Jack of All Trades (2000) s02e02 Episode Script

(MEN WHOOPING) (BONGOS PLAYING) (MEN LAUGHING) SAILOR: Shake it, don't break it! (MAN LAUGHING) (SAILORS WHOOPING) Excuse me, Captain Standish.
We arrive at Palau-Palau at dawn.
Let me take the helm so you can enjoy the entertainment.
In the last fortnight, three vessels were lost in these waters, Woody.
I have no intention of meeting up with this creature tonight.
You go ahead.
Enjoy yourself.
But stay alert.
(SAILORS WHOOPING) Aye, Captain.
(BELL RINGING) Captain! Off the port bow, approaching fast! Come about! Hoist all sails! Aye, Captain! (PEOPLE SCREAMING) CAPTAIN: Bearing away to port! Brace for collision! (ALL CLAMORING) What the hell are you? (ALL SCREAMING) (BOTH SOBBING) I came as soon as I heard! (SOBBING) Jacques, Emilia, I am most distraught over the news of the latest sunken ship.
Hold me! (BLOWING NOSE) And I always thought the boogeyman was a myth.
There, there, Governor, your empathy with the victims of the wreck is most admirable.
Wait a minute.
Didn't you mention eight cases of your champagne were on that tugboat? Why do you think I am crying? I stand corrected.
Good news, Governor.
My men have found a survivor.
Big, huge teeth! Horrible teeth! Now, there's a man of few words.
Governor, might I suggest a temporary sailing ban, until the source of these attacks is discovered? Unfortunately, madame, the Governor cannot live without his caviar.
And surely the loss of even one ship is a small price to pay.
Come, Brogard.
The talk of food has made me quite hungry.
He's got a point.
That beluga hits the spot.
Jack, innocent lives are being lost! Emilia, come on, we're spies, not dragon slayers.
Oh, come now, you don't really believe in sea monsters, do you? (LAUGHING) Of course not.
I'm just not sure they know that.
Oh, no.
Every time you give me that look it means pro bono work.
I'm not pro pro bono.
Oh, no? Emilia, don't you have another toy we can ride around in? You know how much I hate this tin can.
Jack, I've discovered that the hull of this sub acts as an echo chamber.
We should be able to hear anything large enough to sink a ship.
Well, let's just hope nothing hears us, huh? Do you want a go? It's really quite fascinating.
No, thanks.
If I hear something, I'll spring a leak.
Oh, don't worry, Jack.
I'm sure the sea monster myth can be traced back to a perfectly grounded biological explanation.
Such as giant squid.
Just out of curiosity, what exactly is the difference between a sea monster and a giant squid? Well, that's what we're here to find out.
I've been leaking a trail of fish blood into the water.
I don't recall getting a memo about that.
(MACHINE BEEPING) (GASPING) Shh.
I hear something! Jack, listen to this.
(ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING) What the hell is that? I believe it's Toccata and Fugue in D minor, by Johann Sebastian Bach.
What kind of stuffy squid listens to classical music? Well, we're too deep for it to be coming from a surface vessel.
(ORGAN MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING) (GASPING) Oh, my good Lord! What is it? JACK: Oh, my good Lord! Dear God, allow me to introduce myself.
I'm Jack.
(SINGING) In 1801, the Revolution had been won And Uncle Sam's favorite son Had a job he needed done Which brought Jack to a lady Both beautiful and smart Who found his mix intriguing A scoundrel with a heart! From the Halls of Montezuma To the shores of Tripoli There was never a leatherneck braver A daring dragoon is he! He'll halt the bold advance Of Napoleon's attack There ain't a French or pirate rogue Who don't know Jack! From the Halls of Montezuma To the shores of Tripoli Sailin' 'round the bloody world To defend democracy And when ya need a fightin' man To trust or watch your back Just ask the bloke right next to ya Damn right! It's Jack! Nobody said anything about a giant shark! Let me try something.
(EMILIA GRUNTS) I've created a smoke screen! Perhaps we can outmaneuver it.
(EXCLAIMING) (SUBMARINE RUMBLING) It feels like we've landed on a solid surface.
Maybe sharky's got an iron lung.
(BUBBLING) We're not inside any animal, Jack.
We're obviously inside a giant submarine! If that's the case, step back, baby.
Time for Jack Stiles to work some face.
Jack, this vessel must have a very large crew.
If we don't hide, we could find ourselves surrounded by seamen.
Since you put it that way, down the hatch, sister! Come on, Jack! EMILIA: Go! Why is it that not one of you idiots was able to detect this vessel before it came into visual range, huh? Sorry, sir.
We thought it was a flounder.
(SCOFFING) Of course you did, because you are an empty-headed animal food trough wiper! (GROANS) JACK: Man, whoever that guy is, he needs to switch to decaf.
Now then, whoever was onboard this vessel must have seen us, which means no one can ever see them again! Capisce? Capisce.
I can't even make a trip to the head without some idiot screwing things up! Fetch me my siphon! (JACK GRUNTING) EMILIA: Get off me! Emilia, I swear to God, I fell asleep.
All guys wake up with a A stiff punch to the nose.
That's how I should've woken you up.
BLACKBEARD: (SINGING) Go down, Blackbeard BOTH: Blackbeard? (BLACKBEARD HOWLING) BLACKBEARD: (SINGING) To let me Blackbeard go Go down, Blackbeard Go down Egypt way Tell old Pharaoh To let me Blackbeard go (MUMBLING) (LAUGHING) Hey.
Time for me conjugal visit then, is it? I'd rather backstroke through a pool of raw sewage actually.
(CHUCKLING SUGGESTIVELY) Oy! Don't I know you two from somewhere? You must've caught our act at the Tiki Lounge.
Yeah.
I do shadow puppets and Em here charms a snake.
I can imagine.
But, hey, enough about us, how'd you get in here, anyway, Mister Blackbeard! Scourge of the Seven Seas! Well, let's see.
I was on me way back from a long weekend in Bangkok.
And believe me, they don't call it Bangkok for nothing! (BLACKBEARD LAUGHING) When all of a sudden me ship was sinking.
Next thing I knew, I wake up here in Captain Nardo's nightmare.
That must be the man we heard earlier.
Crazy bugger! Only lets me out to swab his deck.
And believe me, he's got a big deck for a little man.
Would you excuse us? If Blackbeard's been swabbing the decks, he may know his way around.
Oh, come on, we can't trust that fire breather any further than we can bowl him.
He's already suspicious.
He could blow our cover.
If you have a better idea of finding the exit, I'm all ears.
Oh! (EXCLAIMS) Today is your lucky day, Mr.
Blackbeard.
(CHUCKLING SUGGESTIVELY) Hey, you sure you know where you're going? (GRUNTS) (LAUGHING) (GROANING) And are you sure you don't want me playing hacky sack with your chicken nuggets? (IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Maybe later.
Then don't be questioning me sense of direction.
(SNIFFING) This way.
Testy, testy.
(LAUGHING SARCASTICALLY) We must be on the bridge.
All right.
So where's Captain Nerdo? Never mind Nardo.
Where's he keep his hooch? Judging from this painting, I'd say Cappy drank it all.
EMILIA: This man must be a genius.
His designs are quite impressive.
Hey, hold your hooch, big fella! No! Not here! Not now! Hands in the air! Finally, one of you cretins gets it right! Kill them.
Wait! You'd send us to our deaths without so much as an introduction? Oh! Well, where are my manners? Forgive me, signora.
(SPEAKING ITALIAN) I'm Captain Nardo Da Vinci.
The great, great, great, great grandson of the famous inventor Leonardo Da Vinci.
(GRUNTS IN CONFUSION) I am Emilia Rothschild and this is Mr.
Jack Stiles.
Hello.
Frankly, Goldilocks, I don't give a rhino's crack who you are.
I was just being polite.
Kill them! Oh, I wouldn't take it too personally, Emilia.
I'm sure Nardo here had a crappy childhood, living in the shadow of his truly great, great, (WHISPERING) Great.
Great, great, great grandfather, whose name he couldn't possibly live up to.
Yes.
That's right.
You just keep talking, Mr.
Bigpants! See where it gets you! (HICCUPPING) Because soon the world will realize that I am the only Da Vinci who really counts! (GRUNTS) Let me show you something.
This is my greatest invention.
Nardo's Knockout! She's a knockout, all right.
(HICCUPPING) No! That looks like a self-propelled underwater explosive.
Very perceptive! Because this is a self-propelled underwater explosive.
And tomorrow the world will fear its bite.
Tomorrow? What's tomorrow? You wouldn't dare.
Oh, wouldn't I? Tomorrow's the Annual Founding Father-Son Cruise! It's going through the East Indies this year.
Washington, Jefferson, Franklin, Adams, and the heads of all five families are gonna be on that ship! (HICCUPPING) Yes! And, boy, are they going to feel the rocket's red glare! And then, not too shortly afterwards, the whole world will be laid open to me to conquer nation by nation! (NARDO LAUGHING) (SINGING GIOVINEZZA) (SOBBING) Mama.
Mama.
Big truffle pig, he gets spanky on your ass.
(GROANS) Where was I? Oh! Kill them.
SAILOR: Aye, sir! Let 'er rip, spinach chin.
(ROARING) JACK: Come on, you idiot! Wait for me! This way! In there! Way to lead us out of here, Columbus! I get all turned around without the stars to guide me, don't I? You're gonna see stars, all right, pal! Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah? And while I'm at it A vertical tube.
That's how Nardo intends on firing his submersible projectile! Yeah, yeah, fascinating.
Look, we're dead.
No, listen to me.
We can launch ourselves right off the ship! SAILORS: Heave ho! No! No! No! Back, back, back, back.
SAILORS: (CHATTERING) You have the brain of a clam.
(GROANING) Oops.
Sorry.
You first.
I can always make room for two, you know? The thought alone nauseates me.
Whoa! BLACKBEARD: Bugger me! Okay, sister, you're next.
Who's gonna pull the lever for you? Well, when I figure that out you'll be the first to know.
All right.
Now get in there, kiddo.
See you topside.
Okay, brainiac.
Now what? JACK: Sayonara, suckers! Follow them.
Okay, we're out of that submersible sausage.
But how do we keep Nardo from making skeet out of the Founding Fathers, huh? I don't give a toss about your Founding Fathers, but I do have a bone to pick with that Captain Nardo! We're no match for Nardo in the water.
But he's not the only one with a new toy.
Emilia, when the hell did you have time to build this? Well, if you're going to sleep till noon, Jack, you're going to miss out on a few things.
(LAUGHING) There's the wanker! Hey, look.
There's the Founding Fathers' ship.
EMILIA: I hope they're okay.
JACK: Oh, they're fine.
Careful, George, don't throw your hip out.
(NARDO LAUGHING) Very sorry, boys, but I was never a fan of democracy.
Prepare to fire! (LAUGHING) Well, Blackbeard, I hope your aim is as deadly as your breath.
(BLACKBEARD LAUGHING) EMILIA: I hope this works.
(ALL SCREAMING) Captain Nardo, there's a balloon directly above us! Excellent! That will save me the trouble of having to find them.
(LAUGHING) A little bit more, a little bit more.
That's good! Uh-oh.
Oh, that's bad! Here! Die! That was close.
Incoming! (ALL SCREAMING) It must've been a dud! Speak for yourself.
EMILIA: The flame's dying out! Oh, my God! We're done for.
Without a flame we can't stay aloft.
JACK: What do you say, buddy boy? Got any more fireballs in that throat of yours? Well, me Gulliver's dried out, but if it's fire you want, I'm sure I can oblige! (LAUGHING) I don't like the sound of that.
(GRUNTING) What is he doing? Better to jump first, ask questions later.
(GRUNTING) (EMILIA SCREAMING) (GRUNTING) (EMILIA GASPING) (GROANING) I think we're at the end of our rope on this one, Jack! Well, at least it's better than riding in that stinking sub of yours.
Submarine? What submarine? Blimey! I thought I recognized you! Been nagging me all day! You're the wench who drilled a hole in me ship and kidnapped me hostage! That was your submarine, which must make you the Daring Dragoon! (YELLING) (LAUGHING) (GRUNTING) (GRUNTING) So much for our foolproof plan.
(GRUNTING) At least he's given us enough lift to make it back.
That's assuming he fails to dislodge that torpedo on top of us.
(GRUNTING) Well, we're not gonna hang around to find out, sister.
Time for some swing lessons! (BOTH EXCLAIMING) (JACK LAUGHING) (GRUNTING) (BOTH SCREAMING) (BLUBBERING) (SCREAMING) (LAUGHING) Nothing, but sub, baby! (JACK EXCLAIMING) (JACK LAUGHING) JACK: Now how do we get down? JACK: Just when I was starting to like old Blackbeard.
Really? No.
You know, Nardo was really quite brilliant.
Too bad he was a psychopath.
I wonder what truly drove him.
Oh, come on, that's a no-brainer.
Oh, really? Do enthrall me with your analysis, Jack.
Let me give you a hint.
The guy spends his whole life building torpedoes and rockets and submarines, obviously, he's got his own little missile crisis.
Do all your psychological theories involve anatomy? Just the good ones, baby.
So, you still believe in sea monsters then? Look, just because this one time was a false alarm doesn't mean there isn't something out there.
You know, I thought this whole experience would curb your superstitious nature.
Em, you got me all wrong.
It's unlucky to be superstitious.
(BOTH LAUGHING) NARDO: Get your hand off my joystick! BLACKBEARD: It's my joystick.
I'm captain around here! Give me that! What are you doing, you farty-bottom pirate?