Jake 2.0 (2003) s01e01 Episode Script
The Tech
Coach: COME ON, LADIES! LET'S SEE SOME HUSTLE.
LET'S SEE SOME HUSTLE.
UH, EXCUSE ME.
IS OUR LITTLE PRACTICE BOTHERING YOU? GET ON THE FIELD! [WHISTLE BLOWS.]
ALL RIGHT, LET'S WORK! LET'S SCRIMMAGE.
COME ON! YOU SEEM SO DISTAN THESE DAYS, BRETT.
IS THERE SOMETHING I DID? 'CAUSE IF THERE IS, I WANT YOU TO TELL ME.
ASHLEY, IT'S JUST-- I'M READY TO WORK THROUGH WHATEVER IT IS THAT WE NEED TO WORK THROUGH.
BUT WE NEED TO COMMUNICATE.
I NEED YOU TO TALK TO ME.
ASHLEY, IT'S JUST THA I LOVE YOU SO MUCH IT SCARES ME.
IT SCARES ME.
IT SCARES ME.
OH, MAN, YOU WANNA HEAR SOMETHING WAY MESSED UP? YOU KNOW THAT MOLLY HATCHETT SHIR I WAS WEARING THE OTHER DAY? YOU KNOW, THE ONE WITH THE EXECUTIONER GUY HOLDING THAT BLOODY AX, AND UNDER HIS FOOT'S THE SEVERED HEAD.
YEAH.
YEAH.
THAT'S MY SHIRT.
YEAH, SO MY MOM, SHE MAKES US GO TO CHURCH EVERY WEEK, AND WE GOTTA DRESS UP.
AND SO I GET THERE, AND THE STUPID PRIES SAYS I CAN'T COME IN.
YOU CAN'T WEAR STUFF LIKE THA AT CHURCH, MAN.
WHY NOT, MAN? IT'S CHURCH.
THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO FORGIVE PEOPLE THERE.
SO YOU HATE MY SHIRT.
FORGIVE ME-- LET ME COME IN.
HEY, I BELIEVE IN GOD, MAN.
I'VE SEEN HIM.
I'VE FELT HIS POWER.
HE PLAYS DRUMS FOR LED ZEPPELIN, AND HIS NAME IS JOHN BONHAM, BABY! OH, YEAH! OH, YEAH! [KENNY LOGGINS' I'M ALRIGHTPLAYS.]
NAH, NAH, NAH.
HERE WE GO, HERE WE GO.
[IMITATING BILL MURRAY.]
HEY, LISA! HERE'S THOSE NOOGIES YOU ORDERED.
IT'S A REAL CINDERELLA STORY.
EH, FORMER GREENS KEEPER.
OH! HE GOT ALL OF THAT ONE! IT'S IN THE HOLE! IT'S IN THE HOLE! Older kid: SAM WEIR.
Older kid: SAM WEIR.
YOU REALLY LIKE BILL MURRAY, DON'T YOU? YEAH.
HE'S GREAT.
BILL MURRAY SUCKS, MAN.
NO, HE DOESN'T.
HE'S COOL.
OH, REALLY? WHAT IS HE, YOUR BOYFRIEND? SAM QUEER.
IT'S FIGHTIN' TIME, WEIRD.
LEAVE ME ALONE, ALAN.
I'M SORRY.
I DON'T SPEAK GEEK.
I ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW WHAT IT'D BE LIKE TO FIGHT A GIRL.
Girl: I'M A GIRL.
WANNA SEE WHA IT'D BE LIKE TO FIGHT ME? UH.
WEIR'S SISTER HAS TO PROTECT HIM? I'M NOT PROTECTING HIM.
JUST TRYING TO FIGURE OU WHY IT IS YOU NEED TO PICK FIGHTS WITH GUYS WHO WEIGH LESS THAN A HUNDRED POUNDS.
WATCH OUT, ALAN.
I THINK SHE'S HIGH ON POT.
YEAH.
I MIGHT JUS GO PSYCHO ON YOU.
YOU WANNA TRY ME? YOU WANNA TRY ME? YOU'RE DEAD, ALL RIGHT? AS SOON AS YOUR FREAK SISTER ISN'T AROUND, I'M GONNA CREAM YOU, MAN.
I'M GONNA CREAM YOU, MAN.
YOU KNOW, YOU REALLY DIDN'T NEED TO DO THAT.
I COULD'VE HANDLED IT.
YEAH, I KNOW.
AND BY THE WAY, I WEIGH 103 POUNDS.
I WEIGH 103 POUNDS.
SORRY.
SORRY.
MAN, I HATE HIGH SCHOOL.
MAN, I HATE HIGH SCHOOL.
dd I DON'T GIVE A DAMN 'BOUT MY REPUTATION dd dd I DON'T GIVE A DAMN 'BOUT MY REPUTATION dd dd LIVIN' IN THE PAST, IT'S A NEW GENERATION dd dd LIVIN' IN THE PAST, IT'S A NEW GENERATION dd dd GO AND DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO dd dd AND THAT'S WHA I'M GONNA DO dd dd AND I DON'T GIVE A DAMN 'BOUT MY BAD REPUTATION dd dd AND I DON'T GIVE A DAMN 'BOUT MY BAD REPUTATION dd dd OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO dd dd NOT ME dd dd WHAH! NO! dd dd NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO dd dd NOT ME dd dd ME, ME, ME, ME dd dd I DON'T GIVE A DAMN 'BOUT MY REPUTATION dd dd I DON'T GIVE A DAMN 'BOUT MY REPUTATION dd dd I'VE NEVER BEEN AFRAID OF ANY DEVIATION dd dd I'VE NEVER BEEN AFRAID OF ANY DEVIATION dd dd AND I DON'T REALLY CARE IF YOU THINK I'M STRANGE dd dd I AIN'T GONNA CHANGE dd dd AND I'VE NEVER GONNA CARE 'BOUT MY BAD REPUTATION dd dd AND I'VE NEVER GONNA CARE 'BOUT MY BAD REPUTATION dd dd NOT ME! dd dd NOT ME! dd CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY DREAMWORKS TELEVISION, L.
L.
C.
YOU KNOW, I RAN INTO MRS.
PATTON TODAY AT FARMER JACK, AND SHE SAID SHE SAW YOU SMOKING.
WELL, SHE'S CRAZY.
MOMI CAN'T BELIEVE YOU.
DO YOU SERIOUSLY THINK I WOULD START SMOKING? OK.
IHEH.
Harold Weir: YOU KNOW, I HAD A FRIEND THAT USED TO SMOKE.
YOU KNOW WHA HE'S DOING NOW? HE'S DEAD.
YOU THINK SMOKING MAKES YOU LOOK COOL? LET'S GO DIG HIM UP NOW AND SEE HOW COOL HE LOOKS.
DADDY, IF I STARTED SMOKING, I WOULD TELL YOU.
OH, GOOD.
NOW I DON' HAVE TO WORRY.
HEY, DAD, GUESS WHAT.
THEY'RE SHOWINGMONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL AT PARKWAY SATURDAY NIGHT.
NEAL, BILL, AND I ARE GONNA WATCH IT TWICE IN A ROW.
GREAT.
SAM, ISN'T THE HOMECOMING DANCE SATURDAY NIGHT? YEAH.
ARE YOU GOING? NO.
WHY WOULD I DO THAT? WELL, YOUR SISTER'S GOING.
NO, I'M NOT.
ALL RIGHT, KIDS, HIGH SCHOOL IS FOR LEARNING, BUT IT'S ALSO WHERE YOU SHOULD BE LEARNING HOW TO SOCIALIZE.
THAT'S WHAT HIGH SCHOOL DANCES ARE ALL ABOUT.
NO, THEY'RE NOT.
THEY'RE JUST A CHANCE FOR THE POPULAR KIDS TO EXPERIMENT WITH SEX IN THEIR CARS.
LINDSAY! HEY! IF THAT'S WHA YOU WANT ME TO DO, THEN I'D BE HAPPY TO GO.
YOU KNOW, THERE WAS A GIRL IN OUR SCHOOL SHE HAD PREMARITAL SEX.
YOU KNOW WHAT SHE DID ON GRADUATION DAY? DIED OF AN OVERDOSE-- HEROIN.
DAD, ARE ANY OF YOUR FRIENDS ALIVE? THE SMART ONES.
Jean Weir: I'M SURE THERE ARE PLENTY OF KIDS WHO ARE JUST DYING FOR SOMEONE TO ASK THEM.
MOM, THAT'S THE STUPIDES THING I'VE EVER HEARD.
HONEY, IT'S STUPID UNTIL YOU CONSIDER HOW HAPPY IT'LL MAKE SOMEBODY WHO REALLY WANTS TO GO.
NOBODY I KNOW WANTS TO GO.
LINDSAY, HONEY.
DAD! GREAT.
THAT WORKS OUT PERFECT.
I'M HAVING A MIDNIGHT MADNESS DEER HUNTING SALE THAT NIGHT, AND YOU CAN COME WAIT ON ALL THOSE NICE HUNTERS.
THE CHOICE IS YOURS.
THE CHOICE IS YOURS.
THANKS, CARLA.
THANKS, CARLA.
HEY, ELI.
I THINK TOM NEEDS A HUG.
MY BUDDY.
MY BUDDY.
MY BUDDY.
OK.
OK.
OK.
OK.
YOU'RE SUCH A JERK, MAN.
WHAT? ELI LIKES YOU.
CONGRATULATIONS.
[LAUGHTER.]
[LAUGHTER.]
HEY, MR.
K.
MR.
SCHWEEBER.
IT'SSCHWEIBER.
IT'SSCHWEIBER.
[IMITATING WILLIAM SHATNER.]
AH, MR.
BONES, MR.
SPOCK.
MAY I JOIN YOU HERE IN THEENTERPRISEMESS HALL? I'M SO HUNGRY I COULD EAT A TRIBBLE.
I--I DON'T GET IT.
WHO'S THAT? JOHN WAYNE.
OH.
OK.
WHY DOES MY MOM ALWAYS PUT A NOTE IN MY LUNCH? IT'S SO EMBARRASSING.
AT LEAST YOUR MOM DOESN' WRITE THE NOTE ON THE BAG.
AT LEAST YOUR MOM DOESN' WRITE THE NOTE ON THE BAG.
ARE YOU GUYS GOING TO THE HOMECOMING DANCE? NO.
I REALLY DON' SEE THAT HAPPENING.
OH, I'M SORRY.
DID I CRUSH YOUR TWINKIES? WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR? WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO, GO CRYING TO YOUR SISTER, SAM REAR? NO.
NO, I'M NOT.
MR.
KOWCHEVSKI.
ALAN SMASHED MY TWINKIES.
OH, MY GOD.
YOU'RE SUCH A WOMAN.
OH, MY GOD.
YOU'RE SUCH A WOMAN.
ALAN, YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO THAN TO CRUSH MR.
WEIR'S DESSERT? OH, WELL, YOU KNOW, I WAS JUST BENDING DOWN TO TALK TO HIM, AND I ACCIDENTALLY LEANED ON IT.
I'M SORRY.
WHY DON'T YOU GO DO THE NICE THING AND BUY HIM SOME NEW ONES? OH, YES, SIR.
THANK YOU, MR.
KOWCHEVSKI.
SAM, YOU WAN SOME ADVICE? BE A MAN.
BE A MAN.
YOU SHOULDN'T LET ALAN DO THAT TO YOU.
I DON'T SEE YOU DOING ANYTHING! MY DAD TELLS ME TO STAY OUT OF FIGHTS THAT DON'T AFFECT ME DIRECTLY.
IT'D SURE BE NICE IF YOU GUYS BACKED ME UP ONCE IN A WHILE.
MY SISTER DOES, AND SHE'S A GIRL.
YEAH, BUT IF WE BACK YOU UP, THAN ALAN'S GONNA TERRORIZE US, TOO.
LISTEN, YOU GUYS HAVE GOTTA HELP ME, OR ELSE HE'S NEVER GONNA LEAVE ME ALONE.
OR ELSE HE'S NEVER GONNA LEAVE ME ALONE.
AH! HEY, DANIEL.
HEY, LINDSAY.
WHAT'S UP? WHERE YOU BEEN? I BEEN JUST AROUND.
I BEEN JUST AROUND.
COME ON, LET'S HIT THE PATIO.
COME ON, LET'S HIT THE PATIO.
OH, THE SMOKING PATIO.
MM-HMM.
OK.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
THEY DON'T BITE.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
THEY DON'T BITE.
OK.
OK.
OW! DON'T TOUCH ME, YOU SCUZZ.
I'M SORRY.
YOUR BUT WAS CALLING TO ME.
YOUR BUT WAS CALLING TO ME.
HEY, NICHOLAS, YOU GET THOSE M-80s? I DON'T KNOW, MAN.
YOU GOT THE MONEY? I DON'T KNOW, MAN.
YOU GOT THE MONEY? YOU GUYS KNOW LINDSAY? HI.
YOU WERE IN LAST YEAR, RIGHT? YOU'RE THAT CHICK WHO GOT AN "A.
" YEAH, WELL WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? I DON'T KNOW.
WHATAREYOU GONNA DO? WHATAREYOU GONNA DO? SO, YOU GUYS GOING TO THE HOMECOMING DANCE? I BEG YOUR PARDON? THAT'S FUNNY.
, RIGHT? THAT'S FUNNY.
IT'S A JOKE MY DAD'S KINDA MAKING ME GO.
YOUR DAD'S MAKING YOU GO TO THE DANCE? MAN, WHAT'S THA ALL ABOUT? WHO'S YOUR DAD-- HITLER? WHO'S YOUR DAD-- HITLER? I JUST THOUGHT MAYBE YOU GUYS WERE GONNA GO TO MAKE FUN OF PEOPLE.
THAT COULD BE KINDA FUNNY, RIGHT? I WOULD GO, BUT I HAVE A PRIOR ENGAGEMENT.
MY COUSIN JUST SENT ME A BUNCH OF MUSHROOMS, AND I'M GONNA EAT THEM.
LOOK, YOU KNOW THEY'RE GONNA PLAY DISCO.
RIGHT? DISCO SUCKS.
I HATE DISCO.
dd OOH OOH dd dd COO-COO COO COO-COO dd I'D RATHER MAKE OUT WITH PRINCIPAL FARBER.
OOH, AGAIN.
SHUT UP, MAN.
SHUT UP, MAN.
OW.
OW.
WHAT, WHAT? OH! MY GOD, MAN.
OH! I CAN'T WAIT TILL YOU'RE NOT PAYING ATTENTION.
GET OUTTA HERE! CHECK IT OUT.
WHAT'S SHE WANT? CHECK IT OUT.
WHAT'S SHE WANT? LINDSAY? LINDS.
FRIEND OF YOURS LINDS? I'LL BE RIGHT BACK, OK? OK.
OK.
OK.
MILLIE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT HERE? WHAT AREYOU DOING OU HERE? THIS PLACE IS FOR FREAKS.
MILLIE, GO AWAY.
TODAY'S THE DEADLINE TO ENTER THE ACADEMIC DECATHLON.
MR.
ROSSO SAID YOU DIDN'T TURN IN YOUR APPLICATION.
WHAT? MILLIE, I'M NOT ENTERING.
BUT YOU'RE OUR BEST MATH-LETE.
BUT YOU'RE OUR BEST MATH-LETE.
COULD WE NOT TALK ABOUT THIS RIGHT NOW? LINDSAY, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH ME.
I JUST DON'T WANT TO DO DECATHLON THIS YEAR.
WELL, AREN'T YOU AT LEAST GOING TO HELP US SELL REFRESHMENTS AT THE HOMECOMING DANCE? WE'RE TRYING TO RAISE MONEY TO BUY THE SCHOOL A COMPUTER.
TO BUY THE SCHOOL A COMPUTER.
SHH! SHH! GENTLEMEN, HERE'S MY ADVICE.
LISTEN TO NEAL.
YOU SHOULD HANDLE ALAN THE SAME WAY HAN SOLO DEALT WITH JABBA THE HUT.
AVOID HIM.
JUST AVOID HIM FOREVER? JUST FOR 4 YEARS.
JUST FOR 4 YEARS.
SAM.
THERE'S CINDY SANDERS.
SAM.
THERE'S CINDY SANDERS.
DREAM ON, SAM.
OH, MAN.
UH-OH, INCOMING.
UH-OH, INCOMING.
HEY, SAM, I'VE BEEN LOOKING ALL OVER FOR YOU.
IS THIS YOUR JACKET? IS THIS YOUR JACKET? YEAH.
YOU LEFT IT IN SCIENCE.
I DIDN'T WANT I TO GET ALL DIRTY.
YOU LEFT IT IN SCIENCE.
I DIDN'T WANT I TO GET ALL DIRTY.
OH, THANKS, CINDY.
THAT WAS REALLY NICE OF YOU.
YEAH, WELL, I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
YEAH, WELL, I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
SAM.
YOU ARE SO IN.
WHAT? SHE BROUGHT YOU YOUR JACKET.
THAT MEANS SHE SAW IT, SHE REMEMBERED IT WAS YOURS, SHE PICKED IT UP AND CARRIED I THROUGH THE HALLS.
PEOPLE PROBABLY SAW HER WITH IT AND EVERYTHING.
I WONDER IF SHE HAS A DATE FOR THE DANCE.
CINDY SANDERS IS IN LOVE WITH YOU, MAN.
CINDY SANDERS IS IN LOVE WITH YOU, MAN.
YOU REALLY THINK CINDY LIKES ME? HELLO? THE JACKET.
NO WAY.
WE'RE NO HER SPECIES.
LISTEN, JUS DO ME A FAVOR.
ASK AROUND.
SEE IF SHE HAS A DATE FOR THE DANCE.
WHO SHOULD I ASK? OK.
THE DANCE IS TOMORROW.
SHE'S A CHEERLEADER.
YOU'VE SEENSTAR WARS 27 TIMES.
DO THE MATH.
I KNOW, BU MY DAD ALWAYS TELLS ME THAT THE PRETTIEST GIRLS USUALLY DON'T GET ASKED OU 'CAUSE GUYS ARE TOO AFRAID TO ASK THEM.
REALLY? MAYBE I SHOULD ASK OU FARRAH FAWCETT- MAJORS.
HEY, MAYBE I SHOULD ASK OUT BILL'S MOM.
YOU BETTER NOT.
LISTEN, JUS ASK AROUND, OK? DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT.
DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT.
GET OUTTA THE WAY.
HEY.
CHEMISTRY EXAM YOU ORDERED.
ALL RIGHT.
GOOD JOB.
ALL RIGHT.
GOOD JOB.
WHERE ARE THE ANSWERS? YOU JUST SAID TO STEAL THE TEST.
OH, GOOD WORK, GENIUS.
WAY TO USE YOUR BRAIN.
WHAT? I'M CUTTING.
WHO'S GOT GUM? Nick: SORRY.
Nick: SORRY.
OH, YEAH, THAT'S REAL GREAT.
WHY DON'T YOU BLOW YOUR NOSE IN SOME BREAD AND MAKE ME A SANDWICH, TOO? WHY IS EVERYONE CRAWLING UP MY BUTT TODAY? 'CAUSE YOU'RE A MORON.
HEY, KIM, I GOT SOME.
HEY, KIM, I GOT SOME.
WHAT'S SHE DOING HERE? UH, SHE'S OUR FRIEND.
WHAT, ARE YOU DOING HER SO THAT SHE'LL HELP YOU WITH YOUR MATH HOMEWORK? HEY, LAY OFF.
UM, KIM, I-- I WASN'T TALKING TO YOU, BRAIN.
DON'T YOU HAVE A TEST TO TAKE OR SOMETHING? HEY, WOULD YOU BE COOL? I MEAN, PLEASE.
DID I DO SOMETHING TO YOU? YOU'RE HERE.
KIM.
I HAVE AS MUCH RIGH TO BE HERE AS YOU DO.
I HAVE AS MUCH RIGH TO BE HERE AS YOU DO.
HEY, BRAIN, I SHOPLIF IN YOUR DADDY'S STORE.
YOU'RE JUS SOME RICH KID WHO'S TRYING TO PISS OFF HER PARENTS.
YOU THINK YOU CAN HANG WITH THESE GUYS? YOU THINK THAT'S GONNA MAKE YOU COOL? YOU THINK THAT'S GONNA MAKE YOU COOL? I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO TELL YOU.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO TELL YOU.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M SORRY.
LET'S BE FRIENDS.
LET'S BE FRIENDS.
HEY.
THERE.
NOW WE'RE FRIENDS.
SEE YOU AT THE MALL.
WHAT ARE YOU, ON YOUR PERIOD? HEY, YOU WANNA HANG AROUND WITH YOUR LITTLE POSER FRIEND HERE AND PRETEND WITH HER, THAT'S YOUR WASTE OF TIME, JUST KEEP HER THE HELL AWAY FROM ME.
JUST KEEP HER THE HELL AWAY FROM ME.
THAT IS EXACTLY WHY I DON'T CARRY A PURSE.
[CLASS BELL RINGS.]
I GOTTA GE TO SHOP CLASS.
IT'S THE ONLY ONE I CAN PASS.
HERE.
I'M SORRY.
HERE.
I'M SORRY.
DON'T YOU HAVE TO GET TO CLASS, TOO? OH.
I'LL SURVIVE.
OH.
I'LL SURVIVE.
THESE SHORTS AREN' VERY FLATTERING, ARE THEY? NO, YOU LOOK GOOD.
THANKS.
THANKS.
HEY, HOW COME YOUR SISTER'S DRESSING SO WEIRD NOW? WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I DON'T KNOW.
I MEAN, SHE'S BEEN WEARING YOUR DAD'S ARMY JACKET.
I DON'T KNOW.
SHE'S BEEN ACTING WEIRD EVER SINCE OUR GRANDMA DIED.
[SLAM.]
YOU'RE DEAD, WEIRD! YOU'RE DEAD, WEIRD! ALAN? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT'S THE POIN OF ALL THIS? THE POINT? THE POINT? THE POINT IS, YOU'RE DEAD, TOO "LITTLE MAN.
" "LITTLE MAN.
" I KIND OF WISH I DIDN' COME TO SCHOOL TODAY.
I KIND OF WISH I DIDN' COME TO SCHOOL TODAY.
HI.
WOULD YOU, UH, WOULD YOU COME TO THE HOMECOMING DANCE WITH ME? WOULD YOU COME TO THE HOMECOMING DANCE WITH ME? UM, I WOULD, BUT, UM, I ALREADY HAVE A DATE, SO I CAN'T.
SORRY.
WILL YOU GO TO HOMECOMING DANCE WITH ME? [LAUGHING.]
ELI.
WHAT? THERE'S A BEE ON YOUR BOOK.
WHERE? OH, I'LL GET IT.
[BOOK DROPS.]
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU? YOU JERK.
I'M SORRY.
DIDN'T MEAN TO UPSET YOUR HUSBAND.
[LAUGHING.]
OH, YEAH? WHAT IF HE WAS MY HUSBAND? THAT'D BE SOME KIND OF JOKE TO YOU? IT'S NO JOKE TO ME.
I THINK YOU TWO MAKE A GOOD COUPLE.
YEAH? MAYBE WE DO.
HEY, ELI.
DO YOU WANT TO GO TO THE HOMECOMING DANCE WITH ME? YES.
YES, I DO.
YEAH, PLEASE.
YEAH.
I WILL GO.
GOOD.
GOOD.
COME ON, ELI.
COME ON, ELI.
[CLAP CLAP.]
ALL RIGHT, FELLAS, I JUST WANNA LET YOU KNOW THAT IN HONOR OF THE BIG HOMECOMING GAME TOMORROW, I'M GONNA GIVE YOU GUYS THE DAY OFF.
I'M GONNA GIVE YOU GUYS THE DAY OFF.
CAN WE GO HOME? SCHWEIBER, DON'T BE AN IDIOT, ALL RIGHT? I MEAN, WE'RE GONNA DO SOMETHING FUN.
I'M GONNA LET YOU GUYS PLAY DODGE BALL.
YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! [SIGH.]
OH, MAN.
OH, NO.
OH, NO.
OH, MY GOD! Coach: ALL RIGHT.
COME ON, GUYS, LET'S GO.
COME ON, GUYS, LET'S GO.
WOULD SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME WHAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE FUN ABOUT THIS? IF WE JUST LE OURSELVES GET HIT, THEN WE CAN GET OUT.
LET'S JUST PRETEND TO GET HIT.
NOBODY'D KNOW.
I DON'T THINK WE CAN.
LADIES, PUT DOWN THE MASCARA, GET IN THERE, AND PLAY.
COME ON.
GET IN THERE, AND PLAY.
COME ON.
VERY NICE.
I CAN'T TAKE IT, MAN.
I GOTTA GE OUT OF HERE.
LOOK! "LITTLE MAN'S" MAKING A RUN FOR IT.
HEY, ONLY MY MOM'S ALLOWED TO CALL ME THAT.
HEY, ONLY MY MOM'S ALLOWED TO CALL ME THAT.
UH! OHH! OHH! OW.
OH! OK.
NOW IT'S TIME TO SMEAR WEIR.
SAM! GET AWAY FROM ME! WE NEED TO STICK TOGETHER.
ARE YOU CRAZY? HEY, KID! OHH! Fat kid: YEAH! OH, MY GOD! UHH! [WHISTLE BLOWS.]
YEAH! SOLOMON.
HEY, HEY.
HEY, THAT'S ILLEGAL.
YOU'RE OUT OF THERE.
ALL RIGHT, SCHWEIBER, COME ON, WALK IT OFF.
ALL RIGHT, SCHWEIBER, COME ON, WALK IT OFF.
SIT DOWN, YOU KNUCKLEHEAD.
SIT DOWN, YOU KNUCKLEHEAD.
THERE'S NOWHERE TO HIDE, WEIRD.
KID, GET AWAY FROM US.
THAT PSYCHO'S AFTER YOU.
THAT PSYCHO'S AFTER YOU.
Coach: PICK 'EM UP AND THROW 'EM.
Coach: PICK 'EM UP AND THROW 'EM.
THAT'S THE WAY.
NICE THROW, WUSS.
HE CAUGHT MY BALL.
I'M OUT.
HA HA! YEAH! OHH! OHH! GO, TIM, GO! GO, TIM, GO! [CHEERING.]
[CHEERING.]
OH, MY GOD! HA HA HA! ALL RIGHT, WHITE, TAKE A SEAT.
COME ON, WEIR, THROW IT BACK.
CATCH IT.
COME ON.
CATCH IT.
COME ON.
DODGE BALL'S KIND OF A STUPID GAME, ISN'T IT? DODGE BALL'S KIND OF A STUPID GAME, ISN'T IT? YOU JUST SIGNED YOUR DEATH WARRANT.
YOU JUST SIGNED YOUR DEATH WARRANT.
MAN, THAT CHICK DIGS YOU, I'M TELLING YOU.
SHE LIKES ME? YES! THAT'S REALLY GREAT.
HEY, SO, ELI.
WHAT? THAT JIMMY CARTER, HE'S SOME PRESIDENT, RIGHT? HE'S BEEN DOING A HELLUVA JOB.
OH, HE'S DOING A HELLUVA JOB.
OH, HE'S DOING A HELLUVA JOB.
HEY, BUT I GOTTA SAY, I'M A LITTLE CONCERNED ABOUT HIS HANDLING OF THE ECONOMY.
I MEAN, AREN'T YOU? I'M A LITTLE CONCERNED.
MAYBE.
MAYBE I'M A LITTLE I'M A LITTLE CONCERNED.
COME ON.
COME ON, ELI.
GIVE HIM A BREAK.
LOOK WHAT HE'S DONE IN THE MIDDLE EAST.
THE MIDDLE EAST.
THE MIDDLE THE MIDDLE OF THE EAST.
I BET YOU'D MAKE A GOOD PRESIDENT, ELI.
PRESIDENT ELI? YEAH.
OK.
PRESIDENT ELI! PRESIDENT ELI! HEY, YOU GUYS, CUT IT OUT.
LEAVE HIM ALONE.
WHAT? WE'VE HAVING A POLITICAL DISCUSSION HERE.
POLITICAL.
ELI, YOU DON'T HAVE TO TALK TO THEM.
THEY'RE JUS BEING MEAN.
NO.
THEY'RE MY BUDDIES.
THEY'RE MY BUDDIES.
WE'RE HIS BUDDIES.
AIN'T THAT RIGHT, MR.
PRESIDENT? NO, THEY'RE NOT, ELI.
I'M MAKING THEM LAUGH.
BUDDIES.
I'M MAKING NOT THIS WAY.
THERE'S A GOOD KIND OF LAUGHING AND A BAD KIND OF LAUGHING.
THIS IS BAD.
ELI, THEY'RE ONLY LAUGHING AT YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE RETARDED.
I'M NOT RETARDED.
I'M SPECIAL.
I'M NOT RETARDED.
I'M SPECIAL.
I'M SPECIAL.
ELI, YOU ARE SPECIAL.
I'M SORRY.
I KNOW YOU'RE SPECIAL.
THEY'RE BEING MEAN TO YOU.
I'M NOT RETARDED.
OK.
YOU'RE RETARDED! I'M SORRY.
NO! NO! I'M NOT RETARDED! I AM SPECIAL! I DON'T WANNA GO TO DANCE WITH YOU! I'M SORRY.
I'M SORRY.
[SCREAMING IN PAIN.]
OH, MY GOD.
OH, MY GOD.
AND I'M THE MEAN ONE? HOW DOES THAT WORK? AND I'M THE MEAN ONE? HOW DOES THAT WORK? SOWHAT'S GOING ON HERE? ALL I-- I WAS TRYING TO DO SOMETHING NICE IN A STUPID SCHOOL WHERE NOTHING NICE EVER HAPPENS, BUT INSTEAD ELI BROKE HIS ARM AND NOW I FEEL LIKE THE BIGGEST IDIO IN THE WORLD.
NO.
WHY AREN'T YOU TAKING PAR IN THE ACADEMIC DECATHLON? WHAT? WE NEED YOU.
YOU'RE OUR BEST MATH-LETE.
OH, GOD, PLEASE DON'T SAY THAT WORD.
OH, GOD, PLEASE DON'T SAY THAT WORD.
YOU HAVIN' SOME PROBLEMS AT HOME? NO, I'M NOT.
IS IT A BOY? NO.
HEY, YOU CAN TELL ME.
I KNOW IT SEEMS SQUARE TO ACTUALLY TALK TO YOUR GUIDANCE COUNSELOR, BUT I WAS A KID ONCE, TOO, AND NOT THAT LONG AGO.
MR.
ROSSO, THERE'S NOTHING TO TELL.
TRUST ME.
OK.
OK.
I SEE THE PROBLEM HERE.
LET'S JUST RAP AS PEOPLE, OK? NO PRESSURE.
FROM NOW ON, I'M NOT "MR.
ROSSO, GUIDANCE COUNSELOR.
" YOU'RE NOT? NO.
I'M JUST JEFF, YOUR FRIEND WHO CARES.
JEFF.
EXACTLY.
AND YOU'RE NOT "MS.
WEIR, HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT.
" YOU'RE LINDSAY, A GIRL WHO SEEMS LIKE SHE NEEDS A FRIEND.
SO, COME ON, LINDS.
TALK TO YOUR BUDDY JEFF.
JEFF I'VE NEVER FELT BETTER IN ALL MY LIFE.
WELL, THEN MAYBE SOMEONE SHOULD TELL YOUR FACE.
[SIGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
AHH, YES, INTERESTING PROBLEM.
FRESHMAN BULLIES.
HE'S OBVIOUSLY ACTING OUT HIS INSECURITIES IN A NEW ENVIRONMENT.
IF YOU CAN DISCONNECT EMOTIONALLY, IT'S REALLY QUITE SAD.
IN HIS OWN WAY, HE'S REACHING OUT FOR A FRIEND.
NOT THAT YOU SHOULD FEEL SORRY FOR HIM, THOUGH.
HIS KIND SHOULD BE DESTROYED.
SO WHAT DO WE DO? I WOULD RECOMMEND THE CRESSMAN CONUNDRUM.
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? TOM CRESSMAN-- MY FRESHMAN TORMENTOR.
THE IDEA WAS, IF YOU FIGHT YOUR BULLY, AFTERWARDS, WHETHER YOU WIN OR LOSE, THEY'LL TEND TO LEAVE YOU ALONE.
DID IT WORK? HE BROKE MY TAILBONE, BU THE RESULTS WERE EFFECTIVE.
HE GOT EXPELLED.
IT'S A GOOD PLAN.
IT'S A TERRIBLE PLAN, OK? I'M NOT FIGHTING ALAN.
HE'S NOTMYTORMENTOR.
I KNOW EVERY ROUTE HE TAKES TO EACH CLASS, AND I AVOID THOSE HALLS.
IT'S THAT SIMPLE.
START LEAVING OUT THE JANITOR'S DOOR LIKE I DO.
ARE YOU LOOKIN' FOR A FIGHT, DORK?! NO, SIR.
WELL, YOU'RE GONNA GET ONE! UNH UNH TELL ME ABOUT THIS STUPID CRESSMAN CONUNDRUM.
dd WHAT YOU GONNA DO WHEN THE TIME COMES dd dd AND YOU HAVE TO EARN YOUR WAY? dd dd WHAT WILL YOU dd HEY, ARE YOU, UH ARE YOU, UH, ARE YOU OK? IS IT JUST ME OR DOES THE WHOLE WORLD SUCK? dd WHEN YOU'RE FINALLY ON YOUR OWN dd AFTER CLASS, YOU AND ME ARE CUTTIN' OUTTA HERE.
CUTTING? YEAH.
YEAH! I GOT SOMETHING TO SHOW YOU THAT-- IT'S GONNA MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.
IT'S GONNA MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.
Film narrator: MOS OF THE PROFESSIONS ARE OCCU-- I GUESS THE FIRST THING THAT WE GOTTA DO IS GET HIM ON THE GROUND.
HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO THAT? CUT HIS LEGS OFF? SHOULD I WEAR A CUP FOR THIS? THAT'S BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR GOD, BILL.
THAT'S BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR GOD, BILL.
HEY, GEEK.
HEY, GEEK.
YOU GOT A PROBLEM? YOU GOT A PROBLEM? UHNO.
I WAS I WAS JUST LOOKING AT A FRIEND OF MINE.
ARE YOU TELLING ME THATILOOK LIKE A FRIEND OF YOURS? HEY, KIM, I THINK HE LIKES YOU.
HEY, KIM, I THINK HE LIKES YOU.
IS THAT TRUE? DO YOU LIKE ME? DO YOULOVEME? DO YOULOVEME? UHI LIKE YOU LIKE A FRIEND.
I DON'T THINK SO.
I THINK YOULIKE ME LIKE ME.
I THINK YOU WANT TO KISS ME.
DO YOU WANT TO KISS ME? DO YOU WANT TO KISS ME? UH, I DON'T KNOW.
COME ON.
JUST ONE LITTLE KISS.
I'LL BE YOUR GIRLFRIEND.
I'LL BE YOUR GIRLFRIEND.
[SLAM.]
IN YOUR DREAMS, GEEK.
IN YOUR DREAMS, GEEK.
MAYBE WE SHOULD GET HER TO BEAT UP ALAN.
MAYBE WE SHOULD GET HER TO BEAT UP ALAN.
GO.
GO.
GO.
EH HEH WAIT FOR ME, MAN.
WAIT FOR ME, MAN.
BE PREPARED TO HAVE YOUR MIND BLOWN.
BE PREPARED TO HAVE YOUR MIND BLOWN.
CHECK IT OUT, MAN.
THAT'S, UH, 14 MOUNTED TOMS, 8 FLOOR TOMS, 4 SPLASHES, 2 GONGS, 10 COWBELLS, 4 RIDES, 5 SNARES, MAN A ROTO-TOM RACK, AND IT'S ALL MOUNTED ON MY INFAMOUS QUADRUPLE KICK DRUM SYSTEM.
6 MORE PIECES, I'VE GOT A BIGGER KI THAN NEAL PEART FROM RUSH.
YEAH! [CONFUSED.]
THAT'S GREAT, NICK.
LOOK, THESE TEACHERS-- THESE TEACHERS WANT US TO WORK, YA KNOW? AND I SAY, "FINE.
I'LL WORK, BUT YOU'VE GOTTA LET ME DO THE KIND OF WORK THAT I WANNA DO.
" AND FOR ME, LINDSAY, IT'S-- IT'S MY DRUM KIT, MAN.
THIS IS MY PASSION, YA KNOW? THIS IS-- THIS IS THE ESSENCE OF WHO I AM NOW.
BUT BEFORE I HAD THIS, I WAS LOST, TOO.
YOU SEE WHAT I'M SAYIN'? YOU NEED TO FIND YOUR REASON FOR--FOR LIVING.
I MEAN YOU GOTTA FIND YOUR BIG, GIGANTIC DRUM KIT, YA KNOW? YOU GOTTA FIND YOUR BIG, GIGANTIC DRUM KIT, YA KNOW? HEY, MAYBE I'LL BUY A CLARINET.
YEAH.
YEAH.
IF YOU'RE NO GOING TO THE DANCE, I THOUGHT YOU COULD COME OVER TO MY HOUSE.
A BUNCH OF GUYS WHO PLAY A GUITAR ARE GONNA COME OVER.
WE'RE JUST, UH I DON'T KNOW.
WE'RE GONNA TRY PLAYING DARK SIDE OF THE MOON OR SOMETHIN'.
JUST TELL YOUR DAD YOU WENT.
I CAN'T LIE TO MY DAD.
REALLY? REALLY? YEAH.
OK.
WHY DON'T YOU TELL YOUR DAD THAT YOU GOT A DATE? NO.
LISTEN I'LL PUT ON A SUIT, ALL RIGHT? I'LL COME PICK YOU UP, TALK NICE TO YOUR DAD, AND THEN I'LL TAKE YOU TO THE SCHOOL, AND WE CAN WALK UP TO THE DOOR OF THE DANCE, AND THEN WE CAN TAKE OFF.
THAT WAY YOU CAN TELL YOUR DAD YOU WENT.
YOU WOULDN'T BE LYIN'.
YOU'D REALLY DO THAT? YOU'D REALLY DO THAT? ABSOLUTELY.
[CAR HORN HONKS.]
AHEM.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO.]
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO.]
HELLO THERE! HELLO, JEFF.
GUESS WHO'S IN TROUBLE? GUESS WHO'S IN TROUBLE? HERE'S THE DEAL: IF YOU TAKE PART IN THE ACADEMIC DECATHLON, I'LL FORGET THIS EVER HAPPENED.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BE A MATH-LETE? THAT IS SO NOT FAIR.
THE WORLD IS NO BLACK AND WHITE.
IT'S GRAY.
AND I REALLY THINK IT'D BE GOOD FOR YOU.
JEFF I REALLY CAN'T DO THAT.
I REALLY CAN'T DO THAT.
FINE,MS.
WEIR.
THEN MAYBE IT'S TIME FOR SOME TOUGH LOVE.
HOW ABOUT I, UH, CALL YOUR PARENTS, AND I LET THEM KNOW THAT THEIR DAUGHTER'S TURNING INTO A BURNOU WHO SKIPS CLASS? NO.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I CAN'T MAKE YOU BE A MATH-LETE, BUT I CAN MAKE YOU WORK THE REFRESHMENT TABLE AT THE HOMECOMING DANCE.
I'LL SEE YA SATURDAY AT 7:00.
Harold: YOU KNOW WHO USED TO CUT CLASS? JIMI HENDRIX.
YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM? HE DIED, CHOKING ON HIS OWN VOMIT.
DADDY, I SKIPPED LATIN.
OH, WELL, I CAN UNDERSTAND WHY YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO LEARN ABOUT THAT.
IT'S ONLY THE BUILDING BLOCK OF OUR LANGUAGE.
WELL, I'M JUST GLAD YOUR GRANDMOTHER WASN'T ALIVE TO HEAR ABOUT THIS.
YOU CAN'T CUT CORNERS IN LIFE! YOU KNOW WHO CUT CORNERS? KENNEDY.
KENNEDY CUT CORNERS WHEN HE WAS RUNNING THE BAY OF PIGS.
A LOT OF GOOD MEN LOST THEIR LIVES BECAUSE OF IT.
YOU KNOW WHO ELSE CUT CORNERS? JANIS JOPLIN.
DAD! WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? YOU DON' MAKE ANY SENSE! I JUST CUT CLASS, AND, GUESS WHAT? EVERYBODY'S STILL ALIVE.
JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! [DOOR SLAMS.]
[DOOR SLAMS.]
YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING, DON'T YA, SAM? YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING, DON'T YA, SAM? Y-YEAH.
GOOD.
PASS THE ROLLS.
PASS THE ROLLS.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
UMDO YOU WANT ME TO COME-- CAN I COME IN? UMDO YOU WANT ME TO COME-- CAN I COME IN? DO YOU THINK THA ME, NEAL, AND BILL COULD BEAT UP ALAN? DO YOU THINK THA ME, NEAL, AND BILL COULD BEAT UP ALAN? JUST ALAN? YEAH.
ALAN AND HIS BUDDIES? MMMNO TO MAYBE.
YEAH.
THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.
YEAH.
THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.
UM, WHY ARE YOU THROWING YOUR LIFE AWAY? UM, WHY ARE YOU THROWING YOUR LIFE AWAY? DID DAD TELL YOU TO ASK ME THAT? NO.
MILLIE DID.
AHH THAT FIGURES.
FORGET IT.
YOU KNOW, TELL HER TO MIND HER OWN BUSINESS.
YOU KNOW, TELL HER TO MIND HER OWN BUSINESS.
YOU KNOW, JUST BECAUSE SHE ASKED ME TO ASK YOU DOESN'T MEAN I WAS GONNA TELL HER WHAT YOU SAID.
DOESN'T MEAN I WAS GONNA TELL HER WHAT YOU SAID.
SAM? SAM? DID MOM AND DAD EVER TELL YOU THAT I WAS THE ONLY ONE WITH GRANDMA WHEN SHE DIED? THAT I WAS THE ONLY ONE WITH GRANDMA WHEN SHE DIED? NO.
NO.
YEAH.
YEAH.
I WENT DOWN TO THE CAFETERIA TO GET SOME COFFEE AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, GRANDMA LOOKED SO TERRIFIED.
I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
[SIGHS.]
SHE GRABBED MY HAND AND TOLD ME SHE DIDN'T WANT TO GO.
SHE LOOKED SO SCARED, SAM.
SO I SAID, "WELL, YOU KNOW, CAN YOU SEE GOD OR HEAVEN OR A LIGH OR ANYTHING?" WHAT DID SHE SAY? "NO.
THERE'S NOTHING.
" THERE'S NOTHING.
" SHE WAS A GOOD PERSON ALL HER LIFE, AND THAT'S WHAT SHE GOT.
SHE WAS A GOOD PERSON ALL HER LIFE, AND THAT'S WHAT SHE GOT.
SO YOU DO THINK THA WE COULD BEAT UP ALAN? YOU DO THINK THA WE COULD BEAT UP ALAN? YEAH.
YEAH.
HE'S A GONER.
HE'S A GONER.
dd OH, MAMA, I'M IN FEAR FOR MY LIFE dd dd FROM THE LONG ARM OF THE LAW dd dd FROM THE LONG ARM OF THE LAW dd dd LAWMAN HAS PUT AN END TO MY RUNNIN' dd dd AND I'M SO FAR FROM MY HOME dd dd AND I'M SO FAR FROM MY HOME dd dd OH, MAMA, I CAN HEAR YOU A-CRYIN' dd dd YOU'RE SO SCARED dd OH, MAN, WHERE'S SAM? IT'S ALMOST 3:00.
ALAN'S GONNA BE HERE.
I'LL BE HE FORGOT HIS MATH BOOK.
I'M SURE HE'S COMING.
ALL RIGHT.
COLIN! YOU CAME TO HELP US? NO WAY.
I JUS CAME TO WATCH.
IT SHOULD BE EXCITING.
UH, BECAUSE WE'RE GONNA WIN? EITHER WAY.
OH, MAN, WHERE'S SAM? OH, MAN, WHERE'S SAM? SAM.
I CAN'T TALK.
GOTTA FIGHT ALAN.
I CAN'T TALK.
GOTTA FIGHT ALAN.
HI, SAM.
HI, SAM.
OH, HI, CINDY.
WHERE'S SAM? IT'S 3:00.
OH, OK.
SO NOW DON'T LET ALAN HIT ANY OF YOUR PRESSURE POINTS BECAUSE IF HE DOES, YOU'RE NOT GONNA FEEL ANYTHING, BUT YOU'LL DROP DEAD IN 3 DAYS.
BUT YOU'LL DROP DEAD IN 3 DAYS.
OH, MAN, MY STOMACH HURTS.
BILL, YOU'LL BE FINE.
NO, IT REALLY HURTS.
I THINK I SHOULD GO HOME.
THIS IS HOW HOUDINI DIED.
OH, YOU SHOULD ALWAYS GUARD YOUR FACE BECAUSE IF THE OTHER GUY HITS YOU IN THE NOSE, IT COULD DRIVE THE NOSE BONE INTO YOUR BRAIN.
THEN YOU'LL RELEASE YOUR BOWELS AND DIE.
SHUT UP, WOULD YA? NO.
HE'S RIGHT.
THERE ARE A LOT OF WAYS TO DIE IN A FIGHT.
MAYBE WE SHOULD PUT THIS OFF.
HEY, THERE'S SAM.
SAM! SAM! SAM! STOP IT.
STOP IT, YOU MORON.
THAT'S NOT SAM.
IT'S ALAN.
WHAT? SO, UM, WHA ARE YOU DOIN' JUST GOIN' HOME.
HOW ABOUT YOU? I'M CHEERING AT THE GAME.
OH.
WELL YOU'RE DRESSED FOR IT.
HA HA HA! WHAT ARE YOU LOSERS DOIN' ON MY STREET? NOTHING.
WE'RE KIND OF HERE TO BEAT YOU UP.
BILL! WELL, WE ARE.
AREYOU? HE'S JUST-- HE'S KIDDING.
I'M NOT TALKIN' TO YOU, DORK! HEH HEH.
HEH HEH.
WHA ARE YOU LAUGHIN' AT, PINHEAD? OH, I'M JUST HERE TO WATCH.
OH, REALLY? WELL, WATCH THIS.
WELL, WATCH THIS.
AH! AH! YOU ARE SO DEAD.
AH! AH! WELL, UM, I GOTTA GET OUT THERE.
I'LL SEE YA.
ALL RIGHT.
SEE YA.
ALL RIGHT.
SEE YA.
HEY, CINDY? YEAH? YEAH? I WAS WONDERING, UM I WAS WONDERING, UM DO, UH DO, UH YOU WANNA PIECE OF ME? I'LL KILL YOU! BRING IT ON.
BRING IT ON.
UM UM DO YOU WANNA GO TO THE HOMECOMING DANCE WITH ME? WELL, I'M ALREADY GOING WITH DAN LEWIS.
HE ASKED ME 2 WEEKS AGO.
HE ASKED ME 2 WEEKS AGO.
OH, OK.
I MEANYEAH.
I JUS THOUGHT I WOULD ASK JUST IN CASE YOU DIDN'T HAVE ANYONE TO GO WITH.
WELL, UM I GOTTA GET OUT THERE, SO I'LL SEE YA.
OH, IF YOU'RE THERE, I'LL SAVE A DANCE FOR YOU.
OK.
OK.
SEE YA.
SEE YA.
THAT COULD BE GOOD.
THAT COULD BE GOOD.
[SIGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
GET OFF ME, YOU PSYCHOS! UNH! AH! YOU RIPPED MY SHIRT.
YOU'RE GONNA BUY ME A NEW SHIRT! YOU GUYS ARE ALL DEAD, MAN! REALLY DEAD! YOU GUYS ARE ALL DEAD, MAN! REALLY DEAD! I GOT PUNCHED IN THE NOSE, BUT-- BUT I'M STILL ALIVE.
I GUESS THE NOSE BONE MUST HAVE MISSED MY BRAIN.
YEAH.
MY STOMACH DOESN'T HURT ANYMORE.
MINE DOES.
MINE DOES.
DID YOU SEE ME? I WAS TAUNTING HIM.
HE WAS TERRIFIED.
DID YOU SEE ME? I HAD HIS ARMS.
TOTALLY SHUT HIM DOWN.
I HAD HIS SHOES.
I HAD HIS SHOES.
WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU GUYS FOUGHT ALAN? NO.
WE GOT HI BY A CAR.
LISTEN, I'M SO SORRY.
I WAS TALKIN' TO CINDY.
YOU REALLY STOOD UP FOR ME.
YOU SHOULD SEE HOW HE LOOKS.
WE TORE HIS SHIRT.
YEAH.
SO WHAT'D SHE SAY? SHE'S GOT A DATE.
SHE'S SAVING A DANCE FOR ME.
SO YOU'RE GOIN'.
YEAH.
YOU'VE GOTTA SLOWDANCE.
YEAH.
DEFINITELY SLOW.
THANKS.
YOU KNOW, I'LL BE THERE THE NEXT TIME.
OH, GOD, I HOPE THERE'S NOT A NEXT TIME.
[STYX'COME SAIL AWAY PLAYS.]
[STYX'COME SAIL AWAY PLAYS.]
dd I'M dd dd SAILING AWAY dd dd SAILING AWAY dd dd SET AN OPEN COURSE dd dd FOR THE VIRGIN SEA dd LOOK, UH, I KNOW YOU'RE NOT HAPPY ABOUT THIS, BUT DON'T MAKE ME THE BAD GUY HERE.
dd GOT TO BE FREE dd IF THE WORST THING IN YOUR LIFE IS SOMEBODY MAKES YOU GO TO A DANCE, THEN I'D SAY YOU HAVE A PRETTY GOOD LIFE.
dd THAT'S AHEAD OF ME dd dd THAT'S AHEAD OF ME dd d dd ON BOARD, I'M A CAPTAIN d dd SO CLIMB ABOARD dd dd WE'LL SEARCH FOR TOMORROW dd dd ON EVERY SHORE dd dd AND I'LL TRY dd dd OH, LORD, I'LL TRY dd dd OH, LORD, I'LL TRY dd dd TO CARRY ON dd dd TO CARRY ON dd dd I LOOK TO THE SEA dd HI, CINDY.
HEY, SAM.
I WAS WONDERING, UM YOU SAID YOU'D SAVE A DANCE FOR ME, SO CAN I HAVE IT NOW? dd SOME HAPPY, SOME SAD dd I MEAN, IF YOU'RE NOT BUSY? I'M NOT BUSY.
dd OF CHILDHOOD FRIENDS dd dd AND THE DREAMS WE HAD dd dd AND THE DREAMS WE HAD dd dd dd WE LIVED HAPPILY FOREVER dd SO THE STORY GOES dd dd BUT SOMEHOW WE MISSED OUT dd dd ON THE POT OF GOLD dd dd BUT WE'LL TRY dd dd BEST THAT WE CAN dd dd TO CARRY ON dd [TEMPO OF SONG PICKS UP.]
[TEMPO OF SONG PICKS UP.]
COME ON, SAM.
COME ON, SAM.
dd A GATHERING OF ANGELS dd dd APPEARED ABOVE MY HEAD dd dd THEY SANG TO ME THIS SONG OF HOPE dd dd AND THIS IS WHAT THEY SAID dd dd THEY SAID dd dd COME SAIL AWAY dd dd COME SAIL AWAY dd dd COME SAIL AWAY WITH ME, LADS dd dd COME SAIL AWAY dd dd COME SAIL AWAY dd dd COME SAIL AWAY WITH ME dd dd COME SAIL AWAY dd dd COME SAIL AWAY dd WHAT ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT, LINDSAY? I THINK I'M GONNA DANCE WITH ELI.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK, JEFF.
UH, LINDS? MAYBE YOU SHOULD STAR CALLING ME MR.
ROSSO AGAIN.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD STAR CALLING ME MR.
ROSSO AGAIN.
dd I THOUGHT THA THEY WERE ANGELS dd dd BUT TO MY SURPRISE dd Y CLIMBED ABOARD THEIR STARSHIP ddRISE dd THE d dd WE HEADED FOR THE SKIES d dd COME SAIL AWAY dd dd COME SAIL AWAY dd NOW, THAT'S THE PERFECT COUPLE.
I MEAN, THEY GO SOME CHEMISTRY--OW! SHUT UP! WHAT DID I DO? dd SAIL AWAY WITH ME dd dd COME SAIL AWAY dd dd COME SAIL AWAY dd dd COME SAIL AWAY WITH ME dd dd COME SAIL AWAY dd dd COME SAIL AWAY dd dd COME SAIL AWAY WITH ME dd dd COME SAIL AWAY dd dd COME SAIL AWAY dd dd COME SAIL AWAY WITH ME dd dd COME SAIL AWAY dd dd COME SAIL AWAY dd dd COME SAIL AWAY WITH ME dd dd COME SAIL AWAY dd dd COME SAIL AWAY dd dd COME SAIL AWAY WITH ME dd dd COME SAIL AWAY WITH ME dd CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY DREAMWORKS TELEVISION, L.
L.
C.
CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL PROHIBITED WITHOUT PERMISSION OF DREAMWORKS L.
L.
C.
AND NCI
LET'S SEE SOME HUSTLE.
UH, EXCUSE ME.
IS OUR LITTLE PRACTICE BOTHERING YOU? GET ON THE FIELD! [WHISTLE BLOWS.]
ALL RIGHT, LET'S WORK! LET'S SCRIMMAGE.
COME ON! YOU SEEM SO DISTAN THESE DAYS, BRETT.
IS THERE SOMETHING I DID? 'CAUSE IF THERE IS, I WANT YOU TO TELL ME.
ASHLEY, IT'S JUST-- I'M READY TO WORK THROUGH WHATEVER IT IS THAT WE NEED TO WORK THROUGH.
BUT WE NEED TO COMMUNICATE.
I NEED YOU TO TALK TO ME.
ASHLEY, IT'S JUST THA I LOVE YOU SO MUCH IT SCARES ME.
IT SCARES ME.
IT SCARES ME.
OH, MAN, YOU WANNA HEAR SOMETHING WAY MESSED UP? YOU KNOW THAT MOLLY HATCHETT SHIR I WAS WEARING THE OTHER DAY? YOU KNOW, THE ONE WITH THE EXECUTIONER GUY HOLDING THAT BLOODY AX, AND UNDER HIS FOOT'S THE SEVERED HEAD.
YEAH.
YEAH.
THAT'S MY SHIRT.
YEAH, SO MY MOM, SHE MAKES US GO TO CHURCH EVERY WEEK, AND WE GOTTA DRESS UP.
AND SO I GET THERE, AND THE STUPID PRIES SAYS I CAN'T COME IN.
YOU CAN'T WEAR STUFF LIKE THA AT CHURCH, MAN.
WHY NOT, MAN? IT'S CHURCH.
THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO FORGIVE PEOPLE THERE.
SO YOU HATE MY SHIRT.
FORGIVE ME-- LET ME COME IN.
HEY, I BELIEVE IN GOD, MAN.
I'VE SEEN HIM.
I'VE FELT HIS POWER.
HE PLAYS DRUMS FOR LED ZEPPELIN, AND HIS NAME IS JOHN BONHAM, BABY! OH, YEAH! OH, YEAH! [KENNY LOGGINS' I'M ALRIGHTPLAYS.]
NAH, NAH, NAH.
HERE WE GO, HERE WE GO.
[IMITATING BILL MURRAY.]
HEY, LISA! HERE'S THOSE NOOGIES YOU ORDERED.
IT'S A REAL CINDERELLA STORY.
EH, FORMER GREENS KEEPER.
OH! HE GOT ALL OF THAT ONE! IT'S IN THE HOLE! IT'S IN THE HOLE! Older kid: SAM WEIR.
Older kid: SAM WEIR.
YOU REALLY LIKE BILL MURRAY, DON'T YOU? YEAH.
HE'S GREAT.
BILL MURRAY SUCKS, MAN.
NO, HE DOESN'T.
HE'S COOL.
OH, REALLY? WHAT IS HE, YOUR BOYFRIEND? SAM QUEER.
IT'S FIGHTIN' TIME, WEIRD.
LEAVE ME ALONE, ALAN.
I'M SORRY.
I DON'T SPEAK GEEK.
I ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW WHAT IT'D BE LIKE TO FIGHT A GIRL.
Girl: I'M A GIRL.
WANNA SEE WHA IT'D BE LIKE TO FIGHT ME? UH.
WEIR'S SISTER HAS TO PROTECT HIM? I'M NOT PROTECTING HIM.
JUST TRYING TO FIGURE OU WHY IT IS YOU NEED TO PICK FIGHTS WITH GUYS WHO WEIGH LESS THAN A HUNDRED POUNDS.
WATCH OUT, ALAN.
I THINK SHE'S HIGH ON POT.
YEAH.
I MIGHT JUS GO PSYCHO ON YOU.
YOU WANNA TRY ME? YOU WANNA TRY ME? YOU'RE DEAD, ALL RIGHT? AS SOON AS YOUR FREAK SISTER ISN'T AROUND, I'M GONNA CREAM YOU, MAN.
I'M GONNA CREAM YOU, MAN.
YOU KNOW, YOU REALLY DIDN'T NEED TO DO THAT.
I COULD'VE HANDLED IT.
YEAH, I KNOW.
AND BY THE WAY, I WEIGH 103 POUNDS.
I WEIGH 103 POUNDS.
SORRY.
SORRY.
MAN, I HATE HIGH SCHOOL.
MAN, I HATE HIGH SCHOOL.
dd I DON'T GIVE A DAMN 'BOUT MY REPUTATION dd dd I DON'T GIVE A DAMN 'BOUT MY REPUTATION dd dd LIVIN' IN THE PAST, IT'S A NEW GENERATION dd dd LIVIN' IN THE PAST, IT'S A NEW GENERATION dd dd GO AND DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO dd dd AND THAT'S WHA I'M GONNA DO dd dd AND I DON'T GIVE A DAMN 'BOUT MY BAD REPUTATION dd dd AND I DON'T GIVE A DAMN 'BOUT MY BAD REPUTATION dd dd OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO dd dd NOT ME dd dd WHAH! NO! dd dd NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO dd dd NOT ME dd dd ME, ME, ME, ME dd dd I DON'T GIVE A DAMN 'BOUT MY REPUTATION dd dd I DON'T GIVE A DAMN 'BOUT MY REPUTATION dd dd I'VE NEVER BEEN AFRAID OF ANY DEVIATION dd dd I'VE NEVER BEEN AFRAID OF ANY DEVIATION dd dd AND I DON'T REALLY CARE IF YOU THINK I'M STRANGE dd dd I AIN'T GONNA CHANGE dd dd AND I'VE NEVER GONNA CARE 'BOUT MY BAD REPUTATION dd dd AND I'VE NEVER GONNA CARE 'BOUT MY BAD REPUTATION dd dd NOT ME! dd dd NOT ME! dd CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY DREAMWORKS TELEVISION, L.
L.
C.
YOU KNOW, I RAN INTO MRS.
PATTON TODAY AT FARMER JACK, AND SHE SAID SHE SAW YOU SMOKING.
WELL, SHE'S CRAZY.
MOMI CAN'T BELIEVE YOU.
DO YOU SERIOUSLY THINK I WOULD START SMOKING? OK.
IHEH.
Harold Weir: YOU KNOW, I HAD A FRIEND THAT USED TO SMOKE.
YOU KNOW WHA HE'S DOING NOW? HE'S DEAD.
YOU THINK SMOKING MAKES YOU LOOK COOL? LET'S GO DIG HIM UP NOW AND SEE HOW COOL HE LOOKS.
DADDY, IF I STARTED SMOKING, I WOULD TELL YOU.
OH, GOOD.
NOW I DON' HAVE TO WORRY.
HEY, DAD, GUESS WHAT.
THEY'RE SHOWINGMONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL AT PARKWAY SATURDAY NIGHT.
NEAL, BILL, AND I ARE GONNA WATCH IT TWICE IN A ROW.
GREAT.
SAM, ISN'T THE HOMECOMING DANCE SATURDAY NIGHT? YEAH.
ARE YOU GOING? NO.
WHY WOULD I DO THAT? WELL, YOUR SISTER'S GOING.
NO, I'M NOT.
ALL RIGHT, KIDS, HIGH SCHOOL IS FOR LEARNING, BUT IT'S ALSO WHERE YOU SHOULD BE LEARNING HOW TO SOCIALIZE.
THAT'S WHAT HIGH SCHOOL DANCES ARE ALL ABOUT.
NO, THEY'RE NOT.
THEY'RE JUST A CHANCE FOR THE POPULAR KIDS TO EXPERIMENT WITH SEX IN THEIR CARS.
LINDSAY! HEY! IF THAT'S WHA YOU WANT ME TO DO, THEN I'D BE HAPPY TO GO.
YOU KNOW, THERE WAS A GIRL IN OUR SCHOOL SHE HAD PREMARITAL SEX.
YOU KNOW WHAT SHE DID ON GRADUATION DAY? DIED OF AN OVERDOSE-- HEROIN.
DAD, ARE ANY OF YOUR FRIENDS ALIVE? THE SMART ONES.
Jean Weir: I'M SURE THERE ARE PLENTY OF KIDS WHO ARE JUST DYING FOR SOMEONE TO ASK THEM.
MOM, THAT'S THE STUPIDES THING I'VE EVER HEARD.
HONEY, IT'S STUPID UNTIL YOU CONSIDER HOW HAPPY IT'LL MAKE SOMEBODY WHO REALLY WANTS TO GO.
NOBODY I KNOW WANTS TO GO.
LINDSAY, HONEY.
DAD! GREAT.
THAT WORKS OUT PERFECT.
I'M HAVING A MIDNIGHT MADNESS DEER HUNTING SALE THAT NIGHT, AND YOU CAN COME WAIT ON ALL THOSE NICE HUNTERS.
THE CHOICE IS YOURS.
THE CHOICE IS YOURS.
THANKS, CARLA.
THANKS, CARLA.
HEY, ELI.
I THINK TOM NEEDS A HUG.
MY BUDDY.
MY BUDDY.
MY BUDDY.
OK.
OK.
OK.
OK.
YOU'RE SUCH A JERK, MAN.
WHAT? ELI LIKES YOU.
CONGRATULATIONS.
[LAUGHTER.]
[LAUGHTER.]
HEY, MR.
K.
MR.
SCHWEEBER.
IT'SSCHWEIBER.
IT'SSCHWEIBER.
[IMITATING WILLIAM SHATNER.]
AH, MR.
BONES, MR.
SPOCK.
MAY I JOIN YOU HERE IN THEENTERPRISEMESS HALL? I'M SO HUNGRY I COULD EAT A TRIBBLE.
I--I DON'T GET IT.
WHO'S THAT? JOHN WAYNE.
OH.
OK.
WHY DOES MY MOM ALWAYS PUT A NOTE IN MY LUNCH? IT'S SO EMBARRASSING.
AT LEAST YOUR MOM DOESN' WRITE THE NOTE ON THE BAG.
AT LEAST YOUR MOM DOESN' WRITE THE NOTE ON THE BAG.
ARE YOU GUYS GOING TO THE HOMECOMING DANCE? NO.
I REALLY DON' SEE THAT HAPPENING.
OH, I'M SORRY.
DID I CRUSH YOUR TWINKIES? WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR? WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO, GO CRYING TO YOUR SISTER, SAM REAR? NO.
NO, I'M NOT.
MR.
KOWCHEVSKI.
ALAN SMASHED MY TWINKIES.
OH, MY GOD.
YOU'RE SUCH A WOMAN.
OH, MY GOD.
YOU'RE SUCH A WOMAN.
ALAN, YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO THAN TO CRUSH MR.
WEIR'S DESSERT? OH, WELL, YOU KNOW, I WAS JUST BENDING DOWN TO TALK TO HIM, AND I ACCIDENTALLY LEANED ON IT.
I'M SORRY.
WHY DON'T YOU GO DO THE NICE THING AND BUY HIM SOME NEW ONES? OH, YES, SIR.
THANK YOU, MR.
KOWCHEVSKI.
SAM, YOU WAN SOME ADVICE? BE A MAN.
BE A MAN.
YOU SHOULDN'T LET ALAN DO THAT TO YOU.
I DON'T SEE YOU DOING ANYTHING! MY DAD TELLS ME TO STAY OUT OF FIGHTS THAT DON'T AFFECT ME DIRECTLY.
IT'D SURE BE NICE IF YOU GUYS BACKED ME UP ONCE IN A WHILE.
MY SISTER DOES, AND SHE'S A GIRL.
YEAH, BUT IF WE BACK YOU UP, THAN ALAN'S GONNA TERRORIZE US, TOO.
LISTEN, YOU GUYS HAVE GOTTA HELP ME, OR ELSE HE'S NEVER GONNA LEAVE ME ALONE.
OR ELSE HE'S NEVER GONNA LEAVE ME ALONE.
AH! HEY, DANIEL.
HEY, LINDSAY.
WHAT'S UP? WHERE YOU BEEN? I BEEN JUST AROUND.
I BEEN JUST AROUND.
COME ON, LET'S HIT THE PATIO.
COME ON, LET'S HIT THE PATIO.
OH, THE SMOKING PATIO.
MM-HMM.
OK.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
THEY DON'T BITE.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
THEY DON'T BITE.
OK.
OK.
OW! DON'T TOUCH ME, YOU SCUZZ.
I'M SORRY.
YOUR BUT WAS CALLING TO ME.
YOUR BUT WAS CALLING TO ME.
HEY, NICHOLAS, YOU GET THOSE M-80s? I DON'T KNOW, MAN.
YOU GOT THE MONEY? I DON'T KNOW, MAN.
YOU GOT THE MONEY? YOU GUYS KNOW LINDSAY? HI.
YOU WERE IN LAST YEAR, RIGHT? YOU'RE THAT CHICK WHO GOT AN "A.
" YEAH, WELL WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? I DON'T KNOW.
WHATAREYOU GONNA DO? WHATAREYOU GONNA DO? SO, YOU GUYS GOING TO THE HOMECOMING DANCE? I BEG YOUR PARDON? THAT'S FUNNY.
, RIGHT? THAT'S FUNNY.
IT'S A JOKE MY DAD'S KINDA MAKING ME GO.
YOUR DAD'S MAKING YOU GO TO THE DANCE? MAN, WHAT'S THA ALL ABOUT? WHO'S YOUR DAD-- HITLER? WHO'S YOUR DAD-- HITLER? I JUST THOUGHT MAYBE YOU GUYS WERE GONNA GO TO MAKE FUN OF PEOPLE.
THAT COULD BE KINDA FUNNY, RIGHT? I WOULD GO, BUT I HAVE A PRIOR ENGAGEMENT.
MY COUSIN JUST SENT ME A BUNCH OF MUSHROOMS, AND I'M GONNA EAT THEM.
LOOK, YOU KNOW THEY'RE GONNA PLAY DISCO.
RIGHT? DISCO SUCKS.
I HATE DISCO.
dd OOH OOH dd dd COO-COO COO COO-COO dd I'D RATHER MAKE OUT WITH PRINCIPAL FARBER.
OOH, AGAIN.
SHUT UP, MAN.
SHUT UP, MAN.
OW.
OW.
WHAT, WHAT? OH! MY GOD, MAN.
OH! I CAN'T WAIT TILL YOU'RE NOT PAYING ATTENTION.
GET OUTTA HERE! CHECK IT OUT.
WHAT'S SHE WANT? CHECK IT OUT.
WHAT'S SHE WANT? LINDSAY? LINDS.
FRIEND OF YOURS LINDS? I'LL BE RIGHT BACK, OK? OK.
OK.
OK.
MILLIE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT HERE? WHAT AREYOU DOING OU HERE? THIS PLACE IS FOR FREAKS.
MILLIE, GO AWAY.
TODAY'S THE DEADLINE TO ENTER THE ACADEMIC DECATHLON.
MR.
ROSSO SAID YOU DIDN'T TURN IN YOUR APPLICATION.
WHAT? MILLIE, I'M NOT ENTERING.
BUT YOU'RE OUR BEST MATH-LETE.
BUT YOU'RE OUR BEST MATH-LETE.
COULD WE NOT TALK ABOUT THIS RIGHT NOW? LINDSAY, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH ME.
I JUST DON'T WANT TO DO DECATHLON THIS YEAR.
WELL, AREN'T YOU AT LEAST GOING TO HELP US SELL REFRESHMENTS AT THE HOMECOMING DANCE? WE'RE TRYING TO RAISE MONEY TO BUY THE SCHOOL A COMPUTER.
TO BUY THE SCHOOL A COMPUTER.
SHH! SHH! GENTLEMEN, HERE'S MY ADVICE.
LISTEN TO NEAL.
YOU SHOULD HANDLE ALAN THE SAME WAY HAN SOLO DEALT WITH JABBA THE HUT.
AVOID HIM.
JUST AVOID HIM FOREVER? JUST FOR 4 YEARS.
JUST FOR 4 YEARS.
SAM.
THERE'S CINDY SANDERS.
SAM.
THERE'S CINDY SANDERS.
DREAM ON, SAM.
OH, MAN.
UH-OH, INCOMING.
UH-OH, INCOMING.
HEY, SAM, I'VE BEEN LOOKING ALL OVER FOR YOU.
IS THIS YOUR JACKET? IS THIS YOUR JACKET? YEAH.
YOU LEFT IT IN SCIENCE.
I DIDN'T WANT I TO GET ALL DIRTY.
YOU LEFT IT IN SCIENCE.
I DIDN'T WANT I TO GET ALL DIRTY.
OH, THANKS, CINDY.
THAT WAS REALLY NICE OF YOU.
YEAH, WELL, I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
YEAH, WELL, I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
SAM.
YOU ARE SO IN.
WHAT? SHE BROUGHT YOU YOUR JACKET.
THAT MEANS SHE SAW IT, SHE REMEMBERED IT WAS YOURS, SHE PICKED IT UP AND CARRIED I THROUGH THE HALLS.
PEOPLE PROBABLY SAW HER WITH IT AND EVERYTHING.
I WONDER IF SHE HAS A DATE FOR THE DANCE.
CINDY SANDERS IS IN LOVE WITH YOU, MAN.
CINDY SANDERS IS IN LOVE WITH YOU, MAN.
YOU REALLY THINK CINDY LIKES ME? HELLO? THE JACKET.
NO WAY.
WE'RE NO HER SPECIES.
LISTEN, JUS DO ME A FAVOR.
ASK AROUND.
SEE IF SHE HAS A DATE FOR THE DANCE.
WHO SHOULD I ASK? OK.
THE DANCE IS TOMORROW.
SHE'S A CHEERLEADER.
YOU'VE SEENSTAR WARS 27 TIMES.
DO THE MATH.
I KNOW, BU MY DAD ALWAYS TELLS ME THAT THE PRETTIEST GIRLS USUALLY DON'T GET ASKED OU 'CAUSE GUYS ARE TOO AFRAID TO ASK THEM.
REALLY? MAYBE I SHOULD ASK OU FARRAH FAWCETT- MAJORS.
HEY, MAYBE I SHOULD ASK OUT BILL'S MOM.
YOU BETTER NOT.
LISTEN, JUS ASK AROUND, OK? DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT.
DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT.
GET OUTTA THE WAY.
HEY.
CHEMISTRY EXAM YOU ORDERED.
ALL RIGHT.
GOOD JOB.
ALL RIGHT.
GOOD JOB.
WHERE ARE THE ANSWERS? YOU JUST SAID TO STEAL THE TEST.
OH, GOOD WORK, GENIUS.
WAY TO USE YOUR BRAIN.
WHAT? I'M CUTTING.
WHO'S GOT GUM? Nick: SORRY.
Nick: SORRY.
OH, YEAH, THAT'S REAL GREAT.
WHY DON'T YOU BLOW YOUR NOSE IN SOME BREAD AND MAKE ME A SANDWICH, TOO? WHY IS EVERYONE CRAWLING UP MY BUTT TODAY? 'CAUSE YOU'RE A MORON.
HEY, KIM, I GOT SOME.
HEY, KIM, I GOT SOME.
WHAT'S SHE DOING HERE? UH, SHE'S OUR FRIEND.
WHAT, ARE YOU DOING HER SO THAT SHE'LL HELP YOU WITH YOUR MATH HOMEWORK? HEY, LAY OFF.
UM, KIM, I-- I WASN'T TALKING TO YOU, BRAIN.
DON'T YOU HAVE A TEST TO TAKE OR SOMETHING? HEY, WOULD YOU BE COOL? I MEAN, PLEASE.
DID I DO SOMETHING TO YOU? YOU'RE HERE.
KIM.
I HAVE AS MUCH RIGH TO BE HERE AS YOU DO.
I HAVE AS MUCH RIGH TO BE HERE AS YOU DO.
HEY, BRAIN, I SHOPLIF IN YOUR DADDY'S STORE.
YOU'RE JUS SOME RICH KID WHO'S TRYING TO PISS OFF HER PARENTS.
YOU THINK YOU CAN HANG WITH THESE GUYS? YOU THINK THAT'S GONNA MAKE YOU COOL? YOU THINK THAT'S GONNA MAKE YOU COOL? I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO TELL YOU.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO TELL YOU.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M SORRY.
LET'S BE FRIENDS.
LET'S BE FRIENDS.
HEY.
THERE.
NOW WE'RE FRIENDS.
SEE YOU AT THE MALL.
WHAT ARE YOU, ON YOUR PERIOD? HEY, YOU WANNA HANG AROUND WITH YOUR LITTLE POSER FRIEND HERE AND PRETEND WITH HER, THAT'S YOUR WASTE OF TIME, JUST KEEP HER THE HELL AWAY FROM ME.
JUST KEEP HER THE HELL AWAY FROM ME.
THAT IS EXACTLY WHY I DON'T CARRY A PURSE.
[CLASS BELL RINGS.]
I GOTTA GE TO SHOP CLASS.
IT'S THE ONLY ONE I CAN PASS.
HERE.
I'M SORRY.
HERE.
I'M SORRY.
DON'T YOU HAVE TO GET TO CLASS, TOO? OH.
I'LL SURVIVE.
OH.
I'LL SURVIVE.
THESE SHORTS AREN' VERY FLATTERING, ARE THEY? NO, YOU LOOK GOOD.
THANKS.
THANKS.
HEY, HOW COME YOUR SISTER'S DRESSING SO WEIRD NOW? WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I DON'T KNOW.
I MEAN, SHE'S BEEN WEARING YOUR DAD'S ARMY JACKET.
I DON'T KNOW.
SHE'S BEEN ACTING WEIRD EVER SINCE OUR GRANDMA DIED.
[SLAM.]
YOU'RE DEAD, WEIRD! YOU'RE DEAD, WEIRD! ALAN? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT'S THE POIN OF ALL THIS? THE POINT? THE POINT? THE POINT IS, YOU'RE DEAD, TOO "LITTLE MAN.
" "LITTLE MAN.
" I KIND OF WISH I DIDN' COME TO SCHOOL TODAY.
I KIND OF WISH I DIDN' COME TO SCHOOL TODAY.
HI.
WOULD YOU, UH, WOULD YOU COME TO THE HOMECOMING DANCE WITH ME? WOULD YOU COME TO THE HOMECOMING DANCE WITH ME? UM, I WOULD, BUT, UM, I ALREADY HAVE A DATE, SO I CAN'T.
SORRY.
WILL YOU GO TO HOMECOMING DANCE WITH ME? [LAUGHING.]
ELI.
WHAT? THERE'S A BEE ON YOUR BOOK.
WHERE? OH, I'LL GET IT.
[BOOK DROPS.]
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU? YOU JERK.
I'M SORRY.
DIDN'T MEAN TO UPSET YOUR HUSBAND.
[LAUGHING.]
OH, YEAH? WHAT IF HE WAS MY HUSBAND? THAT'D BE SOME KIND OF JOKE TO YOU? IT'S NO JOKE TO ME.
I THINK YOU TWO MAKE A GOOD COUPLE.
YEAH? MAYBE WE DO.
HEY, ELI.
DO YOU WANT TO GO TO THE HOMECOMING DANCE WITH ME? YES.
YES, I DO.
YEAH, PLEASE.
YEAH.
I WILL GO.
GOOD.
GOOD.
COME ON, ELI.
COME ON, ELI.
[CLAP CLAP.]
ALL RIGHT, FELLAS, I JUST WANNA LET YOU KNOW THAT IN HONOR OF THE BIG HOMECOMING GAME TOMORROW, I'M GONNA GIVE YOU GUYS THE DAY OFF.
I'M GONNA GIVE YOU GUYS THE DAY OFF.
CAN WE GO HOME? SCHWEIBER, DON'T BE AN IDIOT, ALL RIGHT? I MEAN, WE'RE GONNA DO SOMETHING FUN.
I'M GONNA LET YOU GUYS PLAY DODGE BALL.
YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! [SIGH.]
OH, MAN.
OH, NO.
OH, NO.
OH, MY GOD! Coach: ALL RIGHT.
COME ON, GUYS, LET'S GO.
COME ON, GUYS, LET'S GO.
WOULD SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME WHAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE FUN ABOUT THIS? IF WE JUST LE OURSELVES GET HIT, THEN WE CAN GET OUT.
LET'S JUST PRETEND TO GET HIT.
NOBODY'D KNOW.
I DON'T THINK WE CAN.
LADIES, PUT DOWN THE MASCARA, GET IN THERE, AND PLAY.
COME ON.
GET IN THERE, AND PLAY.
COME ON.
VERY NICE.
I CAN'T TAKE IT, MAN.
I GOTTA GE OUT OF HERE.
LOOK! "LITTLE MAN'S" MAKING A RUN FOR IT.
HEY, ONLY MY MOM'S ALLOWED TO CALL ME THAT.
HEY, ONLY MY MOM'S ALLOWED TO CALL ME THAT.
UH! OHH! OHH! OW.
OH! OK.
NOW IT'S TIME TO SMEAR WEIR.
SAM! GET AWAY FROM ME! WE NEED TO STICK TOGETHER.
ARE YOU CRAZY? HEY, KID! OHH! Fat kid: YEAH! OH, MY GOD! UHH! [WHISTLE BLOWS.]
YEAH! SOLOMON.
HEY, HEY.
HEY, THAT'S ILLEGAL.
YOU'RE OUT OF THERE.
ALL RIGHT, SCHWEIBER, COME ON, WALK IT OFF.
ALL RIGHT, SCHWEIBER, COME ON, WALK IT OFF.
SIT DOWN, YOU KNUCKLEHEAD.
SIT DOWN, YOU KNUCKLEHEAD.
THERE'S NOWHERE TO HIDE, WEIRD.
KID, GET AWAY FROM US.
THAT PSYCHO'S AFTER YOU.
THAT PSYCHO'S AFTER YOU.
Coach: PICK 'EM UP AND THROW 'EM.
Coach: PICK 'EM UP AND THROW 'EM.
THAT'S THE WAY.
NICE THROW, WUSS.
HE CAUGHT MY BALL.
I'M OUT.
HA HA! YEAH! OHH! OHH! GO, TIM, GO! GO, TIM, GO! [CHEERING.]
[CHEERING.]
OH, MY GOD! HA HA HA! ALL RIGHT, WHITE, TAKE A SEAT.
COME ON, WEIR, THROW IT BACK.
CATCH IT.
COME ON.
CATCH IT.
COME ON.
DODGE BALL'S KIND OF A STUPID GAME, ISN'T IT? DODGE BALL'S KIND OF A STUPID GAME, ISN'T IT? YOU JUST SIGNED YOUR DEATH WARRANT.
YOU JUST SIGNED YOUR DEATH WARRANT.
MAN, THAT CHICK DIGS YOU, I'M TELLING YOU.
SHE LIKES ME? YES! THAT'S REALLY GREAT.
HEY, SO, ELI.
WHAT? THAT JIMMY CARTER, HE'S SOME PRESIDENT, RIGHT? HE'S BEEN DOING A HELLUVA JOB.
OH, HE'S DOING A HELLUVA JOB.
OH, HE'S DOING A HELLUVA JOB.
HEY, BUT I GOTTA SAY, I'M A LITTLE CONCERNED ABOUT HIS HANDLING OF THE ECONOMY.
I MEAN, AREN'T YOU? I'M A LITTLE CONCERNED.
MAYBE.
MAYBE I'M A LITTLE I'M A LITTLE CONCERNED.
COME ON.
COME ON, ELI.
GIVE HIM A BREAK.
LOOK WHAT HE'S DONE IN THE MIDDLE EAST.
THE MIDDLE EAST.
THE MIDDLE THE MIDDLE OF THE EAST.
I BET YOU'D MAKE A GOOD PRESIDENT, ELI.
PRESIDENT ELI? YEAH.
OK.
PRESIDENT ELI! PRESIDENT ELI! HEY, YOU GUYS, CUT IT OUT.
LEAVE HIM ALONE.
WHAT? WE'VE HAVING A POLITICAL DISCUSSION HERE.
POLITICAL.
ELI, YOU DON'T HAVE TO TALK TO THEM.
THEY'RE JUS BEING MEAN.
NO.
THEY'RE MY BUDDIES.
THEY'RE MY BUDDIES.
WE'RE HIS BUDDIES.
AIN'T THAT RIGHT, MR.
PRESIDENT? NO, THEY'RE NOT, ELI.
I'M MAKING THEM LAUGH.
BUDDIES.
I'M MAKING NOT THIS WAY.
THERE'S A GOOD KIND OF LAUGHING AND A BAD KIND OF LAUGHING.
THIS IS BAD.
ELI, THEY'RE ONLY LAUGHING AT YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE RETARDED.
I'M NOT RETARDED.
I'M SPECIAL.
I'M NOT RETARDED.
I'M SPECIAL.
I'M SPECIAL.
ELI, YOU ARE SPECIAL.
I'M SORRY.
I KNOW YOU'RE SPECIAL.
THEY'RE BEING MEAN TO YOU.
I'M NOT RETARDED.
OK.
YOU'RE RETARDED! I'M SORRY.
NO! NO! I'M NOT RETARDED! I AM SPECIAL! I DON'T WANNA GO TO DANCE WITH YOU! I'M SORRY.
I'M SORRY.
[SCREAMING IN PAIN.]
OH, MY GOD.
OH, MY GOD.
AND I'M THE MEAN ONE? HOW DOES THAT WORK? AND I'M THE MEAN ONE? HOW DOES THAT WORK? SOWHAT'S GOING ON HERE? ALL I-- I WAS TRYING TO DO SOMETHING NICE IN A STUPID SCHOOL WHERE NOTHING NICE EVER HAPPENS, BUT INSTEAD ELI BROKE HIS ARM AND NOW I FEEL LIKE THE BIGGEST IDIO IN THE WORLD.
NO.
WHY AREN'T YOU TAKING PAR IN THE ACADEMIC DECATHLON? WHAT? WE NEED YOU.
YOU'RE OUR BEST MATH-LETE.
OH, GOD, PLEASE DON'T SAY THAT WORD.
OH, GOD, PLEASE DON'T SAY THAT WORD.
YOU HAVIN' SOME PROBLEMS AT HOME? NO, I'M NOT.
IS IT A BOY? NO.
HEY, YOU CAN TELL ME.
I KNOW IT SEEMS SQUARE TO ACTUALLY TALK TO YOUR GUIDANCE COUNSELOR, BUT I WAS A KID ONCE, TOO, AND NOT THAT LONG AGO.
MR.
ROSSO, THERE'S NOTHING TO TELL.
TRUST ME.
OK.
OK.
I SEE THE PROBLEM HERE.
LET'S JUST RAP AS PEOPLE, OK? NO PRESSURE.
FROM NOW ON, I'M NOT "MR.
ROSSO, GUIDANCE COUNSELOR.
" YOU'RE NOT? NO.
I'M JUST JEFF, YOUR FRIEND WHO CARES.
JEFF.
EXACTLY.
AND YOU'RE NOT "MS.
WEIR, HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT.
" YOU'RE LINDSAY, A GIRL WHO SEEMS LIKE SHE NEEDS A FRIEND.
SO, COME ON, LINDS.
TALK TO YOUR BUDDY JEFF.
JEFF I'VE NEVER FELT BETTER IN ALL MY LIFE.
WELL, THEN MAYBE SOMEONE SHOULD TELL YOUR FACE.
[SIGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
AHH, YES, INTERESTING PROBLEM.
FRESHMAN BULLIES.
HE'S OBVIOUSLY ACTING OUT HIS INSECURITIES IN A NEW ENVIRONMENT.
IF YOU CAN DISCONNECT EMOTIONALLY, IT'S REALLY QUITE SAD.
IN HIS OWN WAY, HE'S REACHING OUT FOR A FRIEND.
NOT THAT YOU SHOULD FEEL SORRY FOR HIM, THOUGH.
HIS KIND SHOULD BE DESTROYED.
SO WHAT DO WE DO? I WOULD RECOMMEND THE CRESSMAN CONUNDRUM.
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? TOM CRESSMAN-- MY FRESHMAN TORMENTOR.
THE IDEA WAS, IF YOU FIGHT YOUR BULLY, AFTERWARDS, WHETHER YOU WIN OR LOSE, THEY'LL TEND TO LEAVE YOU ALONE.
DID IT WORK? HE BROKE MY TAILBONE, BU THE RESULTS WERE EFFECTIVE.
HE GOT EXPELLED.
IT'S A GOOD PLAN.
IT'S A TERRIBLE PLAN, OK? I'M NOT FIGHTING ALAN.
HE'S NOTMYTORMENTOR.
I KNOW EVERY ROUTE HE TAKES TO EACH CLASS, AND I AVOID THOSE HALLS.
IT'S THAT SIMPLE.
START LEAVING OUT THE JANITOR'S DOOR LIKE I DO.
ARE YOU LOOKIN' FOR A FIGHT, DORK?! NO, SIR.
WELL, YOU'RE GONNA GET ONE! UNH UNH TELL ME ABOUT THIS STUPID CRESSMAN CONUNDRUM.
dd WHAT YOU GONNA DO WHEN THE TIME COMES dd dd AND YOU HAVE TO EARN YOUR WAY? dd dd WHAT WILL YOU dd HEY, ARE YOU, UH ARE YOU, UH, ARE YOU OK? IS IT JUST ME OR DOES THE WHOLE WORLD SUCK? dd WHEN YOU'RE FINALLY ON YOUR OWN dd AFTER CLASS, YOU AND ME ARE CUTTIN' OUTTA HERE.
CUTTING? YEAH.
YEAH! I GOT SOMETHING TO SHOW YOU THAT-- IT'S GONNA MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.
IT'S GONNA MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.
Film narrator: MOS OF THE PROFESSIONS ARE OCCU-- I GUESS THE FIRST THING THAT WE GOTTA DO IS GET HIM ON THE GROUND.
HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO THAT? CUT HIS LEGS OFF? SHOULD I WEAR A CUP FOR THIS? THAT'S BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR GOD, BILL.
THAT'S BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR GOD, BILL.
HEY, GEEK.
HEY, GEEK.
YOU GOT A PROBLEM? YOU GOT A PROBLEM? UHNO.
I WAS I WAS JUST LOOKING AT A FRIEND OF MINE.
ARE YOU TELLING ME THATILOOK LIKE A FRIEND OF YOURS? HEY, KIM, I THINK HE LIKES YOU.
HEY, KIM, I THINK HE LIKES YOU.
IS THAT TRUE? DO YOU LIKE ME? DO YOULOVEME? DO YOULOVEME? UHI LIKE YOU LIKE A FRIEND.
I DON'T THINK SO.
I THINK YOULIKE ME LIKE ME.
I THINK YOU WANT TO KISS ME.
DO YOU WANT TO KISS ME? DO YOU WANT TO KISS ME? UH, I DON'T KNOW.
COME ON.
JUST ONE LITTLE KISS.
I'LL BE YOUR GIRLFRIEND.
I'LL BE YOUR GIRLFRIEND.
[SLAM.]
IN YOUR DREAMS, GEEK.
IN YOUR DREAMS, GEEK.
MAYBE WE SHOULD GET HER TO BEAT UP ALAN.
MAYBE WE SHOULD GET HER TO BEAT UP ALAN.
GO.
GO.
GO.
EH HEH WAIT FOR ME, MAN.
WAIT FOR ME, MAN.
BE PREPARED TO HAVE YOUR MIND BLOWN.
BE PREPARED TO HAVE YOUR MIND BLOWN.
CHECK IT OUT, MAN.
THAT'S, UH, 14 MOUNTED TOMS, 8 FLOOR TOMS, 4 SPLASHES, 2 GONGS, 10 COWBELLS, 4 RIDES, 5 SNARES, MAN A ROTO-TOM RACK, AND IT'S ALL MOUNTED ON MY INFAMOUS QUADRUPLE KICK DRUM SYSTEM.
6 MORE PIECES, I'VE GOT A BIGGER KI THAN NEAL PEART FROM RUSH.
YEAH! [CONFUSED.]
THAT'S GREAT, NICK.
LOOK, THESE TEACHERS-- THESE TEACHERS WANT US TO WORK, YA KNOW? AND I SAY, "FINE.
I'LL WORK, BUT YOU'VE GOTTA LET ME DO THE KIND OF WORK THAT I WANNA DO.
" AND FOR ME, LINDSAY, IT'S-- IT'S MY DRUM KIT, MAN.
THIS IS MY PASSION, YA KNOW? THIS IS-- THIS IS THE ESSENCE OF WHO I AM NOW.
BUT BEFORE I HAD THIS, I WAS LOST, TOO.
YOU SEE WHAT I'M SAYIN'? YOU NEED TO FIND YOUR REASON FOR--FOR LIVING.
I MEAN YOU GOTTA FIND YOUR BIG, GIGANTIC DRUM KIT, YA KNOW? YOU GOTTA FIND YOUR BIG, GIGANTIC DRUM KIT, YA KNOW? HEY, MAYBE I'LL BUY A CLARINET.
YEAH.
YEAH.
IF YOU'RE NO GOING TO THE DANCE, I THOUGHT YOU COULD COME OVER TO MY HOUSE.
A BUNCH OF GUYS WHO PLAY A GUITAR ARE GONNA COME OVER.
WE'RE JUST, UH I DON'T KNOW.
WE'RE GONNA TRY PLAYING DARK SIDE OF THE MOON OR SOMETHIN'.
JUST TELL YOUR DAD YOU WENT.
I CAN'T LIE TO MY DAD.
REALLY? REALLY? YEAH.
OK.
WHY DON'T YOU TELL YOUR DAD THAT YOU GOT A DATE? NO.
LISTEN I'LL PUT ON A SUIT, ALL RIGHT? I'LL COME PICK YOU UP, TALK NICE TO YOUR DAD, AND THEN I'LL TAKE YOU TO THE SCHOOL, AND WE CAN WALK UP TO THE DOOR OF THE DANCE, AND THEN WE CAN TAKE OFF.
THAT WAY YOU CAN TELL YOUR DAD YOU WENT.
YOU WOULDN'T BE LYIN'.
YOU'D REALLY DO THAT? YOU'D REALLY DO THAT? ABSOLUTELY.
[CAR HORN HONKS.]
AHEM.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO.]
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO.]
HELLO THERE! HELLO, JEFF.
GUESS WHO'S IN TROUBLE? GUESS WHO'S IN TROUBLE? HERE'S THE DEAL: IF YOU TAKE PART IN THE ACADEMIC DECATHLON, I'LL FORGET THIS EVER HAPPENED.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BE A MATH-LETE? THAT IS SO NOT FAIR.
THE WORLD IS NO BLACK AND WHITE.
IT'S GRAY.
AND I REALLY THINK IT'D BE GOOD FOR YOU.
JEFF I REALLY CAN'T DO THAT.
I REALLY CAN'T DO THAT.
FINE,MS.
WEIR.
THEN MAYBE IT'S TIME FOR SOME TOUGH LOVE.
HOW ABOUT I, UH, CALL YOUR PARENTS, AND I LET THEM KNOW THAT THEIR DAUGHTER'S TURNING INTO A BURNOU WHO SKIPS CLASS? NO.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I CAN'T MAKE YOU BE A MATH-LETE, BUT I CAN MAKE YOU WORK THE REFRESHMENT TABLE AT THE HOMECOMING DANCE.
I'LL SEE YA SATURDAY AT 7:00.
Harold: YOU KNOW WHO USED TO CUT CLASS? JIMI HENDRIX.
YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM? HE DIED, CHOKING ON HIS OWN VOMIT.
DADDY, I SKIPPED LATIN.
OH, WELL, I CAN UNDERSTAND WHY YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO LEARN ABOUT THAT.
IT'S ONLY THE BUILDING BLOCK OF OUR LANGUAGE.
WELL, I'M JUST GLAD YOUR GRANDMOTHER WASN'T ALIVE TO HEAR ABOUT THIS.
YOU CAN'T CUT CORNERS IN LIFE! YOU KNOW WHO CUT CORNERS? KENNEDY.
KENNEDY CUT CORNERS WHEN HE WAS RUNNING THE BAY OF PIGS.
A LOT OF GOOD MEN LOST THEIR LIVES BECAUSE OF IT.
YOU KNOW WHO ELSE CUT CORNERS? JANIS JOPLIN.
DAD! WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? YOU DON' MAKE ANY SENSE! I JUST CUT CLASS, AND, GUESS WHAT? EVERYBODY'S STILL ALIVE.
JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! [DOOR SLAMS.]
[DOOR SLAMS.]
YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING, DON'T YA, SAM? YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING, DON'T YA, SAM? Y-YEAH.
GOOD.
PASS THE ROLLS.
PASS THE ROLLS.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
UMDO YOU WANT ME TO COME-- CAN I COME IN? UMDO YOU WANT ME TO COME-- CAN I COME IN? DO YOU THINK THA ME, NEAL, AND BILL COULD BEAT UP ALAN? DO YOU THINK THA ME, NEAL, AND BILL COULD BEAT UP ALAN? JUST ALAN? YEAH.
ALAN AND HIS BUDDIES? MMMNO TO MAYBE.
YEAH.
THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.
YEAH.
THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.
UM, WHY ARE YOU THROWING YOUR LIFE AWAY? UM, WHY ARE YOU THROWING YOUR LIFE AWAY? DID DAD TELL YOU TO ASK ME THAT? NO.
MILLIE DID.
AHH THAT FIGURES.
FORGET IT.
YOU KNOW, TELL HER TO MIND HER OWN BUSINESS.
YOU KNOW, TELL HER TO MIND HER OWN BUSINESS.
YOU KNOW, JUST BECAUSE SHE ASKED ME TO ASK YOU DOESN'T MEAN I WAS GONNA TELL HER WHAT YOU SAID.
DOESN'T MEAN I WAS GONNA TELL HER WHAT YOU SAID.
SAM? SAM? DID MOM AND DAD EVER TELL YOU THAT I WAS THE ONLY ONE WITH GRANDMA WHEN SHE DIED? THAT I WAS THE ONLY ONE WITH GRANDMA WHEN SHE DIED? NO.
NO.
YEAH.
YEAH.
I WENT DOWN TO THE CAFETERIA TO GET SOME COFFEE AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, GRANDMA LOOKED SO TERRIFIED.
I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
[SIGHS.]
SHE GRABBED MY HAND AND TOLD ME SHE DIDN'T WANT TO GO.
SHE LOOKED SO SCARED, SAM.
SO I SAID, "WELL, YOU KNOW, CAN YOU SEE GOD OR HEAVEN OR A LIGH OR ANYTHING?" WHAT DID SHE SAY? "NO.
THERE'S NOTHING.
" THERE'S NOTHING.
" SHE WAS A GOOD PERSON ALL HER LIFE, AND THAT'S WHAT SHE GOT.
SHE WAS A GOOD PERSON ALL HER LIFE, AND THAT'S WHAT SHE GOT.
SO YOU DO THINK THA WE COULD BEAT UP ALAN? YOU DO THINK THA WE COULD BEAT UP ALAN? YEAH.
YEAH.
HE'S A GONER.
HE'S A GONER.
dd OH, MAMA, I'M IN FEAR FOR MY LIFE dd dd FROM THE LONG ARM OF THE LAW dd dd FROM THE LONG ARM OF THE LAW dd dd LAWMAN HAS PUT AN END TO MY RUNNIN' dd dd AND I'M SO FAR FROM MY HOME dd dd AND I'M SO FAR FROM MY HOME dd dd OH, MAMA, I CAN HEAR YOU A-CRYIN' dd dd YOU'RE SO SCARED dd OH, MAN, WHERE'S SAM? IT'S ALMOST 3:00.
ALAN'S GONNA BE HERE.
I'LL BE HE FORGOT HIS MATH BOOK.
I'M SURE HE'S COMING.
ALL RIGHT.
COLIN! YOU CAME TO HELP US? NO WAY.
I JUS CAME TO WATCH.
IT SHOULD BE EXCITING.
UH, BECAUSE WE'RE GONNA WIN? EITHER WAY.
OH, MAN, WHERE'S SAM? OH, MAN, WHERE'S SAM? SAM.
I CAN'T TALK.
GOTTA FIGHT ALAN.
I CAN'T TALK.
GOTTA FIGHT ALAN.
HI, SAM.
HI, SAM.
OH, HI, CINDY.
WHERE'S SAM? IT'S 3:00.
OH, OK.
SO NOW DON'T LET ALAN HIT ANY OF YOUR PRESSURE POINTS BECAUSE IF HE DOES, YOU'RE NOT GONNA FEEL ANYTHING, BUT YOU'LL DROP DEAD IN 3 DAYS.
BUT YOU'LL DROP DEAD IN 3 DAYS.
OH, MAN, MY STOMACH HURTS.
BILL, YOU'LL BE FINE.
NO, IT REALLY HURTS.
I THINK I SHOULD GO HOME.
THIS IS HOW HOUDINI DIED.
OH, YOU SHOULD ALWAYS GUARD YOUR FACE BECAUSE IF THE OTHER GUY HITS YOU IN THE NOSE, IT COULD DRIVE THE NOSE BONE INTO YOUR BRAIN.
THEN YOU'LL RELEASE YOUR BOWELS AND DIE.
SHUT UP, WOULD YA? NO.
HE'S RIGHT.
THERE ARE A LOT OF WAYS TO DIE IN A FIGHT.
MAYBE WE SHOULD PUT THIS OFF.
HEY, THERE'S SAM.
SAM! SAM! SAM! STOP IT.
STOP IT, YOU MORON.
THAT'S NOT SAM.
IT'S ALAN.
WHAT? SO, UM, WHA ARE YOU DOIN' JUST GOIN' HOME.
HOW ABOUT YOU? I'M CHEERING AT THE GAME.
OH.
WELL YOU'RE DRESSED FOR IT.
HA HA HA! WHAT ARE YOU LOSERS DOIN' ON MY STREET? NOTHING.
WE'RE KIND OF HERE TO BEAT YOU UP.
BILL! WELL, WE ARE.
AREYOU? HE'S JUST-- HE'S KIDDING.
I'M NOT TALKIN' TO YOU, DORK! HEH HEH.
HEH HEH.
WHA ARE YOU LAUGHIN' AT, PINHEAD? OH, I'M JUST HERE TO WATCH.
OH, REALLY? WELL, WATCH THIS.
WELL, WATCH THIS.
AH! AH! YOU ARE SO DEAD.
AH! AH! WELL, UM, I GOTTA GET OUT THERE.
I'LL SEE YA.
ALL RIGHT.
SEE YA.
ALL RIGHT.
SEE YA.
HEY, CINDY? YEAH? YEAH? I WAS WONDERING, UM I WAS WONDERING, UM DO, UH DO, UH YOU WANNA PIECE OF ME? I'LL KILL YOU! BRING IT ON.
BRING IT ON.
UM UM DO YOU WANNA GO TO THE HOMECOMING DANCE WITH ME? WELL, I'M ALREADY GOING WITH DAN LEWIS.
HE ASKED ME 2 WEEKS AGO.
HE ASKED ME 2 WEEKS AGO.
OH, OK.
I MEANYEAH.
I JUS THOUGHT I WOULD ASK JUST IN CASE YOU DIDN'T HAVE ANYONE TO GO WITH.
WELL, UM I GOTTA GET OUT THERE, SO I'LL SEE YA.
OH, IF YOU'RE THERE, I'LL SAVE A DANCE FOR YOU.
OK.
OK.
SEE YA.
SEE YA.
THAT COULD BE GOOD.
THAT COULD BE GOOD.
[SIGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
GET OFF ME, YOU PSYCHOS! UNH! AH! YOU RIPPED MY SHIRT.
YOU'RE GONNA BUY ME A NEW SHIRT! YOU GUYS ARE ALL DEAD, MAN! REALLY DEAD! YOU GUYS ARE ALL DEAD, MAN! REALLY DEAD! I GOT PUNCHED IN THE NOSE, BUT-- BUT I'M STILL ALIVE.
I GUESS THE NOSE BONE MUST HAVE MISSED MY BRAIN.
YEAH.
MY STOMACH DOESN'T HURT ANYMORE.
MINE DOES.
MINE DOES.
DID YOU SEE ME? I WAS TAUNTING HIM.
HE WAS TERRIFIED.
DID YOU SEE ME? I HAD HIS ARMS.
TOTALLY SHUT HIM DOWN.
I HAD HIS SHOES.
I HAD HIS SHOES.
WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU GUYS FOUGHT ALAN? NO.
WE GOT HI BY A CAR.
LISTEN, I'M SO SORRY.
I WAS TALKIN' TO CINDY.
YOU REALLY STOOD UP FOR ME.
YOU SHOULD SEE HOW HE LOOKS.
WE TORE HIS SHIRT.
YEAH.
SO WHAT'D SHE SAY? SHE'S GOT A DATE.
SHE'S SAVING A DANCE FOR ME.
SO YOU'RE GOIN'.
YEAH.
YOU'VE GOTTA SLOWDANCE.
YEAH.
DEFINITELY SLOW.
THANKS.
YOU KNOW, I'LL BE THERE THE NEXT TIME.
OH, GOD, I HOPE THERE'S NOT A NEXT TIME.
[STYX'COME SAIL AWAY PLAYS.]
[STYX'COME SAIL AWAY PLAYS.]
dd I'M dd dd SAILING AWAY dd dd SAILING AWAY dd dd SET AN OPEN COURSE dd dd FOR THE VIRGIN SEA dd LOOK, UH, I KNOW YOU'RE NOT HAPPY ABOUT THIS, BUT DON'T MAKE ME THE BAD GUY HERE.
dd GOT TO BE FREE dd IF THE WORST THING IN YOUR LIFE IS SOMEBODY MAKES YOU GO TO A DANCE, THEN I'D SAY YOU HAVE A PRETTY GOOD LIFE.
dd THAT'S AHEAD OF ME dd dd THAT'S AHEAD OF ME dd d dd ON BOARD, I'M A CAPTAIN d dd SO CLIMB ABOARD dd dd WE'LL SEARCH FOR TOMORROW dd dd ON EVERY SHORE dd dd AND I'LL TRY dd dd OH, LORD, I'LL TRY dd dd OH, LORD, I'LL TRY dd dd TO CARRY ON dd dd TO CARRY ON dd dd I LOOK TO THE SEA dd HI, CINDY.
HEY, SAM.
I WAS WONDERING, UM YOU SAID YOU'D SAVE A DANCE FOR ME, SO CAN I HAVE IT NOW? dd SOME HAPPY, SOME SAD dd I MEAN, IF YOU'RE NOT BUSY? I'M NOT BUSY.
dd OF CHILDHOOD FRIENDS dd dd AND THE DREAMS WE HAD dd dd AND THE DREAMS WE HAD dd dd dd WE LIVED HAPPILY FOREVER dd SO THE STORY GOES dd dd BUT SOMEHOW WE MISSED OUT dd dd ON THE POT OF GOLD dd dd BUT WE'LL TRY dd dd BEST THAT WE CAN dd dd TO CARRY ON dd [TEMPO OF SONG PICKS UP.]
[TEMPO OF SONG PICKS UP.]
COME ON, SAM.
COME ON, SAM.
dd A GATHERING OF ANGELS dd dd APPEARED ABOVE MY HEAD dd dd THEY SANG TO ME THIS SONG OF HOPE dd dd AND THIS IS WHAT THEY SAID dd dd THEY SAID dd dd COME SAIL AWAY dd dd COME SAIL AWAY dd dd COME SAIL AWAY WITH ME, LADS dd dd COME SAIL AWAY dd dd COME SAIL AWAY dd dd COME SAIL AWAY WITH ME dd dd COME SAIL AWAY dd dd COME SAIL AWAY dd WHAT ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT, LINDSAY? I THINK I'M GONNA DANCE WITH ELI.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK, JEFF.
UH, LINDS? MAYBE YOU SHOULD STAR CALLING ME MR.
ROSSO AGAIN.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD STAR CALLING ME MR.
ROSSO AGAIN.
dd I THOUGHT THA THEY WERE ANGELS dd dd BUT TO MY SURPRISE dd Y CLIMBED ABOARD THEIR STARSHIP ddRISE dd THE d dd WE HEADED FOR THE SKIES d dd COME SAIL AWAY dd dd COME SAIL AWAY dd NOW, THAT'S THE PERFECT COUPLE.
I MEAN, THEY GO SOME CHEMISTRY--OW! SHUT UP! WHAT DID I DO? dd SAIL AWAY WITH ME dd dd COME SAIL AWAY dd dd COME SAIL AWAY dd dd COME SAIL AWAY WITH ME dd dd COME SAIL AWAY dd dd COME SAIL AWAY dd dd COME SAIL AWAY WITH ME dd dd COME SAIL AWAY dd dd COME SAIL AWAY dd dd COME SAIL AWAY WITH ME dd dd COME SAIL AWAY dd dd COME SAIL AWAY dd dd COME SAIL AWAY WITH ME dd dd COME SAIL AWAY dd dd COME SAIL AWAY dd dd COME SAIL AWAY WITH ME dd dd COME SAIL AWAY WITH ME dd CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY DREAMWORKS TELEVISION, L.
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