Jack of All Trades (2000) s02e06 Episode Script
One, Two, Three: Give Me Lady Liberty!
Is everything clean enough for you? Everything but my thoughts, sugarplum.
EMILIA: I'm back! Oh! Emilia! I wasn't expecting you back until tomorrow.
Yes.
Clearly.
Hey, thanks for the bang-up job there, toots.
See you next week.
(SCOFFING) Yes, well, shame on you, Jack.
I'm hardly gone a week and you're already ogling an innocent housemaid.
But, Em, she's so thorough.
She even polishes the knobs.
And what is that smell? Is something cooking? You bet it is.
Don't you know what tomorrow is? The day I fire you? No, it's Thanksgiving! So I thought I'd cook up a little gobble, gobble for us to gobble, gobble.
Yes, Thanksgiving.
The day you befriended the Native Americans so you could swindle them out of their homeland.
Hey, at least we thanked them.
And while you and your French maid have been playing "stuff the bird," who's been keeping an eye on the Governor? Oh, relax.
Nothing happens on this island that Jack Stiles doesn't know about.
Oh, really? Then how do you explain the 10-storey statue being erected at Croque's mansion? What? (LAUGHS SHEEPISHLY) Em, I swear that wasn't there yesterday.
Are you blind? Golly, Governor! Emilia, Jack! What a pleasant surprise! Governor, I couldn't help noticing the rather large statue that nobody could possibly have missed.
Admire it while you can, my dear.
Once the statue is completed, it will be sent to America as a gift.
You're gonna need a lot of wrapping paper.
Naughty, naughty! A present for the Americans? What would the Emperor say? Who do you think ordered its construction? Where the hell's the face? We're a teenie weenie little bit behind schedule, Emperor Napoleon.
You think? Look! There's a man falling to his death! Where? (SCREAMING) (GASPING) What a pushover! That's got to hurt.
(SINGING) In 1801, the Revolution had been won And Uncle Sam's favorite son Had a job he needed done Which brought Jack to a lady Both beautiful and smart Who found his mix intriguing A scoundrel with a heart! From the Halls of Montezuma To the shores of Tripoli There was never a leatherneck braver A daring dragoon is he! He'll halt the bold advance Of Napoleon's attack There ain't a French or pirate rogue Who don't know Jack! From the Halls of Montezuma To the shores of Tripoli Sailin' 'round the bloody world To defend democracy And when ya need a fightin' man To trust or watch your back Just ask the bloke right next to ya Damn right! It's Jack! Vive la France! (CHUCKLING) (PEOPLE EXCLAIMING) Hey, babe.
Miss me? That was quite an entrance, Emperor.
Of course.
The extreme always makes a point.
Yeah, it's quite the mannequin you got there, Leon.
Mind if we have a closer look? I was just explaining to our friends, brother, that the statue is a gift for the President It of the United States It of America.
It's true.
God bless America.
Oh, it's a lovely gesture! May I ask what prompted it? I've turned over a whole new leaf, Emilia.
And now I just want peace on earth and goodwill towards man.
(BOTH MUMBLING) Bravo, Emperor! (CHUCKLING) Good! I couldn't help but noticing that the statue's missing a face.
Yeah, so is the architect who designed it.
I've decided to finish it myself, with your help of course, Emilia.
My help? You will pose for me, so I can model the statue's face after the most beautiful woman in the world.
Most flattering.
And we are going to honor the occasion with an old American tradition, the giving thanks speech.
Feast-giving Thanksgiving feast.
My chef is already preparing a delectable coq au vin.
Oh, no.
Hold on a minute there, Croquester.
(LAUGHING) You can't have chicken on Thanksgiving.
That's like having chicken on Thanksgiving.
Well, what would you suggest, my American friend? Well, you just leave it to your old pal Jack.
If we're gonna celebrate Thanksgiving, we're gonna do it right.
Good.
It's settled.
Emilia, you will meet me in my suite in one hour.
Offering your services to infiltrate the Emperor's feast was very swift thinking, Jack.
Oh, the hell with that.
I didn't want them wrecking a good old-fashioned American tradition.
Well, we have to do more than that.
You don't really think Napoleon wants peace on earth, do you? Oh, he wants piece, all right.
He wants the biggest piece.
Hey, try some of this.
Oh! It tastes like hot jam! It's cranberry sauce.
That's nasty, Jack.
You know, you're not exactly getting into the spirit of things.
I still don't know how you reconcile displacing an entire culture.
Well, don't get mad at me, I wasn't even there.
Besides, you're missing the whole point of the holiday.
Which is? Well, it's an excuse to get out of work and stuff your face.
It's the American way.
Oh, wonderful.
Well, if Napoleon's gift arrives as planned, my face will forever be immortalized as part of your country.
That wouldn't be so bad.
Oh, speaking of which, the Emperor's expecting me, so I'll see you at the feast.
EMILIA: I didn't know you could sculpt, Emperor.
I have many hidden talents, madame.
When I'm done, a cast will be taken and enlarged for the statue.
And what will you call your masterpiece? I named it in your honor.
It shall be called "The Statue of Ooh, What a Rack.
" Emperor, I have the blueprints you requested.
Good.
There is no better place for them than by my side.
Not that any one else would want them, of course.
Ah, Captain, since I've been gone a week I was wondering, have you had any more run-ins with the Daring Dragoon? Actually, no.
It has been deceptively quiet, madame.
(GROWLING) I fear we have not seen the last of him.
I hate the Daring Dragoon! I hate him! I hate you! The Governor's own therapist has suggested the doll to control the rage.
NAPOLEON: I hate you! Hate you! Hate you! Hate you! Say, Leon.
Why don't you do the honors and carve that sucker? There's something odd about that statue, Jack.
First chance we get, we must search the Emperor's suite and find the blueprints.
JACK: Don't you worry, Em.
We'll just keep the festivities flowing until everyone's in a coma.
Just white meat for me, brother.
A fit governor is a good governor! Die, bird! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Ah, ah, ah.
Not so fast, Cappy.
See.
Before we can eat, we have to go around the table so each of us can say what we're grateful for.
Emilia, why don't you go first? What a good idea.
Well, I'm thankful for my health and that of my loved ones, as well as the company of good friends.
Splendid.
I am grateful that I was not born a filthy peasant, and that the planets aligned to endow the Bonaparte family with wealth and good taste.
I am thankful that I have been spared the Dragoon's insolence for an entire week.
I'm grateful for miniskirts, the Wonderbra, penicillin Oh, and those little donut holes you can get 12 for a buck.
And I'm thankful that the world will soon be A place where we can all live in peace.
Brother.
(CHUCKLING) (ALL SNORING) Bed! Jack, wake up! I swear, I thought he was a woman.
Em? Why didn't you tell me you drugged the meal? I didn't.
This is how every Thanksgiving goes.
Napoleon's asleep.
Now's our chance to look at the blueprints.
I can't believe no one tried my pie! (DOOR OPENING) (WHISPERING) How convenient.
(EMILIA GASPS) EMILIA: Oh, my God, Jack, the statue is a Trojan horse! JACK: I'll be a son of a gun.
Okay, now put it back or he'll know we were here.
Thought you could sneak up on me, did you? Emilia, my traitorous dream girl.
Too bad, so sad, prepare to die.
You're dreaming, you gorgeous hunk of imperial man meat.
Otherwise, would a proper English lady such as myself be acting like a cheap hussy? Then strip and love me.
Yes, indeed.
Just close your eyes, and your wish is my command (SINGING) Go to sleep, Emperor And you can dream of me naked Imagine all we can do If you fall asleep right now (HUMMING) Oh, boy, I'd love to see the show going on between his ears.
There! I've recreated the statue's blueprints from memory.
Impressive, aren't I? Oh, big deal.
You're not the only one around here with a pornographic memory, sister.
Now pay attention.
By my calculations, the weight of the torch is keeping the rest of the statue in balance.
Wait a minute.
So you're saying if somehow we can figure out how to blow that torch, we can topple it? Precisely.
There's just one problem.
Oh? The statue's completely surrounded by soldiers.
So we're gonna need one hell of a diversion to get the bomb in place.
Wait a minute.
There's still one last Thanksgiving tradition that can occupy those Frenchies.
All right.
We're ready.
I've mastered this petty game.
Okay.
Coin toss determines the kickoff.
I'll take tails.
Heads! Prepare to suck my cleats.
(CHEERLEADERS CHANTING) Okay.
We're gonna play prison rules, baby.
If we can injure enough of Napoleon's team, he's got to use his statue guard.
That's brilliant, Jack.
He'll gladly use any of his men to win the game! Then I'll just put on the cape, make a surprise appearance and score the winning touchdown.
Hey, which reminds me.
Did you bring it? Oh.
I've rigged it with a 30-second fuse.
Good.
That's all the time I'll need.
Okay! One, two, three, break! (CROWD EXCLAIMING) Time to turn on the juice.
JACK: Oh, no, you don't! Take it home, baby brother! (ALL CHEERING) Way to go, bro! You got lucky this time, Leon.
Yeah.
I'm lucky you suck.
(GRUNTING) Defeat! Defeat! (WOMEN CHEERING) (LAUGHING) Yes! (GROANING) This is just an excuse to get your hands between my legs, isn't it? Oh, it's a nice little perk.
Right, now, come on, get your mind out of the gutter and concentrate on the game.
Here we go, 36, 24, 36.
Hut, hut, hut! (NAPOLEON EXCLAIMING) (RAZZING) You play like a girl.
(GROANING) I think he ruptured my spleen! BROGARD: You two, get changed! GUARDS: Oui, Captain! BROGARD: Come on! Get in! (SHOUTING) (GROANING) It's working, Jack.
The statue's unguarded.
Now's the perfect time to fake an injury.
Who's faking it? (GROANING) Ow, my leg! I can't go on! What? He's torn a ligament.
We're gonna have to use our second-string quarterback.
(GROANING) You got off easy.
Yeah? Till next time, Leon.
(GROANING) Knock it off! Governor.
Here you go.
Oh, Emilia, so kind, my dear.
Hut! Hut! Hut! (EXCLAIMING) (CROWD CHEERING) PLAYER: I got it! I got it! Denied.
The Daring Dragoon! Get him! Vite! Vite! (JACK LAUGHING) Merde! (PANTING) Where is this guy? He's not here.
Yes.
(SCREAMING) (SCREAMING) (LAUGHING) I don't know what you're doing here, Dragoon, but I'm glad you came.
We have some unfinished business, you and I.
Well, you remember me.
I'm flattered.
You'll be even flatter when I throw you to your death.
Oh, yeah? Over my dead Wait a minute.
Scratch that.
(GRUNTING) (LAUGHS) Game over, Leon! (LAUGHS) At last, Dragoon, your head will be my trophy for a game well played.
Look, if we don't get off this metal dame in a few seconds, both of us are gonna be dead.
I planted a bomb, see? Then we'll have to play overtime in hell! Sayonara, Leon.
This game's a blowout.
(JACK LAUGHING) No! (PEOPLE SCREAMING) (RUMBLING) You bastards! You blew her up! Why? Why? Why? Why? You damn, filthy Americans! (SOBBING) Excuse me, ma'am, I'm here to read the meter.
Oh, Jack! Jack! Jack, please wake up! Auntie Em? Thank God you're all right.
Hey, did it work? Yes, we did it.
The statue's destroyed and Napoleon's heading back to France with his tail between his legs.
(GROANING) Em, I think I'm in need of some serious medical attention.
Yes, we'll get you straight to the lab and get you fixed right up.
You're going to be just fine.
Hey, too bad about that statue.
Your mug looking down on the world might have been kind of nice.
You must've had a blow to the head.
Hey, you were actually worried about me, weren't you? I thought you were dead.
No such luck.
Looks like we're gonna be stuck with each other for a while longer.
Then we both have something to be thankful for today.
Let's get you fixed right up.
(GROANING) Sorry, sorry.
Yeah, yeah.
(GROANING) Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Oh, come on, Jack.
What?
EMILIA: I'm back! Oh! Emilia! I wasn't expecting you back until tomorrow.
Yes.
Clearly.
Hey, thanks for the bang-up job there, toots.
See you next week.
(SCOFFING) Yes, well, shame on you, Jack.
I'm hardly gone a week and you're already ogling an innocent housemaid.
But, Em, she's so thorough.
She even polishes the knobs.
And what is that smell? Is something cooking? You bet it is.
Don't you know what tomorrow is? The day I fire you? No, it's Thanksgiving! So I thought I'd cook up a little gobble, gobble for us to gobble, gobble.
Yes, Thanksgiving.
The day you befriended the Native Americans so you could swindle them out of their homeland.
Hey, at least we thanked them.
And while you and your French maid have been playing "stuff the bird," who's been keeping an eye on the Governor? Oh, relax.
Nothing happens on this island that Jack Stiles doesn't know about.
Oh, really? Then how do you explain the 10-storey statue being erected at Croque's mansion? What? (LAUGHS SHEEPISHLY) Em, I swear that wasn't there yesterday.
Are you blind? Golly, Governor! Emilia, Jack! What a pleasant surprise! Governor, I couldn't help noticing the rather large statue that nobody could possibly have missed.
Admire it while you can, my dear.
Once the statue is completed, it will be sent to America as a gift.
You're gonna need a lot of wrapping paper.
Naughty, naughty! A present for the Americans? What would the Emperor say? Who do you think ordered its construction? Where the hell's the face? We're a teenie weenie little bit behind schedule, Emperor Napoleon.
You think? Look! There's a man falling to his death! Where? (SCREAMING) (GASPING) What a pushover! That's got to hurt.
(SINGING) In 1801, the Revolution had been won And Uncle Sam's favorite son Had a job he needed done Which brought Jack to a lady Both beautiful and smart Who found his mix intriguing A scoundrel with a heart! From the Halls of Montezuma To the shores of Tripoli There was never a leatherneck braver A daring dragoon is he! He'll halt the bold advance Of Napoleon's attack There ain't a French or pirate rogue Who don't know Jack! From the Halls of Montezuma To the shores of Tripoli Sailin' 'round the bloody world To defend democracy And when ya need a fightin' man To trust or watch your back Just ask the bloke right next to ya Damn right! It's Jack! Vive la France! (CHUCKLING) (PEOPLE EXCLAIMING) Hey, babe.
Miss me? That was quite an entrance, Emperor.
Of course.
The extreme always makes a point.
Yeah, it's quite the mannequin you got there, Leon.
Mind if we have a closer look? I was just explaining to our friends, brother, that the statue is a gift for the President It of the United States It of America.
It's true.
God bless America.
Oh, it's a lovely gesture! May I ask what prompted it? I've turned over a whole new leaf, Emilia.
And now I just want peace on earth and goodwill towards man.
(BOTH MUMBLING) Bravo, Emperor! (CHUCKLING) Good! I couldn't help but noticing that the statue's missing a face.
Yeah, so is the architect who designed it.
I've decided to finish it myself, with your help of course, Emilia.
My help? You will pose for me, so I can model the statue's face after the most beautiful woman in the world.
Most flattering.
And we are going to honor the occasion with an old American tradition, the giving thanks speech.
Feast-giving Thanksgiving feast.
My chef is already preparing a delectable coq au vin.
Oh, no.
Hold on a minute there, Croquester.
(LAUGHING) You can't have chicken on Thanksgiving.
That's like having chicken on Thanksgiving.
Well, what would you suggest, my American friend? Well, you just leave it to your old pal Jack.
If we're gonna celebrate Thanksgiving, we're gonna do it right.
Good.
It's settled.
Emilia, you will meet me in my suite in one hour.
Offering your services to infiltrate the Emperor's feast was very swift thinking, Jack.
Oh, the hell with that.
I didn't want them wrecking a good old-fashioned American tradition.
Well, we have to do more than that.
You don't really think Napoleon wants peace on earth, do you? Oh, he wants piece, all right.
He wants the biggest piece.
Hey, try some of this.
Oh! It tastes like hot jam! It's cranberry sauce.
That's nasty, Jack.
You know, you're not exactly getting into the spirit of things.
I still don't know how you reconcile displacing an entire culture.
Well, don't get mad at me, I wasn't even there.
Besides, you're missing the whole point of the holiday.
Which is? Well, it's an excuse to get out of work and stuff your face.
It's the American way.
Oh, wonderful.
Well, if Napoleon's gift arrives as planned, my face will forever be immortalized as part of your country.
That wouldn't be so bad.
Oh, speaking of which, the Emperor's expecting me, so I'll see you at the feast.
EMILIA: I didn't know you could sculpt, Emperor.
I have many hidden talents, madame.
When I'm done, a cast will be taken and enlarged for the statue.
And what will you call your masterpiece? I named it in your honor.
It shall be called "The Statue of Ooh, What a Rack.
" Emperor, I have the blueprints you requested.
Good.
There is no better place for them than by my side.
Not that any one else would want them, of course.
Ah, Captain, since I've been gone a week I was wondering, have you had any more run-ins with the Daring Dragoon? Actually, no.
It has been deceptively quiet, madame.
(GROWLING) I fear we have not seen the last of him.
I hate the Daring Dragoon! I hate him! I hate you! The Governor's own therapist has suggested the doll to control the rage.
NAPOLEON: I hate you! Hate you! Hate you! Hate you! Say, Leon.
Why don't you do the honors and carve that sucker? There's something odd about that statue, Jack.
First chance we get, we must search the Emperor's suite and find the blueprints.
JACK: Don't you worry, Em.
We'll just keep the festivities flowing until everyone's in a coma.
Just white meat for me, brother.
A fit governor is a good governor! Die, bird! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Ah, ah, ah.
Not so fast, Cappy.
See.
Before we can eat, we have to go around the table so each of us can say what we're grateful for.
Emilia, why don't you go first? What a good idea.
Well, I'm thankful for my health and that of my loved ones, as well as the company of good friends.
Splendid.
I am grateful that I was not born a filthy peasant, and that the planets aligned to endow the Bonaparte family with wealth and good taste.
I am thankful that I have been spared the Dragoon's insolence for an entire week.
I'm grateful for miniskirts, the Wonderbra, penicillin Oh, and those little donut holes you can get 12 for a buck.
And I'm thankful that the world will soon be A place where we can all live in peace.
Brother.
(CHUCKLING) (ALL SNORING) Bed! Jack, wake up! I swear, I thought he was a woman.
Em? Why didn't you tell me you drugged the meal? I didn't.
This is how every Thanksgiving goes.
Napoleon's asleep.
Now's our chance to look at the blueprints.
I can't believe no one tried my pie! (DOOR OPENING) (WHISPERING) How convenient.
(EMILIA GASPS) EMILIA: Oh, my God, Jack, the statue is a Trojan horse! JACK: I'll be a son of a gun.
Okay, now put it back or he'll know we were here.
Thought you could sneak up on me, did you? Emilia, my traitorous dream girl.
Too bad, so sad, prepare to die.
You're dreaming, you gorgeous hunk of imperial man meat.
Otherwise, would a proper English lady such as myself be acting like a cheap hussy? Then strip and love me.
Yes, indeed.
Just close your eyes, and your wish is my command (SINGING) Go to sleep, Emperor And you can dream of me naked Imagine all we can do If you fall asleep right now (HUMMING) Oh, boy, I'd love to see the show going on between his ears.
There! I've recreated the statue's blueprints from memory.
Impressive, aren't I? Oh, big deal.
You're not the only one around here with a pornographic memory, sister.
Now pay attention.
By my calculations, the weight of the torch is keeping the rest of the statue in balance.
Wait a minute.
So you're saying if somehow we can figure out how to blow that torch, we can topple it? Precisely.
There's just one problem.
Oh? The statue's completely surrounded by soldiers.
So we're gonna need one hell of a diversion to get the bomb in place.
Wait a minute.
There's still one last Thanksgiving tradition that can occupy those Frenchies.
All right.
We're ready.
I've mastered this petty game.
Okay.
Coin toss determines the kickoff.
I'll take tails.
Heads! Prepare to suck my cleats.
(CHEERLEADERS CHANTING) Okay.
We're gonna play prison rules, baby.
If we can injure enough of Napoleon's team, he's got to use his statue guard.
That's brilliant, Jack.
He'll gladly use any of his men to win the game! Then I'll just put on the cape, make a surprise appearance and score the winning touchdown.
Hey, which reminds me.
Did you bring it? Oh.
I've rigged it with a 30-second fuse.
Good.
That's all the time I'll need.
Okay! One, two, three, break! (CROWD EXCLAIMING) Time to turn on the juice.
JACK: Oh, no, you don't! Take it home, baby brother! (ALL CHEERING) Way to go, bro! You got lucky this time, Leon.
Yeah.
I'm lucky you suck.
(GRUNTING) Defeat! Defeat! (WOMEN CHEERING) (LAUGHING) Yes! (GROANING) This is just an excuse to get your hands between my legs, isn't it? Oh, it's a nice little perk.
Right, now, come on, get your mind out of the gutter and concentrate on the game.
Here we go, 36, 24, 36.
Hut, hut, hut! (NAPOLEON EXCLAIMING) (RAZZING) You play like a girl.
(GROANING) I think he ruptured my spleen! BROGARD: You two, get changed! GUARDS: Oui, Captain! BROGARD: Come on! Get in! (SHOUTING) (GROANING) It's working, Jack.
The statue's unguarded.
Now's the perfect time to fake an injury.
Who's faking it? (GROANING) Ow, my leg! I can't go on! What? He's torn a ligament.
We're gonna have to use our second-string quarterback.
(GROANING) You got off easy.
Yeah? Till next time, Leon.
(GROANING) Knock it off! Governor.
Here you go.
Oh, Emilia, so kind, my dear.
Hut! Hut! Hut! (EXCLAIMING) (CROWD CHEERING) PLAYER: I got it! I got it! Denied.
The Daring Dragoon! Get him! Vite! Vite! (JACK LAUGHING) Merde! (PANTING) Where is this guy? He's not here.
Yes.
(SCREAMING) (SCREAMING) (LAUGHING) I don't know what you're doing here, Dragoon, but I'm glad you came.
We have some unfinished business, you and I.
Well, you remember me.
I'm flattered.
You'll be even flatter when I throw you to your death.
Oh, yeah? Over my dead Wait a minute.
Scratch that.
(GRUNTING) (LAUGHS) Game over, Leon! (LAUGHS) At last, Dragoon, your head will be my trophy for a game well played.
Look, if we don't get off this metal dame in a few seconds, both of us are gonna be dead.
I planted a bomb, see? Then we'll have to play overtime in hell! Sayonara, Leon.
This game's a blowout.
(JACK LAUGHING) No! (PEOPLE SCREAMING) (RUMBLING) You bastards! You blew her up! Why? Why? Why? Why? You damn, filthy Americans! (SOBBING) Excuse me, ma'am, I'm here to read the meter.
Oh, Jack! Jack! Jack, please wake up! Auntie Em? Thank God you're all right.
Hey, did it work? Yes, we did it.
The statue's destroyed and Napoleon's heading back to France with his tail between his legs.
(GROANING) Em, I think I'm in need of some serious medical attention.
Yes, we'll get you straight to the lab and get you fixed right up.
You're going to be just fine.
Hey, too bad about that statue.
Your mug looking down on the world might have been kind of nice.
You must've had a blow to the head.
Hey, you were actually worried about me, weren't you? I thought you were dead.
No such luck.
Looks like we're gonna be stuck with each other for a while longer.
Then we both have something to be thankful for today.
Let's get you fixed right up.
(GROANING) Sorry, sorry.
Yeah, yeah.
(GROANING) Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Oh, come on, Jack.
What?