Karl Pilkington: The Moaning Of Life (2013) s02e01 Episode Script
Art
Karl Pilkington is back travelling the world seeking answers to more of life's big questions.
How much does your identity define you? I think mine are nicer than yours.
What can we do about waste? How should you live your life? God almighty.
What is she doing? What can we do with our limited time on the planet? And how should we treat our body? Showtime.
Am I in charge or is my arse in charge? That's strange.
In this episode, Karl asks - what is art? This is not a normal way of creating art, this.
Can the body be a canvas? They're shouting out commands like "lift your left arsecheek.
" I can't control them individually.
They're not eyebrows.
Is art about putting on a performance? In a rush! And can anything be called art? I don't know if it's art yet but it looks nice.
I don't know if I'm getting it, you know.
This is The Moaning Of Life.
There's no fun in this.
So, Karl, why are you interested in art? A lot of things in life, there's a right way and a wrong way, but with art, there isn't.
It's "do what you want, "do what you feel is right at the time.
" And in a way, that's me all over.
I don't really like being told how you should do things, so in a way, art suits me down to the ground.
As long as I like the end result, then that's all that matters.
And I'm pretty critical of my own stuff.
I can do, you know, DIY jobs at home and I get them done and I look at them and go, "It's not right," and Suzanne's going, "This is fine.
Leave it.
Don't worry about it.
" But my inner critic, it's got high standards.
And that's what makes me go, "You've got to do it again," and it's annoying because I'm the one that's got to do it but the thing inside me is telling me to do it again, yet it can't help me.
It's not like I'm a Siamese twin and there's another one of me and I can say, "Well, you hold that while I do this.
" It's just this inner feeling that I've got to do it again cos I know it's going to bother me, and I suppose that's what an artist is like.
You have a go at stuff and then you step back and you look at it and you've got to see if it's the thing that you pictured before you started it.
Let's have a look.
Let's have a look at this art today, see what it's like.
It's not just all flowers in vases any more, is it, like it was years ago? You get some proper weird shit.
Hello.
Hi.
I'm here to see Trina.
I'm a visual artist and my medium is the human body so I call them my human canvases or my human sculptures.
This is a human motorcycle.
How many people are involved in that? There's six people in this particular motorcycle.
Yeah, one's a tyre.
And this is another one.
How nude have they gone? Is that total nude? Yeah, they are totally nude.
In my work, I try to obscure the body when I'm trying to create the shape.
It's a very vulnerable thing.
Like, we haven't even gone out to coffee or had dinner yet and you're going to take your clothes off for me! My girlfriend didn't see anything, you know, for a good week, probably.
Yeah.
Three days.
So, I'm working on an astrology series.
All you need to be really practically concerned with is the fact that we're going to try to make a lion out of your bodies.
Like, here's the teeth and the mouth comes up here, and you've got the mane here that will come down to here.
And of course, if anything is showing that's hairy, we just want to make sure that the hair is trimmed down or shaved or waxed or whatever you guys do right now.
I'm really hairy.
Let me see.
I'm hairy.
You are hairy.
When I lifted my T-shirt and showed them that bit of hair I've got, it was like a gasp.
Is your back hairy? Yeah.
Not as hairy as that but I'm hairy.
OK.
It's my job at home to do the shower cubicle, the plughole, twice a month.
I've got to lift it up and it is rank.
It's like Brian May's living in my drains, but it's just part of being a man.
I thought every man sort of shred pubes.
For the actual painting, you will be nude.
Any questions before we get started? If you're all nude, I've got a nice little thong on.
Does that offend you? I actually find that being nude helps, as opposed to putting somebody in a G-string thong or something like that.
I don't want it to distract from the piece.
What are you going to do, James? Just like all the other girls.
It feels like you're wearing a bodysuit.
You just kind of forget.
Usually, they'll paint those parts first so you don't really See, they go over it Whoa, hang on.
So, you actually paint that as well? It's not just? Yeah, yeah.
So, anything that I see in the final image gets painted and camouflaged into the piece.
But what I mean is, you're not going to be painting direct .
.
on to my member? Well, say you were like this Yeah.
.
.
and I could maybe see a little bit in here, I would paint it just so it wasn't skin colour showing through.
I paint I paint everything.
All right.
There's nowhere my paintbrush doesn't go.
And any sign of excitement What's that? A little bit of excitement, a little bit of movement, a little bit of Is that "whoa, hang on"? You mean Hard knob.
Oh.
Well, I've painted maybe 1000 people, and to be honest with you, it's only happened twice out of 1000.
It happens, doesn't it? It still happens.
Even though I'm getting on in my age, a little bit of a tremor or something, you're sat on a bus, a little bit of motion, something can happen and I just wanted to make sure I was covered if something does happen.
I know it's linked to me down there but it's kind of got a mind of its own.
I just wanted to make sure, you know, if something happened, is that all right? And she was like, "It's fine, it's happened twice in 1000 people.
" Maybe just go and walk it off if it happens.
I don't know if that works.
No, honestly, I've seen her work, I think it's amazing and I'm really happy that I'm going to be part of it cos this is a proper piece of work that's going to be out there, isn't it? Yeah.
But it's just getting over that It's a big obstacle.
I'm not going to lie.
I think there's something nice about just keeping it for Suzanne.
Do you know what I mean? I mean, Jesus, everything that's on the telly with me, I'm seen nude and everything If I go giving that away, she has got nothing.
She's got nothing that the viewers haven't seen and had.
Do you know what I mean? It sort of seems daft, but that's her little bit, isn't it? It's her little "I know him.
I know Karl.
I've seen his knob.
You lot haven't.
" If I do that I don't know How is it? What do you think? It's it's the arse bit that's a bit I'm going to be like that, aren't I? Hi, there.
I think you can't really see them.
I don't think it's that much of a problem.
It's about the bigger thing, isn't it? And I've done a lot.
For someone who doesn't do this, I think that was a big ask.
I think, Karl Turn a little bit.
Yeah, like your whole body.
More towards me.
Like that? I see just your whole ass.
I just want to see one cheek.
I've got no control of my body like they have.
They're shouting out commands like "lift your left arsecheek" and stuff like that.
I can't sort of control them individually.
They're not eyebrows.
They're arsecheeks.
Bring it more to the camera.
Go ahead and relax.
It's not my favourite that you're wearing underwear, obviously, because of all the reasons that I went to great length to explain yesterday.
I know, I know.
But I am out of time.
So, let's go.
If you gave me a bit of paper now, I can do one of them.
There's certain animals I can't do.
Horses is the one that It's hard.
It's a weird proportion.
They've got a massive body, little legs.
You've got to get the neck right.
Drawing dwarfs, it's the same thing because of the proportions.
Even if you get it right, it looks wrong.
I'm in agony.
I reckon we could have just flown in a real lion in this amount of time.
If you're going to take yours off, I'll take mine off.
So, what's happening, Karl? "I'll take my knickers off if you take yours off.
" Hang on! Where has the art gone? Ready? How does everybody look? Do they look awesome? OK, great job, guys.
Can we see it? Do we get to see this? We can but not in this room, not right now.
I'm happy.
It's looking like a lion.
It's all right, isn't it? Yeah.
We worked hard for it.
Yeah.
Just being still.
Right.
It's the hardest thing to do, to just be still.
I always have a go at me girlfriend cos some days she does nothing.
Sat on her arse all day.
But now I realise, actually, fair play to her.
It's not easy.
No, it's not, that's very true.
And in a way, me not taking me pants off, I think in years to come, that'll be like the Mona Lisa story where it's kinda like, "Why didn't he take his pants off?" Yeah.
"Everyone else was nude, why wasn't this man nude?" I'm glad you're happy cos I wouldn't come back again and do it.
Yeah.
I very much appreciate you, like, doing that.
All right, let's get outta here.
OK.
Nice one.
Oh, I'm still achin'.
Did you go to art galleries as a kid? No, the school didn't take us to galleries.
What for? The library was sort of like a bit fancy.
If, you know, if you said you went to the library that would be a bit like, "Oh, get you.
"Look at you, Einstein.
" This is what I struggle with.
You know, with looking at art I mean, I don't know who's done it.
I mean, is this a bit of art? I've wandered in here, I don't even know There is workmen still moving about at this time of day, changing light bulbs and that - maybe this is part of an extension they're doing.
It's a massive shelf.
Very little support, so It's an accident waiting to happen, that.
It's a shovel.
I mean, let's think about what we've looked at.
We looked at a shovel, a pile of bricks and a shelf.
Three things there that you can get in Homebase or B&Q - no favouritism here.
Probably enough to make a barbecue, innit? Do you think you've learnt anything from today? The, uh, the pile of bricks that we saw I was just seeing bricks and thinking, "Is it as simple as that? "Are they bricks or are they blocks?" And I was thinking, "If they're blocks what's the difference? "That's all it is, a load of blocks.
" And if you keep saying that, "It's a load of blocks, "it's a load of blocks, it's a load of boll-ocks.
" Maybe that's it.
Maybe the artist is saying, "I'm having a laugh here, "it is a load of boll-ocks.
" It's enough for me, this.
I don't have to traipse around museums, looking at what people have created.
Just look at what nature's done.
Fresh air, out in the park, open space.
It's the basic things in life, really, that I think is good for you.
It's not gonna be like this all day cos I'm gonna be getting involved in some performance art.
It's not something I'm really into.
You have a lot of it in London, people on the streets, getting in the way.
That's the thing - streets are busy enough, aren't they? Not enough room for all the people pushing and shoving about.
And then, you know, you got some fella there, juggling chainsaws or something.
It's the last thing you need on a busy Saturday afternoon.
You just wanna get to where you've gotta get to, do your shopping and get 'ome.
But I am interested in meeting the performance artist and seeing what he gets out of it Oh, shit! All right? Hey! You all right? I'm good.
Yeah, yeah, not bad.
I'm gonna teach you how to do performance art.
Well, that's the plan.
I'm worried about this one.
You're worried.
Yeah, just sort of performing in front of people.
Like, the good thing about performance art, even a disaster can look amazing.
Like, see, because this is something you've never done before, if you just, you know, go to its basic technique, which is just trying to make people smile - you know, I go very simple, go very raw, just like Or And then, you know, just dance in my underwear.
We could, like, workshop it on the roof and stuff.
Let's give it a whirl.
Let's give it a whirl.
Do you want to put this on over your pants? You keep it as a gift.
They're very special.
It's like giving you, like, the Holy Grail.
It's an odd one, but all right.
I've had a lot of good times with these.
Bit of luck rubbin' off onto me, sort of thing.
Yeah.
Still nervous.
Still not sure about, you know, puttin' meself out there.
'Doin' a performance in some way in front of a crowd that I don't know.
'Worries me.
' Keep the socks on? Yeah, keep the socks on.
Do it a little bit at home, like dancing about the kitchen when I'm waiting for the kettle to boil.
If Suzanne's making the dinner and the radio's on I do, you know, I sort of do little performances but that's different, innit? It's for her.
She knows me.
I do stuff in front of the cat to see how long I can keep its attention.
It just sits there like that on the table.
Sometimes I give it a little dance, it just sort of goes like and looks away and that's it.
I normally keep it for about a minute.
But that's a little thing.
I mean, in a way I have got it in me.
Comin' up.
OK, so you just have to come up with your own silly movement.
Really stupid.
Then eventually someone with their iPhone will start recording you, right? And then if that person's into it and they're smiling, you could take it to another level.
I like to do the Crazy Prophet dialogue, so I go "Do you feel it?!" "Love!" It's not me, I can't do that.
Yeah, that's You could do something else.
I would just, you know, keep it simple.
Maybe we wanna use less energy.
All right.
Yeah.
Lately I've been following the philosophy "less is more.
" Sort of, uh Yeah.
Yes! Cos a good thing is it's like saying "New York is moving all too fast, "everyone's in a rush.
" Yeah? Yes! So it's "Slow down!" Slow down.
Yes! Yeah? Slow down! Yeah? Yeah.
I feel comfortable with that.
I just think it's a good message, that - "Slow down.
" If it means that someone's walking and they just stop for a second and they take 'em out their stressful day, and they go, "What's he sayin'? "Slow down?" Even that, if it makes 'em go, "Yeah, I suppose, I should.
" Job's done, innit? I've got a message through.
It is a piece of art.
Everything's gettin' faster and faster, innit? It definitely is.
'So apart from the traffic 'New York is mental.
I mean, it's insane, innit?' The thing is, there's a mixture of people in New York.
Some are gonna like it, some are gonna hate it.
Some aren't even gonna bat an eyelid cos there's that much stuff going on I don't know what's mad.
We've been walking around, I've seen people rolling about, screaming.
I thought that was art.
It's not, it's just some bloke off his tits on crack or somethin.
' Oh, God! This is madness.
Fantastic! If you wanna hold my hand or something I'll-I'll-I'll be all right.
I just wanna get goin' with it.
We just come to tell you to slow down slow down.
People are in a rush.
Oh no! This is what I've been saying to you! 'I did a bit of performance art.
' In Times Square of all places.
Me ever first performance in Times Square in New York.
Be weird now, won't it? New Year's Eve when I put the telly on - "Oh, yeah, I've played there, yeah.
Times Square, that.
"Killed it.
Did about 20 minutes live.
People loved it.
"Shoutin' me name and everythin'.
" Well, they weren't but that's how it felt, honestly.
Slow down.
Do you think they're getting the message? 'We brought something different to the party.
' Haven't seen anyone wearing glasses, a pair of trunks and a motorcycle helmet.
If you're gonna be a mime artist or a statue why do it where there's proper statues? How can you compete with that? I mean, there's nothing else like us here.
It's a bloody bear! Leg it! I think I'm gonna go now.
OK.
Good bye.
Ilove you! Job done, innit? Well chuffed.
So you were still buzzing from last night? Didn't get to sleep for a bit, you know.
That was a proper surprise for me, that, how much I enjoyed doing that.
"Just slow down.
Slow down.
" But what we're doing today is goin' back to speed.
I'm seeing an artist who does art really quickly.
Doesn't fanny about.
When anything's done quickly it tends to be sort of shit, don't it? What's done quickly that's really good? Not much.
Pot Noodle.
Can you knock out a masterpiece, you know, in record time? How are you? Yeah.
Yeah.
Er I don't know how I feel about that.
Jesus, look at me! I'm caked in shit, honestly.
This is how Suzanne is if she ever helps me decorate.
Only doin' the skirting board, she gets fucking shit everywhere.
I don't know.
I don't know if I'm gettin' it, you know? You can't add another colour? Oh, it's finished, that is it? Yeah, I don't like it, then.
Don't know if I like it.
I didn't like it.
I'm never gonna like it.
I think that's why I wouldn't be that good if I had a kid.
Cos they do shit drawings and you've gotta keep 'em, stick 'em on your fridge.
You don't get people sticking other kids' drawings on the fridge, do you? It's just their own kids' stuff.
I'm not sticking that on there.
Stick it in the bin.
I know they're shit.
It's dried a bit.
I think she just wants me to take it cos she don't wanna be fuckin' stuck with it.
I think that's what's happenin' 'ere.
"Get that shit out of the 'ouse.
" That's like a virus.
So how you feeling about today? Yeah, I'm not I'm not really looking forward to today that much, if I'm honest.
The art that I've seen so far I've been able to get, you know, up close to.
And that's what art should be about, sort of getting up close, looking at it.
Gettin' feelings from it.
But the art I'm seeing today I don't really want to get up close to.
Cos it's dog shit.
Hey, Karl.
Jeremy.
How are you? Karl.
Hey, Geoff.
Nice to meet you.
I'll be honest, I don't know much about what we're doin', I just know you're into dog shit and you're basically using dog shit for art.
We're called Sprinkle Brigade and we go around the city and we decorate the shit on the street.
So we figure we'll do something to it to make it a little bit more special, to brighten up people's day.
Here's one here.
Oh, here it is.
You have to wait until you find a perfect piece of shit to then make the idea come together.
So if we see this one and we don't really have any idea with it we might just hit it with the sprinkles.
You know, I'm not just sayin' this cos you're here don't know if it's art yet but it looks nicer.
It does look better.
There's a little more joy on that.
Something like this, it's very basic.
But we have a process, it's not just we go out and just cover, hit the first thing we see.
We'll be talking about ideas with each other for weeks.
So I'm gonna get this one here.
This one? Here we go.
You know sometimes the big wooden logs that come out of the water, the ocean? It does look quite log-like.
It's just about to fly off the log.
That's a good one.
Seems to me you've kinda changed your mind about the guys and the art already.
I suppose I was wrong.
I was judgin' 'em on the way here without meetin' 'em.
I've met 'em, they seem nice, and they've got a passion for dog shit.
And you can never knock anyone for havin' a passion.
What we should do now is take you to a couple stores and we're gonna go inside and see what they've got.
These aren't specialised shops, for props for dog shit? No.
The way they see that shit, they don't see it as a lump of shit, they see it as something else.
But to bring it alive for everyone else they need props to do you know what I mean? To make it something more than just a lump of shit.
And that's what true artists do.
Poop'll have different shapes so just keep that in mind when you're thinking about props, and how it might fit with a certain style of poop.
All right.
Our best pieces are when you transcend what the shit is and not stick around with what everybody knows what it is.
So the more you can make a story out of something then it's a winner.
Yeah.
I'm thinkin' the amount of shit TV and shit that's comin' out of it.
Yeah.
Got it.
Got a cracker.
Have you heard of Loch Ness Monster? Yeah, yeah.
Yeah? Yes.
Use the clay, like that, and then the bit of shit and it's called Loch Mess the Loch Mess Monster.
The Loch Mess Monster! That's good.
That's good.
Loch Mess Monster.
OK.
Yeah.
That's good.
The Loch Mess Monster.
You wouldn't know what type of dog has left that shit, you're not at that level, are you? Well, that's a heated debate.
But I think the truth of it is we've seen small dogs lay out a beast and we've seen big dogs lay out somethin' small.
So I don't think there's a way to match The goods with the dog.
Yeah.
You can have sheep shit, squirrel shit, rat shit.
I couldn't pick it up with me hands but dog shit The worst.
We got a map here.
Could show you where we are exactly.
Right now we're actually up here in this red zone.
We call it Shit City.
There's just a lot of poo in this zone.
These are your haunts.
These are good.
Shat-nav.
Shat-nav system.
It's sometimes not always dog.
Like, there's been some instances where we've come across human.
And you know it's human if it's up close against the wall.
Like someone's leaned up and done it.
Cos there's no way it's physically possible for a dog.
So is that still game or that's We stay away from that.
Fuckin' 'ell.
What's goin' on? People are shittin' on the streets? How bad is that? But you know what it is.
At home .
.
there's loads of - and I don't know if it's the same here - but there's loads of bins for dogs now, for dog shit.
If you're human and you want a shit there's nowhere to go any more.
It's all gone on dog bins.
You try If you're in dire need of a shit at home you're in trouble.
Cos you can't just nip in a cafe any more cos you've gotta buy something.
If you haven't got any money the other toilets, you gotta put 20p in.
You cannot have a shit at home.
So there's human shit here - I think that's gonna start 'appening at home.
We've sorted out the dog shit problem with all the bins but now you're gonna be lookin' out for human shit.
It's what always happens - you sort one problem out, it creates another.
I'll be gutted if I don't get to do at least one.
So Get this done and let's get goin'.
Let's get shit-huntin'.
Right, let's do Banana? Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
It's kind of disgusting.
I think it's over the top.
Poo-tassium.
Cos bananas are full of potassium.
You see, I think if you put that on it That's pretty good.
Yeah? Yeah.
You put that on it, it takes away the harshness.
"Are you getting enough poo-tassium?" That's good.
See, that's a save.
Jamie? Yeah? Poo-tassium.
He said I saved it.
That's a save.
He wasn't sure on the idea but with the title "Are you getting enough poo-tassium" Look at that - fresh.
Look at that there.
Look at that.
That's 'appenin'.
Hey, Karl.
We found some good stuff over here.
I think we're gonna do this one.
Good, good.
That's good.
So the thing is, it is helping people not to stand in it because it's making it stand out more which means they're walking down and they won't go and step in.
So as well as it being funny it is Prevents you from stepping in it.
I think we're gonna get something good over here.
I don't necessarily know what to do with it.
That's pretty good.
Would that work for the Loch Ness? A bit comin' in, out, in, out.
Yeah.
It's bad? You've got the eyes.
Good, innit? It's good.
I reckon that would make someone smile when they walk past.
More than, you know, you see sort of you know, graffiti like this, tagging stuff, and they just sprawl on a wall.
I don't know what that's doin', I don't know what he's sayin'.
It's just a mess.
It hasn't added anything.
Whereas that - someone's had a bad day, come back from work, they walk past that, surely it's gotta be a bit of a smile.
Innit? So that's the Loch Mess Monster.
It's good.
It's good.
All right.
Yeah? Your hands are all orange.
You haven't got a thing on, have you? Yeah, you don't wanna Oh, you're shittin' me.
Fuckin' hell.
We got you! Fuckin' 'ell! Are you sure? Yes.
Where did it come from? I dunno, I was pissin' about in the leaves and that.
Oh, I've woke it up.
It was always gonna happen, you can't come to Shit City without Oh! This is the down bit, you see.
You're gonna need more than a stick for that.
Today I'm seeing a woman who sort of has her own little way of doing art.
She sort of sicks it up.
Sicks paint onto a canvas.
She said don't eat for 24 hours cos she doesn't want to see, like, last night's tea in the artwork.
So I haven't done.
2009 was the last time I was sick.
And before that probably when I was a kid.
I'd had too much Britvic Orange.
On holiday in Wales I had too much Britvic, I was in the back of the car - which I don't like doin', I like sittin' in the front but me dad's mate was in the front.
I had to sit in the back, the heating was on, it was too hot, and there was a damp dog in the car, that sort of smell of damp dog.
And I was sick down me dad's neck.
And that's why today I sort of feel like we might be wastin' our time a little bit cos I can't be sick.
It's not somethin' that happens.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to see ya.
How you feeling today? Ropey.
Yeah? Yeah, cos I haven't eaten.
Well, you're gonna have some soy milk in your stomach soon, that'll fill you up.
This is all food colouring.
You put that in cakes, so it's not poisonous.
I eat all sorts of crap normally - Haribos.
Yeah, exactly, so this is basically Haribos.
All right then.
What colour do you wanna have a go with? I'll do pink.
Cos I did have some smoothie earlier.
That was pink so we'll stay on the colour.
Maybe I've got a really good stomach, that's why I'm never sick, maybe it can deal with anything.
Got a very active belly and it's gurgling away at night.
Suzanne's like, "What's wrong with you? You need a shit or what?" And it's like, "No, I've just it's because it's working hard.
" I think you should be able to hear your belly.
Sometimes it wakes me up.
It is like, "Is someone breakin' in?" And it's like, "No, it's cos you had a pastie, innit?" "Oh, yeah.
" What made you come up with the idea of being sick on a canvas? I'd never done performance art before and I came up with the idea of painting from the inside out, so I wanted to create a performance that was really raw and human.
And I was like, "Either way if it works or it doesn't work "it's gonna be an interesting performance.
" Yeah.
It's the same with you, it's gonna be great cos it's you getting involved with the art.
Yeah.
And you use two fingers, just touching the back of your throat, and just keep doing that, just that movement, back and forth, until you feel it starts to come up.
God.
She was sick in a sort of a classy way.
I didn't think was possible.
Normally you see women doin' it and they've got, like, skirt up their arse, ripped tights, snot comin' out their nose and all that.
She had it all under control.
Is that all of it, would you say? If you kneel down sometimes it's easier.
Fuckin' 'ell, man.
This isn't normal, is it? This is not a normal way of creatin' art, this.
I think you're just either a sicker or you're not and I'm not.
Honestly, get me cat here It'd do a right grand job for you.
If that's what you want, a piece of art done with sick, fly me cat over.
Fuck's sake.
God! I like your whole performance even though you couldn't physically bring it up.
That is still, like, a massive part of the performance.
That is the performance.
That's something, then.
I haven't been a total waste of time, have I? Yeah, exactly.
Good-o.
How quick would it take her to do a room? If she went into paintin' and decoratin'.
Big, these.
Yesterday we were in LA, now we're in Somerset, Karl.
Always been somethin' that I wanted to see, which I think fits in to the art category.
Which is murmuration.
Just shit loads of starlings making shapes in the sky.
It's what they do before they settle for the day.
And you're just like, "Bloody hell.
Look at that.
" But Karl this is birds just flyin' around in the air, you can't really class it as art, can you? Course you can.
I'd say it's more art than some of the stuff we've seen in New York - messing about with dog shit.
I don't think there's any rule to what you call art now, is there? And anyway it's whatever you see in it.
I see it as art.
When you see it - you haven't seen it, you're sort of picking on the idea already - but when you see it you'll go, "Actually, Karl, you're right, that's amazing.
" I've seen a baby being born.
I was like, "Yeah, whatever.
" This should be good.
Yeah, apparently it's just down here.
It's where it all happens.
Keep your eye out cos, honestly, it could be like Just come.
Just shoot off, you could miss it cos you're busy talkin' to me.
There's one swan over there.
Normally they're in pairs, aren't they? That's a fact, innit? So does that mean the other one's dead? Pilkington luck.
Did you know E was voiced by a woman? That's how she spoke, it's not a funny effect, that sort of, .
.
phone home.
That's how she speaks.
Big smoker.
She talks like that.
In character all the time.
Phone home.
"You got 20 Benson, please?" Oh, come on! There they are! Where've they gone? There was fuckin' hundreds of 'em.
Oh, no way! Oh, come off it.
They just fucked off over there.
That'll be annoying, won't it? There was a good sort of 4,000 or something went over there.
Must have seen a good, I dunno, 50,000 of 'em.
They're all, erm moving.
Look at that, Jamie, now you can see 'em all there.
Yeah.
Here we go.
This is what I wanted - look at this! Hey? Look at that! Bloody 'ell! Still more joinin' it, look.
Whoa! It sounds like a wave, doesn't it? You get that Bill Oddie's been here.
That's how good this is.
It cheered him up.
And he is a misery, isn't he? I'm still not quite convinced it's art.
Why? Well, who's the artist? The birds are.
Flying about.
This is like performance art, there you go.
I did performance art in Times Square, didn't I? This is nature's performance art.
Takes your breath away.
Maybe that's why Bill Oddie is always pissed off - we don't see all this, do we? Stood about in the rain, waiting for them to do their thing.
Karl, think we've gotta cross the bridge this way.
What? Gotta cross the bridge this way.
Oh, aye.
Don't think there's anyone who would have seen what we saw and would go, "I didn't like it.
" I think everybody would, you know, get something from that.
You know, unless you're a worm, maybe.
You'd be shittin' yourself, then.
Next time, Karl explores identity.
The bloke we're meeting he's called.
That's strange.
It's a mess.
I mean, it's annoyed me how much I like it.
Yeah, we've got pointy boots on, what are you wearing? Yeah, everyone's wearin' them, no-one's got these.
This is too try-hard.
This is, er shit.
Shit's the word.
I tell you what, every man should experience this, shouldn't they?
How much does your identity define you? I think mine are nicer than yours.
What can we do about waste? How should you live your life? God almighty.
What is she doing? What can we do with our limited time on the planet? And how should we treat our body? Showtime.
Am I in charge or is my arse in charge? That's strange.
In this episode, Karl asks - what is art? This is not a normal way of creating art, this.
Can the body be a canvas? They're shouting out commands like "lift your left arsecheek.
" I can't control them individually.
They're not eyebrows.
Is art about putting on a performance? In a rush! And can anything be called art? I don't know if it's art yet but it looks nice.
I don't know if I'm getting it, you know.
This is The Moaning Of Life.
There's no fun in this.
So, Karl, why are you interested in art? A lot of things in life, there's a right way and a wrong way, but with art, there isn't.
It's "do what you want, "do what you feel is right at the time.
" And in a way, that's me all over.
I don't really like being told how you should do things, so in a way, art suits me down to the ground.
As long as I like the end result, then that's all that matters.
And I'm pretty critical of my own stuff.
I can do, you know, DIY jobs at home and I get them done and I look at them and go, "It's not right," and Suzanne's going, "This is fine.
Leave it.
Don't worry about it.
" But my inner critic, it's got high standards.
And that's what makes me go, "You've got to do it again," and it's annoying because I'm the one that's got to do it but the thing inside me is telling me to do it again, yet it can't help me.
It's not like I'm a Siamese twin and there's another one of me and I can say, "Well, you hold that while I do this.
" It's just this inner feeling that I've got to do it again cos I know it's going to bother me, and I suppose that's what an artist is like.
You have a go at stuff and then you step back and you look at it and you've got to see if it's the thing that you pictured before you started it.
Let's have a look.
Let's have a look at this art today, see what it's like.
It's not just all flowers in vases any more, is it, like it was years ago? You get some proper weird shit.
Hello.
Hi.
I'm here to see Trina.
I'm a visual artist and my medium is the human body so I call them my human canvases or my human sculptures.
This is a human motorcycle.
How many people are involved in that? There's six people in this particular motorcycle.
Yeah, one's a tyre.
And this is another one.
How nude have they gone? Is that total nude? Yeah, they are totally nude.
In my work, I try to obscure the body when I'm trying to create the shape.
It's a very vulnerable thing.
Like, we haven't even gone out to coffee or had dinner yet and you're going to take your clothes off for me! My girlfriend didn't see anything, you know, for a good week, probably.
Yeah.
Three days.
So, I'm working on an astrology series.
All you need to be really practically concerned with is the fact that we're going to try to make a lion out of your bodies.
Like, here's the teeth and the mouth comes up here, and you've got the mane here that will come down to here.
And of course, if anything is showing that's hairy, we just want to make sure that the hair is trimmed down or shaved or waxed or whatever you guys do right now.
I'm really hairy.
Let me see.
I'm hairy.
You are hairy.
When I lifted my T-shirt and showed them that bit of hair I've got, it was like a gasp.
Is your back hairy? Yeah.
Not as hairy as that but I'm hairy.
OK.
It's my job at home to do the shower cubicle, the plughole, twice a month.
I've got to lift it up and it is rank.
It's like Brian May's living in my drains, but it's just part of being a man.
I thought every man sort of shred pubes.
For the actual painting, you will be nude.
Any questions before we get started? If you're all nude, I've got a nice little thong on.
Does that offend you? I actually find that being nude helps, as opposed to putting somebody in a G-string thong or something like that.
I don't want it to distract from the piece.
What are you going to do, James? Just like all the other girls.
It feels like you're wearing a bodysuit.
You just kind of forget.
Usually, they'll paint those parts first so you don't really See, they go over it Whoa, hang on.
So, you actually paint that as well? It's not just? Yeah, yeah.
So, anything that I see in the final image gets painted and camouflaged into the piece.
But what I mean is, you're not going to be painting direct .
.
on to my member? Well, say you were like this Yeah.
.
.
and I could maybe see a little bit in here, I would paint it just so it wasn't skin colour showing through.
I paint I paint everything.
All right.
There's nowhere my paintbrush doesn't go.
And any sign of excitement What's that? A little bit of excitement, a little bit of movement, a little bit of Is that "whoa, hang on"? You mean Hard knob.
Oh.
Well, I've painted maybe 1000 people, and to be honest with you, it's only happened twice out of 1000.
It happens, doesn't it? It still happens.
Even though I'm getting on in my age, a little bit of a tremor or something, you're sat on a bus, a little bit of motion, something can happen and I just wanted to make sure I was covered if something does happen.
I know it's linked to me down there but it's kind of got a mind of its own.
I just wanted to make sure, you know, if something happened, is that all right? And she was like, "It's fine, it's happened twice in 1000 people.
" Maybe just go and walk it off if it happens.
I don't know if that works.
No, honestly, I've seen her work, I think it's amazing and I'm really happy that I'm going to be part of it cos this is a proper piece of work that's going to be out there, isn't it? Yeah.
But it's just getting over that It's a big obstacle.
I'm not going to lie.
I think there's something nice about just keeping it for Suzanne.
Do you know what I mean? I mean, Jesus, everything that's on the telly with me, I'm seen nude and everything If I go giving that away, she has got nothing.
She's got nothing that the viewers haven't seen and had.
Do you know what I mean? It sort of seems daft, but that's her little bit, isn't it? It's her little "I know him.
I know Karl.
I've seen his knob.
You lot haven't.
" If I do that I don't know How is it? What do you think? It's it's the arse bit that's a bit I'm going to be like that, aren't I? Hi, there.
I think you can't really see them.
I don't think it's that much of a problem.
It's about the bigger thing, isn't it? And I've done a lot.
For someone who doesn't do this, I think that was a big ask.
I think, Karl Turn a little bit.
Yeah, like your whole body.
More towards me.
Like that? I see just your whole ass.
I just want to see one cheek.
I've got no control of my body like they have.
They're shouting out commands like "lift your left arsecheek" and stuff like that.
I can't sort of control them individually.
They're not eyebrows.
They're arsecheeks.
Bring it more to the camera.
Go ahead and relax.
It's not my favourite that you're wearing underwear, obviously, because of all the reasons that I went to great length to explain yesterday.
I know, I know.
But I am out of time.
So, let's go.
If you gave me a bit of paper now, I can do one of them.
There's certain animals I can't do.
Horses is the one that It's hard.
It's a weird proportion.
They've got a massive body, little legs.
You've got to get the neck right.
Drawing dwarfs, it's the same thing because of the proportions.
Even if you get it right, it looks wrong.
I'm in agony.
I reckon we could have just flown in a real lion in this amount of time.
If you're going to take yours off, I'll take mine off.
So, what's happening, Karl? "I'll take my knickers off if you take yours off.
" Hang on! Where has the art gone? Ready? How does everybody look? Do they look awesome? OK, great job, guys.
Can we see it? Do we get to see this? We can but not in this room, not right now.
I'm happy.
It's looking like a lion.
It's all right, isn't it? Yeah.
We worked hard for it.
Yeah.
Just being still.
Right.
It's the hardest thing to do, to just be still.
I always have a go at me girlfriend cos some days she does nothing.
Sat on her arse all day.
But now I realise, actually, fair play to her.
It's not easy.
No, it's not, that's very true.
And in a way, me not taking me pants off, I think in years to come, that'll be like the Mona Lisa story where it's kinda like, "Why didn't he take his pants off?" Yeah.
"Everyone else was nude, why wasn't this man nude?" I'm glad you're happy cos I wouldn't come back again and do it.
Yeah.
I very much appreciate you, like, doing that.
All right, let's get outta here.
OK.
Nice one.
Oh, I'm still achin'.
Did you go to art galleries as a kid? No, the school didn't take us to galleries.
What for? The library was sort of like a bit fancy.
If, you know, if you said you went to the library that would be a bit like, "Oh, get you.
"Look at you, Einstein.
" This is what I struggle with.
You know, with looking at art I mean, I don't know who's done it.
I mean, is this a bit of art? I've wandered in here, I don't even know There is workmen still moving about at this time of day, changing light bulbs and that - maybe this is part of an extension they're doing.
It's a massive shelf.
Very little support, so It's an accident waiting to happen, that.
It's a shovel.
I mean, let's think about what we've looked at.
We looked at a shovel, a pile of bricks and a shelf.
Three things there that you can get in Homebase or B&Q - no favouritism here.
Probably enough to make a barbecue, innit? Do you think you've learnt anything from today? The, uh, the pile of bricks that we saw I was just seeing bricks and thinking, "Is it as simple as that? "Are they bricks or are they blocks?" And I was thinking, "If they're blocks what's the difference? "That's all it is, a load of blocks.
" And if you keep saying that, "It's a load of blocks, "it's a load of blocks, it's a load of boll-ocks.
" Maybe that's it.
Maybe the artist is saying, "I'm having a laugh here, "it is a load of boll-ocks.
" It's enough for me, this.
I don't have to traipse around museums, looking at what people have created.
Just look at what nature's done.
Fresh air, out in the park, open space.
It's the basic things in life, really, that I think is good for you.
It's not gonna be like this all day cos I'm gonna be getting involved in some performance art.
It's not something I'm really into.
You have a lot of it in London, people on the streets, getting in the way.
That's the thing - streets are busy enough, aren't they? Not enough room for all the people pushing and shoving about.
And then, you know, you got some fella there, juggling chainsaws or something.
It's the last thing you need on a busy Saturday afternoon.
You just wanna get to where you've gotta get to, do your shopping and get 'ome.
But I am interested in meeting the performance artist and seeing what he gets out of it Oh, shit! All right? Hey! You all right? I'm good.
Yeah, yeah, not bad.
I'm gonna teach you how to do performance art.
Well, that's the plan.
I'm worried about this one.
You're worried.
Yeah, just sort of performing in front of people.
Like, the good thing about performance art, even a disaster can look amazing.
Like, see, because this is something you've never done before, if you just, you know, go to its basic technique, which is just trying to make people smile - you know, I go very simple, go very raw, just like Or And then, you know, just dance in my underwear.
We could, like, workshop it on the roof and stuff.
Let's give it a whirl.
Let's give it a whirl.
Do you want to put this on over your pants? You keep it as a gift.
They're very special.
It's like giving you, like, the Holy Grail.
It's an odd one, but all right.
I've had a lot of good times with these.
Bit of luck rubbin' off onto me, sort of thing.
Yeah.
Still nervous.
Still not sure about, you know, puttin' meself out there.
'Doin' a performance in some way in front of a crowd that I don't know.
'Worries me.
' Keep the socks on? Yeah, keep the socks on.
Do it a little bit at home, like dancing about the kitchen when I'm waiting for the kettle to boil.
If Suzanne's making the dinner and the radio's on I do, you know, I sort of do little performances but that's different, innit? It's for her.
She knows me.
I do stuff in front of the cat to see how long I can keep its attention.
It just sits there like that on the table.
Sometimes I give it a little dance, it just sort of goes like and looks away and that's it.
I normally keep it for about a minute.
But that's a little thing.
I mean, in a way I have got it in me.
Comin' up.
OK, so you just have to come up with your own silly movement.
Really stupid.
Then eventually someone with their iPhone will start recording you, right? And then if that person's into it and they're smiling, you could take it to another level.
I like to do the Crazy Prophet dialogue, so I go "Do you feel it?!" "Love!" It's not me, I can't do that.
Yeah, that's You could do something else.
I would just, you know, keep it simple.
Maybe we wanna use less energy.
All right.
Yeah.
Lately I've been following the philosophy "less is more.
" Sort of, uh Yeah.
Yes! Cos a good thing is it's like saying "New York is moving all too fast, "everyone's in a rush.
" Yeah? Yes! So it's "Slow down!" Slow down.
Yes! Yeah? Slow down! Yeah? Yeah.
I feel comfortable with that.
I just think it's a good message, that - "Slow down.
" If it means that someone's walking and they just stop for a second and they take 'em out their stressful day, and they go, "What's he sayin'? "Slow down?" Even that, if it makes 'em go, "Yeah, I suppose, I should.
" Job's done, innit? I've got a message through.
It is a piece of art.
Everything's gettin' faster and faster, innit? It definitely is.
'So apart from the traffic 'New York is mental.
I mean, it's insane, innit?' The thing is, there's a mixture of people in New York.
Some are gonna like it, some are gonna hate it.
Some aren't even gonna bat an eyelid cos there's that much stuff going on I don't know what's mad.
We've been walking around, I've seen people rolling about, screaming.
I thought that was art.
It's not, it's just some bloke off his tits on crack or somethin.
' Oh, God! This is madness.
Fantastic! If you wanna hold my hand or something I'll-I'll-I'll be all right.
I just wanna get goin' with it.
We just come to tell you to slow down slow down.
People are in a rush.
Oh no! This is what I've been saying to you! 'I did a bit of performance art.
' In Times Square of all places.
Me ever first performance in Times Square in New York.
Be weird now, won't it? New Year's Eve when I put the telly on - "Oh, yeah, I've played there, yeah.
Times Square, that.
"Killed it.
Did about 20 minutes live.
People loved it.
"Shoutin' me name and everythin'.
" Well, they weren't but that's how it felt, honestly.
Slow down.
Do you think they're getting the message? 'We brought something different to the party.
' Haven't seen anyone wearing glasses, a pair of trunks and a motorcycle helmet.
If you're gonna be a mime artist or a statue why do it where there's proper statues? How can you compete with that? I mean, there's nothing else like us here.
It's a bloody bear! Leg it! I think I'm gonna go now.
OK.
Good bye.
Ilove you! Job done, innit? Well chuffed.
So you were still buzzing from last night? Didn't get to sleep for a bit, you know.
That was a proper surprise for me, that, how much I enjoyed doing that.
"Just slow down.
Slow down.
" But what we're doing today is goin' back to speed.
I'm seeing an artist who does art really quickly.
Doesn't fanny about.
When anything's done quickly it tends to be sort of shit, don't it? What's done quickly that's really good? Not much.
Pot Noodle.
Can you knock out a masterpiece, you know, in record time? How are you? Yeah.
Yeah.
Er I don't know how I feel about that.
Jesus, look at me! I'm caked in shit, honestly.
This is how Suzanne is if she ever helps me decorate.
Only doin' the skirting board, she gets fucking shit everywhere.
I don't know.
I don't know if I'm gettin' it, you know? You can't add another colour? Oh, it's finished, that is it? Yeah, I don't like it, then.
Don't know if I like it.
I didn't like it.
I'm never gonna like it.
I think that's why I wouldn't be that good if I had a kid.
Cos they do shit drawings and you've gotta keep 'em, stick 'em on your fridge.
You don't get people sticking other kids' drawings on the fridge, do you? It's just their own kids' stuff.
I'm not sticking that on there.
Stick it in the bin.
I know they're shit.
It's dried a bit.
I think she just wants me to take it cos she don't wanna be fuckin' stuck with it.
I think that's what's happenin' 'ere.
"Get that shit out of the 'ouse.
" That's like a virus.
So how you feeling about today? Yeah, I'm not I'm not really looking forward to today that much, if I'm honest.
The art that I've seen so far I've been able to get, you know, up close to.
And that's what art should be about, sort of getting up close, looking at it.
Gettin' feelings from it.
But the art I'm seeing today I don't really want to get up close to.
Cos it's dog shit.
Hey, Karl.
Jeremy.
How are you? Karl.
Hey, Geoff.
Nice to meet you.
I'll be honest, I don't know much about what we're doin', I just know you're into dog shit and you're basically using dog shit for art.
We're called Sprinkle Brigade and we go around the city and we decorate the shit on the street.
So we figure we'll do something to it to make it a little bit more special, to brighten up people's day.
Here's one here.
Oh, here it is.
You have to wait until you find a perfect piece of shit to then make the idea come together.
So if we see this one and we don't really have any idea with it we might just hit it with the sprinkles.
You know, I'm not just sayin' this cos you're here don't know if it's art yet but it looks nicer.
It does look better.
There's a little more joy on that.
Something like this, it's very basic.
But we have a process, it's not just we go out and just cover, hit the first thing we see.
We'll be talking about ideas with each other for weeks.
So I'm gonna get this one here.
This one? Here we go.
You know sometimes the big wooden logs that come out of the water, the ocean? It does look quite log-like.
It's just about to fly off the log.
That's a good one.
Seems to me you've kinda changed your mind about the guys and the art already.
I suppose I was wrong.
I was judgin' 'em on the way here without meetin' 'em.
I've met 'em, they seem nice, and they've got a passion for dog shit.
And you can never knock anyone for havin' a passion.
What we should do now is take you to a couple stores and we're gonna go inside and see what they've got.
These aren't specialised shops, for props for dog shit? No.
The way they see that shit, they don't see it as a lump of shit, they see it as something else.
But to bring it alive for everyone else they need props to do you know what I mean? To make it something more than just a lump of shit.
And that's what true artists do.
Poop'll have different shapes so just keep that in mind when you're thinking about props, and how it might fit with a certain style of poop.
All right.
Our best pieces are when you transcend what the shit is and not stick around with what everybody knows what it is.
So the more you can make a story out of something then it's a winner.
Yeah.
I'm thinkin' the amount of shit TV and shit that's comin' out of it.
Yeah.
Got it.
Got a cracker.
Have you heard of Loch Ness Monster? Yeah, yeah.
Yeah? Yes.
Use the clay, like that, and then the bit of shit and it's called Loch Mess the Loch Mess Monster.
The Loch Mess Monster! That's good.
That's good.
Loch Mess Monster.
OK.
Yeah.
That's good.
The Loch Mess Monster.
You wouldn't know what type of dog has left that shit, you're not at that level, are you? Well, that's a heated debate.
But I think the truth of it is we've seen small dogs lay out a beast and we've seen big dogs lay out somethin' small.
So I don't think there's a way to match The goods with the dog.
Yeah.
You can have sheep shit, squirrel shit, rat shit.
I couldn't pick it up with me hands but dog shit The worst.
We got a map here.
Could show you where we are exactly.
Right now we're actually up here in this red zone.
We call it Shit City.
There's just a lot of poo in this zone.
These are your haunts.
These are good.
Shat-nav.
Shat-nav system.
It's sometimes not always dog.
Like, there's been some instances where we've come across human.
And you know it's human if it's up close against the wall.
Like someone's leaned up and done it.
Cos there's no way it's physically possible for a dog.
So is that still game or that's We stay away from that.
Fuckin' 'ell.
What's goin' on? People are shittin' on the streets? How bad is that? But you know what it is.
At home .
.
there's loads of - and I don't know if it's the same here - but there's loads of bins for dogs now, for dog shit.
If you're human and you want a shit there's nowhere to go any more.
It's all gone on dog bins.
You try If you're in dire need of a shit at home you're in trouble.
Cos you can't just nip in a cafe any more cos you've gotta buy something.
If you haven't got any money the other toilets, you gotta put 20p in.
You cannot have a shit at home.
So there's human shit here - I think that's gonna start 'appening at home.
We've sorted out the dog shit problem with all the bins but now you're gonna be lookin' out for human shit.
It's what always happens - you sort one problem out, it creates another.
I'll be gutted if I don't get to do at least one.
So Get this done and let's get goin'.
Let's get shit-huntin'.
Right, let's do Banana? Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
It's kind of disgusting.
I think it's over the top.
Poo-tassium.
Cos bananas are full of potassium.
You see, I think if you put that on it That's pretty good.
Yeah? Yeah.
You put that on it, it takes away the harshness.
"Are you getting enough poo-tassium?" That's good.
See, that's a save.
Jamie? Yeah? Poo-tassium.
He said I saved it.
That's a save.
He wasn't sure on the idea but with the title "Are you getting enough poo-tassium" Look at that - fresh.
Look at that there.
Look at that.
That's 'appenin'.
Hey, Karl.
We found some good stuff over here.
I think we're gonna do this one.
Good, good.
That's good.
So the thing is, it is helping people not to stand in it because it's making it stand out more which means they're walking down and they won't go and step in.
So as well as it being funny it is Prevents you from stepping in it.
I think we're gonna get something good over here.
I don't necessarily know what to do with it.
That's pretty good.
Would that work for the Loch Ness? A bit comin' in, out, in, out.
Yeah.
It's bad? You've got the eyes.
Good, innit? It's good.
I reckon that would make someone smile when they walk past.
More than, you know, you see sort of you know, graffiti like this, tagging stuff, and they just sprawl on a wall.
I don't know what that's doin', I don't know what he's sayin'.
It's just a mess.
It hasn't added anything.
Whereas that - someone's had a bad day, come back from work, they walk past that, surely it's gotta be a bit of a smile.
Innit? So that's the Loch Mess Monster.
It's good.
It's good.
All right.
Yeah? Your hands are all orange.
You haven't got a thing on, have you? Yeah, you don't wanna Oh, you're shittin' me.
Fuckin' hell.
We got you! Fuckin' 'ell! Are you sure? Yes.
Where did it come from? I dunno, I was pissin' about in the leaves and that.
Oh, I've woke it up.
It was always gonna happen, you can't come to Shit City without Oh! This is the down bit, you see.
You're gonna need more than a stick for that.
Today I'm seeing a woman who sort of has her own little way of doing art.
She sort of sicks it up.
Sicks paint onto a canvas.
She said don't eat for 24 hours cos she doesn't want to see, like, last night's tea in the artwork.
So I haven't done.
2009 was the last time I was sick.
And before that probably when I was a kid.
I'd had too much Britvic Orange.
On holiday in Wales I had too much Britvic, I was in the back of the car - which I don't like doin', I like sittin' in the front but me dad's mate was in the front.
I had to sit in the back, the heating was on, it was too hot, and there was a damp dog in the car, that sort of smell of damp dog.
And I was sick down me dad's neck.
And that's why today I sort of feel like we might be wastin' our time a little bit cos I can't be sick.
It's not somethin' that happens.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to see ya.
How you feeling today? Ropey.
Yeah? Yeah, cos I haven't eaten.
Well, you're gonna have some soy milk in your stomach soon, that'll fill you up.
This is all food colouring.
You put that in cakes, so it's not poisonous.
I eat all sorts of crap normally - Haribos.
Yeah, exactly, so this is basically Haribos.
All right then.
What colour do you wanna have a go with? I'll do pink.
Cos I did have some smoothie earlier.
That was pink so we'll stay on the colour.
Maybe I've got a really good stomach, that's why I'm never sick, maybe it can deal with anything.
Got a very active belly and it's gurgling away at night.
Suzanne's like, "What's wrong with you? You need a shit or what?" And it's like, "No, I've just it's because it's working hard.
" I think you should be able to hear your belly.
Sometimes it wakes me up.
It is like, "Is someone breakin' in?" And it's like, "No, it's cos you had a pastie, innit?" "Oh, yeah.
" What made you come up with the idea of being sick on a canvas? I'd never done performance art before and I came up with the idea of painting from the inside out, so I wanted to create a performance that was really raw and human.
And I was like, "Either way if it works or it doesn't work "it's gonna be an interesting performance.
" Yeah.
It's the same with you, it's gonna be great cos it's you getting involved with the art.
Yeah.
And you use two fingers, just touching the back of your throat, and just keep doing that, just that movement, back and forth, until you feel it starts to come up.
God.
She was sick in a sort of a classy way.
I didn't think was possible.
Normally you see women doin' it and they've got, like, skirt up their arse, ripped tights, snot comin' out their nose and all that.
She had it all under control.
Is that all of it, would you say? If you kneel down sometimes it's easier.
Fuckin' 'ell, man.
This isn't normal, is it? This is not a normal way of creatin' art, this.
I think you're just either a sicker or you're not and I'm not.
Honestly, get me cat here It'd do a right grand job for you.
If that's what you want, a piece of art done with sick, fly me cat over.
Fuck's sake.
God! I like your whole performance even though you couldn't physically bring it up.
That is still, like, a massive part of the performance.
That is the performance.
That's something, then.
I haven't been a total waste of time, have I? Yeah, exactly.
Good-o.
How quick would it take her to do a room? If she went into paintin' and decoratin'.
Big, these.
Yesterday we were in LA, now we're in Somerset, Karl.
Always been somethin' that I wanted to see, which I think fits in to the art category.
Which is murmuration.
Just shit loads of starlings making shapes in the sky.
It's what they do before they settle for the day.
And you're just like, "Bloody hell.
Look at that.
" But Karl this is birds just flyin' around in the air, you can't really class it as art, can you? Course you can.
I'd say it's more art than some of the stuff we've seen in New York - messing about with dog shit.
I don't think there's any rule to what you call art now, is there? And anyway it's whatever you see in it.
I see it as art.
When you see it - you haven't seen it, you're sort of picking on the idea already - but when you see it you'll go, "Actually, Karl, you're right, that's amazing.
" I've seen a baby being born.
I was like, "Yeah, whatever.
" This should be good.
Yeah, apparently it's just down here.
It's where it all happens.
Keep your eye out cos, honestly, it could be like Just come.
Just shoot off, you could miss it cos you're busy talkin' to me.
There's one swan over there.
Normally they're in pairs, aren't they? That's a fact, innit? So does that mean the other one's dead? Pilkington luck.
Did you know E was voiced by a woman? That's how she spoke, it's not a funny effect, that sort of, .
.
phone home.
That's how she speaks.
Big smoker.
She talks like that.
In character all the time.
Phone home.
"You got 20 Benson, please?" Oh, come on! There they are! Where've they gone? There was fuckin' hundreds of 'em.
Oh, no way! Oh, come off it.
They just fucked off over there.
That'll be annoying, won't it? There was a good sort of 4,000 or something went over there.
Must have seen a good, I dunno, 50,000 of 'em.
They're all, erm moving.
Look at that, Jamie, now you can see 'em all there.
Yeah.
Here we go.
This is what I wanted - look at this! Hey? Look at that! Bloody 'ell! Still more joinin' it, look.
Whoa! It sounds like a wave, doesn't it? You get that Bill Oddie's been here.
That's how good this is.
It cheered him up.
And he is a misery, isn't he? I'm still not quite convinced it's art.
Why? Well, who's the artist? The birds are.
Flying about.
This is like performance art, there you go.
I did performance art in Times Square, didn't I? This is nature's performance art.
Takes your breath away.
Maybe that's why Bill Oddie is always pissed off - we don't see all this, do we? Stood about in the rain, waiting for them to do their thing.
Karl, think we've gotta cross the bridge this way.
What? Gotta cross the bridge this way.
Oh, aye.
Don't think there's anyone who would have seen what we saw and would go, "I didn't like it.
" I think everybody would, you know, get something from that.
You know, unless you're a worm, maybe.
You'd be shittin' yourself, then.
Next time, Karl explores identity.
The bloke we're meeting he's called.
That's strange.
It's a mess.
I mean, it's annoyed me how much I like it.
Yeah, we've got pointy boots on, what are you wearing? Yeah, everyone's wearin' them, no-one's got these.
This is too try-hard.
This is, er shit.
Shit's the word.
I tell you what, every man should experience this, shouldn't they?