mausoleum.
The serum will wear off, and I'll awaken, and catch the vandal in the act.
And please tell me you're joking.
Oh, Jack, you must learn to have more faith in the miracles of science.
Provided I take the correct dosage, everything should go without a hitch.
I can't let you do that.
It's too dangerous.
And on the bright side, if I'm wrong, I'll never have to hear you say "I told you so.
" No, no, no! Oh, it doesn't seem Emilia? Jack, be good.
A humanitarian, an entrepreneur, a grand intellect in the body of a god.
But enough about me.
Emilia Rothschild, until we meet again, I hope you're enjoying those tea and crumpets in the sky.
(PEOPLE SOBBING) A lovely service, Jack.
Thanks, I didn't even use my best material.
BROGARD: What a world.
When a beautiful creature such as Madame Rothschild is struck down, while the likes of Monsieur Stiles continues to slither about.
What a pity it was not you who died instead of the fair Emilia.
Well, I'm sure that's just the grief talking.
Speaking of which, would you mind if I had one last moment alone with my former employer? Take as much time as you need.
Masculinity need fear no grief.
(SOBBING) I can't believe I let you do this.
You better wake up soon.
In fact, I'm not gonna let you out of my sight until you do.
Talk about a jack-in-the-box.
Jack? He has left.
The grief was too much for him, no doubt.
BROGARD: Emilia was the only one who could tolerate his insolence.
Shall I have the casket sent to the grave now, Gouverneur? Emilia had such a free spirit, did she not? Let us honor that spirit and truly set her free.
Cremate her at once.
Uh-oh.
(COUGHING) Well, I haven't been this screwed in a long time.
Emilia, this would be a really good time to be undead.
(GASPS) I've just had a miraculous experience.
Well, I hope you have another one real quick because we're about to be hickory smoked! Where am I? What are you doing here? And what is that smell? Well, to cut a long story short, it's called cremation.
Oh, my good Lord! I told you your plan was too dangerous! This isn't my plan! If you'd stuck to my plan, you'd be outside right now, saving me! Well, what do you think I'm trying to do? Oh, my good Lord, we're done, aren't we, Jack? No, I'd say we're about medium rare.
It's all right, it's all right.
There's nothing to be frightened of.
Let's not die bickering.
Let's die with dignity.
Wait a minute, I got a better idea.
(GRUNTING) Jack Stiles! Don't just lie there.
Pump! Oh, death, come quickly! I'm trying to rock us out of this mess! Oh! Okay, ready? (BOTH GRUNTING) JACK: That's it.
Pump it, baby.
(COUGHING) (BOTH GRUNTING) (BOTH COUGHING) (THUDDING) Well, I think we've found our Dragoon.
It's Captain Brogard! (GASPS) Brogard.
Your mission was successful, I presume.
BROGARD: It seems the Dragoon has struck again, Gouverneur.
Excellent.
The Dragoon is quickly becoming the most unpopular man on Palau-Palau.
Oui.
Soon he will not even be able to swish his cape without being surrounded by enemies.
What a pity Emilia is not here to toast with us.
(WHISPERING) How sweet.
Em, you should have heard me at your funeral.
Not a dry eye in the house.
Jack, when I was in a controlled coma, I saw it.
Saw what? The universe in its totality as a single blinding light.
Well, of course you saw a light, we were on fire.
I pray the dead whose graves we have desecrated understand the necessity of what we have done.
Gouverneur, I did not think of you as superstitious.
Surely the dead do not care about a thing.
CROQUE: Of course.
I must stop perusing those silly novellas at night.
Still, I will be very glad when all this is over.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Yeah, it's time for us to come back to life.
(TRIUMPHANTLY EXCLAIMING) This time you've gone too far, Governor.
I was wondering when you would grace me with your pestilence.
But you see, I have been expecting you.
Capitaine! BROGARD: Gouverneur? It seems we are learning to predict the maneuvers of this masked weasel.
Masked weasel? Up yours.
Execute him at once.
Seize him.
(LAUGHING) Okay, okay.
(LAUGHING) Imagine my surprise! Now you're in a bind.
BROGARD: After him! (SOLDIER RESPONDING IN FRENCH) (SCREAMING) Excellent.
(SHOUTING IN FRENCH) Kill him! (LAUGHING) Ouch.
SOLDIER: Come on! Nowhere to run, Dragoon.
A dead end, my friend.
I will miss our little game of chess.
Not as smart as we thought, eh, monsieur? The real question is, did you chase me here? Or did I lead you here? (LAUGHING) Why would you purposefully lead us into a dead end? What better place to raise the dead? (LAUGHING) Nonsense.
The rumors of your prowess are nothing but local folklore.
(LAUGHING) Correct? Don't say I didn't warn you.
Behold! (SCREAMING) Who shall I raise next, your mother? No! Please! Dragoon! Tell them we are sorry.
Tell them we meant no disrespect.
(STUTTERING) Tell them I will do anything.
There is only one way to forgiveness.
You must cease your desecrations.
Say something.
Oui.
Promise.
And make restitution to the families of the dead.
Restitution, yes.
And the Dragoon's name must be cleared.
Oh, very well.
If you fail, I will eat your brain! Oh, no, please! (BOTH WHIMPERING) I beg you.
Spare us.
(LAUGHING) Where are you? A miraculous recovery, Emilia, my dear.
The Daring Dragoon must have drugged me with a compound capable of simulating death, all for his own evil purposes.
Pardon me.
I wish I could remember.
Perhaps it is better that you do not.
Emilia, you missed the big news.
Really? Yeah, they caught the vandal who was desecrating the graves.
Turns out it wasn't the Daring Dragoon after all.
No? No, no, it was Brogard Uh, one of his men.
Isn't that right, Brogard? Come, Brogard, we are late for confession.
Em, I gotta tell you, you are one crazy woman.
We were lucky to survive that little stunt.
I really did see something, Jack.
I'm not sure there isn't more to life than life anymore.
Yeah, well, if you start passing out literature at breakfast, I'm moving out.
Fair enough.
Hey, what do you say we blow this dump and get some barbecued ribs in honor of today's events? Why not? Let's go where the spirits move us.
After you.
Let the seamstress take your measurements.
Well, I would, but she's gonna need a longer tape measure.
Sleepwalking again, are we? Hey, what the hell do we need new clothes for, anyway? You got enough fabric in that boudoir of yours to carpet Manhattan.
While your undergarments have likely petrified like a Neolithic fossil from overuse.
Hey, stay out of my drawers, sister.
And I mean that both ways.
Excuse me, miss.
Hmm? While you're down there, do a fellow a big favor, will you? You behave yourself.
Polish my buttons.
Hey, what's the plan today, anyway? Well, today's Saturday.
I thought we might go to the market and purchase accessories for our new wardrobes.
Oh, that could be fun, yeah.
Or you could stick ice picks in my toenails.
Oh, well, it's your choice.
I'm game for either.
Ancestors preserve us! (CROWD MURMURING IN SHOCK) What's the holdup here? This isn't the only funeral I've got today, you know.
Ancestors preserve us, indeed.
How could someone steal from the dead? A note! EMILIA: I'm certainly glad you agreed to go shopping with me, Jack.
I do hope you're enjoying yourself.
Are you kidding? This is hell on earth.
How long do you have to stand there staring at something before you decide to buy it, for Pete's sake? Haven't you ever heard of the expression, "It's not where you go, it's how you get there?" Only once, on prom night.
Keep the change.
Thank you.
Oh, see? You tip every garden-variety shopkeeper, but when old Jack needs a little advance on his paycheck, no, your purse clamps up like a nun at a sausage factory.
Oh, it pains me to see you so wanting.
I can see you're all broken up.
You know, you should haggle with these people.
Every time you pay more than you should, you raise the prices for the rest of us.
I know how to haggle.
I'm a good haggler.
Says you.
Says my bottom line.
Hey, no need to talk dirty, sister.
(PEOPLE SHOUTING) MAN: They've stolen from the dead! Hey, hey, whoa, whoa! Slow down there, partner.
What's all the commotion? The mausoleum.
A thief has desecrated the graves.
The ancestors.
It's horrible.
Who would stoop to robbing the grave? That's the worst of it.
He left a note.
It was the Daring Dragoon.
(SINGING) In 1801, the Revolution had been won And Uncle Sam's favorite son Had a job he needed done Which brought Jack to a lady Both beautiful and smart Who found his mix intriguing A scoundrel with a heart! From the Halls of Montezuma To the shores of Tripoli There was never a leatherneck braver A daring dragoon is he! He'll halt the bold advance Of Napoleon's attack There ain't a French or pirate rogue Who don't know Jack! From the Halls of Montezuma To the shores of Tripoli Sailin' 'round the bloody world To defend democracy And when ya need a fightin' man To trust or watch your back Just ask the bloke right next to ya Damn right! It's Jack! Me? Stealing rings off a bunch of bony stiffs? No, obviously, the culprit is unaware of your respect for the dead.
Don't start.
My good reputation is being dragged through the mud.
It is amazing how low people will go for a little spending cash.
Yeah, six feet under in this case.
If we're to clear your alter ego, we must catch the culprit in the act.
You mean, we Yes, Jack.
We'll need to spend the night in the cemetery.
Okay.
Oh, good.
Now all we have to do is wait to see who shows up.
Say, do we both have to be here? You want me to sit here alone so I can clear your name? Would you? Don't tell me you're frightened of graveyards, Jack.
No, not at all.
Just the werewolves and vampires that feed here.
(LAUGHING) It's no different than any other stakeout.
Well, I hate stakeouts.
We're in a cemetery, not a prison.
Right.
Sorry.
Do you want to scare away the grave robber before we catch him? (LAUGHING) What are you doing? Eating a sandwich.
Bite? Have you no respect for the dead? I didn't think they were hungry.
See, that's what I thought.
So tell me, Jack, what do you think happens to you after you've passed on? Well, your loved ones dress you in a monkey suit, stick you in a box, and cover you with dirt.
Or they barbecue you and put you above the fireplace.
Glad to see you're so well-versed in metaphysics.
Why? What do you think happens? Well, despite your inelegant description, for once we are in agreement.
I've found no evidence to suggest much of anything happens once one has passed on.
Too bad.
I was hoping to be reincarnated as Marie Antoinette's bar of soap.
Your lurid perversions never cease to surface, Jack.
Perhaps we should just focus on the matter at hand and keep quiet.
Fine by me.
(HOWLING IN THE DISTANCE) (MAN COUGHING) Jack, Jack, someone's here.
Take a message.
Jack! What? Okay, okay.
(SIGHING) Well, that was a total bust, and I'm dead tired.
Hilarious.
We'll just have to keep coming back until we succeed.
And what if the imposter never shows? Then you'll never sleep in your own bed again.
Don't tease me.
(MAN SCREAMING) The Dragoon has struck again.
"If you don't meet my demands, there will be more desecration.
" I'm telling you, no one could have gotten past us.
Unless it was the grave robber from beyond the grave.
Really, Jack.
Nothing could ever be more terrifying than waking up by your side.
That's what they all say, at first.
There must be another entrance into the crypt.
But to be sure we catch this burglar of the deceased red-handed, we'll have to stake out the crypt from the inside this time.
Well, how do you propose to do that? They clear out the mausoleum every evening, so the only people left inside after dark are D-E-D, dead.
That's why I've developed this morphogenic serum.
One sip of this will put me in a temporary coma so deep, everyone will believe I have expired.
I believe your brain's expired.
No, no.
It's perfect.
You see, they'll place me in the mausoleum.
The serum will wear off, and I'll awaken, and catch the vandal in the act.
And please tell me you're joking.
Oh, Jack, you must learn to have more faith in the miracles of science.
Provided I take the correct dosage, everything should go without a hitch.
I can't let you do that.
It's too dangerous.
And on the bright side, if I'm wrong, I'll never have to hear you say "I told you so.
" No, no, no! Oh, it doesn't seem Emilia? Jack, be good.
A humanitarian, an entrepreneur, a grand intellect in the body of a god.
But enough about me.
Emilia Rothschild, until we meet again, I hope you're enjoying those tea and crumpets in the sky.
(PEOPLE SOBBING) A lovely service, Jack.
Thanks, I didn't even use my best material.
BROGARD: What a world.
When a beautiful creature such as Madame Rothschild is struck down, while the likes of Monsieur Stiles continues to slither about.
What a pity it was not you who died instead of the fair Emilia.
Well, I'm sure that's just the grief talking.
Speaking of which, would you mind if I had one last moment alone with my former employer? Take as much time as you need.
Masculinity need fear no grief.
(SOBBING) I can't believe I let you do this.
You better wake up soon.
In fact, I'm not gonna let you out of my sight until you do.
Talk about a jack-in-the-box.
Jack? He has left.
The grief was too much for him, no doubt.
BROGARD: Emilia was the only one who could tolerate his insolence.
Shall I have the casket sent to the grave now, Gouverneur? Emilia had such a free spirit, did she not? Let us honor that spirit and truly set her free.
Cremate her at once.
Uh-oh.
(COUGHING) Well, I haven't been this screwed in a long time.
Emilia, this would be a really good time to be undead.
(GASPS) I've just had a miraculous experience.
Well, I hope you have another one real quick because we're about to be hickory smoked! Where am I? What are you doing here? And what is that smell? Well, to cut a long story short, it's called cremation.
Oh, my good Lord! I told you your plan was too dangerous! This isn't my plan! If you'd stuck to my plan, you'd be outside right now, saving me! Well, what do you think I'm trying to do? Oh, my good Lord, we're done, aren't we, Jack? No, I'd say we're about medium rare.
It's all right, it's all right.
There's nothing to be frightened of.
Let's not die bickering.
Let's die with dignity.
Wait a minute, I got a better idea.
(GRUNTING) Jack Stiles! Don't just lie there.
Pump! Oh, death, come quickly! I'm trying to rock us out of this mess! Oh! Okay, ready? (BOTH GRUNTING) JACK: That's it.
Pump it, baby.
(COUGHING) (BOTH GRUNTING) (BOTH COUGHING) (THUDDING) Well, I think we've found our Dragoon.
It's Captain Brogard! (GASPS) Brogard.
Your mission was successful, I presume.
BROGARD: It seems the Dragoon has struck again, Gouverneur.
Excellent.
The Dragoon is quickly becoming the most unpopular man on Palau-Palau.
Oui.
Soon he will not even be able to swish his cape without being surrounded by enemies.
What a pity Emilia is not here to toast with us.
(WHISPERING) How sweet.
Em, you should have heard me at your funeral.
Not a dry eye in the house.
Jack, when I was in a controlled coma, I saw it.
Saw what? The universe in its totality as a single blinding light.
Well, of course you saw a light, we were on fire.
I pray the dead whose graves we have desecrated understand the necessity of what we have done.
Gouverneur, I did not think of you as superstitious.
Surely the dead do not care about a thing.
CROQUE: Of course.
I must stop perusing those silly novellas at night.
Still, I will be very glad when all this is over.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Yeah, it's time for us to come back to life.
(TRIUMPHANTLY EXCLAIMING) This time you've gone too far, Governor.
I was wondering when you would grace me with your pestilence.
But you see, I have been expecting you.
Capitaine! BROGARD: Gouverneur? It seems we are learning to predict the maneuvers of this masked weasel.
Masked weasel? Up yours.
Execute him at once.
Seize him.
(LAUGHING) Okay, okay.
(LAUGHING) Imagine my surprise! Now you're in a bind.
BROGARD: After him! (SOLDIER RESPONDING IN FRENCH) (SCREAMING) Excellent.
(SHOUTING IN FRENCH) Kill him! (LAUGHING) Ouch.
SOLDIER: Come on! Nowhere to run, Dragoon.
A dead end, my friend.
I will miss our little game of chess.
Not as smart as we thought, eh, monsieur? The real question is, did you chase me here? Or did I lead you here? (LAUGHING) Why would you purposefully lead us into a dead end? What better place to raise the dead? (LAUGHING) Nonsense.
The rumors of your prowess are nothing but local folklore.
(LAUGHING) Correct? Don't say I didn't warn you.
Behold! (SCREAMING) Who shall I raise next, your mother? No! Please! Dragoon! Tell them we are sorry.
Tell them we meant no disrespect.
(STUTTERING) Tell them I will do anything.
There is only one way to forgiveness.
You must cease your desecrations.
Say something.
Oui.
Promise.
And make restitution to the families of the dead.
Restitution, yes.
And the Dragoon's name must be cleared.
Oh, very well.
If you fail, I will eat your brain! Oh, no, please! (BOTH WHIMPERING) I beg you.
Spare us.
(LAUGHING) Where are you? A miraculous recovery, Emilia, my dear.
The Daring Dragoon must have drugged me with a compound capable of simulating death, all for his own evil purposes.
Pardon me.
I wish I could remember.
Perhaps it is better that you do not.
Emilia, you missed the big news.
Really? Yeah, they caught the vandal who was desecrating the graves.
Turns out it wasn't the Daring Dragoon after all.
No? No, no, it was Brogard Uh, one of his men.
Isn't that right, Brogard? Come, Brogard, we are late for confession.
Em, I gotta tell you, you are one crazy woman.
We were lucky to survive that little stunt.
I really did see something, Jack.
I'm not sure there isn't more to life than life anymore.
Yeah, well, if you start passing out literature at breakfast, I'm moving out.
Fair enough.
Hey, what do you say we blow this dump and get some barbecued ribs in honor of today's events? Why not? Let's go where the spirits move us.
After you.