Jane the Virgin (2014) s04e05 Episode Script
Chapter Sixty-Nine
1 LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Welcome back, friends.
When we left our Jane, she'd rekindled things with her first love, Adam.
I am all in, Jane.
So, yeah.
They were pretty smitten.
And speaking of smitten, Jane's father Rogelio had finally married her mother Xiomara.
Only complication, he had a baby with Darci.
And they named her Well, I'll let him explain.
First name, Baby.
JANE: My baby sister, Baby.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Yeah.
And complicating that Oh.
Darci started dating his rival Esteban.
I know.
Straight out of a telenovela, right? Which makes sense, because Rogelio was a huge telenovela star.
Though right now, he was playing someone very tiny, who was swallowed by his love interest, and was currently stuck inside her body.
Just go with it, okay? And speaking of star-crossed lovers, Jane and Rafael were currently estranged.
See, he'd lost all his money, and so he was scheming against his sister Luisa to get his hotel back.
For the last time, I am doing this for my family! And as for Luisa, well, she made a new friend, Carl.
Only problem Dr.
Luisa introduced me to her friend Carl, but there was no one there.
So, yeah, Luisa was definitely struggling.
But Raf didn't know that.
He just wanted his hotel back.
So he got into bed with hotel financier Katherine Cortes.
Literally.
But he had a change of heart about using her.
And well, the consequences came fast and furious.
- [TIRES SCREECH.]
- I know.
OMG, right? So let's dive in.
Ah, friends.
As you well know, our Jane played many roles.
And so, she had many labels.
She was a mother.
She was a lover.
She was a writer, of course.
But before she was any of those things, she was a best friend.
To Lina.
Like my new hat? I stole it from my sisters.
You're gonna get in so much trouble.
- [LAUGHS.]
- NARRATOR: Of course, of the two, Lina was the bold one.
She was adventurous.
Want me to teach you how to put on eye makeup? Yeah.
But no wings.
Then what's even the point? [SIGHS.]
The kind of person who went for it.
[QUIETLY.]
: Kiss him.
Which is why Jane knew her bachelorette party had to be A 1930s murder mystery theme? Really? I know.
I was confused, too.
I had our favorite stripper on hold.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: He's my favorite, too.
But, apparently, this is what Lina and Danny want.
So, I will make it totally perfect.
Because that is my solemn duty as Lina's lifetime BFF.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, don't tell me that Dad can't get the costumes.
No.
Sorry.
I just realized I forgot to take the pill.
Again? Why are you even still on the pill? There are so many other options.
The ring, the shot, the patch, the cap.
Look at you, Planned Parenthood.
- Thank you.
- [LAUGHS.]
Anyway, I've tried a few.
Your dad just wants to pull out, but Oh.
Okay.
All right.
I'm gonna get going.
Please tell Dad thank you for the costumes and the props.
- [PHONE RINGING.]
- Oh.
[SCOFFS.]
- Petra? - Everything's fine.
There's nothing to worry about.
What do you mean? Worry about what? I just said there's nothing to worry about.
Well, that's a really weird way to start a phone call.
- Rafael was in a little car accident.
- What? LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Little? He looks like he was hit by a Mack truck.
Or, say, a late model sedan.
But he's fine.
Truly.
Uh, actually, we're just about to get discharged, - so I'm just letting you know.
- Okay.
Well, tell him - I'm glad he's okay.
- I will.
I'm telling you, it wasn't an accident.
Oh, I'm sure.
I mean, you basically told Katherine you were using her before the deal closed.
What were you thinking? I just couldn't go through with it.
Oh.
You got Villanuevaed.
That's not true.
Or even if it is a little true, I never would've worked with Katherine long-term.
Obviously, because she's completely nuts.
Oh, you don't think so? My sister tried to drown me at sea.
I have a high bar.
NURSE: All right.
You are officially discharged.
Wound care.
Keep an eye on the color.
We don't want to be seeing green pus.
We want to see red blood.
This stuff is terrific.
Terrific! Please tell your dad thanks.
Does he want to come, by the way? Or your mom? We still have some roles to assign.
He'll be shooting, but I'll ask my mom.
Yeah, tell your grandma to come, too.
That's a great idea! We need a dowager.
- Seriously? - Hey! So sorry I'm late, babe.
[LAUGHING.]
: Oh, my God.
Still with the "babe.
" I mean, nice to see you again.
Don't mess things up this time.
I'm trying really hard not to.
[LAUGHS.]
- Congratulations, bride-to-be.
- Thank you.
This is my fiancé, Danny.
- Hey.
- Hey.
You look so familiar.
Yeah, you do, too, actually.
Did you ever live in New York? Yeah.
Fort Greene.
Oh, I had a bunch of friends there.
Uh, do you know Joey Brixton? - Jenny Lawson? - Mm Let me check our mutuals.
[QUIETLY.]
: See? They're destined to be friends.
Wait.
Yeah, you two used to date, right? Yeah.
Ooh.
Oh, sh-she's really pretty.
Not her.
Him.
Oh.
Cool.
He's also very pretty.
So, you're bisexual? If you're into labels.
You date men and women? I had a boyfriend in art school when everyone was experimenting, and another in Fort Greene when everyone wasn't.
Cool.
It's just, we've had so many long talks.
How come you never mentioned this? It just didn't really feel that relevant.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: I mean, more relevant than who'd win in an epic battle between Batman and Wolverine.
Which has been discussed at length.
And I guess I was nervous.
It's become an issue with people I've dated before.
Well, you've nev n dated me before.
Okay, you have.
N-Not recently.
My point is, is [SCOFFS.]
I'm totally okay with it.
You have exes, I have exes.
Everybody has exes.
[CHUCKLES.]
PETRA: I'm trying, I'm trying! How hard can it be? Just [SCREAMS.]
Don't-don't pull! I'm sorry! I'm just a little stressed.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: New role for Petra: nursemaid.
Don't be.
We're gonna find another investor, and we'll make another offer.
- [KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
- [SCOFFS.]
Unless Katherine tells Luisa what we were doing.
The woman already ran me over.
I think she got her revenge.
[SCOFFS.]
I know Rafael was working with Katherine Cortes.
Guess she wanted a little more.
What are you doing here? Security! - Someone call security! - Luisa! Luisa! Rafael was just in an awful car accident.
Look at him.
Please.
Like I would ever fall for that.
It's obviously a sympathy ploy.
[SCREAMS.]
- What? - Ah.
Oh.
- So it's not a sympathy ploy.
- Luisa, please.
Can he just stay here till he gets better? Look, there's a guest room.
No.
And if you ever step foot on my property again, I will have you arrested.
When did you become such a nasty, - hateful person - Me? Me? No.
- You're the horrible person, - incapable of forgiveness - and compassion?! - You can pretend you're not, but you are.
You're obsessed with money and power, just like Dad.
ELLIE: Mommy! Everything's fine.
Why don't you take the girls down to the gift shop? We don't really need another sparkly turtle.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Which brings us to Alba.
See, she, too, plays many roles.
Jorge's girlfriend.
[GASPS.]
Hi, girls.
What can I get for you? LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Top merchandiser.
Daddy's getting kicked out of the hotel again, so we're supposed to buy something.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And captain of Team Rafael.
[GRUNTS.]
You said it was a little car accident.
Well, technically, Petra said that.
What happened, Daddy? I didn't look both ways before I crossed the street.
Hmm? What happened? Where were you? I broke up with Katherine.
I told her the truth, that I was using her, and she got pissed and tried to run me over.
- What? - Yeah.
She's denying it, but she did it on purpose.
And yes, you were right.
About her, and about this whole thing being a bad idea, but I really don't need "I told you so" right now, okay? [VOICE BREAKING.]
: Rafael.
What has happened to you? To us? That you think I would ever say that? I'm just happy that you're okay, and I just really want us to be okay.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Yup.
Just a fantasy.
Here's what she really said.
Well, let me know if you need anything.
I'm gonna go to bed.
[INHALES SHAKILY.]
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
- Hi.
- Hi.
- [LAUGHING.]
: Hey.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Oh.
- Hi.
What's going on? I just wanted to stop by.
Danny's at the airport, picking up some of his friends for the party.
Hmm.
Oh.
You okay? Totally, yes.
But listen, I'd love for you to spend some time with Danny this weekend.
One-on-one.
Oh.
Sure.
I'd love to get to know him better.
Perfect.
Great.
Because I'm not sure I should marry him, and I need you to tell me what to do.
- Lina, back up.
- Oh, God.
What's going on? Did you and Danny fight? No.
We never fight.
And maybe that's part of the problem.
Uh, what problem? Where is this even coming from? My sisters staged an intervention.
They are convinced that I'm making a mistake.
They think I'll be vorced by Christmas.
A-And what if they're right? They know me.
And they've all been divorced.
Which just means they picked badly for themselves, not that you did.
Come on.
You fell in love with Danny for a reason.
What are some of the thi ts you love about him? Well, he's-he's so sweet, and smart and so supportive.
Plus, he's great in bed.
God, what a nightmare.
You poor thing.
But he's such a square sometimes.
What do you mean? He has bisexual friends from Fort Greene.
This murder mystery theme? It was supposed to be a bachelor/bachelorette party.
Why would he think that I would like something like that? I don't want to have to learn a bunch of new words for my bachelorette party.
What the hell is a dowager?! A widow who got her title from her late husband.
Look, Lina, I was surprised by the theme, too.
See? And, Jane, he likes to ski.
You know how much I hate the cold.
Plus, he doesn't have a spontaneous bone in his body.
What if I want us to quit our jobs and travel the world for a year? I mean, do you? Assuming it's first-class airfare and five-star hotels, which he would never go for because he's so freaking practical! Okay, you're spiraling.
I know.
Which is why I need you to tell me what to do.
XIOMARA: Not your place, and not your role.
Just tell Lina that Danny is great, and you're completely on board with the two of them.
It's just the two of us.
No Baby.
JANE: But she asked for my help.
I mean, don't I owe it to her to give my honest opinion no matter what? If you want to stay friends with her, no.
I absolutely want to stay friends with you.
Sexy friends.
Tell Dad I can hear him.
It's a lose-lose situation, Janie.
If you say he sucks, and she marries him anyway, that will always be between you.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And again, friends, there was just so much she wanted to say.
Trust me, just leave well enough alone, Jane.
ROGELIO: Now what's wrong? There's something I want to talk with you about before we have sex.
Okay, a quick something, huh? - Ideally.
- Mm.
I want you to get a vasectomy.
Oh I think it's a language thing, you know, but I thought you said I did.
I want you to get a vasectomy.
Are you insane, woman?! It's a very common and safe procedure, and I'm tired of taking the pill.
Well, then, tie your tubes.
That's an invasive surgery.
A vasectomy is just a snip in and out.
Well, the answer is no.
I'm not being neutered, and that's that.
Never.
No way.
It's not gonna happen.
Stop being such a baby.
Well, "Baby" is the greatest name in the world, so I will take that as a compliment, no matter how it was intended.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And speaking of penis panic Here you go.
- Nice tats.
- Oh, thanks.
So, is is that your type? - What? - Just asking.
If I'm into the waiter? I, uh, I didn't notice, because I'm with you.
Right.
Sorry, I'm acting weird.
I'm just trying to wrap my head around it because I'm not into women.
Maybe.
Or maybe you just haven't explored that side of yourself.
Just to let you know, my shift is over, but my colleague Justine will treat you right.
It's been a pleasure.
[SULTRY MUSIC PLAYING.]
Is that a yes on the refill? Sorry, yes.
Thank you so much.
JUSTINE: You're welcome.
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.]
Hey, look, is this something that's gonna get in our way? What? No.
Because you seem pretty hung up on it.
Honestly, I'm not.
I'm completely hung up on it.
And I don't want to be.
Well, it makes sense that you are.
Yeah, because it took him so long to tell me.
And because there's a double standard, you know? When women hook up, it's looked at as sexy, but men are immediately marginalized because our whole culture revolves around the male gaze.
I'm not exactly following all that, but I hear you about the double standards.
Your dad's killing me.
He said no to the vasectomy? Again, he started talking about pulling out.
- Ma ugh! - Again, I'm pulling out of this conversation.
We were talking about Ro's vasectomy.
Ah.
He owns more makeup than I do.
He's campaigning to be the next Cover Girl.
- Mom! - Okay, now I'm pulling out of this conversation.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ah, the good old days.
DANNY: Is this a farthing or a tuppence? I'm gonna say a tuppence.
[IMITATES BUZZER.]
Oh.
Sorry, trick question.
It's a ha'penny.
Oh.
[CHUCKLES, SIGHS.]
Uh, so, where is Lina? Running a last-minute errand.
- [PHONE CHIMES.]
- Oh [CLEARS THROAT.]
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Guess Jane's spending that one-on-one time with Danny right now.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ah, yes, we last left our Jane in a most uncomfortable role.
So, uh, have you done a murder mystery party before? Yep.
Never been the Duke though.
- Hmm.
- I've been the Constable and the Butler before.
Stuck being the Silversmith twice.
Don't even get me started.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: I think you started.
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.]
Sure, I may have rigged it so I was assigned the part, but I figure I can, since I'm the groom and all.
I mean, if not now, when, right? [BOTH CHUCKLING.]
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Quick, Jane, think of something to say.
Uh, so, you're an accountant, right? I am, indeed.
And how long have you been doing that for? Five years.
No, six.
No, wait, five.
Definitely five.
Five.
Great.
And, uh, if you weren't an accountant You know what, six! LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Thought he was good with numbers.
Six.
Got it.
And if you weren't an accountant, and you could have any job in the world, what would it be? You know, I actually like being an accountant.
It's steady, consistent I don't like a lot of drama.
DIRECTOR: This is the most dramatic scene in the whole telenovela.
- I know! - LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Oh, thank God.
I was starting to fall asleep.
But I cannot find the truth in it.
And finding the truth is very important to my journey as an actor.
The truth is that you're saying good-bye to the kidney stone that has been your steadfast companion for your journey down the lady scientist's urinary tract.
Come on, this is our big Cast Away rip-off.
Homage.
And I'm just having trouble connecting with the good-bye speech.
Well, I'm sure you'll find it on the day.
That's lunch.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ah, yes, you'll recall Ro and Esteban recently had a relationship breakthrough.
I hate him.
Stay calm.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Yeah, it didn't last.
ESTEBAN: Hi, guys.
I call this the Bond and Tone.
Keeps me fit and firm, and puts Baby right down.
Well, she's going to wake up when you transfer her.
Oh, don't worry, I have this down to a science.
Yes oh.
I just take to child rearing so naturally.
In fact, Darci and I are already talking about number two.
The only number two you're having is in the bathroom.
You never had a number one.
Hey, Esteban, what if Darci didn't want another kid? Oh, well, of course, it's up to her.
Whatever Darci desires.
Wow.
Sounds like you'd do anything for her.
Of course.
If she is happy, I am happy.
- Very clever.
- Just proving a point.
Would snipping me really make you happy, Xiomara? It would.
And I think it would make you happy, too.
Are you not wearing a bra? LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Looks like someone's taking her mother's advice.
I must have forgotten.
- Mm.
- It's funny.
I didn't realize how much the fear of getting pregnant was holding me back, sexually.
- Go on.
- Well, maybe it's silly, but I feel like once that tiny bit of fear is lifted, I'll be able to fully express myself.
- Mm.
- And it would be so simple, really.
Just snip, snip.
Boom.
All right, make the appointment.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Boom.
[GASPS.]
- Are you okay? - My laptop fell, I-I didn't mean to wake you.
[GROANS.]
It's-it's okay.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And, friends, again, there was so much to say, but that wasn't Jane's role anymore.
Then why aren't you asleep? LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: But she didn't care.
What is it? Rafael I don't I don't know, I just feel, um lost.
I keep replaying everything in my mind that happened, and how I got here.
I mean, she ran me over.
And then I think about the hotel, you know.
And the money like, what if it's all really gone? But then I get mad at myself because then I sound like my father or my ex-father.
And then I know I shouldn't even be thinking that because I'm lucky to be alive.
And I know that.
[SNIFFLES.]
I'm lucky.
It's okay to not feel lucky.
You shouldn't even be talking to me.
Hey, you're family.
Family shows up.
Plus, you know I love you.
Not romantically.
[LAUGHS, SNIFFLES.]
You think I should, um, just give it all up? Just forget about the the trust and the hotel and just start over? It doesn't matter what I think.
I think that I have to.
Uh, you can, you can go back to bed now.
I know.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ah, friends, we left with change upon the horizon.
- Is that better? - Yes.
So, I prepared a few questions about the Castration? procedure.
First, you've worked on other celebrity penises? Yes.
I've done vasectomies for many other celebrities.
- Who? - I can't say specspically, but, uh, pretty big stars.
More or less famous than Michael Douglas? Exactly as famous as Michael Douglas.
The snipping, is it painful? Not at all.
We use a local anesthetic.
What if I change my mind? The procedure is totally reversible and, of course, this will make things much easier for your wife.
That's why I'm here.
She already had her life derailed by Baby.
Oh, you had a baby.
Yes, my baby Baby.
XIOMARA: Just continue.
I want to do this for you.
Great.
But I just don't think I can.
[SIGHS.]
NARRATOR: Also having trouble pulling the trigger Oh, Jane.
Here you are.
Finally.
What did you think? - Hmm? - About Danny.
Just tell Lina that Danny is great and you're completely on board with the two of them.
He's great.
I'm completely on board.
Marry him.
Yeah? What-what made you think that? Well, he's-he's really interesting and smart and he clearly loves you so much.
So you have absolutely no doubts? - Yes.
- You hesitated.
- I didn't.
- Lady, give it to me.
Now.
Okay, look it was a little hard to find a groove with him, you know, conversationally.
Because he's boring! I knew it! I didn't say "boring.
" NARRATOR: Well, not exactly.
Oh, my God.
What was I thinking? We are complete opposites.
I should be with someone sexy and edgy and bisexual, like Adam.
Do you think I should call off the wedding? No.
I talked to the guy for 30 minutes.
A-And it's not about me, Lina, or your sisters.
It's about you.
How do you feel? LUISA: How do I feel? Bad, Carl.
Bad.
You were supposed to help me get the money, which I still don't have, and my ex-brother just keeps lying and scheming.
Well, throw something else, then.
Let it out.
Good idea.
[GLASS SHATTERS.]
- How long has this been going on? - A while.
[GLASS SHATTERING.]
And there's something else.
Spare me the dramatic pause.
Last week, I overheard Magda and Anezka talking.
Dr.
Luisa introduce me to her friend Carl, but there was no one there.
She just be talking to the air.
Are you absolutely sure they said "Carl"? [GLASS SHATTERING.]
I have to go.
[PHONE DIALING.]
Carl? - Are you sure? - That's what Krishna said.
I just thought you should know.
[GLASS SHATTERS.]
What's happening? Who's Carl? Do you remember when I told you that Luisa had a, had a nervous breakdown during her medical residency? - Mm-hmm.
- Well, she went into a psychosis and said that someone named Carla told her she had to barge into surgeries, take over and save lives.
But there was no Carla.
It was a hallucination.
And she didn't believe anyone but me.
[SIGHS.]
I got to talk to her.
Try to get her to accept help.
See? You show up, too.
ROGELIO: Wow.
You are a sight for sore eyes.
- Thanks for the costume.
- Of course.
And I'm sorry I'm working tonight.
A-And I'm also sorry about the procedure.
I-I really wanted to do it for you.
- Don't say that.
- But it's true.
It's not or you'd just - get over your machismo.
- It's not machismo.
- It is.
- It's not.
- Then what is it? - I'm turning into an old man, Xo! It's true.
I have gray hairs and things sag.
I'm in the makeup chair longer every day and no matter what I do, it's just happening.
I can't stop it.
And this just feels like I don't know, like I'm moving onto the next stage, the old man stage which, I know, sounds silly.
It doesn't.
It actually makes sense.
Really? Because I was kind of hoping you'd tell me I'm still the same hot, young stud you met 28 years ago.
You are to me.
And you always will be.
Don't worry about the vasectomy.
I'll figure something out.
Did you figure out your costume? Did he ever.
He was trying it on for me last night, posing like no one's business.
[LAUGHS.]
[SULTRY MUSIC PLAYING.]
[LAUGHS.]
All right, later, guys.
I'm late for work.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: No, Jane, don't ask.
What? Nothing.
Were you wondering if I hooked up with him? Say no.
- I was.
I'm sorry.
- Seriously? - I'm sorry.
It's just - That you can't deal.
I'm trying.
It's throwing me.
Obviously.
But I think it's because you didn't give me a chance to react.
You immediately said that people acted weird, which meant that I couldn't act weird.
Well, don't worry.
You did.
- But that's why.
- Maybe.
Or maybe I was right.
Once you knew, things would change.
Don't you have to meet Danny with the rest of that party stuff? Yeah.
I'll see you tonight? Maybe.
Ah! Hi.
I am so sorry I'm late.
- Traffic was awful.
- No problem.
Hey, have you talked to Lina lately? Something seems off.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: You mean besides the fact that she's not sure she should marry you? Really? S-She seems fine to me.
No, I can tell something's wrong.
She isn't talking as much.
And our waitress this morning had really bad highlights, and she didn't say anything and you know how sensitive Lina is to bad highlights.
- That's totally true.
- My guess is she's unhappy about the murder mystery theme, which I knew she wouldn't be that into.
Y-You did? Yeah, but I thought it would be a great cover 'cause I also know as much as she hates murder mysteries, she loves surprises.
And I have a really big one planned.
Y-You do? My groomsmen and I are planning a little something that's more Lina once the murder mystery is solved.
There will be glitter, penises, cake ooh, and a striptease.
- Oh.
- By me.
Wow.
[LAUGHS.]
You know Lina really well.
W-Why would you think I didn't know Lina? [BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
No reason.
Did Lina say that? That I didn't know her? Is that why she's been acting so weird? - That's it, isn't it? - No, no.
I-I'm the one that said something.
What? I-I I told Lina that I had doubts about your compatibility because of our kind of awkward conversation.
That conversation was awkward because you were asking me all these strange questions and I was trying to be polite because I wanted to make a good impression on my fiancée's overprotective friend.
Whatever, uh I'll see you at the party.
- Well yeah.
- Yeah, Looks like Danny does bring the drama after all.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Prepare, friends, for a night of mystery, drama, and some very fine acting.
[WOMAN SCREAMS.]
[WITH COCKNEY ACCENT.]
: Oh, no! Ladies and gents, chaps and birds, I've most dismaying news.
Ignacio de Lorenzo of Seville, the most celebrated matador in all of España and honored guest of our host, the Duke has been found dead [PEOPLE GASP, SCREAM.]
in the manor's maze garden! [GASPS.]
And what's worse, the murderer is among us.
[PEOPLE GASP.]
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ah, so nice to be investigating a pretend murder at the Marbella for once.
Okay, we need to talk real quick.
[WITH FRENCH ACCENT.]
: We are supposed to stay in character.
Oui, Clara? [WITH COCKNEY ACCENT.]
: That's right, Renée.
I was 100% wrong about Danny and you should 100% marry him.
It's all good, old chap.
Okay.
So, then, why is he shooting you the death glare? [NORMAL VOICE.]
: Because he found out about the sussing.
- What? - [COCKNEY ACCENT.]
: No, but it's fine.
I said it was my idea.
He thinks you had nothing to do with it and the important thing is is that you're perfect for each other and I can't wait to come to your wedding, old chap.
Really? Ladies and gentlemen, a suspect has emerged.
There's apparently a lunatic from the asylum on the loose.
No.
You're wrong.
Carl is not like Carla.
Carl is real.
He's not.
Think about it, Luisa.
No one's seen him but you.
Because he has to keep his identity a secret.
I know how that sounds, but there is someone else who's seen him.
- Anezka.
- She didn't.
Krishna overheard Anezka saying that no one was there.
You were alone.
Oh, good.
You're together.
Hopefully not trashing me at my own bachelor party.
- Of course not.
- I wouldn't say of course.
- Danny, stop.
- Sorry, I'm mad.
- Danny.
I overstepped.
- She was trying to break us up.
No, she wasn't.
I asked Jane if she thought we should get married.
It's not true.
It's not.
Carl is real and this is one of your lies.
- He's not, Luisa.
- He has blue eyes and a peppered beard and he uses an inhaler.
This is your mind playing tricks on you.
No! I don't believe you.
I don't believe this.
You don't want to marry me? - Lina.
- Carl?! - Carl! - Lina, answer.
Please, Carl, answer.
- Yes? - I don't know.
What should I do? MAN: Proof! I demand proof! We haven't always seen eye to eye, but I trust you.
So, I'm asking you to tell me the truth.
You see Carl here, right? Uh - Anezka? - No.
I am sorry, Dr.
Luisa, there is no one there.
Carl, say something.
Well, it doesn't matter if I'm real to her, Luisa.
I'm real to you.
You hear that, right? Anezka, come on, he's right here! Okay, beautiful doctor.
Uh, hello to you, Carl.
Uh, I am loving your sweater.
He's right over here and he's wearing a T-shirt.
Okay, you just tell me what I see.
No.
I I don't understand.
If you can't see Carl, why didn't you say anything the other night outside the hotel? Because I did not want to embarrass beautiful doctor.
[SIGHS.]
[SNIFFLES.]
What's wrong with me? Nothing, I promise, you're just scared.
Because he's just not who I pictured myself with.
So what? He's who you fell for.
And he has so many amazing qualities.
I know.
But I shouldn't have these doubts if I'm marrying him, right? Everyone has doubts.
Did you, with Michael? There's just so much we haven't talked about, basic stuff.
Marriage stuff.
Tomorrow's just the wedding.
And the rehearsal was a disaster.
What if tomorrow's awful? Huge doubts.
We made a list, actually.
A very long list of all the things that we needed to discuss.
Danny loves lists.
He makes them constantly.
Aw, a man after my own heart.
He even has phone alerts to remind him to do what's on the lists.
How have I not thought of that? NARRATOR: And friends, that's when Lina suddenly realized the role Danny played in her life.
- Oh, my God.
- What? I'm marrying the male version of you.
[LAUGHS.]
I mean, Danny is organized and smart and responsible and kind of nerdy.
I mean, he's you! [GIGGLES.]
And you're the longest relationship that I've ever had.
Aw, you're the longest relationship I've ever had.
I love you, Jane.
I love you, too.
[SULTRY MUSIC PLAYING.]
What the hell? Huh? Were you gonna kiss me? [LAUGHS.]
: What? No.
Don't be ridiculous.
I mean Yeah, I was.
Oh I'm sorry, I don't know what I was thinking.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Seemed like you were thinking of making out with your best friend.
I guess I'm still a little freaked out by Adam's big bisexuality reveal.
Well, a pretty smart friend once told me that you fall for who you fall for.
Yeah, but this is different.
I'm not freaked out by his sexuality, I'm freaked out that he kept it from me.
- Hmm.
- What? As your best friend in the world and the person you just tried to make out with, that's a bunch a crap.
Excuse me? Don't try to make this about him hiding.
Figure out what's really going on.
Oh well, I-I guess it's because Lady? Tell him.
Not me.
Because it's my freaking bachelorette party and I need to go tell my fiancé that I can't wait to marry him.
- Go! Go! - [GASPS.]
Okay.
Mwah.
Any more and you couldn't handle it.
[LINA GIGGLES.]
[JANE LAUGHS.]
Did you buy it? Uh, sure? Of course you didn't, because I'm talking to a Styrofoam kidney stone! Aren't you supposed to, like pretend it's something else? You know? Something that means something to you? DIRECTOR: All right, this scene moves us to the next stage.
- [BELL RINGS.]
- LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And friends, it was one of those moments when art and life come together.
Suddenly, Rogelio knew exactly how to access that emotion.
- Cut! - [BELL RINGS.]
How dare you! - I was in the moment! - DIRECTOR: I know, and it was fantastic.
It's just that your eye line was off.
It kind of looked like you were talking to your penis.
[LAUGHS.]
: Really? Well, just go again.
Danny and I just had the hottest sex.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh I've never done it in a bathroom before.
At the Marbella.
At my own bachelorette party.
- [GIGGLES.]
- [LAUGHS.]
[LIVELY MUSIC PLAYS.]
- Oh, my God.
- [WOMEN CHEERING, WHISTLING.]
That's my man.
- [WHISTLES.]
- [WHOOPS.]
You look like you're having fun.
Yeah, can I go? Your dad just texted.
He's getting snipped.
No more pulling out Ma, again with the pulling out.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: All right, this time I'm pulling out.
Can we talk? So, yeah.
It wasn't that you waited a long time to tell me.
It was what you told me.
Which became pretty clear after I tried to kiss Lina.
- What? - I know.
It was a momentary lapse of judgment.
But you're obviously right.
I did freak out.
I guess I-I I just have questions.
Which are silly and stupid No.
Ask me.
Is being bisexual a stop? O-On your way to coming out as gay? Definitely not.
Um, it just means that I'm open to a connection with a man or a women.
What else you got? Well, I guess I feel a little insecure, you know.
It's not like I can give you what a man can.
Well, yeah, you're right, you can't.
But you can't give me what other women can give me, either.
But it doesn't matter, because I choose to be with you.
I don't want to be with anyone else, regardless of gender.
- Really? - Yeah, really.
We're in a monogamous relationship.
Which means that you're not allowed to kiss anyone else.
I know.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
If it makes you feel any better, she hard core rejected me.
Well, then she's an idiot.
[GIGGLES.]
[BOTH MOANING.]
Oh, Bob [LAUGHS.]
I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
- It's Jim, right? - [LAUGHS.]
: Yeah.
LUISA: This is Mark.
You see Mark, right? Yes.
What are you doing here? I'm checking myself into a psychiatric hospital.
Or a wellness center if you believe the brochure.
I can't go down this path again.
Well, I'm really glad that you're getting help.
After everything that's happened, the fact that you're still looking out for me, it Thank you.
And you can have your hotel shares back.
What? That's not why I helped you.
I know.
That's why I'm giving them back.
Hey, you.
Everything okay? Yeah.
[SIGHS.]
Luisa's going to get help.
That's great.
And she's giving me back my hotel shares.
- What? - Yeah.
She's giving everything back.
See? You do the right thing and good things happen.
[LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Oh, Jane, after all your telenovela watching, you should know by now, that's not true.
I know it's not how you wanted to get the hotel back, but it's still a good thing.
My sister signed this last night.
All the shares are now back in my name.
Oh, well, unfortunately, due to your sister's mental state, she's not allowed to change any contractual agreement.
- What does that mean? - It reverts to the original agreement she signed six weeks ago, which stated in the event of her incapacitation, all her hotel shares go to I am new owner of Marbella! Good job, Anton.
We did it.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: I did tell you there would be some very fine acting.
What Jane wants to say.
- I'm so proud of you.
- I love you.
- What jane says.
- Thanks.
But with the help of bestselling novelist Isabel Allende Love, passion and killing.
Jane just might say it, So I
When we left our Jane, she'd rekindled things with her first love, Adam.
I am all in, Jane.
So, yeah.
They were pretty smitten.
And speaking of smitten, Jane's father Rogelio had finally married her mother Xiomara.
Only complication, he had a baby with Darci.
And they named her Well, I'll let him explain.
First name, Baby.
JANE: My baby sister, Baby.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Yeah.
And complicating that Oh.
Darci started dating his rival Esteban.
I know.
Straight out of a telenovela, right? Which makes sense, because Rogelio was a huge telenovela star.
Though right now, he was playing someone very tiny, who was swallowed by his love interest, and was currently stuck inside her body.
Just go with it, okay? And speaking of star-crossed lovers, Jane and Rafael were currently estranged.
See, he'd lost all his money, and so he was scheming against his sister Luisa to get his hotel back.
For the last time, I am doing this for my family! And as for Luisa, well, she made a new friend, Carl.
Only problem Dr.
Luisa introduced me to her friend Carl, but there was no one there.
So, yeah, Luisa was definitely struggling.
But Raf didn't know that.
He just wanted his hotel back.
So he got into bed with hotel financier Katherine Cortes.
Literally.
But he had a change of heart about using her.
And well, the consequences came fast and furious.
- [TIRES SCREECH.]
- I know.
OMG, right? So let's dive in.
Ah, friends.
As you well know, our Jane played many roles.
And so, she had many labels.
She was a mother.
She was a lover.
She was a writer, of course.
But before she was any of those things, she was a best friend.
To Lina.
Like my new hat? I stole it from my sisters.
You're gonna get in so much trouble.
- [LAUGHS.]
- NARRATOR: Of course, of the two, Lina was the bold one.
She was adventurous.
Want me to teach you how to put on eye makeup? Yeah.
But no wings.
Then what's even the point? [SIGHS.]
The kind of person who went for it.
[QUIETLY.]
: Kiss him.
Which is why Jane knew her bachelorette party had to be A 1930s murder mystery theme? Really? I know.
I was confused, too.
I had our favorite stripper on hold.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: He's my favorite, too.
But, apparently, this is what Lina and Danny want.
So, I will make it totally perfect.
Because that is my solemn duty as Lina's lifetime BFF.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, don't tell me that Dad can't get the costumes.
No.
Sorry.
I just realized I forgot to take the pill.
Again? Why are you even still on the pill? There are so many other options.
The ring, the shot, the patch, the cap.
Look at you, Planned Parenthood.
- Thank you.
- [LAUGHS.]
Anyway, I've tried a few.
Your dad just wants to pull out, but Oh.
Okay.
All right.
I'm gonna get going.
Please tell Dad thank you for the costumes and the props.
- [PHONE RINGING.]
- Oh.
[SCOFFS.]
- Petra? - Everything's fine.
There's nothing to worry about.
What do you mean? Worry about what? I just said there's nothing to worry about.
Well, that's a really weird way to start a phone call.
- Rafael was in a little car accident.
- What? LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Little? He looks like he was hit by a Mack truck.
Or, say, a late model sedan.
But he's fine.
Truly.
Uh, actually, we're just about to get discharged, - so I'm just letting you know.
- Okay.
Well, tell him - I'm glad he's okay.
- I will.
I'm telling you, it wasn't an accident.
Oh, I'm sure.
I mean, you basically told Katherine you were using her before the deal closed.
What were you thinking? I just couldn't go through with it.
Oh.
You got Villanuevaed.
That's not true.
Or even if it is a little true, I never would've worked with Katherine long-term.
Obviously, because she's completely nuts.
Oh, you don't think so? My sister tried to drown me at sea.
I have a high bar.
NURSE: All right.
You are officially discharged.
Wound care.
Keep an eye on the color.
We don't want to be seeing green pus.
We want to see red blood.
This stuff is terrific.
Terrific! Please tell your dad thanks.
Does he want to come, by the way? Or your mom? We still have some roles to assign.
He'll be shooting, but I'll ask my mom.
Yeah, tell your grandma to come, too.
That's a great idea! We need a dowager.
- Seriously? - Hey! So sorry I'm late, babe.
[LAUGHING.]
: Oh, my God.
Still with the "babe.
" I mean, nice to see you again.
Don't mess things up this time.
I'm trying really hard not to.
[LAUGHS.]
- Congratulations, bride-to-be.
- Thank you.
This is my fiancé, Danny.
- Hey.
- Hey.
You look so familiar.
Yeah, you do, too, actually.
Did you ever live in New York? Yeah.
Fort Greene.
Oh, I had a bunch of friends there.
Uh, do you know Joey Brixton? - Jenny Lawson? - Mm Let me check our mutuals.
[QUIETLY.]
: See? They're destined to be friends.
Wait.
Yeah, you two used to date, right? Yeah.
Ooh.
Oh, sh-she's really pretty.
Not her.
Him.
Oh.
Cool.
He's also very pretty.
So, you're bisexual? If you're into labels.
You date men and women? I had a boyfriend in art school when everyone was experimenting, and another in Fort Greene when everyone wasn't.
Cool.
It's just, we've had so many long talks.
How come you never mentioned this? It just didn't really feel that relevant.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: I mean, more relevant than who'd win in an epic battle between Batman and Wolverine.
Which has been discussed at length.
And I guess I was nervous.
It's become an issue with people I've dated before.
Well, you've nev n dated me before.
Okay, you have.
N-Not recently.
My point is, is [SCOFFS.]
I'm totally okay with it.
You have exes, I have exes.
Everybody has exes.
[CHUCKLES.]
PETRA: I'm trying, I'm trying! How hard can it be? Just [SCREAMS.]
Don't-don't pull! I'm sorry! I'm just a little stressed.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: New role for Petra: nursemaid.
Don't be.
We're gonna find another investor, and we'll make another offer.
- [KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
- [SCOFFS.]
Unless Katherine tells Luisa what we were doing.
The woman already ran me over.
I think she got her revenge.
[SCOFFS.]
I know Rafael was working with Katherine Cortes.
Guess she wanted a little more.
What are you doing here? Security! - Someone call security! - Luisa! Luisa! Rafael was just in an awful car accident.
Look at him.
Please.
Like I would ever fall for that.
It's obviously a sympathy ploy.
[SCREAMS.]
- What? - Ah.
Oh.
- So it's not a sympathy ploy.
- Luisa, please.
Can he just stay here till he gets better? Look, there's a guest room.
No.
And if you ever step foot on my property again, I will have you arrested.
When did you become such a nasty, - hateful person - Me? Me? No.
- You're the horrible person, - incapable of forgiveness - and compassion?! - You can pretend you're not, but you are.
You're obsessed with money and power, just like Dad.
ELLIE: Mommy! Everything's fine.
Why don't you take the girls down to the gift shop? We don't really need another sparkly turtle.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Which brings us to Alba.
See, she, too, plays many roles.
Jorge's girlfriend.
[GASPS.]
Hi, girls.
What can I get for you? LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Top merchandiser.
Daddy's getting kicked out of the hotel again, so we're supposed to buy something.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And captain of Team Rafael.
[GRUNTS.]
You said it was a little car accident.
Well, technically, Petra said that.
What happened, Daddy? I didn't look both ways before I crossed the street.
Hmm? What happened? Where were you? I broke up with Katherine.
I told her the truth, that I was using her, and she got pissed and tried to run me over.
- What? - Yeah.
She's denying it, but she did it on purpose.
And yes, you were right.
About her, and about this whole thing being a bad idea, but I really don't need "I told you so" right now, okay? [VOICE BREAKING.]
: Rafael.
What has happened to you? To us? That you think I would ever say that? I'm just happy that you're okay, and I just really want us to be okay.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Yup.
Just a fantasy.
Here's what she really said.
Well, let me know if you need anything.
I'm gonna go to bed.
[INHALES SHAKILY.]
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
- Hi.
- Hi.
- [LAUGHING.]
: Hey.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Oh.
- Hi.
What's going on? I just wanted to stop by.
Danny's at the airport, picking up some of his friends for the party.
Hmm.
Oh.
You okay? Totally, yes.
But listen, I'd love for you to spend some time with Danny this weekend.
One-on-one.
Oh.
Sure.
I'd love to get to know him better.
Perfect.
Great.
Because I'm not sure I should marry him, and I need you to tell me what to do.
- Lina, back up.
- Oh, God.
What's going on? Did you and Danny fight? No.
We never fight.
And maybe that's part of the problem.
Uh, what problem? Where is this even coming from? My sisters staged an intervention.
They are convinced that I'm making a mistake.
They think I'll be vorced by Christmas.
A-And what if they're right? They know me.
And they've all been divorced.
Which just means they picked badly for themselves, not that you did.
Come on.
You fell in love with Danny for a reason.
What are some of the thi ts you love about him? Well, he's-he's so sweet, and smart and so supportive.
Plus, he's great in bed.
God, what a nightmare.
You poor thing.
But he's such a square sometimes.
What do you mean? He has bisexual friends from Fort Greene.
This murder mystery theme? It was supposed to be a bachelor/bachelorette party.
Why would he think that I would like something like that? I don't want to have to learn a bunch of new words for my bachelorette party.
What the hell is a dowager?! A widow who got her title from her late husband.
Look, Lina, I was surprised by the theme, too.
See? And, Jane, he likes to ski.
You know how much I hate the cold.
Plus, he doesn't have a spontaneous bone in his body.
What if I want us to quit our jobs and travel the world for a year? I mean, do you? Assuming it's first-class airfare and five-star hotels, which he would never go for because he's so freaking practical! Okay, you're spiraling.
I know.
Which is why I need you to tell me what to do.
XIOMARA: Not your place, and not your role.
Just tell Lina that Danny is great, and you're completely on board with the two of them.
It's just the two of us.
No Baby.
JANE: But she asked for my help.
I mean, don't I owe it to her to give my honest opinion no matter what? If you want to stay friends with her, no.
I absolutely want to stay friends with you.
Sexy friends.
Tell Dad I can hear him.
It's a lose-lose situation, Janie.
If you say he sucks, and she marries him anyway, that will always be between you.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And again, friends, there was just so much she wanted to say.
Trust me, just leave well enough alone, Jane.
ROGELIO: Now what's wrong? There's something I want to talk with you about before we have sex.
Okay, a quick something, huh? - Ideally.
- Mm.
I want you to get a vasectomy.
Oh I think it's a language thing, you know, but I thought you said I did.
I want you to get a vasectomy.
Are you insane, woman?! It's a very common and safe procedure, and I'm tired of taking the pill.
Well, then, tie your tubes.
That's an invasive surgery.
A vasectomy is just a snip in and out.
Well, the answer is no.
I'm not being neutered, and that's that.
Never.
No way.
It's not gonna happen.
Stop being such a baby.
Well, "Baby" is the greatest name in the world, so I will take that as a compliment, no matter how it was intended.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And speaking of penis panic Here you go.
- Nice tats.
- Oh, thanks.
So, is is that your type? - What? - Just asking.
If I'm into the waiter? I, uh, I didn't notice, because I'm with you.
Right.
Sorry, I'm acting weird.
I'm just trying to wrap my head around it because I'm not into women.
Maybe.
Or maybe you just haven't explored that side of yourself.
Just to let you know, my shift is over, but my colleague Justine will treat you right.
It's been a pleasure.
[SULTRY MUSIC PLAYING.]
Is that a yes on the refill? Sorry, yes.
Thank you so much.
JUSTINE: You're welcome.
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.]
Hey, look, is this something that's gonna get in our way? What? No.
Because you seem pretty hung up on it.
Honestly, I'm not.
I'm completely hung up on it.
And I don't want to be.
Well, it makes sense that you are.
Yeah, because it took him so long to tell me.
And because there's a double standard, you know? When women hook up, it's looked at as sexy, but men are immediately marginalized because our whole culture revolves around the male gaze.
I'm not exactly following all that, but I hear you about the double standards.
Your dad's killing me.
He said no to the vasectomy? Again, he started talking about pulling out.
- Ma ugh! - Again, I'm pulling out of this conversation.
We were talking about Ro's vasectomy.
Ah.
He owns more makeup than I do.
He's campaigning to be the next Cover Girl.
- Mom! - Okay, now I'm pulling out of this conversation.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ah, the good old days.
DANNY: Is this a farthing or a tuppence? I'm gonna say a tuppence.
[IMITATES BUZZER.]
Oh.
Sorry, trick question.
It's a ha'penny.
Oh.
[CHUCKLES, SIGHS.]
Uh, so, where is Lina? Running a last-minute errand.
- [PHONE CHIMES.]
- Oh [CLEARS THROAT.]
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Guess Jane's spending that one-on-one time with Danny right now.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ah, yes, we last left our Jane in a most uncomfortable role.
So, uh, have you done a murder mystery party before? Yep.
Never been the Duke though.
- Hmm.
- I've been the Constable and the Butler before.
Stuck being the Silversmith twice.
Don't even get me started.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: I think you started.
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.]
Sure, I may have rigged it so I was assigned the part, but I figure I can, since I'm the groom and all.
I mean, if not now, when, right? [BOTH CHUCKLING.]
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Quick, Jane, think of something to say.
Uh, so, you're an accountant, right? I am, indeed.
And how long have you been doing that for? Five years.
No, six.
No, wait, five.
Definitely five.
Five.
Great.
And, uh, if you weren't an accountant You know what, six! LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Thought he was good with numbers.
Six.
Got it.
And if you weren't an accountant, and you could have any job in the world, what would it be? You know, I actually like being an accountant.
It's steady, consistent I don't like a lot of drama.
DIRECTOR: This is the most dramatic scene in the whole telenovela.
- I know! - LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Oh, thank God.
I was starting to fall asleep.
But I cannot find the truth in it.
And finding the truth is very important to my journey as an actor.
The truth is that you're saying good-bye to the kidney stone that has been your steadfast companion for your journey down the lady scientist's urinary tract.
Come on, this is our big Cast Away rip-off.
Homage.
And I'm just having trouble connecting with the good-bye speech.
Well, I'm sure you'll find it on the day.
That's lunch.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ah, yes, you'll recall Ro and Esteban recently had a relationship breakthrough.
I hate him.
Stay calm.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Yeah, it didn't last.
ESTEBAN: Hi, guys.
I call this the Bond and Tone.
Keeps me fit and firm, and puts Baby right down.
Well, she's going to wake up when you transfer her.
Oh, don't worry, I have this down to a science.
Yes oh.
I just take to child rearing so naturally.
In fact, Darci and I are already talking about number two.
The only number two you're having is in the bathroom.
You never had a number one.
Hey, Esteban, what if Darci didn't want another kid? Oh, well, of course, it's up to her.
Whatever Darci desires.
Wow.
Sounds like you'd do anything for her.
Of course.
If she is happy, I am happy.
- Very clever.
- Just proving a point.
Would snipping me really make you happy, Xiomara? It would.
And I think it would make you happy, too.
Are you not wearing a bra? LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Looks like someone's taking her mother's advice.
I must have forgotten.
- Mm.
- It's funny.
I didn't realize how much the fear of getting pregnant was holding me back, sexually.
- Go on.
- Well, maybe it's silly, but I feel like once that tiny bit of fear is lifted, I'll be able to fully express myself.
- Mm.
- And it would be so simple, really.
Just snip, snip.
Boom.
All right, make the appointment.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Boom.
[GASPS.]
- Are you okay? - My laptop fell, I-I didn't mean to wake you.
[GROANS.]
It's-it's okay.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And, friends, again, there was so much to say, but that wasn't Jane's role anymore.
Then why aren't you asleep? LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: But she didn't care.
What is it? Rafael I don't I don't know, I just feel, um lost.
I keep replaying everything in my mind that happened, and how I got here.
I mean, she ran me over.
And then I think about the hotel, you know.
And the money like, what if it's all really gone? But then I get mad at myself because then I sound like my father or my ex-father.
And then I know I shouldn't even be thinking that because I'm lucky to be alive.
And I know that.
[SNIFFLES.]
I'm lucky.
It's okay to not feel lucky.
You shouldn't even be talking to me.
Hey, you're family.
Family shows up.
Plus, you know I love you.
Not romantically.
[LAUGHS, SNIFFLES.]
You think I should, um, just give it all up? Just forget about the the trust and the hotel and just start over? It doesn't matter what I think.
I think that I have to.
Uh, you can, you can go back to bed now.
I know.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ah, friends, we left with change upon the horizon.
- Is that better? - Yes.
So, I prepared a few questions about the Castration? procedure.
First, you've worked on other celebrity penises? Yes.
I've done vasectomies for many other celebrities.
- Who? - I can't say specspically, but, uh, pretty big stars.
More or less famous than Michael Douglas? Exactly as famous as Michael Douglas.
The snipping, is it painful? Not at all.
We use a local anesthetic.
What if I change my mind? The procedure is totally reversible and, of course, this will make things much easier for your wife.
That's why I'm here.
She already had her life derailed by Baby.
Oh, you had a baby.
Yes, my baby Baby.
XIOMARA: Just continue.
I want to do this for you.
Great.
But I just don't think I can.
[SIGHS.]
NARRATOR: Also having trouble pulling the trigger Oh, Jane.
Here you are.
Finally.
What did you think? - Hmm? - About Danny.
Just tell Lina that Danny is great and you're completely on board with the two of them.
He's great.
I'm completely on board.
Marry him.
Yeah? What-what made you think that? Well, he's-he's really interesting and smart and he clearly loves you so much.
So you have absolutely no doubts? - Yes.
- You hesitated.
- I didn't.
- Lady, give it to me.
Now.
Okay, look it was a little hard to find a groove with him, you know, conversationally.
Because he's boring! I knew it! I didn't say "boring.
" NARRATOR: Well, not exactly.
Oh, my God.
What was I thinking? We are complete opposites.
I should be with someone sexy and edgy and bisexual, like Adam.
Do you think I should call off the wedding? No.
I talked to the guy for 30 minutes.
A-And it's not about me, Lina, or your sisters.
It's about you.
How do you feel? LUISA: How do I feel? Bad, Carl.
Bad.
You were supposed to help me get the money, which I still don't have, and my ex-brother just keeps lying and scheming.
Well, throw something else, then.
Let it out.
Good idea.
[GLASS SHATTERS.]
- How long has this been going on? - A while.
[GLASS SHATTERING.]
And there's something else.
Spare me the dramatic pause.
Last week, I overheard Magda and Anezka talking.
Dr.
Luisa introduce me to her friend Carl, but there was no one there.
She just be talking to the air.
Are you absolutely sure they said "Carl"? [GLASS SHATTERING.]
I have to go.
[PHONE DIALING.]
Carl? - Are you sure? - That's what Krishna said.
I just thought you should know.
[GLASS SHATTERS.]
What's happening? Who's Carl? Do you remember when I told you that Luisa had a, had a nervous breakdown during her medical residency? - Mm-hmm.
- Well, she went into a psychosis and said that someone named Carla told her she had to barge into surgeries, take over and save lives.
But there was no Carla.
It was a hallucination.
And she didn't believe anyone but me.
[SIGHS.]
I got to talk to her.
Try to get her to accept help.
See? You show up, too.
ROGELIO: Wow.
You are a sight for sore eyes.
- Thanks for the costume.
- Of course.
And I'm sorry I'm working tonight.
A-And I'm also sorry about the procedure.
I-I really wanted to do it for you.
- Don't say that.
- But it's true.
It's not or you'd just - get over your machismo.
- It's not machismo.
- It is.
- It's not.
- Then what is it? - I'm turning into an old man, Xo! It's true.
I have gray hairs and things sag.
I'm in the makeup chair longer every day and no matter what I do, it's just happening.
I can't stop it.
And this just feels like I don't know, like I'm moving onto the next stage, the old man stage which, I know, sounds silly.
It doesn't.
It actually makes sense.
Really? Because I was kind of hoping you'd tell me I'm still the same hot, young stud you met 28 years ago.
You are to me.
And you always will be.
Don't worry about the vasectomy.
I'll figure something out.
Did you figure out your costume? Did he ever.
He was trying it on for me last night, posing like no one's business.
[LAUGHS.]
[SULTRY MUSIC PLAYING.]
[LAUGHS.]
All right, later, guys.
I'm late for work.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: No, Jane, don't ask.
What? Nothing.
Were you wondering if I hooked up with him? Say no.
- I was.
I'm sorry.
- Seriously? - I'm sorry.
It's just - That you can't deal.
I'm trying.
It's throwing me.
Obviously.
But I think it's because you didn't give me a chance to react.
You immediately said that people acted weird, which meant that I couldn't act weird.
Well, don't worry.
You did.
- But that's why.
- Maybe.
Or maybe I was right.
Once you knew, things would change.
Don't you have to meet Danny with the rest of that party stuff? Yeah.
I'll see you tonight? Maybe.
Ah! Hi.
I am so sorry I'm late.
- Traffic was awful.
- No problem.
Hey, have you talked to Lina lately? Something seems off.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: You mean besides the fact that she's not sure she should marry you? Really? S-She seems fine to me.
No, I can tell something's wrong.
She isn't talking as much.
And our waitress this morning had really bad highlights, and she didn't say anything and you know how sensitive Lina is to bad highlights.
- That's totally true.
- My guess is she's unhappy about the murder mystery theme, which I knew she wouldn't be that into.
Y-You did? Yeah, but I thought it would be a great cover 'cause I also know as much as she hates murder mysteries, she loves surprises.
And I have a really big one planned.
Y-You do? My groomsmen and I are planning a little something that's more Lina once the murder mystery is solved.
There will be glitter, penises, cake ooh, and a striptease.
- Oh.
- By me.
Wow.
[LAUGHS.]
You know Lina really well.
W-Why would you think I didn't know Lina? [BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
No reason.
Did Lina say that? That I didn't know her? Is that why she's been acting so weird? - That's it, isn't it? - No, no.
I-I'm the one that said something.
What? I-I I told Lina that I had doubts about your compatibility because of our kind of awkward conversation.
That conversation was awkward because you were asking me all these strange questions and I was trying to be polite because I wanted to make a good impression on my fiancée's overprotective friend.
Whatever, uh I'll see you at the party.
- Well yeah.
- Yeah, Looks like Danny does bring the drama after all.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Prepare, friends, for a night of mystery, drama, and some very fine acting.
[WOMAN SCREAMS.]
[WITH COCKNEY ACCENT.]
: Oh, no! Ladies and gents, chaps and birds, I've most dismaying news.
Ignacio de Lorenzo of Seville, the most celebrated matador in all of España and honored guest of our host, the Duke has been found dead [PEOPLE GASP, SCREAM.]
in the manor's maze garden! [GASPS.]
And what's worse, the murderer is among us.
[PEOPLE GASP.]
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ah, so nice to be investigating a pretend murder at the Marbella for once.
Okay, we need to talk real quick.
[WITH FRENCH ACCENT.]
: We are supposed to stay in character.
Oui, Clara? [WITH COCKNEY ACCENT.]
: That's right, Renée.
I was 100% wrong about Danny and you should 100% marry him.
It's all good, old chap.
Okay.
So, then, why is he shooting you the death glare? [NORMAL VOICE.]
: Because he found out about the sussing.
- What? - [COCKNEY ACCENT.]
: No, but it's fine.
I said it was my idea.
He thinks you had nothing to do with it and the important thing is is that you're perfect for each other and I can't wait to come to your wedding, old chap.
Really? Ladies and gentlemen, a suspect has emerged.
There's apparently a lunatic from the asylum on the loose.
No.
You're wrong.
Carl is not like Carla.
Carl is real.
He's not.
Think about it, Luisa.
No one's seen him but you.
Because he has to keep his identity a secret.
I know how that sounds, but there is someone else who's seen him.
- Anezka.
- She didn't.
Krishna overheard Anezka saying that no one was there.
You were alone.
Oh, good.
You're together.
Hopefully not trashing me at my own bachelor party.
- Of course not.
- I wouldn't say of course.
- Danny, stop.
- Sorry, I'm mad.
- Danny.
I overstepped.
- She was trying to break us up.
No, she wasn't.
I asked Jane if she thought we should get married.
It's not true.
It's not.
Carl is real and this is one of your lies.
- He's not, Luisa.
- He has blue eyes and a peppered beard and he uses an inhaler.
This is your mind playing tricks on you.
No! I don't believe you.
I don't believe this.
You don't want to marry me? - Lina.
- Carl?! - Carl! - Lina, answer.
Please, Carl, answer.
- Yes? - I don't know.
What should I do? MAN: Proof! I demand proof! We haven't always seen eye to eye, but I trust you.
So, I'm asking you to tell me the truth.
You see Carl here, right? Uh - Anezka? - No.
I am sorry, Dr.
Luisa, there is no one there.
Carl, say something.
Well, it doesn't matter if I'm real to her, Luisa.
I'm real to you.
You hear that, right? Anezka, come on, he's right here! Okay, beautiful doctor.
Uh, hello to you, Carl.
Uh, I am loving your sweater.
He's right over here and he's wearing a T-shirt.
Okay, you just tell me what I see.
No.
I I don't understand.
If you can't see Carl, why didn't you say anything the other night outside the hotel? Because I did not want to embarrass beautiful doctor.
[SIGHS.]
[SNIFFLES.]
What's wrong with me? Nothing, I promise, you're just scared.
Because he's just not who I pictured myself with.
So what? He's who you fell for.
And he has so many amazing qualities.
I know.
But I shouldn't have these doubts if I'm marrying him, right? Everyone has doubts.
Did you, with Michael? There's just so much we haven't talked about, basic stuff.
Marriage stuff.
Tomorrow's just the wedding.
And the rehearsal was a disaster.
What if tomorrow's awful? Huge doubts.
We made a list, actually.
A very long list of all the things that we needed to discuss.
Danny loves lists.
He makes them constantly.
Aw, a man after my own heart.
He even has phone alerts to remind him to do what's on the lists.
How have I not thought of that? NARRATOR: And friends, that's when Lina suddenly realized the role Danny played in her life.
- Oh, my God.
- What? I'm marrying the male version of you.
[LAUGHS.]
I mean, Danny is organized and smart and responsible and kind of nerdy.
I mean, he's you! [GIGGLES.]
And you're the longest relationship that I've ever had.
Aw, you're the longest relationship I've ever had.
I love you, Jane.
I love you, too.
[SULTRY MUSIC PLAYING.]
What the hell? Huh? Were you gonna kiss me? [LAUGHS.]
: What? No.
Don't be ridiculous.
I mean Yeah, I was.
Oh I'm sorry, I don't know what I was thinking.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Seemed like you were thinking of making out with your best friend.
I guess I'm still a little freaked out by Adam's big bisexuality reveal.
Well, a pretty smart friend once told me that you fall for who you fall for.
Yeah, but this is different.
I'm not freaked out by his sexuality, I'm freaked out that he kept it from me.
- Hmm.
- What? As your best friend in the world and the person you just tried to make out with, that's a bunch a crap.
Excuse me? Don't try to make this about him hiding.
Figure out what's really going on.
Oh well, I-I guess it's because Lady? Tell him.
Not me.
Because it's my freaking bachelorette party and I need to go tell my fiancé that I can't wait to marry him.
- Go! Go! - [GASPS.]
Okay.
Mwah.
Any more and you couldn't handle it.
[LINA GIGGLES.]
[JANE LAUGHS.]
Did you buy it? Uh, sure? Of course you didn't, because I'm talking to a Styrofoam kidney stone! Aren't you supposed to, like pretend it's something else? You know? Something that means something to you? DIRECTOR: All right, this scene moves us to the next stage.
- [BELL RINGS.]
- LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And friends, it was one of those moments when art and life come together.
Suddenly, Rogelio knew exactly how to access that emotion.
- Cut! - [BELL RINGS.]
How dare you! - I was in the moment! - DIRECTOR: I know, and it was fantastic.
It's just that your eye line was off.
It kind of looked like you were talking to your penis.
[LAUGHS.]
: Really? Well, just go again.
Danny and I just had the hottest sex.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh I've never done it in a bathroom before.
At the Marbella.
At my own bachelorette party.
- [GIGGLES.]
- [LAUGHS.]
[LIVELY MUSIC PLAYS.]
- Oh, my God.
- [WOMEN CHEERING, WHISTLING.]
That's my man.
- [WHISTLES.]
- [WHOOPS.]
You look like you're having fun.
Yeah, can I go? Your dad just texted.
He's getting snipped.
No more pulling out Ma, again with the pulling out.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: All right, this time I'm pulling out.
Can we talk? So, yeah.
It wasn't that you waited a long time to tell me.
It was what you told me.
Which became pretty clear after I tried to kiss Lina.
- What? - I know.
It was a momentary lapse of judgment.
But you're obviously right.
I did freak out.
I guess I-I I just have questions.
Which are silly and stupid No.
Ask me.
Is being bisexual a stop? O-On your way to coming out as gay? Definitely not.
Um, it just means that I'm open to a connection with a man or a women.
What else you got? Well, I guess I feel a little insecure, you know.
It's not like I can give you what a man can.
Well, yeah, you're right, you can't.
But you can't give me what other women can give me, either.
But it doesn't matter, because I choose to be with you.
I don't want to be with anyone else, regardless of gender.
- Really? - Yeah, really.
We're in a monogamous relationship.
Which means that you're not allowed to kiss anyone else.
I know.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
If it makes you feel any better, she hard core rejected me.
Well, then she's an idiot.
[GIGGLES.]
[BOTH MOANING.]
Oh, Bob [LAUGHS.]
I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
- It's Jim, right? - [LAUGHS.]
: Yeah.
LUISA: This is Mark.
You see Mark, right? Yes.
What are you doing here? I'm checking myself into a psychiatric hospital.
Or a wellness center if you believe the brochure.
I can't go down this path again.
Well, I'm really glad that you're getting help.
After everything that's happened, the fact that you're still looking out for me, it Thank you.
And you can have your hotel shares back.
What? That's not why I helped you.
I know.
That's why I'm giving them back.
Hey, you.
Everything okay? Yeah.
[SIGHS.]
Luisa's going to get help.
That's great.
And she's giving me back my hotel shares.
- What? - Yeah.
She's giving everything back.
See? You do the right thing and good things happen.
[LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Oh, Jane, after all your telenovela watching, you should know by now, that's not true.
I know it's not how you wanted to get the hotel back, but it's still a good thing.
My sister signed this last night.
All the shares are now back in my name.
Oh, well, unfortunately, due to your sister's mental state, she's not allowed to change any contractual agreement.
- What does that mean? - It reverts to the original agreement she signed six weeks ago, which stated in the event of her incapacitation, all her hotel shares go to I am new owner of Marbella! Good job, Anton.
We did it.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: I did tell you there would be some very fine acting.
What Jane wants to say.
- I'm so proud of you.
- I love you.
- What jane says.
- Thanks.
But with the help of bestselling novelist Isabel Allende Love, passion and killing.
Jane just might say it, So I